Diamond Fists
by ReturnToJohto
Summary: Follow the adventures of Diamond, his sadistic Chimchar, his criminally insane best friend Pearl and his humping penguin as they battle and scam their way across Sinnoh. Rated for language. Reviews are always appreciated.
1. Chapter 1

Hi there. I'm RTJ, the supreme author god of every story I create. I just want to say a couple of things before I begin. I know I've been away for about, say… 4 months? I would like to say sorry to any of my readers, I've been way to busy. Second, I'm NOT continuing Sapphire Stories because I really don't see the point of writing a Hoenn story anymore. Third, I've decided to do this story in the first person. Ok… that's it for me. Read now.

"Hi. My name is Diamond. Welcome to my uneventful life. I shall now bore you with excruciating detail about how nothing happens in my life. My life is so boring that you might develop narcolepsy from the sheer boredom- OW!" I was walking to my friend Pearl's house while writing down what I was saying. I wasn't paying attention and tripped over a rock. "Oh screw this!" I shouted as I got back up and tossed my papers out into the bushes around Pearl's house.

I went around to the back of the house to Pearl's tool shed. That's where he told me to go on the phone. He said we're gonna go catch some red thingy… I tried to open the door but it was locked from the inside.

"Pearl! It's me! Let me in!"

"Hold on! I'm working on something in here."

"I swear to God, if you're jacking off in there again I'm gonna-."

"I don't jack off! Just shut up and wait outside." I sighed and sat down on the ground. I could hear banging and the sound of saws from inside the shed.

"Wow. It sounds like you jack off to saws and hammers now Pearl…"

"I don't jack off! These saws and hammers are pivotal to the grand enterprise we shall soon be undertaking!" He said enthusiastically.

"Grand enterprise? We're not jacking off on T.V are we?" I guess I got on Pearl's last nerve because he immediately stopped what he was doing and rammed the shed door open.

"KNOCK IT OFF!" He screamed in my ear. I cringed and stood back up.

"You're such a spaz Pearl…" I said. His shout caused a ringing in my left ear so I could barely hear what I said. He pulled out two ten foot poles from the back of the shed. Pearl seemed to have duck taped a chainsaw to the top end of each one. He handed one to me. I nearly fell backwards from the weight of the makeshift weapon.

"What the hell is this thing for?" I said while trying to keep it from falling.

"Weren't you paying attention when I called you? We're gonna catch the Red Gyarados I saw on T.V."

"Gyarados?" There were several things wrong with this plan.

"Yeah, Gyarados. Let's go!" He turned to leave Twinleaf Town but I caught him by his collar first.

"Pearl. This is stupid."

"Why?"

"Several reasons. One, Gyarados' are like seven times bigger than us. Two, Gyarados' are mean and nasty. Third, we don't have any pokemon. Fourth, chainsaws on sticks won't do anything to a Gyarados. Fifth, pardon my language but that thing will fucking kill us! And if you just taped these things together then what was the hammering for?"

"Not sure. And we _are_ going to catch the Red Gyarados. And I have _one _reason that overrides your five. Guess what is." Pearl is a natural optimist and whenever I try to talk him out of something, he always ignores me. --.

"What?"

"Chicken butt. Let's go!" Pearl wheeled around me and dragged me by my scarf towards the town's exit.

"Let me go! I don't want to go!" No matter how much I tried, I couldn't break away from his grasp. In a matter of minutes he dragged me all the way to Lake Verity. It wasn't because he's stronger than me; it was because my scarf was wrapped too tightly around my neck. By the time we got to the lake, I was suffocating. Pearl finally noticed this and let go of the scarf. I tossed the scarf off and gulped down some of the humid air.

"Sorry about that Dia- HEY! YOU GET YOUR BITCH ASSES OUT OF HERE!" An old man and a girl about me and Pearl's age (15) were already at the lake water. They were looking pretty disappointed by something. The old man (who I'm gonna pointy mustache man for now) turned to face Pearl and I.

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth young man?" Mustache man asked.

"Huh? Of course I don't make out with my mother!"

"That's not what he meant Pearl..." I said. The girl that was with mustache man kept staring at us. There was something in her eyes that told me she was afraid of me and Pearl. Frankly, I would be too if a cursing maniac and his friend just barged in on you.

"Get away from this lake you sick fetishist! The Red Gyarados is mine, you fat twine ball of a butt pounding, weird mustache having, teenage girl raping, poorly dressed, ASS IN A HAT!" Pearl ranted. I brushed past Pearl to talk with the old man without Pearl screaming in my ear.

"Um, please forgive Pearl. He's an idiot." I told him.

"PENIS SUCKING VAGINA LICKER!" Pearl ranted. He was still mad that these people got here before us.

"Um, have you guys captured the Red Gyarados yet?" I asked.

"No, I'm afraid you boys are mistaken. The Red Gyarados was recently captured by a young boy in Johto. We came here to find a pokemon much rarer then a Red Gyarados but it looks like we've been mistaken as well. But our other plan for this place shouldn't come back to haunt us… Come along Dawn." Mustache man and Dawn walked past Pearl who was still ranting out curse words.

"Episcopalian Jew faced turd!"

"PEARL! They left!" Pearl quieted down and finally realized he was doing something stupid. "Great job douche bag. We came here for no reason."

"Quit complaining. Hey, what's that?" He dropped his chainsaw on a stick to the ground and pointed to a patch of grass behind me. There was a small brown bag nestled among the weeds. Pearl and I opened it to see what was inside. We each pulled out a pokeball from it.

"These must be that guy's pokemon," I said with a frown. Unlike most people, I don't like pokemon.

"Cool! Let's steal them! Come on out!" Pearl released a tiny blue and white penguin pokemon from its ball. As soon as it saw Pearl it hugged his leg. "Aww… isn't that cute Diamond? It likes me already."

"Yeah… I think it likes you too much. Look at what its doing." Pearl lifted his leg to waist level. To his horror, the Piplup was humping his leg.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! GET IT OFF ME!" Pearl screamed as he flailed about, trying to kick Piplup off him. "DIAMOND! HELP ME OUT HERE!"

"Nope. This is way too funny."

"Can we trade? I don't want this one anymore!" He whined while trying to kick the little bird off.

"I don't know Pearl. It looks like you two have a lot in common…"

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I picked up the brown satchel and put my pokeball back. Pearl just proved one of the many reasons why I don't like pokemon. Some of them are just too damn horny...

I decided to return the last pokemon to whoever that mustache guy was. But before I could even stand up, the pokemon burst out of the ball on its own and into my hands. This one was a tiny orange monkey with an ass of flame. Even I would have admitted that it was cute until I got a taste of its personality. It greeted me by punching me in the nose.

"OW! You little bastard!" I cried out. I wasn't really expecting that, so I fell on my back out of pain. The Chimchar hopped on to my stomach. It started clapping and laughing at me. Apparently, my pain is its pleasure. Sadistic bastard…

"Hey Diamond?"

"What?" I said massaging my nose.

"Do you think this is what that old guy meant by 'the other plan doesn't come back to haunt us'?" I started piecing two and two together. The mustache guy must have left these two here on purpose. I wouldn't blame him…

"Oh it's gonna come back to haunt him alright. Punch him and hump him too. Come on Pearl." We each left with the new pokemon, one punching me in the chin with every step back to town and the other one humping Pearl so much he couldn't walk straight. That last line came out weird…


	2. Chapter 2

Orange bands of sunlight streaked across my face from my window. I used to my hand to block the rays from my eyes. It was the early morning hours and I was back in my bedroom. I don't remember much of what happened after Pearl and I left the lake. I'm not sure but due to the bumps on my head, I think the Chimchar I brought back (whom I've named Punchy for obvious reasons) knocked me out and Pearl dragged me home. Hopefully Punchy would have ran off into the forest and-.

"OOKA, OOKA, OOKA, AAAAAHHHHHHH!" I heard some unknown creature cry out from downstairs.

"What the fuck?" I said groggily. It was way too early for shit like this.

"DIAMOND! I WANT THIS HORRIBLE BEAST OUT OF THIS HOUSE! DO YOU HEAR ME!? OW!" My Mom shrieked. Punchy seemed to be harassing her too.

"Nope. Its still here…" I grumbled. So much for the running off into the forest idea… No one bothered to change me out of yesterday's clothes so I still had Punchy's pokeball in my pocket. I grudgingly got out of bed to save my mother.

I found my mom being backed into a corner by Punchy. She was trying to fight it off with a broom. I called it back to its ball in the nick of time. My mom tossed the broom aside and walked up to me; her hands on her hips and rage in her eyes.

"Listen to me Diamond. I want that little bastard out of this house. TODAY!"

"I got it covered mom."

"You better. First your sister started bringing in those _things_ and now _you?_ Now I suppose you'll leave and never come back just like she did."

"No, not really mom…"

"Well go then! I won't stop you!" She was getting a little dramatic… I'm pretty sure she wasn't listening to me either.

"Mom. I'm not leaving..."

"Now both of my babies have been corrupted by those _beasts_. Why does this always have to happen to me?" She said while sobbing a little.

"Crazy bitch…" I said rolling my eyes. Most of my family's problems come from pokemon. My older sister loved pokemon so much that she would take random ones in the house. My Mom on the other hand hates them. They argued over it daily. One day it got so bad that my sis finally snapped and ran away from home, vowing to never come back. I on the other hand, don't like pokemon either but unlike my mom I can tolerate them. It's kind of like tolerance of gay people. I tolerate them but I don't need to like them. Wait. Does that mean my sis ran off to be gay? I'm confusing myself…

"What did you just call me?"

"I said I had an itch."

"Oh. Well get going!" She pulled me by the arm and forcefully pushed me out of the front door. She slammed it behind me.

"That bitch didn't let me have breakfast…" I walked towards Pearl's house again. I heard the power tools turn on in his shed again so I didn't bother with the front door. I went around the back and knocked on the shed door.

"Pearl? Are you in there?"

"Yeah! Just hold on a sec. HUMPY! GET OFF OF ME!" I started to hear the sound of Pearl kicking things and Humpy's (Piplup) squealing. "I know, I know! I like you too Humpy but humping is the wrong way for showing your affection! Return!" Pearl must have found Humpy's pokeball. He kicked open the shed door.

"OK! Let's go!" He tried leaving but I caught him by the collar again.

"Where exactly are we going?"

"To Sandgem Town. I figured that since that guy was carrying a Chimchar and a Piplup then he must be that Professor Rowan guy. And his name was on the bag we stole…" We left our quiet little village again. We kept walking until we reached the tall grass where pokemon live.

"Uh… it can't be as bad as everybody says, right?" I asked hoping that Pearl reassure me.

"N-no. And besides. We have pokemon now, even if they're both psychopaths…" I didn't find that reassuring at all.

"How about we just run for it. That way, the pokemon won't catch us."

"Agreed." We both sprinted as fast as we could. It wasn't as long as we expected and we were just about to make it to the next town but…

"Holy cra-." Pearl shouted. I put my hand over his mouth to shut him up. I didn't want him to wake up the sleeping Staraptors that blocked our way. We were just about to tiptoe past them but to my horror, Punchy released itself from its ball. Even worse, it landed right next to the biggest Staraptor in the group.

"Punchy! No! Bad monkey!" I hissed barely above a whisper. It smiled at me and shook its head yes and raised its fist. I shook my head no. Then it shook its head yes again. It went back and forth like that about six more times. "Please Punchy! If you have any love or respect for me at all you'll put down your hand and come with me and most importantly, _not punch the Staraptor!_" I pleaded with it. It put down its fist and smiled at me. "Aww… you really do love me…" Punchy then kicked Staraptor in the beak. "I HATE YOU, YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"

"RUN FOR IT!" Pearl screamed. The huge Staraptors woke up one by one and hovered up into the air. They all looked down at us with great anger. I picked Punchy up by the arm and ran off with Pearl into town. We heard the Staraptors all cry out at once from behind. The whole flock was chasing after us at once.

We pushed open the first door we saw and slammed it behind us. The Staraptors didn't notice and kept on flying straight ahead.

"HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF FUCKING BUDDHA! THAT WAS TOO FUCKING CLOSE! WE COULD'VE FUCKING DIED!" Pearl shouted at the top of his lungs.

"You have a bad cursing problem young man." We both turned around to see pointy mustache- I mean Prof. Rowan behind us.

"Wow. Don't you think that its more than a coincidence that while we're running for our lives, _this_ is where went to save ourselves?" Pearl asked me.

"What you call coincidence, I call plot device…"

"What do you two want here? I'm a very busy man and-." Rowan said.

"Cut the crap bitch!" Pearl exclaimed. "Me and Diamond got a hold of those defective pokemon you guys left at the lake and now we're returning them!" Rowan began to look worried and his forehead was sweating profusely. Pearl handed him Humpy's pokeball and I tossed Punchy into his arms where it greeted him with a punch in the mouth.

"N-n-n-no! Y-you can't give them back!" He handed our respective pokemon back.

"Why the hell can't we give them back?" Pearl protested giving them back again.

"Um, um… oh! Finders keepers! You found them, you keep them!" He said tossing them back.

"That's bullshit! You take them and that's final!" Pearl cried out shoving them into Rowan's chest.

"Um… but wait! What if I made you two trainers? That way, over time you'll bond with Piplup and Chimchar. Only you two can change their ways and turn them into powerful fighters!" Pearl stopped being angry and became attentive to what Rowan said. "If you just listen to me for a few minutes on the finer points of being a trainer, you will accept these two _wonderful_ pokemon…"

"Oh hell no!" I shouted. "You may win over halfwits like Pearl with your promises of trainers and friendship between pokemon but not me! You'll never get me stuck with that chimp from hell!" My mind was made up.

"Oh fine. Come with me, Pearl. I'll teach you everything I know about being a trainer." He led Pearl to a back room. Once he moved away, I finally noticed that his assistant Dawn was standing behind him the whole time. She was hugging her Turtwig very close to her chest.

"Oh, um, hi. I didn't see you there. My name is Diamond." I outstretched my hand for a hand shake but she refused to shake it. She just stared at the ground, not even trying to meet my gaze.

"Um… h-hi…" she said meekly. "M-m-my name's Dawn."

"I know, I heard the professor say your name yesterday."

"I-I'm sorry…"

"Huh? You never did anything to me."

"N-no. Me and the professor abandoned th-those pokemon and you guys got them instead and now you guys have to suffer for what we did…"

"Well, it isn't that bad Dawn. We're the ones who tried stealing pokemon…" I could tell from the way Dawn spoke that she's really shy.

"Um… can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"How c-come you don't want to be a trainer l-like your friend?"

"To tell you the truth, I don't like pokemon that much. They may look cute but all they ever do is burn you, electrocute you, poison you, slice you, paralyze you, beat you up, blow you up, hump you and punch you. I just don't want to get caught up in all that bull-."

"YEAH!" Pearl exploded from the back room. "ROWAN! YOU CHANGED ME MAN! I SWEAR I'M GONNA BECOME THE CHAMPION RIGHT NOW! DIAMOND!" He said pointing to me.

"Oh no…" I said under my breath.

"STOP TALKING TO THAT NOBODY AND BECOME A TRAINER LIKE ME!" Pearl got a little upset from being called a nobody.

"Pearl! Knock it off you dick! Dawn, he didn't really mean-."

"It's ok Diamond…" She said before going to the back room.

"Pearl. Can you do me a _huge_ favor?"

"What?"

"Die."


	3. Chapter 3

"WOO!" Pearl screamed before running out of the Rowan's lab. He ran off into the distance and disappeared.

"Okay… um… where the fuck is he going?" I asked.

"Anywhere he wants to." Rowan answered. "Now that Piplup- I mean Pearl is gone, all I need is for you to take Chimchar."

"No. Fucking. Way!" I said crossing my arms.

"How about if you take Chimchar I give you 50 dollars?"

"Tempting… but still no!"

"Um, 50 bucks and I give you Dawn as a bonus?"

"Even more tempting… After all, Dawn has a nice rack…" I thought out loud. "But still no."

"Damn it! What will it take to break you boy?"

"Nothing. Bye now!" I turned to leave but the professor grabbed my shoulder.

"I just got an idea. How about a little wager?"

"I'm listening."

"If you beat Dawn in a battle against her Turtwig with Punchy, I'll let you go home and you'll never see it again. If you lose, you have to promise to take Punchy far, far away from here." I considered. I don't know that much about battling but Punchy has the advantage.

"Fine." Before I knew it, I was outside facing down Dawn. I released Punchy a couple of minutes ago and it hasn't stopped punching me in the leg since. "GET YOUR ASS IN THERE! I shouted before kicking it to where Dawn's Turtwig was in the middle of the field. Turtwig tackled Punchy so hard that it knocked Punchy out in one hit.

"How anticlimactic…" I said before returning Punchy.

"We had a deal Diamond. Now _you _keep that little bastar- um, little _angel_." Rowan told me.

"I know…" I screwed up big time. Now mom is probably gonna have a heart attack and there's absolutely nothing I can do about Punchy. I made a promise to keep it… Suddenly, a large explosion went off in town.

"What the hell was that?"

"Trust me. It's probably Pearl. I'll go check it out," I said. I took one last look at Dawn and Rowan before running towards the source of the explosion. Somehow Pearl managed to blow up the pokemon center. I know this because when I got there, Pearl leaped out of the flames wearing nothing but his boxers with Humpy humping his left arm.

"SUPREME BUTT SEXINGS FOR ALL!" Pearl shouted before running past me. Pearl was running around in hysterical joy.

"I'm not gonna ask, I'm not gonna say anything, I'm just gonna walk away, go home and eat some cookies," I said to myself. I really didn't want to be seen with Pearl when he's like this. I heard a rumbling from behind me. I turned around to find a Steelix slithering into the town. And it was going straight for…

"PEARL! LOOK OUT!" But I was too late. Steelix charged and ate him in one bite. Then it turned its monstrous head towards me. "Oh shit…" At this point, my pants were completely soiled. "NO! DON'T EAT ME!" I felt its massive jaw slide under my legs and scooped me into its mouth. Once its mouth was closed, it was pitch black.

"Damn," I said to myself. "I always thought I'd die on the crapper like Elvis. A truly honorable death! But no. I get eaten by a random Steelix!"

"Hey dipshit! We're not dead yet!" I heard from somewhere else in Steelix's mouth.

"Pearl? Is that you?"

"No! I'm freakin' Jack Sparrow bitch!" He said sarcastically. "Of course it's Pearl!" It sounded like all of his hysterical joy is gone now. "Do you mind telling me _why_ we've been eaten by a Steelix?"

"I don't know. But it doesn't look like its trying to eat us. He's not chewing or even trying to swallow us… Its feels more like its carrying us…"

"Carrying us? What kind of bullshit is that?" We felt Steelix stop moving. It raised its head for some reason.

"Good job Steelix." We heard from outside.

"Wait… I know that voice… Oh crap! Not her!" I said.

"Her? Who's her?" Pearl asked.

"Hi Di-di!" We heard her say before Steelix opened its mouth. "It's been a long time hasn't it?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I apoligize for the shortness of this chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

Character Files Yay!

Diamond

Personality- Slightly serious and could be a deep thinker if he just applied himself. He's the main protagonist.

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)- Has a fetish for punching people and has no respect for Diamond at all. Mischievous little bastard…

Pearl

Personality- Hyperactive, slightly bipolar and idiotic friend of Diamond. Everyone knows he jacks off a lot but he doesn't admit it.

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)- Humpy loves Pearl a lot. A little too much actually… It shows affection by humping one of Pearl's arms or legs whenever it is called out. Pearl and it actually have a lot in common…

Dawn

Personality- polite, quiet and reclusive assistant to Professor Rowan. She doesn't like to talk much and stutters when she actually does speak. Has a nice rack though…

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Steelix opened its mouth to reveal its trainer to us. It was none other then my older sister Sharon.

"It's my sexy love!" Pearl rejoiced. He hopped out of Steelix's mouth to hug her. He's had an undying crush on her since we were five. I climbed out of Steelix as well.

"Pearl! It's nice to see you again but can you let go me?" She asked. He let go of her and started singing.

She makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up  
Just one touch, and I erupt  
Like a volcano and cover her with my love  
Baby girl you make me say ooooh  
And I just can't think(of any thing else I'd rather do)  
Then to hear you sing (sing my name the way you do)  
Oh when we do our thing (when we do the things we do)  
Mmm Baby girl you make me say oooh

Sexy love, girl the things you do  
Keep me sprung, Keep me runnin back to you  
Ooh I love makin love to you  
Baby girl you know your my  
Sexy Love!

"Pearl! Shut the fuck up!" I shouted.

"No! You shut the fuck up! You speak when fucking spoken to bitch nigga!" He shouted back.

"I speak whenever the fuck I wa- Did you just call me the N word? I'm not black stupid!"

"Does it look like I give a fuck? I'll call you whatever the fuck I want you fucking-."

"STOP! BOTH OF YOU STOP!" Sharon shouted over us. "My ears are practically bleeding from your foul words! You guys never used to curse when I was still at home."

"That's because we were eight when you left," I said. "You left seven years ago so why do you wanna see us now?" There was always some deep philosophical reason behind why Sharon does _anything_.

"Why are you sounding like you don't trust me?"

"Because I don't trust you. Why'd you sick your Steelix on us? And how did you know where we were?"

"I saw you guys getting chased by Staraptors in town. So I decided to bring you guys to me to congratulate you guys." She suddenly rushed to hug me around the neck. "You finally chose my side and become a trainer too Di-di!" Di-di was her nickname for me since we were kids. She started pinching my cheeks. "My baby brother is finally growing up!"

"Knock it off!" I said swiping her hands away. "I'm not your little Di-di anymore!"

"Sure you aren't," she said sarcastically.

"And another thing. I didn't choose to be a trainer. I lost a bet with Professor Rowan!"

"Whatever. Oh, when I was in town I also noticed that your Chimchar has some behavioral problems. Here." She said handing me a pokeball.

"What's this for?"

"Just introduce your Chimchar to the pokemon in there and its problems will be over. Ok? I gotta go now!" She said before kissing me on the forehead. "Bye Di-di! Bye Pearl!" She climbed on top of Steelix's head and had it carry her off into the distance.

"BYE MY SEXY LOVE!" Pearl screamed as he frantically waved goodbye. I stared at the pokeball for a minute. There was absolutely no way this was gonna turn out fine. But what could it hurt? I released Punchy from its ball. It smiled its mischievous smile and prepared to punch me in the nuts.

"Hold on a second Punchy! I have something to show you…" I released the second pokemon (hoping it would be a Golem or something). Instead a Buneary popped out. "Oh damn it…" I cursed. I wanted a Golem… Buneary jumped into my arms.

"See that Punchy? This one likes me, why can't you? GAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" Buneary used one its huge ears to smack me in the side of the face. It felt like someone just tossed a brick into my face. "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!?" Buneary had turned my entire left cheek into one big bruise. "God damn it! That hurts so much!" Pearl, Humpy, and Buneary were crying from laughter. The only one not laughing (besides me of course) was Punchy.

I think Punchy was a little jealous of how much pain Buneary gave me. Punchy never hit me that bad so I guess it felt like Buneary was moving in on its territory.

(Hey! Only I get to beat up on the idiot!) Punchy said. Pokemon speak in parentheses.

(Excuse me?) Buneary asked.

(You heard me! Only I get to beat him up!)

(Not anymore you don't!)

(Bitch!)

(Faggot!)

(Scrotum for ears!)

(VAGINAL DISCHARGE!)

I have absolutely no idea what those two were saying but it seemed to me that Punchy got upset at the last thing Buneary said. Instead of punching like it normally does, it belched out a bunch of embers from its mouth at Buneary. Buneary just spun around on the spot. The wind made by its spinning ears made the embers fly back towards Punchy. Punchy leaped to the side and tried hitting Buneary with a flying punch. Buneary calmly hopped above it so Punchy missed and hit the ground. Buneary was gonna land down with a kick to the face but Punchy shot more embers into its face before it could. Buneary fell to the ground, temporarily blinded. While it couldn't see Punchy gave it a powerful uppercut to its chin.

"Wow. Look at those motherfuckers go…" Pearl marveled.

"What I don't get is this. Why does she think giving me an equally psychotic pokemon will help me with _anything_?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's just a prank. My sexy love is so funny!"

"Funny my ass… Do you think we should stop them?" I suggested. The pokemon stopped using their moves and started wrestling on the ground. I noticed that Buneary got Punchy in a really tight headlock…

"Hell no! This is kind of entertaining! Ooh! I just got a great idea! We should sell tickets to people so they could see this!"

"That's not actually a bad idea. Come on! Let's go make the tickets!" I said. Pearl and I left the field we were in and left the pokemon to their struggle. … We must be the worst trainers ever…


	5. Welcome to Diamond and Pearl Beach

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Pearl and I spent the rest of the day in Sandgem Town. We made posters that said 'Fight of the Century! Have you ever wondered who would win in a fight between a monkey thingy and rabbit thingy? If you want to find out, come to Sandgem Beach at 9 tonight!' Pearl was gonna be the big announcer and the one charging the tickets. I, on the other hand, was in charge of warming up the _fighters_… I got so many bruises that day…

Surprisingly, we got a pretty big turnout. About 25 different trainers and bystanders came for it. And since we charged 15 dollars a ticket, we made 375 bucks I think.

"Ladies and Gentleman! Trainers and unimportant people! Welcome to the Sandgem Beach fight of the century! My name is Pearl, your sexaliscous host!" Pearl shouted into a microphone he _borrowed _from the local town hall. The crowd began cheering. Pearl may be an idiot, but he really knows how to excite a crowd. Not that that's a good thing most of the time if you know what I mean…

"In one corner, we have Punchy! The Piston Punching Primate!" On cue, I released Punchy from its ball. "And in the other corner is Hoppy! The Happy Hopping Hare!" I quickly ran to the other side of the beach and released Hoppy as well.

Punchy and Hoppy stared daggers at each other and revved themselves to charge as soon as Pearl gave the word. He pulled a flag from his pocket.

"Ready? Set… GO!!!" He waved the flag and each pokemon charged towards the other. Punchy reared its fist back to make the first strike but…

"STOP! STOP EVERYTHING!" We heard someone shout from the back of the crowd. The pokemon immediately stopped in their tracks. "Let me through!" The crowd made a pathway so a strange woman from the back could get through. I almost mistook her for Sharon. She was blond too and had almost the same black jacket on.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?" Pearl shrieked.

"My name is Cynthia and you all should be ashamed at what you're doing! Especially you two!" She said pointing to me and Pearl. "Pokemon are our friends! You guys can't use them for you amusement. You should be the most ashamed!" She said pointing to me this time. "As a trainer, you should know better than to let them fight like this!"

"As a trainer, I'm legally allowed to do whatever I want with my pokemon. So what if we use our pokemon to earn a couple of bucks?" I argued back. "Just butt out bitch!"

"People like you make me sick. I'm shutting you two down!" She pulled a pokeball out of her pocket. Pearl was beginning to worry. The crowd was getting restless.

"They might ask for a refund! I have to do something!" Pearl thought to himself. He pulled out the megaphone he _borrowed_ from the lifeguard station and climbed onto the tallest rock on the beach.

"Attention everyone! I'm sorry but due to Bitchy McBitch over there, we're closing down the fight of the century." Everyone in the crowd groaned at once and turned to leave. "But wait! I have an even better idea! Tomorrow morning, for an additional fee of 20 dollars, you can enter the uh… oh! Diamond and Pearl Beach Tournament! Any trainer who pays the fee will be allowed to join! And the winner will not only receive all of the money we've taken from you but you will also win this shiny black stone I found on the beach and all of the gold rocks I _borrowed_ from this town's mayor!" Everyone seemed confused until Pearl showed them all the dusk stone he found and a bucket full of gold nuggets. Everyone gave a loud cheer. They all dispersed, all preparing for the tournament at hand. Cynthia put her pokeball away.

"Fine. We settle this tomorrow." She said before leaving.

"I think I handled that pretty well, don't you think Diamond?" Pearl said climbing down from the rock.

"Pearl! You idiot!"

"What?"

"Why'd you offer up all of our money and that gold you stole?"

"_Borrowed_, Diamond. _Borrowed_."

"Whatever!"

"Relax! I said any trainer could join right? We'll both enter and one of us will win first prize. Then we run over to the next town before the crowd starts a riot."

"I don't know if you noticed but all of our pokemon have problems."

"No. Your pokemon have problems. Humpy may hump me a lot but it still does what I say. I suggest you fix them or you're gonna be the announcer from now on."

Pearl and I slept out on the beach that night. While Pearl and Humpy slept I sat down with Punchy and Hoppy (damn I make bad nicknames) to try and get them to listen to me.

"Ok. I know you guys don't like me but can you guys just listen to me for once? Please?" They both turned away from me and started talking to each other.

(Don't like him? What does he mean?) Punchy asked.

(Well, we do beat up on him a lot.) Hoppy said.

(I like him but it's just so fun to mess with him.)

(My thoughts exactly.) They both turned back to me and nodded their heads.

"Yay! You guys _do_ listen to me!" As soon I said that they beat me until they knocked me out… I hate pokemon…

The next day, I woke up picking sand out of my mouth, eyes and ears. We really need to buy sleeping bags after this… Once I could see and hear again I finally noticed the dozens of people crowding around me. I picked up my sleeping pokemon and started looking for Pearl.

"Pearl? Where are you?" _I _could barely hear myself over the crowd's buzzing of excitement. I suddenly heard Pearl's voice over the megaphone and started following the sound of his voice.

"Move the bleachers over there. NO! Over there! Hey! Get your ass back there! If you savage little monkey slaves don't do as I say I can and _will_ get someone who can! I'm rich bitch!" Pearl barked out orders. I followed his voice to the center of the beach.

In a few short hours, Pearl had somehow obtained dozens of bleachers and hired people to carry them and make them face the sea. He also took control of the lifeguard's high chair.

"Pearl! What have you been doing all night?" I shouted to him.

"Achieving greatness, my friend!" He jumped down to talk to me without using the megaphone. "This is the coolest thing to ever happen to us Diamond! So many people showed up for this thing! We are fucking rich! So…" Pearl said. He then lifted the megaphone to his mouth. "IF YOU LOSE I'M GONNA RIP YOUR SPINAL CORD OUT, HOLLOW IT OUT AND USE IT TO TEACH ORPHANS HOW TO PLAY THE CLARINET!" I gulped down hard. I don't want orphan lips on my spine…

"I got it. So stop screaming at me…"

"Ok. Now you wait there. I'm gonna make the announcements." Pearl climbed onto the lifeguard tower again. "Welcome one and all to the Diamond and Pearl Beach Tournament! All spectators have to pay before taking their seats and participants stay on the beach, thank you!" Pearl waited for most of the crowd to sit down.

"I was surprised to see that only twenty people out of what I believe to be seven hundred were actually participating. We all stood in a row together. I noticed that Dawn stood on the opposite end of the line. I didn't expect someone like her to come out for something like this. I also noticed that Cynthia bitch was in the middle of the line.

"Alright!" Pearl began. "I'll give all trainers a five minute break period before I start announcing the matchups." Instead of releasing my pokemon or stretching like the other trainers, I went up to meet with Dawn. She was giving her Turtwig some kind of pep talk. I came up behind her.

"Ok Turtwig. We can do this. And even if we lose, that's ok… but let's try to win… I'm not sure I can do this…"

"Hi there!" I said.

"AAAAHHHHHH!" Dawn shrieked.

"Woah! Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you." She calmed down once she realized it was me.

"Oh. Sorry about that Diamond. I'm just a little nervous…"

"I'd say very nervous… OW!" I screamed as a pokeball hit me on the back of the head. I wheeled around to find Cynthia and her Roserade glaring at me. "Uh, can I help you?"

"No. Not at all. I just want to tell you that Roserade is going to rip you to shreds."

"We'll see about that…" I hate that bitch.

"Um, I-I'm worried about you Diamond," Dawn stated.

"How come?"

"Cynthia is one of Professor Rowan's old clients. She's on her way to becoming one of the Elite Four or even the Champion. It's a really bad idea to get on her bad side."

"Like I care. I'll take her down easy."

"TIMES UP BITCHES!" Pearl shouted. "Now for me to announce who's going against whom." Pearl pulled a hat from his back pocket- my hat. I finally realized that he stole it off of my head. He pulled two random slips of paper out of my hat.

"Okay! First match will be Dawn versus… oh crap…" Pearl stared at the second slip for a couple of seconds.

"Please don't Cynthia. Please don't be Cynthia. Please don't be Cynthia," Dawn begged.

"Um… the other trainer is um… me… I forgot that I even signed up for this thing… Anyway, Dawn and I both have to report to the beach and all other trainers must move away. The others and I moved to the bleachers leaving Dawn and Pearl as the only ones on the beach. Pearl released Humpy from its ball. Dawn looked furious at Pearl. I'm guessing she hasn't forgotten when he called her a nobody…


	6. Dawn vs Pearl

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

(Note from the author) Thanks for reading up to this point guys! This story was just something I wanted to do if I got bored and I wasn't planning on continuing it. Imagine my surprise when I found that even though I have two reviews, I got almost 500 hits in two days. I know that's not completely impressive but it is the best start any of my stories has ever had. I thank you all because if it wasn't because of those hits I would have shut this down in a heartbeat. Now I'm actually interested in continuing this. And after you read, please leave a review because they help me a lot with my writing. Thanks again you guys. YOU KICK ASS! Okay… I'm out!

"Okay Humpy, they have a type advantage over us but don't worry! We have something they don't… THE POWER OF SEXINESS! LET'S KICK THEIR ASS AND LOOK SEXY DOING IT!" Pearl said to Humpy. This got Humpy so excited that it started humping Pearl's leg again. "No! Knock it off Humpy!" Pearl said trying to kick it off of him. "I know I'm sexy but you have to control yourself!" The whole crowd started laughing at him. "Shut up! Don't judge me!" Dawn was giving Turtwig a similar pep talk.

"Okay. This guy made fun of me yesterday and I want to get back at him Turtwig. Let's beat his ass good! Eww… that sounded wrong… Ok. Let's not beat him. No, no I want to beat him but not his ass… Oh forget it. Lets just win!"

Pearl had made me the announcer since he had to focus on the battle. I stood on top of the lifeguard station and spoke into Pearl's megaphone.

"Time to start the first match out of 10!" I called out. "All battles are done one-on-one. Trainers and pokemon are allowed to use any feature of the beach to their advantage as long as it isn't near the bleachers. That includes the sand, rocks and ocean. Trainers are allowed to interfere in any way during the match as long as they don't hit the opposite pokemon physically. That will count as cheating. Okay. Both of you ready?"

"Ready!" Dawn and Pearl said in unison.

"Ok. GO!" I shouted. Humpy got off of Pearl and ran towards Turtwig.

"Use peck!" Pearl ordered. Humpy leaped into the air and then dove downward to ram its beak into Turtwig. Turtwig calmly stepped to the left, out of Humpy's reach. Humpy rammed into the sand instead, its head completely buried. "Ouchies…" Pearl cringed.

"Turtwig! Bite it and send it flying!" Dawn said. Turtwig bit Humpy on the leg, pulling it out of the sand in the process. Humpy squealed out of pain. Turtwig then used its jaw send Humpy over its head and back to Pearl. "Now tackle it!" Turtwig charged towards Humply's collapsed body, kicking up sand in its wake.

"No fucking way I'm letting you do that!" Pearl cursed. He kicked Humpy into the ocean. Turtwig stopped in its tracks. "Ha! Now you can't follow it!" Dawn was getting worried. She couldn't attack anymore. Humpy was so exhausted that it could barely stay afloat in the water. Pearl had to think of a way to distract them so Humpy could heal. He picked up a couple of rocks and some sand and started tossing them at Turtwig.

"Hey Turtwig! You'd look just like your mother if you can gain three hundred pounds, a mustache and a muddy ass crack!" Pearl taunted. This, along with the rocks constantly hitting it in the head made Turtwig forget about the Piplup in the water and go after Pearl. "Turtwig! Yo momma's so fat um… she's fat!" Pearl jeered (or at least tried to). Turtwig started leaping up to try and bite Pearl now. "So you're a snapping turtle now eh? Yo momma's so fat that when she tried to get on top she snapped my dick in half!"

"Stop it! Leave Turtwig alone!" Dawn pleaded as Pearl ran past her with Turtwig on his tail. "Turtwig you have to calm down!" She turned to me. "Diamond! Stop your friend! He's cheating!"

"No he's not," I said. Me and Pearl made that trainer interference rule to make sure that we would win every time. "Trainers are allowed to do whatever they want in battle except hit the opposing pokemon with their hands, feet, etcetera. It's perfectly fine to throw rocks or in this case, make bad jokes about Turtwig's mother," I explained.

"But I-."

"Rock good, fist bad."

"But-."

"Rock good, fist bad!"

"But he-."

"ROCK GOOD, FIST BAD!" Dawn gave up on trying to reason with me. She dropped to her knees and put her face in her hands. I had a horrible premonition that she was going to cry. I decided to ease up on her a bit.

"Hey Pearl!" I called. "I forgot. How many times do you jack off a day?" Pearl stopped in his tracks.

"For the last time… I DON'T JACK OFF! GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Pearl screamed. I distracted him so Turtwig could catch up. It leaped into the air and bit Pearl on the arm. "GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR THAT DIAMOND! AAAAHHHH!" Pearl flailed about trying to swing Turtwig off. "GET OFF OF ME YOU SWEATY BASTARD! HUMPY! USE WATER GUN! SHOOT IT OFF OF ME!"

Humpy was fully restored. It leaped out of the ocean and shot a jet of water towards Turtwig. It missed and accidentally shot Pearl in the stomach. He fell back on to the burning sand with Turtwig still refusing to let go. He got back on to his feet, complete and utter fury in his eyes.

"THAT DOES IT! LET ME GO!!" Pearl shouted. He swung his arm with all of his might. This one sent Turtwig flying towards the ocean. Its shell collided with Humpy's face. "Oh crap. Sorry Humpy!" Dawn pulled the drowning Turtwig out of the shallow water.

"Diamond! I quit! A game isn't worth losing Turtwig over…" she said hugging Turtwig close to her.

"No Dawn! You won!"

"Huh?"

"Pearl's act of stupidity knocked Humpy out!" It was true. When Turtwig collided with Humpy in the water, it knocked Humpy unconscious. It was laying on its back in the water, its mouth agape and its eyes closed. Pearl was stunned still by what just happened. Normally, he would scream and shout obscenities but this time he was speechless. After all, it was his fault.

"Dawn is the winner!" I shouted into the megaphone. The crowd started clapping and cheering for her. She blushed and waved at them.

"Um… thank you!" she said. I climbed down from the lifeguard station to snap Pearl out of his daze. I grabbed his shoulder and shook him a little.

"You okay Pearl?"

"My first battle… my first battle… and I lost… and it's my fault…" He rambled. I smacked him in the back of the head to snap out of it. "Thanks. I needed that… Next time we fight it will be different!" Pearl shouted to Dawn. I could tell that he was furious over this loss but he was trying his best to keep his cool. "Return Humpy!" Pearl returned Humpy to its ball. "You better win this thing Diamond…" He hissed at me. He swiped the megaphone out of my hands.

"All trainers return to their seats so I can start the next round. MOVE IT BITCHES!" Dawn and I quickly ran back to our seats next to each other. "Now all of you bastards shut up so I can start the next match…"

"Good job Dawn," I said.

"Thanks Diamond."

"I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Pearl shrieked at us. Pearl isn't that menacing physically but he's scary when he's this mad. Dawn and I fell silent. "THAT'S BETTER!" He pulled the hat with our names in it out again. "The next two to go up is Diamond and… Fuck me in the butt?"

"WHAT?! I KNEW YOU WERE JACKING OFF TO GUYS ALL THE TIME PEARL!" I screamed.

"I DON'T JACK OFF! Fuck me in the butt it your opponent apparently… Will Mister fuck me in the butt please stand up?" No one in the trainer area stood up. An eerie silence fell over the beach. The only sounds breaking that silence was the sound of the waves and the snickering of some kid seven seats down from me and Dawn. He was… weird to say the least. His hair was dyed white and pointed in every direction. He wore a headband with three flaming sevens on the front and two fuzzy dice hung from the headband and onto the side of his face. He only wore an unbuttoned tuxedo blazer with nothing underneath and swimming shorts.

"Are you fuck me in the butt?" Pearl asked the boy.

"Hehe. No I'm not gonna fuck you in the butt," the kid replied. Pearl, without warning, leaped from his post and charged towards the boy and lifted him up by his collar.

"ARE YOU OR ARE YOU NOT FUCK ME IN THE BUTT!?" Pearl screamed in his face.

"Spaz…" I thought.

"Woah! Calm down guy!" The kid said. "My name's Jack but I did write fuck me in the butt on my slip… Woah!" He said before Pearl dropped him on the sand.

"I'm warning you short man, try anymore funny stuff and I'll rip your balls off with my bare hands. YOU GOT THAT?!" Pearl warned.

"Yeah I got it… Spaz…"


	7. Diamond vs Jesus?

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Diamond vs. Jesus? 

Jack and I took our places by the beach. I _tried_ to get Punchy to warm up with me but it just punched me in the eye. So I let it just punch me in the leg for a warm up. At least it was having fun… Jack on the other hand, didn't even release his pokemon. He just smirked at us the whole time. That kid is totally gay…

"Are the two of you ready?" Pearl asked.

"Ready as I'll ever be…" I said. I wasn't really enthusiastic about this. I used my heavily bruised leg to nudge Punchy away from me. And by nudge I mean kick. "Get your ass in there!"

"I'm ready too," Jack stated.

"Ok. GO!" Pearl shouted. Punchy got into a fighting stance but Jack didn't do anything. "Hey, the match started. Get your pokemon out!"

"Hold on, I'm building suspense," Jack said pulling a pokeball from his pocket. He cleared his throat and lifted his hands into the air. "MORTALS HEED MY WORDS!" His voice echoed across the beach. "You are now about to witness what only a few in our world's history have witnessed. I am about to reintroduce to the world the one and only son of He who answers to I am! Our Lord and Savior! The Alpha and Omega! The Christ!" He ranted. I knew this is going to be something stupid. This guy couldn't actually be trying to release Jesus right? "I RELEASE YOU LORD! GO JESUS!" He tossed the pokeball to the ground.

Instead of Jesus, a Chatot appeared instead… The whole crowd was stunned either out of shock or stupidity. Pearl's face turned blood red out of rage. He doesn't like dumb jokes.

"THAT'S NOT JESUS YOU RETARD!" He shrieked.

"Yes I am," the Chatot said. Pearl's jaw dropped. "Hello. My name is Jesus. I have been reincarnated as a Chatot because apparently, men would rather learn the secrets of the universe from a bird than each other. I have come to restart my ministry in your modern day world and hopefully I won't be crucified like last time… Any questions before I begin?" The Chatot said in an eloquent voice. Everyone except me and Jack was in complete awe. I wasn't going to be impressed by a confused bird and hopefully no one else would. Unfortunately, everyone except Dawn, Cynthia and I got out of their seats and started bowing to this so called Jesus.

I stormed up to Pearl and took the megaphone out of his hand. It was time to spread my atheist point of view and common sense to these people.

"GET UP YOU SONS OF BITCHES!" I hollered. "It's a motherfucking Chatot for Christ's sake… no pun intended! Jack must have taught it to say all that stuff. I'm not saying that there is an actual Jesus but do you people honestly believe that this _bird_ is him? How stupid are you? Have our standards dropped so low that we'll believe anything a talking pokemon says?" I ranted. One man stood up to challenge me.

"Hey kid! What did Jesus ever do to you?"

"The _real_ Jesus never did anything to me. _That_ Jesus and that freak Jack are pissing me off!" I said pointing to the Chatot.

"Let Jesus tell his side of the story kid!" The same man from before said.

"I understand why you're so skeptical. But if you just let me prove my power then you will understand who I am," Jesus- I mean Chatot said to me.

"Fine. Prove your power," I told it crossing my arms.

"Only I am capable of… FLIGHT!" It said before flying up about two feet.

"Oooooooooooh, aaaaaaaaaaah…" The audience said in amazement. This made me extremely angry.

"ALL CHATOTS CAN FLY!"

"That's not a Chatot. That's Jesus!" A little boy said.

"If it looks like a Chatot, smells like a Chatot and _flies _like a Chatot… IT'S A CHATOT! What is wrong with you people?"

"Um… HAIL JESUS!" The man from before cried out. They all started bowing for the Chatot again.

"STOP! STOP, STOP, STOP! Let me just get my point across before you all start getting stupid…" I waited for all of them to stop bowing and start being attentive. "Okay… I'm an atheist but I still know what I'm talking about so listen up! I know for a fact that half of you aren't even Christian and are worshipping this _thing_. Why? Why do all of our religions compete for evidence that their god or prophet is real and another's isn't? And once one actually does find proof, others from different a religion joins the band wagon without realizing what they're doing. Just because you find a taco shell that looks like the Virgin Mary or a rock with an impression of Muhammad in it or in this case a Chatot that may or may not be Jesus, doesn't mean your religion is the right one. Why do we get so excited when something like this happens, you ask? I'll tell you. The entire world has come far away from what it used to be and absolutely nothing miraculous has happened. No gods coming down from the heavens, no parting the Red Sea, no people rising from the dead, nothing has happened in the past few millenniums. So we hold on to these little trophies of the past to reassure ourselves that our religion isn't a piece of bullshit that some crazy motherfucker might have made up (cough, Mormonism, hack, cough Scientology, cough). Now we believe in anything that might link us to our past and most of the time they're just deceiving us like a certain _Chatot _I know... But what I'm saying here is to forget the past! So what if no miracles have happened? We've built on the morals and beliefs of the past and handed them down for generations. We've finally made them our own and yet we still feel like we need relics or a second coming of Jesus to prove our worth. We don't need them! We need to stop fooling ourselves right now! We need to build on the past and live in the present so we can achieve an even better future!"

I closed my eyes to wait for the thunderous clapping for my little tirade. To my dismay, only Dawn and Cynthia were clapping for me. Everyone else just stared at me as if I just did something stupid.

"Duhr… Praise Jesus!" One person cried out. In a matter of seconds they were back to bowing for the Chatot again.

"Oh well. I tried…" I sighed.

"That was a lovely speech," Chatot/Jesus said to me. "I understand your point of view on the subject, but you can't ignore that I'm the son of the living God. Come. Eat my flesh and drink my blood and you shall go to heav-."

"I have half a mind to dip you in boiling cooking acids so if I were you I'd zip it bird!"

"You're not going to heaven with that attitude mister."

I had enough with this thing by now. I lifted my foot to stomp on it while it wasn't looking but Punchy tugged on my pants leg. I have to admit that even though I was protesting against it, I got caught up in this religious nonsense too. I remembered that I'm still in a battle and Punchy was bored and ready to beat up on this bird as much as I did.

"Sucker punch!"

"What- GWAAAAAAA!" Chatot shrieked as Punchy bashed it in the beak, knocking it out in one hit. Everyone except me gasped at once.

"Hey! That's not Jesus!" The same guy from before said.

"What?" I said.

"Yeah! The real Jesus would have known that was coming and shot them both with lightning!" Another said.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?" I screamed. "I told you that it wasn't Jesus five minutes ago!"

"Yeah but you didn't prove it."

"Yes I did!"

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did!"

"No you didn't.

"Yes I- oh fuck you people!" I gave up. Jack picked up Jesus and put it back in its ball.

"This isn't over Diamond! The Apostles of Winged Jesus will rise and get revenge on you for thwarting our plan to convert this crowd!" He yelled at me before running away.

"Apostles of Winged Jesus? I _feel_ like I should watch out for whoever they are but I don't really give two shits. That kid's a total fag…"


	8. End of Round 1

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

And so I was pronounced the winner of my match since Jack ran off. I took my seat next to Dawn. For some reason she was looking at me in awe.

"What?"

"N-nothing! I- I mean, um… uh never mind…"

"Come on. Spit it out."

"It's nothing. I just never knew you that you're such a good public speaker, that's all…" She said staring at her feet and blushing a little.

"What use does public speaking have if almost no one listens?" I said bitterly. That last battle annoyed the hell out of me. I was in no mood for talking right now. "Wake me up when it's my turn again…" I leaned back on my seat and fell asleep right there.

I suppose I slept for the next six matches or so. I woke up just in time to see some fag named Ash Ketchum's battle. His Pikachu went up against some dude's Rhyperior. Needless to say, he got his fucking ass whooped.

"Larry is the winner!" Pearl announced. "Ash get your faggot ass out of here!" Ash ran away crying. "Fag… the next and final match of the first round is about to begin! It's Cynthia and do you mind if I take off your panties! Wait, what? Oh come on people! How hard is it to write your fucking first name on a little piece of paper!?" Regardless, Cynthia and this guy named Dewey took their spots by the beach.

"Hey Cynthia! If I win then um… will you go out with me?" Her opponent asked.

"Sure, but only because I know you won't win."

"We'll se about that. Go Bibarel!" He said releasing it from its ball. "Um, where's your pokemon?"

"It's here," she said complacently.

"Uh… where is it?"

"Under you. Garchomp! Use Crunch!" Garchomp's head erupted out, sending sand out in every direction. It opened up its gaping maw and savagely bit Bibarel's tail. Bibarel shrieked and tried escaping but couldn't. Garchomp dragged it into the hole it made. Once they were both out of sight, Garchomp put sand on top of the hole so we couldn't see what it was doing down there with Bibarel. We did hear what was going. Bibarel's haunting shrieks of terror and Garchomp's biting noises were heard from under the ground. Today was one the hottest days ever but at that moment I've never felt so cold and terrified…

"BIBAREL!" Her opponent screamed. He began digging in the sand to try and get it away from Garchomp. "Please stop! I give up! I give up!"

"You hear that Garchomp? Let it go," Cynthia said calmly. As soon as she said that, Bibarel zoomed out of the sand like a rocket and into its trainer's arms. Garchomp had ripped out most of Bibarel's fur. Its left eye was black, the right one was bleeding and both of its ears had their ear lobes ripped off. The trainer screamed like a little girl and ran away from the beach.

The crowd was bone chillingly quiet. I nearly pissed myself after seeing that performance. I gulped when I realized that Cynthia's whole reason for even participating was to kick my ass. I shuddered just thinking about what that monster Garchomp of hers could do to Punchy or Hoppy.

"Hey kid," Cynthia said to Pearl. "He gave up. Make the call." She snapped Pearl out of his horrified daze.

"Oh yeah. R-right… Um, the winner is Cynthia…" Unlike any of the other matches, no one clapped for her. They were too afraid to. Pearl waited for Cynthia to call back Garchomp and take her seat before talking again. "Okay. That concludes the first round! All participants that are still in the game must come back tomorrow for the second round or be disqualified. All spectators must pay again to watch tomorrow's matches. Thank you, good night and get the fuck out of here!" Pearl had the security guards he hired to usher the people away.

It was then that I finally noticed that Dawn was clinging to my arm. She looked more afraid of Cynthia than me at that point.

"Um, Dawn, can you let go?"

"Oh! Um, sorry about that Diamond…" She said letting go. We both got out of our seats and walked up to Pearl. He was sitting at the table he _borrowed_ from town hall. He was counting all of the money we made today. He pocketed a third of it and handed another third to me.

"And the rest is the prize money… which you will be winning for us Diamond," he explained.

"I don't know if I can do this Pearl," I said. The last two matches depressed so much that I felt like I couldn't win anymore.

"What do you mean? We're riding the money train baby! And this train doesn't stop for another three days! Do you realize that we got almost 9000 dollars in the first day alone? Can you imagine how much money will come over the next few rounds? We are running one of the biggest scams Sinnoh has ever seen here! Um… you won't tell anybody, right Dawn?" He asked, finally realizing she was there.

"Don't worry. I won't tell on you guys."

"Good. If you did, I would have to gut you like a Magikarp on market day. Anyway, what makes you think you can't do this? I need you to win so we can have all the money!"

"Pearl! Didn't you see that Rhyperior or Cynthia's Garchomp? My pokemon don't have a snowball's chance in hell of winning!"

"You'll never win with that attitude Negative Nancy," he said.

"You idiot! We have to get out of here with the money while we still can!"

"No! That's dishonest!"

"So?"

"Diamond, we just can't leave. How about this. I'll change the rules around again in our favor."

"Fine. But if Punchy or Hoppy die then I'll make you die," I said remembering what happened to Bibarel.

"Perish the thought friend."

"Um… Pearl? Can I talk to you for a second?" Dawn piped in.

"Sure. What is it?"

"Um… I want to drop out of the tournament…"

"WHAT!?" Pearl and I said in unison.

"Well… yeah. I want to drop out…"

"How come?" I asked.

"I just don't anything to happen to Turtwig if I'm here. And I really don't want to go against you tomorrow Diamond…" I almost forgot that since we won the first two matches that means we have to go against each other next.

"No! You can't! If there's a problem in the first round, the audience might get bored and walk out! I can practically _feel_ the money flying out of my wallet…" He said, his eyes twitching all the while.

"You're a freak Pearl…" I retorted.

"Zip it Diamond. The point is that you can't leave Dawn."

"Leave me alone Pearl…" She said quietly before turning to leave. I caught her by the arm before she had a chance to leave.

"Dawn. Seriously, don't drop out. I'm not a strong a trainer as you think I am. And even if one of us loses we'll still be friends right?" I urged her on. She paused before nodding her head yes. "Then there's nothing to worry about!" She was still looking unsure of herself.

"I'll think about it… Bye Diamond and Pearl!" She said before running off into town.

"Things only heat up from here Diamond. You ready for it?" Pearl asked.

"Ready as I'll ever be…" We shook hands and began packing up the tournament equipment for the night. I had a bad feeling about tomorrow…


	9. South Park References Kick Ass

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Pearl and I slept out on the beach that night again. Or at least tried to. Cynthia's gruesome battle kept playing over and over in my head. I was too scared to even sleep, in fear her Garchomp will pop out of the sand and chew out my spine. Pearl on the other hand, was so excited by how much money we're getting tomorrow that he couldn't sleep… Due to the smell wafting in the air, I'm pretty sure he pissed himself several times out of excitement.

"Diamond? You awake?" He asked.

"Yeah. You can't sleep either?"

"Nope. Hey. Let's play a game until sunrise."

"Okay. Let's try and guess what the other is thinking. You first."

"Alright. You're thinking of… dismantling all societies in order to reshape them with your radical yet sensible ideas which you developed by studying the history of social order and its many downfalls. The world will come to realize that you're right about everything and worship you like a god," he said breathlessly.

"Wow. You hit the nail on the head Pearl. Now let me try. You're thinking of… using the money from this tournament to get hookers to massage your nuts while you jack off to internet porn that you actually bought instead of pirated like you normally do."

"Yep. That was it exactly- Hey! I don't jack off! Go to sleep bitch!" He got up and tossed a rock into my forehead, knocking me out in an instant. "Oh crap. Now I'm all alone. Good night Pearl!" He tossed the same rock into the air and let it him in between the eyes and knocked him out as well.

I woke up the next day feeling the huge bump on my forehead. The crowd had returned and was loitering all around me. I could clearly hear Pearl shouting and screaming above the crowd's noise.

"NO! What? Come on! You can't do this to me! DON'T LEAVE ME! I'll pay you! HEY! DID YOU JUST FLIP ME OFF?! WELL FUCK YOU TOO! Wait! I didn't mean it! PLEASE COME BACK!" Pearl pleaded as loud as he could over the megaphone. "DIAMOND! IF YOU CAN HEAR ME COME TO THE LIFEGUARD STATION! WE HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM!"

"How can't I hear you? You're breaking the sound barrier…" I got up and started pushing my way through the crowd. Pearl was in a fetal position and biting his nails on the ground.

"This better be good Pearl…" It way too early for dilemmas. I helped him off of the ground.

"This isn't good. This is terrible!"

"What happened?" He pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket. It had a diagram of how the matches of our tournament were gonna play out. The next match was me and Dawn but Pearl crossed out the next three matches. The fifth match was Cynthia versus the guy that beat that fag Ash yesterday, Riley.

"Um… what is this supposed to mean?"

"HOW STUPID ARE YOU!?" He screamed in my face.

"Damn! When was the last time you brushed your teeth?" I said covering my nose.

"FOCUS! Don't you get it? Six people dropped out of the tournament because they're all afraid of Cynthia and Riley!"

"They all know when they can't win. So what?"

"So what?" He said disbelievingly. "My plan was to get four days and four rounds for this thing. Since so many people left we're practically already at the semifinals! It's like we skipped an entire day! Do you know that means?"

"I don't really care… But this whole ordeal reeks of plot device…"

"It means we've missed an entire day of cash flow! And that's just sick and wrong!" His eyes were twitching uncontrollably.

"You're a freak Pearl… Hey. Have you seen Dawn yet?" I was worried that she forfeited too.

"Why? You worried your girlfriend won't show up?" Pearl teased.

"She's just my friend."

"Yeah sure," He said sarcastically. "She's not a bad pick actually. She's got a nice rack and-."

"Pearl. Stop talking she-."

"-a small waist and her ass is okay. The only problem with her is her personality," he continued.

"Seriously, stop Pearl-." I urged. I didn't care if he thought Dawn's my girlfriend or what he thought about her. But she came up behind him and silently released her Turtwig.

"Don't interrupt! She's got a nice body but she's such a wallflower. Who wants to date somebody who's afraid to say anything to you? Aren't I right Diam- YAAAAAAAAA!" He screamed as Turtwig bit him on his-

"MY TWIG AND BERRIES! DAWN! I'M SORRY! GET IT OFF OF ME!" He shrieked while trying to pull Turtwig off of his groin.

"Fine. Let him go Turtwig," She ordered. Turtwig released Pearl and went back to Dawn's side.

"I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY! I MAY NEVER HAVE CHILDREN THANKS TO YOU!"

"Turtwig bit your groin. Not your genitals," She explained.

"What does it matter? I can't stand up either way!"

"Sorry…"

"Forget him, he doesn't need your sympathy," I said. "So did you come to compete or drop out like everybody else?" I asked. She picked up Turtwig and hugged it to her chest like she normally does.

"Um… no offence but I thought you might be weak so I…"

"It's okay. But what if you win and face Cynthia or Riley?"

"I guess I'd forfeit… I just wanted to see how far I could get…"

"Well that won't be very far. Pearl says that so many people forfeited that we're missing the entire second round and going to the semifinals early." Pearl's groin finally recovered. He stood up and shook the sand off of him.

"Alright. You guys go to your spots. I'm starting this little charade now." Dawn and I sat next to each other at the end of the bleachers. There was a huge gap between our seats and the other two's now that sixteen people were out of the tournament. Both Riley and Cynthia were sitting with their eyes closed and their arms crossed, both of them concentrating on the matches ahead.

"OK!" Pearl shouted into the megaphone once the crowd sat down. "Some new developments have taken place in the Diamond and Pearl Beach Tournament folks! First off, the others were pussies so they all dropped out so now we're at the semifinals instead. Second, a new rule is that you must switch the pokemon you're using every round. Third, trainers are allowed to interfere with each _other _now. Now without further ado… LETS START BITCHES!"

I guess those were the new rules Pearl mentioned yesterday. Dawn and I took our spots by the ocean. Having no choice, I released Hoppy from its ball. To counter it, Dawn sent out her Shellos (the pink one). Hoppy greeted me by slamming its ears into my ankle. It hit me so hard that my legs buckled in on themselves and I fell flat on my face.

"Hoppy, remind me to make a stew out of you later…" I said getting back up.

"Ready? Go!" Pearl ordered.

"Mud bomb!" Dawn ordered. Shellos shot a ball of mud from its mouth.

"Dodge it!" I said. Instead, Hoppy spun around on the spot like it did in its fights with Punchy. The spinning of its ears caused the sand and air around it whip around it like a miniature tornado. The spinning air sent the mud bomb right back at Shellos and hit it directly in the face. "Um, okay… that works too… Now use- Hey! What're you doing?" Hoppy leaped out of its mini sandstorm. It lunged for Shellos. The tips of its ears, arms and legs all started glowing blue. It then hit Shellos with numerous punches, kicks and ear whacks (no pun intended…) with great speed and execution. Since Shellos doesn't have any arms to protect itself, it took every hit. Hoppy knocked it out in a matter of seconds…

"Um… did you just do close combat?" I asked Hoppy. It nodded its head. "At least Sharon trained you well before giving you to me…" I returned it to its ball. I tried going over to Dawn to tell her I was sorry for Hoppy's wild battling but Pearl intervened.

"The dick wins!" Pearl announced.

"Fuck you Pearl! You're a dick!" I yelled.

"You're a dick!"

"You're a dick!"

"You're a dick!"

"You're a dick!"

"You're a dick!"

"You're a- huh?" I was distracted by somebody sneaking behind Pearl's lifeguard tower. It was that fag Jack from yesterday and he swiped all of the money Pearl and I made and the gold nuggets that Pearl offered as a prize.

"HA! I win! You're the dick!"

"Out of my way!" I roared as I ran past Pearl. Jack wasn't stealing our stuff while I'm around. And Pearl would whine like a bitch for days if he did…

"Oh shit!" Jack exclaimed before running into town with me on his tracks. "Leave me alone! I need this for the church of winged Jesus!"

"Church my ass! You're going down you little uncle fucker!"

Meanwhile…

"Oh my god! That freak Jack stole all of the prizes!" Dawn exclaimed.

"That bastard!" Pearl said.

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I'm pretty sure only a few of you will get what the title refers to in the chapter. Oh well. I would also appreciate more reviews. You inconsiderate bastards… Sniffle… I'm so lonely…


	10. Depressed Disciple

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Pearl was panicking like crazy. Cynthia was out on the beach but for some reason, Riley left right after I did. He didn't ever want to make her upset… I was chasing after Jack to back our stuff. Cynthia strolled over to Pearl.

"Where's Riley?" She asked anxiously.

"Um, I'm not sure… But don't worry! I shall entertain you all with… SONG!" Pearl exclaimed. The crowd gave a huge groan. They were bored with all of the waiting they had to do. "When a boy and a girl love each other (or they're both horny), the boy sticks his schlong in her snatch. We call this the act of mating. But there are differences human beings and animals that you should know about," Pearl said while humping the air. He cleared his throat to sing.

Sweat baby sweat baby, sex is a Texas drought  
Me and you do the kind of stuff that only Prince would sing about  
So put your hands down my pants and I'll bet you'll feel nuts  
Yes I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert and you're getting two thumbs up  
You've had enough of two-hand touch you want it rough, you're out of bounds  
I want you smothered, want you covered like my Waffle House hash browns  
Come quicker than FedEx never reach an apex just like Coca-Cola stock you are inclined  
To make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time

Do it now  
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel  
Do it again now  
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals  
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel  
Gettin' horny now- Ow!

Dawn had punched Pearl in the back of the head. It is embarrassing to be around Pearl sometimes…

Meanwhile…

"Get back here you freak!" I yelled to Jack. I've been chasing him around town for the past half hour. I skidded to a halt to catch my breath yet he was still running away like a squirrel that's high on sugar. "Damn it!" I cursed. He was going to get away with our riches and there was nothing I could do about it. Suddenly, a man in a blue tux rushed past me. I recognized him as Riley from our tournament. He tossed his pokeball as hard as he could so the pokemon would release itself in front of Jack.

"Come out Regigigas!" He cried out. Jack and I stopped to watch in awe at the released giant. Jack was so stunned that he dropped all of me and Pearl's money and gold. Regigigas curled its index finger and its thumb together and effortlessly flicked Jack away. Jack went soaring across the sky and out of sight. Regigigas then turned to me. I soiled my pants out of fear that it would flick me away too. Instead, it waved at me before Riley returned it.

"Um… thanks?" I said to Riley.

"No problem," he said cheerily.

"You're Riley aren't you? Don't you have a match with Cynthia to get to?"

"Oh yeah. I did," He remembered. "They probably disqualified me by now. Oh well," he said as happy as can be.

"Um… That's a _bad_ thing Riley. And why did you help me out?"

"I just like to chase things." His face was ever smiling. I was getting angrier. That was no reason to miss a match over. And since he didn't battle, I have to face Cynthia now.

"Do you have any head trauma, mental problems or on any narcotics?" I questioned. There was something about this guy that I didn't like. He was way too happy…

"I don't do or have any of those things but I'm pretty sure you have a mental problem," he said.

"Are you calling me retarded? I'll have you know that I'm the smartest main character RTJ has ever written about!" I hate this guy…

"No! I'm calling you depressed little buddy."

"I'm not your little buddy! And I'm NOT depressed either!"

"I think you are. I've been watching you for the past two days and-."

"Queer…"

"Let me finish please. You show signs of severe depression. That speech about Jesus yesterday-."

"What you call depression I call free radical thinking!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," he ignored what I just said. "You're always tense and you're always biting your fingernails out of anxiety." I finally noticed that while I was worrying about Cynthia, I chewed my fingernails until they were almost gone… "And you almost always end your sentences with three periods signifying that you're trailing off or speaking in a depressed form of speech."

"No I don't… God damn it!" I shouted realizing what I did.

"See. I'm right," he said poking me in the nose. I swatted his hand away.

"You're either completely right or you're the worst psychologist ever… Damn it!" I really need to stop trailing off like that… Damn it! Stop that!

"Don't worry Diamond. I can help you."

"If you're trying to convert me to Scientology, I swear to God I'm kicking your ass!"

"You also have an anger problem," he said pointing out another flaw of mine. "That settles it! I'm making you my very first disciple!" He happily exclaimed while poking me in the nose again.

"Disciple?"

"Yeah! All great trainers have disciples! Not only will I teach you to be a great trainer, I'll teach you to be cheerful and happy like me!"

"Three problems with that. First, I'm a leader not a follower. Second, I don't like pokemon. Third, and most importantly, I don't like you!" He shook his head.

"You're gonna be more work than I thought. But no worries disciple! I will save you from your depression! REGIGIGAS!"

"I'M NOT DEPRESSED! And did you say Regigigas? Oh crap!" Before I knew it, I was being carried in Regigigas' fist. Its grip was so tight that I slowly began to lose consciousness… Damn it!

Meanwhile…

Pearl finally noticed that half of the audience left because of his singing. He declared Cynthia the winner by default and closed shop for the day. He was anxiously waiting for me to come back. He had Dawn go into town to find me. She came back but only with the money and gold I dropped.

"Dawn! Did you find him?"

"Um, no. Sorry…"

"Damn it! If he doesn't come back then I have to give all of my cash to Cynthia! DIAMOND! WHERE ARE YOU!?" He shouted towards the night sky.


	11. El Pantano de la Arena Sangrienta

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

I woke up during the middle of the night. My jacket was caught on a tree branch. I was dangling at least thirty feet above what appeared to be a swamp full of wild Hippoptas and Hippowdon. I say appeared because not only was there mud and the general surroundings and features of a swamp but also the Hippo pokemon seemed have filled it with so much sand, I felt like I was in the middle of a desert. The stronger of the Hippowdons were whipping up sandstorms beneath me out of rage. They were leaping out of the sand/ swamp trying to bite me down.

I looked at my feet to see that Hoppy and Punchy were shackled to my legs with big iron braces attached to chains. They were still sound asleep. I tried to remember what I was doing before I got here. Riley had me his disciple against my will and then he kidnapped me.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" I shrieked out of anger. I hated Riley so much at that point.

"You rang?" Someone said behind me. I couldn't turn around to see his face but I recognized him as Riley. He stepped on to the branch. Our combined weights made the branch lean downward. This made me slip off of the branch. Riley caught me by the arm before I fell for more than a couple of inches. He pulled me up onto what little tree there was. The tree was so bombarded with sand that all of the moisture had been sucked out of the tree, leaving it dead and decrepit. In the center of its branches was a small pit filled only with sand. Riley and I stepped in it.

"Welcome to El Pantano de la Arena Sangrienta, the Marsh of the Bloody Sand young depressed one!" Riley greeted me happily. I was so furious that I tried to strangle him but Hoppy and Punchy woke up and started beating my legs (as is their usual fashion) so I couldn't. I tried to keep my anger down.

"Riley. I don't know what game you're playing here but I'm going to get out of here, call the police and they'll put you in jail for kidnapping me!"

"I didn't kidnap you. I merely took you on a road trip… Anyway, it isn't kidnapping if I'm bringing you back."

"Whatever. Why'd you bring me here anyway?"

"I told you before. Not only will I make you not depressed but I will also make you a great trainer. And if I'm not mistaken, you have a match with that hottie Cynthia in the morning. So if I were you, I'd get to work."

"Get to work on what?"

"Getting out of here stupid! Sheesh! And you said you were smart…" he said sarcastically.

"Listen you son of a- YAAAAAAA!" I took a step towards him but my foot sunk into the sand farther then I expected. My pokemon and I were sinking into the sandy pit. Riley helped me back up.

"I wouldn't step with my full weight if I were you. Don't forget that not only is this place a desert, it's a swamp. This isn't like a beach. The sand here is loosely packed together, kind of like mashed potatoes. The sand in this pit floats a foot above the water in it. But down there, the sand is at least fifty feet deep. If you lose your footing there you'll choke on sand before you ever hit the swamp water…" he said seriously for once. Punchy, Hoppy and I all gulped at once. Riley's lips went back into a grin.

"Why would you ever bring someone to this hell hole?"

"To train you! Bye now!" He turned to leave but I caught him by his collar.

"Not so fast! You didn't tell me what I have to do yet!"

"Oh right. I want you and your pokemon to cooperate together to get out of here. My Gallade is waiting at the end to teleport you back to your friends. And be quick about it because you only have about four hours before the final round starts." I gulped again. If I got disqualified not only will Pearl hunt me down to destroy me, he'll never stop bitching about it. Nothing is worse then Pearl's bitching…

"Fine…" I said sadly.

"That's the spirit! Now hop to it disciple!"

"I'M NOT YOUR DISCIPLE!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever. So come on. Climb down," he ordered. I ignored him and turned away. I noticed a row of vines that hung from the dead trees. They seemed to make a trail out of this place. I could probably swing myself away but Riley would never let me cheat like that…

"Hey Riley?" I asked.

"What?"

"Which is gayer? Humping another guy in the butt or taking it in the butt?" I decided to give him a riddle as a distraction.

"Hmm… That's actually a good question…" He was completely baffled. I used his confusion to get away from him. I ran at full speed off of the nearest branch and leaped towards the nearest vine.

"Tarzan ain't got nothing on me bitches!" I called out. Hoppy and Punchy didn't exactly appreciate my little stunt. Especially now that they were hanging upside down from my ankles. They started thrashing around trying to hit me. "OW! Knock it off you guys!" They distracted so I missed my chance to swing to the next sand covered vine. As the vine we were on fell backwards I noticed a Hippowdon came up behind us. It opened it's my mouth. It was waiting for the vine to swing us into its mouth.

"You lazy bastard! If you're trying to eat us then at least put some effort in it! Ember!" Punchy fired several little bullets of fire into the Hippowdon's mouth. It roared savagely. That only made it madder. It called to the other Hippowdon and Hippopotas. That was a bad idea on my part… There was no time to lose. I leaped as far as I could and grabbed on to the next vine. Our enemies all started whirling sand from the vents on their backs into the air creating one unified sandstorm around us. I tried my hardest to get to each vine but every time I got to one safely, the Hippowdon got angrier and churned up more sand. A blade of wind blown sand rammed in to my arm I accidentally slipped downward but I caught myself with the other. The arm that got hit was cascading in blood. Even an atheist like me would have to admit it. If there is a hell, I'm in it.

Meanwhile…

"… so, um… if you carry the one and subtract yesterday's expenses and the amount you will pay tomorrow, your profits will be over 10,000 but only if we have an audience of 500 and you have to promise not to sing," Dawn explained to Pearl. Pearl wanted to know how much money he would need to spend to get the final round televised. Dawn figured it all out in her head. Pearl stared at her in amazement. "Um… what?"

"You're a genius…" he marveled.

"I am?"

"Hell yeah! After all of this is over you should join me and Diamond!"

"M-me? Why?"

"Diamond and I will be dead in a week without a genius like you!"

"Speaking of Diamond, have you figured out where he is?"

"No. But he'll be back. Trust me."

"How do you know?"

"Because he knows I'll bitch at him for all eternity."


	12. Lesbian Sister to the Rescue

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

I didn't have enough strength to keep going now that my arm was bleeding. The hippo pokemon gathered in a circle around me. They were going to catch me this time for sure. Punchy was trying to keep them away with its ember attack but it was no use. We were going to die…

"I'd say this is the third worst day of my life," I said out loud to myself. The second worst day was when Pearl peed in my cereal and the absolute worst day of my life was the day I was born… Oh damn. I really am depressed…

"DARK PULSE!" I heard someone yell out from underneath me. Black energy waves spread out in every direction. Every last Hippowdon and Hippopotas fainted at once. I looked down to see Sharon standing underneath my vine while balancing a Spiritomb on her head. She took it off and looked up at me.

"HI DI-DI!" I cringed when she said that. I hate that nickname so much…

"How did you know where to find me?" I asked her while climbing back down to the ground. She held up Spiritomb to my face. It shaped its purple gas like body into a perfect circle. It then changed its color from purple to crystal though its eyes and mouth stayed. Then a picture of Pearl sleeping on the beach next to Dawn flashed onto its surface.

"Spiritomb makes an effective crystal ball," she said. "I couldn't sit back and let my baby brother get eaten," she said while pinching my cheeks.

"Knock it off!" I swatted her hands away. "Did you see Riley on the way over here?"

"Yeah. He was wondering something weird about gay people…"

"Good. My riddle is still working."

"I guess that means you're Riley's apprentice." She started tossing dusk balls at the knocked out hippo pokemon.

"Not exactly… What do you need all of those things for?"

"I'm bringing them to Master Cynthia." I was dumbstruck for a second.

"You work for _her_?" I asked out of disbelief.

"Yep. I, um… kind of got on her bad side so I'm giving her these guys as a present to make up for it."

"What did you do?"

"What?" She seemed surprised that I asked that. "Oh nothing! Nothing at all! I didn't do anything to her at all either physically or emotionally! Nope! I did nothing!" She rambled on.

"Huh? You have to have done something for her to be mad at you…"

"Well, um… I guess I…um… maybe, molested her a little bit…"

"HA! I knew you ran off to be a dike!" I always knew she was a lesbian. But at least she isn't one of the disgusting man-like lesbians…

"No! It's not like that!"

"Sure it isn't…" I said sarcastically. I'm gonna torture her with this every time we meet.

"Whatever. Before I forget, take this," she said trying to get off of our previous topic. She pulled a pokeball out of her back pocket and gave it to me.

"Oh hell no! Not this again!" I handed it back to her.

"Sorry. I meant to give you my Golem last time. Did Buneary give you any trouble?"

"Does a loss of about six gallons of blood and my entire body from the waist down being bruised count as trouble?" I lifted up my pants legs to show what Hoppy did to me. Sharon cringed at what she saw.

"Well, I promise that this one won't give you trouble. Come on. Spiritomb can send you back," she said bringing Spiritomb to my face. "Bye baby brother! I love you!" Spiritomb's eyes flashed red. I looked directly into its eyes. I blinked once. But I didn't see Spiritomb when I opened my eyes. Sharon didn't send me back to the beach. She sent me above it.

I started free falling towards the shore. I saw Dawn and Pearl groggily pacing the beach out of anxiety. If I fell on one of them then maybe I would land without to much injury. I decided to go for Dawn. Her titties would cushion my fall.

"Hey Pearl? Is that a shooting star?" Dawn asked pointing at me.

"Don't be stupid Dawn. That's obviously a giant vat of ice cream that's falling from the sky. COME HERE DELICIOUS ICE CREAM!" Pearl leaped in front of Dawn to catch the 'ice cream'. I landed on top of him instead. Pearl didn't realize it was me until it was too late.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAHH! GET OFF OF ME YOU FAG!" He shrieked while pushing me off of him.

"Wow. Your dear friend finally gets back from being almost murdered, comes falling from the sky and somehow comes out unscathed from the landing and all you have to say is 'Get off of me you fag'? I hope you get AIDS jerk…" Pearl grinned at me.

"Aww that's what you always say when you fall into me from the sky," he said giving me a friendly slap on the back.

"You mean this happened more then once?" Dawn asked me.

"There's a funny story behind that actually," I said. "You see, it started when Pearl decided to combine some bottle rockets, butter and my left shoe together…"

Three hours later…

"… then the Snorlax and I beat up Naruto and ate all of the fish sticks. The end. Do I need to repeat anything Dawn?"

"Um… no. That's okay. My head kind of hurts now…"

"I don't blame you. It's a very confusing story. Good night Dawn."

"Good night Diamond." I lied down on my usual sleeping spot on the beach. As soon as I shut my eyes, Pearl came up behind me with his megaphone.

"WAKE UP DIAMOND! IT'S TIME FOR THE FINAL ROUND!"

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! I shrieked while springing back on to my feet. "What the hell is wrong with you Pearl?"

"It's sunrise!" I looked around. The sun was just poking its head above the horizon. "While you were telling Dawn about our riveting past crossover escapades, I set up everything like usual." Pearl works extremely fast. He got even more bleachers then before and got each one full with people. He also hired cameramen to televise the event.

"But I didn't get any sleep!"

"That's your own fault dummy," he flipped the switch on his megaphone and turned to the crowd. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! THIS IS THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR! THE FINAL SHOWDOWN OF DIAMOND AND PEARL BEACH! IT'S COMING AT YOU… next chapter of course…"

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I don't know why but I don't feel like I wrote this one well compared to the other chapters. Oh well…


	13. Victory, Thy Color Is Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

"Let's meet the challengers, shall we?" Pearl asked the audience excitedly. It seems like the idea that he and I were going to be rich by tonight was making him even more hyperactive then usual. He switched to his microphone and skipped towards me. The cameramen were following his every move.

My face went blank in front of the camera. I've always been shy in front of the camera.

"Uh…um… h-h-h-h-hi? M-m-my name is D-d-d-d-d-diamond and-." I stuttered. Pearl recognized my plight and took over from there.

"In this corner, we have the tournament heretic-." Pearl introduced me.

"Not a heretic."

"Whatever, He is the tournament favorite and a dear friend of mine. HE'S DIAMOND! THE DEITY OF DEPRESSION!"

"Not depressed!"

"I don't care…" He skipped over to where Cynthia and her Garchomp were meditating.

"Get away from me sissy boy," she said calmly without opening her eyes.

"Who's sissy boy? My name's Pearl," Pearl stated. He didn't exactly get what she meant… He turned to the camera. "This is Cynthia! She's the bitch of Diamond and Pearl beach and-."

"Not a bitch," she interrupted still not breaking her position in any way.

"Of course you're not… bitch…" He said the last part in a whisper.

"I heard that."

"Sure you did," he said sarcastically. "After seeing her past performances, we all know Cynthia can take down most trainers. Will Diamond be able to see take down the blond champion of carnage? We'll find out after this commercial break! … Was that good?" He asked the TV crew.

"That was perfect Pearl." The head camera person said. Pearl ran off somewhere to rehearse for the next part of his act. Dawn got out of her seat by the bleachers and ran over to me.

"Are you nervous Diamond?"

"Let's just say that I'm glad I don't have a full bladder right now…" I stared down at my shoes out of sadness. She noticed that and tried to cheer me up.

"Don't worry about it Diamond! You can beat her! You just have to believe in yourself."

"I have two sadistic pokemon that beat me up on sight and a mystery pokemon that has a ninety percent chance of being a pokemon that will try to eat me. I'm not gonna believe in myself anytime soon…" Dawn looked just as sad as I did. She realized that there's nothing she could do to cheer me up. Actually, I can think of many things she could do but they're all things that would get us bumped up to an M rated fic instead of a T rated one if you know what I mean…

"What's the mystery pokemon like?" Dawn asked trying to change the subject.

"I'm not sure. My sister said it's a Golem when she gave it to me but I'm not so sure about this. Come on out whoever you are!" I tossed the pokeball onto the ground. Instead of a Golem, a Hippowdon came out. It stared at me with great rage.

"OH SHIT! SHE GAVE ME ONE OF THE HIPPOWDONS BY ACCIDENT! GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" I screamed as it chased after me. Even though it moves faster in the sand, I still managed to outrun it. It dug down deeper into the sand and disappeared from sight.

"Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. This isn't good. I just knew this one was gonna try and eat me. I just knew it…" I muttered to myself. I felt the ground shake from underneath me. I ran away from the spot I was in just in time. Hippowdon (whom I shall name Sandy) leaped from out of the sand to try and bite me from underneath the sand. Everyone (except Dawn) on the beach was laughing and jeering at my plight. Cynthia woke from her meditative state and stood up.

"Garchomp! Get that idiot's pokemon to calm down," she ordered. Garchomp dove under the ground as well. Only the fin on its back was visible above ground. I guess this is why they call Garchomp the land shark. It rushed like a bullet under the sand. Garchomp tackled Sandy out of the ground. Sandy landed on its back in front of me. This caused the crowd to laugh even more at us. Sandy got even angrier at its own humiliation. I pushed it on its side to get it back on its feet. Before it could try and bite me again, I sat bow legged on its snout. I looked directly in its eyes. I could see the determination in its eyes. It wanted to get back at Garchomp.

"You see those two Sandy? Those two are the enemy. If you just listen to my orders for one fight, I'll let you chew my leg off afterwards," I reasoned with him. This calmed him down a little bit. It shook its huge head no. That also flung me off of its snout. I got back up and sat in front of it this time. "How about I let you chew my arm and leg off?" It shook its head no again. "Okay. If I let you my arm and leg off I'll throw in Pearl as a bonus." It nodded its head yes this time. It looked over hungrily at Pearl.

"That's the carnivorous spirit Sandy!" I climbed back on to its snout and stood on top of its head. My combat spirit was finally born. "We can take down everybody- YAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Sandy bucked me backwards into one of the sand vents on its back. My newly born combat spirit just died. I almost forgot that I hate all of my pokemon… I tried getting out of its shell but my legs were stuck in its sand vent.

"That's enough fooling around you guys!" Pearl announced. "Time to get this show on the road! Both of the challengers are allowed to do whatever they want. So basically it's an ass whoopin' free for all! The only rule is that you can only use one pokemon each. LET THE MATCH BEGIN!"

"Um, Sandy can you get me out of here- GAAAAAHHHHH!" I said trying to get out of the sand vents. Sandy made all of the other sand vents send about a metric ton of sand at Garchomp. Cynthia got on Garchomp's back. Garchomp leaped over the sand blast. It dove down to head butt us.

"Double edge!" Cynthia ordered.

"Use your sand to fly!" I ordered. Sandy poured sand out of the vents on its sides so fast that it was actually making us fly. We soared above them making Garchomp and Cynthia crash into the ground. "Now land down with body slam!" Sandy stopped the sand flow and let gravity do the rest. Cynthia got out of the way just in time. We crashed into Garchomp with so much force that it popped me out of the sand vent like a cork off of a wine bottle. I landed right by Cynthia's feet. The two monstrous pokemon were battling fiercely. She was looking worried at the struggling pokemon. They were sinking under the sand very fast.

"Where are they going?" I asked her. Their fighting made a huge sinkhole in the beach. They eventually disappeared from sight.

"They're going way too deep… Oh no! They're going to crash into the underground!" Cynthia alerted.

"What's the underground?"

"The foundation of the entire Sinnoh region. Miners have been making caves in it for years, making it fragile. If it is hard enough, the Sinnoh above ground will detach and go floating out into the sea! Our pokemon could cause a geologic disaster!" She explained before leaping into the sink hole.

"There's no way in hell I'm going down there," I said. Pearl came up behind me and pushed me in.

"Get your ass in there! We need good footage!" I fell head first into the underground. Luckily, the sand pouring from above cushioned my landing. I found myself in a cavern. Every couple hundred feet you could see a hole in the ceiling, similar to ours. An explosion went off nearby and a small earthquake followed it. I looked towards the source of the commotion. Garchomp and Sandy were fighting without stop or order. Garchomp fired a Hyper Beam at Sandy. Sandy moved out of the way and let the rock wall behind it get hit. The wall collapsed, causing another miniature earthquake.

"Knock it off you guys!" Cynthia pleaded.

"Ice fang!" I ordered Sandy. Its front teeth turned blue and bit down on Garchomp's arm. It reeled back in pain.

"What the hell are you doing kid?"

"You seem to forget that we're still in a match."

"Don't you get it? If we keep fighting down here we could snap the continent off of its hinges!"

"Yeah but if I'm going to die I'm going to die a winner!"

"… You know what? You and I are complete opposites."

"How so?"

"Unlike you, I care about the world and the pokemon in it!"

"Well that makes you both a bitch and an idiot. Go lick my sister's ass crack you fucking dike…" Her cheeks went scarlet red after that.

"Let's get one thing straight-."

"Straighter than you…"

"Shut up! Your sister came on to _me_ and I did _not_ enjoy it!"

"Sure you didn't…" I said sarcastically. I had pushed her buttons to the limit.

"HYPER BEAM!"

"PROTECT!" A green transparent shield popped up in front of Sandy and I. The Hyper Beam bounced off with ease. It hit the ceiling wall above us. Several boulders fell in between us and them. Cynthia climbed onto Garchomp's back again. It leaped to the top of the boulder pile and then subsequently leaped out of the hole it made.

"Bye Diamond! I hope you die a horrible death!" She taunted at me from afar. I clenched my fists out of anger. There was now way that Sandy and I could escape. There wasn't enough sand in here to fly with… I looked up to see that Cynthia blocked both exits with boulders.

"Damn it…" She may think she's beaten me but I have a trick or two up my sleeve.

Meanwhile above ground…

"Um, uh… where's Diamond?" Pearl asked Cynthia. He and Dawn were getting really worried.

"While we were fighting, the ceiling of the cave we were in collapsed. The boulders crushed Diamond and Sandy to bits. I'm sorry I couldn't save him…" Cynthia lied. She just wanted Pearl to make her the winner before I escaped.

"NO! I'M ALIVE! EARTHQUAKE!" I shouted from underground. From above ground, I probably sounded like a muffled whisper.

"What was that?" Pearl asked. He almost heard me.

"Um, nothing. So just make me the winner already- GAAAAAAAAHH!" Sandy set off an earthquake underground. The shock waves demolished several walls of the cave. The foundation for the middle of the beach was completely demolished. The center of the beach was sinking into the sea. In a couple of seconds everyone in the crowd was knee deep in sea water.

"What the fuck is going on?" Pearl asked. He climbed on to the top of the lifeguard post to get above the water. While the ground above was flooding, sand and rocks were falling from the cave ceiling. Sandy stocked its vents with sand while I collected boulders. I put a boulder in each vent.

"Use your sand to shoot a rock… there!" I pointed to where I thought Cynthia and Garchomp were above ground. The rock flew out like a rocket through the cave ceiling. It hit Garchomp in the stomach and sent it flying.

"Now let's fly out of here!" I climbed into one of the sand vents. Sandy used the vents to hover out of the hole we made.

"DIAMOND!" Pearl and Dawn cried out happily when they saw me fly out of the hole. Sandy had to fly through the sea water to get out. It stopped in midair to shake the water off. Cynthia took this as an opportunity to attack us.

"Mega kick!" Garchomp recovered in the air and came back down, its foot ready to hit Sandy in the face.

"Sandy we have to move out of the way!" I told it. Sandy was paralyzed by the sea water that was still on it. Garchomp came from above and kicked Sandy in the side of its snout. The impact was so strong that Sandy flipped on to its back in mid air and started to fall. If we hit the ground then I'll be killed and no sand will cushion my fall this time… Wait. Sand! That's it!

"SAND STREAM!" I called out. Sandy shot the sand out of its back to send us flying back into the air. The sand then curled around us in all directions, making a sandstorm spiraling around us and Garchomp. The winds were so strong that Garchomp was floating along with us. Sandy was getting too tired to float while keeping the sandstorm intact.

"Bring all of the sand in to your vents!" I ordered. The sandstorm was called back into Sandy's shell. I felt the grains of sand bubbling around my legs inside the shell. "Gather all of the sand into my vent!" Sandy did as it was told. All of the sand was transferred around my legs. I hope I know what I'm doing…

"SAND BLASTER!" Sandy shot me out of its back like a rocket. I sped towards the dazed and falling Garchomp. I reared my fist back. I used the speed I was given to give Garchomp a bone crushing punch in the stomach. The impact probably broke my hand but I didn't care. Sandy flew under me to catch me. We watched as Garchomp fell helplessly into the sea, its eyes closed, and its body not moving at all. Pearl leaped from his seat out of joy.

"GARCHOMP IS KNOCKED OUT! DIAMOND IS THE WINNER!"


	14. Diamond and Pearl's Jail Time Blues

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Sandy brought me back to the ground gently. I used good hand to return it to its ball. The other one was crippled from the pin brought by that last punch. Pearl ran towards me and hugged me around the neck.

"YOU DID IT! NOT ONLY ARE WE RICH, I'M SEXIER THAN EVER! YAY!" Pearl rejoiced. I chuckled at him.

"Now who's the fag?" He finally realized what he was doing and let go of me quickly. He helped me to my feet and led me to what was left of the middle of the beach. Without its foundation, the middle slumped down into the ocean. Sea water was pouring in fast so we had to make this quick.

"Our champion is Diamond!" Pearl announced to the crowd. "…Now get the fuck out! What? You heard me! Get out! The two of us and Dawn have money to count! Get lost!" Pearl shooed them away.

"Not so fast!" Cynthia said. She moved to the front of the beach. An officer Jenny was standing next to her. "Arrest them!"

"WHAT?!" Dawn, Pearl and I shrieked in unison. Officer Jenny walked up to us and put me and Pearl in handcuffs.

"What's going on?"

"This is a mistake!"

"Cynthia's framing us!"

"I didn't kick the mayor in the nuts to steal his things, I swear!" Pearl pleaded.

"I'm taking that one as a confession," Jenny said.

"I don't think you heard me. I said I _didn't_ kick the mayor in the nuts… well maybe a little…" I side kicked him in the shin.

"Pearl just shut up and let me handle this. Now what exactly did we do?" I asked. She took out a notepad.

"Diamond is under arrest for being Pearl's accomplice and for being anti-Seraphite," she read off of the paper.

"What? I don't hate Jews!" I protested.

"I said anti- Seraphite not anti- Semitism."

"What the fuck is a Seraphite?"

"It says here that a Seraphite is someone who follows the religion of Winged Jesus."

"Are you kidding me? You're arresting me because I was mean to that freak Jack? Are you serious?"

"That's not all. You're also wanted for causing irreversible damage to the Sinnoh underground and nearly causing a geologic disaster. Now thanks to you, Sandgem is going to get flooded at high tide!" She tore my page off of her notepad and started reading Pearl's crimes.

"You're wanted for way more crimes then him kid. You're wanted for: starting a cock fight between pokemon, illegally claiming the full rights to Sandgem beach, setting up a tournament without a permit, putting rules in the tournament that are dangerous to both pokemon and people, scamming thirty thousand dollars from these good people, giving death threats to everyone who forfeited your tournament, breaking and entering places around town like the school auditorium, city hall and the mayor's house, peeing on the mayor's front lawn, kicking our mayor in the groin, stealing things from said places like a micro and mega phone, a dusk stone and the town's gold supply. You also are charged with sexual harassment from a girl whose name shall remain anonymous for safety reasons."

"Who Serena? I though I told her that it isn't sexual harassment if she said yes when I asked her, no matter how many roofies I put her on…" I stared at him disbelievingly. "What? I do A LOT while you're sleeping…"

"No I'm not surprised because of that. I'm just amazed that you got more action than me. No offense Pearl but you're… _you_."

"None taken. I'm a freakin' psychopath. But trust me; I only needed the roofies to get her to sleep with me. I don't know if you know this about me but I'm a rising, smooth operating bastion of vanilla pleasure and animal magnetism- OW!" He said before Officer Jenny knocked him out with her nightstick.

"Time to bring some grade A justice…" She said before knocking me out as well.

I woke up on the dirty floor of Sandgem's jail. It was one of those old fashion prisons that aren't separated from the police station that only house about two prisoners.

"They couldn't have bothered to put me on a bed or something?" I said standing up. I wiped off the dirt that was on me. Pearl was having a heated conversation with a brunette through the bars.

"I guess what they say is true. Blonds and brunettes really can't get along…" Pearl sighed.

"I'm not saying that we don't get along Pearl. What I'm saying is that you can't drug me, take me into a back alley and then violating my body!" I'm guessing that this was Serena.

"That's now what you said last night! You were saying things like give it to me and moaning sensually!"

"Pearl, I was moaning out of pain and throwing up!"

"BUT IN A SENSUAL WAY!" Pearl screamed. He was starting to foam at the mouth. Instead of being appalled she giggled at him.

"You're cute when you're in a frenzy like that. If you ever make bail call me okay?" Serena kissed him on the cheek before tearing out of the police station.

"That girl has no taste whatsoever…" I thought out loud.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Pearl asked.

"Hey smart ass!" Officer Jenny called to me. "You have visitors too." She opened the front door. Sharon, Dawn and (to my horror) my mother walked in one by one. My mom came up to me first.

"Um, hi mommy… OW!" She slapped my face through the bars. "What was that for?"

"Four days Diamond. FOUR DAYS! You've been gone for _four _days! All I needed you to do was to take that _thing_ (referring to Punchy) back where you found it! I thought I'd never see you again! Imagine my surprise when I see you on TV, having a _pokemon battle!_ Do you know how betrayed I felt? You said you weren't going to train pokemon and come home where you belong! Not in this filthy cell! What do you have to say for yourself?" She ranted while slapping me across the face after each sentence.

"I say that if you keep slapping me I'm beating your ass like a drum…" I said back while trying to rub the pain out of my cheeks.

"What did you just say to me?"

"Um, I said… Pie's gay and if you keep slapping me, he's gonna hump you in the bum."

"Oh. Who's Pie?"

"No one important…" Everyone in the room was trying their best to not laugh at my Mom's hearing confusion. Sharon suppressed her laughter long enough to ask a question.

"Mom. Don't you think you're going a little too hard on him?" My Mom slapped her across the face too.

"Don't you ever speak to me again young lady! You have nothing I want to hear!" She faced the two of us. "Now both of you listen to me because this is probably the last time I'll ever speak to you two-."

"Alleluia…" Pearl muttered.

"What did you just say?"

"Um… I said what's it to ya- OW! GOD DAMN IT!" Pearl shrieked as Mom slapped him across the face.

"Don't lie to me boy! I know you said alleluia! Well… anyway… As of now, you two are dead to me. You're out of the will and you're never allowed to come back home! I HAVE NO CHILDREN!" She hollered as she stormed out the door.

"Crazy bitch…" Sharon and I said at the same time while rubbing our cheeks.

"How come that trick didn't work for me Diamond?" Pearl asked rubbing his cheek as well.

"I don't know. It only works for me I guess…"

"She'll come to her senses right Diamond?" Sharon asked me.

"No. After you left she went totally mental. She meant everything she just said…"

"Oh well… By the way, I noticed I gave you the wrong pokemon again. Give the Hippowdon back and I'll give you-." She said pulling out yet another pokeball.

"No way! I refuse to take another pokemon from you! This Hippowdon is going to try and eat my limbs off (and Pearl) once I call it out. I'm not taking chances with you anymore!"

"Fine. Have it your way. Congratulations for beating my master today. I'm sorry that she got you guys into this place. She just hates to lose."

"She needs a boyfriend," Pearl suggested.

"She'll get one soon. Sharon has the Sapphic Metamorphosis after all…" I said.

"Sapphic metamorphosis? What's that?" Sharon asked.

"Well it's a well known fact that true lesbians such as yourself-."

"I'm bi."

"Lesbian, bi, whatever you are, the fact is that you like to lick carpet! Now anyway, true lesbians gain higher testosterone levels than straight women. Testosterone is what makes men, well, men. Testosterone does strange things to the female body. In a few days, you'll start to wonder why you're growing hair in odd places. Then you'll notice a significant decrease in the size of your breasts. But it doesn't stop there. In a month or so, you'll realize that its getting harder to jack off. Your vagina is starting to close in on itself. If you let it go to far, your snatch will completely close over and you'll wake up wondering why you have a penis where a vagina used to be. But that's still not the worst part…"

"W-w-w-what could be worse than that?" Sharon asked. She was getting really scared.

"You sure you want to know?"

"Yes."

"Are you really, really sure?"

"Yes!"

"Okay. But you're not gonna like it… Every full moon, all of the lesbians with ball sacks come out from their love making to stand on their roof tops. They feel the psychological need to use their new penises to jack off to the moon. Once the little white soldiers come out, the dykes turn into…" I said taking a dramatic pause.

"Turn in to what? Turn into what?" Sharon asked frantically.

"They turn into… ROSIE O'DONNELL!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Sharon ran away screaming. Pearl and I were crying from hysterical laughter.

"Is that true Diamond?" Dawn asked me.

"Why? Are you a dyke too?"

"What? NO! I'm just worried about your sister."

"Don't be so naïve Dawn. Its only true up to the shrinking breasts part…"

"That was really mean of you Diamond…"

"Geez Dawn. Lighten up a little… It was just a joke…"

"I didn't think it was funny. You probably hurt her feelings."

"Um… so?" She put her hands on her hips and looked at me sternly. I really didn't want her to be mad at me for stupid thing like this.

"Fine. I'll apologize the next time I see her." She replaced her frown with a grin. She grabbed my wrist and slipped a pokeball into my hand while Officer Jenny wasn't looking.

"I didn't want to do this but this is the only I could think of to save you guys. Once I leave, toss the ball through the bars and say explosion. I'll be waiting!" Dawn said before running outside.

"What could it hurt?" I asked Pearl. He took the ball from my hands.

"It could possibly kill us but let's try it. FIRE IN THE HOLE!"

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I forgot to put this in the last chapter. On Saturday, my family and I are going on week long cruise so don't expect anything after tomorrow (if I choose to write tomorrow) for an entire week.


	15. Side Story 1: Dreams are for the Insane

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Note from RTJ: Okay… um… yeah… Hi there people. I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm back from my cruise. The bad news is (and I know you're going to hate me for this)…um… I forgot what's supposed to happen next in the story… Usually, I rarely write chapters with planning before hand. I usually just make this shit up as I go along XD. When I finished the last chapter, ideas came to me for the next chapter for once and I know I came up with something good for the next chapter but it's been so long I can't remember most of it. I've attempted to write it from what I remember but every time it either made no sense story wise or the jokes weren't funny or clever enough. So this is what I'm doing. Until I figure out what to do next I'm writing one-shot side stories. This one is about Diamond and Pearl when they were in preschool. This isn't considered canon (which means true to the original story). So… on with the show! Err… chapters… whatever…

It was the first day of preschool and our teacher, Miss Carpetliquor was having everyone in the class go to the front to discuss our dreams and goals. She randomly picked me first. I trotted to the front.

"Okay Diamond. What do you want to do in the future?"

"Um… eat and sleep mostly. Maybe go to the bathroom here and there…" Everyone started giggling at me. Miss Carpetliquor hushed them.

"No sweetie. I mean what do you want to be when you grow up."

"Oh. An anarchist."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah. I've been watching the news lately and I've realized that the world is run by hicks, powerless figureheads, murderers, terrorists, and sons of bitches with to much sand in their vaginas. When I grow up, I'll usurp them from their pathetic positions and I'll rule the world both sensibly and justly. Anyone who tries to stop me will taste my iron fists of doominess!" Miss Carpetliquor's mouth dropped to the floor. She rolled one of her papers into a dunce cap and wrote DUMBASS in big black letters on it. She then put it on top of my head.

"What's this for? Do I pee in it?"

"What? NO! It means that you're saying no-no words and that's not acceptable. Go sit in the corner over there," she said. She grabbed me by the arm and forced me to sit in the corner.

"No-no words? What the hell is a no-no word?" I asked her.

"I won't dignify that with an answer… Okay. Pearl! You're next." She said going back to her desk. Pearl got up to the front just as I did. He was twitching out of excitement and I'm pretty sure he wet himself because of it. Pearl was missing one of his front teeth so he spit a little when he spoke.

"I WANT TO BE A SUPER HERO!" Pearl shouted joyously.

"That's nice Pearl but don't shout-."

"Shut up ho! Let me finish!"

"What did you just call me?"

"A ho. Clean your ears lady! Now where was I? Oh yeah! I'm going to be… ORGY HOMICIDE! Greatest and mostest badass superhero ever! When the bad guys are being gay and stuff I'll be like, 'HEY YOU! STOP BEING GAY RIGHT NOW!' And they'll be like 'NEVER!' And I'd be like 'AARRRRRRRRGGGHHHH!' And they'll be like 'NRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG!' And then I'd be like 'MOTHAFUCKA YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I'M ORGY HOMICIDE! I FUCK EMUS IN THE HEAD!' And they'd be like 'OH SHIT!' Then they kidnap Lois Lane and I'd be like 'OH SHIT!' Then I pull out my glock and start capping motherfuckers like 'BILILILILILILILILILILILILI- CLICK! Reload my gun and then… BILILILILIILILILILILILLILIILILILLI!' Now that the bad guys are dead Lois Lane would be like 'OMG! ORGY HOMICIDE YOU SAVED ME!' Then I drop my pants and I say 'WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? START SUCKING!' Then she'll be like 'WHAT?' And I'd be like 'GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND SUCK THESE NUTS!' And she'd be like 'OK!' Then when she's sucking she says 'MMMMMMMM… NUTTY- OW!"

Miss Carpetliquor got so fed up with Pearl that she slapped him across the face. She gave him a dumbass cap as well. She forced him into the dumbass corner too.

"What the fuck did I do? And what does dumbass mean?" Pearl asked. She shook her head and returned to the desk without answering him.

"She can't give us dunce caps, let alone dumbass caps. And she's not allowed to hit you either…" I told Pearl.

"As soon as nap time's over, I'm gonna go all Orgy Homicide on her and leave that fat ass full of bullets!" Pearl said. He was trying to be a tough guy but I could tell that he was fighting back his tears. That slap must have really hurt…

"That won't be necessary Pearl. Hey Miss Carpetliquor!" I called to her. "I'm suing you for assault and defamation of character!" Both her jaw and her panties dropped out of shock.

"Oh shit…" She groaned.

"Hey! You wear the same thong that my daddy does!" Pearl said pointing to the underwear on the floor.

The next day at court…

It was a pretty smooth operation. We had the slap mark on Pearl's cheek, the dumbass caps and a whole classroom's worth of witnesses. Since Twinleaf Town didn't have any lawyers, I was Pearl's lawyer. I was giving in my final statements.

"… and that's why Miss Carpetliquor is a mean smelly doo- doo head and she should be arrested. And if I may borrow from Johnnie Cochran's book of rhymes… If she doesn't quit, she has to give us shit!" I said before sitting back down.

"Quite right. Miss Ima Carpetliquor-." The judge started.

"You're not a very good one…" His wife piped in from behind us.

"Huh? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Oh forget it. Along with losing your license to teach, instead of paying these boys in legal fees, I want you to make their dreams come true."

"WHAT?! Your honor! You don't understand! These boys have psychotic dreams of ruling the world, murder and pre marital sex!" Our teacher pleaded.

"That's not my problem. Court dismissed!" The judge stated before banging his gavel down on his desk.

The next day…

"DIAMOND!" My mom called from downstairs. "WHY IS THERE A BOMB IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE!?" I crawled out of bed and opened the curtains.

"Oh my god…" I said to myself. A giant silver missile was parked in front of my house, blocking my view of the rest of town. "That's not a bomb that's a… NUCLEAR WAR HEAD!" I shouted. "Miss Carpetliquor must have given me this for my dream of global domination… MOM! WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TOUCH IT! THIS THING CAN BLOW UP HALF OF SINNOH!"

"You know, usually when a student prosecutes their teacher, they either get money or more sex. THEY DON'T USUALLY GET WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!"

"I know that you filthy skank…"

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!"

"I said I met a dude named Hank!"

"Oh ok!"

"ORGY HOMICIDE TO THE RESCUE!" I heard Pearl scream happily from outside. He was wearing a black cape with Orgy Homicide written in gold letters on the back. He was toting a gun in each hand. "Diamond! Look at what Miss Carpetliquor gave me! Now I can be Orgy Homicide for real now! And for my first order of business I'm gonna take out this missile!"

"PEARL! WAIT! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING! GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Pearl fired a couple of rounds at it. It blew up the world. THE END! A fitting end to such a pointless chapter…

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All I have to say is… wow… just… wow… I wrote some really freaky stuff in this one… Anyway… Bye- bye for now peoples! And don't worry. I'll have a real chapter up soon (as soon as I remember it of course).


	16. Weird Conversations Can Kill Your Mind

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

"FIRE IN THE HOLE! Wait…" Pearl stopped right before he tossed the pokeball to the ground.

"What?"

"Don't you think Orgy Homicide is a great name for a super hero?"

"PEARL!" I groaned.

"Geez! Chill out Diamond. I was just trying to have a conversation…"

"This isn't the time or the place for that! Just release the damn pokemon!" Pearl did what I told him this time. Dawn's Drifloon came out of the ball.

"Use explosion!" Pearl ordered. Drifloon shook its head no. "What? Let's get one thing straight. Even though I'm not your trainer, you have to listen to me! You know why? Because I am man! Top of the food chain! Surrender to my power- HEY! That thing just flipped me off!" I looked down at Drifloon. It was floating along as innocent as can be.

"Pearl. What did I say about making up stories?"

"I'm not making it up! That thing just gave me the finger!"

"It doesn't even have a middle finger to flip you off with! How do you explain that?"

"I don't know... But I know it did it!"

"Whatever! Who cares if it flipped you off or not! Just make it explode!"

"Fine, sure, whatever," Pearl said. He went down on all fours and pulled a rusty nail out of the floorboards. "If you won't cooperate then we'll just have to blow you up for you. Take this!" Pearl tossed the nail towards the X on Drifloon's face. Drifloon caught the nail in its hand and tossed it over its shoulder.

"Son of bitch ninja balloon…" I grunted.

"I saw that!" Officer Jenny said coming back in to the room. "Now I'm adding two years on to both of your sentences!"

"What did we do?" Pearl asked.

"Cruelty to pokemon!" She picked up Dawn's Drifloon and pushed it out the window. "I don't want to see anymore shenanigans from you two. Understood?"

"Understood…" We grumbled at the same time. We waited until she left before speaking again.

"Shenanigans? This entire story is based on our shenanigans!" Pearl said. That Drifloon was our last chance to break out. These anti-climaxes are getting annoying… Minutes turned into hours and hours turned into days very slowly for us. I'm pretty sure we spent the next four days doing nothing but stare at the window and pulling the nails out of the floorboards. There was nothing but cement under the floorboards. There was no chance of escape. At least we had some interesting conversations in that prison, like this one for example.

"Now here's what I don't get. Dragonball Z had to be one of the dumbest shows ever and yet they still are able to market off of it after being cancelled for almost twelve years in Japan. They're getting rich off of a dead show!" Pearl complained.

"DBZ is a classic just like early Disney movies and Looney Tunes. And besides, Dragonball Z introduced the Transformation Clause."

"What's that?"

"The Transformation Clause states that all transformations, no matter how stupid they are, make you more powerful. It's the basis for many anime heroes. Naruto's tail transformations, Monkey D. Luffy's Gear second and third and every shinigami in Bleach's Initial and Final releases all are transformations and each show was inspired by DBZ."

"So if I grew scissors out of my ass, it would make me more powerful?"

"I don't think it applies to real life Pearl-."

"And another thing. Naruto, Luffy and Ichigo don't have shows. They all live down the street from us, remember? Ichigo owes me eleven bucks actually-OOF!" I quickly covered Pearl's mouth with my hand. I looked around to see if _they_ were around…

"Quiet Pearl! We can't let those psychotic crossover fans know we know those guys, they'll force RTJ to put them in the story! They'll upstage us because we don't have any powers and our story will be ruined!"

"Oh right…"

And another interesting (and disturbing) one was…

"Anal sex is just wrong to do to anyone," I told Pearl.

"Well, maybe to guys and but its pretty damn good when you do it to a girl. The ass tightens around your dick and it feels like you're in heaven. Trust me, I would know…"

"Get over yourself Pearl. You've never had anal sex with anyone. And it only feels good because sex is just a sadistic game at its core. It may feel good to men because of the tightness and the fact that our prostate is also a G spot-."

"It is?"

"Don't interrupt. But girls don't have a G spot in their ass (i think) and it probably hurts them a lot."

"Then how come they're always moaning sensually in porno videos?"

"Again, sex is a sadistic game. Not only that, it spreads HIV and AIDS faster then regular sex."

"So?"

"It can give the girl cancer and herpes in her ass."

"So?"

"Damage her insides."

"So?"

"And to top it all off, she won't be able to shit right for a week."

"So?"

"…You don't have any morals at all do you?"

"Never have, never will."

That's what we basically did all day long for who knows how long. I lost count of the days a while ago… While I was holding out okay, Pearl was going more and more insane, if that's even possible… I woke up one day with Pearl licking my foot.

"What the fuck are you doing?!" I screamed while kicking Pearl in the face.

"I must extract the chemicals off of the tree of weeeeeeeeeeee to pay my respects to the bar goddesses!" Pearl said pointing to the iron bars surrounding our cell. His eyes were twitching like crazy.

"Um… Pearl, maybe you should get some rest…"

"REST?! You dare taunt me with REST?!"

"Uh, what's wrong with some rest?"

"Nothing. Get up so I can sleep." I stood up and Pearl flopped on to the bed. He fell asleep instantly. Officer Jenny came into the room. She pulled a key out of her pocket and opened the door to our cell.

"What are you doing?"

"You guys are free to go…" She grumbled miserably.

"Really? It's been 10 years already?"

"NO! It's only been three weeks. Someone bailed you guys out…" She gestured towards the front door. Riley kicked the door open and strolled in as jolly as can be.

"What's up Diamond?" He asked poking me in the nose. "I would've been here sooner but I just _had_ to figure out that riddle you gave me a couple of weeks ago.

"Riddle? What riddle?"

"You asked me which was gayer, doing another guy in the butt or taking it in the butt. I finally decided that doing another guy in the butt is gayer because you're doing it to pleasure another man. If that's not gay I don't know what is!" He said happily. My face went completely blank.

"You spent three weeks trying to solve a riddle instead of helping us?" I said politely as I could.

"Yep."

"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!" I shouted. I yelled so loud that Riley's hat flew off of his head.

"It was a _very_ challenging riddle," he said putting his hat back on his head. "Oh and before I forget, Professor Rowan wanted me to give you this." He pulled a letter out of his pocket and gave it to me. I read it out loud.

"Dear Diamond and Pearl,

My assistant Dawn has been outside that police station, desperately trying to get you out of prison. She became an easy target for a group called Team Galactic. THEY KIDNAPPED HER AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT YOU STUPID DOO- DOO HEADS! Ahem… I gave my good friend Riley enough money to get you two out of jail so you can rescue her. If you don't I will make sure you are locked up for the rest of your miserable lives. Please rescue my granddaughter.

Signed,

Professor Rowan"

"She's his granddaughter too?" I asked Riley.

"Apparently so," he answered.

"And who the hell is Team Galactic?"

"Nobody really knows for sure. Their buildings and grunts have been popping up all over Sinnoh. I plan to find out what they're up to so that's why I'm gonna come with you guys."

"Do we have any leads?"

"Only one. Officer Jenny caught them in the act but they were too fast. They were heading towards Jubilife City."

"Finally. We're getting out of this place! Pearl wake up! Time for another quest of stupidity, foul language, weird situations, epic battles and questionable hygiene…"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's finally here! … and it was kind of weird too…


	17. Marley Sucks Major Dick

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Riley forced us to come with him. We stopped to sleep in an empty field that night. At that point, I think we were halfway to Jubilife City. Riley woke me up the next morning by screaming in my ear.

"HI DISCIPLE!" Riley shouted in my ear.

"YAAAAAAAAAAA!" I shrieked getting to my feet. "Do you _have_ to be a dick first thing in the morning?" I asked rubbing my eyes. Riley just chuckled and poked me in the nose again. "AND STOP DOING THAT!"

"Sorry but poking you in the nose is so much fun! Now come on. I've got an assignment for you." I looked around the meadow for Pearl. He was nowhere to be found.

"Where's Pearl?"

"He agreed to be my second disciple so I sent him on the same assignment I'm giving you."

"What's he doing?"

"GRABBING LIFE BY ITS LITTLE WHITE BALLS!" Pearl shouted from wherever he was. I heard galloping from behind me. I turned around just as a Staravia flew out of the waist high grass. It was being pursued by Pearl. Pearl was standing on a Ponyta's back as Ponyta was chasing after Staravia. Humpy was sitting on Pearl's head, trying to shoot Staravia with its water gun attack. Pearl was also shooting at it with a crossbow.

"GET BACK HERE YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Pearl exclaimed as he shot at it one more time. "Oh hi Diamond!" Pearl greeted me quickly as Ponyta galloped him away from us.

"Where'd you get the crossbow?" I asked him.

"NOWHERE IMPORTANT!" Pearl shouted as he rode off into the distance, out of sight.

"Uh… yeah. I'm guessing that was the assignment you were talking about…" I said to Riley.

"Yep. A good friend of mine in Jubilife City is helping us take down Team Galactic. She's been spying on them and it seems they've gathered around the TV station and Poketch factory. She told me to gather up pokemon that can fly and break down walls. So I've decided to turn it into a catching exercise for my apprentices. Pearl seems to like it a lot."

"A little to much actually…" I said as Pearl rode by on his Ponyta.

"OH MY GOD! STARAVIA SHAT IN MY EYE! I'M GONNA CLIP YOUR WINGS YOU UNCLE FUCKER!" Pearl screamed in agony. He and his pokemon rode out into the meadow

"Shat? What does that mean?" Riley asked me.

"It's the past tense of shit."

"I always thought shitted was the past tense of shit. Which one is it? OH! Yay! Now I have another riddle to solve!" Riley gleefully exclaimed. He started clapping happily.

"You're a freak Riley…"

"Are you still here? What are you waiting for? Go catch a flying pokemon while I solve this mystery!" I looked around the field. I spotted a Murkrow in a tree behind Riley. It was staring hungrily at the ring on Riley's pinky. It got into position to dive for it. It leaped off of the tree and lunged for the ring. Just before it bit him, I tossed a pokeball in between its eyes. Not knowing what hit it, it was too confused to struggle out of the ball.

"GOTCHA BITCH!" Pearl and I said at the same time. Humpy finally succeeded in shooting down Staravia and Pearl captured at the same time I caught Murkrow.

"Well, it looks like we all work fast!" Riley said tossing Murkrow's ball to me. "I have the answer to the riddle!" He said while clapping happily again.

"It wasn't a riddle. It was more like a grammar malfunction…" I told him.

"Whatever. Shat is the correct past tense of shit because shit rhymes with spit and the past tense of spit is spat so therefore shit is shat," Riley rhymed.

"That makes no sense whatsoever," Pearl said climbing down from Ponyta's back. He returned Humpy to its ball but left Ponyta out. "What are you guys doing standing around? WE HAVE TO GO! NOW, NOW, NOW!" Pearl shrieked excitedly. He and Riley got on Ponyta's back. I was reluctant to get on though. "What's wrong? Why aren't you getting on?"

"Two dudes on a horse. Gay. Three dudes on a horse and then we'll be the sequel to Brokeback Mountain. I can see the title now, Threesome Trail; coming to a theater near you," I warned them. They quickly both got off of Ponyta, both not wanting to be labeled as gay. "That's what I thought." Just because I have to travel with these guys doesn't mean we're getting on the same ride.

"Um, let's just walk…" Riley suggested. Even though it was gay, I regret not riding on Ponyta. On foot, it took us six more hours then it would have on Ponyta to get to Jubilife City. Pearl and I collapsed on the ground right before the city gates. A girl in a pitch black dress was leaning against the gate, waiting for us. She was wearing a white ribbon in her hair and frown on her face.

"Disciples! I would like you to meet our spy, Marley!" Riley said. We grudgingly got off of the ground to meet her.

"I'm Diamond."

"And I'm Pearl." We both outstretched our hands but she refused to shake them. She just scowled at us.

"You really know how to pick your followers Riley," she said sarcastically. "I can tell just by looks that this one is a total idiot." She pointed to Pearl.

"WHAT?! Bitch, I'm Pearl! Son of the great Palmer and future owner of Diamond and Pearl Industries. And to top it all off, I'm-."

"Please don't say it…" I pleaded.

"ORGY HOMICIDE! I FUCK EMUS IN THE HEAD!" I _really_ wish he didn't come up with that name in jail… Marley wasn't impressed at all by Pearl's titles.

"So? Titles don't change the fact that you're an idiot. And another thing, there's no such thing as an emu pokemon, therefore it doesn't exist. So how can you fuck them in the head?"

"I-uh-emus-and-um… FUCK YOU!" Pearl stammered. He didn't have a good comeback for her. He was practically fuming with rage.

"And you," she said pointing me. "You're a loser." Instead of answering her back, I picked a twig off of the ground and handed it to her.

"What's this for?"

"It's a dildo. Go fuck yourself now."

"Only losers like you two fuck themselves. Unlike you guys, I can get dates," she said tossing the twig over her shoulder."

"Pearl's the only one here who jacks off. And I don't think getting groceries with your dad counts as a date you fucking emo." Marley was just about to say something back when Riley got in between us.

"I don't jack off you dick!" Pearl chimed in.

"You're a dick!"

"You're a dick!"

"You're a-."

"GUYS! Stop your fighting! We're all on the same side remember? Now Marley, what's happening in the city?"

"Nothing good. I'll explain once we get to the pokemon center but until then, keep close and don't speak to _anyone_! Got it?"

The three of us nodded our heads. She pulled open the gates and led us inside. We didn't keep the 'keep close' part in mind. Pearl followed Marley from 5 feet away and Riley and I were 5 feet behind him. Riley tapped me on the shoulder.

"What?"

"What did Pearl mean by 'son of the Great Palmer'?" He whispered in my ear. He kept looking at Pearl as if waiting for him to do something suspicious.

"Pearl's dad won the pokemon league like twelve years ago. He used the prize money to buy a spot of land in the Battle Zone. He built the Battle Tower there. People from all over the world come to battle there, for a fee of course. Palmer employs the strongest trainers to make sure that every challenger loses. The trainers will be so determined to win that they keep coming back to give Palmer more of their cash. Pearl plans to start a global scamming operation just like Palmer's with that Diamond and Pearl Industries nonsense… Why do you want to know?"

"No reason. No reason at all…" He said. He still wouldn't stop staring suspiciously at the back of Pearl's head. Something was up. He knows something Palmer that we don't…

"STOP!" Marley shouted. We all stopped in place.

"What's wrong?" Riley asked.

"Team Galactic is after us." We all looked back at once to see that two freaks in spacesuit-like outfits were coming at us from down the street.

"Then why the hell are we stopping!?" Pearl shouted.

"I'm hoping that they'll shoot you and Diamond in the head."

"MARLEY! This is no time for kidding around!" I said.

"Who's kidding?"


	18. Big Ass Rock

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Ponyta

Staravia

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Before the happenings of the last chapter…

"Let me get this straight. You want your _church_ to be affiliated with Team Galactic's affairs?" Cyrus, the head of Team Galactic asked. Jack and Jesus/Chatot had requested to speak to him personally. They met on the roof of the now Team Galactic controlled Poketch factory.

"That's correct," Jack answered.

"I really don't care but if we are to be partners, I might as well know why."

"My mission is nothing short of noble! I travel around Sinnoh to spread the word of Winged Jesus," Jack said pointing to the Chatot on the ground.

"Hello," Jesus said. Cyrus stared at them blankly.

"That's a Chatot," Cyrus said coldly.

"No it's not," Jack said back.

"Uh… yes it is."

"No it's not."

"If it looks, smells and flies like a Chatot, it's a Chatot."

"Well… You're a Chatot!"

"No. I'm not. I'm sorry young man but I don't have time for a little boy on narcotics and his pet. Please leave."

"No you dick smoker! We're the real deal! Jesus! Show him your power!"

"Thou shall not tempt the Lord thy God."

"JUST DO IT!"

"Alright, alright! I'll do it." Jesus closed its eyes for a second. When its eyes opened again, pitch black lightning shot from its eyes. The blast hit the building in front of them. The corner of the building's roof fell of and crumbled to the ground.

"See? We're not kidding around. We hold the greatest power in the universe and you want to create a new universe, one with no strife. It's only natural that we work together. And together, we will unite the new universe under Seraphism! Humanity will finally reign over the world with God as our heavenly master!" Jack raved. "So basically, it's all that and a bag of chips baby."

"Your pet has some nice tricks. Unnecessary tricks … Go away."

"What? You don't like chips? I can get French fries instead-."

"No. Tell me boy. What does religion mean to you?"

"Religion? I-." Cyrus glared at him, making Jack forget what he was going to say.

"Let me tell you what religion is to me. Religion is another unnecessary form of strife. People just use religion to hide from the inevitable truths. We are going to die and we don't know what happens to us. All religions are lies. I don't need any religions in my new world especially not your stupid one."

"ARE YOU INSANE!? This is Jesus! You have to help him or you'll burn in hell!"

"That last sentence just proved my point…" Cyrus said. Jesus got up and started hovering in front of Cyrus' face.

"Cyrus, you still haven't told us why religions cause strife."

"You call yourself a deity and yet you don't know? Should I remind you of what _your_ religion has done over the centuries?"

"Oh no…" Jack and Jesus groaned at the same time. They should have known that Jesus' horrible fan club would come in to question at one point…

"Let's see… the thoughtless murder of women that can read and write, nonalignment during the Holocaust, promoting the Slave Trade, sending missionaries to destroy the religion and culture of the native people of South America, Africa, India and Southeast Asia, the murder of thousands of Jews, slaughtering those that thought freely or challenged the hierarchy of the church, all 16 of the major Crusades, and… lets not forget that priests rape little altar boys daily…" Cyrus listed.

"Oh man… why the hell do they have to rape little boys?" Jack though to himself. "Why can't they just jack off like normal people do?"

"Um, can't we just let all that be water under the bridge?" Jesus asked nervously.

"No. We can't. You may forgive sins Jesus but I can't. Now both of you get out! There is no place in my world for an insane little boy and his confused pet."

"You're just like Diamond…" Jack sighed as he picked up Jesus. "You two are always remembering the bad things about Christianity and forget about its good points. One day we'll make you see the truth…" Jack muttered before going downstairs and out of sight.

"Hmm… Diamond huh? I'd like to meet this Diamond person…"

Continuing from where the last chapter left off…

Marley and Riley turned back to face the Team Galactic grunts that were coming after us. They each pulled out a pokeball.

"Okay. It's you, me, Diamond and Pearl against the two of them. Even if we have two morons like Diamond and Pearl, the odds are in our favor," Marley analyzed.

"Actually it's just the two of us," Riley pointed out. Marley looked around. We were nowhere to be found.

"Where'd they go?" Pearl and I didn't feel like fighting so we wandered off. We stopped at an Electronics Store to watch the TV in the window. The channel was stuck on MTV. We were watching the music video 'Supermassive Black Hole' (If you haven't seen it then go to youtube).

"What the hell am I looking at here? I just see emos with to much makeup and pricks in weird full-body suits. Where's the supermassive black hole?" I questioned.

"Not sure. Maybe it has a deep meaning like Feel Good Inc."

"Nope. This is just retarded."

"Yeah… OH MY GOD! I just saw Paris Hilton's vagina!"

"Where?"

"On that fat dude in the owl suit's nipples!" I looked closely at it.

"Pearl, you idiot. He has a picture of an owl on his shirt. Those are its eyes." Pearl looked at it more closely as well.

"Oh. You're right. I never realized that Paris Hilton's vagina looks like an owl's eye…

"How do you know what it looks like?"

"It's always on the news dude! And haven't you seen her sex tapes? How could you not know what her vagina looks like?" Pearl asked incredulously.

"I don't watch the news anymore and I don't like watching transvestites like Paris Hilton have sex."

"Paris isn't a transy."

"I know. I'm just saying shit."

"I feel like singing now. Don't you agree Diamond?"

"Wholeheartedly."

"Oh my god! Look over there!" Pearl shouted after the video ended. A scrawny little man in wide rimmed glasses was lying in the street. He seemed like he was waiting for a car to run him over. We sprinted towards him and pulled him out just before a car hit him.

"What the hell are you guys doing?" He asked angrily.

"What are _we_ doing? What are _you_ doing? A car could have hit you dumbass!" Pearl said.

"You'd think that he'd be more grateful…" I muttered.

"I was _supposed_ to get hit by it!" The little man shrieked.

"You're committing suicide?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"You shouldn't do that-."

"Oh yes I should. My only friend is my cat, I'm 35 and still a virgin, I still with my mother and do you know what my job is like? I count beans! Not like a bureaucrat does, I count literal beans! If anybody deserves to die it's me!"

"That's not what I meant. I meant you shouldn't do that… without our help."

"You'll help me kill myself?" He asked gleefully.

"Sure. After all, we're your friends, right? Friends do that for each other," Pearl piped in.

"But we're not friends."

"Don't interrupt Jerry."

"It's Malcolm."

"Don't care." Pearl and I cleared our throats and started singing a show tune.

Diamond: Let's find a rock  
I mean a big-ass rock  
Or maybe something like  
A cinder block is better  
I'll hoist it up  
And drop it on your face, my buddy

And just before the lights go out  
You'll see my smile and you'll know  
You've got a friend  
With a rock  
Who cares  
I mean a big-ass rock-

Pearl: Or rope  
I got some quality rope  
Made for a man who's devoid of hope  
Like you are, my buddy  
Michael-

Malcolm: Unh, that's Malcolm

Pearl: Malcolm. Right!  
And I won't leave you swinging there  
Twitching like a fish while you claw the air  
I'll grab your feet  
And pal o' mine  
I'll pull real hard  
And SNAP your spinal cord

Diamond: The world is cold when you're alone and  
They ignore you  
But don't kill yourself…

Diamond and Pearl: We'll do it for you!  
You've got a friend!

The three of us started walking towards the exit of Jubilife City. We started telling Malcolm of our past suicide attempts.

"You know, I asked a guy once if he'd mind putting me in a barrel and sending me over the falls. You know what the son of a bitch said? "Drop dead, asshole." Pearl told us.

"People are pricks. I asked this guy to take his air compressor and drill me with a six-inch nail right through the eye..." I said.

"What'd he say?"

"I'm low on nails."

"People are selfish pricks."

"Another time, now get this, I just lay down in front of a steam roller and asked the guy to just proceed, you know, business as usual, and just squash me like a bug."

"That's a good way to go, Diamond, the ol' bug squash. We could tie a plastic laundry bag over his head."

"Naw, that's such a pussy suicide."

"I stuck my finger in a socket once. It hurt real bad...but it didn't kill me…" Malcolm said.

"Malcolm stay out of this," I told him. We left to the northern exit of Jubilife City. We stopped at the lake there.

Malcolm: I've got a friend  
Like Carole King  
Or was it Carly Simon  
Used to sing?  
I always get those two confused  
But anyway -  
I turned around  
And suddenly  
I'm not alone  
It ain't just me  
I'm like a player on the team

Diamond and Pearl: Player on our team!

Malcolm: I'm part of the gang...

D and P: Part of our gang!

Malcolm: A member of the club…

D and P: Welcome to the club…

Pearl: Ooh ... let's get a club!

Diamond: I like the big-ass rock

Pearl: Naw, one good swing and  
I'll clean his clock forever

Diamond: Let gravity do the work!

Pearl: It's a man's way to die, Mikey!

Diamond: He's Malcolm!

Pearl: Whatever…

Malcolm: I GOT FRIENDS!

Diamond and Pearl: Friends who will  
Love you like a maniac  
And lead you like a lamb  
To the railroad track  
And tie you down

Malcolm: I'VE GOT FRIENDS!

Or tickle your wrist  
With a single-edge razor  
Or buy you a beer with  
A Draino chaser  
Or dump you in the  
River with a rock-

Malcolm: A big-ass rock!

"Here's a nice one over here," I said picking it up.

"Can I give you a hand with that? It looks heavy," Pearl asked.

"Sure." Pearl and I used Pearl's escape rope to tie Malcolm's feet to the rock.

"Aww… group hug!" Pearl said. Malcolm leaned in to hug us but we both kicked him in the stomach. He fell over backwards and into the lake. He sank to the very bottom of it.

"I told you the big ass rock would work," I told Pearl.

"Don't you just love having random suicidal show tune adventures?"

"No not really. This chapter was so pointless…"


	19. Saving People Isn't as Fun as You Think

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Ponyta

Staravia

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

"Set my nipples on fire and call me a Dixie Chick! Diamond! Aren't we supposed to be doing something important?" Pearl asked frantically. Dumping Malcolm in the river distracted us from our goal. We came here to save Dawn, albeit for selfish reasons…

"Crap. I forgot about that too. Let's go!" We sprinted back into town. We ran up and down the streets, blindly searching for her or Team Galactic.

"WAIT! Do we even _half_ an idea of where we're going?" Pearl asked coming to a halt. I stopped to think for a moment.

"Hmm… Riley said that they took over the TV station and Poketch factory. Dawn is in either one of those buildings."

"What about Riley and Marley?"

"Riley's a happy-go-lucky dimwit and Marley's a coldhearted bitch. I'm pretty sure we can handle this without them…" Pearl and I continued our search until we found both buildings. They were conveniently right next to each other.

"If bad guys just stopped being dicks all the time then we wouldn't be having this problem," Pearl said.

"That's like telling Michael Jackson to stop making music. It can't be done." Pearl looked at me incredulously. "What? He makes good music…"

"Diamond. He molests children."

"So? Everyone has their sick fetishes. Like you, for example. You like to tickle your own nuts whenever that over rated, over marketed Disney movie that they keep making pointless sequels and side acts for comes on. What was it called again? Oh yeah. High School Musical."

"I can't help it dude! Vanessa Ann Hudgens is so damn sexy!"

"Point taken… So which one of us goes in which building?"

"I'm taking on the Poketch factory!" Pearl declared. He tried getting in but I caught him by his collar first.

"No way. I'm going in there. I know you'll just steal Poketches so you can sell them on eBay."

"Damn! How'd you figure that out so quickly?"

"Pearl. I've known you for eleven years. Eleven long and terrible years. Every day I've spent with you has been a nightmarish eternity of pain, misery and bladder dysfunction. I think I know you well enough by now to anticipate your actions…" I retorted.

"Anticipate this, dickwad!" Pearl cried before giving me a swift kick to my nuts. I doubled over out of pain and fell to the ground.

"GAAAAHH! Pearl! What the fuck?! Why'd you do that?! I was kidding!"

"I'm Pearl bitch! I'll whoop any asses that piss me off! And right now, Team Galactic's pissing me off! Brokeback!" Pearl tossed a pokeball to the ground and released his Ponyta. I gave one last feeble cough and got back up.

"You named it Brokeback?"

"Well, that Brokeback Mountain comment you made two chapters ago got stuck in my head… Don't wait up for me," he said before entering the TV station. I listened for what was going on in there. At first there was only silence and then I started hearing shouting and small explosions.

"BROKEBACK DON'T JUST STAND THERE! BITCH, SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR!? BITCH JUST SHOOT THAT GUY IN THE FUCKING HEAD! SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD! SHOOT HIM IN THE HEAD! HOLY SHIT! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE! SHOOT ALL THESE MOTHERFUCKERS IN THE HEAD! NO NOT IN THE NUTS YOU DUMBASS! BITCH SHOOT THEM ALL IN THE FUCKING HEAD! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Pearl roared from the inside. I rushed in and kicked down the door. I frantically looked around for Pearl and Brokeback. They were the only people in the room.

"…You're high on PCP aren't you Pearl?"

"No…yes…"

"Quit screwing around! Oh! But before I go… NUT SHOT!" I gave him a much more powerful kick to the nuts than the one he gave me.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Pearl shrieked as he collapsed to the floor. Satisfied, I went outside again. I opened the door to the Poketch factory. I looked around. There was no one in this building either. "There is something is seriously something wrong here…" I crept quietly across the room to get to the stairs. I went up them just as cautiously. I stopped in the middle of the staircase when I heard voices from upstairs.

"So do you think that it could be possible, child?" One of them said.

"Um… I suppose that it could be possible Mister Cyrus. Your calculations are alright but where will you ever get that kind of power?" The other one said. This one sounded familiar…

"Let me worry about that."

"What are you planning to do Mister Cyrus?"

"Again, let me worry about that Dawn."

"DAWN!" I cried out. I knew that second voice was familiar. I sprinted up the last few steps. Dawn was sitting at a table across from a man with spiky blue hair and a weird astronaut-like suit like the grunts we saw earlier. He scowled at me when I came up.

"Hi Diamond!" Dawn greeted me cheerfully. I didn't answer back. This didn't seem much like a kidnapping. I looked at what was on the table. Complicated charts and pictures of outer space were scattered everywhere.

"Someone better tell me what the fuck is going on or I'm blowing this place sky high! I have a deranged Hippowdon and I'm not afraid to use it!"

"Hmm… so you're Diamond. Interesting… I've heard about you…" The man called Cyrus said.

"Shut up faggot! Tell me why you kidnapped Dawn or I'll blow your nuts off! Eww… that last part sounded kind of gay…" I released my Murkrow to fight him with. "Use peck- GAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" I screamed. Murkrow sat on top of my head and took a dump on it. "YOU LITTLE LAXATIVE FILLED BASTARD!" I screamed. I shooed it off of my head and wiped its _messes_ off of my hat. "Reason 17 of why I hate pokemon: they also shit on you…"

"Diamond knock it off!" Dawn told me. "At first it was a kidnapping but Cyrus just needed an expert to help him with his research. He's a really nice person. Just give me a little time to explain to him about spatial-." I interrupted her by grabbing her by her wrist and pulling her out of her seat.

"I don't care about how nice he is. We have to get you home now!" I said leading her to the stairs.

"No wait! Cyrus! I'm sorry about this!" Dawn cried out to Cyrus.

"Don't worry Dawn. I think you've told me enough…" Cyrus said. I led her outside of the building.

"Let me go!" She said pulling her arm away. "I don't need you to decide things for me Diamond!" She was scowling at me. She was mad at me for interrupting her and Cyrus.

"I know. I need _you_ to do things for _me._"

"What do you mean?"

"Pearl and I only came here to bring you back to Rowan. If we don't he'll send us back to jail. So if I were you, I'd shut up and come along." I started walking to the right but she brushed past me and walked to the left. "What are you doing? Pearl and the others are this way!"

"I've helped you guys a lot when you were running that tournament and I even tried getting you two out of jail multiple times and because of that, I got kidnapped in the first place. I wouldn't have minded if you came to rescue me if you actually wanted to but you don't care about me. You only care about not going back to jail!" Dawn ranted.

"Uh… so?" She turned on heel and ran away from me. "Oh god damn it… Dawn! Wait up!" I started sprinting after her. She must be on her period or something… The last thing I need right now is moody women. Marley fills that role already…

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry for the lack of updates. I've had a little bit of writer's block these past few weeks. Oh and Diamond's Murkrow shall forever be named Poopy for obvious reasons.


	20. We're Screwed

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

"Dawn knock it off! This is so stupid!" I complained. I managed to finally catch up with her and got her to stop running away from me. However, she was giving me the cold shoulder. I was walking beside her, trying to get her to talk to me again. "What the hell do you want from me? An apology? Money? I can give you money." I said waving a dollar bill in her face. She slapped it away.

"So now you think I'm a cheap ho?" She asked irritably.

"What? No! I didn't mean it like that!"

"Sure you didn't…" she said sarcastically. "Just leave me alone Diamond. I don't want to talk to you right now."

"Can you please explain to me what I did to piss you off? I just saved you from a group of thugs! That makes me a hero! So why are you so mad at me?" Dawn stopped in place and glared at me.

"You saved from a space researcher, his assistants and an empty building. That isn't very heroic, hero boy!" The way she said it made me feel like a pussy... She had no idea how dangerous these guys really are.

"My questionable heroics aside… what else are you mad at me for?"

"You and Pearl always treat me like a calculator or a get out jail free card. I'm always doing stuff for you guys and you guys never do anything for me in return. Not only that, you saved me but not because we're friends. You just want me back so you can stay out of jail. You're using me again!" She said. Tears were now streaming from her face. I never knew she felt this way…

"Dawn…"

"Just leave me alone. I don't want to see you or Pearl ever again!" She sprinted away from me again. She ran as far as she could, until I couldn't see her anymore. I didn't pursue her this time because I knew there was no point in trying to get her to calm down when she's this wound up. I sighed a sigh of defeat and shook my head. This was going to be much harder than I thought… I felt someone tap my shoulder. I spun around the spot to find Pearl behind me.

"Hey Diamond! Did you find Dawn?" He asked cheerfully, unaware of what just happened between Dawn and I.

"Yeah… but she ran away from me…"

"WHAT?! We need her ass to come with us!" He shouted. He then turned to me. "You did this didn't you? I told you a hundred times before. When you're trying to rape a girl you're supposed to ask her out, put a roofie in her drink and _then_ rape her in a dark alley. You're not supposed to try it when she's conscious, dumbass!"

"I WASN'T TRYING TO RAPE HER!"

"Whatever."

"Did you find anything interesting in the TV station?" I asked trying to get off the topic.

"Not really. After you left I went upstairs to look for bad dudes. All I found was this dude named Commander Saturn. He was reading the seventh Harry Potter book when I found him. He didn't seem to care I was there. I wonder how that book ends…"

"(If you like Harry Potter and don't want to spoil the end of it then don't read this next part) They all get over the fact that six or seven of their closest friends and creatures have died (including Dobby and Hedwig), they all have sex with each other at one point and give their kids weird names like Hugo, Scorpius and Victoire. The end."

"What the hell!?"

"Sorry to anyone that hasn't read it yet but it's the truth."

"I don't care if you spoiled it for me! I'm just surprised about that name! I mean come on! _HUGO!?_"

"Forget about it Pearl. Did you find anything interesting there?"

"No not really. Oh! Wait there was one thing that might qualify as interesting. Team Galactic is calling down a satellite to Earth. The impact will destroy this city," he said surprisingly nonchalantly.

"WHAT?! OH MY GOD! WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE HAVE TO STOP THEM!"

"I don't see what the big deal is. We'll just get out of here before it comes down."

"This isn't just about us stupid! What about everyone else in this damn city?"

"In case you haven't noticed, this story only focuses on us. No one would care if this city got blown up as long as we come out of it okay."

"True… But there's something called morals and virtues that come in to play in this situation."

"Hmm… never heard of them."

"Whatever. We need to find Riley and Marley right now!"

Meanwhile…

Marley and Riley had successfully beaten the first two grunts. But then they called for help and four more came to help. Then when they were beaten, eight more took their place and then sixteen took their places. It kept doubling like that until Marley and Riley had taken out every single grunt in Team Galactic's arsenal. That's why no one but high ranking officers were in the buildings when Diamond and Pearl showed up. The whole ordeal had left the two of them exhausted and Marley slightly traumatized. They decided to rest over some drinks at the local bar.

"There was just so many of those blue haired freaks. I don't think I can take down another one of them…" Marley said rocking back and forth in her chair. Riley didn't say anything and took another sip from his mug. Pearl and I were frantically searching for them. When we found them in the bar's window, we kicked the door open and rushed over to them.

"Hey! You guys aren't old enough to be in here!" The bartender told us.

"Shut up you filthy alcohol monger!" Pearl retorted.

"Guys! We have a major problem! Team Galactic is-." I was interrupted by Riley belching in my face. His eyes were bloodshot and his face was twisted into a scowl. Apparently, Riley is a happy idiot when he's normal but angry when he's drunk.

"Aww, shut up will you? I don't want to hear nuffin' about no motherfuckin' Team Plastic right now. Just let me have my beverage nigga!" Riley rambled. His head occasionally spun around when he spoke and his weren't even focusing on me. For all I knew, he was talking to the ceiling.

"Okay… Riley's too drunk to help us… What about Marley?" I asked Pearl.

"She fainted after you said Team Galactic," Pearl said. Marley had fallen off of the chair and was lying there unconscious.

"We're screwed…"


	21. Jack and Jesus join the Drunk Jamboree

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack and Jesus/ Chatot watched Cyrus from the top of a building across the street from the Team Galactic bases. Cyrus was walking down the street. He seemed to be searching for someone or something. He stopped at a street corner to release his Honchkrow.

"What's he doing Jesus?"

"I'm not sure…"

"Hey! Aren't you supposed to be God? You know everything! Now tell me what he's doing!" Jack hissed.

"Um, well… Obviously, he's um… he's getting Kung Pow Chicken." Jesus had no idea what Cyrus was up to. But the lie seemed to satisfy Jack.

"Kung Pow Chicken… Of course! I'm sorry I doubted you Lord!"

"Your sins are forgiven child."

"Oh! Look! Honchkrow's coming back!" Jack said pointing below. Honchkrow had found Dawn and led her back to Cyrus. It then roosted on Cyrus's shoulder.

"Hello Mr. Cyrus. I'm sorry that Diamond interrupted you. He was being such a dickhead… Do you still need my help?" Dawn asked. Cyrus scowled at her as he looked at her eyes.

"… Have you been crying?"

"Well… um… Yes but I'm fine now…" She said rubbing her eyes a little. Cyrus sighed.

"This is exactly why Team Galactic exists…"

"What do you mean?"

"I am trying to create a universe where there is no strife. To achieve this, all of my followers have to be cold and show no emotion. Just like me…"

"New universe? That's madness! It can't be done!" Dawn said defensively. Cyrus was starting to scare her. He never mentioned anything like this to her before. Cyrus chuckled at her.

"You know so many facts and figures Dawn yet you understand so little. I'll just have to educate you along with everyone else. Honchkrow use hypnosis." Dawn accidentally looked into Honchkrow's eyes and collapsed on the ground. Commander Saturn came out of the TV station to meet with Cyrus. He yawned and then started speaking.

"The satellite will come down in about three hours, sir. Should we pull out of here?"

"Saturn. There was a _reason_ why we took over those buildings. I plan to use them before the satellite comes down. Now come with me. We have work to do." Saturn yawned again and without another word, they filed back into the TV station with Dawn slung over Saturn's shoulder.

"Hey! I thought you said that he was getting Kung Pow Chicken!"

"Um… that girl is a Kung Pow Chicken monster?" Jesus lied again. Jack seemed to have been fooled again.

"Of course!"

"Right…"

"If they're bringing down a satellite then we should get out of here," Jack suggested.

"No. All these innocent people will die unless we save them!"

"So?"

"Are you a Christian or not? You're not going to heaven with that attitude!"

"Sorry Jesus…"

"Good. Now, I don't think we can do this on our own. I think we should ask Diamond and Pearl for help."

"WHAT?! Those guys are total dickheads!"

"Jack," Jesus said warningly.

"Sorry Lord…"

"Your sins are forgiven."

"But what do we need them for? You're Jesus! You can do anything!"

"Um… uh… Um, I need those guys to help with my plans."

"But-."

"Are you doubting the Lord thy God?"

"No Lord…"

"Good boy. I see them in that bar down there."

Meanwhile…

Riley had given the unconscious Marley in exchange for letting us have all the free beer we want. Not sure what the bartender did with her after that… Not having anything better to do, Pearl and I got as drunk as Riley. Let me just say that it's very interesting being drunk. The room spinning, saying things I didn't mean, doing things I wouldn't do anytime otherwise, vomiting every few minutes… very interesting. I seemed a lot happier while I was drunk and so was Pearl, who stammered a lot while he was drunk.

"H-Hey Di-Di-Di- You… Let's go do kar- hiccup- karaoke," Pearl rambled. I wasn't even paying attention to him. I had lifted up my shirt and was looking at my nipples. I was giggling uncontrollably.

"I have tiny nipples, hehehehehhe! My nipples are sexy. Sexy nipple man! Yay!" I said to no one in particular.

"Why are midget hookers in my wet dream?" Riley asked pointing to us.

"Haha. You're drunk dude," I said back at him.

"I-I'm not drunk. I'm sexy! I wear a blue hat!"

"Karaoke!" Pearl shouted in my ear. He dragged me away to the front of the bar where the karaoke machine was. "Put on that song ab-about that hot blond doll… what was it called… oh yeah. The Kerry doll song…"

"Barbie song numb nuts," I dazedly corrected him.

"Right, right. Put on the Barbie song numb nuts song!" Pearl told the bartender. The music started playing and we began to sing together… but not the right words… and for some reason we thought we were gay guys named Garrett and Raul… Jack and Jesus/Chatot had come in at that time.

Diamond: Barbie's such a bitch,  
she is just a witch

Pearl: I really hate her,  
why does Ken date her?

Diamond: Ken is such a man,  
I do all I can-

Pearl: Just to do him  
we just want to screw him!

(She's such a bitch I'm gonna scratch her eyes out)

Diamond: I have dreams about Ken  
Being inside my den  
and we hold, and we kiss  
like we're sweet hearts

Pearl: But that Barbie's a slut,  
with her cute little butt  
and I guess Ken Likes boobs made  
of fake parts

Diamond: And I cry,  
every day,  
Cause' straight up that bitch is in my way!  
Oooh Oooh Oooh!

"Um… are you gays- I mean guys alright?" Jack asked us.

"H-H-Hey! It's those g-guys! It's Jane and Satan!"

"Yeah… they suck… hehehe… I'm sexy…" I rambled.

"No- hiccup! I'm sexy!"

"No! _You're_ sexy!"

"No! _You're_ sexy!"

"No! You- no wait. You're right, I'm sexy… hehehehe!" Then Pearl and I suddenly collapsed on the floor, mostly from alcohol poisoning…

"Are you still sure about this plan?" Jack asked Jesus while tapping Pearl on the head with his foot.

"Hell no…"


	22. Back and Shittier Than Ever

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

"A'llo duckies! I, Paula Abdul, present to you the terrorist pizza restaurant. We have the best Al Qaeda style pizza that no one's ever tasted. You know why they've never been tasted? Because each one of our delivery boys has a bomb strapped to their chest that goes off if they don't reach you in thirty minutes or less! This pizza is certified Osama Bin Laden approved and that's no lie. So if you don't want your house blown up by an incoming plane, order our pizza today!" Pearl raved.

Jack and Jesus rounded up Pearl, Riley, me and Marley (she was hard to get because the bartender was using her as his personal sex slave… needless to say Jack's gonna be traumatized for life…). Jack tied a rope around all four of us and was trying his best to drag us even a couple of inches. None of us were planning on helping him either. Pearl and I rambled on, happy as can be, unaware of the impending doom. Riley and Marley had both fallen asleep, their heads going from their chests to each other's shoulders in between Jack's tugs on the ropes.

"God fucking damn it!" Jack shouted throwing down the rope.

"Jack! You just broke a commandment!" Jesus complained.

"Screw the freaking' ten commandments!" Jack shouted. Jesus gasped in horror. "I say we go back to plan A and get the fuck out of here!"

"What did I tell you before child? All life should be respected and given a chance! We _must_ save this town!"

"Why did that sound like an anti-abortion sentiment…? Never mind… What did these people ever do for me or you?"

"That's selfish pride boy! What part of _'We must save this town!' _don't you understand?"

"The 'must' part!" Jack said. He stomped his foot down, crossed his arms and turned away from Jesus. Jesus struggled for a thing to say that would make him stay.

"D-F-GH- BLASPHEMER! HERETIC! IF YOU DON'T DO AS I SAY I'LL EXCOMMUNICATE YOU! Y-YOU'LL DIE AND GO TO HELL AND GET ASS POUNDED BY EVIL MONSTERS MADE OUT OF GLASS AND POOP! THE RAPING WILL BE SHARP, BURNING AND SMELLY ALL AT THE SAME TIME! I CONDEMN YOU TO UNPLEASANTNESS FOR ALL ETERNITY!" The little Jesus/Chatot raved. Jack looked absolutely aghast. He bent down on his hands and knees in front of Jesus.

"NO! PLEASE, I'LL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT OF ME MY LORD! PLEASE FORGIVE MY SINS!"

"Wow… this kid is a fucking idiot…" Jesus thought. "Uh… your sins are forgiven child. Now do as I say or I'll get the glass rapists… or something…"

"Your will be done Lord! Uh… but can you like, use your powers to make them lighter or something?" Jack asked hopefully. He gave another tug on the rope but we still didn't move.

"We all must take up our crosses Jack," Jesus said. Jack sighed. As Jack struggled to drag us up the street, Pearl and I had fallen into a deep drunken slumber like Riley and Marley.

After an hour about an hour or so, Jack had dragged us all the way up to the Team Galactic controlled TV station. Jack collapsed onto his back out of exhaustion.

"There's no time for that boy!" Jesus shouted while pecking Jack in the ear. "Look at the sky boy! There's not much time!" Jack opened his eyes. The sky had turned orange from the setting sun. But clearly over the skyline he could see a massive red object soaring towards them. Occasionally he could see a silver glint of burning, twisting metal go across the red mass. The satellite was coming down and it was coming down hot.

"I can't move Jesus," Jack said weakly. He had used every last ounce of strength he had to drag the four of us here. "I have failed you…"

Jesus turned away from Jack and cut our ropes with his beak.

"YOU SONS OF BITCHES! WAKE THE FUCK UP! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?" Jesus shouted.

"Please be quiet bird. My associates and I are working over here," a cold voice said from above. Jack and Jesus both looked up and saw Cyrus looking down at them, his face expressionless. To Cyrus' right, Dawn was being held by two members of Team Galactic. Both of her hands were tied behind her back.

"It's the Kung Pow Chicken monster…" Jack said sheepishly.

"Diamond! Pearl! Help me!" Dawn cried out as she struggled to get away from her captors.

"Dawn…?" I muttered when I heard her voice. I slowly got up from the ground.

"She's waking them up. Take her away," Cyrus ordered the two restraining Dawn.

"Diamond! If you can hear me, I'm sorry! I'm sorry for what I said befo- AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" She shrieked as they dragged her out of sight. I fully came back to my senses and stood up.

"DAWN!" I shouted back. She didn't answer back… Cyrus stared at me from above. He looked slightly more interested now that I was awake. I glared back at him before giving Pearl a swift kick in the nuts.

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!?" Pearl shrieked.

"It's about time you woke up! Now help me wake up those two!" I ordered while pointing to Riley and Marley. We each kicked them in the stomach (Marley punched us each in the face for that).

"That was some party last night…" Riley said getting up. He had the usual grin on his face and Marley was scowling as always.

"Actually, that party of yours ended about an hour ago," Jesus said. He roosted onto my shoulder. "Let's see, judging by the height and distance of that monstrosity…" he said pointing towards the satellite with his wing. "I'd say we only have an hour left to save this city."

"Then what are we standing around here for?" Pearl complained. He started walking towards the front door of the TV station. "Let's go commit acts of unadulterated Pokemon violence against these punk ass, no good ass, pussy ass, nigger ass, fat ass sons of bitch- AAAHHH!"

Cyrus had released three Bronzongs from their pokeballs. One of them fired a psybeam down at Pearl. He stepped backwards just in time and fell back onto his ass. The blast left a small crater in the sidewalk.

"You didn't think that I'd let you just walk in here, did you? Bronzongs," He said turning to his Pokemon. They each put a hand to their uh… whatever that thing is on the top of their heads… in salute. "Reflect." The first one soared to a corner of the building and casted reflect all over the building. The attack created a transparent dome over the entire building. "Light screen." The second Bronzong sent up another barrier to join the first one. "Safeguard." The final Bronzong set up a ghostly blue barrier over the entire building.

"Shit…" I said to myself. "What are we gonna do now?" None of us said anything. We all stared up at the citadel before us. It seemed impregnable…

"I got it!" Riley exclaimed happily. He pulled a pokeball out of his pocket. He lifted the cover off of the nearest manhole and tossed the pokeball down into the sewers. "Follow me disciples!" He said before leaping headfirst down the manhole. Everyone excluding Jack (who had fallen unconscious) looked down the manhole skeptically.

"Is there a way we can do this without swimming in feces?" Marley asked.

"Is there a way to do _anything_ without swimming in feces?" Riley asked back from down below. His entire body was obscured by the dark.

"Uh… actually there is Riley…" Pearl grew impatient with this and nudged Marley down in to the sewer with his foot. Pearl then dived in headfirst just like Riley.

"Why does shit like this always happen to me…? No pun intended…" I asked myself as I climbed down into the sewer.


	23. Chodes, Muffins and Passwords

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

"Hey Diamond, do you know what this place reminds me of?" Pearl asked. He, Marley and I were climbing down the ladder into the sewers. Jesus left Jack back up top to rest so for now he was staying on my shoulder. Riley was standing at the bottom of the ladder, waiting for us to come down so he can tell us the plan.

"I swear to god if this is a sex joke I'm kicking your ass," I answered back.

"It's not! This place reminds me of that cave we found back when we were kids. You know, the one where you got scared and started crying," he said mockingly.

"… Shut up Pearl…" I said. I couldn't see him but I could hear him snickering below me. "You shouldn't even be talking; you're the one who pissed in your bed until you were thirteen." He stopped moving down the ladder, stopping me and Marley in the process.

"Fuck you Diamond…" He said, clearly annoyed. "I'll kick your ass so hard your proctologist will feel it!"

"Screw you Pearl! I'll kick your ass so hard your Grandma will have an explosive orgasm!"

"I'll kick your ass so hard that you'll turn gay!"

"I'll kick your ass so hard your mom will grow a penis out of her forehead!

"I'll kick _both_ of your asses so hard that your eyeballs implode, your teeth liquefy and your organs will be used as instruments for a traveling band of gypsies if you don't SHUT UP AND MOVE!" Marley shouted.

"Screw you Marley! This is between me and him! Now where was I…? Oh yeah! I'll kick your ass so hard your dick will- YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Pearl gave a yelp of pain as he fell off the ladder. A loud splashing noise rang through the air. "Ahh… nasty…"

"Uh… What just happened?" I asked.

"Marley kicked me in the face and knocked me off!" Pearly said angrily from down below.

"I told you idiots to knock it off…" Marley said. "Speaking of which…" She grabbed my ankle and pulled me off of the ladder. She sent me flailing down into the infested waters down below.

"Ugh… sick… You're such a bitch Marley…" I said climbing out of the water.

"I know. But that's what makes me so adorable." She got down from the ladder and brushed past us to where Riley was standing. Riley was standing next to his Rhyperior. Pearl and I reluctantly followed her.

"Okay disciples plus one lady, here's the plan. We're gonna tunnel through these walls to get under the Team Galactic headquarters!" Riley said clapping his hands happily.

"Uh… that's it?" I asked. "We're just gonna tunnel under?"

"Yeah. What, do you have something better?"

"No. But come on, don't you think that's kind of… simple?"

"Simplicity is life's ice cream my friend. It makes everything better!" Riley smiled toothily and poked me in the nose. I swatted his hand away.

"Stop that! I'm just saying you're not leaving any room for error here! And besides it's complexity that makes life interesting…"

"Oh yeah? Well muffins are both simple _and_ interesting. What do you say about that?"

"Huh? Muffins aren't interesting!"

"What do you have against muffins Diamond?" Marley asked.

"Yeah! What did the muffins ever do to you Diamond?" Pearl chimed in.

"You _are_ being quite harsh on the muffins Diamond," Jesus said. I was completely bewildered by all this.

"First off, get off my shoulder!" I told Jesus as I shooed him off. "Second, don't we have less than an hour to save the city? WHY ARE WE STANDING HERE TALKING ABOUT MUFFINS!?" Riley rolled his eyes at me but still grinned at me.

"Diamond, we could stand here all day talking about muffins but in case you haven't noticed, we have less than an hour to save the city. So can you please stop talking about muffins at a time like this?" He asked quaintly.

"What?"

"Yeah Diamond, we really need to go so stop talking about muffins already!" Pearl agreed.

"But-."

"My god… you're such an idiot, talking about muffins at such a crucial time…" Marley sighed.

"But I-."

"Really now? Muffins? Doesn't seem like the time or place does it boy?" Jesus said before roosting on Riley's shoulder.

"Wait a second here-."

"HORN DRILL!" Riley shouted over me. Rhyperior's horns started rotating. It lowered its head and rammed it into the wall. Pieces of the wall flew behind it as it plowed even deeper into the wall. Riley and the others had to sprint after it as it rampaged under the concrete. I was left standing there, completely enraged and confused.

"Wait! You-I-What- YOU ASSHOLES WERE THE ONES TALKING ABOUT MUFFINS! YOU'RE THE ONES WASTING OUR TIME! YOU- ah screw it…" I chased after them, dodging the rubble Rhyperior sent behind it at the same time. When I finally caught up to them, Riley was telling Rhyperior to drill upwards.

"We should be almost underneath their headquarters now… drill upwards Rhyperior. The rest of you," he said turning back to us. "Get out your flying Pokemon. Rhyperior's tunnel's about to get steep."

I released Poopy, who found it necessary to take a dump on my foot. Pearl took out his Staravia and Marley released her Crobat. Riley sat on Rhyperior's shoulder as it started drilling upwards. Poopy's claws dug into the back of my shirt. In a flurry of black feathers, it pulled me up the rising chasm. Crobat and Staravia (which Pearl has named Orgy for some unknown reason…) did the same.

"Down in the sewers and through the cement, to Team Galactic we go! We'll kick some ass and rape some too, act really rude and eat their food! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO… Down in the sewers and through the cement to Team Galactic we-." Pearl sang as the four of us flew through the tunnel.

"PEARL! Shut up already!" I shouted at him.

"Fuck you Diamond!"

"Go suck a chode…"

"What's a chode?"

"Oh my god… You call yourself a human being and you don't know what a chode is?" Marley asked.

"Yeah you should just go kill yourself Pearl. _Everyone_ knows what a freakin' chode is!" I said.

"Would you two please stop making fun of me and tell me what a fucking chode is!?" Pearl fumed. He doesn't like being the butt of the joke.

"We could…" Marley started.

"But we won't," I finished. Marley gave me a high five as she and I flew farther ahead of Pearl. Maybe she isn't that bad…

"Screw you guys!" Pearl retorted furiously. He had Orgy fly even farther ahead of us so he they were hovering near Riley and Rhyperior.

"I was just going on with the joke. What exactly _is _a chode?" Marley asked me.

"Most people say it's a cock that's wider than it is long."

"Eww…"

"We're here!" Riley chimed in. A light was shining from up above us. Rhyperior and Riley climbed through the hole they made first, followed by Pearl, then Marley, then me. We had arrived in the room where Pearl was high on PCP while I was saving Dawn (sort of). This time there was actually people in it though. Two women were seated at a desk in front of us. The older looking one had purple hair tied up in a bun behind her head. The other one looked about our age and had red hair. She looked rather bored until we all burrowed into the room. She was smiling similar to the way Riley does (so happy it would make you vomit) at Pearl. She gave him a little wave and nervously waved back.

"Look what we have here Mars," the other one said. "A couple of little heroes…" she said venomously.

"A couple of cute little heroes too Jupiter…" Mars added, still staring at Pearl. Pearl grabbed his crotch and looked around nervously. What the hell is wrong with him?

"I suppose you guys want to stop that satellite from crushing the city or something like that?" Jupiter said.

"Yes. Do you mind if we have stop your evil plans and save the town?" Riley asked, still grinning. Mars and Jupiter looked at each other. They both busted out laughing.

"Do we _mind_? What a stupid question to ask. Of course we mind!" Mars said as she and Jupiter giggled at Riley.

"Tell you what _heroes_. Since you don't stand a chance anyway, we'll _help_ you a little," Jupiter said mockingly. "Upstairs where Commander Saturn is, there's a machine that can stop that satellite. But in order to stop it you need to give it three different passwords."

"How do we get the passwords?" I asked.

"If you beat all three of us- that is, Jupiter, Saturn and I- we'll each give you one of the passwords," Mars explained.

"Uh… group huddle," Riley said. All four of us plus Jesus turned away from them and huddled together. "What do you think guys? Should we go along with this?"

"It seems like a trap to me," Marley said. "They're just want to waste our time…"

"I know," I said. "But we don't have much choice in the matter right now… We can't let them kill all those people… What do you think Pearl?"

"My dick's feeling a little sick…" Pearl muttered quietly to himself. He was staring down at his crotch again.

"What?" Marley asked.

"Nothing. Nothing…" He looked over his shoulder at Mars again. "Um… I say we fight…"

"Fine then. Pearl and Marley, you stay down here and deal with those two. Diamond and Jesus, you're with me. Let's go!" Riley ordered. He and I raced past Mars and Jupiter and up the stairs. Mars giggled as we went by and then looked at Pearl again.

She smiled mischievously and said, "This is going to be fun…"

Riley and I reached the second floor. Weird machinery and computers were stacked all around the circular room. A blue haired man was coming down from the stairs leading to the roof. He was too distracted by the book he was reading (How to Lick Carpet: A Perverted Guide to the Intricacies of Third Base for the Man That Rarely Scores) to care about us.

"Are you Commander Saturn?" I asked. He looked up from the top of his book and stared at me blankly.

"Yeah. I am," he said. He sighed and put his book down on a nearby table. "I suppose you're here for the password then."

"You bet your ass we are!" I retorted. I was about to release Punchy but Riley grabbed my wrist.

"No. Let me handle him. You go take on Cyrus," Riley said. I looked at him confusedly.

"But you're much better than me at battling. You should take on Cyrus, not me." He gave me an irritated look.

"Diamond, what's the name of the story?"

"Diamond Fists."

"Precisely. Now who's the main character of _Diamond_ Fists?"

"Me."

"And when there's a conflict in any story, who's the one that has the dramatic final battle against the main bad guy?"

"The main character. Oh I get it now. Plot device…"

"Right. I know you can do it disciple. Now go have sex with Cyrus on the back of a Wailord!" He exclaimed happily.

"WHAT!?"

"Wait, no sorry. What I meant to say was, go kick his ass!"

"Freak…" I murmured before going past Saturn and up the stairs.


	24. Cyrus sucks Major Dick, not Marley

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

I ran up the stairs as fast as I could. I hastily kicked open the door to the roof and looked around. No sign of Cyrus or Dawn just yet… I glanced up at the sky. The Bronzongs from before were still up there, holding up the barriers Cyrus put over the building. The satellite, which looked more like a meteor than a satellite now, loomed over the outskirts of town. There wasn't much time left…

"Punchy! Poopy!" I said. I tossed both of their pokeballs down. Punchy greeted me by punching me in the knee and Poopy took a fresh new dump on my foot. "God damn it… Once this is over I'm taking you to Nurse Joy to check out what's wrong with your bladder," I told Poopy. I bent down until I was at Punchy's eye level. "As for you, I'm gonna eat you after this…" Punchy smiled and bopped me in the nose. I hate them both so much…

"Be on the lookout you guys…" I said as we started searching the perimeter of the roof. When we reached the back, we found Dawn huddled on the floor, unconscious.

"Dawn!" I got down onto my knees and tried shaking her awake. No response. "Come on Dawn. Open your eyes!" I shook her harder this time but still nothing.

"She will not wake up. Not as long as Honchkrow is here," A cold voice said behind me. I spun around on the spot and got back up. Cyrus was suspended in the air by his Honchkrow. Poopy shuddered at the sight of Honchkrow.

"What did you do to her?" I spat back furiously.

"Just a strong dose of Honchkrow's hypnosis attack…"

"Ember!" I ordered. Punchy shot three fireballs from its mouth at Honchkrow. Cyrus did nothing to stop the incoming attack. The flames simply… died out right before they hit him. "What the hell?"

"Your attacks won't work on me Diamond. Drop me Honchkrow." Honchkrow released its grasp on Cyrus and let him fall. He landed perfectly in front of me. I stepped back a couple of paces.

"S-Stay back!" I said. He sighed and shook his head.

"There's no reason for us all to fight Diamond. That includes Dawn," he said taking a glance at her.

"Why's that?"

"Because… the both of you remind me so much of myself…" He looked at me then at Dawn again. "Under her diffident exterior, Dawn has a brilliant mind akin to my own." He turned back to me. "And you… from what Dawn tells me, you understand things on a higher level than most people realize. A philosophical prodigy… like me…"

"Don't flatter yourself. She and I are nothing like you! ... Uh… does she talk about me a lot?" His icy blue eyes rested on mine for a moment and then he turned away from me.

"Mostly trivial things like her belief that you're her first real friend and not important things like that. As I said before, I have no intention to fight. I'll leave you to believe as you wish…" Honchkrow descended back down onto his back and lifted him into the air again.

"You're not leaving until Dawn's awake again!" I ran up to him and grabbed his ankle before he was out of reach.

"Fine. You can have her back. After all, she'll find her way back to me soon enough…" Honchkrow's eyes flashed purple for a second. Immediately, Dawn awoke. She slowly sat up and looked over to us.

"Diamond? What's going on?" I let go of Cyrus and went back to her side. Cyrus and Honchkrow floated through the transparent barriers and away from the building.

"Oh, one last thing," he said. "_I_ may not be staying fight but that doesn't mean my associates will let you off so easy…" He flew out of sight this time.

"What's he mean by that…?" I asked myself. I heard a sniffle from behind me. She was crying into her lap. "What's wrong?"

"This is all my fault!" She exclaimed, producing another stream of tears. "Everyone's gonna die because of me!"

"Dawn, it can't be your fault. It's not like _you_ brought the satellite down."

"But I _did!_ Cyrus had me show him how to collide an asteroid into the satellite the TV station uses!" She buried her face in her hands and sobbed even harder. I froze on the spot. I looked up at the sky again. The mass of metal and rock would be here in about half an hour… A chill ran up my spine.

"You mean to tell me… that instead of a satellite… there's an unstoppable asteroid coming to kill us all!?"

"YES!" My insides clenched painfully. The Team Galactic commanders lied to us… The others are just wasting their time trying to get passwords that won't stop anything… With the Bronzongs' barriers, none of us will get hurt but everyone else in the city will…

"WE HAVE TO GET TO THE OTHERS!" I roared. I tried to open the door I came through but it wouldn't budge at all. "FUCKING CUNT PUSSY DOOR! OPEN THE FUCK UP!" I shrieked at the door. "PUNCHY! BURN IT DOWN!" Before Punchy could open its mouth to use ember, the door suddenly jammed open and smacked Punchy across the floor.

A short, balding man stood in the doorway. He had thick black glasses over his blank and emotionless eyes. He was soaked from head to foot in water. He dropped a pokeball to the ground which released a Purugly. I thought that I've seen him before… I gasped when I realized who it was.

"No… Pearl and I killed you…" I said taking a step backwards.

"W-Who is he Diamond?" Dawn asked. She got up and cowered behind me. She held onto my elbow tightly.

"Malcolm…" See there really _was_ a point to Chapter 18 after all. The mood feels kind of tense doesn't it? Let's relieve the tension by going back to Marley and Pearl (who's having some problems controlling a certain boner)… Next chapter! If you like the story then tell me what you think. I practically _THRIVE_ on reviews people! Like it says in the summary, RoR or suffer painful ass beatings! Or I could stop writing… I'm sure none of you want that… lol Fucking cunt pussy door…


	25. Side Story 2: The Christmas Special

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

'Twas the night before Christmas, When all through Diamond's house

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

The assholes broke in, taking great care

Hoping their favorite emo would be there…

"MERRY CHRISTMAS DIAMOND!" Several people shouted at once. I fell out of my bed out of shock. The sheets fell over my head, obscuring my view of them. I felt a hand come over to my head. It swiftly tossed the sheets off of me.

All of my friends/enemies were there. Riley was the one who took the blanket off my head. He was wearing an elf's hat and an even bigger smile than usual. He held out a hand and helped me to my feet. I scanned around the room. There was Riley, Marley, Jesus, Jack, Cynthia, Sharon, Malcolm and for some reason, Commanders Saturn, Jupiter, Mars and Cyrus. The only people missing were Dawn and Pearl. I looked at everyone one of them suspiciously.

"Merry Christmas disciple!" Riley said joyously.

"Uh… did you guys break into my house?"

"Yes we did. Most people would wait until morning to come in regularly. But we like you so much Diamond, we came at 5 in the morning, broke down your door, bound and gagged your mother and tossed her in the closet just to bring you presents!" Everyone in the room pulled out a wrapped Christmas present from behind their backs. Riley was so overexcited that he hugged me around the neck.

"AHHH! GET OFF ME YOU FAG!" I shrieked pushing him off. This didn't lower Riley's mood one bit. He shoved his present into my hands.

"Open mine first!"

"Okay…" I muttered, slightly annoyed. I ripped off the paper and took off the top of the small box. Inside, there was a watch made of solid gold. Tiny diamonds were encrusted next to each number. "Holy crap!" I said out of amazement. This Christmas suddenly didn't seem so bad to me anymore. I slipped it on my wrist and goggled at it. "Wow Riley… how could you afford something like this?"

"Oh. I didn't spend any money on it." My brow furrowed. I suddenly like this again…

"Then how'd you get it?"

"Well, I was walking past a cemetery when I suddenly remembered that I forgot to get you something. I started to panic but then I saw a funeral in progress. The dead guy had that watch on his wrist and said to myself 'Wow! That watch is really nice!" So when the mourners left I dug up his grave and politely asked the guy for the watch. He was being really rude and didn't even say anything! So I told him that I hope he went to hell and slipped it off his wrist. And now it's yours! YAYNESS!" He clapped joyously. He didn't seem to notice the disgusted look on my face.

"Uh… thanks Riley…"

"Your welcome disciple," he said poking me in the nose. "I'm gonna help Pearl downstairs now." The others moved out of his way as he made for the door.

"Wait! What's Pearl doing downstairs?" He snickered and grinned at me.

"You'll see…" He said and went downstairs. I opened the window and tossed the watch out of it.

"Fucking maniac…"

Marley sighed and came towards me. She was wearing fake reindeer antlers and red nose. She was also wearing the sourest expression I've ever seen. Her present was a giant slab of meat with a ribbon on it.

"What the hell is this Rudolph?" I asked. She glared venomously at me.

"Shut up asshole. Riley forced me to wear this crap…" She turned on her heel and stomped angrily out of the room.

"Hold on! You didn't tell me what kind of meat is this! What is it? Tauros meat?"

"No but it's from a Pokemon that eats Tauros…" Marley said before slamming the door behind her. The rest of the gifts were just as awful. Each person gave me their gift one at a time and then left. Jack and Jesus gave me a heavy stone cross with the phrase 'We must all bear our own crosses' engraved into it. Cynthia gave me freakin' dog biscuit… Sharon gave me a book about tolerance to gay people. Each member of Team Galactic first punched me in the stomach and then gave me their present. Every one of them gave me a used condom…"

"Why did you assholes even come here?" I asked tossing the condoms out the window.

"We have absolutely no idea…" Cyrus said before closing the door behind them.

"Ugh…" I grunted. I flopped down on my bed. I really wanted to go back to bed but I had to make sure Pearl didn't do anything stupid to my house… I guess it could wait…

"DIAMOND!" Pearl shouted. He kicked the door open again. He and Dawn filed in and sat down next to me on the bed. "Merry Christmas!" They both said. I yawned.

"Merry Christmas…"

"Come on, have more enthusiasm than that! We worked hard on making these presents for you dude!" Pearl complained. He pulled a black cape from out of the box he was holding and handed it to me. I turned it around. In big gold letters, the words 'Soaked Scrotum' were emblazoned.

"What the hell is this?"

"You're 'Soaked Scrotum'. You know, the second half of our superhero team! We're now the crime fighting duo of Orgy Homicide and his faithful sidekick, Soaked Scrotum!" He said excitedly. I glared at him.

"… I hate you Pearl…"

"That's the spirit!" He patted me on the back and raced back downstairs. Idiot…

"Um… D-Diamond?" Dawn stammered. She was blushing when she gave me my present. "I really hope you like it. I spent a lot of time knitting it for you." I opened the box. I lifted the pure white sweater out of it. I shoved it over my head and over the shirt I was already wearing. It was the single most itchy thing I've ever worn. As soon as it made contact with my skin, I started scratching myself manically.

"Do you like it?" Dawn asked hopefully.

"It's, uh… itchy… what's this thing made out of?" I asked scratching all the while.

"Just some threads that Pearl gave me…" She looked disheartened all of a sudden.

"Even though its itchy as hell… I have to admit, it's the only good present I've gotten today… Thanks Dawn." She blushed again and smiled at me.

"Your welcome."

"So what's Pearl been doing downstairs?"

"He set up a huge Christmas party. Come on follow me!" She grabbed my wrist and led me downstairs. I used my other hand to scratch at the sweater some more. My jaw dropped when I saw what Pearl had done. He moved all of the furniture against the walls. He painted the walls red and green and hung lace from the ceiling. He gathered live Pichus, put them in jars and hung them from the chandelier. Two tables were placed in the middle of the room. Only a huge vat of eggnog was placed in the middle of the tables.

It would have almost looked nice if it wasn't for the giant rusty menorah on the opposite wall. It took up almost the entire wall. Each branch's candle holder was big enough for a person to sit in. In fact, people _were_ sitting in them. Jack, Marley, Sharon, Cynthia, Jesus, and Pearl each sat on top of one of the branches. Dawn climbed on to the menorah and took her spot on the seventh and final branch. Riley stood in front of the menorah. He was holding a conductor's baton. A music stand filled with sheet music. The four commanders were sitting at the base of the menorah.

"What the hell did you guys do to my house?" I asked out of amazement as I surveyed my surroundings.

"Not us Diamond. Pearl did all this," Riley explained.

"I'm almost afraid to ask but why did you get a giant menorah Pearl? You do know I'm not Jewish right?"

"I was too lazy to go chop down a tree so I stole this from the temple down the street."

"Uh… don't they need it for Hanukkah?"

"Well… kind of… but I persuaded with a little song I wrote," he said mischievously. Jack, Jesus, Cyrus, Saturn and Pearl all cleared their throats at the same time.

DING DONG

DING DONG

DING DONG

DING DONG

Sharon, Cynthia, Mars, Jupiter and Dawn all began to sing. Riley pulled a sheet of music out and started conducting.

(Note from RTJ: The following song is done to the beat of Carol of the Bells. The girls sing the majority of the song; the guys just sing the DING DONG parts. If any Jewish person gets offended by the song, first off, XD. Second, I am deeply sorry if it offends you in anyway. I don't hate Jews, I just felt like writing a song about them and Hitler… which makes me wonder if I need medications…)

Hello all you Jews

Hanukkah's here

Pack up the dreidels

The end is surely near

Each year he comes back

To pile Jews into stacks

All Jews run in fear

For Hitler is here

He comes back from hell

Only on Hanukkah night

To burn synagogues

The Jews run in fright

He rapes the latkes

And skeets in your sheets

All through the night

He eats all the feasts

He rapes the men

He burns all the hens

He smashes the dreidels

He steals babies from their cradles

RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY FROM HITLER

RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY FROM HITLER

On and on he goes

He rapes all the hos

Messing up all Jew homes

Until morning he roams

DING DONG

DING DONG

DING DONG

DING DONG

RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY FROM HITLER

RUN, RUN, RUN AWAY FROM HITLER

DING DONG

DING DONG

DING DONG

DING DONG

Hello all you Jews

Hanukkah's here

Pack up the dreidels

The end is surely neaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr…….

They all ended abruptly. Riley clapped for them vigorously while I just stared at them as if they were insane (and about half of them are…).

"That's what we used to scare them into giving us the menorah," Pearl said.

"I- You- Why…? When did you practice- _why _did you prac- ah fuck it…" I stammered. I took a seat at the table and guzzled down a cup of eggnog. There was no point in making sense out of this group…

The motley crew lingered around for almost the entire day. By midday most of us were buzzed on spiked eggnog. We held unusual (to say in the least) activities and events throughout the day. Pearl and I took turns shooting fire crackers at each other.

"How dare you betray me- hiccup- Soaked Scrotum!? I l-l-loved you like a gay guy loves Madonna's music!" Pearl drunkenly said before tossing a firecracker at me. I dodged it by lazily bending over backwards. It landed in the vat of eggnog and exploded, sending eggnog in every direction.

"Hehehe… I loved you too Orgy Homicide but…" I wiped some of the eggnog off my face and drank it. "This eggnog seduced me. It molested my balls and spanked my pubes with a ruler. Hehehehehehehe… I couldn't get away from its black hole-like sexuality! Haha… I have sexy nipples…" I lifted up the itchy sweater that Dawn gave me and sniffed at my nipples. "Ahhhhhh…"

Uh… right… other things happened at the party too like Marley flashing her boobs at Jack under the mistletoe (he fainted after that). Dawn had trouble holding in the liquor and vomited all over Mar's new dress. Riley, Cyrus and Saturn joined together in singing various Christmas carols. They forgot the words halfway through each song though…

Oh, Christmas tree, Oh Christmas tree

Um… something something, vaginas!

By nightfall, the booze was wearing off. The lights were beginning to dim because the Pichus were slowly losing the strength to use their electricity anymore. My headache after that was so severe that I collapsed onto the floor next to Dawn. She had an extremely upset stomach after throwing up on Mars.

"Ugh… my head…" I whimpered. I sat upright again and looked at Dawn. She was holding her knees to her chest and rocking back and forth. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah… I'm fine. I just have trouble holding in the liquor…"

Pearl, who had previously been sleeping in one of the branches of the giant menorah, awoke suddenly and pointed over to us.

"Hey… look who's under the mistletoe…" He said sheepishly. Everyone turned their head towards us. I looked up above. It was the same mistletoe Marley flashed Jack under.

"God damn it…" I muttered. I glanced at Dawn. She was blushing even harder than before. She seemed to notice this because she pulled the scarf over neck to over the entire bottom half of her face.

"Hic! There's no need to be- hic- shy! Come on- hic- give each other a kiss you two!" Riley jeered. He was still partially drunk on eggnog. I looked into Dawn's bright blue eyes and she stared back into my brown ones. We slowly leaned toward each other at the same time. Our faces were only inch apart from each other when…

"OPEN UP YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" A voice boomed, right outside the front door. Whoever it was knocked loudly.

"Oh thank you Jesus…" I said feeling relieved. I got up and made my way to the front door.

"Huh? Someone say my name?" Jesus asked. He had been sleeping under a pile of our discarded plastic cups. I ignored him and opened the front door.

An extremely obese old man stood in the doorway. He wore a bright red suit and a cap just like Riley's. He was glaring at me poisonously.

"Who the hell are you? Santa Claus?" I questioned.

"Yes," the fat man said.

"Yeah right. If you're really Santa Claus then what did I want for Christmas when I was six?"

"World domination. Now step aside so I can beat the fuck out of Pearl!" He tried to get in but my put my arms across the doorway, keeping him out.

"If you knew that I wanted world domination, how come you didn't get me it?" I stopped believing in Santa Claus after that Christmas…

"BECAUSE NUCLEAR WARHEADS DON'T FIT IN THE FUCKING SLEIGH!"

"Oh… that makes sense I guess…" I let him come through the door in this time. He charged up to Pearl and tried to pull him off the menorah. Pearl clung onto one the branches as hard as he could. Santa was going berserk trying to pull Pearl off.

"GET DOWN HERE BOY!"

"What did Pearl do to you Santa?" Dawn asked. She had gotten up as well. She refused to look me in the eye. I suppose she was embarrassed by what _almost_ happened too…

"This little bastard shot down my sleigh, bound and gagged me and shaved off every last hair on my body!"

"I can't help it Santa! I do terrible things when I'm high!" Pearl shouted back in defense.

It was only until now that I noticed that Santa's hair and beard were missing. I scratched at the sweater again. A horrible thought came across my mind.

"Hey Pearl?"

"Yeah?" Pearl asked, still trying to withstand Santa's furious tugs on his pant legs.

"When you gave Dawn the thread for this sweater did you give her Santa's hair instead?"

"Maybe…"

"No wonder this thing's so itchy. It's covered in lice!" I shrieked as I scratched uncontrollably.

"No wait. I didn't give her Dawn Santa's hair... from his head… I gave her his pubic hair…" Pearl admitted. Santa finally succeeded in pulling Pearl off. He took out his a massive sack and stuffed Pearl into it. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! LET ME OUT OF HERE!

"GAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I'M COVERED IN PUBE LICE!" I screamed. Santa's grabbed me by the collar and shoved me into the bag as well. He slung us over his shoulder and made for the exit.

"These two motherfuckers are gonna make toys for me until my hair grows back!" Santa exclaimed. He dumped us into the back of his sleigh.

"Uh… how long did it take for it to grow before?" Pearl asked.

"AN ETERNITY!"

"But why do I have to go with you too?" I asked.

"I'm gonna have you stitch my pubes back on to my balls."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!" Pearl and I screamed at the same time. The sleigh started pull up into the sky. I pulled my head out of the bag and looked back down on the ground below us. Everyone at the party was waving at us.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS DIAMOND AND PEARL!" They all said in unison.

"FUCK YOU GUYS!"

* * *

I know I promised a chapter about Pearl's uncontrollable boner but I it dawned on me this morning that I _had_ to make a Christmas special instead. So, I would like to wish every one of my readers an early Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Happy Kwan- actually nobody celebrates Kwanzaa so forget that one… Anyway, this is only a side story so none of the events in this chapter actually happened in the real plot of the story. I know you some of you were dissappointed that Dawn and Diamond didn't kiss but oh well... GET OVER IT! Before I go once again, Read and Review or get your ass beat! 


	26. Pearl's Very Own Chapter!

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Note from RTJ: Hello again all you sexy viewers out there. Yes, I just called you sexy. Why? Because I _love_ you all right now even if you're an ugly chode. I'm HAPPY right now. Why am I so happy all of a sudden you ask? Because, I checked my story stats page this morning. Diamond Fists has reached over 5000 hits! When I went on hiatus for six months (because of freakin maplestory owning my soul…) I'm pretty sure I only had about 1000- 1500 hits on this story. You people like this story so much that you kept coming back to read it again and again for six months. By the time I started writing again the count was up to about 4000. And since I've only been writing for about a week now I've gotten 1000 hits in like three days. … OMGZ FREAKIN AMAZING! YAYNESS TO THE MAXEST!… uh… right… All the new hits are helping out my other stories too. Apparently, my profile has been visited almost 2000 times. My first story; Golden Flames 1 is even reaching 20000 hits, even when it's been over for almost a year! As for the other two stories, Sapphire Stories and Trial and Tribulations, they're getting more hits but not nearly as fast as Diamond Fists is. SS is reaching 3000 and Trials is at only 100… I might just delete that one… but anyway… My next goal is to reach 100 reviews. None of my stories have 100 yet even though Golden Flames is close with 97 reviews. So once again read, review and I LOVE YOU PEOPLE!!!!!! Oh and before I forget, this chapter is done from _PEARL'S _point of view, not Diamond's. Don't get confused by that.

"Are you ready Pearl?" Marley asked me. She, Mars and Jupiter each took out a pokeball. This was gonna be one hell of a double battle… However, I was too distracted by Mars and my dick to care about that right now. She's so freaking pretty… "Pearl? Pearl! Snap out of it!"

"Huh? What? Oh yeah right…" I reluctantly took a pokeball off of my belt. I wanted to stare at Mars some more…

"Begin!" Jupiter exclaimed. She let out a Floatzel and Mars released a Skuntank. I caught a whiff of Skuntank's foul gases. It smelled like rotten eggs, piss and unwashed vagina. Marley and I each put a hand over our noses we tossed out Arcanine and Humpy.

"Flamethrower!" Marley ordered.

"Hydro Pump!" Jupiter ordered back. The attacks collided into each other in midair. They cancelled each other out and sent steam pouring across the room. The mist blocked my view of anyone else.

"Now's your chance Pearl!" Marley cried out to me. "Do something!"

"Oh my god I think my dick just sneezed…" I muttered.

"What?!"

"Nothing!" I grabbed Humpy and dived under the mist. I could barely make out the enemy's feet. I slowly crawled over to them, trying hard not to make a sound. "Okay Humpy, use bubble- GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH HUMPY KNOCK IT OFF!" I shrieked when I realized Humpy was humping my leg again.

"Ah hah!" A hand came out of the mist and grabbed my collar. It pulled me back onto my feet. I was now face to face with Commander Mars. The mist suddenly subsided. Mars grinned at me and I froze on the spot.

"Get her now Pearl!" Marley urged.

"Uh… can I do it later?" I asked. Mars giggled at me. I realized how stupid I must look with Humpy humping my leg…

"See ya cutie. Poison gas!" She said. Skuntank released a green, fouler smelling mist around me and Humpy. Humpy fell to the floor and writhed there out of suffocation. I dropped onto my knees. The gas burned inside my chest. It blurred my vision and thoughts from the inside. I felt like I was dying until… "Flamethrower!" The entire gas cloud flashed bright orange. The ground beneath me suddenly exploded and sent me and Humpy soaring into the back of the room. We collided painfully into the wall and slumped to the ground.

"What the fuck just happened? Ooh… look at the pretty Bunearys circling my head… Hopitty hop little Buneary friends…" I said dazedly. Marley and Arcanine crouched down next to me. She was glaring furiously at me.

"What the hell is wrong with you Pearl!? Why didn't you attack her when I said so?"

"I don't really know actually. Every time I look at her my guts clench together, my knees get weak, my mouth gets dry, I lose control of my bladder, my dick gets-."

"Okay enough! I think I know what's wrong with you… You're in love with that cow over there…"

"What?! You don't understand! I'm a pimp! I don't understand what _love_ is! And don't call her a cow!"

"Well, Don Jaun, this is the worst possible time for this love garbage! In case you haven't noticed, you're ho over there almost killed you!" She pointed over to where I was stuck in the poison gas before. A small crater formed where I once stood. The surrounding floor looked singed over. I looked down to see that both Humpy and my pants legs were burnt as well.

"How did that crater get there?"

"I'm glad you asked," Mars said. A stomach clenched when she spoke. "Skuntank's gas is highly flammable. First I trapped you and your Piplup in it and then blew you up with Skuntank's flamethrower. I like to call it Skuntank's Stink Explosion."

"You know what, that's clever. Wasn't that a clever attack? I thought it was clever, didn't you Marley?" I asked in admiration. Right now I liked everything Mars did and said. Even if it nearly killed me.

"Shut up Pearl… Pearl quit acting like an idiot and- WATCH OUT!" Skuntank and Floatzel were rushing at us with Double Edge. Arcanine stepped in front of us and took the brunt of the attacks. "Arcanine are you okay?" Marley asked. Arcanine had collapsed onto the ground. It weakly got back to its feet at the sound of Marley's voice. "Extremespeed!" It ran full speed, leaped over Mars' crater (hint hint anyone?) and rammed Floatzel into the opposite wall. It remained motionless with its eyes closed.

"Fuck. Looks like I'm out of it Mars," Jupiter said bitterly.

"Don't worry about it. This will be over soon enough," Mars said, causing another spasm from stomach.

"Hey! We beat you! You have to give us one of the passwords," Marley said to Jupiter. (Marley and Pearl still don't know that the passwords are useless)

"Right… The first one is 'Dialga'."

"What the hell's a Dialga?" I asked. "Is it some kind of fish?" Mars laughed at that a little. I made her laugh… YAYNESS!

"Hopefully you'll never live to find out…" Jupiter said under her breath.

"Since you're too horny to help out, I'll finish her off," Marley told me. She rolled her eyes at me and turned back to Arcanine. Dumb bitch…

"Toxic!" Mars said. Skuntank was too fast for Arcanine. The hairs on its long bushy tail stood on end. The very tip of the tail stabbed into Arcanine's side. Arcanine yelped and collapsed onto the floor again.

"Get up Arcanine!" Marley urged. She tried to get it back on its feet but to no avail.

"It can't get up. That side of its body was badly damaged when it got hit with Double Edge. Now toxic made it even worse. Poor, poor Arcanine," Mars said in feigned pity. She smiled even wider as Arcanine tried to get up again. When it fell again she giggled hysterically. I like that laugh… it's a sexy laugh….

"No one laughs at _my_ Pokemon. FLAMETHROWER!" Marley shrieked at the top of her voice. Skuntank let out another poison gas cloud in front of Arcanine's jet of fire. When they both made contact, another, bigger explosion went off in the very center of the room. An even bigger crater formed in the middle. But this time the fire didn't die out. The flames spread until they formed a crescent around Arcanine, Marley and I. Marley returned Arcanine as the blaze slowly closed in on us.

"What do we do Marley?" I asked. I was beginning to panic because we were almost backed all the way into the wall. We'd have nowhere to run soon…

"What kind of dumbass are you?" She asked irritably.

"There are different kinds of dumbass now?" Marley rolled her eyes at me and pointed at Humpy.

"You have a freakin' water Pokemon with you damn it!"

"Oh yeah! Humpy use water gun!" Humpy let go of my leg and sprayed a small stream of water at the flames. It wasn't enough to put it out though… "Fuck! We're gonna die!"

"Well, I'd like to say it was a pleasure meeting you Pearl but no it really wasn't…" Marley said. We were backed up against the wall completely now.

"Well since we're gonna die I'd like to say… that I was the one who traded your unconscious body to that creepy bartender for all the free beer we could drink."

"YOU WHAT?! I'M GONNA STRANGLE YOU!"

"Well its kind of late for that isn't it?" Humpy pulled on what was left of my pant leg. I lifted him into my arms and stared at it. It looked like it was about to cry. "You did your best Humpy… Remember what I told you down at the Beach Tournament? You and I have the power of sexiness on our side! Nothing can defeat us when we're sexy!... except for now of course because let's face it… This is fucking hopeless… We're gonna die but we'll look sexy doing it!"

I don't know whether it was my words of encouragement or sheer dumb luck but Humpy started to glow brilliantly white. It began to change form in my arms until it turned into…

"PRINPLUP!" It cried out.

"Holy bacon strips! You evolved!"

"Ahem…" Marley said to get my attention.

"Oh yeah. Water gun again!" Humpy leaped out of my arms and shot an even bigger stream of water than before. This one was so big it blasted a hole through in the wall of fire in one spray. Marley and I leaped through the hole. Humpy then turned around and took out the rest of the flames.

"See what the power of sexiness has Marley?" I asked. Once again, she rolled her eyes. "You're just mad because you don't have it." An innocent giggle rang through the air. I looked around. Mars was still sitting on Skuntank's back while Jupiter was brooding in a corner. Mars got off of Skuntank and walked towards me. A wave of perfumed air came from her. How could someone who trained such a smelly Pokemon smell so damn good?

"Power of sexiness, huh? Maybe I have it too. Perhaps that's why I'm so much better than Jupiter over there," she said.

"Screw you Mars! I'm ranked higher than you!" Jupiter retorted furiously.

"Yeah, yeah…" She said ignoring her superior. "So, who would you say is sexier? Me or you?" She asked me.

"Uh…" There was no clear cut answer for this. I thought she was sexy but if I said that I'd look like a horny idiot (which I kind of am). If I said I was sexier than she'll think I'm an arrogant asshole (which I am also). Once again she laughed at me.

"Well since you can't decide we'll have the Pokemon do it for you. Whoever wins is the sexier one. Okay?"

"Um… okay…" I managed to say.

"Good… Poison gas!" She ordered. She ran back to Skuntank's side at it released the foul green gas once more. It completely encompassed me and Humpy again. The painful stinging came back as the gas found its way up my nostrils. In a few seconds I felt like I was going to black out but I had to stay up no matter what.

"Pearl! You're breathing in too much poison! You have to get out of there!" Marley shouted to me from outside the cloud of virulent (I got that word from Diamond. I wouldn't know it otherwise…) gas.

"I'm-cough- trying!" I returned Humpy back to its ball and switched to Orgy (I named him to keep up with my sex themed nicknames).

"I hate to do this to such a cute guy but duty comes first. Skuntank, flamethrower!"

"Now Orgy!" Before the gas ignited again I grabbed onto Orgy's feet. It lifted me above the cloud just before it exploded. An even bigger fire than before spread across the room. Shards of what used to be the floor and ash were sent in all directions. Black smoke replaced the sickly green one from before and dispersed across the room along with the fire. I used the resulting confusion to toss Humpy's pokeball at Skuntank from above.

"Drill peck!" I shouted. Humpy came out of its pokeball in midair and began to rotate. Its beak collided with Skuntank's face. It shuddered for a second and then collapsed onto the floor, clearly knocked out. "Kick ass!" I looked down. Jupiter and Marley had evacuated the building while Mars was getting cornered by the fire just as Marley and I were a few a minutes ago. "Water gun Humpy!" Humpy cleared a small passage for Mars to go through that led to the doorway. I rock so hard right now. Mars look bewilderedly up at me.

"You're saving me? Why?" She asked. I shrugged and smiled at her.

"Just because. You can give me a medal later. Now go before the fire takes out the passage again!" She smiled back at me.

"I'll give you more than a medal next time we meet… The password's Palkia," she said before returning Skuntank and tearing out of the door. I returned Humpy and had Orgy fly me over to the stairs. The bottom step was beginning to burn down so there wasn't much time. I returned Orgy and sprinted up the stairs to join Riley and Diamond. But right before I opened the door to get to the second floor, a terrible pain shot through my entire body. Marley was right, I did breathe in too much poison... I fell down to my knees. It was getting harder and harder to breath... The flames were slowly creeping up the stairs. I tried to crawl the rest of the way up the stairs but the poison was constricting my limbs. The world was becoming more and more hazy every second... God damn it... not here... I can't die here... Where was the power of sexiness now...? I kept struggling to get away from the flames until my arms and legs were completely paralyzed. My head was about to burst... I was slowly beginning to black out...

"Bronzong! Use Psychic!" A familiar voice said from under me. I couldn't tell who it was because my neck was paralyzed as well. The heat from the flames abruptly subsided. An unknown hand grabbed my numb arm and flipped me onto my back. I was suddenly staring into Mars' amber eyes.

"What are you doing here?" I asked weakly. She grinned.

"Returning the favor..." She said. She kissed me on my cheek. It was the only warmth left on my completely numb body. She turned to leave.

"Wait... aren't you gonna help me out here? You're not gonna leave me here are you...?"

"I'm a bad girl, sweetie.It's what I do," she said. She blew me a kiss and walked back down the stairs. I like the way she walks... I smiled again and closed my eyes as I slowly lost consciousness...

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So, Pearl's very own chapter didn't go to bad did it?

Pearl: You bet your chode ass it didn't! My chapter kicked major ass!

You don't even know what chode means asshole…

Pearl: I still can tell its offensive… What is a chode anyway?

(I point to Pearl's crotch) ALAKACHODE! (He grabs his crotch)

Pearl: What did you do?

Look and see. (He looks down his pants)

Pearl: GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! _THAT'S_ WHAT A CHODE IS!? CHANGE IT BACK!

Okay… next chapter.

Pearl: NOOOOO! RTJ YOU COCK TEASE!

You know who else is a cock tease?

Pearl: Who?

Mars.

Pearl: No! Don't say her name around me! Just the very thought of her makes me get a boner!

Mars and Pearl sitting in a tree. S-E-X-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes sex, then comes an illegitimate child in a baby carriage!

Pearl: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


	27. Riley Has Queer Typing Skills

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Jesus opened the door to the stairs with his beak. He fluttered downstairs to find Pearl knocked out halfway down the stairs. He landed on his chest and smacked him with his wing.

"Wake up stupid! This isn't the time for sleeping!" He shrieked. He smacked Pearl across the face a few more times but nothing happened. "Damn it… this is isn't good…" Jesus looked around. The whole room was burnt and decrepit. Next to Pearl's arm there was an antidote with a note taped to it. Jesus pulled the note off and read it out loud.

"My little sweetie's been badly poisoned. Use this to make him better again," the note said.

"Little sweetie?" Jesus questioned. He pulled off the cap of the bottle with his beak. He poured its contents down Pearl's throat. A couple seconds later Pearl abruptly opened his eyes. He thumped his chest as he began to cough and sputter. "You're alive!"

"Barely… Where am I?" Pearl asked. He dazedly looked around. "I remember now… We need to help Riley and Diamond!" Pearl got up and tried to run up the stairs to where Riley and Saturn were battling. However, his legs gave out as he ran. He collapsed back onto the stairs again.

"You shouldn't be too hasty Pearl! You still have the poison running through you," Jesus warned. "Besides, I don't think it's safe to go up there yet," he said roosting on Pearl's shoulder.

"Why? What's going on up there?"

"The greatest fight the world has ever seen! I'm telling you man, their battle is so great it makes every Pokemon movie up until now look like a punk bitch! Riley used his Lucario against Saturn's Toxicroak. Those two were blasting each other and punching each other in the face so hard I thought I was in a fucking Dragonball Z game. Everything in the room was used as a weapon. Books, tables, chairs, computers, old ladies, tampons, you name it, they used it. Eventually, Riley and Saturn got so pissed off at each other they ripped off their shirts and started wrestling too. During the middle of the fight both sides got bored of hand- to- hand. Riley and Lucario pulled out random AK-47's and started shooting up the place. Saturn and Toxicroak dived behind a couch and pulled out two rocket launchers.

"Now here's where it got crazy. Saturn and Toxicroak fired off like a dozen rockets and made giant holes in the room. There was almost no more floor to walk on at that point. Riley shot Saturn in the hand which made him lose his grip on the rocket launcher. Out of revenge, Toxicroak shot another rocket at Riley and Lucario. They both dove sideways but lost their guns in the process. Then Saturn gets off the floor and pulls a samurai sword out of nowhere and starts slicing up the place with his good hand. Riley's trying to dodge like a bitch but Saturn keeps whooping his pussy ass and slicing him up and shit until Lucario tossed Riley a shovel and-."

"A shovel?"

"Yep, a shovel. So they're both locked in some kind of duel. Sparks flew from their weapons at every strike. Fires consumed their eyes and hearts as they fought boldly on. In the end, they each had their weapon pressed up against each other's throat. It was a fucking Mexican standoff. One swing from either of them and it would have been over… Saturn's like 'Why must it always end like this?' and Riley's like 'Cuz you's a bitch.' Saturn gets fucking pissed and accidentally missed his neck and slashed Riley across the chest. Lucario gets uber pissed and does some crazy kamehameha shit and shoots Toxicroak and Saturn out the window," Jesus finished.

"Holy shit… How come that wasn't made into a chapter like my battle? That would have been epic!"

"Well, unlike you, Riley isn't a main character so his fights are given less importance no matter how epically earth shattering they are. And… RTJ doesn't seem to have the writing skills to pull something that big off. His D in English class is proof of this."

"HOW DARE YOU!?" My voice thundered from up above them.

"HOLY SHIT!" Jesus shrieked. He cowered next to the bewildered Pearl. "D-Daddy?"

"I'M NOT YOUR DADDY BITCH! I AM THE AUTHOR GOD RTJ! BOW TO MY SUPREME AUTHORITY!"

"Last time I checked, I was resident god here!" Jesus said back. "You have supreme authority over these nuts nigga!" (I'm still wondering why he's talking like he's black in this chapter…)

"THAT'S IT! FOR BLASPHEMING AGAINST GOD, I CONDEMN YOU ALL TO SINGING AND DANCING!" My voice roared followed by a clap of thunder.

"Well that was gay… What do you think he meant by that Jesus?" Pearl asked. Jesus shuddered for a second. Jesus turned back to Pearl. His eyes were wide and looked mesmerized.

Clothes off by Gym Class Heroes redone by Jesus

See here's the thing," Jesus said.

We have to take our clothes off (So sexy)  
We have to party all night  
And we have to take our clothes off  
To have a good time  
Oh no, no, no

"What the fuck?" Pearl said. He moved backwards up the stairs as Jesus kept advancing on him. He looked like he wanted to do naughty things to him... "I'm not taking my clothes off for anybody (except maybe for a Siberian stripper)! Especially not you!"

Excuse me miss  
I couldn't help but to notice how alone you are  
I dig the attitude and how you're acting like you own the bar  
Got me flashing keys and I don't even own a car  
Front like you ain't feeling my charm, because I know you are  
I'm trying to see how your lips feel-

"Okay I'm out of here!" Pearl sprinted up the stairs, through the door and slammed the door behind him before Jesus could get to him. "I just got hit on by a Chatot that thinks its Jesus _and _Travis from Gym Class Heroes. It doesn't get much more fucked up than that." Pearl looked around. "Actually this room is a tiny bit more fucked up…"

Every wall had tiny bullet sized holes scattered through them. Four wide holes were blasted through the floor. He looked through them to see the singed first floor beneath us. All the furniture in the room either had bullets in them like the walls or deep gashes in them. Windows were shattered, rubbish was piled everywhere, and two old ladies were unconscious in a corner… In other words, the place got raped.

"Wow Riley… You guys turned this place into fucking Baghdad…" Pearl said out of wonder. Riley was fidgeting with the one computer that wasn't destroyed.

"Why thank you Pearl," Riley said back, not turning away from the computer. He was bleeding profusely in various places and his dark blue suit was tattered beyond repair. Pearl cautiously walked over to him, trying not to step on anything sharp or fall through one of the holes. "This is strange…"

"What's strange?"

"Saturn took special precautions so this one computer wouldn't get hit in the battle. But… it's also the machine that stops the satellite from coming down…"

"So what? This is great! He saved it for us!"

"But _why_ did he save it for us? He _wants_ the satellite to come down doesn't he? So why would he want to save something that stops it from coming down?"

"Good point. I guess we won't know until we put in the passwords."

"Right. What are the ones you and Marley got?"

"Dialga and Palkia. You?"

"Saturn told me it as Lucario blasted him out the window. It's Giratina," Riley said. He typed all three in and pressed enter. The word 'Error' came up in large scarlet letters. "What the hell?"

"You spelled Dialga wrong. It has an L in it," Pearl corrected. Riley typed again but the error message came back again. "Now you spelled Giratina wrong. Move over let me do it."

"No, I can handle it," Riley said slightly annoyed. The error message came back once more.

"Riley you suck at typing. Come on let me do it!"

"Shut up Pearl! I can do this!"

"Come ooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnn!"

"No!" The error message kept coming back over and over.

"Riley, you fail!"

"_You_ fail! You must have been given me the wrong passwords!"

"Don't blame me for your suckish typing!" Pearl tried to make Riley get off the chair but Riley smacked his hands away.

"Pearl! We don't have time for this! I think we only have about ten minutes left to save the town!"

"EXACTLY! And we're never gonna save it with your gay ass typing skills!"

"THAT DOES IT!" Riley shouted. He pulled out a random AK-47 out from under the desk. "If I were you, I'd shut the fuck up and let _me _handle this! You got that you DICK SNAPPING HORSE FUCKER!?" Riley gets agitated under pressure… Pearl snapped his mouth shut. "That's more like it. Now let me see… D-I-A-L-G-A then… P-A-K-."

"It's an L not- AUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGHHHH!" Pearl shrieked as Riley shot a few rounds at his feet. Pearl frantically scurried to the back of the room.

"…L-K-I-A… and finally, G-I-R-A-T-I-N-A… Yes! We're in!" Pearl hurried back to Riley's side to see what was going on. Instead of an error message, a picture of a Poketch came on to the screen. Above it large scarlet words said 'Mass Poketch Control Center'.

"WTH?" Riley and Pearl said at the same time. They scrolled down until they reached a small box that said 'Input Action Here' next to it.

"Input action?" Riley asked bewilderedly. "Like what?"

"I don't know… Put in something stupid like grab ass or something," Pearl suggested. Riley typed it in. Thousands of footsteps were heard from outside. We both looked outside the window. Everyone in Jubilife City had come out of their homes and work places. They all lined up in one giant circle around the building we were in. Everyone grabbed the ass to the person to their left.

"Mass mind control via the Poketch…" Riley gasped. "That explains why they took over the Poketch factory… This is terrible! There's nothing to stop the satellite!"

"Grab… your… crotch… and… sing and dance… to… Michael Jackson's Thriller…" Pearl said as he typed it into the 'Input Action Here' box. Everyone outside grabbed their crotch, did a moonwalk backwards and began to sing.

'Cause This Is Thriller, Thriller Night  
And No One's Gonna Save You From The Beast About  
Strike  
You Know It's Thriller, Thriller Night  
You're Fighting For Your Life Inside A Killer, Thriller  
Tonight

"Now all the attractive women pour drinks on each other's boobs and make out with each other while all the guys skeet-skeet-skeet on you," Pearl typed. Riley looked away disgustedly. "What? We're all gonna die anyway so we might as well enjoy ourselves."

"I guess you're right. Next make them shove bananas up the ass."

* * *

My proclamation of singing and dancing will make much more sense in the next chapter. Not only will it go back to Diamond's point of view (and a couple of minutes) it will also be the finale of this arc of the story so get psyched for that. R and R or Riley will come in with his AK-47 and shoot up your place and your mother. 


	28. Help From a Tiny Friend

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Chimchar (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Piplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

This chapter is told from DIAMOND'S point of view. It is also set at the same time as when Pearl's and Riley's battles started. Don't get confused by that.

"Diamond who is this guy? He looks like a serial killer… or a rapist… or even a serial rapist! AAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Dawn shrieked. She was quivering behind me, afraid of what Malcolm will do next. I didn't blame her for thinking that way though. The water had turned Malcolm's skin a very pale, sickly green color. His eyes rolled around grotesquely in their sockets. His clothes and hair clung to him, making him look even more skeletal looking. He was breathing from his mouth deeply and smelled like dead fish.

"He's Malcolm. He's a friend of mine… sort of… Pearl and I sang a random show tune about suicide with him and-

"Wait a minute. Random suicide show t-?"

"Never mind," I quickly said. There was no point or time to give her the full details now… "The point is; Pearl and I killed him by dumping him in the river."

"Maybe Grandpa Rowan was right… Maybe I shouldn't be hanging around these guys anymore. They're both so fucking crazy…" Dawn thought to herself.

Malcolm and his Purugly took a step towards us. Purugly reared onto its hind legs and lunged towards us with a slash attack. Punchy and I jumped to the right and took fighting stances while Dawn clumsily shifted to the left. She tripped over own feet as Purugly landed. Its blow caused a massive crack in the floor. Purugly turned its head towards Dawn. Oh shit. She didn't have any Pokemon to take the hit for her…

"Punchy use mega punch!" I ordered to make Purugly turn to us instead of Dawn. Instead of Purugly, Punchy punched me in the leg. I cursed (FUCKING CUNT BITCH RUBIK'S CUBE VAGINA!) loudly, so loudly that Purugly turned its sights on me. Punchy was laughing hysterically. Purugly began to chase after us now. I scooped Punchy up and sprinted away from Purugly. I turned Punchy to face me. "You weren't supposed to hit _me_! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

(Ah chill out ass cheeks. It achieved the same effect we were going for…) Punchy said before chuckling at me some more (I of course had no idea what it was saying). Because of him I couldn't run full speed without a surge of pain going through my leg. At least it achieved the same effect that we were going for…

"Dawn! Destroy what's giving the orders!" I shouted as I ran past her and Malcolm. Purugly was chasing after me in one big circle around the roof. It kept lunging at me, trying to hit me with its slash attack but I kept running out of its reach.

"What do you mean? This Malcolm guy is giving the orders!" She said.

"No he's not! Malcolm hasn't said a single thing yet! Something else must be giving that fat ass orders!" Calling it a fat ass didn't help our cause much. Purugly tailed me even faster now and instead of slash, it started using Shadow Claw. Punchy climbed its way to the top of my head. It was cackling and seemed to be taunting Purugly.

(Hey pussy! The brothel called. They want somebody with your kind of sucking skills!) Punchy jeered. Purugly kept leaping at me out of blind fury, trying to get at Punchy.

(Fuck you ape!) Purugly snarled back.

(Come on pussy! Jump for it! Jump for it bitch! I'm serious, hit me right _here_!) Punchy stood up and pointed at its own butt.

"Knock it off Punchy!" I pleaded. Purugly did a powerful Shadow Claw at the ground behind me. The shockwave that followed broke up the ground and knocked me off my feet. Punchy and I were sent tumbling a few feet away.

(Okay… maybe the pussy has _some _skills…) Punchy said groggily.

(I HEARD THAT!) Purugly roared as it chased after Punchy now.

"Dawn hurry up and find out what's giving the orders! Punchy won't last!" I called out as I picked myself out of the rubble.

(Bitch please. Do you know who I am? I'm Punchy bitch! The undefeatable, unforgettable, ultra sexy PUNCHY! No one can touch this! I feel like putting on parachute pants and going all MC Hammer on that fat ass! Can't touch this, bi ni ni ni, ba ni ni ni, can't touch this, bi ni ni- GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!) While Punchy was showboating Purugly smacked him across the floor with Iron Tail.

Dawn reluctantly scanned Malcolm's body to find something out of the ordinary. Malcolm stood on the spot, staring down the ground. The Poketch on his wrist however, was flashing wildly. Sure that Malcolm wouldn't react; Dawn came over to him and grabbed his wrist. She looked at the Poketch and gasped at what she saw.

Next to a picture of Purugly and a list of its attacks was Cyrus' head. Cyrus' image stared at her from behind the screen. He chuckled to himself before speaking.

"Finish her. Let no one get near you," Cyrus' head demanded before disappearing from the screen. Malcolm lurched suddenly and shoved Dawn down to the floor. He dropped another pokeball to the ground. This time a Glameow appeared. It began to advance on her. She inched backwards, still not releasing a Pokemon. Damn it… I guess I have to step in again…

"Diamond, the Poketch is controlling him!"

"I'm on it! Poopy!" I called. My Murkrow had been circling the building, waiting for a command from me. "Wing Attack!" Poopy broadened its wingspan and rocketed towards Malcolm and Glameow. Malcolm picked up Glameow and grabbed on to the end of its tail. He then swung Glameow like a whip towards Poopy. Glameow's tail extended far enough to let Glameow slash Poopy across the chest. It then recoiled back to Malcolm like a rubber band. He was using it as one big elastic whip… Malcolm swung Glameow again and this time it bit Poopy on the leg. Before Poopy was reeled in by Glameow I returned it back to its ball.

"Damn! We can't get near him!" I thought. This fight was going nowhere fast. Punchy was barely able to keep up with Purugly, Poopy nor any other Pokemon could get near enough to take out the Poketch and for some reason Dawn refuses to release a Pokemon… I could always use Sandy but I don't feel like being eaten alive right now… If only there was a way to make Malcolm snap out of it. Now that I think about it, I really don't know anything about him besides that he's a depressed loser that lives with his mother… He seemed to like the song we sang together though… Let's find a rock. I mean a big ass rock or maybe something like a cinder block is better… That really was a catchy song… Wait a second! Music!

"Dawn! Do you have an iPod on you?" I asked. She looked questioningly at me.

"An iPod? How could you listen to music at a time like this?" She asked. Nevertheless, she pulled an iPod out of her pocket.

"It's not for me. I want you to find a song about suicide in there and sing it for Malcolm," I said. Purugly, who realized that some kind of plan was forming, stopped beating up on Punchy and chose to chase after me again. "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"S-Sing? But Diamond I-I can't sing…" Dawn said. She looked embarrassed just by the very idea of singing in public. There was no time for this…

"Do you have a voice box?" I asked as I ran past her.

"Uh… yeah. Doesn't everybody?"

"Good. You have a voice box. So I guess that means… YOU CAN SING DAMN IT! NOW SING!"

"Do I have to?"

"YES!"

"But I don't want to sing in front of you… You'll just make fun of me…"

"God damn it Dawn! Everyone in Jubilife is gonna die in about fifteen minutes and you're worried I'm gonna make fun of you!? FUCKING SING LIKE YOU'VE NEVER FUCKING SUNG BEFORE!"

"Alright, alright… Just stop yelling at me. It's unnerving…" She muttered. She looked through her iPod's song lists. "I don't have anything about suicide!" She told me as I ran past again.

"Why the hell is that?"

"It's because I'm not an emo…"

"Dawn you're gonna make me bust a testicle here…" I said, thoroughly annoyed. Her reluctance to go along with any of my plans was pissing me off to no end. But I couldn't lose my temper or I might lose her again… "Please for the love of god pick something _close_ to suicide before I murder someone with my bare penis… OW!" I ran too close to Malcolm. He had Glameow bite me on the shoulder. As it snapped back to Malcolm, it dragged me forward as well. I fell flat on my face at Malcolm's feet. Purugly finally caught up to me and stood on my back. It raised one of its paws, waiting strike down on the base of my neck.

"… Shadow Claw…" Malcolm ordered impartially.

"WAIT! Malcolm stop!" Dawn said. Both Purugly and Malcolm turned their heads towards her. She cleared her throat and turned the volume all the way up on the iPod so that we could hear the music coming out of the headphones. Dawn began to sing.

You're way too beautiful er… boy?  
That's why it'll never work  
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal

When you say it's over  
Damn all these beautiful boys  
They only wanna do your dirt  
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal  
When they say it's over

See it started at the park  
Used to chill after dark  
Oh when you took my heart  
That's when we fell apart  
Cuz we both thought  
That love lasts forever (lasts forever)  
They say we're too young  
To get ourselves sprung  
Oh we didn't care  
We made it very clear  
And they also said  
That we couldn't last together (last together)

See it's very define, boy

One of a kind  
But you mush up my mind  
You walk to get declined  
Oh Lord...  
My baby is driving me crazy

You're way too beautiful boy  
That's why it'll never work  
You'll have me suicidal, suicidal  
When you say it's over  
Damn all these beautiful boys  
They only wanna do your dirt  
They'll have you suicidal, suicidal  
When they say it's over

Dawn finished. I didn't get why she was so embarrassed though. She sang beautifully… Malcolm stood on the spot, showing no emotion whatsoever. I used the temporary distraction to signal to Punchy. He tackled Purugly off of me. I got back up and went back to Dawn's side. I felt my now bleeding shoulder. I fucking hate today…

The Pokemon resumed their battle once more. Dawn looked even more embarrassed than ever and turned away from me. I ignored her and looked at Malcolm. Nothing happened…

"I asked you to pick a song about suicide and you pick Sean Kingston? Sean fucking Kingston?! The fucking Jamaican Teddy Bear!? What the hell does he know about suicide!?" I raved. Dawn glowered at me.

"Stop yelling at me! That was the closest thing to suicide I could find!"

"Oh that's bullshit! With the pessimistic culture of death we live in, there's a song about suicide and or death everywhere! Give me that!" I said before snatching the iPod out of her hands. "Paramore, Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, Justin Timberlake, T Pain, Beyonce, Foo Fighters… Oh my God! Crank Dat by Soulja Boy?!"

"You want to sing _that_ to him?"

"Hell no! I'm just shocked you have it on your iPod. That's song's fucking stupid!"

"See!? This is exactly one of the reasons I ran away from you before! You have such a bad attitude! What happened to the nice guy I became friends with?" Dawn exclaimed. She turned away again, crossing her arms. I rolled my eyes at her.

"He got lost somewhere up my butt and around the corner…" I said. There simply was no time for arguing. I looked up at the sky again. The meteor loomed even closer over the sky. I could feel the searing heat emanating from it all the way over here. I looked at the battling Pokemon. Punchy was barely holding its own against Purugly. I had to end this now…

"Hey Malcolm!" I said. Malcolm and Purugly looked at me. I slowly walked towards him. I began to sing the Big Ass Rock song. "Let's find a rock. I mean a big ass rock. Or maybe something like a cinder block is better. I'll hoist it up and drop it on your face my buddy."

"What the hell are you doing?" Dawn asked. I ignored her and kept advancing towards Malcolm. Malcolm tossed Glameow to bite me the shoulder. I winced as its fangs sunk in to my leg. I winced but kept going forward.

"And just before the lights go out you'll see my smile and you'll know you've got a friend, with a rock, who cares, I mean a big ass rock." I was now standing face to face with Malcolm. He was staring at me vaguely. Since Pearl wasn't here, I skipped over his part. "This world is cold when you're alone and they ignore you. But don't kill yourseeeeeeelf… I'll do it for you! You've got a friend!"

"…I've got a friend…" Malcolm muttered. I think he was starting to remember me. I had to get him to keep singing.

"You've got a friend!"

"I've got a friend…" I nodded at him. I signaled him to keep going. The blank expression on his face was slowly turning into a grin. "… I've got a friend! Like… Carole King, or was it Carly Simon used to sing? I always get those two confused but anywaaaaaay… I turned around, and suddenly, I'm not alone, it ain't just me! I'm like a player on the team!"

"Player on our team!"

"Part of the gang!"

"Part of our gang!"

"A member of the club!"

"Welcome to the club!" We sang. Malcolm's eyes filled up with tears. We called back Glameow and Purugly and then hugged me around the neck.

"I've been bad! Both of you please forgive me!" Malcolm cried out. He was sobbing into my shoulder. This was so gay in so many ways…

"It's okay buddy. We know Team Galactic made you do it…"

"Uh… guys? I know you're having a moment but we're still in a crisis situation here," Dawn reminded us. We all walked over to the edge of the roof. We looked up at the sky; the meteor was slowly getting closer.

"I guess we're the only ones who can stop it now," I said.

"Yeah but how?" I looked around. How were we gonna do this? I saw Cyrus' Bronzongs still holding up the barriers around the building.

"I got it! We take one of those Bronzongs and have it use Reflect!"

"But a Bronzong can't put up a big enough barrier to shield the entire city Diamond."

"Dawn you're breaking my nuts again… We've got to try something damn it!"

"I say we do Diamond's plan," Malcolm said. "And I'll help you guys in anyway I can because-." Malcolm shuddered. I looked down at his Poketch. It started flashing again. I heard a great number of footsteps from beneath us. The entire city's population had assembled at the base of the building. Malcolm and everyone else all grabbed their crotch at once and started singing Thriller.

"Cuz this is Thriller! Thriller night! And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike! You know its Thriller, Thriller night! You're fighting for your life inside a killer Thriller tonight!" We looked questioningly at Malcolm. We didn't know it at the time but this was Riley and Pearl's doing… Malcolm and the citizens of Jubilife froze again. Malcolm and all the other men dropped their pants.

"Must skeet-skeet-skeet on attractive women…" Malcolm advanced towards Dawn.

"Uh… what's he doing? And what's skeet-skeet-skeet mean?" Dawn asked fearfully. She took a few steps back as Malcolm came toward her.

"It means ejaculation," I explained.

"Huh?"

"His dick is gonna sneeze on your face. Run damn it run!" Dawn shrieked and sprinted down the stairs to the floor Riley and Pearl were on. Malcolm followed her in pursuit. I guess I'm on my own… I released Poopy back out. It grabbed onto my shoulders and lifted me into the air.

"Punchy grab onto my back," I ordered. If this was going to work, I needed Punchy's ass flame. It reluctantly grabbed on as we soared over to the triad of Bronzongs. "Fly me over to one of them!" Poopy flew me above the nearest one. I grabbed onto the top of its metal head. It was so startled that it let down the barrier it was holding up. All four of us dropped several feet due to Bronzong's weight. Poopy didn't have enough strength to carry all of us.

"Okay here's where you come in Punchy. Make the flame on your ass bigger to give us a boost!" I modeled this idea after a jet pack I saw in a movie once. If Punchy produces enough fire then we'll be propelled enough to carry Bronzong. Punchy tried to raise the power of its flames but couldn't produce a fire no bigger then a campfire.

"Come on! We're going to die bitch! TURN UP THE HEAT!" I urged. Bronzong's weight was making us fall even faster. "Damn it! I knew I never should have kept you! You've been bringing me nothing but misery ever since I met you Punchy! Now you're gonna bring about my demise just because you can't a big enough flame! If there is a god he hates for some reason. Why else did he ever give me a Pokemon like you?!"

My words were only true up until the 'bringing nothing but misery' part. I just said all this to make Punchy furious at me.

(I'M GONNA MAKE YOU EAT THOSE WORDS BITCH!) Punchy shouted at me before he started to glow white. He slowly grew larger and a tail started to form until he changed into a Monferno.

"Yes!" I shouted. Punchy let out a humungous burst of fire from its tail. It propelled us straight at the meteor. "Now here's where you come in!" I told Bronzong. "I know you're not my Pokemon but if you don't listen to me I'm tossing you into that thing! You got that?" Bronzong fearfully nodded. The giant space rock sent out a massive heat wave across the city that got hotter with every inch we took towards it. I felt like I was going to melt before we had the chance to save anyone. "Use Reflect!" I told Bronzong. Its eyes glowed blue before it created a barrier in front of the meteor's path. It was too small to shield the city however. "Bigger!" Bronzong used its psychic power to extend the length and width of the barrier. Still too small… "Bigger! Bigger! BIGGER!" After three more attempts, Bronzong created a barrier that was as tall as the meteor was but I doubted it would stop the damn thing… "Maybe just a little bigger…" I said tiredly. Bronzong was too heavy to hold onto anymore. Right before it could extend the shield any further, I dropped Bronzong. "NOOOOOOOOOO!" I shrieked. I tried to grab back onto it but it fell out of my reach. The situation was hopeless now…

Just when I given up all hope, a tiny fairylike Pokemon flew past me. It had two small tails with jewels encrusted at the tips. Its body was pale blue while its face was bright pink.

"Mesprit," it said. It grinned at me before turning its head towards Bronzong's barrier. It closed its eyes and a blue aura engulfed it. The corners of Bronzong's barrier much wider than ever before. It towered over the entire city. The meteor crashed into it with tremendous force. Even though the barrier protected me, the shockwave sent through the air hit Poopy, Punchy and I. We were sent tumbling through the air and fell rapidly. I closed my eyes and fainted in midair…


	29. Fun With French and Suckish Middle Names

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

"Is that him? The one that saved the town?" A female voice asked. I was lying facedown in a comfortable bed. I didn't feel like getting up at that moment so I just kept my eyes closed as the other people in the room talked.

"Yeah that's Diamond. But he couldn't have done it without _my_ help," Pearl's voice answered. I knew more girls were in the room with him because a chorus of oohs and ahs sounded around me. "I, Pearl St. Clair, taught your savior everything he knows!" He said gloatingly. The girls all clapped for him. God they were annoying…

"Ooh… St. Clair! Are you French then?" One of them asked. Ooh… St. Clair, I mimicked inside my own head in a high pitched voice. Why won't they so I can go back to sleep damn it?

"Indeed I am! In fact, I descend all the way from the Merovingians," Pearl lied. For those of you who've never opened a history text book, the Merovingian dynasty ruled over ancient France. They were known for sexual perversion and _claiming_ to be the descendants of Jesus. St. Clair is a common last name for their descendants. However, Pearl is neither French nor a Merovingian (but the sexual perversion part could prove me wrong...) He just happened to have their last name… The girls clamored around him, asking for his autograph. "Ladies, ladies calm down! I'm a man of both ability and nobility! I'll make time to give you each an autograph but right now I need to talk to Diamond. But don't worry. J'aime chaque et chaque un de vous (Translation: I love each and every one of you)!" Pearl said in French. They all gave one big groan and reluctantly filed out of the room. Pearl shut the door behind them.

"They wouldn't be so impressed if they knew your middle name," I said, still lying facedown into my pillow.

"That's why no one's going to _tell_ them my middle name. God, if they ever found _that_ out I'll get as much respect as Rodney Dangerfield around here…" He said. I slowly lifted myself out of bed and looked around. We were in a Pokemon center bedroom. It was a plain white with nothing but the bed I was sitting on and a wooden dresser as furniture.

"Why are we here?"

"The town is letting us stay here for a while. They feel so grateful that they're gonna give us medals later on," Pearl explained. "And hopefully some cash… and with cash there comes bitches and with bitches comes sex!" He gave me a toothy smile. He was ready to burst out of excitement. "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SCAM NUMBER 2 IS A COMPLETE SUCCESS!" He hollered joyously.

"We came to save Dawn, not scam anybody. Besides I didn't really save the town. It was that Mesprit thing…" Where did that thing go after it saved me? Better yet, _why_ did it save me? I don't like Pokemon and they don't like me. So why would one save me…?

"You know that, and I know that, but the most important thing is that _they_ don't know that. That's like the basic rule of scamming. My father showed me that one," he said proudly. Why shouldn't he be proud of his dad? His dad owns one of the greatest scamming operations in the world… Pearl stuck his head out the door, watching out for any of his groupies. "Okay, it's clear." We both left the room.

"So where'd you learn to speak French like that?" I asked conversationally as we walked down the deserted hallways. There were identical rooms to the one we were just in on each side of the hall. Pearl grinned and pulled a tiny book from his back pocket. It was titled, 'The Complete Imbecile's Guide to the French language. Easy way to impress girls who don't have a clue what you're saying'.

"Ce livre baise stupéfiant (This book is fucking amazing)!"

"What did you just say?"

"I said Luxrays raped your mother," Pearl said sarcastically.

"You're a dick Pearl…"

"Yeah but I'm the dick you love… Ha ha, you love dicks…"

"And you like it when muscular black men in tight Speedos walk by you on the beach."

"Hey! That was only one time and I was drunk when that happened!"

"Whatever gayness…" I smiled to myself when I saw the furious look on Pearl's face. "Chill out, I was just kidding. So where are Riley, Dawn and Marley?"

"Well, Riley has a dozen news reporters and an entire naval fleet of fangirls, gay men and trainers wanting to be one of his disciples chasing after him right now. Apparently, Riley's really famous around Sinnoh."

"If he's so famous how come we never heard of him before the beach tournament?"

"Beats me. As for the others, Marley is being all emo in a corner somewhere and I don't really know where Dawn is. I think Jack and Jesus are in one of these rooms though…" Pearl looked at the doors on both sides of the hallway. He opened the one he was looking for just enough to let us see who was inside. Jack was lying unconscious on the bed just as I was a few minutes ago. Jesus was standing on his chest with an annoyed look on his face. He pecked at his cheek until he woke up.

"Wake up boy! We have a religion to spread!"

"Ugh… where am I?" Jack said sheepishly. "I remember dragging Diamond and the others to Team Galactic's place and then… nothing." Pearl and I looked at each other. Pearl donned a mischievous grin and pulled two fake mustaches from his pocket. He whispered his plan in my ear. I grinned back at him when he was done.

"You're so evil Pearl."

"I know but it will be funny right?"

"Hell yeah lets do it!" We put on the fake mustaches and kicked Jack's door open all the way. Jack let out a yelp and tumbled out onto the floor.

"It's Satan! Prepare the holy water!" Jack screeched out of confusion.

"Relax Jack. It's just-." Jesus was about to give us away. Pearl quickly scooped him into his arms and snapped his beak shut.

"'Ello enfant!" I greeted in a fake French accent. "My name is Jacques de ItchyNuts. My colleague, Remy Cocksniffer, and I shall be your tour guides." Jack weakly got to his feet. He had a dumbstruck expression on his face.

"Tour guides? W-Where are we?"

"Silly boy, you are in France! The greatest country on le Earth!"

"Sucer sur mes mamelons salés muets baise," Pearl said. (Translation: Suck on my salty nipples dumb fuck.) Jack looked questioningly at him.

"Oh I'm quite sorry. Monsieur Cocksniffer only speaks in our native tongue. He says that we must take you through the ceremony before letting you into the country."

"Ceremony?"

"Oui. All visitors must go through it," I explained.

"What's the ceremony?"

"S'il vous plaît me permettre de tordre vos mamelons jusqu'à ce qu'ils tournent rouge," Pearl said. (Translation: Please allow me to twist your nipples until they turn red.) Jack looked confusedly at me.

"What did he say?"

"He said that in order to get in the country you must allow a German Shepherd to drink fine wine from in between your butt cheeks."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Jack shrieked. He didn't bother putting clothes on and ran out of the room screaming. We broke out into fits of laughter. Pearl released his hold on Jesus. Jesus pecked us both on the forehead.

"That was a dirty prank you pulled. You shall not be going into heaven if you keep it up," Jesus scolded.

"Tell it to someone who cares," I told him back. He turned around and flew down the hallway to catch up with Jack. When he was out of sight we left the room and departed down the path again. Behind us, the thunderous sound of hundreds of footsteps filled the air and made the building tremble. We turned to find Riley jogging ahead of a large crowd of people. They were all feverishly struggling to catch up with Riley just to have a chance to talk to him. But no matter how hard they tried they couldn't catch up with him. Riley didn't even seem to be trying however…

"Hi disciples!" Riley greeted. "I'm just having a morning jog with these nice people! Whoa! Hello there! What's your name?" One of Riley's fangirls leaped out of the crowd and caught Riley by his elbow. However, Riley didn't stop running so she was half- dragged, half-running alongside him.

"M-My name is Cheryl and I'm a huge fan of yours Riley! Um, can I… um, ask you a favor?" She asked.

"What is it?"

"Please sleep with me! PLEASE! It would make me so very happy!" The crowd was starting to catch up with Riley. Riley was forced to run even faster but Cheryl could barely cling on to him anymore.

"You want me to sleep with you? But I'm not tired yet! Maybe if we kept running then we'll both get tired, okay?" Riley said sweetly. She blushed at Riley's innocent misunderstanding. Apparently, this made him even more charming to her… "But are you sure you just want to go to bed with me? That seems kind of boring don't you think?"

"N-No Riley, you don't understand! I want you to put your big- AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" She shrieked. The rest of the crowd almost caught up to her and Riley. She let go of his elbow and got trampled by the speeding mass of people.

"I'm sorry Cheryl but I don't think I own an AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Riley called out to her. He had to sprint just to stay out of reach now. It took me a moment to realize they were coming straight at us, kind of like a deer staring into headlights. Pearl and I finally reacted by sprinting alongside Riley.

"RUN BITCH RUN!" Pearl yelled. Neither of us could keep up with Riley though. We were going to be integrated with the mob soon.

"They're a spirited bunch aren't they?" Riley said cheerfully. Spirited wouldn't be the word I would've used though. I would have said manic or obsessive or maybe even homicidal. "Say hi to Cheryl for me you guys!"

"TAKE ME WITH YOU!" I pleaded, trying my best to keep myself out of the impending mass of bodies.

"NO!" Pearl shrieked. His own fan girls finally found him and integrated him into the crowd. "DIAMOND!" He cried out to me. "TELL MY MOM THAT I DIED AS I LIVED! SEXUALLY!"

"I'LL TRY PEARL!" I yelled back over the crowd's noise.

"AND IF YOU EVER SEE MY DAD AGAIN… TELL HIM HE'S A DUMBASS!"

"WILL DO- YAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" I accidentally tripped over my own feet. The crowd finally caught up and trampled all over me. Sneakers, high heels, loafers, sandals, slippers, every kind of shoe imaginable passed either before my eyes or stamped all over me. I got knocked out again when a particularly fat woman in high heels stepped on my face… Ouchies…

The next time I woke up I was sitting on the first seat in a row of chairs. The line of chairs was set on top of a stage. I was in some kind of auditorium. The chairs faced the same crowd that trampled me before. I wanted to flip every single one of them off but thought better of it. I now had a huge bump on the side of my head from when that fat lady stepped on my head. In the middle of the stage a portly man was standing behind a podium and was speaking to the crowd of people.

"Our first medal of honor goes to Diamond Bartholomew Barbarossa but since he was knocked out by my wife… we have already given him his medal," the man who I presumed to be the mayor of Jubilife City said. I looked down at my chest to find a large gold medal hanging from my neck.

"Our second medal goes to Diamond's best friend and accomplice, Pearl McDoo-Doo-Butt St. Clair!" Everyone besides Pearl, who had just walked up on stage, began to laugh at Pearl's outrageous middle name, McDoo-Doo-Butt. There's a little story to that…

FLASHBACK…

Pearl's mother had just given birth to a son. After she and the father, Palmer, examined him enough they handed him to a nearby nurse. Another nurse came up to Palmer with a clipboard in her arms.

"Okay Mr. St. Clair. What would you like to name your son?" Palmer turned to his wife.

"What do you think honey?" He asked. "I think we should name him something cool and manly like… Vladimir! Or Leon! Or Nintendo Wii!" She considered it for a moment.

"Hmm… I like the name Pearl," She decided. Her husband mulled over her choice.

"Pearl Vladimir St. Clair… I like it!"

"Well I don't. And no we're not doing Leon or Nintendo Wii either," she said. He opened his mouth to suggest something else. "Not Fluffy McDoodle Pants either."

"Damn! So what do you want his middle name to be then?"

"Mickey."

"Mickey?! That's gay!"

"It was my father's name! And if you ever want to have sex again you better go along with what I decide!"

"Ugh… fine!" Palmer said. He turned back to the nurse with the clipboard. "His name is Pear Mic-."

"OH MY GOD!" The nurse holding Pearl shrieked and dropped him back onto the bed.

"What's wrong?" The doctor who delivered the baby asked.

"That kid farted on me and it stinks like hell!" She exclaimed covering her noise.

"Nonsense! Biologically impossible! How could he fart if he hasn't had his first meal yet? You're being- HOLY MOTHER OF GYNECOLOGY!" He screamed. The smell had dispersed throughout the room. Palmer got a whiff of it.

"UGH… DOO DOO BUTT!" Palmer screamed. The nurse with the clipboard looked at him questioningly.

"Um, are you sure you want to name him 'Pearl McDoo-Doo-Butt St. Clair' sir?" She asked. Palmer didn't seem to hear her much due to the commotion in the room.

"Yeah, yeah now get the kid out of here!" The nurses reluctantly took Pearl away, covering their noses the entire time. The Doctor opened a window to let the smell out. "Not even ten minutes out of the womb and he's already waging chemical warfare… We might have the next Saddam Hussein on our hands dear…"

END FLASHBACK…

Pearl snatched his medal angrily out of the mayor's hand and sat down next to me. He hung his head out of shame. I know for a fact that every time he hears his middle name out loud he always wants to crawl in a hole somewhere and die… Once the crowd stopped laughing, the mayor moved on to the next awards.

"The next ones go to Marley McEmo, Jack Lucifarious and uh… Jesus Christ but since we can't we find any of them right now we shall skip over them for now. Next is a man we all know and love… Riley-." Riley's last name was drowned out by the cheering of his legions of fans. As he came on stage, many people in the first row tried to climb up on stage to try and touch him including Cheryl from before. I noticed that Dawn was sitting silently next to Cheryl.

"Um… Hi?" Riley said unsurely to the crowd. He smiled at them all nonetheless before taking a seat next to Pearl.

"The last medal of honor goes to Dawn Josephine Rowan," the mayor finished. Dawn jolted out of surprise.

"M-Me? B-But I-." She stammered.

"Yes you my dear! Come on up!" Once Dawn received her award and sat down next to Riley, the mayor gave his final statements.

"We owe each of you our lives and give you all our deepest gratitude. If there is anything we could do for you-."

"Actually there are a _few_ things you could give us," Pearl said. He pulled out a roll of paper from behind his back. When he unraveled it, it traveled past his knees, over the side of the stage and into the fourth row of seats. "We need… a fleet of limousines, some fine jewelry, a big box of bricks, eighty thousand dollars worth of tacos, a giant puppet of Spiderman, several Rubik's Cubes, a banana phone, a monkey wearing a top hat, a harem of Cambodian prostitutes-." Pearl listed. This is going to take a while… Come back next chapter when this moron's finished…


	30. Two New Additions to the Team

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

"-and a giant animatronic clown head that sings Weird Al songs every hour on the hour," Pearl finished. He spent the past 45 minutes listing our demands. The crowd got bored of him quickly so they stormed the stage and ran off with Riley. Dawn had fallen asleep in her seat while the mayor and I dully half listened to Pearl.

"Are you done _now _lad…?" The mayor asked sheepishly.

"Pretty much. Come with me so we can discuss my terms sir," Pearl said. He and the mayor left the auditorium together. I got out of my seat and shook Dawn awake.

"Wake up Dawn. He's done…" I said. I yawned and shook her some more. "Wake up!" She grudgingly woke up. She smiled at me.

"Hey hero," she greeted.

"So _now _I'm a hero. You didn't seem to think I was ten chapters ago," I retorted playfully. She frowned and stared down at her shoes.

"Diamond I'm sorry…"

"For what?"

"For all the trouble I've been giving you lately. I've been acting like a total b-b-b…"

"Bitch?" I finished. I expected her to yell at me or hit me for that but she didn't. She looked even more saddened.

"Yeah… I didn't mean it when I said you guys take advantage of me or when I said I never wanted to see you again…" She was on the verge of tears. I didn't like seeing her like this.

"Dawn don't lie," I said slightly annoyed. She looked up at me confusedly.

"But I'm not lying-."

"Yes you are. You _did _mean it. We really _do_ take advantage of you (well mostly Pearl). You never wanted to see us again. But you know what? There's nothing wrong with that."

"I-I don't get what you mean…"

"You had every right to be angry at us. You don't have to apologize or say you didn't mean it. No one's stopping you from getting angry. It's better to explode the way you did than to bottle it all up inside Dawn," I told her. Tears streamed from her eyes and fell into her lap. I just _had_ to patch things between us again.

"You have to stop people like Pearl and Cyrus (and sometimes me) from using you Dawn. So the next time we're being dicks to you, give us a swift kick to the nuts. Okay?" I asked gently. She quickly jumped out of her seat. She then flung her arms around my neck and pulled me into a tight hug. She let go of me after a few seconds.

"Okay… Thanks Diamond…" she said wiping away the tears in her eyes.

"No problem. Now let's get the hell out of here…" Dawn and I climbed down the stage and left the meeting hall. We were back on the streets of Jubilife City. It felt nice to be out in fresh air again.

"So where are we going now?" Dawn asked.

"To find Pearl I guess. I need him with me when we take you back to Prof. Rowan." We started walking together towards the middle of town where City Hall was. Pearl would most likely be there trying to get his garbage from the mayor.

"What are you guys going to do after that?" This one puzzled me for a second.

"That's actually a good question… We never really discussed what we going to do now that we're trainers… We've just been wandering around making things up as we go along. (Note from RTJ: That's actually how I write this story XD)"

"Maybe you guys should try and beat the Pokemon League," Dawn suggested.

"Nah. I don't like Pokemon, remember? Pearl might do it because of the cash prize at the end though… But he'll probably say it's too much work… I guess until we figure something out we're stuck scamming people."

"You boys are your wasting you and your pokemon's potential..." A deep voice said from behind us. We turned around to find Professor Rowan walking down the street towards us. He had somehow caught Pearl in a fishnet and was dragging him effortlessly across the pavement. Pearl was clawing savagely at the net, trying to get out.

"Grandpa!" Dawn shrieked excitedly. She hugged him the same way she did to me a few minutes ago.

"I'm glad to see you again my dear. You too Diamond," he greeted.

"What's up nigger?" I said.

"What did you just call me?"

"I asked 'Did your mustache get bigger'."

"Oh. Well yes it has… Anyway, I've heard what you two were saying. I have a proposition for you-."

"GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE OR I'LL TWIST YOUR NUTS OFF WITH A FORK! YOU PIG FACED, ASS RAPING, HORSE KISSING TRANSVESTITE!" Pearl roared. Rowan sighed and let Pearl free.

"I swear boy, you cuss in almost every single time you speak…"

"Fuck you shit bucket!" Pearl fumed with rage as he stood by my side.

"Anyway… I have a solution to your problem boys," Rowan said taking out a bag from his pocket.

"Which problem? Our 'What to do next' problem or Pearl's 'jacking off' problem?" I asked.

"I DON'T JACK OFF!" Pearl shouted.

"YOU'RE A LIAR!" I shouted back.

"YOU'RE A-."

"BOYS! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME SPEAK!" Rowan shouted over us. He glared at us. He looked even more intimidating than he usual does. We immediately stopped fighting. "Good… Now I've got something for you two to do. Here." He pulled two scarlet red computer-like boxes from the bag. He gave one of them to each of us.

"What's this thing?" I asked turning it over in my hands, examining it.

"They're pokedexes. I'm sure you've heard of them right?"

"Yeah. They're those things that give data on Pokemon." I remembered seeing something like that on TV once.

"Yes. I meant to give these to you when I gave you Punchy and Humpy but you both ran out in a hurry. I want you two to fill up its pages," Rowan explained. Pearl and I frowned at him. We were both uninterested with the pokedexes. "Huh? What's wrong? You two should be happy. This is a great honor that is only bestowed to a handful of trainers."

"It seems kind of… boring, don't you think? Just flashing this thing at every Pokemon we see? Couldn't this thing be used for something cooler? Like, I don't know, games or something?" I suggested.

"What?! The pokedex isn't a Nintendo GS-."

"DS."

"WHATEVER! The pokedex is only to be used for research and battle purposes only! It is not a toy or-or a computer or-."

"If it's not a computer how come there's porn in it?" Pearl asked. "Grab your dick and double click for porn, porn, porn…" Pearl sang to himself as he scrolled through the pokedex, now suddenly interested in it.

"What are you talking about boy? There's no porn in the pokedex!"

"Oh yes there is. On this page there's an Asian lady fingering herself. This one has Pikachus getting raped by Nidokings. And on this one there's a picture of Jessie from the Pokemon anime having butt sex with a Meowth. And on this one-." Pearl said. Rowan realized his error and snatched both pokedexes out of our hands.

"Right, sorry… Um, those are the _Porno_dexes, not the Pokedexes..." Rowan said ashamedly. He put the Pornodexes back in the bag and swapped them with two identical machines. He gave them back to us.

"Right… so do you two have any questions before I go on to the next bit of information I need to give you?" He asked. We both raised our hands. He picked me first.

"Why would you _make_ a Pornodex?"

"I-Well-Um… You see-."

"Can I have my Pornodex back?" Pearl asked. I glared at him. "What? It's for uh, research purposes. I'd like to know more about uh, Pokemon mating rituals…"

"Sick bastard…" I thought.

"No you can not have your Pornodex back!" Rowan roared.

"Come on! What the hell are you gonna do with it then? Your nuts are too old and saggy to jack off to it! If I had mine back not only will I learn uh… stuff… Diamond will satisfy all of his needs with his healthy halfway pubescent nuts!" Pearl whined.

"First off, I don't even want to touch that thing, let alone jack off to it. Second, how can you be halfway pubescent? Third and most importantly… You're a homo!" I said.

"You're halfway pubescent is when you can skeet-skeet-skeet but don't have any pubes. And you're the homo!," Pearl explained.

"I have pubes!"

"Sure you do…" he said sarcastically.

"BOYS!" Rowan shouted again. "Please stop getting off topic! Now… do either of you have questions about the _Poke_dex?" Pearl's hand shot up again. Rowan sighed. "Yes Pearl?"

"Can I exchange my pokedex for a Pornodex?" He asked. A bulbous vein popped in Prof. Rowan's forehead out of rage. Dawn noticed it too and tried to calm him down.

"Grandpa! Watch your temper," she warned. "Breath deeply and count to ten." Rowan's chest rose and fell slowly as he mumbled his way to ten. The vein disappeared back into his forehead. Now feeling calmer, he tossed the sack holding the Pornodexes and tossed it into the street. A sixteen wheeler then came by and crushed both Pornodexes. Pearl grimaced at the loss.

"There! Now that that's over with I'll tell you the second thing I want you two to do for me. If you don't accept I'll send you both to jail again and-."

"WHAT?!" We yelled in unison.

"We didn't do anything wrong!" Pearl protested.

"From what Marley and Riley told me, you two attempted to murder a man named Malcolm and traded Marley so you can get free beer. Again, do as I say or you get sent to jail. Understand?" We glared daggers at him. We reluctantly nodded our heads. "Good. As you're both aware, Dawn spent three weeks with Team Galactic. That means she knows clues to their next plans, ranks and machinery. They will probably try and kill her so their internal workings aren't told to anyone. It isn't safe for her to stay at Sandgem anymore due to all the flooding Diamond and Cynthia caused. Therefore, she has to get as far away from here as possible. That's where you two come in." We looked at him puzzled.

"Her father and I both agree that the safest place is Sunyshore City. And we want you two to escort her there." He pulled a town map out of his lab coat's pocket. He circled where Sunyshore was with a pen and gave the map to us.

"That's on the other side of the fucking region! You want us to take her _there_?!" Pearl complained. I pulled him by the arm away from Rowan and Dawn. We huddled our heads together. "Damn! I don't want to take her there! That means we'd have to… _work_…" He said as if the very thought disgusted him.

"I don't want to do it either but do we even have a choice? We can't go back to jail again…"

"Yeah. I guess you're right…" We turned back to face Rowan. "Fine. We'll take Dawn there… on one condition! I'm fining you 1 million dollars for our services." Rowan was absolutely flabbergasted.

"What!? One million dollars!? Didn't you just get a bunch of awards and gifts from the mayor already?"

"Well yes and no… I'll tell you guys later… Anyway, 1 million. Take it or leave it!"

"Damn! I knew this would happen… I'd much rather leave her in Riley, Marley or Cynthia's care but they can't help much right now…"

"Why?" I asked.

"Marley went off to the Canalave library to figure out what those passwords mean; Cynthia is still trying to fix Sandgem Beach and Riley is probably getting raped by a groupie in an alley right now. That means that you two are the only ones that I confide in right now. Are you up to the task?"

"Ugh… fine! But you're not getting out of paying us! If you forget I'm going to do horrible things to puppies!" Pearl threatened.

"I wouldn't dream of going against my word Pearl," Rowan said back.

"Okay. Come on you guys, I have something to show you at the Pokemon center…" Pearl said mysteriously before sprinting back to the Pokemon center.

"W-Wait up!" I said before running after him. It was useless though, he never slows down… Rowan sighed and looked into Dawn's eyes.

"Why do you trust those two so much Dawn? They're both such, such-."

"Idiots?" Dawn finished for him.

"Yes…"

"I know. But they're my idiot friends. We'll all be fine." She grinned at him one last time before running after us. Pearl had made it to the Pokemon center before Dawn and me. I opened the doors and looked around for him. He was sitting on the counter in front of Nurse Joy. He was now wearing large blowtorching goggles that had numerous buttons on the sides. A large antenna protruded from the back of the strap. Music was coming from the strange goggles as Pearl sang.

And if you ask me too

Daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird

I'mma give you the world

I'mma buy a diamond ring for you

I'mma sing for you

I'll do anything for you to see you smile

And if that mockingbird don't sing and that ring don't shine

I'mma break that birdies neck

I'll go back to the jeweler who sold it to ya

And make him eat every carat don't fuck with dad (haha)

I didn't notice until now that Pearl was cradling a little girl in his arms. She had waist length black hair, a ragged yellow shirt, denim shorts that had mud spots all over them and sandals. From the looks of it, Pearl had just sung her to sleep. Pearl laid her out on the counter and walked over to me and Dawn.

"Keep your voices down you guys. Toto is sleeping," he said.

"Who. The. Hell. Is. TOTO!?" I yelled angrily. Pearl covered my mouth with his hand and glanced nervously at 'Toto'. She was still sleeping peacefully on the counter.

"Damn Diamond! I told you to keep it down!"

"What the hell are you doing with those fucked up goggles and a small child?" Why does something like this _always _happen when Pearl walks away from me? I seem to recall when Prof. Rowan officially gave him Humpy; he got away for three minutes and blew up a Pokemon center…

"Not _just_ the goggles and Toto! I also got this candy bar," he said taking a bite out of said candy bar. "The mayor was being a tight ass and didn't want to give me everything I asked for. I was about to beat his hairy when he gave me these goggles. He said that they can be used to see through stuff, extend telescopically, download porn, can be used as a cell phone (he points to the antenna in the back) and much, much more!" He said excitedly.

"What about the little girl?" Dawn asked.

"Well, I told him that these goggles were nice but they weren't enough to satisfy my exquisite tastes. So he took me to the local Orphanage. He gave me an aspiring speech about child raising. He inspired me to adopt one of the orphans. I told him to throw in the candy bar and I would be compensated. I am now the proud father of Topaz St. Clair! YAYNESS! And _you're_ the uncle Diamond! DOUBLE YAYNESS!"

This was way too much for me to handle. I looked from Pearl to Dawn to the sleeping Topaz and back to Pearl. I turned on my heel to leave.

"Where are you going?" Dawn asked.

"I'm going to go drown myself now…"


	31. Side Story 3: The 300 Special Part 1

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Okay. I know I haven't written in a couple of weeks, the reason being is that I've kind of been preoccupied lately. I've actually had the _real_ Chapter 31 done a while ago but I just didn't feel like uploading it (I'm a lazy arse, I know…). I was about to upload it but, a sudden burst of inspiration came to me.

You see people; I saw a commercial for a new movie coming out that I'm sure you've heard of. This movie is called Meet the Spartans AKA Epic Movie 2… My friends told me that Epic Movie 1 wasn't really that funny and it kind of sucked. So, with my interest piqued I saw the movie too. It. Was. Shit!

So I was like 'What the fuck!?' when I heard they were going to make a movie making fun of 300 which is, in my opinion, one of the greatest movies ever made. If a spoof just _had_ to be made about 300 I wouldn't entrust the making of it with the director of Epic Movie. Then I started thinking. _I_ could probably write a better spoof than they can! So instead of the previously planned chapter here it is, the Diamond Fists 300 Special!

Cast:

Diamond as King Leonidas

Dawn as Queen Gorgo

Myself as Narrator/ Dilios

Volkner (Yes. Volkner) as Theron

Riley as Stelios

Flint as Captain Artemis

Buck as Captain Artemis' younger brother

Probopass (XD) as the Deformed Hunchback Guy Ephialtes

Jack as Leonidas' son

Pearl as (It's a secret…)

Our story begins at the royal palace of the soon to be King Diamond. The boy is seven years at the time, any day now he will be sent out into the wilderness to become a powerful trainer for the glory and honor of Sparta- Er, Sinnoh… He will be bred to be the mightiest of kings Sinnoh has ever had. Until that day comes…

"I'm Miss American Dream since I was 17, don't matter if I step on the scene, or sneak away to the Philippines, they still gonna put pictures of my derriere in the magazine- OW!" Diamond sang as he walked around the palace with his parents until his father Anaxandridas (I'm going for historical accuracy here) unexpectedly smacked him over the head with his scepter. "What the hell father!?"

"You are soon going to be a man of Sinnoh! You can't be singing gay songs that haven't even been invented yet! We're in- like, 500 B.C Greece for Zeus' sake!" Diamond ignored his father and ran off into the nearby field of flowers.

"OMG! Flowers!" He shrieked out of delight. He picked a couple of dandelions out of the ground and blew their seeds into the air.

"Why is my son so gay?!" Anaxandridas fumed so loudly that some of the palace guards turned their heads to look at him. "What the fuck are you guys looking at?!" The queen gripped him by his shoulders.

"Please don't be so angry with the boy, my king," she pleaded. He slowly turned to look at her. The enraged expression was still lingering on his face.

"You… This is _your_ fault! You produced such a queer son! I should have you crucified! GUARDS!" Anaxandridas roared. Five guards came over with amazing speed. They all surrounded the queen; each of them had a spear pointed at her throat. Instead of getting afraid, she scowled at all of them.

"Someone's gonna get an ass whooping…" Diamond muttered to himself. He had seen the same type of scenario at least a dozen times.

"Okay first off, that boy over there has half of your DNA. If he got his gayness (Diamond: I'm not gay…) from anyone, it might as well be you because I don't need 5 _guys_ with _big, wooden sticks_ to threaten my _wife_… if I had one. Second, go get your sorry asses back to your posts before I shove those spears in a place you'll never get them out of!" She shrieked at the guards. They all ashamedly went back to their posts. "Now… if he really is that big of a problem to you lets go make _another_ son to replace him…" She said.

"But what will we do with Diamond?"

"Just send him out into the wilderness for military training like he's supposed to do. Most boys die out there anyway. If a regular boy can barely make it, I doubt that that a queer boy like him (Diamond: Damn it! I'm not gay you assholes! I've just retained my friggin' innocence!) will ever make it."

"I like the way you think…Diamond! You're going to Snowpoint to become a man! A man with a huge cock!"

"Huh?" Diamond uttered before the guards picked him up by the armpits and dragged him away. "I'll murder both of you when I come back!" His parents had ignored him and turned to leave.

"Hey, this time can you _not _spank me with a tree branch, pour honey on me or call me your sexy man breasted Hercules?" Anaxandridas asked hopefully.

"Uh… we'll see honey…"

"GAAAAAAHHH!" Diamond shrieked as he got dragged away.

Diamond was forced to stay in the cold countryside of Snowpoint. Barely clothed, he trudged through the snow, looking for a wild Pokemon to partner with. His only weapons were his wits and his spear on his quest to becoming strong…

"I want my Mommy!" Diamond shrieked.

…Okay… He's not strong yet but he'll get there… On his journey, he met a sadistic Chimchar (as to what a Chimchar is doing in a blizzard I do not know…) that, upon sight of him, started beating the crap out of Diamond. For hours the two battled against each other… Eventually Diamond got tired of this and whacked the Chimchar over the head with his spear. Claiming the Pokemon as his own he named it Punchephalus (Only the truly educated will get what the name is referencing to… think Alexander the Great…). The duo then spent the next few years training together; the constant beatings they gave each other made them both strong.

When Diamond had come of age he took revenge on his parents by murdering every single guard they had, pissing in their drinks and setting their palace on fire.

"WHY SON WHY!?" Anaxandridas shrieked out of grief.

"I'M NOT GAY!" Diamond yelled back before stabbing his father in his groin with a spear. Diamond had finally become king of Sparta- I mean Sinnoh… In only a few years, he married Queen Dawn, had a son named Jack and led Sinnoh to countless military victories (Diamond: LMAO our Pokemon totally PWNED you Athens- Damn. I mean Hoenn). The general population looked up to him and to them; Sinnoh was untouchable… until _they_ came.

"I like to eat, eat, eat apples and bananas. Ate, ate, ate ay-ples and ba-nay-nays. Eat, eat, eat ee-ples and ba-nee-nees. Ite, ite, ite i-ples and ba-ny-nys," Diamond and Jack sang as they and Dawn were taking stroll to the town square.

"Could you two please stop singing that?" Dawn pleaded. "The townspeople will think we're a family of faggots." Diamond rolled his eyes.

"In case you don't remember, I'm the king around here. If anyone says smack about me I'll just get a Rhyperior to rape them up the ass! HARU!" He shouted and thumped his chest savagely. Everyone in the immediate area thumped their chests in unison.

"HARU! HARU!" They shouted back. Diamond smirked at Dawn.

"That's right! You see Dawn? I'm the most powerful king on this Earth! No one can touch me!"

"That's where you're wrong…" The atmosphere became quiet and tense as everyone stopped what they were doing to see where the voice came from. Someone was going to get a Rhyperior up the ass cheeks… Diamond looked around to find a convoy of dark skinned strangers riding Camerupts coming towards them. The one in front got off of his Camerupt and strolled casually towards the royal family.

"Uh, what's up Blacky?" Diamond greeted, unsure of what to do. The dark man simply grinned at him. He had numerous piercings dotting his face. He was wearing robes made of leathers and silks. Diamond could tell he wasn't from Sinnoh (besides from the skin) because most men usually went around topless here.

"That makes you mistaken two times my friend. We are not black; we are Persian," he explained. The townspeople all gasped at once. The women and children all ran back inside their homes. The men crowded around Diamond, ready to fight at a moment's notice. As all of them knew, Persia had enough power to crush not only Sinnoh but all of Greece as well. Diamond, however smirked at the Persian.

"And my second error?" He asked politely.

"Your second, or rather your first, was believing that you are the most powerful king on Earth. That role has been already filled by his Holiness King Xerxes."

"Xerxes? Never heard of him. Maybe you could arrange a meeting with him so we could discuss who the better ruler is over tea and crumpets," Diamond said sarcastically. Dawn gripped him by the elbow.

"Diamond don't…"

"Relax Dawn…" He said assuredly.

"Ahem," the messenger said. "Let's just get down to business Diamond. His Majesty wants to extend his empire to Greece, take every Greek kingdom's queen a personal sex slave (Dawn gasped and hid behind Diamond), and make the people of Greece worship him as God of the world. He would be most pleased if you just surrendered now," he explained. Diamond's men turned to him. They would rather die than ever surrender to any Iranian bastard.

"Hmm… you're very straightforward. I like that. So I'll be straightforward as well… HELL NO!" Diamond shouted in his face.

"HARU!" His army shouted. They all took out their spears and pointed them at the Persian messenger.

"What?! You do not understand! Xerxes controls millions of troops that can be deployed at any time. He has equipped himself with most pokemon from around the world! How can you even think of fighting him?" He asked.

"You may have more troops but we have more heart, more fortitude, more pride!" The messenger pulled Diamond away from his troops to talk to him privately.

"Listen to me Diamond. If you won't listen to reason, listen to this second condition. Xerxes only wants to conquer Greece so he can acquire two things. If you give them to us now he will still claim control of Greece but you will be allowed to still govern your people."

"What are those two things?" Diamond asked. He doubted that he was going to give him anything but he might as well hear it.

"Xerxes desires the letters A and L from the Greek alphabet," he said simply.

"Huh?"

"Yes. Once he conquers Greece, he conquers your language. And when he conquers the language he will therefore conquer those letters. When he makes them his own only Persians will be allowed to use them."

"But what does he- Why does he- What?" Diamond stuttered. He was completely baffled by this. Why would anyone want to conquer some letters?

"Like I said before, show us how to make the letters and we shall spare your lives."

"Uh… Never!" Diamond shouted. He would show them how to make them if he could but he, like most people of Sinnoh, was illiterate. "I' use nd when I w nt. Wh t the he ?" For some reason he couldn't say the A and L sounds. He looked around. One of the Persians was chanting to himself.

"Don't be alarmed Diamond. He's just showing you what its like without A and L," the messenger explained.

"Screw you Persi n!" Diamond said. He turned to one of his guards. "Ki him!" He ordered. The guard tossed his spear at the chanting Persian. It him directly in the neck, killing him instantly.

"Enough of this! Our letters are ours alone, not Xerxes'! Alexis likes to lick lavish apples like an angry lollipop armada!" Diamond said. The messenger gasped at both the savagery and blatant usage of A and L. "Tell Xerxes that… This! Is! CAKETOWN! Er… I mean… SINNOH!" Diamond then kicked the Persian down the conveniently placed bottomless pit behind him. Diamond's army then proceeded with tossing the rest of the Persians down the pit. "Damn we're awesome!"


	32. Side Story 4: The 300 Special Part 2

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

I do not own Pokemon or 300.

So it had been decided that Sinnoh was going to go to war against Persia. These were deeply troubling times for King Diamond. What disturbed him the most was the fact that Xerxes only wanted to conquer them to get two letters of the alphabet (and sex slaves). No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't find any reason behind it.

"Damn! If only I could just read and write and we wouldn't be in this mess…" Diamond complained to himself. "And I wouldn't have to be climbing this freaking mountain to talk to those old assholes…" Presently Diamond was climbing up the Mountain of the Ephors.

The Ephors were a group of elderly, leprous, inbred swines… Sinnoh tradition forced the king (Diamond) to seek their blessing before participating in any war. Diamond had a certain distaste for the ephors so usually he had to pay them in gold and women…

"Screw this!" Diamond said as he reached the edge of a tiny cliff embedded in the mountain. "Punchephalus!" He shouted before releasing it next to him. The fierce training they both undergone had turned the Chimchar from the blizzard into a mighty Infernape. But some things never change because as usual, Punchephalus punched Diamond in the mouth. "Nice to see you too…" Diamond muttered in obvious pain. He pulled a tooth out of his mouth that Punchephalus knocked out. Punchephalus clapped and chuckled at him.

"Rock climb!" Diamond ordered. Punchephalus, instead of letting him on its back, grabbed him by the cape and forcefully tossed Diamond to the top of the mountain. "GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! MY SPINE!" Diamond shrieked as he collided painfully into the temple of the Ephors. Punchephalus climbed the rest of the mountain by itself in a matter of seconds. Punchephalus broke into tears of laughter he saw Diamond in pain.

"Why don't you ever carry me?" Diamond asked, getting back on to his feet.

(You just said to rock climb. You never said anything about carrying you.) Punchephalus said.

"I must say, unceremonious entrances are your forte Diamond," a drawling yet feeble voice said from out of nowhere. Diamond turned around to find five hooded strangers. The only parts of their bodies visible were their hands which were decrepit, scarred and covered in boils. These were the ephors…

"Diamond, Diamond, RA, RA, RA!" The other four ephors chanted.

"Right…" Diamond said.

"Right, right, RA, RA, RA!"

"Stop that!" Diamond ordered.

"Stop that; stop that, RA, RA, RA!"

"Enough!" The first Ephor commanded. The others all fell silent.

"I suppose you already know why I'm here," Diamond said lazily. He really wanted to get this over with… He couldn't stand being with the ephors for very long…

"Why yes we do. You're here to receive our blessing before you go off to commit the suicide of our civilization. The wind has told us of these things," the leader said mysteriously.

"Told us the wind has," another said.

"To us the wind doth whispered secrets."

"Wind has the us these things to of… uh? What was I supposed to say?" The others all sighed at the fourth one.

"Jerry if you're not gonna practice your mysticism then don't bother showing up at the meetings," the first one scolded.

"Sorry…"

"Anyway… We deeply disagree with you going against Persia but it is not really up to us to decide. Rather it is the Fates' and the-."

"Oracle. I know…" Diamond finished for him.

"Right. You know the procedure by now I presume?"

"Unfortunately yes… Punchephalus," He beckoned. Punchephalus jumped off the side of the mountain and in a couple of seconds later he came back carrying a large burlap sack in its arms. Diamond took the bag from him and kneeled before the ephors.

"I, the king of Sinnoh, present these gifts to you ancient fags- I- I mean Fate Diviners. I give to you a puppy," Diamond said pulling a Growlithe out of the bag. The fifth Ephor took it into his arms. He inspected it thoroughly as if it was a piece of meat.

"Hmm… A high quality Growlithe. We shall make an excellent meal out of him. Fine. First gift accepted." Savages…

"The second gift are these paintings of my wife Dawn in the nude…" Diamond pulled out a few slabs of rock out of his bag. The people of Sinnoh are a warrior race. They have no patience or skill in the arts so these 'paintings' were no more than stick figures drawn on rocks. He handed them to the Ephor named Jerry. He inspected them like his comrade did before him.

"Ooh… You've got quite the wife there Diamond. So curvy… So supple… Hey Malcolm?" He pointed at the head Ephor. And yes it's the same Malcolm from the story XD.

"What is it Jerry?"

"Can I uh… go into the back room for about three minutes? I have to make um… the little white soldiers go marching if you know what I mean…" Perverts…

"But those are just stick figures Jerr- Come back!" Jerry had already ran off into the back of the temple. Malcolm sighed. "Fine. Whatever, go do what you will… I want to make the soldiers go marching after this so don't get any on those pictures!" He shouted to him.

"Will do! Come here Queen Dawn… Yeah you like that don't you bitch…" Jerry muttered to himself.

"Ahem…" Diamond said bringing the focus back to him. "Next is a bottle of some of the finest wine in all of Greece- Punchephalus!" Punchephalus had taken the wine out of the bag and chugged it all down when they weren't looking. "Ass cheeks… Moving on then…" He couldn't see his eyes from under his hood but Diamond could tell the third Ephor was glaring at him.

"Next, I give you ten pounds of gold and silver coins- AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" The second Ephor kicked the bag of coins out of his hands. He leaned towards Diamond so their faces were only a few inches apart.

"Fool! We have no need for money! We are rich beyond your wildest dreams! You dishonor us!" He shouted. Bits of spit and old food flew from his mouth and onto to Diamond's face.

"Rich? RICH!? How could a bunch of cantankerous old horny bastards _ever_ become wealthy!?" Diamond shouted back, losing his temper. He got back to his feet and quickly pulled out a dagger from his waist and pointed at the Ephor's throat. "Maybe you got your _oracle _to do prostitution work for you but that can't possibly be the case. Because no matter how much you pretend, you guys are neither pimps nor do you control me! You will accept whatever I give you… Understood!?" The offending Ephor fearfully nodded his head. "Good… Now pick that shit up," he said pointing the dagger at the scattered coins on the ground. The Ephor dropped on to all fours and frantically picked up the coins.

"I've had enough of these games. Take me to the oracle…" Diamond demanded.

"As you wish…" Malcolm said.

Little did Diamond know that the Ephors had gained their riches from Xerxes himself… Their job was to stop Diamond from going to war with Persia. Normally they would just refuse to accept his gifts and send him back to Sinnoh. But since he had Punchephalus (not to mention having them all at dagger point) they had no choice but to take him to the oracle.

The oracle was always nothing more than a pretty young girl of Sinnoh. The Ephors always either drugged her or forced her to get drunk when it was time to make a prophecy. From her random gyrations and babbling the Ephors could tell if it was right to go to war or not. Diamond thought that this was all unnecessary and inhumane because most of the time, the Ephors get so excited that they molest the poor girl right after she makes the prophecy.

"Yo Jerry! Get Marley out here! We're doing a prophecy!" Malcolm ordered.

"Shit! Really? Hold on, don't start without me!" Jerry shouted from the back room. In a few minutes Jerry returned leading a pale, barely clothed girl that Diamond presumed to be Marley. Her head was rocking lazily back and forth and she looked like she was going to fall over if Jerry let go of her. They had already drugged her…

"Go on girl, tell us what the gods are saying," Jerry urged as he gently pushed her in front of me. To Diamond's surprise she didn't fall over.

"… Ninety-nine cents off of… popcorn chick- chicken… at KFC… my iguana is itchy… Hold your mayonnaise… until after the pianists are- are- done w-with- their French fries…" She grumbled. She then for no apparent reason tossed her shirt off and fell asleep on the floor.

"NIPPLES! NIPPLES! RA RA RA!" All of the ephors except Malcolm shouted in unison. They all lifted her up and departed to the back room to do… well we don't really want to know do we?

"Poor thing… She can't even fight back…" Diamond muttered to himself.

"So. There you have it Diamond. You can not go to war with Persia," Malcolm said.

"Huh? Why not?"

"Because Marley's prediction said so."

"That wasn't a prediction! That was just random babbling!"

"That's where you're wrong my friend. Obviously she wants us to go to Mass on Christmas Day which happens to be tomorrow. You can not go to war on a holy day."

"Bullshit! Christianity hasn't been invented yet!" Diamond said back in defense.

"Well, uh, um… YOU CAN'T GO TO WAR!" Malcolm shouted, unable to think of a good enough reason to stop Diamond. Diamond sighed and turned away from him.

"I see that this was a complete waste of time (which I knew it was going to be). I'll fight without your blessing…"

"NO! You can't! H-Hades will rape you with fire demons, err… Zeus will shoot you down with lightning bolts! A Cyclops will eat your entire army! Medusa will-."

"I'll take my chances… Like I said before Malcolm, you don't control me… We are going to war with Persia and nothing will stop us now! Come Punchephalus!" Punchephalus tossed Diamond down the mountainside. "Why didn't you carry me… again…?" Diamond asked when he painfully hit the bottom of the mountain.

(You still didn't ask!) Punchephalus said back before climbing down the side of the mountain.

"Pack up Marley and the gold boys!" Malcolm commanded. "When Xerxes finds out we failed to stop him we're all gonna get crucified!"

Later that night…

Diamond and Punchephalus had silently snuck into the Palace's bedroom so they wouldn't wake up Dawn. Diamond stripped off all of his clothes and stared out over the balcony. Sinnoh was such a beautiful place… Was he really going to risk it all just for some letters? He looked over at Dawn. He wouldn't just lose those letters… he'd lose her too…

"Gods this sucks…" He said to himself.

"Diamond? Is that you?" Diamond's tiny utterance was enough to wake Dawn. She got out of bed and ran over to hug him. She let go as soon as she realized he was naked. "Uh… is there any reason for you being naked?"

"Not really… I just like how the breeze feels on my ding dong…"

"Right… So how did the meeting go? Did they do that stupid oracle thing again?"

"It went awful as usual and yes they did the oracle thing again…" Dawn giggled to herself.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Was she prettier than me? You know the ephors always look for one of the prettiest girls in Sinnoh."

"Those bastards aren't looking hard enough then. Because I see the prettiest girl in Sinnoh right in front of me," Diamond said. He lifted her into his arms and carried her over to the bed. "Let us commence with some slow motion humping!"

"Just cover up this time, I don't want another Jack on our hands…"

Right… The next day…

Diamond awoke suddenly the next morning. Dawn was already clothed and was staring at the city from the balcony, just as he did last night. He grinned to himself as he went over to her.

"Well?" He asked.

"Well what?"

"How was it? Was I your sexy king of pleasure?" They both laughed at that.

"Well… Let's just say… as long as there's motion in the ocean the size of the boat doesn't matter," she replied.

"That's good- Wait a minute! Are you saying I have a small-?"

"See you later sweetie!" Dawn quickly said before kissing him on the cheek and running downstairs.

"Zeus damn it…" Diamond muttered. He looked outside one last time. This was going to be one hell of a day…


	33. Side Story 5: The 300 Special Part 3

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

I do not own Pokemon or 300.

Before leaving the palace Diamond assembled all of the things he needed for battle (His spear, his shield, his dagger, his helmet and Punchephalus). He was going down to the city gates where Captain Flint and their assembled forces were waiting.

"Diamond! Wait up!" Someone beckoned. Diamond turned around to find Captain Volkner running towards him. Diamond stopped to let Volkner catch up.

"Volkner? What are you still doing here? Aren't you supposed to be helping Flint organize the troops?" Diamond questioned.

"Huh? Oh, well the council found it necessary to keep me here…" Volkner explained.

"Whatever… Volkner, listen for a second. It is very important."

"Yes my lord?"

"I know that Sinnoh's army is the greatest army in Greece but…" Diamond looked mournfully down at the ground. "… There's always the possibility that I might die... In the event that I do die I want you take care of Dawn and Jack. Especially Jack. Make him the man that my father and I would be proud of."

"A man with a huge cock sir?"

"Exactly."

"You can count on me sir," Volkner lied. Diamond didn't know it but the Ephors weren't the only ones who betrayed him to Xerxes. Diamond shook Volker's hand before opening the gates to the outskirts of town. He found Captain Flint handing out weapons and pokeballs to their army. Diamond scanned around to get an estimate of how many soldiers they were going with.

"Captain Jew! How many are there?" Diamond asked.

"For the last time Diamond, just because I have a funky red afro doesn't mean I'm Jewish!" Flint retorted.

"Whatever… Jew…"

"I heard that!"

"Just tell me how many trainers we have Flint."

"Exactly 300 sir," Flint said. Diamond examined his army. He imagined that there'd be much more… Among them was Diamond's old mentor Riley and Captain Flint's younger brother Buck.

"I'm not pleased…" Diamond said.

"Huh? Why not?"

"For starters, Buck's here."

"Why's that a problem?" Buck asked back in defense.

"You're both a Jew and a virgin. And if Flint dies who's gonna carry on his family name?"

"Listen here you son of a bitch-"

"BUCK!" Flint roared. "How dare you speak to your king that way!?"

"How dare I speak to him that way? What? If you want I could say it a different way, like with a Russian accent or something," Buck said sarcastically. He turned back to Diamond. "Look-a here you son of a bitchski-."

"That's not what I meant and you know it!" Diamond put up a hand to quiet Flint down.

"No Flint. I will deal with him myself. So…" Diamond said turning back to Buck. "Do you have a problem with my less than pleasedness?" He asked. Flint tapped him on the shoulder.

"Um… Pleasedness isn't a-."

"I know pleasedness isn't a word Flint!"

"Focus dickface!" Buck shouted. "Yes I have a problem. How does being a virgin stop me from being a good fighter?"

"You forgot that you're also a Jew-."

"WE'RE NOT JEWS!" Buck and Flint shrieked at the same time.

"Don't care… And you can't be a virgin and a good fighter because in order to be a good fighter you need to be a man and in order to be a man you need to bang someone's pussy out," Diamond explained. Taking the fight as a distraction, the army broke their ranks and started making small talk. Flint rolled his eyes and joined them as Buck and Diamond continued arguing.

"Shut up asshole! I bet you've never had sex before either!"

"Queen Dawn would beg to differ, peasant!"

"Yeah but I bet she doesn't enjoy it!"

"Well according to her 'As long as there's motion in the ocean the si- uh… nevermind…" Diamond stopped himself from repeating what she had told him this morning. Buck gave him a questioning look.

"What were you gonna say?"

"Nothing! I wasn't gonna say anything!" Diamond said frantically.

"Liar. I think I've heard that phrase before… As long as there's motion in the ocean the… the… I can't remember…"

"Uh, I can finish it! It's uh… As long as there's motion in the ocean the uh… sailors get home safely and reproduce?" Diamond tried to keep Buck on the wrong track.

"No. That's not it. I think I remember now. It's 'As long as there's motion in the ocean the… the size of the boat doesn't matter! HA! You have a small dick!" Diamond grabbed his crotch.

"Don't be hating on these candies Dr. Dentist! They may be small but they've still seen more action than you faggot!"

"Woman!"

"Whore biscuit!"

"Ass biter!"

"Yahweh's bitch!"

"PRO- ABORTION STATEMENT!"

"DIE!" They both whipped their spears out at the same time. They each charged at the other, spears over their heads, rage in their eyes. Riley noticed this and tossed his spear in between them. Diamond and Buck both collided into the spear and fell to the ground. Riley merrily skipped over to Diamond's side while Flint ran over to Buck's side. The men both helped the boys back on to their feet.

"Save that energy for the Persians you guys," Riley said. He happily poked Diamond's nose. Diamond angrily smacked away and looked over at his disassembled army.

"Assholes! Get back into your ranks! I'm not paying you to stand around! I'm paying you to fight senseless battles that could've been avoided through peaceful resolution and managing to come home alive!" Diamond roared. His army quickly assembled into their ranks again. "That's what I thought you jerk offs! We wasted too much time already, lets go!" Diamond led the way with Flint directly behind him, Riley after him, then Buck, then the rest of the army. After just five minutes Diamond got bored.

"Hmm… Lets do something mindless and repetitive but greatly satisfying in the end," Diamond told the 300 as they continued down their path.

"Like what? Homework?" One of them suggested.

"Jacking off?"

"Going to church?"

"Effort value training?"

"Nice tries but you're all wrong. I appreciate the effort though. Oh and that EV training one made me lol," Diamond said.

"I try sir." The fourth one said.

"You succeed. We are going to do military chanting! I DON'T KNOW I'VE BEEN TOLD!"

"I DON'T BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD!" They repeated.

"ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD!"

"ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD!"

"TO LOSE WEIGHT YOU MUST BE ACTIVE!"

"TO LOSE WEIGHT YOU MUST BE ACTIVE!"

"I DON'T FIND THE GIRLS IN JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S VIDEOS ATTRACTIVE!"

"I DON'T FIND THE GIRLS IN JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S VIDEOS ATTRACTIVE!"

"THERE ARE NUM NUMS IN MY BELLY!"

"THERE ARE NUM NUMS IN MY BELLY!"

"OMG! THAT PUSSY'S SMELLY!"

"OMG! THAT PUSSY'S SMELLY!"

"HOLD UP BRO I HAVE AN ITCH!"

"I'D LIKE TO BUT I CAN NOT STAY!"

"I'D LIKE TO BUT I CAN NOT STAY!"

"BUCK IS SO INCREDIBLY GAY!"

"BUCK IS SO INCREDIBLY- HEY!" Buck roared. "I'LL KILL YOU!" Buck whipped out his spear again and chased after Diamond.

"Have to catch me first fat ass!" Diamond said before running ahead of the group. Flint sighed.

"Damn… Can we really win with such a childish king?" He asked Riley.

"Don't worry about it Flint. I trained Diamond. I know he won't let us down!" Riley said with a grin.

"If you say so…"

I'm sorry it took so long to right this one up. Due to the length of the 300 special I think I might divide it into groups of three while putting up normal chapters in between them. I envision myself making at least 9 300 chapters. I really don't want to put up that many but with the way I write these things I don't see any other way. The length of the story in general has been bothering me lately. We're over 30 chapters yet Diamond and Pearl haven't made it past Jubilife City. I may have to do something unconventional with them to make things go faster…


	34. Riley Just Loves to Sleep Around

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

"Daddy where are we going? Daddy I'm tired of walking, can you carry me? Daddy I'm hungry can we have ice cream? Daddy why do you look so angry? Are you going to stuff me into a burlap bag and beat me with a stick like my real daddy used to do? Daddy, why are you sleeping?" Topaz whined as we headed for the eastern exit to Jubilife City. Pearl had been leading the way with Topaz clinging to his arm. Dawn and I walked side by side snickering at Pearl's suffering. When he couldn't take it anymore, he fell onto his back with his eyes closed.

"Pearl, what the hell are you doing?" I asked him nudging him with my foot.

"I'm just waiting to die…" Pearl said irritably. I grabbed his hand and pulled him back onto his feet.

"Parenting isn't as fun as you thought it would be huh?" I asked, slightly out of mockery.

"Bite me Diamond… Topaz!" He called.

"Yes Daddy?"

"I'll answer all of your questions in order. We're going to Oreburgh City, no I will not carry you but you can ride on Brokeback instead, I wish we could but no we can't have ice cream, I'm angry because the sound of your whining is making my ears bleed, and yes I _will_ stuff you in a sack and beat you if you don't SHUT THE HELL UP!" Topaz looked up at him, her lip quivering, and her eyes full of tears. Pearl realized what he's just done and tried to fix it. "Oh no… No sweetie, Daddy didn't mean it! Daddy loves his little Toto-."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" She shrieked. She burst into a violent fit of tears. We all covered our ears to block out the sound.

"SHIT PEARL! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" I yelled over Topaz's noise.

"FUCK YOU ASSBAG!"

"SUCK ON THE HAIRIEST PART OF MY ASS NUT PINCHER!"

"DON'T MAKE ME GET A WRENCH AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR-."

"STOP! STOP! EVERYONE JUST STOP!" Dawn shrieked. Pearl and I stopped quarreling immediately but Topaz continued to bawl. "We have to do something to stop her!"

"She's right!" I said. "Dawn, you stay here and try and console her. Pearl, go get balloons or something. I'll go back to get some ice cream!"

"No need!" Pearl shouted. "I'm her father, I should handle this!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Topaz wailed.

"Uh… nevermind! Let's go!" Dawn got down to Topaz's eye level while Pearl and I sprinted down separate roads. I looked around for the ice cream truck we passed by before. I glanced down an alleyway and stopped when I saw who was in there.

"Riley?" I called. Riley was sleeping in just his boxers next to a dumpster. He had his arm around the waist of some unknown woman. She was stripped down to her bra and panties. I cautiously took a few steps into the alley to get a closer look. I recognized the girl as Riley's crazy fan girl, Cheryl. "Did I miss out on something fun over here?"

"Not exactly…" Riley uttered. He sheepishly got back to his feet and grinned at me. He reached out a hand to poke me in the nose like he always did but I slapped his hand to the side before he could.

"Riley what are you doing here? And what happened to your clothes?"

"My fans got uh… overexcited. They stole my clothes and sold them on the internet… But it's okay though. I personally like walking around in my nastys," he said pointing to his underpants.

"Right… But why are you here with her?"

"Fulfilling a promise," he said simply.

"Huh?"

"I made a promise to her remember? When we were having that fun run with those nice people?" I thought back to it. I wouldn't have considered that a _fun_ run. I absentmindedly felt where the fat lady in heels stomped on my head.

"Yeah I remember. She's that crazy chick that wanted you to sleep with her."

"Exactly. So after my fans stopped stealing my clothes and taking pictures of my candies (appropriate grab to the crotch from Riley), I set out to look for her. I found her being stuffed into a cabinet by the Pokemon Center Chanseys. I was still being tailed by fans of course, so I took her into this here back alley. She was really sweaty so I took her dress off. Then I fell asleep next to her, just like she asked," Riley explained longwindedly. He yawned and put his hat back on his head. "Well that was a nice little nap. I'm still not sure why she'd just want to sleep with me though… Oh well!" He said happily. "Hand me those pokeballs over there would ya?"

I turned around to find about a dozen pokeballs on the floor. I picked them up and handed them to him. He sifted through the pile of them and found the one he was looking for. He released a Salamence in front of us.

"What are you doing Riley?" I asked.

"Since Marley's the one tracking down Team Galactic now there's no reason for me to help out for now. I'm going back to Iron Island for some training. See you around disciple!" He gave me another poke to the nose before climbing on to Salamence's back. "Oh and when Cheryl wakes up tell her that I slept with her, just like she asked."

"No Riley you don't understand! She didn't want you to take a nap with her; she wanted you to stick it in her-. The rest of my words were drowned out by a roar from Salamence. It beat its crimson wings once and took Riley high up into the air.

"I love you too Diamond (in a non homosexual way of course)!" Riley called before soaring towards the west of the city and out of sight.

"What the hell? I never said I love you- oh forget it…" I said. "Dimwit…"

"Oh…" Someone groaned from behind me. I turned around to find Cheryl slowly getting up. She sat up and looked around. When she saw me she immediately screamed.

"AAAAHHHH! OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD! What am I doing here!?" She gasped when she realized she wasn't wearing anything besides her 'nastys'. "W-What happened to my clothes!? OH MY GOD! You raped me didn't you!?"

"No no no! You've got it all wrong! Riley's the one who-."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" She shrieked.

"Stop doing that!"

"_Riley's_ the one who took my clothes off!? Oh my god! Does this mean we-we slept together?"

"Uh… sort of-."

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

"DAMN! I told you to stop that!"

"I can't believe it! I lost my virginity to the man of my dreams! This is too good to be to true!" She sprang onto her feet, completely ignoring the fact that I was here or that she was almost naked. "I've gotta tell my Mom about this!" She said excitedly. She pulled a Pokegear out of her discarded dress and quickly dialed a number.

"Cheryl, you're mistaken. Riley didn't sleep with-."

"Mom guess what? I SLEPT WITH RILEY! No… I didn't drug him… I didn't tie him down and threaten to kill his family either… No mother. Yes I'm serious. Mother! I didn't pump him full of Viagra then shoot him so I could make love with his erected, unresisting dead body!"

"Eww…" I groaned. Something tells me I should go…

"Mommy I'm not a _complete_ loser! I don't have to resort to rape! ... Except for that one time when I got busted by the police before the foreplay ended… Yes, I'm going to make him marry me now… Just as soon as I find him again… Uh huh. You'll have grandchildren by the end of the year, I promise. Uh huh. I love you too Mommy. Hugs and kisses." She turned off the Pokegear. She pulled her dress off the floor and started dressing herself again.

"Right… Well if no one needs me here I'm just gonna go get some ice cream now-." I said, slowly inching away from the alleyway.

"You're not going anywhere kid," Cheryl said threateningly. She grabbed my by the arm and twisted it behind my back.

"GAAAAAHHH! Let go of me! You're gonna break my arm out of its socket!"

"I probably will if you don't tell me where Riley is!"

"I-I don't know!"

"Bullshit! Everyone knows you're his disciple!"

"Yeah well, not by choice…"

"That doesn't matter! It's very simple Diamond. Take me to where Riley is and you live. If you don't I break your arm and a few other things!"

"OKAY! He went to Iron Island! Let go of me you crazy bitch!" Cheryl released her grasp on my arm and let me fall to the ground. I tried crawling away but she grabbed the back of my collar and pulled me to her side.

"Sorry but I can't afford to let you leave now that I've assaulted you. You and I are going to Iron Island so we can get my man!"

"Joy…" I said sarcastically. Great. I've just gone from a psychotic quartet to a duo…


	35. How To Be a Whore by Diamond Barbarossa

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Cheryl had tied me to the back of her Drifblim while she rode in a basket tied underneath it. We gently rose into the air and drifted towards the west, just like Riley had done. I tried my best not to look down (or pee in my pants)…

"Uh… why the hell couldn't I have ridden in the basket too?" I asked. I looked down once again and felt my stomach clench. I was getting nauseous very quickly… Drifblim kept swaying side to side, back and forth… The ground before looked like an ant farm being shaken up by some heavenly bored child…

"My basket only fits one person. I usually ride alone…" She answered mournfully. "I'm ever so lonely…"

"Ugh… Can we land soon…? I'm dying here…"

"Absolutely not! I'm not missing out on what could be my only chance at happiness! I'm twenty eight for God's sake and still haven't found the right man! I'm not getting any younger!" Cheryl raved.

"Oh God… I think I'm gonna puke…" I muttered. Cheryl ignored me and continued on ranting about her problems. She was now close to tears.

"I just don't understand why men don't talk to me! My mother keeps telling me that I'm attractive enough for men to at least _approach_ me! I wear fucking double D cups for Christ's sake! I don't understand it! I have the looks, the brains, the talent, the boobies- I have everything that those pigs want! If that's so then why is it always such a struggle!?" She squealed. I couldn't see it from my position but I heard her sobbing from down below. I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. I swallowed some spit and tried to keep the incoming vomit back long enough to say something.

"Guh… M-Maybe men are put off by you because you're- you're… BLAAAHH!" I finally threw up on myself…

"I'm what? I'm what?" Cheryl asked anxiously. She yet again ignored my declining health.

"I hate heights… Anyway… Men are probably put off by you because you're too clingy to your mother and you're a slight sociopath… And you dress unappealingly… Oh God… BLAAAHH!" I said before throwing up once more.

"That is so not true! I am not a sociopath and I only talk to my mother um… three times a week!"

"More like seven times a day… I bet she's your only friend too… Oh my God… Please not again- BLAAAHH!"

"I have plenty of friends!"

"Name five…"

"Uh… Um…"

"Case and point…" I said, knowing that I've won that argument.

"Fine. I suppose I am too dependent on Mommy-I-I mean mother! But I'm not a sociopath!"

"Bull crap in its highest form Cheryl! Wait a minute… BLAAAHH! ... God damn it… I've known you for only for a collective thirty minutes. During that short amount of time you've nearly tackled Riley to the floor, twisted my arm until it was almost out of its socket, threatened to kill me if I didn't help you find Riley, and tied me to the back of your Drifblim. Isn't that right Blimpy?" I said tapping Drifblim with the back of my hand.

"Drif Drifblim!" Drifblim said in agreement.

"See even Blimpy agrees…" I said. I suppose I've won this portion of the argument too.

"Okay… I see your point behind that… But how could you say that I dress unappealingly? My mother said this dress is nice-."

"Your mother's also the one who picked it out for you too didn't she?"

"Um… knitted…"

"That's even worse! Hold on… I've got another one coming on… BLAAAHH! ... Okay… Girl that dress just screams 'I'm 28 and my Mom is my best friend'. In order to get guys to be more attracted to you then you've got to wear clothes that show off your features!"

"Features?"

"Features bitch! You gotta wear jeans so tight that your vagina feels like it's being choked by a bear!"

"Why? That sounds painful…"

"Because the tighter the jeans, the fatter your ass will look! No man can resist the booty! Next, we move on to shirts-."

"Let me guess. Shirts so tight that I can't breathe?"

"You catch on quick… But what's even more important then the tight shirt?"

"Um… a catchy logo over my breasts that gets the readers attention but makes fun of them for reading someone's boobs?"

"Well yes that's very important but that's not what I was going for. Bitch, I'm talking push-up bras!"

"Push-up bras?"

"Push-up bras!"

"I- I don't know Diamond. Wouldn't that be uncomfortable, especially under a tight shirt?"

"Extremely. But men would love you for it! The bigger your breasts look, the more guys flocking to you!"

"... How come the only things men look for in a woman are boobs and sex?"

"A better question would be, 'why do women look so hard for love?'."

"I suppose you're right… Wow! You know a lot about this stuff Diamond!" She exclaimed in admiration. "Uh… does that mean you're gay?"

"What the hell!?"

"Well, you know so much about women's clothing and what men want the most so I supposed-."

"You supposed wrong! In no way, shape or form am I gay!" I protested.

"Okay, okay! Calm down. I didn't mean to make you angry. But really; thanks for the advice Diamond! Your tips are gonna make Riley my man for sure! I regret trying to break your arm now!" I ignored her and grumbled defensively to myself.

"Gay? I show her how to be a whore and she thinks I'm a fucking flamer?! You know how I know all that stuff? I know it because I bang pussy every single god damn day of the week…"

"There it is! Canalave City!" Cheryl exclaimed. "Drifblim! Turn around so Diamond can see too!" Drifblim rotated in midair so that I could see the port city for myself. Rows of buildings lined both sides of the splinter of water flowing through the middle. From the air, the city as a whole looked like a giant blue penis inside of a big multicolored hot dog bun… Thinking that doesn't make me gay though! Seriously, it doesn't!

"I'm getting closer to you Riley!" Cheryl shouted towards the city. "Wait for me my love!"


	36. A Late Valentine's Day Chapter

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

"Okay… so if I'm correct the ferry to Iron Island should be down… there!" Cheryl pointed out. She pulled a pair of scissors from her pocket and grabbed onto to the rope strapping me to Drifblim.

"WAIT! What are you gonna do with-."

"Snippity snip, Diamond goes drip!" Cheryl said before severing my restraints. I plunged headfirst into the waterway in the middle of the city. The impact left me slightly dizzy and before I could get a grasp on what just happened, a sharp object found its way to the back of my collar. Then a strong force effortlessly pulled me backwards and out of the water. Whatever caught me sent reeling into a large wooden object.

"Well take a looky at what I caught Lucario! It's my depressed little disciple Diamond!" An all too familiar voice said.

"I'm not depressed!" I rubbed my waterlogged eyes and found Riley beaming at me. He and his Lucario seemed to have been fishing and accidentally caught me on one of their lines. The wooden object I crashed into happened to be the pier. I dislodged Riley's hook from my collar and got back to my feet. Riley greeted me by poking me in the nose again, followed by me swatting his hand away as usual.

"So what brings you here snuggle butt?"

"A crazy bitch brought me- Snuggle butt? Uh… Nevermind… I could ask you the same thing Riley. Aren't you supposed to be training at Iron Island or something?"

"Byron and his gym trainers don't want me over there again until they extract some more of the iron from the mountain. They think that I might destroy some of the iron reserves again-."

"Hypnosis!" Cheryl shrieked from up above. Drifblim sent out a purple wave of energy towards the unsuspecting Lucario. Lucario collapsed on the spot.

"Hey!" Riley shouted to Cheryl. "What the hell do you think you're-."

"Forgive me my love!" Cheryl pulled a bottle out from her basket and tossed it down to Riley. The bottle promptly smashed on his forehead.

"I'd like to accept this tampon in honor of my achievement as mayor of Muffinopolis…" Riley dazedly mumbled before fainting next to his sleeping Lucario.

"Cheryl!" I shrieked. "What the fuck are you doing?! I thought you came here to rape him, not kill him!"

"I'm not gonna do either! I just want to keep him here long enough so I can get a change of clothes first! Then I'll wake him up and proceed with our relationship, that's all!"

"Keep him here!?" I asked incredulously. "There are better ways to keep him here than smashing a bottle over his head! Damn it, you could've given him frontal lobe damage!"

"Just relax Diamond! Everything will be fine. Now come, you and I need to find a clothing store!"

"Why?"

"I'm gonna make those changes to my wardrobe you suggested. I'm going to make myself look all sexy for my man! When he sees me our eyes will meet, he'll be so enchanted by my beauty that he'll scoop me up into his muscular arms and we'll hug and kiss and caress and-."

"ENOUGH!" I shouted at the top of my lungs. "First, I doubt he'll be _able_ to see you after what you just did. Second, I will _never_ go shopping with you because it's humiliating and in all honesty I fucking hate you. Third, we need to take Riley to a doctor. He's bleeding really badly and he might have glass wedged in there!" Cheryl frowned at me for a second but then grinned.

"Hey Diamond? What do people use to tighten their nuts?"

"Huh? This isn't the time for innuendos damn it!"

"I'm not making a sex joke Diamond. Answer me, what do people use to tighten their nuts?"

"Damn it I don't know… A rotating hooker?"

"Sorry that's incorrect. The correct answer was… A WRENCH!" Cheryl turned around and pulled a wrench out of her basket. She aimed at my forehead before tossing it straight down to me. I unfortunately had a delayed reaction and got hit right between the eyes with the wrench.

"I want to have a wild orgy party with Missy Elliot, J.D from Scrubs and a dog with a lazy eye… I like ponies… ponay… ponieeeeeeey… poniiiiiiiiiiiiiy…me likey…" The blow to the head must have given me slight brain damage… I slowly lost consciousness…

The next time I woke up I was propped up against the window of a women's clothing store. A small mug full of change was placed in my hand. I sheepishly got up and looked for any sign of Riley or Cheryl.

"Where are they? And where the hell did this cup come from?"

"Hold on damn it! I'll have your money in a second!" The door to the store swung open and Cheryl walked out. She apparently had followed every single one of my suggestions. She had replaced her ugly green dress with tight, hip hugging jeans, green tank top, leather unbuttoned jacket and high heels. The change in wardrobe really did her curves justice… I still hate her though…

Cheryl completely ignored the fact that I was now awake and glaring at her and snatched the mug out of my hand. She sifted through the coins inside, counting the amount in it. When she was done she scooped the coins into her hand and tossed them inside the store.

"There! There's your damn dirty money!" She shouted before slamming the door behind her.

"Uh… what the hell was that about?" I asked.

"I made you useful by telling everybody that you're a diabetic Nigerian in need of a liver transplant that could only be paid for in loose change. You wouldn't believe how gullible most people are. Come on, we need to find Riley again. It's time for me to work my magic and you're going to help me do that…"

"You can't work what you don't have. And to be honest, I think Riley might be gay…" Cheryl gave me a venomous glare. "I'm serious! He told me that he loved me right before he left to come here and he called me snuggle butt… He possibly could be one of those guys of ambiguous sexuality. Y'know, fruity guys like Willy Wonka, Nights or Prince- Let me go!" Cheryl grabbed both sides of my collar and pulled me close to her face. Her face was grave and full of virulent anger.

"Listen here Diamond. I've done nothing but pine after Riley for the past two years. I've fought for this guy. I've traveled for this guy. I am currently wearing _heels, a push-up bra and make up_ for this guy. I am wearing a _**THONG **_for this guy! It is so deep in my ass crack I'm afraid I met get cancer! You know why I'm doing all this for him? Because I love him Diamond. Do you know how _murderous _I'd be if the guy I've wasted two years of my life for turned out to be gay? I will kill everything in a five mile radius (starting with you) if you or anybody else tells me that Riley's gay. YOU GOT THAT!?"

"Y-Yes Ma'am!" I said trembling in fear.

"I'm glad we understand each other… Now tell me, what should I do to make Riley notice me?" I considered it for a moment.

"You can't be direct about anything. Like when he asks you a question, you always give an ambiguous answer like maybe every single time. And you have to bat your eyes and flip your hair back every time you say that," I explained. Cheryl nodded her head in comprehension.

"Okay got it. Now let's go look for him-."

"Well we don't have to look around too hard."

"Why's that?"

"He's right over there." I pointed across the street. Riley and Lucario have also woken up and took to wandering the streets. They were both holding their heads in agony.

"Oh god… My head hurts so bad… I can't even remember what happened… Do you remember Lucario?" Lucario shook his head no. "Damn… I remember fishing Diamond out of the water and a girl riding a Drifblim… but I can't remember anything after that… Oh my head…" Riley agonized.

"Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!" Cheryl shrieked. "He's here! Diamond, what do I do!?" I thought to myself for a moment.

"This is a perfect chance to get some payback for the hell she's been putting me through," I thought to myself. "Time for you to be the fool Cheryl…" I grinned a malicious grin at her.

"Why are you smiling?"

"Oh, uh… I'm just imagining how uh… _happy_ you and Riley are going to be…"

"Oh that's sweet of you. But in all seriousness… HELP ME!"

"Alright! Let's see… this will get attention. Do a sexy catwalk towards him across this busy street," I ordered. She looked at me incredulously.

"You want me to do a catwalk across a busy street… in _heels_?! Are you crazy?"

"Riley' gonna be the one going crazy when he sees you Cheryl. Now go!"

"If you say so- YAAAH!" Cheryl stepped onto the street and narrowly avoided getting hit by a car. "Must maintain catwalk… Riley's totally worth it…" She muttered to herself as she tried to walk while avoiding traffic at the same time. Cars swerved out of the way and crashed into each other as Cheryl went by. Those that didn't swerve cursed at Cheryl as they nearly hit her.

"BWA HA HA HA HA HA!" I laughed uncontrollably. "Oh man! I wish Pearl was here, he would've gotten a kick out of this- HA HA HA HA HA! Look at her squirm!" Cheryl's new jacket got hooked onto the mirror of a passing car. The car dragged Cheryl a few feet before ripping off her jacket completely and leaving her slumped in the middle of the road.

"DAMN! I just spent seventy dollars on that jacket!" Cheryl whined. "I have to focus. Must catwalk to Ri- YAAAAAAAAHHHH!" She finally got hit by an oncoming car. The driver immediately stopped and frantically got out of the car.

"OH MY GOD! I HIT SOMEBODY! SOMEONE CALL 911!" This caused me to laugh even harder. This has got to be the best day of my life…

"Relax dude!" I called out to him. "She's fine! Watch this. Cheryl! Riley just put on a pair of Speedos and-."

"WHERE?!" Cheryl roared. She immediately sprang to her feet and looked around. "Where's Riley?" Riley ran away earlier once the cars started crashing for his own safety.

"You just missed him Cheryl! Come on, I think I saw him run to the next block. Ooh! I know how you can try to _woo _him next! Punchy, Hoppy, come on out!" I released both of them from their pokeballs. They were going to help me out with my next plan… As usual, they greeted me by inflicting pain on me. Hoppy slammed one of its ears on my toes and Punchy (now much taller from its evolution) punched me in the stomach. "Ow! Both of you stop! You're going to help me with something hilarious…"

Cheryl and I moved to the top of a four story building next. Riley and Lucario were walking on the sidewalk underneath us, still looking very shaken up. Punchy was positioned exactly underneath where Cheryl was.

"Um… explain this to me again…" Cheryl said uncertainly.

"This is simple. Just jump off and Punchy will catch you. Punchy will then spring you in front of Riley and you scream out 'TA DA! I've fallen out of heaven just for you baby'."

"Uh… _how_ will this make him fall in love with me?"

"It'll prove to him that the sky can't even contain your love for him."

"… If you say so… Here goes nothing!" She shrieked before jumping headfirst down to Punchy.

"Damn. I didn't actually think she'd fall for that. And she says other people are gullible…" I thought to myself. Punchy stepped to the side at the last second and let her collide into the pavement.

"HOLY SHIT!" Riley exclaimed. "Is she alright?!"

"Yeah!" I called from up above. "Watch this. Cheryl! Riley just did over 900 pushups. Now he's all sweaty and I think he might take his shirt off-."

"WHERE?!" Cheryl screamed. She got back to her feet (completely unscathed) and frantically searched around for Riley. "Riley! There you are! I-I don't know if you remember me but my name is Cheryl and-."

"No Cheryl! Say your lines!" I yelled.

"Oh right. TA DA! I've fallen out of heaven just for-."

"Oh no!" I screamed. "The gods are angry with us! They're sending anvils from the sky! Take cover!" Hoppy and I scooped up one of the anvils we brought up together. We let go of it and watched as it dropped in between Riley and Cheryl. "It isn't over yet Cheryl! Dodge the anvils! It will prove to Riley how limber and sexually acrobatic you are!" I warned as Hoppy and I dropped more anvils down on them.

"GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!" Riley screamed. "QUICK LUCARIO! WE NEED TO FIND AN ANTI- ARMAGEDDON SHELTER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Riley and Lucario sprinted away as fast as they could.

"Isn't cliché cartoon violence the best Hoppy?" I asked as we tossed two more down. It nodded happily and tossed two more down using its ears. Cheryl frantically scurried about trying to dodge our anvils while Punchy doubled over from laughter at the entire scene.

"WHY DID ARMAGEDDON HAVE TO START WHEN I'M WOOING!? DOES THE UNIVERSE HATE ME OR SOMETHING!?" Cheryl cried.

"No…" I said pushing the last anvil over the side of the building. It hit Cheryl directly on the forehead, knocking her out cold on the spot. "But I hate you though…"

Riley's anti-Armageddon fortress was just a bench that he and Lucario cowered under. A concerned police officer tried to persuade them out from under the bench.

"Please come out sir. The world isn't ending-."

"Yes it is! Cars crashing, anvils falling from the sky- I'm not taking any chances!" Riley shrieked.

"If that's true then how come I'm not dead yet?"

"… If it was really the end of the world then everybody would be dead… Okay, I'll come out…" Riley and Lucario cautiously climbed out from under the bench. Punchy, Hoppy and I happened to find Riley again. We had dragged Cheryl's lifeless body all the way here.

"Good, there he is. Cheryl! Riley just put on a gorilla suit and-."

"WHERE?!" Cheryl shrieked. She sprang back onto her feet a third time.

"Time for another attempt at wooing Riley! This time I want you to go up to him, bend over and shake your ass in his face."

"And?"

"No that's it. Just shake your ass in his face."

"Isn't that kind of vulgar?"

"Men are vulgar beings Cheryl."

"I suppose so… But I don't know Diamond…" Cheryl sniffed once and her eyes began to water. "Nothing I've done is working… Maybe I should just give up and go home- OW!" I slapped her across the face.

"This is no time to wimp out Cheryl! I guarantee you that this time you won't fail. Now get over there you sexy cheetah!"

"Okay…" Cheryl said sounding defeated already. She casually walked over to Riley. "Uh… hi?" She said uncertainly.

"Um... hi- what the hell?" Riley said as Cheryl bent over and shook her posterior in his face. Rather then getting horny, he looked extremely puzzled. "Um… you've got a mole on your lower back… You should probably get that removed…" Cheryl finally lost her temper.

"YAAAAAAAHHHH! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" She shrieked. "Listen here you-."

"No Cheryl! Be ambiguous! Direct confrontation is suicide!"

"I'm _going _to commit suicide if this goes on any longer!" She was now sobbing uncontrollably. I suddenly felt a pang of guilt.

"Crap. I guess this is my fault…" I thought to myself. Cheryl turned back to Riley.

"Riley please listen! I- I can't keep living with this way. Ever since I saw you on TV two years ago I knew that I- that I-."

"That you what?"

"That I love you! Damn it, I love you with all my heart, all my soul, all my… EVERYTHING! I've done nothing these past two years but obsess over you! Every day I think of what it would be like to be Mrs. (Insert Last Name Here)! All I've ever dreamed about was having your glorious babies! I'd even rearrange the stars so they could spell out 'Riley and Cheryl Forever' in the night sky!"

"Uh… cool," Riley said, still completely unsure of what to do. "Um, Cheryl… please stop crying-."

"I CAN'T! Please Riley let me finish! I've done and gave so much just to be near you! I even made myself look like a whore, got hit by a car, and dodged anvils just for _this _moment… but now what? You probably think I'm some creepy, insane, desperate loser don't you? So let's just cut to the chase so I can go home and hang myself already… Riley, do you love me back?"

Everyone and everything seemed to have stopped at that moment. Everyone's eyes were on Riley, anxious to see what he'll do about this. Riley hung his head for a moment. When he lifted it back up dazed look was replaced with a grin. But this grin felt different to his usual one… It was a look of complete understanding, as if he was looking right through Cheryl and seeing what she was truly made of… He placed a hand on her cheek and wiped the tears away.

"… There's no need to cry anymore Cheryl."

"W-Why's that?" She said through her sobbing.

"Because I'm here…" Then, unexpectedly, his lips met hers. No one, including Cheryl and I, anticipated this. It took Cheryl a few seconds to realize what happened but when she did, she gratefully returned the kiss.

"Uh… Move along people! Nothing to see here! Let them have their privacy!" I said. Punchy, Hoppy and I ushered the onlookers away as Riley and Cheryl continued to embrace. Once they were away I turned back to the newly found lovers. "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?" I yelled.

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(Hugs Duel Soul) You have no idea how much that review meant to me. I absolutely love being told how awesome me and my stories are ). Anyway, I'll try and go back to the 300 special after this. I wanted to put this chapter up on Valentine's Day and then have one of the 300 chapters up today but my internet went out on Thursday. R and R or I'll eat your soul!


	37. The Best There Is

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

"Would you two stop that already!?" I shrieked. Riley and Cheryl bashfully pulled away from each other. "Fucking disgusting… And Riley! _Why _are you kissing _her_ in the first place? You guys barely know each other!" Riley considered my question for a moment.

"Well… Let's put it this way. Let's say I go to Home Depot and I meet one of the Mexicans outside of it. I tell him 'Oye ese yo tengo algunos tubos en casa necesitado de la reparación. ¿Los podría fijar usted para mí?' which means 'Hey dude I have some pipes at home in need of repair. Could you fix them for me?' But lets say instead of fixing my pipes, he anally rapes me and-."

"Eww… What's your point Riley?"

"I'm getting to it. I know if Cheryl ever finds out something like that happened to me, she'd not only find and murder the Mexican that raped me but also find a way to nuke Mexico until it was decimated off the face of the Earth… just to make sure no other Mexicans rapes me again."

"So… You want me to nuke Mexico for you?" Cheryl asked. "I can totally do that! I just need to call up my Uncle Vladimir up at the nuclear weaponry department and-."

"No! What I mean is that I knew from the beginning that you'd do just about anything for me… And I want to have the opportunity to do the same for you," Riley said simply. Tears welled up in Cheryl's eyes again, but this time they were from happiness. She threw her arms around Riley's neck.

"You're the best Riley…" She said adoringly.

"The best there is," he said merrily. He looked down at his watch and frowned. "Hmm… It's taking Byron way too long to come back… I think the four of us should head over to Iron Island to see if anything's wrong with him."

"Four of us?" I asked. "There are only three of us."

"That's where you're wrong Diamond," he said poking me in the nose in the process. "Marley's still in town and we could use her help if a problem arises."

"Okay. Go get her so we can head out," Cheryl interjected.

"Umm… It's not that simple…"

"How come?" I asked.

"Well… Marley has a bit of an attitude... and the Team Galactic incident didn't exactly help her sense of generosity… Before she left to come here she told me 'I'm never helping you again Riley and if you, Diamond or Pearl ever come around asking for favors I'm going to have a pack a Houndooms with AIDS eat you furry twats'."

"Well she sounds friendly…" Cheryl said sarcastically. "Let me handle this one Riley. I'll get her to come around. Just tell me where to go."

"I think she might be still at the Canalave library."

"Okay. See you in a few minutes Riley," Cheryl said before planting a kiss on Riley's cheek and running (in heels, mind you) off towards the library.

"I told you she'd do anything for me," Riley said rubbing the spot where she kissed him.

"That's not exactly a good thing Riley… Watch. Nicaragua's gonna be underwater by next week…" I said. Cheryl came back with Marley about a half hour later. They seemed to be getting along well enough. They seemed to be having a conversation about Riley. Marley, however, never once looked away from the book she was reading.

"In all honesty Cheryl, I used to think Riley was gay. Or at least one of those ambiguous fruity guys like Willy Wonka, Nights or the Artist Formerly Known as-."

"Prince. I know…"

"Anyway, I'd wish you two the best of luck together but I'm not that kind of person…"

"Uh… Thanks?"

"There you are!" Riley exclaimed. He pulled me, Marley and Cheryl together into a group hug. "It's like we're all one big family!" He said merrily.

"How the hell are _we_ a family?" Marley protested. "And get out of there you cheap pervert!" Riley's hug had pulled my face into Marley's um… chesticles… She pushed me off of her and gave me a punch in the stomach and an uppercut to Riley's jaw.

"OW! What was that for you crazy skank?!" I yelled.

"To teach you some fucking manners you testicle farmer!"

"I'm more civilized than you, you emo whore!"

"I'm not emo! And you're about as civilized as a Primeape in heat!" If we were anything like a family then Marley must be my irritable, emo, misanthropic older sister…

"Okay, cut it out you two!" Cheryl said separating us. Marley gave me one last venomous glare before burying her nose in her book again. I looked at the cover and read the title in my head. She was reading 'Mien Kampf' By Adolf Hitler… She must want to find a way to kill Jews… Riley looked back and forth between Iron Island out in the distance and the Canalave Shipyard.

"It will take forever to get a boat regularly…"

"Wait here…" Cheryl said before sprinting into the Shipyard. A few minutes later she came out on a boat being driven by a very terrified looking sailor. Cheryl can be _very_ persuasive when she wants to be. She let down a plank leading to the shore so we could come on.

"I love that woman!" Riley exclaimed merrily as the three of us ran up the plank. "To Iron Island Skippy!"

"Y-Yes sir!" The sailor said frightfully.

"Let me guess. She tried to break your arm and threatened to kill your family, right?" I asked the poor man.

"Bingo…" He got us to Iron Island in a matter of minutes. Once we had gotten off, he tried to turn back but Cheryl stopped him.

I'm feeling kind of lazy right now so fast forward to when we're inside Iron Island… Riley led us into a chamber filled with decrepit, rusty bulldozers half-buried in piles of iron.

"Byron! Byron! Where are you?" Riley called. "Damn. Where is he…? Everyone spread out." Cheryl, of course, went right to it but Marley and I were less than eager. Marley was still buried in 'Mien Kampf' and I just didn't care… Riley snatched the book out of Marley's hands.

"Stop reading Nazi books and go look Marley," he ordered. Marley sighed.

"Fine… It's not like I have a _life_ to get to…" She said sarcastically.

"You go too Diamond," Riley said.

"Screw that…" I said. Just then a deep, drawling cackle rang throughout the entire cave. His voice seemed to bounce off the walls and echo throughout the chasm. Cheryl, Marley and Riley all stopped in their tracks. Each of them whipped out a pokeball, ready to strike at the mystery man at a moment's notice. I, however, wasn't much of a battler so I decided to let them handle what would come next.

"This is too funny… The blind leading the blind," The voice drawled.

"Who's there? Show yourself!" Riley demanded. The voice giggled once more.

"Someone of little importance…" The voice answered back in a mocking tone. "I don't find it necessary to reveal myself just yet…" Riley grinned.

"Well, I like to be on a first name basis. Do you mind if I call you Soli? It stands for 'Someone of Little Importance'." The voice giggled one more time.

"You truly are a strange one Riley… You may call me what you wish."

"Good. Now what do you want from us Soli?" Riley asked. Immediately after he said that the ground beneath us began to tremble. Immediately acting upon it, Riley released Lucario, Marley released her Sceptile and Cheryl released her Milotic. Soli began to cackle again.

"What I want…? I want… DIAMOND!" Soli shrieked feverishly. The ground beneath me trembled even more. In an instant, it exploded out from under me, sending me soaring into the air. "Catch him Magnezone!" A Magnezone levitated out of the hole made from the imploded earth. The flying saucer pokemon sent out jets of electricity from its magnets and antennae. They combined together and panned out into a globe of electricity that completely encompassed me.

"Holy shit!" I shouted. "What the fuck's your deal Soli!?" Neither Soli nor anyone else reacted to my shouting. "Guys? Guys! Don't just stand there! Help me you assholes!" None of them reacted again. They all just stood there paralyzed, staring with their mouths open at me and Magnezone. "They can't hear me…" I said to myself. I tried to reach out to them but the tips of my fingers singed when I touched the globe of energy around me. I was trapped…

"No one do any anything," Riley ordered. The heat of imminent battle had turned Riley into a much more serious person.

"But Riley-." Cheryl interjected.

"We can't risk it Cheryl! If we attack Magnezone then it might drop Diamond!"

"Very astute of you Riley…" Soli drawled. Magnezone turned towards the source of the voice. Soli was sitting on the neck of one of the bulldozers. He was a tall, extremely thin man. He wore a long black cloak and his face was hidden by a hood, concealing his identity from us. "I've heard many rumors about you Riley. They praise you as the strongest trainer in the country that will stop the dark forces at work in Sinnoh. They say you're a hero… Well, I think otherwise…"

"You're wrong Soli. I'm the best there is," Riley said confidently. Soli cackled once again.

"The best there is? You? You're too funny Riley! There's nothing I hate more then liars. I think it's up to me to teach you your place!" He shouted, his voice dripping in a strange mixture of animosity and feverish mockery, like an animal toying with his prey.

"I know my place fine, thank you. Lucario! Use focus punch!" Riley ordered. Soli leaped off of the crane and released a Golem to take the blow. Golem caught the focus punch in one hand and delivered its own into Lucario's chest. "Shit he's fast…" Riley thought to himself. Lucario fell to its knees. "Lucario use-."

"GOLEM USE EXPLOSION!" Soli ordered.

"What?!" Riley shrieked. Golem glowed bright white for a moment before expelling all of the energy in its body. The blast spread out in all directions, decimating anything in its way. Once the dust and rubble cleared, Golem and Lucario were both left knocked out in a crater caused by the explosion. Lucario seemed to have gotten the worst out of the attack. It looked as if it was just an inch away from death… "LUCARIO!" Riley yelled out of concern for his partner. Soli cackled at Riley and Lucario's pain. "I'll kill you!" Riley said returning Lucario to its ball.

There were no signs of that happy-go-lucky dimwit master of mine anymore. Riley's eyes were consumed with fury and enmity towards Soli. He neglected releasing another pokemon and charged straight towards Soli. Soli backed up into the wall behind him as Riley advanced. Riley tried to punch Soli but two thick blackish gray arms extended out from the wall behind Soli. One of the arms caught Riley's arm, the other found its way to his neck.

"Riley!" Cheryl and Marley exclaimed. Sceptile and Milotic were still unable attack. They couldn't risk hitting Riley. The owner of the black arms pulled itself out of the wall and revealed itself to be a Dusknoir.

"That was a really stupid move Riley… Seeking a vendetta on an enemy you know absolutely nothing about… and with no weapons or pokemon out either… You must have a death wish…" Soli taunted. Dusknoir tightened its grip on Riley's neck.

"Ngh!" Riley grunted. He tried to use his free hand to get Dusknoir off of him but to no avail.

"Do you still wish to kill me Riley? But how can you kill someone you can't even touch…?" Dusknoir suddenly released Riley. The mouth on its stomach eerily creaked open. For a moment I thought it was going to eat Riley but Soli climbed inside of it instead. Dusknoir clamped its mouth shut again and disappeared back into the wall.

"Come back here and fight me you coward!" Riley roared. Cheryl and Marley pulled him away to where they were standing before.

"Calm down Riley!" Marley said. "Whether you like it or not he's right. It _was_ stupid to charge in after him without a pokemon out! We need to work together on this one!"

"You're right… Go Heracross!" Riley released the blue beetle pokemon in front of him. It, Sceptile and Milotic formed a triangle around their trainers.

"Why did Soli _willingly_ let himself get eaten by Dusknoir? It doesn't make any sense!" Cheryl said.

"My guess is that he's not getting eaten. I think he just stepped in there so we won't hear him giving out orders to Dusknoir," Marley explained.

"But that means we won't know where, when or how Dusknoir will attack…"

"That means we have to be ready at a moment's notice…" Riley said. Everyone tensed up and anxiously went on the defensive. I suddenly felt, I don't know, _smaller_ than everybody else. I never realized how much stronger my friends were than me before. Here they are, fighting for their lives while I was helpless in this stupid electric bubble. I doubt I'd be much help in this fight anyway…

Suddenly, Dusknoir reappeared out of nowhere in the center of their triangle. It gave a quick series of punches to Sceptile before sinking into the ground. It reappeared behind Heracross and Riley and gave them both a few rounds of punches before sinking back into the ground.

"Dragon Pulse!" Cheryl ordered of Milotic. Milotic fired a blast of blue energy at the spot Dusknoir disappeared. The ground erupted from the blast but Dusknoir was nowhere still was nowhere to be found. "Huh? How come we didn't hit them?"

"Because they're not hiding under the ground or in the walls… They're hiding in our shadows!" Marley realized. "They're using Shadow Sneak!" Immediately after she said that Dusknoir climbed out of her own shadow and gave Sceptile an uppercut to the stomach. Before anyone could react it sank back into Marley's shadow. Sceptile fell to its knees from the pain.

"Aqua Ring!" Cheryl ordered. Milotic released a giant fluorescent ring of water that encompassed them all. The water had cast an eerie blue light in all directions. "There. The light from the Aqua Ring will dispel our shadows and as long as they stay in it, our pokemon will stay healed," Cheryl explained. Sceptile and Heracross' injuries instantly started to fade away. Riley hugged her around the neck.

"Absolutely brilliant!" He said.

"Not quite…" Marley muttered. "_Our_ shadows may be gone but not his." Marley pointed up at me and Magnezone. When our shadows passed over them Dusknoir came out once more.

"Dragon Pulse!" Marley and Cheryl both commanded. Dusknoir spiraled out of the way of the beams and grabbed both Milotic and Sceptile's necks.

"Night Slash!" Riley yelled. Heracross slashed at Dusknoir's back but didn't seem to do any damage. Sceptile and Milotic tried struggling out of Dusknoir's grip but they seemed to get weaker while Dusknoir was getting stronger. "Soli must be making it use Pain Split!" Riley thought. He quickly switched Heracross for his Machamp. "Foresight then submission!" Two beams of light came out of Machamp's eyes and hit Dusknoir in the back, making it solid in the process. Machamp then tackled Dusknoir off of Sceptile and Milotic and into opposite wall. Dusknoir laid there motionless. Its mouth creaked open again and Soli fell out of it.

"Yes!" Riley roared in triumph. "Have you given up yet Soli?"

"Don't think for an instant that you've won Riley… Steelix!" Soli tossed a pokeball over Riley's head. Steelix released itself out of the ball once it was over Machamp's head. It wound its tail on a stalactite. "Use Crunch!" Steelix came down on Machamp, its fangs bared, trying to bite down on its enemy. Machamp, even with its four arms, was barely able to keep Steelix from crashing down on it. Marley and Cheryl tried to help Riley out but Soli was more then ready for them.

"Forretress! Use Explosion!" Soli released his Forretress right between Riley and the others. Like Golem, it imploded itself with its own energy. Marley, Cheryl, Riley, Sceptile and Milotic were sent flying backward. Machamp wasn't hit by the blast but the ground crumbled out from under it. Steelix finally succeeded in clamping down on Machamp. They both fell into the chasm created by Forretress' explosion.

"MACHAMP!" Riley shrieked as he watched his pokemon helplessly fall into the hole. It was so deep that the bottom wasn't visible.

"Come back to me Steelix!" Soli ordered. Steelix burrowed through the ground and came back up on Soli's side. Riley was frozen to the spot. His eyes were wide open in horror and his mouth was agape. "Nothing but rock or steel type pokemon could survive a fall like that Riley. Your Machamp is gone."

"…" Riley didn't respond and continued to stare into the abyss. His spirit had been shattered… Soli cackled for what seems like the umpteenth time.

"Whoever heard of a hero without any words for his enemies? Face it Riley. Your legend is a lie. It is time for that legend to be buried… just like that Machamp! IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO KNOW YOUR PLACE!"

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I know I said that I'd be putting up a 300 chapter but I changed my mind at the last minute, so this came much later then I said it would. Oh well... -.-


	38. Pearl's Independence Issue

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

"Damn it Pearl! Why don't you ever help me with Toto? Better yet, why am _I_ the one taking care of _your_ daughter?" Dawn complained. She and Pearl had gotten fed up waiting for me to come back so they left for Oreburgh City without me. According to Pearl 'That dumb shit will come back eventually. Hopefully he'll bring hookers… My dick feels lonely…' -.- Dickface… Ever since I left, Dawn has been single handedly taking care of Toto while Pearl kept being… well, Pearl… Currently they were going through Oreburgh Gate. Toto was sleeping while Dawn carried her on her back.

"Would you really entrust _me_ with the care of another human being?" Pearl asked nonchalantly. Dawn was flabbergasted.

"If you don't think you can take care of her then why did you adopt her in the first place?"

"Beats me. It's a really good thing you're here then. Because, lets face it, if you left me and her alone we'd probably be working in an impoverished Lithuanian brothel by now."

"I thought we all agreed that you guys wouldn't treat me like your personal bitch anymore!"

"Yeah, I know. Right now you're doing me a _favor_."

"What? I never agreed to any favors!"

"Oh. Do you mind doing one for me now?"

"Uh… Sure. What is it?"

"Rear my child and shut the fuck up!" Dawn tried to punch Pearl but Toto weighed her down too much. He seemed to have gotten on Dawn's last nerve.

"That does it!" She shrieked. She stood fully upright which made Topaz slide off her back and onto the ground. The sudden collision caused Toto to wake up and start crying. "I'm so sick and tired of you treating me more like a horse than a friend!"

"That is so not true! … I'm hungry. You want some oats?" Pearl asked taking a bag of them from his back pocket. "They really aren't that bad." Dawn glowered at him. She took it as a horse joke rather than an offer...

"Fuck off Pearl!" She said knocking the bag out of his hands and out onto the floor.

"What the hell was that for? What did the oats ever do to you?! I just wanted to give you a tasty treat rich in nutrients and fiber that could possibly reduce the risk of heart disease!"

"Forget about the friggin' oats! I just can't stand the way you treat me anymore- You know what forget it! You'll never understand how I feel!" Pearl rolled his eyes at her. He pointed at his watch.

"Yeah… I stopped caring five minutes ago Sea Biscuit- I mean Dawn…" She turned around on the spot and started walking away. "Where are you going? Prof. Rowan said we need to stay together!"

"I don't care what Grandpa said because I, unlike you, can take care of myself!"

"I can totally take care of myself! I go to bathroom by myself!"

"Yeah but you need _me_ to undo your fly for you-."

"Only because I'm afraid of getting my dick stuck in there!" Dawn shook her head.

"You're pathetic. I hate you Pearl McDoo-Doo-Butt St. Clair!" Dawn finally lost her patience with Pearl and ran off towards the exit. Topaz, who had been crying non-stop since she woke up, started laughing at Pearl's middle name.

"Hehehe! Your middle name's funny Daddy! McDoo-Doo-Butt!" Pearl cringed at the sound of it.

"Must learn to overcome that…" He told himself. "Go ahead Dawn! We don't need you! We don't need anybody! _You're _the one who needs _me_!" After Dawn had gone through the other side of the cave, music started to play out of nowhere.

I'm not coming back  
I'm not gonna react  
I'm not doing shit for you  
I'm not sitting around-

"What the hell?" Pearl said. "Where the fuck is this music coming from?"

-While you're tearing it down around us  
I'm not living a lie  
While you swim in denial  
'Cause you're already dead and gone  
You'll leave me out on the curb  
Just like everyone else before you-

"Daddy I'm scared!" Topaz shrieked.

"Me too… Let's get out of here!" Pearl loaded Topaz onto his back and began to sprint towards the exit.

Welcome to my world  
Where everyone I ever need  
Always ends up leaving me alone  
Another lesson burned  
And I'm drowning in the ashes  
Kicking  
Screaming  
Welcome to my world-

"GAAAHHHH!" Pearl shrieked. The words eerily played over and over again as he ran. "Where everyone I ever need always ends up leaving me alone… Fucking weird…" Pearl repeated to himself. He and Topaz tore through the other side of the gate and into Oreburgh City. Pearl put Topaz down and looked around for Dawn.

"She couldn't have gone too far… Let's go to the pokemon center Toto-."

I don't care what you think  
I'm not seeing a shrink  
I'm not doing this again  
I'm not another  
Student or a mother-

"Damn it its back! Run for it!" They ran as fast as they could away from the noise. "There's the pokemon center! Get inside!" Pearl and Topaz dove inside the pokemon center and locked the door behind them. Everyone in the room stared at them as if they were out of their minds. "What the fuck are y'all looking at?! Mind your own damn business ya friggin nobodies!" Everyone turned back to what they were doing previously (albeit a little disgruntled now).

"Please refrain from cursing at the other trainers," The resident Nurse Joy scolded. Pearl picked Toto off the floor and put her on the front desk along with his pokeballs.

"My pokemon all need to be fed, all I have is oats. Dawn managed the food…" Pearl sighed. "Oh, could you feed Toto too?"

"Sir, this is _a pokemon hospital_, not a soup kitchen! The pokemon can stay but you're going to have to feed your daughter somewhere else!"

"But I don't have any money! Dawn managed that too… But I'm not dependent on her! I can do anything I set my mind to!"

"Whatever. Just take your ass somewhere else if you want to get fed!"

"Fine pussy hole! Come on Toto!" Pearl stormed out of there with Toto clinging to his hand. As soon as he opened the door the haunting stalker music came back.

-To take your shit out on  
So let's see what you got  
And let's see what you're not  
And whatever else you pretend  
You've defended my intentions  
Long enough

Welcome to my world  
Where everyone I ever need  
Always ends up leaving me alone-

"Stop torturing me!" Pearl shrieked before charging back inside. "Great… Now I need to pee… Stay here Toto." Pearl made his way to the bathroom in the back. Unfortunately for him he got a certain organ stuck in his zipper…

"GAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" He cried out of pain. "I TOLD DAWN I'D GET IT STUCK IN THERE! I NEED HER BACK!"

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I'm pleased to announce that Diamond Fists has just reached 9500 hits! YAYNESS! Props to me for being the brilliant author that I am-

Pearl: Screw off RTJ! The only reason people read this story is because I'm a sexy beast!

Diamond: No way! People read this because they want to laugh and be entertained by the various situations we get into! … And because _I'm_ the resident sexy beast around here!

Pearl: Liar! I'm the sexy beast!

Diamond: I'm the sexy beast!

Pearl: Are not!

Diamond: Are to!

Pearl: Are not!

Diamond: Are to!

Dawn: I'm pretty sexy… I've been told that I'm 'molestable' even.

Me: Molestable's my new favorite word thanks to Duel Soul's brother.

Riley: Hey what about the rest of us?

Cheryl: Yeah! Riley and I are the sexiest couple around!

Marley: … I don't really care…

Jack: You heathens! Holiness is the only beauty! Therefore, Jesus and I are the sexiest ones here!

Jesus: Damn straight.

Everyone else: NO FUCKING WAY!

What they're _trying_ to say is that we here at Diamond Fists appreciate all of our viewers and reviewers very much. That's why we're giving each of you a cookie. We'll give you two cookies if you leave a review- Hey! (Punchy and Humpy seemed to have eaten all 9500 cookies) Bastards… Anyway, I love each and every one of you for making this story a success. My goal of getting 10000 hits for this story doesn't seem too far off… Oh and in case any of you were wondering, the name of the song haunting Pearl in this chapter is called My World by Sick Puppies. It will make much more sense in the next chapter...


	39. The Crowned Clown

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Pearl screamed from the bathroom. "Nurse Joy, bring me some band-aids!"

"Why?"

"I got my male reproductive organ stuck in my zipper!"

"Ugh… Not another one… Okay, hold on I'm coming…" Nurse Joy groaned before running off to Pearl's aid.

"That should keep that dumb ass busy for an afternoon…" Topaz muttered to herself. Unbeknownst to Pearl, Dawn and I, Topaz has been hiding a secret… Whenever she's around us she acts like an innocent little three year old but in reality she's a nine year old (who's really short for her age) who's just as addicted to scamming and gambling as Pearl is. She hasn't been showing her true personality to us because she knew that she could get anything she wants out of us with a few fake tears. Yep, little Toto's a con artist. Bet you didn't see that coming did ya?

"DAMN IT! HELP ME WOMAN!" Pearl shrieked.

"BUT I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH YOUR PENIS!" Nurse Joy shrieked back.

"HOW ABOUT YOU SUCK ON IT INSTEAD?!"

"WHAT!?"

"YOUR SALIVA WILL LUBE IT UP ENOUGH FOR ME TO GET IT OUT OF THERE!"

"EWW! I'M NOT SUCKING YOUR DICK KID!"

"AWW COME ON! THAT'S THE ONLY WAY TO GET IT OUT! … AND WHY ARE WE YELLING?!" Topaz giggled at her father's misfortune.

"See you around Daddy…" She said with a smirk before tearing out of the pokemon center doors. With her kind of charm and craftiness, the world was her playground. She could go anywhere and get whatever she wanted if she used just the right words. She was feeling hungry again so she found the nearest ice cream truck she could find. She knocked against the side of it to get the man inside's attention. He opened his window to see who was calling.

"Hello? Who's there?" The ice cream man asked. Due to her short size the man didn't see her at first.

"Down here Pops!" Topaz yelled. She hated being reminded of how short she is… "Excuse me Mr. Nice Ice Cream Man, sir," she said using the same irritatingly cute and innocent routine that she's been using on Pearl all this time. "May I have a Double Vanilla Surprise please?"

"Why sure you can. That will be 3 dollars please."

"Fuck. I forgot about money… Oh well… I know how to get things for free…" Topaz thought deviously. "I'm sorry sir, Mrs. Ass- Beater didn't give me any money," she said with a sad tone.

"Mrs. Ass-Beater?"

"Yes. She's the master of the orphanage I live in. She beats up on us poor orphans all the time. She puts us in chains and makes us do chores like give her a sponge bath and clean her dildos. She hates me the most though. I spoke out of turn so she killed my doggy, gave me cancer-."

"Cancer?!" He asked incredulously.

"Yes cancer. And then she set me on fire and as an added punishment, I'm not allowed to eat for a week. I'd _really_ love to have some of your yummy delicious ice cream but…" Topaz stabbed herself in the palm with a thumbtack behind her back to make herself cry. Feeling pity for the small girl in front of him, the ice cream man gave her the ice cream, free of charge.

"Don't cry little orphan girl. Here's your ice cream and you can have as much as you want from now on, okay?"

"You're a kind soul…" She said happily. She then waved goodbye to him and once he was out of earshot she started laughing maniacally. "What a dumb ass! God, I'm good at this crap!" She gloated.

"Hurry, hurry, hurry, step right up! Come and see the greatest moment of all mankind, originally done by me but shall be played by my associate, whom shall be known under the alias of 'The Crowned Clown' for now… No we are not making a D. Gray-man reference!"

Topaz stopped on the spot. Once she heard 'The Crowned Clown' she dropped her ice cream and turned to see where the voice came from. The voice came from a Chatot holding a megaphone. His 'associate' was a boy about Topaz's age. The boy was wearing nothing but his tighty-whiteys with little crosses on them and a headband with several sevens across it. It was none other then Jack and Jesus… A small crowd formed around them. Topaz pushed her way to the front.

"Jack? What the hell are you doing here?" Topaz asked but the sound of the people around her drowned her voice out.

"We shall be doing a reenactment of the Passion of well, me, Jesus Christ. Jack- I mean- The Crowned Clown will be playing me while I play the part of the brutal Roman soldiers," Jesus explained. This only furthered the audience's confusion but they went along with it anyway. "Get ready boy."

"Righto!" Jack said. He retrieved a heavy wooden cross about as tall as he was and pretended to be dragging it across the ground. "I have just been sentenced to death by Pontius Pilate and that total Dickwad, Judas. Things totally suck right now. I hope nothing bad happens to me- Oh no! Here comes the Roman Soldier!" Jack acted (poorly). Jesus replaced his megaphone for a whip.

"Agito meretrix meretricis!" Jesus shouted hoarsely in Latin. It roughly translates to 'Move whore!' He cracked his whip and hit Jack in the back. He looked feverishly angry for some reason. Jack fell flat on his stomach out of pain.

"YOWCH! I thought you said you weren't gonna hit me!"

"Oops… Sorry J- Crowned Clown. I got carried away sometimes… I just get so angry when I remember what those fucking Jews did to me…" Jesus apologized.

"It's okay buddy… Now where were we…? Oh yeah. Well it pretty sucks to be me right now- Oh no! They're going to nail me to the cross!" Jesus once again replaced his whip for a hammer and a bunch of thumbtacks. "Uh… What are you gonna do with those?"

"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm going to nail you to the cross."

"Um… You were serious about that?" Something told Topaz that they weren't acting anymore…

"Yes I was serious boy!"

"I thought you were kidding about that!"

"I'm _God_, boy. I _never_ lie."

"Oh. That didn't occur to me before… But I'm still not letting you nail me down!"

"Why not? _I_ did it for all of humanity, why can't you do it for _me_?"

"Because it'll hurt like hell and I'll die a slow and painful death!"

"Nonsense. Even _if_ you die I'll just bring you back in three days…"

"IF?! You of all people should know that this is a fucking certainty! I don't want to die!"

"Damn it, I'm the Son of God! That means what I say goes! And I say stay here and let me you crucify you!" Jesus advanced on Jack brandishing his hammer at Jack's head.

"Nah, dude! Fuck off!" They abandoned all attempts of a _production _as Jack ran around in a circle while Jesus attempted to hit him in the head with his hammer. The audience lost all interest in them and dispersed. Topaz was the only one who stayed behind. She chuckled to herself.

"Oh how the mighty have fallen… _The_ Crowned Clown has been reduced to taking orders from a bird in his underwear," she taunted. Jack came to a stop once he realized she was there. Jesus crashed into Jack's side at full speed by accident, causing them to both fall to the ground.

"Toto?" Jack said. "Is that really you? I can't believe it's really you!"

"I could say the same for you…"

"Excuse me but what the fuck is going on here?" Jesus asked. Topaz helped them both back onto their feet.

"Jesus, this is my old friend Topaz. We grew up in the same orphanage. Topaz, this is Jesus Christ resurrected into the form of a Chatot. I'm helping him spread the 'Church of Winged Jesus' which is, in essence, the Catholic Church done right," Jack explained. Topaz looked skeptically at them both.

"Jack… That's a Chatot."

"No it's not. It's Jesus."

"No… It's a Chatot."

"Is not!"

"Is to!"

"Is not!"

"If it looks, smells, feels, flies, and tastes like a Chatot, it's a Chatot!"

"Damn it! He's not a Chatot you whore biscuit!" Topaz responded by kicking him in the stomach. "GAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! My intestines!" Topaz giggled at him.

"I've always been able to kick your ass… Jack, I don't understand. You used to be the Clown Prince of Rebellion at the orphanage! You were the general who led our orphan army against our hateful masters! Those kids needed you! They'll be really disappointed when they find out their hero left to become some kind of a-."

"Some kind of what?"

"Some kind of altar boy or something!" Jack didn't answer. He glared at her before turning on his heel and leaving. Jesus hurriedly followed after him.

"I've dedicated myself to an even greater cause Toto. That's all you need to know…

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It just occurred to me that I didn't explain the weird music but I really don't feel like re-writing this chapter just for that…


	40. Diamond Joins the Fight

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Riley stared down into the abyss. His eyes darted around searching for any sign of his missing (and possibly deceased) Machamp. None of us has ever seen him in a panic before so the sight of him like that was unnerving. Soli, however, delighted in Riley's fear and cackled in triumph. He casually walked over to him and picked Riley off the floor by the collar. Riley didn't do a single thing to get free. He had lost his will to fight…

"I'm gonna knock you out! Mama said knock you out! I'm gonna knock you out! Mama said knock you out!" Soli sang whilst punching Riley in the face in between sentences. "I'm gonna knock you-."

"STOP IT!" Cheryl screamed. Milotic shot a large jet of water towards Soli but Steelix took the hit for him, knocking itself out in the process. Sceptile leaped over the unconscious serpent and drop kicked Soli away from Riley. In the process, however, Riley fell into the chasm. He managed to hang onto the edge of the hole just in time though. Marley and Cheryl ran over to the side and both reached out their hands to Riley but he refused to take them.

"Riley grab on!" Marley urged.

"No! I can't leave Machamp down there!"

"But Riley, you heard Soli!" Cheryl said. "Nothing but rock and steel pokemon could have survived that drop. You have to face it; your Machamp is d-."

"MACHAMP ISN'T FUCKING DEAD AND DON'T EVEN _THINK _ABOUT TELLING ME OTHERWISE!" Riley roared. I was taken aback a little. That was the first time I ever heard Riley get genuinely angry… Cheryl looked despairingly down at Riley.She looked as if she was about to break down into tears.

"Riley please…" She begged. "If you go down there you'll die too!"

"DAMN IT CHERYL! NO ONE'S FUCKING DEAD! PLUS I'D DIE TO SAVE ANY ONE OF MY POKEMON! BOTH OF YOU JUST GET AWAY FROM ME!" While those three were arguing I kept my eye on Soli. He had gotten back to his feet and while everyone was distracted he bolted for the exit, leaving his Steelix behind. Sceptile noticed this too and pursued after him. Soli turned around and released his Bastiodon to block Sceptile's path.

"Fire Blast!" Soli ordered. The deadly man shaped blast connected with Sceptile, sending it flying into a wall. I quickly assessed the situation at hand.

"Sceptile's down, Machamp is probably dead, Milotic is back in its ball, Marley and Cheryl are trying to save Riley's life and Riley suddenly turned emo… I'm the only one who can stop him!" I realized. I wanted to take him down but this stupid electric bubble Magnezone kept me in prevented me from helping in the slightest. "Hey Magnezone!" I called. "Your mother was a toaster oven!" All three of its eyes glared down at me. "Damn what was Nintendo doing when they made you? You look like a bunch of testicles taped together with magnets and screws! They must have been really, really stoned when they thought of you, Lickilicky and Probopass!" Magnezone released its hold over my electric cage and charged straight at me. It tackled me in midair, its outer ring dug a gash into my stomach but I didn't care. I was free. I held onto it and smirked into its middle eye.

"Bring it on… Pussy!" I added before I spat in its middle eye. It shrieked and nearly bucked me off of it. I hung onto its ring with one hand and used my free hand to toss two pokeballs to the top of Magnezone's head. Punchy and Hoppy appeared. They both looked confused as to why they were standing on a Magnezone's head. "I don't care how you guys do it, just kick its ass until it stops moving!" I ordered. They both saluted me before wildly punching and kicking every inch of Magnezone they could reach. I let go of Magnezone and went into a free fall until I called Poopy out of its ball. It adeptly caught me by the shoulders before I crashed into the stalagmites below.

"Go after the dick in the hood!" I ordered. Poopy flew us over (right after it relieved itself on my back…) to where Soli and Bastiodon were trying to escape. It flew close to the ground so it could drop me and gain more speed. It darted for the back of Soli's head with stupidly high speed until Bastiodon leaped in front of it. Poopy collided into Bastiodon's massive metallic face with loud thud followed by several cracks. Its beak seemed to have been cracked in impact as well as a few bones.

"POOPY!" I shrieked. I picked up the small crow. My guess was right. A deep crack formed in its beak and both of its wings' bones were shattered. Up until now, I've considered Poopy as the very first I've ever captured. Punchy, Hoppy and Sandy were all captured by either Prof. Rowan and Sharon but I captured Poopy all on my own. It hurt me personally to see it so banged up…

"What do we have here…?" Soli asked turning to me. "Have you come to join me Diamond? If you come then I'll spare your friends' lives…"

"What the hell do you want with me anyway?"

"I only wish to teach you child…" He said mysteriously.

"Yeah right… Well let me teach _you_ something Soli."

"What is it?"

"Never. Ever. Fuck. With. ME! SANDY! I hope you're hungry, the feast is about to begin!"

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Really short chapter, I know. But I've been wanting to get back to Diamond the others for a while now.


	41. The 10000 Hits and 50 Reviews Special

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

"Ma! We're out of fucking soda pop!" Diamond called. He and Pearl were at Diamond's house. They were basically sitting on the couch gazing into the TV in the dark. They only left the room to use the bathroom and to get more chips and soda.

"So? What do you want me to do about it?" Diamond's mother shouted back.

"Could you get us some more? Dumb bitch…"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

"I said my thumb has a stitch."

"Oh. Anyway, no, I am not getting you damn couch potatoes anymore damn soda! I'm going out with Earl tonight so I don't have to time to get you friggin' soda!" Pearl and I cringed when she mentioned Earl.

"Eww… Earl…" We said simultaneously. Earl was Diamond's Mom's new fat, disgusting slob of a boyfriend. Pearl flipped onto a music channel where the video for Missy Elliot's Ching-a-ling was playing.

"Ah! I love this video!" Pearl exclaimed. "The popping locking Asian guys are so cool! They're called U Min, right?"

"I think so, yeah. Y'know, I have respect for Missy Elliot as an artist but there's just something that keeps bothering me about her."

"What is it?"

"Well, in a lot of her songs she talks about how she has crazy sex with lots of guys but the thing is… I really can't imagine _anyone_ wanting to do her. Seriously, can you imagine how _nasty_ it would be to see her naked?" Pearl cringed even worse than when Earl was mentioned.

"Eww… You have a point… Dude, can you imagine what her ass must look like in a thong? It must look like two big black bongos… I see it now, Donkey Konga 4: Black Mamba edition."

"Dude, a Black Mamba isn't a gorilla. It's a snake," Diamond corrected.

"Huh? No way! Black Mamba is the mythical big black gorilla of West Africa who's in juxtaposition with the oppressive Moby Dick, the Great White Whale! (Awkwardly placed slavery reference -.-)"

"Bullshit Pearl! Where did you get your facts; the back of a fucking cereal box? Black Mamba is a type of snake! It's like, the second most venomous snake in the world!"

"No it's not you dick!"

"I'm not a dick, you're the dick!"

"You're a dick!"

"You're a dick!"

"You're a dick!"

"You're a dick!"

"You're a dick!"

"You're a dick!"

"You're a-," Pearl was interrupted by Dawn suddenly bursting into the room. She looked pale and extremely out of breath.

"GUYS! I've been looking for you everywhere! What have you been doing this whole time?"

"Pondering over the mysteries of life, which brings forth new paths towards enlightenment in both the reality of what's around us and in our selves…" Pearl said in a sage-like manner.

"… We're arguing over whether a black mamba is a snake or a gorilla," Diamond corrected.

"Oh. It's a snake in case you guys didn't know," Dawn said.

"HA! I told you dick face!"

"Eat a dick you cunt!"

"Suck it pussy hole!"

"Don't make me your rape your ass into the next millennium, you friggin-."

"GUYS!" Dawn shouted over them both. "Can you shut up for five minutes?! Damn, we don't even _have _fiveminutes! We were supposed to start the 'Diamond Fists 10000 hits/50 Reviews Special' an hour ago!"

"Yeah… Dawn, we forgot to tell you that we're not doing the special anymore," Diamond said.

"What?! Why?"

"Hello? Pondering the mysteries of the universe over here," Pearl replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Shut up Pearl," Diamond snapped. "If you really want the truth Dawn, RTJ couldn't think of anything spectacular enough to make a 10000 hits special-."

"Not that we didn't give him ideas mind you-." Pearl butted in.

"I suggested that he should make a special of me spreading my sagely wisdom to the masses and raising an army to lead a pseudo- communist revolt-."

"Then I said that that was gay. _I_ suggested that we get a harem of beautiful Brazilian prostitutes to suck on our-."

"That's when _I_ said that we're not going to get bumped up to an M rated fic just for a special. Then I called Pearl a dumb ass, then he punched me in the mouth and naturally we beat the crap out of each other until we each gave the other a concussion-."

"Then RTJ dragged us back here saying 'I'm never letting you two dimwits decide anything for me again! I'll just compile the rest of the 300 specials together so I can finally be done with it…'

"That's it?" Dawn asked incredulously. "B-But we had an entire festival planned out for you guys! We all took time out to learn our parts in the 'Diamond Fists, God of All Fanfictions, Rock Opera'! I was even gonna reveal my feelings to Diamond-."

"What was that last part?" Diamond asked.

"NOTHING!" Dawn shouted. "Anyway… you mean to tell me that all that hard work was for nothing?!"

"Pretty much," Pearl answered. "It's not the end of the world Dawn. Come on, pull up a seat. The special's about to start on TV!" He said enthusiastically.

"It's on TV?"

"Yup. And in high definition too," Diamond said. Dawn finally gave in and took a seat in between the boys. He rested her head on Diamond's shoulder but he seemed to be oblivious to her and the blush on her face. "Let's get the show on the road! RTJ play the movie you pussy!" I gave him an appropriate lightning bolt from up above. Dawn luckily moved out of the way before it struck her too.

"Silly Diamond. You should know by now that you're always gonna be my bitch," I said from up above using my godly omnipotent voice again.

"Sorry RTJ…"

"Good. Now let's get this shit on the road!"

Pearl flipped to the appropriate channel but all he got was static. "Hey what gives?" He said. "Where's the freaking 300 special?"

"Yeah… I kind of quit halfway through while writing it…" I said feeling slightly ashamed.

"WHAT?!" All three of them exclaimed.

"It was getting too long- winded and I didn't like the wording for most of it so I just quit while I was ahead… Too bad. It was going to be filled with top notch violence too… Diamond and his full team of six pokemon were even gonna kill an Uber Mewtwo instead of an Uber Immortal like in the movie…"

"… You suck RTJ!" Diamond shouted at me.

"Fuck off Pussy Avenue!"

"Suck my- Wait. Pussy Avenue?"

"I think I might use that next time we argue," Pearl said making a note of it on his handy dandy notepad of 'What to call Diamond when he's being a dick' jokes.

"So you mean to tell me there's not going to be a 10000 Hits/50 Reviews Special _or _a 300 Special?" Dawn asked.

"Yep."

"… He's right RTJ, you do suck!"

"…You dare challenge the authority of RTJ, the supreme author god of this world?!" I yelled using my omnipotent voice again. "Prepare to die infidels!"

"OH SHIT RUN FOR IT!" Diamond screamed as lightning bolts started to rain down upon them. All three of them ran away, screaming for their lives while I laughed maniacally at their suffering.

"YOU'LL ALWAYS BE MY BITCHES!"

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Okay. Besides from being lazy, there was another reason for canceling the 300 special. I've been researching stuff about the actual movie 300 and found out that that Persian people were really pissed off because the movie portrayed them as 'monsters' and a 'sub race'. I highly doubt that any Persian person actually _reads_ this story but I didn't want to offend anyone nevertheless. I was actually thinking of replacing all the Persians for the _pokemon_ Persians but I felt that that would be weird... So I just gave up on it altogether and don't really plan to go back to it.

Anyway, this wouldn't be a Special at all if I didn't say something to my fans… YOU'RE ALL MOTHERFUCKING AWESOME! You've turned a product of my boredom into the awesomeness that it is today! Without that steady stream of hits and reviews, I was going to end this story by the fourth chapter. Now, it is quickly becoming my most successful fanfiction _**EVER**_! _**YAYNESS!**_ So once again, thanks to all of you and I hope you continue to read this! And don't be afraid to get involved in this either. If you guys have any suggestions to make Diamond Fists, I'm all ears. I want you die hard fans out there to get involved and if you're lucky, I'll insert you or your OC into the story! Okay, now that I've said my piece… GET LOST! My brain needs to ferment on ideas for the next chapter (and do homework)…

-RTJ


	42. Side Story 7: The Origin of Jack

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

**The Origin of Jack**

A metallic 'clink', an echoing THWACK, an indignant grunt. I swore through my teeth. My eyes began to tear up but I immediately blinked them away. I will _never_ let her see me cry. She grunted when she heard me curse but unlike my grunt, hers was one of annoyance. She pressed my face harder into the concrete wall, closing off my nostrils and forcing me to breath through my mouth. Her other hand, the one holding the belt, retreated behind her head and came down on my back once again.

The blow rippled down my spine and down into my legs. The shockwaves of pain finally defeated my legs, causing them to buckle out from under me and making me fall to my knees. She finally released her grip on the back of my head but I still leaned my forehead against the wall. Right about now she was smirking that triumphant smirk that I detested so much. It was a disgusting smirk, fattened with malice and prided on the fact that the owner has caused me to fall to my knees. I've seen that smirk way too much…

"There Jack," she croaked gloatingly in her ancient and cracking voice. "I hope that'll teach you not to call me a 'Geriatric, decrepit, old nipple bag with bosoms bigger and saggier than eighteen wheelers'!" I grumbled something discretely, still refusing to take my eyes off of the wall and into her gaze.

"What was that boy? Speak up! Tell me what you said or I'll give you another beating!… And look at me when I'm talking to you!" She grabbed the back of my head once again and spun me around to face her. I glared back at her with defiant eyes. "Tell me what you said boy!"

"I said that next time I'll call you a childless old bitch with a butt that can cause an eclipse!" I said giving a smirk of my own which caused hers to disappear. I was grateful that she forgot to tie my arms together this time. I pushed her hand off of me and while she was stunned by the sudden movement, I snatched the belt out of her other hand.

"Wha- Why you little monster! Give me back my belt this instant!" She made a move to pin me to the wall again but I quickly shifted to the right. Before she could even attempt to get at me again I quickly ran behind her.

"Eww… I was totally right about the butt thing…" I groaned. I grabbed her wrists and pulled her arms behind her back. Her butt obscured my view (curse my shortness…) but I still managed to tie her hands together with the belt. I always knew learning to tie my shoes would pay off somehow…

"You filthy little mongrel! Untie me right now or so help me I will get Mr. Douche-Bag!"

"You and Mr. Douche-Bag can rot in hell for all I care! We orphans will one day overtake you bastards!" She tried to lash out at me with her legs but I was too quick for her. I tore up the stairs as fast as I could and slammed the cellar door behind me. Luckily for me, the old nipple bag forgot to take the key out of its hole. Seizing the opportunity, I locked the door behind me. I stood with my back against the door. I frantically looked around to see if anyone else was around.

"The coast is clear Jack," a familiar voice said from up above. I looked up to see my friend Topaz and my black friend Rob (whom I affectionately call Blacky Boo) smiling down at me from an air vent they crawled into.

"Don't just sit there like idiots, help me up!" I demanded. Rob momentarily out of sight but came back two seconds later with a screwdriver. He unscrewed the grill and they both reached their hands out to me. I tried to grab one of them but couldn't reach them. "Fuck! I hate being short!"

"Ahem…" Topaz coughed.

"Sorry Toto…" I almost forgot that Topaz was easily the shortest kid in the orphanage. Loud footsteps started echoing from upstairs. From the sound of it, they were coming down to me.

"Shit! Come on Jack! Jump for it you dumb ass!" Rob urged.

"I'm trying damn it!" I said. The footsteps were steadily getting louder with every step.

"…Ugh, time to see if Ms. Beatyourkidneysin finally knocked some sense into Jack," the all too familiar voice said to himself. I immediately recognized him as Mr. Douche-Bag, the evilly cruel master of our orphanage.

"Shit!" We all exclaimed at once.

"What do we do, what do we do, what do we do?!" Rob babbled frantically. Topaz popped him in the mouth to make him shut up.

"Calm down Rob! We're gonna get Jack out of this, right Ja- JACK?! Where are you?!" I had already opened the cellar door and ran back down the stairs. Ms. Beatyourkidneysin was so busy trying to get the belt off of her wrists that she didn't notice me come up behind her.

"Under normal circumstances I'd leave you like this but I need to live another day!" I said. I pushed her to the ground and watched her topple to the floor. Mr. Douche-Bag's footsteps were coming even closer. There wasn't much time…

I leaped onto Ms. Beatyourkidneysin's back and hurriedly undid the belt knot. She unexpectedly tipped onto her side, making me fall off of her and onto my ass.

"YOUR ASS IS MINE JACK!" She roared savagely.

"If I may borrow some words of wisdom from Soulja Boy… Yahhh, bitch, Yahhh!" I shouted. I cracked the belt like a whip and smacked her in the hand with it. She recoiled just long enough for me to dash back up the stairs and lock the door behind me.

"GUYS! Catch the other end of the belt!" I shrieked. I held on to one end and tossed the other into the air… but no one caught it. Topaz and Rob were gone and I soon found out why.

A fist (at least I think it was a fist, it felt more like a rock) came crashing into the side of my face. I toppled onto my side, feeling slightly dazed from the blow. I rolled to the right as a large man's foot came crashing down right where my head had been half a second earlier. Now on my back, I looked up to see who my assailant was.

"You never fucking learn, do you Jack?" Mr. Douche-bag asked; his voice was half in mockery, the other half was fury.

"Yep. That's right I never learn. But do you know _why_ I never learn?" Mr. Douche-Bag crossed his arms and smirked down at me.

"Fine. I'll humor you. Why do you never learn?"

"I never learn because you bastards don't send us to fucking school! Oh yes, I know what goes on around this place! You never let us out because you want to keep us trapped and ignorant in this hell hole! You're trying to turn us into your slaves!" I shouted, all of my anger spurting out of me. "You bastards can't lock us up forever! THE REVOLUTION IS ON!" He knew I was right, everyone in the orphanage knows yet he pretended like he had no idea what I was talking about. He chuckled to himself before pinning me down by stamping down on my stomach with his massive foot. "GAAAHH!" I squealed in pain.

"You have such an imagination Jack, what with your talk of slaves and revolutions… A good beating should silence you…" He said before pressing down harder on my stomach. But this time I didn't cry out. This time I smirked up at his twisted face.

"An innocent man doesn't need to silence anyone- GAAAAHHHH! MOTHERFUCKER!" The bastard gave me a giant kick to the nuts that sent me skidding into the back wall headfirst. While I was still confused his hand wrapped around my neck. He was crushing my windpipe but I still refused to let him feel like he beaten me.

"Where'd you learn to f-fight? A women's defense class?" I mocked. He balled his hand into a fist and reared it back. Right when he was going to bring it down on my face when-.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" He roared in agony. Rob had finally come back and leaped out of the air vent. He was firing two BB guns at once, effectively pelting him long enough for me to get back onto my feet.

"You rock Blacky Boo!" I called out to him.

"I thought I told you to stop calling me that!"

"Would you rather be called Negro Amigo instead?"

"… Blacky Boo's fine…"

"Don't get your cornrows in a bunch Rob," I said leaping out of the way of the now writhing Mr. Douche-Bag. "Yo, toss me a gun! I want to make this bastard pay!" Rob tossed one of the guns over Mr. Douche-Bag's head and I caught it in midair. I began to shoot him in the back while Rob assaulted him from the front. While we kept him trapped in the middle like this he could no longer escape us. We kept him at bay for five minutes before he covered his head with his arms and desperately ran up the stairs to escape.

"Let's go after that piece of shit!" I suggested trying to go after him but Rob grabbed the back of my shirt and pulled me back.

"Let him go! We've got a meeting to get to! Toto!" Rob shouted to the air vent. Toto reappeared and took the grill out. I threw the belt up to her which she promptly grabbed.

"You risked getting the beating of a lifetime just to get a _belt?_ Are you insane?" Topaz asked.

"Slightly. Could you help us up already? I'm not waiting around for Douche-Bag to get reinforcements," I said back. I grabbed onto the other end of the belt and held on tight. Topaz effortlessly pulled me in, much like how a fisherman reels in a fish. She may look short and scrawny but I had to admit that she's the strongest kid here… I crashed headfirst into the side of the air vent pathway and a second 'thud' and a few curse words told me that Rob was just reeled into.

"Damn! Can't you do that _without_ hurting us for once?" Rob complained rubbing his forehead.

"But hurting you guys is the best part! It's how I get my pent up aggression out!"

"We're _all_ going to let out our aggression out by tomorrow… Come on. We need to rally the troops," I said. All three of us crawled down our familiar path towards the 'Secret Headquarters/Bat Cave/Clubhouse/Fortress/Bachelor Pad/Citadel of Awesomeness'. The kids couldn't decide which name sounded cooler so they just picked all of them… We stopped at an ancient rusty fan that hasn't worked in years. I turned one of the blades out of the way. A hand immediately came through the space I just made. I grabbed onto it and was pulled through the space between the blades. We were now in the secret pathway to the Secret Headquarters.

"What's up CC?" The owner of the hand asked. CC stood for 'Crowned Clown' which is what all the kids are going to call me once we get into battle. As long as the adults didn't know the leader (me), they couldn't punish any of us without getting a massive ass kicking.

"The usual forty lashes Joey," I said back. "This time I managed to lock her in the basement though." Joey gave me a pat on the back.

"Nothing less from our Crowned Clown! I have a good feeling about this CC. We're gonna win this war!"

"He wouldn't have gotten away without _my_ help," Rob said gloatingly. He and Topaz climbed into the room with us. Topaz punched him in the shoulder. "OW! What was that for?!"

"Both of you idiots wouldn't have escaped without _my_ help!"

"Who cares?" I asked. "It doesn't matter who did the most, what's important is that we escaped. Now, go in there and keep the kids focused long enough for me to gear up." Without a word Rob, Joey and Topaz opened the door to our Headquarters, went inside and closed the door behind them. I stamped my foot on each of the surrounding floor boards. When I found the creakiest one I pulled it back to reveal a small compartment with a clown mask and a Burger King crown. I put both of them on and hurriedly went into the room.

"CROWNED CLOWN! CROWNED CLOWN! CROWNED CLOWN!" Was the chant that greeted me. The orphans formed a path in their circle so I could get to the middle and closed it off again. I looked around the mass of the smiling faces. I grinned behind my mask. I was glad that I could give these poor and downtrodden kids a reason to smile.

"Fellow kids! Tell me. How long has it been since we've seen sunlight? When was the last time we _didn't_ get a beating for merely existing? When was the last time any of you had a piece of candy?" I said.

"I had a stale breath mint I found under the couch the other day. Does that count?" One of the kids asked.

"… It was a rhetorical question Barry…"

"Sorry Ja- I mean, Crowned Clown…"

"Whatever… Now where was I… We are kids! We're meant to be carefree and innocent! We're meant to play in mud, kill insects, beat people with sticks, play tag, run in fields, climb trees, build clubhouses, eat candy until we vomit, spit at each other… but here we are… Trapped in this den of lions with no sunlight, no fresh air, and no freedom!

"The adults violate the very meaning of orphanages! They've broken three essential rules. One, they've been keeping potential parents away from this place. That is a violation of federal law. Two, they're trying to break us until we turn into the personal slaves. What are we, black people?"

"Ahem…" Rob couched. He was glaring at me and ready to pull out his BB gun on me.

"Sorry Blacky Boo, it was just a joke! Anyway… That is a violation of human rights! And the third rule they've broken… The worst one of them all… They've taken away the most important thing of all…" I said taking a dramatic pause.

"Taken away what?! What is it?!" The whole group asked simultaneously. They were literally on the edge of their seats because of my speech.

"They took… THEY TOOK AWAY OUR CHILDHOOD! THAT'S A CRIME AGAINST NATURE!" I shrieked, utter fury rippling out of me and into the other's hearts. All of this anger that was building up inside of me was finally coming out. "They'll pay for their crimes in boo boos, wedgies, noogies, and if we hit them hard enough… BLOOD! They say that every dog has its day. Well, I say we've been treated like dogs long enough, it's time to have our day!" I was immediately throttled by hugs, pats on the back, applause and cheering.

"LONG LIVE THE CLOWN! LONG LIVE THE CLOWN! LONG LIVE THE CLOWN!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the meeting I walked back to my room alone. We all needed to be in our beds before curfew or they'll suspect us of something. I've made every single orphan to pinky swear not to tell the adults anything so I didn't have to worry about them blabbing. But there's one kid that could give us problems…

"Well, well, well. Look what we have here," The same problematic person I was thinking person of sneered at me.

"Shit. It's Jill," I muttered. I turned around to face him… yes, him.

"It Jillian you twit!" He shouted. Jill was Mr. Douche-Bag's very own son. He spent most of his time snooping on us, always waiting for a chance to tell on us to his father. He then watches amusedly with wide eyes as we got our beatings, laughing his head off the whole time. Basically, (for those of you who don't get it by now) he's a dick.

"Either way, you have a girl's name dude," I retorted.

"You better watch your mouth Jack. Daddy's been extremely pissed after what you and Robert did to him. He's ready to have a go at you at any moment!" I turned back around. It was better to just ignore Jill because anything you say to him could be potentially used against you. "Hey! Come back here! I'm not finished talking to you!"

"Well _I'm_ done talking with _you_," I said over my shoulder, seeing no harm could come to me if I said it. Jill fumed with anger, he detested being ignored. Seeing the opportunity, he crouched behind me and snatched the clown mask and crown out of my bag. "Hey! Give those back!"

"Why do you have these Jack? Are you trying to make yourself even uglier?" I ignored his taunts once again and lunged for my disguise. He moved them out of my reach at the last second; making me hit the ground face first. "BWA HA HA HA HA! What a fool! It's that kind of buffoonery that's keeping you guys trapped in this place!" I lost my temper. I leaped back to my feet and socked him as hard as I could, giving him a bloody nose and (as an added bonus) sent him sprawling down to the floor. While he was down I took my crown and mask back.

"I-I'm telling my father on you! When he gets here he will- AAAAAHHHHHH!" He was interrupted by me kicking him in the stomach.

"Your father's not gonna get involved in this one, _Jill_," I said venomously. "You never seem to learn do you?" I sounded strangely like Mr. Douche-Bag when I said that…

"L-Learn what?" He asked defiantly but I could tell it was a bluff. He was looking up at me with fear and tears were streaming from his eyes.

"When are you gonna learn not to start fights that you won't fight for yourself? I'm through with you hiding behind your dad! Stand up and fight me you coward!" He slowly got back to his feet, eyeing me apprehensively.

"You- You're just j-jealous of me! You wanna know why?"

"Why? Because you're a bitch?"

"Yes. I mean no! You're jealous of me because I have a parent! I have someone who loves me, someone who cares whether I stay alive or not! You… No one would care if you die! No one loves you Jack!" He shouted feverishly. I hung my head, he actually struck a nerve but I tried to ignore it.

"If I had a parent like yours I'd rather stay as an orphan… Plus, I've got an entire orphanage full of friends while you just have your maniac of a father…" I said. He was stunned by this comment. I'm the one who struck a nerve this time… I ran away from the scene as fast as I could. I was gonna get in serious trouble now that I've hit that little bastard. I needed to make it back to my room and lock the door before Jill could tell on me to Mr. Douche-Bag.

I lunged headfirst into my room. I ended up skidding into the back wall and hurting my head again but I didn't care at the moment. I quickly shut and locked the door behind me. I stood with my back against it, listening for the resounding footsteps of Mr. Douche-Bag and his total homo of a son. The coast seemed clear…

"What am I so worked up about anyway? The door's locked for Christ's sake!"

"You called?" A sarcastic voice echoed through the room. I jumped as if I just got electrocuted.

"W-Who's th-th-there!?" I stammered. "Show yourself!"

"Isn't it obvious? You've already said my name boy. And for the record, my sake tastes just fine with the door open," the voice said back, accompanied by slurping noise. "Oh yeah. That's the stuff."

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Hmm? You don't get the joke?"

"Nuh uh."

"Oh come on kid, it's a pun on the word sake because 'sake' is a Japanese alcoholic beverage! _Everybody_ knows that!"

"Uh… Dude, I'm seven. I barely know how to read…" I can't believe I'm having a conversation with a voice from nowhere….

"These books you keep in here prove otherwise. You're reading books that college students have trouble reading. _Communist Manifesto, Das Kapital, Their Trotsky and Ours… _I know its going to be pointless to ask but… Are you a Marxist?"

"Uh, yeah. Wait a minute. I keep those books in my closet… How'd you get in my closet?"

"Oh yeah… I kind of got trapped in between the walls and pecked my way until I reached this closet and-."

"Pecked?"

"It'll all become clear when you open the door. Actually, it will probably get more confusing if you're a closed-minded sort of person… Judging by the Marxists I've met you'll probably tie me to something and analyze me…"

"This isn't making any sense!" I cried out.

"Just open the door kid!" The voice said irritably. I slowly walked over to my closet. My hand trembled as I reached out for the handle.

"I'm going to open this door so you better not try to rape me when I let you out!"

"I wouldn't dream of it boy… Please just hurry and let me out, there're dead Rattatas in here and they're freaking me out…" I opened the door quickly and shielded myself with my arms, just in case whoever it was tried to lash out at me. I waited a few seconds before letting my guard down and looking for the stranger trapped in my closet.

At first, I thought that nobody was there. I then looked down to find a Chatot sitting on a pile of my books. A bottle labeled 'Sake' was in the Chatot's beak as it guzzled down more of the drink. Seeing me, it put the bottle down and waved at me with its wing before taking a few more drinks.

"Me likey the sake…" It said finishing the last of its beverage.

"A Chatot?" I asked out of disbelief. None of the Chatots I've read about can hold a conversation quite like this one can. I've never read about a Chatot that reads communist books and drinks Sake either…

"Well, yes and no. I am Jesus Christ, reincarnated into the form of a Chatot," it said simply. This only added to my confusion.

"Jesus Christ? I imagined you to be much more…" I said struggling to find the right word.

"Taller? Yeah I get that a lot…"

"No. Well yes, I imagined you'd be taller but the word I was looking for was humanlike… Wait a minute. This can't be right! Jesus Christ doesn't exist and even if he did I bet he wouldn't be dumb enough to reincarnate himself into the form of a Chatot!"

"See. This is what I meant by closed-minded Marxists," the Jesus/Chatot said with an angry wince.

"Well it's true! Marx says that your religion is the-."

"Opiate of the masses, I know. Well, tell me Jack. If communism is the one 'true' way people should live, then how come not one single communist nation has lasted a century while my _Church_ has lasted through twenty of them?"

"The communist nations have all failed or are in the process of failing because they haven't done it the way Marx envisioned it! They always end up becoming a dictatorship and- Wait. How do you know my name? I never told it to you!" This was strange… Chatots don't have psychic abilities so how did he know my name?"

"I've been stuck in these walls a long time boy, so I pick up on a lot of conversations. I know all about you and your plans to lead a revolt to overthrow the adults. Judging from your reading material, I suppose you want to set up some kind of dictatorship of the proletariat or something."

"That's right! We'll turn this place into a utopia for kids everywhere. No one will rule over us ever again!" I said excitedly. The very thought was lifting my spirits up. Jesus just shook his head at me in contempt.

"It won't work."

"Pardon?"

"It won't work," he repeated. "I know you're looking for a way to end oppression but violence is the wrong way to attain it. If you try it the other way-."

"If you're talking about that non-violent peaceful resolution crap then hold your breath! It may have worked out for Gandhi and MLK but it won't work here!" Jesus sighed.

"I see that there's no point in trying to stop you… Want some sake?" He asked offering me a bottle.

"Where'd you get that? You just finished your bottle!"

"Hello? I'm Jesus, remember? I can do anything," he said materializing three more bottles of sake in the air. "Do you believe in me now?" I ignored him and took a sip of the sake. I wasn't sure whether I believed he was Jesus or not. All I cared about was finally having an intellectual to talk to for once.

"This sake stuff is pretty good. You got any more?"

"I've got enough to last a lifetime," he said making a dozen more bottles appearing out of nowhere. We soon found ourselves downing bottle after bottle, getting drunker by the second. You could imagine how um… _interesting_ our discussions about communism and religion go.

"… N-No way dude. Lenin would to-to-totally kick Moses' ass!" I stammered.

"Dream on you cute little banana farmer… Moses would go all Ten Commandments on Lenin's ass… You've got a pretty nice ass…"

"Why thank you talking chicken… Hehehe… my nipples hurt when I twist them…" We also enjoyed a fair amount of singing…

Jack: Barbie's such a bitch,  
she is just a witch

Jesus: I really hate her,  
why does Ken date her?

Jack: Ken is such a man,  
I do all I can-

Jesus: Just to do him  
we just want to screw him!

(She's such a bitch I'm gonna scratch her eyes out)

Jack: I have dreams about Ken  
Being inside my den  
and we hold, and we kiss  
like we're sweet hearts

Jesus: But that Barbie's a slut,  
with her cute little butt  
and I guess Ken Likes boobs made  
of fake parts

Diamond: And I cry,  
every day,  
Cause' straight up that bitch is in my way!  
Oooh Oooh Oooh!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

… Right… We both eventually passed out on my bed. The next morning I woke up to the sound of explosions and screaming, making my hangover headache even worse.

"What the hell…? Guys, it's too early for playtime… I muttered before flopping down into my pillows. My eyes snapped open once I realized what's going on. "Oh no! The revolution! It started without me!" I hurriedly picked up my BB gun and baseball bat and dashed out of the room, leaving Jesus sleeping contently. I jumped down the flights of stairs to where the screaming was the loudest. I stopped halfway down the stairs to the entrance hall, too shocked to keep going.

All of my comrades were either being beaten around or corralled into corners by a pack of Croagunks. Toto and a few others tried to resist but were easily taken down by their Poison Jab attacks. The adults (plus Jill) were ignoring the other children and cackled at another fight. I climbed down the rest of the stairs and pushed my way through the pack of adults, ignoring their death threats and glares. I watched in horror when I saw what they were laughing at.

Rob and Joey were trying to fend off a particularly evil looking Toxicroak. They were swinging at it as hard as they could with their baseball bats, their BB guns laid in pieces just a few feet away. Toxicroak used its back hand to knock Rob onto the floor. His baseball bat flew out of his hand, making him completely vulnerable. Mr. Douche-Bag smirked down at him.

"Enough playing around Toxicroak. Finish him," he ordered. Toxicroak plunged the spike on its right hand into Rob's chest and quickly pulled it back out. The spike was dripping in blood and a purple liquid I guessed was poison…

"BLACKY BOO!" Joey and I shrieked. We knelt down by his side. The blow went straight through the heart. There was no way he could be alive… Tears streamed from my eyes and fell into the wound. Those monsters… How could they kill him in cold blood…? Joey let out a roar of utter fury and charged towards Toxicroak, wanting to kill it with all his might.

"NO JOEY! IT'LL GET YOU TOO!" I urged… but it was too late… I threw up at the sight. Toxicroak stabbed its other spike through Joey's heart and right through to the other side. Toxicroak tossed Joey's deceased body across the room and then charged straight for me. I didn't try to defend myself. I knew it was over…

And then everything went black. I blinked twice and rubbed my eyes to make sure I was seeing things correctly. Everyone and everything seemed to have disappeared including Rob and Joey's bodies. Nothing but darkness in all directions…

I got back to my feet and fumbled around for Rob, Joey or any other form of life for that matter. I was all alone in the darkness… or so I thought…

"Hello Jack…" A high and cold voice said from within the darkness. His voice had an echoing, other worldly-quality to it that chilled my spine.

"W-Who's there? Jesus? Is that you?" I asked. Since Jesus was the only one I know that could speak in a disembodied voice so I automatically assumed it was him. The voice chuckled to itself.

"History has given me many names. The Lord of Darkness, Bringer of War, Conquest, Pestilence and Death, Bones of the Apocalypse… But from here on out you shall call me by my true name… Giratina…" Another chill ran up my spine, making me feel as if someone was behind me. I spun around, only to find the darkness staring back at me…

"Where are we?" I asked.

"That is of little importance… We have other matters to discuss child…" Seeing as I didn't seem to be going anywhere anytime soon, I sat down on the non-existent ground.

"Sure. What do you wanna talk about disembodied voice from nowhere?"

"Giratina."

"Whatever."

"What if I told you that I could make all of your dreams come true? Freedom? Money? Power? I can give you it all Jack."

"Why would you do that for me? I don't even know what you look like."

"True, we haven't formally met but I've been watching over you since the day you were born… You've become almost like a son to me…" He said stressing the word 'almost'. Suddenly, the darkness under me lurched forwards and coiled around my legs, dragging me into it.

"What the hell?! What are you doing?!" I shrieked trying to break free. The darkness slowly reached over my ankles and climbed up to my knees. The more I struggled, the tighter its hold on me got. To make matters worse, I felt like I was sinking into the shadows.

"I can give you anything you want and all you have to do is submit to me and my darkness. What do you say child…?" I didn't even consider the question because more than half my body had sunken into the darkness by now. I struggled as hard as I could but I still eventually sank up to my neck into the constricting emptiness.

"Your darkness can't give me a home or a family… but right now, all I want is…" I began to say as the dark tendrils wound around my neck.

"Tell Uncle Giratina what you want child! He'll make it all better…"

"All I want is… REVENGE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. The world exploded in a flurry of light and color, nearly blinding me at first. I rubbed my eyes- The fact that I _could_ rub my eyes shocked me for a second. The darkness' hold on me was completely gone. I was back at the orphanage.

However, it was not what it was like before. The adults, Toxicroak, the Croagunks and the kids were all unconscious for some reason. I leaped over the mass of bodies and knelt down at Topaz's side.

"Toto! Wake up! We need to get the hell out of here-OW!" I urged as I shook her awake. Upon seeing me she punched me in the mouth. "What was that for?!"

"Where were you when the fighting broke out? Didn't you hear us screaming 'Where's the Crowned Clown' 'We need you Crowned Clown' 'We need your help Clowned' Clown'? Why didn't you come and help us?!" She ranted. In between each sentence she gave me a punch to the stomach.

"Stop! Toto, trust me, you wouldn't believe me if I told you." _I_ still can't believe a hyper intelligent Chatot got me drunk off of sake… Topaz sighed and feebly got back to her feet. She looked over at where the adults were still passed out.

"It was that idiot Jill who told them about our plans…"

"How could he? He wasn't invited to any of the meetings!"

"He said that he's been hearing rumors about a Crowned Clown going around and some information of our plans leaked out. He overhead us whispering about you and I guess he figured out on his own that you're the Crowned Clown…" I gave a sigh as well. He must have realized it when he took my mask and crown… Topaz gasped when she saw Rob and Joey's bodies.

"Are they-?"

"Yes… They are… I want you to get them and the others out of here."

"How are we gonna do that? All of the doors are locked!" I ran to Mr. Douche-Bag's side and took a roll of keys off of his belt.

"Take these and get them out of here. I need to talk to someone right now…" I said. Without looking back, I charged up the flights of stairs and back to my room. I kicked the door open and lunged onto the bed. Jesus, who was previously reading a magazine before I came in, flew over my head and landed down on my back.

"What's up Pudding Pop?"

"YOU!" I bellowed. "This is all your fault!" I managed to catch him before he flew away again and pinned him by his tiny neck to the wall. He didn't struggle to get away; he just sighed and looked at me reproachfully with those beady black eyes.

"I knew you were gonna pull a stunt like this… Well, I'll have you know that I am not responsible for your friends' deaths."

"YES YOU ARE! If you hadn't gotten me drunk off of that fucking sake shit then I could have helped them! And how do you know about-Nevermind…"

"Let's say that I _didn't_ get you drunk. Then what? You still would have gotten your pussy ass kicked by that Toxicroak! If anything, your friends died because of you! _You're_ the one that brainwashed them into becoming communists! You never had a chance to begin with!"

"LIAR! MARX SAID-."

"MARX SAID SHIT! He always said that the working class would beat the ruling class due to sheer numbers. But if the ruling class has a fucking secret weapon? It's a shame that Marx never knew _anything_ about actual combat!" He retorted. "Marxism is a school of thought that never works because humans can never band together and work as one single entity! I tried to tell you before that violence isn't the only way to end oppression-."

"I already told you that I'm not doing that civil disobedience crap-."

"NO! That's not it! The only definite way to end oppression is LOVE! LOVE BETWEEN FRIENDS AND FOES IS THE ONLY WAY! If you didn't see the adults as enemies and the adults, in turn, didn't see you guys as underlings then there would be no reason for rebellion!" I dropped Jesus. He was right and I knew it. I put my face in my hands and openly wept. This truly was my fault and no amount of yelling and revenge could ever change that…

"You're right!" I said through my tears. "You must be Jesus, only he would have this kind of wisdom…"

"Damn straight…"

"NO!" A voice that was not my own erupted out of my mouth. I recognized it as the cold, high voice of Giratina…

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ATTENTION: FROM THIS POINT ON THE STORY IS TOLD FROM _**JESUS' **_POINT OF VIEW!!!!

Jack reeled away from me in pain. He toppled backwards over the side of the bed and writhed almost disgustingly on the floor. He was clutching at his temples, trying to force the pain away.

"No…" He moaned in his own voice again. "Get out of my head Giratina…"

"Shut up you fool!" Giratina's voice retorted back. "The bird is telling you lies! Only listen to me!"

"Let the record show that once and for all… I'M NOT A BIRD! I'm just a God/Human entity trapped in a bird's body!" I shouted irritably over the groans and screaming. I doubt either of them listened to me…

"No! Screw you, whatever you are!"

"Whatever I am? Silly boy, from now on I am your other half! Submit to my darkness!" Suddenly, Jack/Giratina lurched forward into a sitting position. He gave one last scream before losing consciousness altogether. Black tendrils of some sort suddenly erupted from his sleeves and wrapped around his arms, staining them pure black. Every one of his nails turned crimson and elongated into knifelike talons.

"Uh… Jack? You still in there boy?" I asked. In response, he lurched upright again. His eyes snapped open to reveal new shining crimson eyes in eyes that just _oozed_ malice. For identity purposes I'm calling this one 'Anti Jack'. It's just too damn confusing to call him Giratina/Jack. Giratack is also an option but it sounds too much like a noise you make when you throw up for my liking…

Anti Jack smirked at me before getting onto his feet. Two triangular bumps formed under his shirt. They vibrated once before erupting through his shirt and revealing two jagged black wings with three red spikes protruding from the ends of each one, just like the real Giratina…

"You're wrong bird," Anti Jack said in its cold and high drawl. "REBELLION IS THE ONLY WAY TO DEFEAT OPPRESSION!" It roared in delight. It beat its wings once causing it to hover a few feet off the ground. Instead of flying downstairs, it flew straight through the open window. I listened for any sign of it. It came in the form of a window smashing downstairs and several people screaming.

It had completely circled beating and by now I think it was going on a killing spree…

I flew down the stairs as fast as I could but when I got there it was already too late… Every one that Topaz didn't already evacuate had been murdered in a matter of seconds except for a frightened little boy. The boy tried to back away but tripped over one the adults' dead bodies.

"What was it that you said to me yesterday Jill?" Anti Jack asked mockingly, adding a sadistic lick of the lips. "That no one loves me? That no would care if I lived or died? How your father loved you so much?"

The boy named Jill was too scared to say anything back. He tried to crawl away but Anti Jack brought his foot down on the boy's neck.

"Well, your father didn't seem to love you as much as you thought he did. Did you see him try to run for it, leaving you and the others all alone? He never loved you; he only loved that foul skin of his… But now, you and I are equals. No one here loves you and no one cares if you live or die…" He growled maliciously, flexing his talons the whole time.

"NO! PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT JUST PLEASE SPARE ME!" Jill begged.

"Hehehe… Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…" Anti Jack said in a sing song voice. "Then Jill fell down, it's time to silence this tattle telling clown…"

"NOOOO! JACK PLEASE! I'M SORRY FOR TATTLE TELLING! PLEASE-."

"NOW OL' JACKIE'S CONVICTED OF MANSLAUGHTER!" He shouted before stabbing Jill straight through the heart…

… I rather not go into further detail about what happened next but I guess a sort of epilogue is in order… Jack reverted back to his true self after Jill's murder. When he woke up I told him what happened. He was less than pleased to say the least…

He told me that he was tired of the pain, the suffering, the hate and the darkness in his life. Giratina's presence in his subconscious only added to his pain. Of course, he wanted an answer as to why he's there in the first place but for once; I didn't have a wise or witty answer… We then realized that we shared a common goal of rooting out all evil so we decided to partner up as Master and Disciple.

Topaz and the other orphans made it out of the building just before Anti Jack's killing spree. They called the police but by then it was far too late… They were relocated to a new orphanage, and the kind policemen made sure they were treated right. Many of the smaller ones cried when they heard Jack, their Clowned Crown wasn't coming back. The older ones however, resented him for leaving them to fight on their own.

A week later Jack and Topaz attended Rob and Joey's funeral. It was extremely short considering that neither of them had families and most of their friends were too confused or couldn't focus long enough to stay through the entire funeral…

"So… You mind telling me where you're going?" Topaz asked as she and Jack left the cemetery.

"Somewhere important…" He said distractedly. Topaz didn't answer back. She just stared at her own feet as they walked. "Are you- Are you crying Toto?"

"Hell no! Why would ever I cry over an idiot like you?" She said indignantly. From my vantage point I could see her blinking the tears away… "Jack. You won't forget about us right? You'll come back one day right?"

"I will. I promise. And when I do the world will be a better place…" She smiled at him before quickly kissing him on his left cheek. Color erupted in his cheeks as he touched the spot where her lips made contact. She giggled sweetly at him.

"Is that a blush I see on your face Jack?" She teased.

"Wha- Hell no! Girls are icky!" She smiled and gave him a friendly punch in the arm before running straight on ahead, back to the orphanage.

"Ready to go Jack?" I asked. I circled down and to him and finally landed on his shoulder.

"I was born ready…"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh my God this chapter was such a bitch to write. It is _**THE**_ absolute longest thing I've ever written. It felt kind of weird to me because there was barely any humor in it. What it lacked in humor, it made up for in violence… Unlike the other specials, this one is _completely _canon and-

Jack: Sniffle… Why'd you have to make my back story so sad…?

Pearl: Don't worry little buddy! I know what'll cheer you up!

Jack: Huh? Where the hell did you come from?

Pearl: Nowhere important! Come on; let's go to Jugs o' Plenty!

Jack: Jugs o' Plenty? Isn't that a strip club?

Pearl: Yep.

Jack: I can't go there! I'm like nine years old! And I'm a devout Catholic!

Pearl: You'd be surprised how early kids are having sex these days dude and even Catholics need some jugs in their life! Come on, because tonight you're going under the moniker of 'Bruce 'Pussy Popper' Fandango!

He then grabs Jack's wrist and leads him off to the strip club.

Jack: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Anyway... I'm still accepting character submissions so if you think you've got an idea for a new character, leave it in a review until I remember to get a new e-mail address. Even if you don't have a character, review to tell me how awesome or not awesome the story is. DO IT OR ANTI JACK WILL RAPE YOU!


	43. Daddy Dearest Reveals Diamond's Destiny

Diamond

Pokemon-

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

"…Do you really think you can beat me Diamond?" Soli asked out of mocking disbelief. I had already released Sandy in front of his Bastiodon. Both of the monstrous pokemon tensed up, waiting for our orders. I found it strange that Sandy wasn't trying to eat me like usual but I the thought out of my mind for now…

"That's the plan! You're going down, whore nuggets!" I retorted. Soli chuckled to himself as he climbed onto his Bastiodon's back.

"As you wish… But know this. Unlike your friend Riley, I truly can claim the title of best trainer in Sinnoh! Come at me with all you can muster!" Bastiodon suddenly spun around on the spot and ran away, going down further into the mountain.

"Get back here! Go after them Sandy!" I ordered as I climbed into its shell. Normally I'd ask it to fly but there was absolutely no sand in here to use. Our battle was soon becoming a race as Soli led us down the winding labyrinth of underground tunnels. Even though both pokemon were slow but as luck would have it, Bastiodon was slower.

"Leap onto it and use fire fang!" Sandy's front teeth glowed bright orange as heat built up inside of them. With a powerful kick off from the back legs, Sandy sprang forward and brought its giant heated maw down on the back of Bastiodon's head. Soli, realizing the danger he was in, somersaulted off of Bastiodon's back at the last second. "Show off…"

"How could I _not_ resist showing off in front of my own…" Soli began to say but trailed off on the last word.

"Your own what?"

"Nothing. Metal Burst!" All I could see was Bastiodon glowing bright silver before Sandy was thrown backward by an unknown force and I was ejected from its shell. I landed on my back a few yards away and all the wind was knocked out of me. Sandy, however, crashed into the tunnel wall. The shockwave that the impact caused made the cave wall to break up and crumble onto Sandy's shell.

"Ugh… What the hell was that?" I asked wearily as I got back up.

"That, my boy, was Metal Burst. It is essentially a steel type's version of the Counter attack," Soli explained.

"Sounds like you know your attacks… Let's see if you know this one! Sand Tomb!" Sandy ground the rocks that fell inside its shell into fine sand when Soli wasn't looking. Rather than shoot it out of its holes, Sandy shot the sand out of its mouth. The sand completely enveloped Bastiodon and pinned it to the wall opposite of us.

"Very astute of you to use the rocks that way. But you're not the only one who can use surprise attacks. Use Ice Beam Bastiodon!"

"What?!" I gasped. Before we had a chance to react, Bastiodon released a frigid blue beam from its mouth that hit Sandy right between the eyes. Sandy was flung backwards into the wall again but this time it was frozen to it a chunk of ice. "Holy shit! Sandy, you feral fat ass! Unfreeze yourself with Fire Fang!" I demanded. Sandy remained unmoving inside its ice casing. It was knocked out cold… No pun intended…

Since Sandy no longer had any control over the Sand Tomb, Bastiodon broke free and ran off with Soli further into the caves. I was just about to chase after them when suddenly, I was stricken from behind. I spun around to find Punchy and Hoppy beaming up at me. Hoppy was holding the still and limp body of Poopy in its arms.

"Did you guys beat up the Magnezone?" I asked getting nods from both of them. "Good. Punchy, thaw out Sandy!" Punchy cracked its knuckles and smirked to itself.

(Time to wake up fat ass!) It said before delivering a massive punch to the ice. All of still conscious dived out of the way as the unresponsive Sandy tumbled out of the ice block. After checking to see if it was still breathing, I returned it to its ball.

"Well, there goes my secret weapon…" I groaned. "But we can't stop here… I think I know who Soli really is… Come on you two er… three," I said counting Poopy. I felt so sorry for it, it didn't deserve to crash into Bastiodon's face like that. I doubted if it could ever fly right again… I took it into my arms and continued down the tunnel with Hoppy and Punchy at my heels.

We walked for about a half hour until the path led widened into a basin-like room. The pokemon and I gasped as we looked around the chamber. Gigantic purple crystals jutted out of the walls every few feet. They came in a variety of sizes; some being the size of my little toe, others being three times my height. No matter their size, each one casted a vibrant purplish light. The mass of purple crystals along with the purple aura and thousands of pinpricks of light dotting the wall made gave the place an aura of hidden majesty but at the same time… a den of some somber creature…

Soli and Bastiodon must have ended up here because I couldn't see any other tunnels besides the one we just came in from. This is a dead end… I tried to stay alert but Punchy and Hoppy started climbing on the entangled labyrinth of radiant crystals. Jumping between the taller crystals turned into some kind of game for them…

"Hello? We could get attacked at any second you dumb asses! Get down from there-YAAAAAHHHH!" I shrieked as I tripped over one of the smaller crystals. Poopy fell out of my arms and crashed into a fairly large crystal. "Oh my God! Poopy! Are you alright!" I crawled over to it and poked it a few times in the stomach. No response. I checked to see if it was still breathing. Nothing…

"NO! I'm so sorry Poopy! Please don't die on me! Don't die on me you son of a bitch!" I pleaded. I scooped it into my arms once more and cried over my fallen bird. Y'know, it's funny. A few weeks ago I'd have let it alone or let a Luxray eat it. But now, after spending time with them, I'm beginning to understand the hype about them. All of my pokemon are assholes but they've still helped me beat Cynthia and Team Galactic. To see one of my partners so unresponsive, so unmoving… it tore me up inside…

Suddenly, Poopy and the crystal it collided with began to glow. Poopy began to grow and take on a different shape in my arms. After the glowing had stopped, the crystal suddenly disappeared and Poopy had evolved into a Honchkrow.

"Holy shit! Poopy you're alive!" I exclaimed giving the new raven like creature a hug. All of its wounds seemed to be healed as well. "But I don't understand. Why did you evolve?"

"I think I could explain…," Soli's voice resounded through the cave. His voice seemed to reverberate off the crystals and give it an echoing quality. I slowly got back to my feet. Punchy and Hoppy stopped playing around and went into fighting stances while Poopy flew above us, searching for Soli. "That was a fairly large dusk stone that your Murkrow bumped into so it took some time before its body could adjust to the amount of power being forced into it," Soli explained. "This is a crude analogy but… picture it like a huge dick trying to fit itself into a tiny vagi-."

"Okay, okay, I get it!" I said feeling slightly disgusted. That was something Pearl would say… "Show yourself so I can kick your ass Soli!"

"You won't be kicking anyone's asses today, child. Unless, you want your friend's pokemon to get hurt…"

"Friend's pokemon? What do you-?"

"MACHAMP!" A cry of anguish resounded from the center of the chamber.

"Riley's Machamp?! It's still alive?!" I exclaimed. I looked towards the ceiling (or lack thereof). The giant hole in the ceiling (that I somehow missed…) must have led to where Riley was dangling over a few minutes earlier. We were directly underneath the others… Poopy swept down to me and gripped my shoulders with its newly formed talons. Its body might have changed but its habits haven't because before lifting me up, it took a crap on my hat… I take back what I said about liking pokemon more… They're still assholes…

Poopy flew me over to the center of the cavern and dropped me in front of the severely weakened Machamp. It was leaning against one of the larger crystals, desperately trying to catch its breath.

"You alright Machamp?"

(Does it look like I'm okay you fucking idiot? I'm fucking dying here!) Machamp snapped at me.

"Come on out Bartholomew!" I demanded, calling him by his real name.

"Hmm? How did you guess that it was me Diamond?" He asked back. I still didn't know where he was but I felt like he was close…

"I'm not stupid Barty! I realized it was you from the beginning! You're the only person I know who actually uses the word astute in conversations…"

"Astute (proved my point right there…). Very astute. Just like me… Well, now that you know who I am I expect you to call me what you're supposed to… Son…"

"Whatever… Dad…" I added grudgingly.

"That's more like it," he said. I turned around to find him slowly rising out of my shadow, just like when he did with Dusknoir. I took a step back out of surprise; how could he step into shadows without using a pokemon? He lowered his hood to reveal his face.

I don't really remember seeing his face in person but I've seen photos of him from years before. His short blond hair (he's where Sharon got her looks from) had grown down to the base of his neck and some gray streaks ran through it. He had become shaggy and his face was covered in specks of dirt. He also grew a really creepy goatee… But the most distinguishing feature I noticed was that his eyes have turned pale gray. It was as if the youthful and vibrant blue eyes I saw in the pictures were covered in a permanent layer of dust…

"Yeesh. You look awful. But nice goatee by the way," I said. That was about the only compliment I'm ever gonna give this bastard. "Now what do you want you selfish prick?"

"Now really? Is that any way to talk to your father?"

"Oh! It seems that I have a potty mouth! Y'know, _normal_ parents would _normally_ wash my mouth out with soap or kicked my ass when I was younger so cursing wouldn't become a habit… But you couldn't even do that, could you?!"

"Diamond, let me explain-."

"What's there to explain? You haven't been around for me for _ten_ fucking years! That's all I need to know! Dark Pulse!" I demanded. Poopy shot a jet black beam of light (why does that feel like an oxymoron?) from its beak. Barty (I refuse to call him dad) calmly stood in the beam's path. At the last second, a pitch black pokemon leaped out of his shadow and effortlessly smacked it away.

The new pokemon looked as if it was made out of the shadows themselves. It looked very much like a floating, jagged torso with a red spiky rim around its head. White smoke-like hair billowed from the top of the new pokemon's ahead. It grimaced at Barty before firing a bolt of electricity from one its arms that completely engulfed Poopy. Poopy fell to the ground, just as motionless as before…

"What the hell is that?" I asked. I pulled the pokedex that Prof. Rowan gave a few days ago and pointed it at the shadow pokemon.

"_Darkrai. The Pitch-Black Pokemon. It can lull people to sleep and make them have nightmares. It is active during nights of the full moon… Oh yeah. You better run for it kid. This thing will fucking kill you,"_The box responded in an emotionless, electronic female voice.

"Uh… What?" I said, not fully registering what it just said. I never expected it to tell me something besides pokemon information.

"_You heard me kid! Run for your life! Oh and by the way, my name is Sophia, the pokedex. I am designed to give you, Diamond B. Barbarossa, invaluable aid during your travels."_

"Uh… Nice to meet you Sophia? Mind if I call you Sophie?"

"_Not at all. Duck."_

"Duck? There are no ducks around here- GYAAAAAAHHHHH!" Oh. That kind of duck… Before I had time to react, Darkrai came up behind me and pinned me to a nearby crystal. As I tried to get its hand off of me I noticed that Darkrai's visible eye looked sunken, as if it was sorry for doing this to me…

"Keep him there Darkrai. He and I have lots to discuss and I don't need him pulling anymore stunts like that…"

"Go to hell Barty…" I snapped back at him.

"Stop it Diamond. I do not wish to have a Doc and Scott Evil relationship with you… Please allow me to explain my absence my child…" I sighed and crossed my arms over Darkrai's restraining hand.

"Fine asshole… You can explain but I'll tell when I start to care…"

"Very well then. I guess that the tale starts with this…" He said pulling a triangular object out of his pocket. He wiped some of the dust off of the item before handing it to me. The front of the triangle was divided into a pyramid. Three fairy-like creatures were depicted at the base of the pyramid. I recognized one of them as the Mesprit that helped me save Jubilife City not too long ago…

In the middle of the pyramid was a picture of two larger pokemon. One was blue and stood on four legs. Silver projections jutted out from its head, tail and chest. The other one was mostly white and light pink. It stood on two legs and its shoulders had shield like appendages on its shoulders. The blue one looked familiar to me too but I know for a fact that I've never seen it…

And at the top of the pyramid was a majestic silver pokemon with a giant gold ring going around its middle. I frowned at the diagram and handed it back to Barty.

"I still don't care…"

"You'll care by the end of this… Legends say that these pokemon helped create the Sinnoh region but that is only a small chapter of this grand tale. You see, true believers, such as myself know for a fact that these six pokemon did not just shape the Sinnoh region. They shaped the universe!… Do you care now?"

"Nope."

"It all began with this creature up the top of the pyramid…" He said pointing to the pokemon at the apex. "Before existence came into being there was only a vast and endless chaos. One day, a pokemon egg came to be amidst the chaos and-."

"A pokemon egg? Where'd it come from?"

"I don't know but its not important-."

"Who are the parents of the egg anyway?"

"Diamond, its not important-."

"Do you think the egg could have made a giant celestial omelet?"

"IT'S NOT IMPORTANT! What _is_important is that when did the egg hatched, Arceus came into being and cast the darkness away. Then, with its 1000 arms-."

"Arms? It doesn't even have fingers!"

"Shut it! I'm just telling you how the legend goes!"

"But dude, how can it use arms-."

"Moving on… With its 1000 arms, Arceus created Dialga and Palkia. They were imbued with power over time and space respectively and with that great power, the universe came to be and started to expand, creating matter in the process." I yawned loudly causing Barty to grimace at me out of annoyance. I couldn't see what any of this had to do with me…

"Dialga and Palkia then created Mesprit, Uxie and Azelf to balance matter with a new form of existence called spirit. Basically they breathed life into matter, life filled with knowledge, will power and emotions. Now, accomplishing what they set out to do, the three went slept under three lakes, the two delved into dimensions of time and space and the one disappeared from all of existence…

"Do you ever wonder what it would feel like to be a chick? I wonder how they can go around all day with bags of fat and milk hanging from their chests. And what would it feel like to have a vagina? Would it be like having a mouth between your legs or-." I said conversationally. Barty lost his patience with me and back handed me across the face. "Ow! Motherfucker! Or should I say 'fatherfucker'?"

"You're not listening to me! Damn it, this is of the utmost importance!"

"Well, your story (and I'm sure the reader will agree with me) is fucking boring! They heard the exact same thing in the Diamond and Pearl games, they don't need to hear it from you!"

"I don't give a _damn_ about what the audience wants to read!"

"And watch our ratings plummet…"

"I swear to Arceus Diamond if you have any love or respect for me then you'll _please_ let me go through my story without interrupting."

"Dude. I fucking hate you. You might as well quit telling your story because I really couldn't care less. You can go suck my dick!"

"Darkrai! Use thunderbolt!" A current of electricity ran down Darkrai's arm and into my body. Every inch of me felt like it was being assaulted by electric needles. I nearly fainted on the spot but Darkrai stopped after a few seconds and still held me to the giant dusk stone.

"Now where was I before I was so _rudely_ interrupted… Oh yes. Me and Pearl's father Palmer became fascinated by the origin legends. We spent hours upon hours trying to find a way to meet them in person. Meeting just _one_ would have been a dream come true! But as we went along, we got more and more obsessed with the power they could give us, specifically Arceus. After years of careful research we came up with a way to capture Arceus… Work backwards through the pyramid. Capture the trio and their combined powers would bring out Dialga and Palkia and once they were taken out, Arceus would be brought out."

"But it would be beyond foolish to think that we could capture gods… So instead of seeking out for the lake pokemon, we searched for the Adamant and Lustrous orbs instead. Those orbs could directly control Dialga and Palkia, making capturing the lake trio and fighting the time and space pokemon unnecessary. It was like skipping all the way to Arceus! Skipping all the way to infinite power and possibilities… Until it all went horribly wrong…"

"…We and our wives climbed to the top of Mt. Coronet expecting to become kings and queens of the new world. Under the orbs' influence, Dialga and Palkia were forced out of their solitude and presented to us. But just as we were going to make them summon Arceus-."

"By the way, how did you expect to capture Arceus anyway?"

"Master Ball."

"That is so cheap…"

"Anyway, the orbs suddenly glowed on their own and intense pains; the most painful we've ever felt, ran up our arms. We were so careless!" He roared punching a nearby crystal. "We had missed one important ancient text that said the owners of the Adamant and Lustrous Orbs choose their own holders… Now Palmer and I both wear these scars to remind us of how careless we were…" He rolled back his right sleeve to reveal something that almost made me vomit. His entire arm was heavily gnarled and covered in deep scars and wounds that were still open… The old wounds looked as if they would never heal…

"The orbs then flew into you boys' mothers' stomachs. For a little while we thought that _they_ were the ones chosen by the orbs but that was definitely not the case because when they tried to stop the gods from trying to kill us, nothing happened. Dialga and Palkia began to fight uncontrollably against one another. They fought on for weeks over a stretch of ocean by the Sinnoh Pokemon League. Many thought that Sinnoh was going to get destroyed but the fighting ceased one day all of a sudden one day… Dialga disappeared when the sun came up that day and Palkia, no longer having an opponent to fight, went back to its own dimension. Do you see the connection now Diamond?"

"Uh… No. I'm still not following any of this…" Barty chuckled to himself.

"And here I thought you were astute like me… Diamond. The orbs didn't choose you or Pearl's mother because they were both _pregnant_ when we climbed Mt. Coronet! After they left, that stretch of ocean they fought over turned into the Battle Zone! The day Dialga disappeared… That was the day you were born Diamond! Don't you get it? You and Pearl were destined to control Dialga and Palkia before either of you were born!"

"… You mean to tell me… That the power to make or break the universe is in the hands of a misanthropic, disgruntled kid who wants to take over the world and a perverted psychopath?"

"Well, in a way, yes."

"Fuck. Ing. SWEET!"


	44. Evolution Isn't Just for Pokemon Anymore

Diamond

Pokemon-

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Murkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

"Well, thanks for _not_ helping me Nurse Joy…" Pearl groaned as she led him by the wrist out of the pokemon center.

"Huh? What are you talking about? I'm the one that got that small dick of yours out of your zipper!"

"It's not small! It just wasn't erect is all…" Pearl said indignantly. "And besides, you_ kicked_ it out of my zipper! Now I feel even worse than before!"

"Well, it's my job to make _pokemon_ feel better. Not little dip shits like you who are stupid enough to get their tiny dicks stuck in their zippers!"

"IT'S NOT TINY! I swear to God, get naked right now and watch little David over here turn into Goliath!"

"And_I_ swear if you whip it out and get it caught in your zipper _again_, not only will I kick it out, I'll stomp on it, I'll get pro wrestlers to body slam it, back over it in my eighteen wheeler, pour lemonade into your gaping wounds to make it sting uncontrollably and if there's anything left of it, I'll have a wild Luxray eat it!"

"… So you getting naked is out of the question?"

"…Get out kid…" She said shoving him through the front doors.

"Wait a minute! I need my pokemon back! And where's Topaz?"

"I saw your daughter run off somewhere and your pokemon still aren't healed yet. Come back later kid." Pearl sighed and started wandering around, thinking out loud.

"Lets see… I have no pokemon, Topaz is nowhere to be found, Diamond has disappeared off of the face of the Earth and Dawn, the holder all of my money, food, clothes and tents, hates my guts and never wants to see me again… YAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" He began running around in circles and screaming. "I'm all alone in the world! Somebody hold me! I need to be held!" Most of the passersby hurriedly ran away from Pearl, leaving him all by myself.

What?! PEARL is evolving!

…

…

…

TADA! PEARL evolved into RETARD IN A FETAL POSITION!

"WAAAAAHHHHH!" Pearl cried. Suddenly, the strange music from before started playing behind him.

Welcome to my world  
Where everyone I ever need  
Always ends up leaving me alone  
Another lesson burned  
And I'm drowning in the ashes  
Kicking  
Screaming  
Welcome to my world

"Alright! That's it! Who's the one playing that fucking stalker music?! I've had it with you following me around all day! Show yourself asshole!"

"Dude. We're right behind you," An unfamiliar voice stated. Pearl leapt back onto his feet and spun around to find two boys about his age beaming at him. One had bright white hair and red eyes; an albino. In contrast with his hair, he was wearing a black T shirt with a skull and black jeans. The other one had jet black hair going down to his shoulders and over his eyes. Yet he still seemed to be able to see everything around him… He was wearing a light blue T shirt with the words 'Zeus on the Guitar Strings' in bright red letters. For some odd reason they looked familiar to Pearl…

"Who the hell are you guys?" He asked.

"Well, my name's Alistair," the albino said. "And this is Alex. We're in the pokemon rock band 'Zeus on the Guitar Strings'."

"Hmm… I know I've heard your names before…" Pearl muttered struggling to remember.

"Ah! You must have heard of one of our badass songs before! You hear that Al? We're getting famous!" Alex said excitedly.

"Nope. I've never heard one of your songs before," Pearl retorted.

What?! ALEX is evolving?

…

…

…

TADA! ALEX has evolved into RETARD IN A FETAL POSITION!

"Knock it off Alex!" Alistair said helping his friend back up.

"How could you not have heard of us?! We're fucking amazing!"

"Sorry dude… Wait! I know where I've seen you two before! You're from Diamond Fists' sister fanfiction, 'Musical Misconceptions'! What are you two doing here?" They both grimaced when Pearl said the name of their story.

"You mean we _were_ from Musical Misconceptions…" Alex groaned.

"What do you mean?"

"RTJ stopped caring about our story because we've only gotten about 120 hits…" Alistair explained.

"Since we don't have a job as main characters anymore, we've been wandering around Sinnoh, looking for work," Alex said.

"But all we've been doing lately is being minstrels. Hence why we've been following you around."

"I don't get it. Why are you guys menstrualing to me?"

"MINSTRELING!" They both shouted. You've gotta admit it, that was one of this fic's cleverer jokes.

"Whatever…"

"Anyway… We were behind you and Dawn back in Oreburgh Gate. We heard your argument and figured that we could get you guys to make up if you heard that song. We kept following you because we needed you and Dawn to listen to it at the same time," Alistair explained.

"But how is the song supposed to make us-."

"It was supposed to make Dawn realize how much of a useless prick you are without anybody around-."

"Hey fuck you! I'm not a useless prick when I'm all alone!"

"Dude. We found you crying in a fetal position screaming 'Someone hold me!'"

"… Point taken…"

"The song was also meant for you to realize that Dawn feels all alone in the world when you order her around," Alex explained. Pearl considered it for a moment before nodding.

"I suppose that's true… I gotta go tell her this! Thanks Al and Al!" Pearl said as he turned to leave.

"Anytime pal! Come on Alex. Let's go drown ourselves now…" Pearl stopped in mid-step when he heard the last sentence.

"What?! Why are you guys trying to kill yourselves?!"

"Dude, we have no home, no fanfiction of our own anymore and no job! We're only here to make a brief cameo appearance!" Alex exclaimed. "We might as well throw in the towel…"

"No! Don't do that! … I've got it! You guys can live in the Diamond Fists universe!" Now Alistair and Alex were the ones to stop in mid-step.

"Do you really mean that Pearl?" Alistair asked hopefully.

"Sure! The more the merrier! OOF!" Both Als lunged onto him and hugged him into he couldn't breathe. "Gay! Really really gay! Get off of me!" Pearl shrieked as he pushed them off of him.

"You won't regret it Pearl! We'll be the best side characters ever!" Alex said patting him on the back.

"Awesome! Now let's go find Dawn my new friends!"

"We don't have to look too far," Alistair said.

"Why's that?"

"She's over there." Pearl spun around on the spot. He's been standing in front of Oreburgh Gym and never realized it. Dawn and a man with glasses and a miner's hat were arguing at the front door.

"Dude. How'd I miss that?" Pearl thought to himself.

"You look like a girl who likes to play games," the man said seductively. "Would you like to play with my joystick?" Dawn backed away from him and gave him a look of contempt.

"Leave me alone Roark! I'm not interested in you!" Dawn shouted back at him.

"Aww, don't be like that baby. Tell you what, let's go into the gym and have a battle of the sexes, if you know what I mean…" Dawn tried to run away but Roark grabbed her by the wrist.

"Let me go!"

"Never! You and I are going to have crazy, unadulterated, off the wall sex! Then we're going to bathe in your pussy juices and then we'll get one of my gym trainers to suck on our nipples! We'll do it all night long baby!"

"That sounds disgust-." Alistair started.

"AWESOME!" Pearl and Alex exclaimed. Roark and Dawn finally realized that we were here.

"Who the hell are you guys?" Roark asked.

"My name's Pearl St. Clair, the deity of sexiness. And these guys are Alistair and Alex. They're wannabe rock stars!"

"That's right- Wait! Who are you calling wannabes?" Alex said smacking Pearl in the back of the head.

"Whatever. Can you guys come back later? I'm trying to get some pussy over here… Speaking of which…" Roark suddenly pulled Dawn towards him. Now caught off guard, Dawn had no way to get away from the kiss that Roark planted on her lips. Dawn pulled away from him and sat down on the ground. She put her face in her hands and began to cry. The three boys tensed up and glared at Roark (well you can't really tell in Alex's case…). "What the fuck are you guys looking at?"

"You've taken it too far!" Alex shouted at him.

"What do you mean? I'm just getting started!" He tried to get Dawn off the floor but she smacked his hand away and continued crying. "What's her problem?"

"A prick like you stole her first kiss… To her, it's the equivalent of losing her virginity to a rapist!" Alistair said.

"Oh fuck off you pricks. As gym leader and sexiest man in Sinnoh, I can whatever I want!" Pearl made a choked noise. He took that 'sexiest man in Sinnoh' as a threat to his title.

"I'm the sexiest man in Sinnoh you prick!" Pearl said. "Hmm… I challenge you to a Whore Off!"

"A what?"

"A Whore Off. You and I are going to compete to see who can get the most pussy in an hour. If I win, I keep the title as the sexiest man in Sinnoh, Dawn comes with me and I get one of your gym badges. If you win, you get the title, Dawn and these guys as your personal slaves," he explained pointing to Alistair and Alex.'

"WHAT?!" They and Dawn exclaimed at the same time.

"I accept! Wait here, I need to put on my best thong…" Roark went inside the gym to get his thong. The others all glared at Pearl.

"What's up your butts?"

"How could you bet _us_ on a game you know you can't win?! You're such an idiot sometimes Pearl!" Dawn fumed angrily.

"I'm an idiot?! _You're_ the idiot who got yourself cornered by that prick!"

"I can't help the fact that I have a nice set of knockers!"

"Yes you can! It's called breast reduction surgery! Yeesh, I thought you were the _smart_ one…"

"Just leave me alone Pearl…" She said with a sniffle; she was about to cry again. She tried to walk away but Alistair grabbed both hers and Pearl's wrists.

"Oh no you don't! You guys are going to reconcile _now_! Alex, play it now!" Alex picked up one of the guitars and began playing.

Send in your skeletons  
Sing as their bones come marching in...again  
They need you buried deep  
The secrets that you keep are at the ready  
Are you ready?  
I'm finished making sense  
Done pleading ignorance  
That whole...defense

Spinning infinity, boy  
The wheel is spinning me  
It's never-ending, never-ending  
Same old story

What if I say I'm not like the others?  
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays  
You're the pretender  
What if I say I will never surrender?

In time our soul untold-

"No you idiot! That's The Pretender! Play the 'other' song!"

"Oh right!"

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all  
The one you sold to fool the world  
You lost your self-esteem along the way  
Yeah

Good god, you're comin' up with reasons  
Good god, you're draggin' it out  
Good god, it's the changin' of the seasons  
I feel so raped  
So follow me down

And just fake it, if you're out of direction  
Fake it, if you don't belong here  
Fake it, if you feel like infection  
Whoa, you're such a fuckin' hypocrite-

"NO! That's 'Fake It'! Do the _other_ fucking song!"

"Righto!"

Do you remember  
When we fell in love  
We were young  
And innocent then  
Do you remember  
How it all began  
It just seemed like heaven  
So why did it end?

Do you remember  
Back in the fall  
Wed be together  
All day long  
Do you remember  
Us holding hands  
In each others eyes  
We'd stare  
(tell me)

Do you remember the time  
When we fell in love  
Do you remember the time  
When we first met  
Do you remember the time  
When we fell in love  
Do you remember the time-

"THAT'S A FUCKING MICHAEL JACKSON SONG! You know what, fuck you Alex!" Alistair shouted, finally losing his patience. "You! And you! Make up now!" He ordered.

"Fine… I'm sorry Dawn…" Pearl said grudgingly.

"Me too…" They grinned at each other before Alistair let them go. "Hey, why are these guys here anyway? Aren't they from Musical Misconceptions?"

"Yeah… It's a long story but they're going to be staying in Diamond Fists for a while and-." Pearl was interrupted by Roark barging through the doors. He had abandoned all of his other clothes for just a leopard skin thong… "Eww…"

"Let's do this kid!" He grabbed Pearl by the wrist and led him off to the middle of town. Alistair, Alex and Dawn followed after them and watched them from afar. Roark was the first to talk to a woman passing by.

"Hey baby. I'm a rising bastion of vanilla pleasure and if you want a taste, call me at 412-6969- HOLY TESTICLES!" He shrieked as she kicked him in the nuts. "Guh… Call me baby!"

"Pfft… Amateur…" Pearl said gloatingly.

"I'd like to see you do better kid…"

"I will. Let me just build up my sexy energy and-."

"Sexy energy?"

"Yep. I was born so sexy that I'm able to use it as a form of energy! Now stand back and let a true master work! RAAAAAHHH!"

What?! PEARL is evolving?

…

…

…

TADA! PEARL evolved into ORGY HOMICIDE!

The only real physical differences between Pearl and Orgy Homicide were that Orgy wore sunglasses and a black cape on his back that had his name written in gold letters across it. His hair also seemed to spike up more than Pearl's but the effect was miniscule. Oh and if you don't remember who he is then go back to Chapter 15, Side Story 1: Dreams are for the Insane (XD). I love that chapter…

"Uh… What just happened? And where did he get the sunglasses and cape from?" Alistair asked.

"Trust me. It wouldn't make sense even if I explained…" Dawn said.

"Would you guys shut up? I'm trying to watch!" Alex said.

"Do you _actually_ think a slight change in wardrobe will get you pussy? Dawn is so mine…" Roark gloated. Pearl/Orgy ignored him and pointed to the nearest girl.

"Hey you!" He called. She turned his head to him. "You. Me. Sex. Now." She shrugged before coming over to him.

"Alright." Everyone's jaws dropped at the same time. He did it so easily…

"What the hell? How did you do that so fast?" Roark asked.

"If I told you I'd have to kill you," Pearl/Orgy replied. He pointed to another to another girl and called her over. "You. Me. Her. Threesome. Now." The second girl repeated what the first one did and said…

"Alright."

"Damn he's good!" Alex exclaimed.

"Either that or they're just sluts…" Dawn replied. Pearl/Orgy called over yet another girl.

"You. Me. Them. Orgy. Now."

"Alright."

"But wait. I don't want you to just have an orgy. I want you to have sex with my Staravia, Orgy. Then you will have sex with _me_, Orgy Homicide. Then you will _have_ an orgy with all four of us, including the bird."

"Hmm… Okay! Let's do it in that back alley over there!" All three women started to undress as they went down the dark alley.

"I think we all know who the winner is," Pearl/Orgy said outstretching his hand to Roark. Roark put a Coal Badge in that hands and then bent down on his hands and knees.

"Please Orgy Homicide! Let me become your pupil in the sexy arts!"

"You are not yet ready to handle the sexy power of the force, young padawan… Now if you'll excuse me, I have an orgy to get to." Orgy took his shirt off and went down the alleyway to join his uh… mates… Roark ran away crying and the others went by the entrance to the alley. It seems that the power of sexiness runs out quickly because they found Pearl back to his normal self again…

"AAAAAAGGGGHHHH! THIS IS LIKE THE FOURTH TIME I'VE GOTTEN _IT_ STUCK IN MY ZIPPER THIS WEEK!"

"Wow, what a loser. Come on girls; let's go make a difference in the world!" One of the girls said as they filed out one by one.

"SOMEONE HELP ME! THIS IS UNIMAGINABLY PAINFUL! I WAS SO CLOSE TO SEX AND YET SO FAR AWAY! HELP!"

"Uh… You guys hungry?" Dawn asked.

"Yeah. Let's go get tacos," Alex suggested.

"Sure!" Alistair and Dawn said as all three of them left without Pearl.

"GUYS?! COME BACK HERE AND HELP ME! OR AT LEAST BRING ME BACK A BURRITO! GUYS? GUYS?! WHEN I GET OUT OF THIS I'M GONNA PISS IN YOUR FOOD, YOU SELFISH PRICKS!"


	45. Diamond's Homicidal New Shadow

Diamond

Pokemon-

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"This is so awesome! I wonder what Pearl and I should create first, now that we're gods and all… Pearl won't care what we do as long we make a planet full of bacon (he really likes bacon…) and hookers. I can't believe this is happening! I'm finally gonna be a god! This is what I've always wanted!" I said excitedly.

"Diamond-." Barty interjected.

"Okay, the first people I'll have to purge away are Soulja Boy, for utterly ruining rap music and whatever dignity black people had left. Then I'll get rid of Paris Hilton for being a useless little whore, Colbie Caillat for having a weird shaped head and Sara Bareilles because her music vexes me and Maroon 5 because they suck ass-."

"Diamond-."

"I'll keep Osama Bin Laden around so he can nuke all of my adversaries now that I'm officially Allah. I'll also keep Lewis Black and Simon Cowell around so we can make sarcastic remarks at other people's expense. I think Pearl would want to keep Elliot Spitzer in the new universe so they can run a prostitution ring together-."

"Diamond!"

"I think I'll also get rid of gravity. I'm so sick and tired of walking everywhere! And I suppose if people can fly, there wouldn't be any global warming either-."

"STOP THAT!" Barty finally snapped and bitch slapped me across the face.

"OW! What's up your butt asshole?!"

"You're not listening to me! You and Pearl are _not_ gods!"

"What?! I thought we were the chosen ones and all that crap!"

"The orbs give you power over Dialga and Palkia but there's a drawback to it… You remember the ancient text Palmer and I didn't read? I had Sharon find it-."

"Sharon? That lesbo's involved in this too?"

"Yes and don't call her a lesbo! That's extremely rude!"

"Says the man that just bitch slapped me…"

"I'm gonna do it again if you don't shut up! Now where was I…? Oh yes. Sharon left home on _my_ orders and used the whole 'I'm leaving because you're a pokemon hating bitch' excuse so your mother wouldn't come looking for her. The High Priestess of Celestic Town has dozens of ancient texts that I need. In order to get my hands on them, I've had Sharon pretend to be the disciple of Cynthia, the High Priestess' granddaughter. Sharon managed to steal this tablet for me…" He dug in his pocket for a moment and pulled a small brown slab of rock. It was covered in small inscriptions written in an ancient language…

"You sure she didn't just join Cynthia to molest her?"

"Well, yes she did it for that reason too… But trust me. Your sister is my most faithful servant… Besides Darkrai here of course," He said patting the shadow like pokemon on the back. I saw Darkrai wince in anger and its hold on me tightened. Apparently it doesn't like being a servant…

"Anyway… The tablet not only says that the holders of the orbs are to be the chosen by the orbs themselves. It also says that the orbs have a fail safe…"

"A fail safe?"

"Yes. The orbs were designed to call upon Dialga and Palkia upon times of crisis only, meaning that they're only to be used in defense. If anyone, including the chosen ones, tries to use the orbs for evil or selfish reasons they lose a part of themselves and eventually their entire being… Need I remind you what they did to me and Palmer…?" He asked reaching for his sleeve.

"No! Be a dick and you lose your life! I get it!" I cried. I _really_ didn't want to see that again… Just great. Just when I thought I was going to get what I wanted… "So why are you telling me all this? Dialga and Palkia are no use to us if we can't do what we want!"

"Oh they're still useful… Do you remember why Palmer and I set out to control Dialga and Palkia in the first place?" I thought back for a second and gasped when I remembered.

"Arceus!"

"Exactly! Dialga and Palkia can't be used to create a new universe under the orbs' influence but they still make Arceus appear if the holder's have enough control over the orbs! Whoever controls Arceus controls infinity!"

"Fucking sweet! So there's still hope! Now where was I… I'll clone myself so I can extend my infinite power and ruling power across the universe. Hmm… I wonder if it would be considered gay if I had sex with myself… Ah who cares? I'll be god at that point so it wouldn't even matter! I'm such a sexy beast… Don't you just want to pinch my butt sometimes-?"

"DIAMOND! First off, that's gross… Second, it's not that simple! You and Pearl both have to spend the next fifteen years training under Palmer and me first!" I snapped out of daydreaming and looked at him incredulously.

"Uh… What?!"

"The Spear Pillar emits an aura that is designed specifically to keep anyone holding the orbs away! It is just another precaution created by Arceus. This one tries to keep evil people holding the orbs away. Anyone who tries to get in has their head explode… However, if you undergo several years of harsh mental training you can break through this barrier. Palmer and I have already done this so we can teach you boys how to do this. Of course… We want a slice of the pie, if you know what I mean…"

"…You mean you want some of the power too…" I muttered, all thoughts of ruling the universe now flown from my mind and being replaced with anger.

"How about it son? Join me and the four of us; you, me, Palmer and Pearl, will rule the universe as fathers and sons!"

"… So this is why you wanted to see me again. You just want me to continue what you failed at… And for what?! So you can steal it all away from me in the end?"

"What?! No! Diamond, you misunderstand! I want to _share_ with you my son! I love you boy!"

"Hmm, that's funny. You didn't seem to love me when you missed my last thirteen birthdays. You didn't seem to love me when you missed my kindergarten and eight grade graduation. Where were you when I was learning how to ride a bike? Where were you when I broke my leg in fifth grade? Hell, where were you when I was fucking potty training?! …All I've ever wanted was to rule the world but I'd rather die than share that world with you! I'M NO ONE'S PUPPET, YOU HEAR ME?!"

"NEITHER AM I!" Darkrai roared. Wait. Darkrai can talk? I had no time to ask it how it could do so because it suddenly let go of me and fired a thunderbolt at Barty. He dived out of the way just in time and tried to release his Bastiodon. Poopy, who had been circling us the entire time, dove for the pokeball and caught it in its beak before it could open.

Darkrai let out several more thunderbolts, all of them missing Barty. It was in so much fury that it couldn't aim right. It eventually abandoned the electric attacks and charged towards my father. Its fist glowed bright blue as it reeled it back. Barty ducked under the Focus Punch-good thing too because the crystal behind him exploded as Darkrai slammed into it. I wish that it was his face that exploded instead of the crystal…

"Tell me Diamond. If the Dialga and Palkia Incident nearly destroyed Sinnoh, how come you're just hearing about it now?!" Darkrai bellowed at me. I didn't expect it to be the talkative type…

"Uh… Hey! That's true! I'd have heard something about it by now! Why am I just hearing about it now?" If two ancient dragons suddenly came out of the sky and nearly destroyed the country, wouldn't I have heard something about it? Something just didn't make sense here…

"I'll tell you why! This bastard told the government that _I_ was responsible for the Dialga and Palkia Incident! He told them that I created an illusion of the damn beasts so I could terrorize Sinnoh!" Now this made more sense to me. All my life I've heard of Darkrais being monstrous and evil pokemon. I also heard of one terrorizing eastern Sinnoh about fifteen years ago… Could it really be a lie? Is Darkrai really as evil as people say?

"The government attacked me and forced me out of my home on New Moon Island," Darkrai continued. "They managed to knock me out and then trapped me in this godforsaken place!"

"But can't you ever leave this place? I mean, come on! There's a giant hole in the ceiling leading to the surface!"

"These damn crystals have the power to keep me here! To make matters worse, that bastard one day came here and captured me in one of those red and white sphere things!"

"Red and white sphere? You mean a pokeball?"

"Yes!" It turned its wisplike head back to Barty. "RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! HUMAN! YOU RUINED MY LIFE AND NOW I'LL END YOURS!" Darkrai roared savagely. It charged towards Barty once more but Barty returned it to its pokeball just in time.

"Holy crap… I keep forgetting that it wants to rip my head off on sight…"

"How could you forget something like that?" I asked.

"Whatever… So anyway, what do you say Diamond? I know I haven't been the best father to you but I'm willing to make it up to you-."

"Save it! Mach Punch!" Punchy, who had been hiding behind one of the larger crystals, leaped from its hiding spot at blinding speed. It delivered a flying to Barty's jaw. Barty fell over backwards and dropped Darkrai's pokeball. While he wasn't looking, I switched Darkrai's pokeball for Bastiodon's.

"You little bastard! Darkrai! Use Dark Pulse!" He hollered. He tossed his pokeball down, only to release his now very confused Bastiodon. Apparently Dark Pulse isn't one of its strong points… "What the hell? Where's Darkrai?!"

"You're never seeing him again asshole! Hoppy! Use Ice Beam!" Hoppy leaped out of its own hiding spot and fired a bright blue beam of energy at Barty. He and Bastiodon were instantly encased in a block of ice… "Darkrai! Come back out!" I released the phantom in front of me. It looked at me to Barty to Punchy, Hoppy and Poopy and then back to me.

"You're helping me? Why would you-"

"Look dude, not all humans are bad. Just stupid. Really really stupid…" It reeled its fist back and prepared to hit Barty with another focus punch. I grabbed onto its elbow before it could hit him. "Woah! Wait a minute! What the hell are you doing?!"

"This bastard needs to die! He must pay for everything he did to me!"

"Just leave him! He's not worth it! And think about it… Everyone already thinks you're a murderer… Do you really want to prove them right?" Darkrai's fist suddenly stopped glowing and dropped his arms to his sides. He glared loathingly at Barty one more time before turning back to me.

"I suppose you're right Diamond… Thank you for freeing me…"

"You aren't free just yet," I said placing its pokeball down on the ground. I then kicked the sphere into a nearby crystal. The force of the kick caused it to explode on contact with the crystal. "Good. Now you're not under his control anymore!"

"But I'm still trapped here… As long as these crystals are here I cannot leave…" It said somberly. It floated above us and glided towards the massive hole in the ceiling. It reached out one of its clawed hands out, as if it was trying to grasp the surface. But just as it was about to go through the chasm all of the crystals in the room glowed bright purple, effectively blinding me and my pokemon for a second. I opened my eyes just enough to see an invisible force pull Darkrai back down to the ground. The crystals stopped glowing once Darkrai had collided with the ground painfully.

"Ouchies… Can't you just smash them?" I suggested whilst rubbing my eyes.

"That won't work…" Darkrai then suddenly smash the crystals behind us with a few more rounds of Focus Punch. It picked up some of the shards and crushed them in its hand. "Smashing them only makes smaller crystals. Each crystal, each piece, each shard, each speck of dust… As long as these things exist in any shape or form I can't leave…" It finished crushing the crystal in its hands into a fine powder and let it drop to the floor.

"How about-."

"Blowing them up won't work," It interjected. I could've sworn that it just read my mind… "These things absorb energy attacks…"

"Damn! Don't worry Darkrai, I'm gonna figure out a way to get you out of here!" I couldn't help but feel a sort of kinship with Darkrai. We both hate the world, the people in it and most importantly, my dad. Even if it was just a little bit, I wanted to get him to see sunlight again… "We could use a pokeball-."

"If you _ever_ force me into one of those accursed spheres I'll rip your still beating heart out, eat it in front of you and use your bones to make party hats!"

"OKAY! I get it! No pokeballs!" This only made it more complicated… How can we get it out of here without using a pokeball? I thought over it a couple more times but still couldn't come up with anything. "Fuck!"

"Ahem. Maybe I can help you," a female voice said from the inside of my pocket.

"Sophie! I almost forgot about you!" I said pulling the pokedex out of my pocket. "So what do you suggest?"

"Darkrai has the ability to hide in peoples' shadows. Shadows aren't affected by these things so it won't have any problem getting out as long as it hides in someone's shadow," she explained. "Oh yeah. Who's a smart pokedex? Me! That's who!" Darkrai considered a proposal. It didn't have a mouth but I could tell that if it had one then it would be grinning.

"Hmm… That could work," Darkrai said. "Who knows? It might be interesting following you around." It said before sinking down into my shadow. My shadow twitched once and suddenly twisted into the silhouette of Darkrai. The shadow waved up at me before twisting back into the shape of my own shadow.

"Interesting? It'll get downright insane once my friends get involved… Let's move out!" I returned Punchy and Hoppy to their balls. Poopy gripped its talons into my shoulders and prepared to take off when a rock suddenly came whizzing by my head. I looked over my shoulder to find Riley's Machamp glaring at me.

"Crap. I almost forgot about you… How the hell am I gonna carry you up that hole…?"

"Leave that to me," Darkrai muttered. My shadow extended towards Machamp and wrapped around its feet. It began to sink down into it… It struggled to get away but Darkrai eventually sucked it into the shadows. The shadow then retook its place around my own ankles.

"Uh, is it gonna be okay in there with you?"

"Relax. I won't bite…"

"Why do I doubt that…?" I thought. Having some sort of homicidal phantom of nightmares living in my shadow made me a just a _little_ bit uneasy… I took one last look at my frozen father before flying up through the chasm… "Good riddens… Dad…"


	46. Requiems and Destiny Knots

Diamond

Pokemon-

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"Okay Pearl. Just focus…" Pearl told himself. He hadn't moved from the alleyway because he still had his 'you-know-what' stuck in his zipper. "On the count of three I'll pull it out! … 1… 2…3! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" He shrieked. "Yes! I did it! I'm bleeding now but I don't care! I finally got this thing out on my own!" 

After zipping his pants back up and pulling his shirt back over his head he stepped out of the alley. He scanned the area for any sign of Dawn, Alistair or Alex. 

"Those fucking cunt burgers! I can't believe they went to get tacos without me! I swear to god I'm gonna beat the crap out of them and then T bag their unconscious bodies! Then I'll-." He was interrupted from his tirade by a shrill beeping noise coming from his goggles. He took them off and looked at them with a slightly confused expression. 

"Hmm? I almost forgot I had these… Someone must be trying to call me!" He extended the antenna on the back and slipped them over his eyes. An image of Topaz, Jack and Jesus appeared before him. Topaz had found a way to use Pearl's goggles as a video phone. Jack was in the background, fishing out of a nearby lake while Jesus was digging his beak into the ground to look for worms. 

"Daddy?" Topaz asked, her voice coming from the goggles' antenna. 

"Toto!" Pearl said ecstatically. How've you been sweetie? Where are you- Wait a minute! What're you doing with those guys?" Jack and Jesus looked up from what they were doing and nearly fell into the lake when they saw who was on the screen. 

"_Pearl's_ the one who adopted you!" Jack asked her disbelievingly. 

"Yep! You can call me Topaz St. Clair from now on, squirt!" She said poking him in the forehead. 

"Squirt? But I'm both taller and older than you!"

"You're only a head taller than me and we were only born a week apart! Plus, I can kick your ass whenever I want!"

"What's your point?"

"My point? My point is that you're my bitch!" 

"Ass? Bitch? When did you start cursing Topaz?" Pearl asked. "When you get back here you're getting your mouth washed out with soap!" She rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at him. 

"You curse every single day you fucking hypocrite!"

"D-Gh-Fuh-Hypocrite!" Pearl stammered. He hadn't expected her to talk back to him…

"Yep. Oh and by the way, I'm not coming back with you and Dawn." Jack and Jesus sighed simultaneously when she said that. Jack went back to fishing and Jesus roosted on Topaz's shoulder. "I'm gonna be hanging around with these guys for a while."

"What! Why! Those dip shits don't know anything about raising toddlers!"

"Oh please. I'm, like, nine years old, dumb fuck. I only lied about my age so you and your friends would carry me around and do whatever I wanted."

"Y-You've been scamming us!"

"Pretty much. I've already stolen your wallets so there's really no reason for me to stick around with you guys anymore. Jack's an old friend of mine so he agreed to take me along with him while he and the bird here spread Islam or something-."

"CHURCH OF WINGED JESUS!" They shouted at the same time.

"Whatever…"

"Scamming people out of their money, split personality, dangerous when angry, the ability to manipulate the weak and stupid (Jack: Fuck off Pearl!) and a fixation on obtaining riches… You really are my daughter!"

"Huh? You're not mad?"

"Hell no! You display the same traits me and my family are famous for! You may not be related to us but I'm proud to call you a St. Clair!" Topaz didn't know what to say. So far, every family that's ever adopted her has turned her away or abandoned her. This was the very first time someone's actually accepted her in their family… She smiled toothily and waved goodbye to the screen. 

"We need to head for Hearthome City soon. Bye Daddy! I love you!" She said before turning the video phone off. Pearl took the goggles off and shortened the antenna again. 

"Love you too… Now back to important matters. I'M GONNA KILL THOSE GUYS!" Pearl shouted at the top of his lungs. Just when he was about to charge down the street, someone caught him by the back of his collar. The momentum caused him to go sprawling onto his back. "OW! Who the hell-."

"It's us dude." Pearl turned around to find Alex beaming down at him. Alistair and Dawn were sitting on the back of Alistair's Torterra named Terra (highly original nickname…). "Come on dick wipe! We're leaving this place!" He said helping Pearl onto Terra's back. 

"Screw you Alex! I'm gonna kick all of your asses you motherfucking bitch pussy ass cunt streamers! I'm gonna rip your eyes and dip my nuts into your eye sockets you no good pussy ass, bitch ass, dick ass, chode ass-" He shouted. Dawn rolled her eyes at him and handed him a small white bag. 

"Do you always have to be such a spaz…? Here. We brought you a burrito, just like you asked."

"-Skeet-skeet-skeeting ass- Did you say burrito?" He asked before savagely tearing open the bag and guzzling down the burrito, sending bits of it flying in every direction. "Mmm… Mexican cuisine…"

"Idiot…" Dawn muttered. She noticed the drums and guitars that Alistair stuffed into the tree on Terra's back. "Are those yours Alistair?"

"Yep… No touchy!" He exclaimed. Dawn reached out a hand to get them down but Alistair smacked it away. "Sorry Dawn. I'm very sensitive about my equipment. My last set was sent to another dimension by a rogue Dusclops…" 

"Oh… That's a shame. I really wanted you to hear you guys play…" Alistair immediately sat upright again and grinned toothily at Dawn. 

"Oh no…" Alex said. "Now you've done it Dawn…"

"What do you mean- AAAAAHHHHHH!" Alistair grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her as he started talking rapidly and haphazardly. 

"You want me to play! I can do that! What do you want to hear- I can play anything! ANYTHING! You name any genre and I can play it- Blues, jazz, ROCK, pop, rap, hip-hop, punk, emo, ballroom, country, gospel, reggae, avant-garde, bluegrass, electronic, Latino, R&B, Gothic, metal, indie, folk, Calypso, Zydeco- ANYTHING!" 

"Al! Calm down numb nuts!" Alex said pushing Alistair off of Dawn and slapped him a few times across the face. 

"Thanks dude…" Alistair said rubbing his cheeks. "Sorry about that Dawn. I just get so… _elated_when people want me to play…" 

"Um, it's okay Alistair…" She said. She still looked rather shook up after that. "Great… Just when I thought he was the normal one…" She thought. 

"So what do you want to hear?" Alistair asked he pulled his guitar out of Terra's tree. 

"I don't know… Um… How about a nice love song-?"

"Ugh…" Pearl and Alex groaned. 

"Why don't you just kill us now?" Alex asked. 

"Seriously Dawn. A love song? No one wants to hear that crap!" Pearl whined. 

"Shut up assholes! He asked what _I_wanted to hear, not you!"

"Relax Dawn," Alistair said strumming his guitar a few times. "I'm actually glad you asked for a love song. I was writing one on the way over here and I want some feedback from someone besides this chode over here," he said irritably as he pointed to Alex. 

"But the song sucks Al!"

"No it doesn't! And Dawn here will prove it! Ahem… Now without further ado, I present to your ear pussies… Requiem of a Loser…"

Let's start off with a short description of me

I'm a lonely boy of thirteen who's addicted to RPG's 

Harry Potter glasses, penny loafers and a stupid WoW T shirt

All the other kids laugh and deride me

I laugh along with them to cover all that hurts…

I think nothing of it so they won't see…

I sat on my lawn one day and started contemplating

I wondered if I should go out and start dating

And that's when you walked by

Flawless skin, raven hair and emerald eyes

It was then I knew 

That I had to have you

But there's no way you'd go for a guy like me…

I may not be ready now

But one day, some way, somehow

I'll be worthy of your affection

But until then I'm stuck playing with my erection

One day I'll be your knight in shining armor

You'll be the princess I save from the tower

Until then this is my requiem of love

Until that hour…

I go back inside completely amazed

I only saw you for 3 seconds but I think about you for days

I walk down to the gym, y'know the one by the curb

And start beefing up until I'm the man you deserve

I ask around for your name, address, birthday, phone number

I find out about your past but I'm too shy to talk to you

What a bummer…

I may not be ready now

But one day, some way, somehow

I'll be worthy of your affection

But until then I'm stuck playing with my erection

One day I'll be your knight in shining armor

You'll be the princess I save from the tower

Until then this is my requiem of love

Until that hour…

… It's been a year since that fateful day

I pray to God you're still around, you haven't gone astray

During the time apart I've dropped my video game addiction

I've cancelled all my MMORPG subscriptions

Now I've got a twelve pack and the visage of an Adonis

I'm finally ready for you my goddess

When I finally found you, much to my chagrin 

You were half naked and making out with _him…_

I say nothing. I turn away…

My thoughts go back to that very first day…

(Oh no no…)

I quickly scurry back home…

It's far too late…

I sit there alone…

I just can't believe my angel is fleeing to third base…

(Why…?)

I get back up…

(No…)

And go out back…

(No…)

I break open my dad's tool shed…

(Don't do it…!)

And with one swing…

(STOP!)

I run the pickaxe through my head!

I may not be ready now

(You go on with your life, oblivious to how I felt)

But one day, some way, somehow

(Completely unaware of the damage you dealt, nooo)

I'll be worthy of your affection

(I hope he makes your body happy; makes you wetter)

But until then I'm stuck playing with my erection

(Because heaven knows I would have loved you better, yeah yeah yeah...)

One day I'll be your knight in shining armor

(You know what's funny? What's really a shame?)

You'll be the princess I save from the tower

(You never even knew my name!)

Until then this is my requiem of love

Until that hour…

Requiem of a loser…

Requiem of a loser…

Requiem of a… sigh… loser…

"…Wow Al… That has to be the absolute… gayest thing I've ever heard!" Pearl shouted, breaking the silence between the four o them. 

"I told you it sucked Al," Alex replied in agreement. 

"Oh fuck you, you chodes! What would swines like you know about good music anyway!" Alistair retorted angrily.

"Don't listen to them Alistair! I thought it was a great song!" Dawn said,

"YAYNESS!" He rejoiced. He quickly dropped his guitar and hugged her around the neck. "Seriously Dawn, you have no idea what that means to me!"

"Um… you're welcome? So uh… Can you let go of me?" She asked, unable to hold back the blush on her face. Alistair let go of her but was too wrapped up in his little world to notice it. 

"I'm so, so, _so_ glad you liked it! I thought the lyrics were terrible so I was wondering if you'd like it or not."

"No, the lyrics were beautiful! I think you could have left out the sex jokes though. The song's supposed to be about an ambitious loser and the sexual stuff just clashed with it."

"Hmm… You might have a point. Do you think my portrayal of the characters thorough enough or-."

"HELLO!" Pearl screamed in Alistair's ear, almost making him fall of Terra's back. "Would you two shut the fuck up so we can get a move on!"

"Jesus Christ! What the hell is wrong with you little bastard! And why are you in such a hurry? We're not going anywhere!"

"The hell we're not… We're going to look for Diamond," he said simply. He rummaged through his pocket and pulled out a large, rotund ball of red yarn. 

"How're we gonna find him? We don't have any idea where he is!" Dawn said. Pearl nonchalantly pulled out four loose threads from the ball of yarn. One of them already had his name inscribed onto it. 

"I never worry about losing Diamond because of this beauty right here. It's called a Destiny Knot and-."

"Aren't those the things that make pokemon fall in love?" Alex asked. 

"Well yes… But they have other uses too. When you write your name on one of these magical threads-."

"Magical threads?"

"Can you guys please shut up so I can explain how this thing works! Damn. Anyway… When you write your name on one of these magical threads, your fate becomes linked to the fates of everyone else who has written their names on the threads. If you tie a knot around someone else's string then you'll be automatically teleported to that person," he explained. He pulled Diamond's thread out from the mass of other threads and stood it up straight. 

"This has got to be the dumbest thing I've ever heard of…" Alistair grumbled. Pearl pulled a pen out of his pocket and shoved it into Alistair's open hand.

"Go ahead. If it's so _dumb_ then nothing will happen if you tie a knot, right?" Pearl said. Alistair irritably scrawled his name across the thread and tied a knot around Diamond's thread…

Meanwhile…

"FREEDOM!" I shouted as Darkrai and I finally climbed our way out of Iron Mountain. We didn't see Marley, Riley or Cheryl along the way so I suppose they went back to Canalave already. Darkrai shielded its eyes from the loose rays of light coming off of the setting sun. 

"It has been so long since I've seen the light…" It muttered. I walked down a few steps and sat down by the island's craggy shoreline. Darkrai continued to stare at the sunset, unable to say anything more. I yawned and lied down on my back with my hands behind my head. 

"Don't stare into the sun too long Darkrai. You'll go blind…"

"Uh… Diamond? What's that?" It asked. It pointed above its head. I took one look and gasped when I realized that it was actually a_person_ falling out of the sky. The unknown person shrieked loudly until he crashed headfirst into the ground just a few feet away from me. On further inspection I recognized him to be…

"Alistair? From our sister fanfic, Musical Misconceptions? What's _he_ doing here?" 

"Watch out!" Darkrai pulled me out of the way as two more figures fell out of the sky and plowed into Alistair. I recognized them to be Dawn and Alex, also from Musical Misconceptions. 

"What the hell is going on?" I asked. The answer came to me when a fourth figure (Pearl) landed perfectly next to me. "Let me guess. Destiny Knot?"

"Destiny Knot. I guess I forgot to tell them that the trick is to land on your feet and not your head…"

"Hehehe… They got owned!" 

"Uh oh…" Pearl said. "I'd move to the side if I were you…"

"Why?" I looked back to the skyline to find a Torterra heading straight for me.

"Yeah… I brought Alistair's Torterra with us…"

"… I hate situational irony…" I grumbled as the Torterra clashed landed into me. Can someone say 'owned up the ass'?


	47. Return of An Old Bitch

Diamond

Pokemon-

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staravia (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

I sheepishly opened my eyes an almost infinitesimal amount. I blinked a few times so I could see what was going on. I was in a hospital bedroom. Marley was sitting in the corner reading 'Mien Kampf' again. I sat upright and yawned loudly so she would notice me. She didn't respond to me in the slightest and kept on reading her Nazi book. She either didn't hear me or she just didn't care…

"Ahem…" I coughed. Still nothing. "Ahem. Ahem! AHEM!" Still not looking away from the book, she picked up a cough drop from the table next to her and tossed it at me. It harmlessly bounced off of my forehead and into my hand. 

"You should get that cough checked out," she said.

"Damn it Marley, I don't have a cough!"

"Quit coughing like an idiot then!"

Now slightly annoyed, I popped the cough drop into my mouth anyway. I swung my feet out and tried to stand up but my right foot bumped against something hard and a spasm of pain ran up my leg. Acting upon reflex, my leg kicked out and I was sent sprawling backwards onto the cold white hospital floor. 

"Son of a bitch…" I grumbled as I sat back up again. The hard thing my foot bumped into was its own cast. I heard Marley let out a sigh before she put her book down and came to my side. 

"Yeah. I was meaning to ask you about that. Did you get hit by a bus or something?"

"It was a Torterra actually…" She grabbed my hand firmly and helped me back onto the bed. "Thanks."

"Whatever…" She said before taking her seat and flipping open her book again. 

"Hey Marley, can I ask you something?"

"What?"

"Why are you reading that book? Are you trying to learn how to cook Jews or something?"

"No you prick. I'm reading this for my term paper…"

"Term paper? As in _college_ term paper?"

"Yep. I'm in my senior year at Canalave University."

"But you're only 16!" 

"Riley never bothered to tell you that I'm a certified genius, did he? I've advanced courses, three term papers due next week, and valedictorian-worthy grades yet I still have enough time to save you and Riley's asses on a regular basis…" 

"Damn. I barely passed kindergarten… But then again I _did_try to assassinate the teacher and incite a revolt throughout the school…"

"Idiot…" She grunted before turning back to her book. I spotted a pair of crutches near my bed and pulled towards me. I got out of bed without slipping this time and made for the door. This is, like, the third time I've broken my leg so I was used to walking with crutches. "Where's Riley? I brought back his Machamp for him and-."

"Down the hall, make a left, fourth room on your right."

"Thanks… emo."

"You're_so_ lucky I don't hurt the handicapped!" She snapped as she slammed the door behind me. I turned away and begun to walk (limp… whatever) down the hallway like she said but Pearl, Dawn, Alistair and Alex were sitting in the middle of the corridor. Alistair's Ambipom named Virtuoso was using its four arms to play guitar and drums at the same time while everyone including Alistair's Chatot, Fiona sang along.

I see a Mansard Roof through the trees,

I see a salty message written in the eves,

The ground beneath my feet,

We are garbage and concrete,

And now the tops of buildings

I can see them too!

The Argentines collapse in defeat,

The admiralty surveys the remnants of the fleet,

The ground beneath their feet

Is a nautically mapped sheet

As thin as paper

While it slips away from you!

"What the hell are you tards doing?" I asked.

"You're the tard that didn't move out of the way when I told you to!" Pearl retorted. "Hehehe… You're a funny monkey Vir-Vil-Vla-Richard…" He said tickling Virtuoso's chin. 

"Dude… We are so high right now…" Alistair mumbled whilst sniffing Alex's foot. 

"Yeah… Dudes. You know what would be awesome?"

"What?" Pearl and Alistair asked. 

"Okay. Get this. Jet packs… for dogs! Wouldn't that be the coolest shit?"

"Hell yeah amigo! Mmm… I feel like having tacos again… Come here you winged taco!" Pearl said as he tried to grab Fiona off of Alistair's shoulder. Dawn gave the three of them a look as she got off the ground and walked towards me. She still hadn't most of the dirt out of her hair from when she crash landed into Iron Island…

"Pearl found the medicinal marijuana supplies…" She said answering the question that was on my mind. 

"That's right! We're taking a trip down the cannabis express!" Pearl exclaimed happily.

"CHOO CHOO!" Both Als chimed in. 

"Dumb shits…" I said irritably. I wanted to whack them all with my crutches so badly at that point but I thought better of it. "What are they doing here anyway? Don't they have their own fanfiction?"

"RTJ put their fic on an indefinite hiatus and moved them here because none of the fans are even _attempting_ to make character submissions (except maybe bm631 but that was three weeks ago -.-)." 

"Well ain't that a bitch…" At that moment, for some reason, I remembered the conversation I had with Barty just a few hours ago. I just _had_ to tell someone about this... But who could I trust with such important information? 

I looked down at Pearl (who was still trying to eat Fiona). This involved him too so I supposed I should tell him. When he wasn't high of course… I looked to Alistair and Alex. I knew they were nice guys but I haven't known them for very long. I didn't think I could trust them just yet. Finally I looked up at Dawn.

"…Dawn? Can I ask you something?"

"Um, sure. What do you want?" I grabbed her by the wrists and pulled her close to my face. I stared into her eyes in hopes to see if I could really trust their owner. Her eyes met mine with shock and fear of what might happen next. "W-What are you doing Diamond?" She said meekly. Color began to rise in her cheeks. She noticed this and tried to turn her head away so I wouldn't see. I didn't know it at the time but this was the same position she was in when Roark kissed her and she expected the same thing was going to happen again…

"I want to know if I can trust you with information _extremely_important to me and Pearl. Life and death information," I said solemnly. The color in her cheeks died away and her expression turned just as hard as mine. I looked into her cerulean blue eyes again and saw the determination and attentiveness of their owner behind them. I grinned to myself; I knew I could trust her now. I let go of her wrists suddenly and took up my crutches again. 

"You can trust me with anything Diamond," she replied.

"Good. Get Pearl up and follow me. We need to talk with Riley…" She grudgingly caught Pearl by the back of his collar and dragged him alongside her as we traversed our way to Riley's room. Cheryl was already frantically knocking at Riley's door.

"Riley please come out! It isn't like you to mope around…" Cheryl sighed. 

"…Just leave me alone Cheryl…" Riley's voice said through the door. At least I think it was Riley's voice… It lost its happy-go-lucky quality. His voice used to be so full of life but now it feels like something died inside of him…

"Riley? Emo? I never thought I'd see the day when my retarded master would turn into Marley…" I said. "Let me handle this Cheryl… OPEN UP YOU MAN WHORE!" I bellowed whilst kicking the door with my good foot. Cheryl and Dawn held me back and covered my mouth.

"Diamond!" Dawn hissed. "This is a freaking hospital! You can't go around screaming like an idiot!" 

"Riley's the only one here acting like an idiot! Open up Riley! I have your Machamp!" Riley opened the door a crack; just enough so I could see one of his forlorn eyes, which seemed to glimmer in the dark room behind him.

"…Did you really find Machamp? Is it okay?"

"Barely. I can't give it to you out here. My new friend doesn't like added attention…" I said taking a glance out of the corner of my eye to see my shadow. I had not forgotten how Darkrai doesn't trust many people; a trait we both share. 

"What do you mean 'new friend-?" Cheryl started but I had already gone into the room and slammed the door in her face. "Why you dirty little fucker! I'm gonna break your other leg when you come back out!" She threatened. 

"Mmm… Me likey big breasts…" Pearl muttered, followed by screaming from both women. 

"PEARL! LET GO OF CHERYL'S BOOBS!" Dawn shrieked. 

"Hold on tighter? Okay!"

"NO STUPID! _LET GO!_"

"DIE PERVERT!" Cheryl hollered. "I'M GONNA BEAT YOU WITH YOUR OWN INTESTINES!" 

"CHERYL DON'T DO IT! HE'S HIGH, HE CAN'T CONTROL HIMSELF!"

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN! HIS ASS IS GRASS!" 

"Hehe! Good luck catching me! I'm Speedy Gonzalez biotch! The fastest mouse in all of Mexico¡Ándale¡Ándale¡Arriba¡Arriba! That's Spanish for uh… um… er…uh… SUCK MY DICK!" Pearl retorted followed by the sound of him blowing a raspberry.

"GET BACK HERE!"

"Diamond! Please hurry up! I can't hold these two off forever!" Dawn pleaded. 

"I'll be done in a few minutes!" I said back. I flipped the light switch to find Riley sitting with his back to me in a chair in front of the window. He wasn't moving in the slightest. It was almost like he was a somber statue, doomed to stare into the night sky for all of eternity (we're getting poetic bitch!).

"You can come out now Darkrai," I said. My shadow lurched in response but instead of Darkrai, Riley's Machamp floated out of it. Upon seeing Riley it ran over to give him a hug. Riley tossed a pokeball over his shoulder, still not turning to face us. The pokeball pegged Machamp in the chest and returned it to the small sphere. 

"That's pretty cold of you… You've got your Machamp back so quit being emo already."

"…I'm not just upset about losing Machamp… Lucario nearly died because _I_ didn't expect him to Explosion. Heracross and I both have broken ribs because _I_ didn't realize they were using shadow sneak in time. Machamp was almost lost forever because _I_wasn't strong enough to save it…"

"You're just a man Riley! You can't be expected to save every person and pokemon-."

"That's exactly what I'm expected to do!" He shouted burying his face in his hands in anguish. "The whole country expects me to never lose. To never fail. To always stand up for what's right… To be a hero… I've let them all down…" 

"… They're also the ones at fault Riley. They expect you to be their god instead of a man. It's just like Barty said-."

"Barty?"

"Yeah that's Soli's real name. He's also my dad-."

"Your dad! Your _father_ did this to me!" He finally got out of his seat and tore off his shirt. His chest was wrapped almost entirely with bandages and there were several bruises running up his neck from when Dusknoir tried to strangle him.

"I'll explain later… Anyway, it's like Barty said and I quote… 'IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO KNOW YOUR PLACE'! End quote."

"I don't get what you mean…"

"Dimwit… What were you before all this 'hero' nonsense?"

"An underwear model."

"Exact- What? No! Before that!"

"The guy who scrapes barnacles off the hulls of ships."

"Before that!" 

"A women's underwear model." 

"Damn it Riley! BEFORE THAT!"

"A pokemon trainer." 

"Exactly! The whole point of being a pokemon trainer is to find your place in the world, to always seek for the number one spot! Someone stronger has now taught you your place. Now, what do _trainers_, not heroes; do when they get taught their place?"

"… Get back up again and train harder… I see what you're getting at Diamond but I can't rightfully say I'm a trainer anymore; what with the way I let them get hurt like that…" I felt the strong urge to whack him with my crutches just like before but I calmed myself down just in time. 

"You're hopeless… Dawn? You can bring them in now!"

"That's easier said than done… Come here you dimwit!" I opened the door for her and watched as she struggled to drag Pearl with her. Pearl was shouting obscenities and trying to shoot Cheryl down with a rifle. Wait. WHAT?

"…And on the sixth day, God invented the Remington bolt action rifle, so that man could fight against the dinosaurs and homosexuals…" Pearl muttered taking aim at Cheryl. "…And the occasional psychopathic whore biscuit. Amen. Prepare to die foul wench!" 

Just as he was about to pull the trigger I swung my crutch down on the barrel, making him shoot down at the floor instead. The force of the shot caused him and Dawn to get knocked backwards into Riley. The three of them landed in a heap under the window. The rifle was flung out of Pearl's hands.

"Damn that was close! Where the hell did he get that thing!" I asked. I picked the rifle up and tossed it out the window. Dawn managed to climb out of the tangled mess of bodies and stood up again (not without punching Pearl in the mouth first of course). 

"I don't know! Cheryl was just chasing after him and then he starts saying that Mean Girls was a hilarious movie. Then all of a sudden that thing pops into his arms out of nowhere and he starts shooting up the place!" She said frantically. Hmm… I remembered when Pearl was trying to catch Orgy by shooting it down with a crossbow that came from nowhere too. Could this be the powers of the Lustrous Orb at work…? Dawn then broke my pondering state by unexpectedly flinging her arms around my neck and pulling me into a tight hug. 

"Don't_ever_ leave me alone with that maniac again! I don't think I can handle babysitting him again without losing my mind!" She pulled away from me just as suddenly as she began. She was blushing again but not as much as. I guess she was getting used to hugging me by now. 

"You're lucky. You only had to handle him for one day (which felt like an eternity considering that it spanned over eleven chapters…). Try thirteen years…" She shivered at the very thought of it. 

"Is that why you're such a sour puss?" She said with a giggle. 

"Sour puss? What's that supposed to mean- Control yourselves!" Cheryl had snuck into the room and tried to pounce on Pearl. I pointed the end of my crutches at each of their necks. "I need both of you to shut up, sit the fuck down and listen to what I have to say! It's extremely important! And that goes for you two too!" I said pointing at Dawn and Riley with my good foot. 

I slammed the door, locked it, pulled a chair in front of it and sat down. Dawn and Pearl took seats on the bed while Cheryl sat in Riley's lap. Riley was apathetic to her and continued to stare out the window. 

"Okay… I need you all to listen. It all started with my idiot father, Barty and Pearl's idiot father, Palmer tried to take over the world…" I told them everything Barty had told me. From the creation legend, the failed attempt of capturing Arceus, Pearl's and my connection to the orbs, and what had happened inside the caves. The only thing I neglected to tell them about was Darkrai's involvement. My gut (well that and the rude and deathly gestures my shadow was making) told me that Darkrai didn't want to be involved in this in anyway…

I looked at each one of them separately. Dawn had her hands over her mouth, now generally frightened. Pearl finally came to his senses and was looking solemnly at his feet with his arms crossed. He seemed to be in deep concentration about something. Riley was still showing the same level of apathy as before while Cheryl looked downright puzzled.

"I don't get it," she spoke up finally. "Why do you all look so worried? Like you said, the orbs can't be used for selfish reasons. So what's the problem?"

"The problem is that now we've become targets for our crazy dads and Sharon. Palmer's a former champion and master of the Battle Tower. And lets not forget that Barty effortlessly wiped the floor with you, Marley and Mr. Doom and Gloom over there…" I answered. I saw Riley clench his fist in anger but he didn't respond. Pearl suddenly perked his head up with a shocked look on his face. He gasped and jumped to his feet.

"Team Galactic!" He shouted in realization. 

"What about them?" Dawn asked. 

"I knew I heard Dialga and Palkia from somewhere before! They were two of the passwords Team Galactic had! They must be after them too!" 

"… He's right!" Riley spoke suddenly. "Those _were_ two of the passwords! But what would Team Galactic want to do with them…?" Dawn was the one to gasp this time. 

"Cyrus wants to use their powers to create his ideal universe! He used me to help him figure out how to distort dimensions back in Jubilife. The only thing he was missing was a power source… That's where Dialga and Palkia come in! Oh god… This is all my fault!" She exclaimed before burying her face in her hands and crying. 

"No it's not Dawn! It's people like Cyrus and my dad's fault for thinking they can save the world by destroying it or doing whatever they want with it. That's when _I_ rule the world, I'm gonna rule it the right way! WOAH!" I shouted. A claw ripped through the door behind me suddenly. I dove out of the way as a second hooked slammed through the door to the space where my head had just been two seconds ago. The closest claw pushed further into the room, revealing a familiar dark blue lizard-like arm with a large triangular fin attached. The same claw sliced the door knob clean off and retreated back outside. 

"Good job Garchomp…" An all too familiar voice said. 

"No way!" Pearl and I shouted angrily when we realized who it was. It was the same person that sent us to Sandgem jail three months ago… The door slammed open, knocking over my chair, to reveal Sharon, Garchomp and our old nemesis from the Diamond and Pearl Beach Tournament, Cynthia…

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pearl's antics made my little sister fall out of her chair XD. But seriously people, I'm still accepting character submissions. Oh and like always R and R or Cynthia and Garchomp will kick you in the nuts (or in your face if your nuts impaired).


	48. Riley Revealed

Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon-

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"Cynthia!" Dawn, Pearl and I shouted simultaneously. We all leapt to our feet and each whipped a pokeball of our belts. Cheryl looked confused again and Riley… He glared at her with a level of animosity that I didn't think he could ever muster… That's weird. I don't think they've ever met… Cynthia smirked at me and poked me in the forehead.

"Relax squirt. I'm not here to pick a fight, right Sharon?" Cynthia said looking over her shoulder. Sharon seemed distant from what was going on. Instead of responding she just looked at her watch solemnly. "Sharon focus!"

"Wha-? Oh. Sorry Cynthia…" I glared at her, remembering her connections with Barty. What was she waiting for…?

"Whatever…"

"If you're not here to fight us then why are you here? Did you come to send us back to jail you filthy bitch?!" Pearl said.

"Nope. Prof. Rowan told me about your escapades in Jubilife City and what Team Galactic's been up to. I decided to put my talents to good use by helping to take them down with you guys. So, _ally _(followed by another poke to the forehead)what are these Dialga and Palkia things you were talking about?" I shuddered on the spot and Dawn and Pearl did the same. We were all thinking the same thing…

"H-How much did you hear?" I asked. If she knows about our connection to the orbs then she might use it against us…

"Just about Team Galactic and the passwords. You mind filling us in on the rest?" I mentally sighed with relief. She hadn't heard the important parts. And there was no way in hell we were gonna partner up with her. If it wasn't for her, Pearl and I would have been able to protect Dawn from getting captured in the first place…

"No fucking way!" I said, flipping her off in the process.

"Excuse me? You don't seem to get it kid. Our past differences don't matter anymore. We're on the same side now-."

"Yeah right. We're never partnering up with the likes of you! Come on you guys!" I brushed past Cynthia and Sharon with Dawn and Pearl following closely behind. Garchomp narrowed its eyes at me as I passed. I guess it's still angry over that last defeat…

"They need some gentle coercion… Sharon, I want you to- SHARON!" She shrieked. Sharon snapped out of her pondering state once again. "Were you daydreaming about us having sex again?"

"What? No! Not this time…"

"Good. Now go after them and make them cooperate by any means necessary…" Sharon sighed, pulled a pokeball out of her pocket and chased after us.

"Go Steelix!" She said releasing it under her so she could stand atop its head. Cheryl leapt from Riley's lap and chased after her.

"Get back here!" Cheryl cried out. "You won't get away with this!" Once we were all out of earshot, Cynthia closed the door slammed the door behind her, leaving her all alone with Riley.

"So… Is that your new girlfriend? I'm not impressed…" She said taking a step toward him. Riley got out of his seat and stood his ground, still glaring loathingly at her.

"…What are you really after Cynthia?"

"Hmm? I told you already. I'm here to help-."

"Don't give me that shit. You're just a greedy, conniving harpy that only cares about herself!" He spat. She merely smirked at him and put a hand to his cheek. He grabbed her wrist and tore her hand away from him. "Don't touch me…"

"You still know me so well… Do you remember when we first met? We were so young and innocent then… It was here in Canalave wasn't it? You were working at Byron's gym right?" She asked conversationally. Riley's anger abated slightly as he remembered the times they spent together.

"Yeah… You thought I was a gym trainer and had your Gabite try and gnaw my leg off… But that's all in the past. I'll never forgive you for what you did to me and Valerie-."

"Oh please," She said rolling her eyes. "You're still mad about that? She was just holding you back, holding _us_ back! Why can't you just let it go?"

"Because she was my fucking sister, Cynthia! And unlike you, I actually gave a damn about her!"

"Don't give me that bull! You cared about her even less than I did!" Riley stared down at the floor, unable to say another word. He knew she was right… "I suppose this is why we broke up… Fine. If you want to settle this once and for all, come to the docks in a half hour…"

Meanwhile…

"Dude, I'm telling you. System of a Down was _the_ greatest band of this decade!" Alistair argued. He and Alex calmed down just like Pearl did and began arguing as they walked to Riley's room.

"Bullshit! There are plenty of better bands like Seether-."

"Seether?! Are you kidding me? Seether can't hold a candle to the friggin' awesomeness that is System. Whoever heard of a South African punk rock group full of white guys anyway?"

"They're way better than your fucking terrorist sons of bitches!"

"For the last time, they're from Armenia! How could you honestly call yourself my best friend and think S.O.A.D sucks?! They have/had, whatever, the most driven and poetic lyrics. Ever. Period. End of story."

"And that's another thing! I don't get their lyrics whatsoever! At least with bands like Seether and Green Day I can understa-."

"Bull to the shit! You must be fucking stupid if you can't understand S.O.A.D! And Green Day, Alex? Green Day?! System fucking rapes those pricks! Jesus Christ, next you'll be saying Blink 182 has talent!"

"You don't have to worry about that dude, I hate Blink 182."

"Good. I was beginning to think that we didn't have anything in common anymore… Now back to the matter at hand. System's lyrics are so friggin easy to understand! Here, let me play a little from their song B.Y.O.B-."

"What does that stand for?"

"Bring your own beer."

"But isn't that an Anti-Iraq war song?"

"Dude. Just trust me; it will all make sense after you hear this…" Alistair stopped to take his guitar out of its case and put its strap over his back.

Barbarisms by Barbaras  
With pointed heels  
Victorious victories kneel  
For brand new spankin' deals

Marching forward hypocritic and  
Hypnotic computers  
You depend on our protection  
Yet you feed us lies from the tablecloth

Lalalalalalalala, ooooooohhhhh

Everybody's going to the party, have a real good time  
Dancing in the desert blowing up the sunshine

Kneeling roses disappearing into  
Moses' dry mouth  
Breaking into Fort Knox stealing  
Our intentions

Hangers sitting dripped in oil  
Crying freedom  
Handed to obsoletion  
Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth

Lalalalalalalala, ooooooohhhhh…

"… Dude! That didn't make any fucking sense!"

"Dude you're such a tard!"

"Fuck you Al! System sucks and so does your mom!"

"Vaginal discharge!"

"Hairy man tits!"

"PRO ABORTION STATEMENT!"

"That's it! I'm quitting Z.O.G.S!" Alex cried. He took up his drums, spun on his heel and started walking the opposite way. Alistair quickly caught him by his elbow.

"Dude, you can't leave Zeus on the Guitar Strings because we had one stupid fight!"

"Watch me!" He said throwing off Alistair's arm.

"Aww come on! Don't you remember why we started this band in the first place?"

"To get lots of money and wild groupie sex?"

"Well, yes... But that wasn't what I was talking about. I can't believe you don't remember! When we were in preschool we used to watch Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers just to listen to the awesome theme song!"

"That was an awesome theme song… What's your point?"

"My point is that that theme song inspired us to go into rock in the first place! Z.O.G.S has eleven years of history behind it and will _never_ be broken by some stupid crap like this! Give me a hug you shaggy bastard you!"

"Aww, I love you (in a non-homosexual way of course) you pasty faced bohemian! … HOLY SHIT!"

"Hush Alex! There's nothing wrong about two guys hugging-."

"No dude! Look!" Alex exclaimed pointing behind Alistair. Alistair turned around and his eyes widened in horror as he saw me, Pearl and Dawn trying to outrun Sharon and her Steelix.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-Sharon's so sexy-FUCK!" Pearl shrieked. I was slowly falling behind them…

"Diamond! Run faster or that thing will crush you!" Dawn cried.

"HELLO?! I have a fucking broken leg here! I can only go so fast!" I thought I was going pretty damn fast for someone who had to walk with crutches. However, Dawn distracted me from my progress, causing me to slip and fall to the floor. I watched with horror as the giant metal serpent plowed its way towards me. I threw my hands over my head and braced for impact… But it never came. I opened my eyes to see Steelix going over me instead of into me. Dawn, Alistair, Alex and Pearl all leapt to the sides as Steelix slithered on by without even turning back for them.

"Holy mother humping sister of Jesus! That was too close!" Pearl exclaimed. I picked up my crutches and started running (limping, whatever) after Sharon and Steelix.

"Come on you guys, we need to stop her!"

"Huh? Why should we?" Dawn asked. "She isn't going after us anymore!"

"She's my dad's apprentice, remember? I think she's going to try and free him!"

"Uh… What the hell's going on?" Alistair asked helping Alex back up.

"We'll explain later but right now we need to go kick her ass before she gets to Iron Island!"

"Diamond wait!" Cheryl said running up to me. She stopped to catch her breath and released her Blissey next to me. "Use heal bell!" A transparent golden bell suddenly appeared over my head. It rocked back and forth a few times. The sound of it echoed from my head down to my broken leg. A golden glow resonated through my cast.

"My leg… I can feel it again! Thanks Cheryl!" Pearl released Humpy and had it use metal claw to rip my bandages off.

"You're welcome… Go on without me. I need to catch my breath…"

"Don't worry, we can handle ourselves. Go Punchy!" As usual, it greeted me by punching me in the mouth. "Asshole…" The others did the same by releasing Turtwig, Virtuoso and Quagsire. "Let's kick some ass!" We charged through the front doors and scanned the area for any sign of Sharon. It wasn't really that hard. A giant metal snake haphazardly slithering through downtown Canalave upturning cars and making civilians run in fear in its wake wasn't that hard to miss...

"Is this thing on? Yes, excuse us people of Canalave! We are just passing through so there's no need to worry! Attempts to stop me will be met with great opposition!" Sharon warned through a megaphone that came from… uh, nowhere important…

"Eh, at least she gave us fair warning," Pearl said.

"Fair warning doesn't mean shit if we don't listen… If we try to attack them head on we'll probably be hit by an overturned car or broken glass falling from buildings…" Alistair reasoned.

"Then we're doing this from above! Let's go Poopy!" I said releasing the raven pokemon (which promptly dropped a fresh one on my foot…). It gripped my shoulders in its talons and Punch latched onto my back, just like the formation we did back in Jubilife City.

"When did Poopy evolve?" Pearl asked releasing Orgy from its ball. It grabbed him by the shoulders as well and Humpy latched onto his left leg (followed by some humping…). "Stop that!"

"It crashed into a large dusk stone. Are you guys coming?" I asked. Alistair had already released Fiona to carry him and Virtuoso had already climbed onto his back. Dawn and Alex, however, didn't release another pokemon.

"Drifloon isn't strong enough to carry me," Dawn said.

"And Quagsire here is the only pokemon I have on me," Alex said.

"Fine. Here, you can keep yourselves safe with Terra around," Alistair said tossing a pokeball to Alex.

"Be careful you guys…" Dawn looked at me fearfully. I grinned at her and gave her a thumbs up.

"We'll be fine. Let's go!" All three bird pokemon let out a cry of readiness as they all took off at once. We flew over the mass of scurrying people to the center of the chaos.

The scene was a mess to say the least. Steelix's slammed into the sides of skyscrapers at it slithered, sending shards of glass and concrete down on the streets below. Cars fleetly skidded out of Steelix's way but usually just ended up colliding into other cars. Many of the survivors either ran for it, got blown away by the exploding automobiles or injured from the glass that fell on them like rain. It sickened me to know that Sharon would go to any length just to save a lunatic like Barty…

"Fly higher! We're gonna get hit by the glass if we don't!" I ordered. We flew up at least twenty more feet so we could avoid the storm of shards raining down below. The shards gave off an eerie glowing quality as they glinted in the light made from the streetlights. It made it look like Steelix was leaving a trail of glitter along coupled with the chaos it left behind. The only way to get to Iron Island is from the docks. They'd have to turn soon…

Without telling Alistair and Pearl, I had Poopy fly me even higher above them so that we were only inches above the collapsing skyscrapers. Just like I predicted, they began to turn to the left. Poopy cut across the tops of a few more building so that we were hovering directly over Steelix.

"My God… What the hell were we thinking?!" I asked no one in particular. Seeing it up close, I noticed how much _bigger_ it was than us. It had to be at least fifty feet! How in the world was a group of five unusual teenagers gonna be able to take down a monster like that? "Eh… It works for the power rangers so why not here? Yo, Rosie O'Donnell! Did you grow a dick yet?" I jeered. Sharon turned around to find me diving straight for her.

"Well if it isn't little Di-Di! Come down here and give your big sister a hug-."

"Don't give me that shit!" Once we were close enough, Poopy let go of my shoulders. Punchy and I landed on perfectly on Steelix's head and across from Sharon. Poopy started to circle us, waiting for an order. "I know you're trying to rescue Barty!"

"Rescue? I just got worried because he didn't me on time! Is he okay?"

"Let's just say I've put his plans on _ice_…" Her expression turned stony (much like Riley's).

"What did you to him?"

"Nothing that concerns you!"

"It has everything to do with me! Father and I will make this family royalty! Don't you want that Diamond? To be a family again?"

"… Again? Stop lying to yourself. We've never been a family and we never will be! Dark Pulse! Fire Punch!" Sharon reacted faster than I thought possible. She sidestepped the fire punch, grabbed Punchy's wrist and pulled him in front of her. She used him as a shield by throwing him in the path of Poopy's Dark Pulse. "Punchy!" I called. Punchy, now sapped of its strength, fell backwards down off of Steelix's head and down its neck.

"You've picked the wrong bitch to mess with little brother… Scizor! Show him no mercy!"

Meanwhile…

Riley had used his Dragonite to fly over the battle waging in the city and headed straight for the docks. Cynthia was already there and she was nonchalantly staring at the moon. She smirked to herself when she heard him land.

"You're really hung up on this aren't you?" She asked.

"It's all I've thought about since we broke up…" He replied returning his Dragonite and silently walking towards her. She sighed and tossed a nearby stone into the ocean and watched it skip over the surface a few times.

"Remember this dock Riley? After Byron beat me, I came here to cry over the loss. You came here to comfort me, remember? We talked about each other's dreams and stared out at the ocean for hours while you ran your hands through my hair and told me you loved me… It was so romantic back then… Sometimes I wish those times never ended-."

"Then why did you let them? Why did you have to betray me like that? Why did you lie to me?!" He fumed. She didn't answer… "…It ends now Cynthia. It's time for you to pay for what you did to Valerie!"

"…Very well... Garchomp!" Before Riley could respond, Garchomp leapt out of the water and delivered a kick to his already beaten chest. He skidded several feet backwards but was determined to stay on his feet. It was taking all of his willpower just to endure the pain but he couldn't be defeated again. Not this time…

"Tyranitar!" He called releasing his own dragon (well not really but it sounds cooler that way). The two lizards stared each other down, sizing each other up. They both smirked at the other; they knew this was gonna be one hell of a fight…

"Dragon Claw!" Both ex-lovers ordered. Both lizards' claw glowed bright orange and became engulfed in vivid flames that ran up their arms. They dashed at each other with blinding speed and began the assault. Their claws clanged together shrilly with each blow; akin to the sound of swords make when they make contact. Neither could catch the other off guard long enough to land a hit. They were complete equals… Riley noticed this and became even more frustrated than he already was.

"SHADOW CLAW! DRAGON CLAW! IRON HEAD! IRON TAIL! FOCUS PUNCH! DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO WIN TYRANITAR!" Riley ordered brutally; his anger getting the better of his judgment. Tyranitar smirked fiendishly; it loves going all out against an opponent so Riley's sudden lack of judgment didn't even matter to it.

Its right claw turned from bright orange to black and the flames were replaced with red lightning emanating from the deathly claws. Garchomp hadn't anticipated such a sudden change in battle style and thus had no way to intercept the black claw that rammed into its abdomen. Its scales weren't enough to withstand the blow and blood began to pour onto Tyranitar's claws.

(Hehe. I thought you were better than this…) Tyranitar taunted. It raked its left claw, which was still burning in a Dragon Claw attack, across the side of Garchomp's face; leaving three deep gashes across the right side of its face. Garchomp reeled back in pain; clutching the gashes on its stomach and face.

"GARCHOMP!" Cynthia cried out of concern for her dragon. Riley smirked just as fiendishly as his pokemon did.

"Don't let up Tyranitar! Don't show them any mercy!"

(I don't _do_ mercy anyway. Too bad for you though…) Tyranitar snickered. He grabbed Garchomp by the wrists and pulled it in front of him so that their faces were only inches away from each other. It was only then that Tyranitar realized was a girl… (Ah… I guess it doesn't matter…) He thought. He reeled his spiked head back and brought it crashing down savagely into hers in the powerful headbutt attack known as Iron Head. Garchomp reeled back in pain, this time clutching her head. Before she could recover, Tyranitar swung his massive tail with an Iron Tail attack to her abdomen; sending her soaring backwards. (Humph… I thought you were better than that…)

"It's not over yet Tyranitar! Finish it off with Focus Punch!" Riley ordered. Tyranitar's right fist glowed bright blue as he concentrated all of his power into it. Cynthia took this to her advantage.

"Use Earthquake!" Cynthia commanded. Garchomp, despite her heavy injuries, sprang back to her feet immediately. She stomped down on the ground so hard that the ground beneath her shattered. The tremors created a fissure that head straight for Tyranitar. As much as he would have liked to, Tyranitar couldn't dodge it now that he was locked in a Focus Punch. Tyranitar was blown backwards; soaring over Riley's head and painfully crash landing into the wall of a storage building.

(Okay… Maybe she has _some_ moves…) Tyranitar said dizzily.

"Oh shit…" Was all Riley could say before Garchomp set her sights on him. She used one of her claws to hook him by the back of his collar. "Let me go!"

"Oh I'll let you go alright! Garchomp! I think Riley needs a swim…" Garchomp got the message she immediately because she immediately tossed Riley bodily into the ocean.

"Damn… Not like this…" Riley thought. The pain in his chest intensified, making him unable to swim back to the surface. His lungs couldn't stand the pain and pressure put on them and finally gave out. Riley was starting to lose consciousness…

Meanwhile…

"Come quietly and I'll spare your life baby brother!" Sharon warned. Her Scizor had clamped one of its pincers around my neck and the other was around my wrist. The pincer at my neck threatened to close off my windpipe at a moment's notice. Any harder than that then I'll be one headless protagonist…

"N-Never!" I managed to say. "You c-can't kill me! You need me to control Dialga f-f-for you, remember?" I saw Poopy looking worriedly at me from the corner of my eye. It had the perfect opportunity to hit Scizor with a Dark Pulse but Scizor could have ended up ripping my neck out in the process…

"Thank you for flying with Sexiness Airlines today! We're sorry for the delay but we hope that this complimentary bag of merciless ass whooping will be able to make up for it! Bubblebeam!" Scizor and Sharon looked away to find the source of the voice but were barraged by dozens of bubbles that exploded on contact. Scizor let go of me to cover its own head.

"Pearl!" I said. He emerged from the cloud of bubbles. He was carrying both Punchy and Humpy in his arms while Orgy carried them all. But Orgy didn't look the same anymore. I recognized it as a Staraptor, remembering the ones that chased us into Sandgem Town. "When did Orgy evolve?"

"On the way over!" Pearl said happily as he landed next to me. Punchy gleefully climbed up to my shoulder and punched me on the side of the face. Poopy roosted onto my opposite shoulder (but not without dropping one its famous fecal bombs…) "That retarded Steelix knocked over an eighteen wheeler and sent it soaring. I swear, it would have killed me and Al if Orgy here didn't evolve at the last minute. Isn't that right Orgy?" He said patting it on the head affectionately.

"Where _is_ Alistair anyway?" I asked. Pearl shrugged.

"I'm not really sure. He was with me just a second ago-."

"Scizor use metal claw!" Taking advantage of our temporary distraction, Scizor rushed at us from behind. Luckily, we both leaped out to the side just before its glowing metal pincer hit us. Punchy and Humpy leaped off of us simultaneously and tackled Scizor in midair. Scizor was thrown off of Steelix's head and only managed to save itself by clamping down on one of the spikes that jutted out of Steelix's body. "Return Scizor…" Sharon said.

"Hi my sexy love!" Pearl cried waving ecstatically at her. He cleared his throat and began to sing.

She makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up  
Just one touch  
And I erupt like a volcano and cover her with my love  
Baby girl you make me say (Ooh ooh ooh)  
And I just can't think (of anything else I'd rather do)  
Than to hear you sing (sing my name the way you do)  
When we do our thing (when we do the things we do)  
Baby girl you make me say (Ooh ooh ooh)

Sexy love girl the things you do  
(Oh baby baby) Keep me sprung keep me running back to you  
Oh I love making love to you  
Baby girl you know your my sexy-

"PEARL!" I shrieked furiously clamping a hand over his mouth. "Do you have to do that _every_ time you see her?! We're _fighting_ her, not _screwing_ her you fucking retard!"

"Shut up homo!" He retorted shoving my hand off.

"Dipshit!"

"Monkey boner!"

"Tool!"

"Deformed midget penis!"

"PRO ABORTION STATEMENT!" (I swear, that is like one of the best insults in the book).

"STEELIX! SHOW MOMMY HOW YOU STAND!" Sharon roared.

"Huh- WOAH!" Pearl and I shrieked. Steelix reared back and pointed straight up so that it was staring up at the sky. Unfortunately, Pearl, Punchy, Humpy and I weren't as prepared for this as Sharon was (she grabbed onto one of Steelix's edges) and ended up tumbling straight down the fifty foot drop.

"POOPY!"

"ORGY!" We shrieked. The wind roared in my ears as Pearl and I tumbled towards the ground. A pair of familiar talons gripped my shoulders just a few feet above the street below. Good thing too because if I had been any lower, I would have been hit by an oncoming, panic-stricken SUV and its driver. "Shit that was close!" Pearl said out of relief. Orgy had managed to save him too. "What the hell just happened?!"

"Isn't it obvious? The bull bucked us off!"

"Speaking of which… THEY'RE GETTING AWAY!" Pearl pointed out. Steelix was continuing its chaotic advance towards the harbor. However, once it reached the end of the block it was blocked by a mass of intertwining silver threads that extended between the skyscrapers on both sides. A gigantic spider web. But where did it come from…? Steelix tried to ram its way through but only ended up getting entangled in the expanse of web.

"What the hell?" Pearl marveled. "What could have made that spider web without us noticing?"

"That would be me." We turned in midair to see who spoke. Alistair had just arrived. He had replaced Virtuoso for a previously unknown Smeargle that dangled by its tail from his foot. "Leonardo and I've been making sketched Spider Webs on both ends of the street while you had Sharon distracted. Essentially, Steelix is now trapped inside of a very large concrete rectangle."

"You rock Al!" I marveled at how he thought this out so quickly… Until I looked down at the street below and nearly shit myself. "AL! YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"

"Could you make up your mind?"

"NO YOU RETARD! HOW ARE THE PEOPLE GONNA ESCAPE IF YOU'VE BLOCKED OFF BOTH EXITS?!"

"…Oh shit… I'M SUCH A TARD!"

"It's gonna take a lot more than this to stop us!" Sharon yelled to us. "Sandslash! Use Rapid Spin!" She ordered releasing it atop Steelix's head. It curled into a ball and shot itself into the spider web. Its spinning quills shredded through the web with ease and allowed Steelix to get through.

"Fuck! Let's go after them-." Pearl started.

"No! Just let them go…" I said in defeat.

"What?!" The others cried in disbelief.

"Yes… They're too resilient… We can't attack them directly, we can't attack from above or below, we can't catch them off guard, they can't be trapped and even if we found a way to defeat the Steelix there'll be another one to take its place…"

"Huh? What makes you say that?"

"Remember when she had a Steelix snatch us up in Sandgem Town? This one's twice the size of that one so even if we could defeat it, the other Steelix would go after us instead. Just give it up you guys…" Pearl looked ready to rip his hair out; he wanted to keep going but he knew he couldn't. This made his temper go through the roof. Alistair sighed and returned 'Leonardo'.

"He's right. We don't have anything solid enough to stand up to them…" He said.

"But this means Barty'll get out! We can't allow that!" Pearl said.

"I know, I know… We'll just have to deal with it I guess…"

"This sucks…"

"GUYS! GUYS! DOWN HERE! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!" A familiar voice shrieked from below. Dawn and Alex were sitting atop Terra's back in the midst of the chaos around them. Marley and Cheryl were also sitting with them.

"What's up you guys?" Alex asked. "You are! Get it? Cuz you're all flying? … Nevermind…"

"Chode…" I heard Alistair murmur out of the corner of his mouth.

"Hey you guys! We're all alright but Sharon got away though… Where's Riley?" Pearl asked.

"Huh? We thought he went with you guys!" Cheryl replied.

"That's weird… Where could he have-." I was forced out of my thoughts by a loud explosion that came from the docks; the same docks that Sharon was heading for. "Oh what now? … Guys! Head towards that sound! If we get there before Sharon then we might have another shot at taking her down!

Meanwhile…

Riley groggily opened his eyes only to find Cynthia kneeling over him; her lips pressed to his. He shoved her away and backed up until he was at the end of the pier. It wasn't until then that he realized that both he and Cynthia were completely drenched in sea water. She stared at him with a hurt look on her face.

"What did you do that for? I was only trying to help!"

"By _kissing_ me?! How the hell does that help me?"

"You idiot… Last time I checked, mouths need to touch during mouth-to-mouth!"

"Mouth-to-mouth…? You-You were trying to save me?" She nodded. "But why? I thought-."

"You thought wrong," she said helping him back to his feet. Garchomp was helping Tyranitar back to its own feet not too far away. "I suddenly felt, I don't know, remorse after Garchomp threw you into the ocean so I dove in to save you."

"Why would you do that…?" Riley asked. Cynthia, the girl who ruined his life, tore his family apart and left him a mere shell of who he once was (I swear all that will be explained later), was _saving_ him? It just doesn't make sense…

"I don't know… Maybe I miss the old times too much… Look Riley. I know you hate me for what I did but can't you just let it go? I'm not the same person I used to be…" She stared longingly into his eyes; he missed that look… She flung her arms around his neck and hugged her head to his chest with her eyes closed.

"…I don't hate you C. I never had it in me to hate people…"

"Then why are you still trying to defeat me? Why can't we just be together like we used to be? Don't you miss the old times too…?"

"I do…" He lifted her chin up to face him. They looked into the other's eyes before their lips made contact once more…

"Fuck! She's getting away!" I cursed. Pearl, Alistair and I chased Sharon from the sky while Dawn, Alex, Cheryl and Marley chased them from behind on Terra. She noticed this and switched Steelix for her Skarmory instead. Skarmory was much faster than we expected it would be… We were barely able to catch up with her…

"See you later little Di-Di!" She said tauntingly as she sped farther and farther over the ocean. She was out of view in a matter of seconds…

"DAMN! We failed!" Pearl shouted.

"Uh… Guys? Isn't that Riley down there?" Alistair asked. I looked down towards the pier. It was Riley alright. And he was kissing Cynthia. Riley? Cynthia? _Kissing_? Riley, the knuckleheaded joy (and sometimes emo) bucket and Cynthia, the devious and spiteful bitch, making out? None of this was clicking in my head. Riley plus Cynthia equals… WTF?

And it just got more confusing when Cheryl arrived…

"Crap! It looks like she got away- Riley?" She said meekly as she got off of Terra's back. Her eyes widened out of shock and so did his when he realized she was there. He immediately let go of Cynthia and stared with his mouth agape; unable to say a word.

"Well, well, well. If it isn't the dog Riley's been sporting around lately," Cynthia said maliciously.

"Cheryl- I can explain-." Riley started. Cheryl let a lone tear fall before she turned on her heel and sprinted away from the scene… Pearl, Alistair and I joined the others on the ground below. We all glared at Cynthia and Riley.

"Riley! What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" Pearl shouted. "Did that bitch seduce the information about how me and Diamond can control the ancient god pokemon Dialga and Palkia out of you?"

"Ancient god pokemon? So that's what Team Galactic's after!" Cynthia reasoned. I smacked Pearl in the back of the head.

"Nice going idiot! You just told her everything!"

"Oops… My bad… Okay, just forget everything you heard Cynthia!"

"Idiot…"

"No way kid! That little tidbit of information is going straight to Cyrus himself!"

"You wouldn't dare-."

"Oh, I dare alright! It's about time to make you squirts pay for defeating me at Sandgem! Come Garchomp! We're going to Veilstone to pass the information on to Cyrus-."

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" Riley piped in grabbing her wrist. The look of pure loathing he gave her at the hospital was nothing compared to this. She smirked and threw his hand off.

"I almost forgot about you and all I have to say is… LOL!" She shouted in his face before cackling madly. "Oh my god, I can't believe after all this time you're still the same gullible sap you've always been! I can't believe you fell for that 'I'm not the same person I used to be crap'! It's not that I'm _trying_ to ruin your life Riley; it's just that you fall for the same crap over and over again!"

"…TYRANITAR!"

"GARCHOMP!"

"HYPER BEAM!" Both elite trainers commanded at the same time. The red beams of light collided in the air and caused another explosion. Both dragon shook off the negative side effects of the attacks and charged towards each other through the smoke that arose.

"Shadow Claw, Dragon Claw- Fuck it! Attack like you're trying to kill her! Kill it! Kill it! I WANT ITS HEAD ON A PLATTER! HERS AND HER MASTER'S!" Riley roared savagely. All six of us backed away; something told us to stay out of this one… I've never seen Riley so worked up in a frenzy before… Cynthia cackled at his plight.

"Just as headstrong and foolhardy as before too, I see. Gullibility and brashness… That's why Valerie died! Not because of me! You killed her!"

"SHUT UP! KILL THEM TYRANITAR!"

"I don't think so! Garchomp, use Outrage!" Garchomp glowed bright orange and engulfed itself in mystical orange flames; much like a Dragon Claw attack except all over its body. The flames spread all over, creating a ring around Riley and Tyranitar. A small inferno spread around Cynthia and Garchomp yet it didn't seem to hurt either of them…

"Still want to kill me Riley? Come and get me…" Cynthia said before the flames obscured her from view.

"Riley!" I called out to him. "Get out of there, you'll get killed!"

"Then let me get killed! I've suffered far too long… This is my only shot at making things right again! …If I _do_ die, can you tell Cheryl I'm sorry?"

"Riley this is crazy!" Dawn said, now very close to tears herself. I pulled her by the hand as the scalding hot dragon's flames neared closer to us. Riley stood with his fists clenched and with iron determination in his eyes. The flames licked at his pant legs but he didn't attempt to put them out. He looked up at Tyranitar who was just smirking at the inferno twirled around them.

(I'm ready whenever you are) He said. Riley seemed to have understood it and nodded to it.

"Come on Tyranitar! For Valerie…" He smirked to himself as he and Tyranitar ran into the fires of hell…

The rain fell. The last embers were dying now. Cynthia had won. She got away…

Riley and Tyranitar lied motionless on the ground. Both had severe burns and deeps gashes running up and down their bodies. We slowly approached them, being wary of flames that refused to die.

"Is he-?"

"No. N-No. He can't be…"

"I-I don't know… Who could have survived an attack like that-?"

"Shut up! It's not true… It can't be true…"

We weren't able to keep lying to ourselves anymore. Riley was dead… Our tears mingled with the rain as they fell onto the deceased trainer and pokemon….

"BOOYAH!" Riley shouted from unexpectedly. He and Tyranitar sprang back on to their feet and grinned toothily. Many of us jumped backwards out of shock; some of us even fell on our asses.

"HOLY SHIT!" I shouted. "R-R-Riley?! You're still alive?!"

"You better believe it sweet cheeks!" He said, merrily poking me in the nose. It seems that his cheerfulness was resurrected with him…

"Sweet cheeks? Nevermind… How the hell could you-."

"Come on! It'll take more than various second, third and possibly fourth degree burns, loss of about a third of my body weight in blood, broken ribs and dyslexia to take me down! Wow… I can't remember the last time I had such a fun battle… I don't even care that I lost it, my dignity, and my girlfriend in the process!" Two seconds after he said that, his clothes suddenly turned into ashes. "Or that my clothes just disintegrated! I love being naked! WOOT!" Riley howled joyfully as he and Tyranitar sprinted towards the ruined city.

"… Dude… Don't you just hate these anticlimaxes?" Pearl asked me.

"Wholeheartedly… I bet half of our readers are head-desking right now…"

We eventually made it back to the hospital we started at; now frustrated and exhausted beyond belief. The hospital was over packed with victims of Sharon's charge through town. We stuck close together to make sure we didn't lose each other.

"I think I speak for all of us when I say that this has been the worst day ever…" I said over the crowd's noise. Dawn, Pearl and Marley nodded in agreement but Alistair and Alex looked at me as if I was crazy.

"Are you kidding dude? Something so action packed and dramatic would have never happened in our old story! And it's only been the first day! This has got to be the most fun we've ever had!" Alex said with a wide grin.

"Well, I'm glad you guys liked it…" I said sarcastically. "But I, on the other hand, am ready to pass out…"

"There you are!" I turned around to find Riley pushing his way through the crowd to us. Most people got out of his anyway due to the fact that he still wasn't wearing any clothes… When he finally caught up to us he gave me a bear hug. "There's my depressed little pookie bear!"

"GAAAAAAAAHHHH! LET ME GO RILEY!" I shrieked.

"Come now, there's nothing wrong with two men hugging-."

"THERE IS WHEN ONE OF THOSE MEN IS NAKED! PUT ME DOWN, PUT ME DOWN, PUT ME DOWN!" I pleaded at the top of my lungs. He dropped me and then gave me a poke to the nose. I swatted his hand away, as usual. "Jesus Christ, Riley… Weren't you emo just thirty minutes ago?!"

"I was, Diamond, I was. But after I had jumped into those flames, for one reason or another, I remembered how fun life can be! I also realized that I shouldn't try to bury my past anymore because it makes me who I am. Isn't life grand?" He tried to hug me again but I moved out of the way just in time.

"You learned all that by jumping into a fire? And what do you mean 'bury your past'? What happened to you-?"

"That my friend will all become clear sooner or later… Now come on! We're going to Cheryl's room!"

"Wait a minute- YAAAAAAHHHHHH!" I shrieked as he grabbed my wrist and sprinted down the various hallways of the hospitals.

"Ugh… Do we _have_ to run?!" Pearl complained as the others followed suit. We finally stopped at room sixty nine. Hehehe… Cheap laughs all around…

"Shave and a haircut, two bits," Riley sang in tune with his knocking. No one answered at first so he knocked again. "Cheryl? Are you in there? It's me, Riley-."

"Go away Riley!" Cheryl croaked from behind the door. From the sound of her voice it was obvious that she was crying not too long ago. But this didn't wipe the grin off of Riley's face.

"Aww, don't be like that baby-."

"Don't 'baby' me! Just- Just go make love to that tramp, Cynthia and leave me alone already…"

"Cheryl, she tricked me into kissing her, it wasn't my fault-."

"Don't lie to me! A hero and a champion… It makes a perfect couple! After all, what would someone like you see in a lonely, desperate girl like me anyway? You can have any woman you want… So what're you waiting for? Go ahead. Have your fun while you pretend we have anything in common…"

"… You're wrong Cheryl. I'm no hero and I'm not in love with Cynthia anymore. I don't even deserve someone like you-."

"Damn it! Stop lying to me Riley!"

"This is gonna take a while… You guys want to rent a hotel room or something?" I asked the others. Everyone (who hadn't already fallen asleep already) nodded and tried to leave but Riley threw his arm out to stop us.

"You want the truth Cheryl? Fine. I'll tell you everything that I've been hiding from you. You guys will probably want to hear this too…" I sighed and took a seat next to Dawn and Pearl on the floor. "Good. Cheryl, this is gonna be pretty long so please bear with me and don't interrupt. Okay, here goes…"

"The reason why Cynthia and I will _never_ get back together is simple: …She killed my little sister… We both did…" Anyone that had already fallen asleep had woken up as soon as he said that. I couldn't believe it myself. Riley, a murderer? I replayed it in my head several more times but it made less sense every single time.

"K-Killed?" Cheryl asked meekly, just as shocked as all of us.

"Yes. Killed… She was my little sister Valerie. Our parents died from a terminal illness when I was ten so we were all alone for a while. Byron, out of the goodness of his heart, let us move into his gym and let me earn our stay by doing chores around the gym. It was a quiet, happy life- for a while. When I got older, all I wanted to do was to leave that place and see the world. I was bored of Byron, Valerie and the gym. I would have given anything to escape them altogether and my chance came when Cynthia walked into the gym to battle Byron one day…"

"It was love at first sight. I admired her for her beauty, her skillfulness, her talent, her grace- she was everything I wasn't. I'm still not sure what she saw in that poor, nameless kid back then but I knew that the feeling was mutual. Byron saw it too and felt like there was nothing he could do to tame my restless spirit. So he let me accompany Cynthia on her journey, despite the fact that I didn't own a single pokemon. Cynthia and I then left Canalave, leaving Valerie all alone at the gym. I, of course, didn't mind it very much. After all, she always had little Roark to keep her company…"

"The journey started out well but got worse over its course. Cynthia had extremely expensive tastes; insisting that we sleep in fancy hotels instead of the wilderness, always pleading with me to buy her expensive jewelry and top grade trainer items. I was so blinded by my love for her that I never refused. But in order to satisfy her, I had to do things to this day I'm not proud of. I mugged people down, I stole, I beat people until they couldn't move, I sold drugs, I killed, I even joined mafia wars… Just for a couple of kisses and a few trips to fourth base…"

"… Throughout it all, Valerie called me constantly, asking things like 'Big brother where are you? Big brother when are you coming home? Big brother, I miss you. Can I come with you?' I tended to ignore her pleas and continued down my path of destruction. Eventually Cynthia obtained all eight badges and soon we were tearing straight through Victory Road and the Elite Four. There was nothing stopping us… Or so we thought…"

"…The same illness that killed my parents became active in Valerie after being dormant for most of her life. She only had a few days to live if she didn't have a heart surgery immediately. Meanwhile, Cynthia was fighting down the former champion, Palmer. The match ended in a draw and the winner was to be chosen by a panel of judges. We knew that the judges would be swayed by a hefty bribe and it just so happened that we had a small fortune in ill gotten cash… I was left with an ultimatum. Should I use the money to save the life of Valerie, the only family I had left or fulfill the dream of Cynthia, the love of my life? Noticing my frustration, Cynthia told me that if I gave her the money, she would use her power as Champion to give Valerie enough money to have twenty heart surgeries. How could I resist a proposal like that? Like an idiot I gave it to her…"

Riley paused for a moment. He pulled his hat down over his eyes so we wouldn't see the tears that formed in them. His body shook as he tried to control his sobbing. With a cracking and a shaky voice, he continued with his story.

"… Cynthia was made champion immediately. When I came to her to get the money, all I found was a note saying that she already left the country to go to the Hoenn region… Valerie died that same day… She died of a broken heart… And it was all my fault…" He sighed heavily, clutching at his own heart.

"… I couldn't face Byron after that… I was left with no family, no lover, no friends, no home, nothing… I wandered the streets for weeks like a ghost. A ghost with nothing. No substance, no purpose… All I had was my own guilt and somber memories. I lied in alleys for hours; letting all sorts of vermin climb on top of me as I thought silently in my half dead state. Every day, I wanted to kill myself more and more, just to end the pain…"

"… 'Come on, do it. It won't even hurt. Just step in front of traffic… Stab yourself with a mirror shard... Put a hair into a syringe and inject yourself with it… You'll be with your family again…' Was what I constantly told myself but I never had the guts to finish myself off…"

"And on one cold winter night when I was wondering through the snowy streets, I saw a Riolu staggering through the snow towards me. I was taken aback. It had the same look of emptiness in its eyes as mine. I could tell at first sight that we both shared a terrible past and no longer had a purpose in life as we wandered aimlessly through the dark world… I took the Riolu by the hand and sheltered it from the cold behind a dumpster. Grateful that I saved it from the cold, the Riolu stayed with me from that point on. I told it of my past and it told me its own using telepathy. We lived together, we ate together, we laughed together, we slept together… Hell, we even peed together… We decided that we would redeem our horrid pasts together from that point on. We began saving people from criminals, saving pokemon in danger, fighting anyone that stood in the way of another person's happiness… I suppose that's why people think I'm a hero but I never saved anyone because it was the right thing to do. I just felt that it would redeem my past sins…"

"Eight years later and I've seemed to have made a name for myself as one of the strongest trainers around. I was presented with rewards and accolades but I turned them all down; I knew I didn't deserve them… Even after all this time, I still didn't feel satisfied. I knew deep down in my heart that I can never redeem myself fully until I defeated the cause of my pain: Cynthia. So when I heard Cynthia was back in the country and participating in a small tournament called 'The Diamond and Pearl Beach Tournament' I signed up immediately."

Pearl and I gaped at each other for a moment. The only reason Riley joined the tournament was to try and defeat Cynthia? So… How come he didn't do it? Why did he leave it for me instead?

"I had the chance to fight her during the semifinal round but I didn't take the opportunity. Why? Because I noticed Diamond and Pearl here… I was astonished by how much they reminded me of my younger self… Pearl was the part of me that was addicted to sex AND money. I didn't worry about him as much as Diamond though; he seemed pretty harmless to me (Pearl: Screw you!). But Diamond… He represented the old me the most. He was the part of me that was addicted to power… Bored with his home and where he came from, angry at the world around him, apathetic to both people and pokemon… I had to change his ways before he ended up killing someone very important to him like I did…"

I felt everyone's gaze shift to me but I tried my best not to look into anyone's eyes. My stomach churned at the thought of me killing someone… Riley… I never- never ever, would have believed that such a simple guy could hide so much from me… And could that really be the only he chose me? Because he thought I'd kill somebody? Because he saw himself in me? I never felt so cold before… Dawn suddenly put her arm around my shoulders. I turned to look at her, she was crying (along with almost everyone else in the room) and I couldn't really blame her…

"So what's the point of telling you all this Cheryl?… I merely wanted to repeat and prove what Diamond told me a few hours ago to you and myself. I'm not a god. I'm not a hero. I'm just a man. I wonder if I can really call myself a man after all the shit that I've done… I must be the lowest form of scum in existence… I don't deserve anyone's pity, praise, affection or love; especially not from someone as selfless as you Cheryl…" He knocked on her door one final time. "Cheryl? … If you still want me to go I will… Cheryl?" He asked. Cheryl didn't respond. He sighed to himself and turned to leave. "Okay then…"

"Wait!" Cheryl shouted as she slammed her door open and ran after him. She flung her arms around his chest as he turned to face her.

"Ouch! Easy, Cheryl. I still have a couple of broken ribs," he said with a wince.

"D-Damn it! I j-just can't stay mad at you…" She croaked through her tears. Riley smiled and stroked his hand through her evergreen hair as she continued to stain his bandages with her tears.

"It's alright, it's alright… So… Can you forgive me Cheryl?"

"O-O-Of course…"

"Good… I love you Cheryl…"

"I love you too… Um… Riley?"

"Yes?"

"Why are you naked?"

"Er… No reason…"

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyzABCDEFGHIJK(The stupid site keeps erasing my usual line... -.-)

Wow. This has officially replaced The Origin of Jack as longest chapter in the entire story. The word count is almost 10,000 and it sets the entire story at over 100,000 words; making it the longest thing story I've ever written... WOOT! FUCKING SWEET! WE'VE REACHED ANOTHER MILESTONE! HOLY FUCKING YAYNESS BAGELS! Okay, I'm calm again... Anyway-

Riley: Sniffle... That was such a sad backstory...

Jack: I know how you feel man... RTJ loves to see us suffer...

Damn straight. Anyway, I've decided to name the arcs in the story. Why? Because I can! They are as follows-

Arc 1: Chapters 1-4- Let the Punching and Humping Begin

Arc 2: Chapters 5-13-Welcome to Diamond and Pearl Beach

Arc 3: Chapters 14-16- Prison Rape

Arc 4: Chapters 17-30- The Rescue Dawn Arc

Arc 5: Chapters 31-48- Worst. Day. Ever

And I'm pleased to announce that out next arc will be called the 'Warzone in Veilstone' Arc. However, there's a tad complication with me starting it. You see, vcr101 has been kind enough to submit the very first character submission the other day. The new character is set to debut in the next arc but there's a reason why I can't add her yet... I don't know what she looks like. Vcr101 sent me a link for a drawing of the character but my stupid computer can't open it (HEADDESK -.-). I tried to contact vcr101 so he/she can tell me what the character looks like but he/she hasn't responded (Again, HEADDESK). So if you're reading this vcr101, could you give me the description or another link in a review because I really don't trust this pming stuff. I hope you do it soon because the next arc can't get started until you either tell me what the character looks like OR I will replace the character with someone else's OR I get bored of waiting for you people to answer and continue without one of your OC's. I really don't want to replace vcr101 sent me because I thought she was simply adorable (the character I mean) so _**PLEASE**_ respond soon. Bye people! Ugh... I need some sleep...

-RTJ


	49. Side Story 8: Character Submission Guide

Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"Welcome one and all to the Diamond Fists Character Submission Guide!" Diamond greeted. He and Pearl were lounging around in his room, just like in the 10000 hits special that never really was… Anyway, he, Pearl and I, the magnificent RTJ, will be explaining to you wonderful fans out there how to submit a character that will be guaranteed entry into the story. Now here are your distinguished hosts, Diamond and Pearl!

(Applause starts going off from nowhere)

"What the hell? Holy shit, are there people watching us? Come out you cowards!" Diamond yelled brandishing a lamp over his head.

"Calm down Diamond! I made the applause!" I told him (using my godly, omnipotent voice of course)

"Well don't do that! It's creepy!"

"Fine… Pussy…"

"I heard that!"

"Enough already!" Pearl said impatiently. "Let's get this show on the road so I can go back to smoking weed!"

"Fine, fine. Okay, we're here to explain the difference between the terms 'bricks' and 'sticks'. We use these to describe the types of characters submitted," Diamond said.

"A 'stick' is a character where you only tell us about their personalities and pokemon but don't give any physical description of a character," Pearl explained. "That's why we couldn't use the character vcr101 sent us because we weren't given a description. All we got was a link to a picture of the character but as we all know, RTJ's stupid computer refuses to open links from emails (-.-)."

"We also would have considered the character Lord Pyro sent us a stick because the link he sent us wouldn't open. But luckily, RTJ found the picture of the character on deviant art instead. That, and the fact that he likes the character submitted guarantees an entry to the story. Let's here it for the newest Diamond Fists character… Emmy Cross!"

(Applause goes off again)

"Damn it! Stop that!" Diamond shouted. Pearl got up from his seat and opened the nearby closet; making Emmy fall out of it.

"Why the hell did you bastards lock me in the closet?!" She screamed. Diamond and Pearl shrugged and helped her back to her feet.

"Don't be such a sour puss Emmy. You've just won your way into becoming the first fan-made character in Diamond Fists!"

"Uh… Cool. Um… What do I win?"

"Nothing! Now get the hell out of my house you fucking trespasser!" Diamond yelled pushing her out of his room.

"Wait a minute! You guys _forced_ me to come here-." She was cut off by Diamond slamming the door in her face.

"Ok… Now that that's over, lets move on to bricks," Pearl said.

"Bricks are the opposite of sticks because they're characters that are given a detailed physical description but they aren't given any personality traits. They're called bricks because, well, they have as much personality as a brick."

"For that reason, we can not accept the character that doomdragonknight sent us because you didn't tell us anything about his personality. However, we're willing to reconsider if you give us a detailed personality description. So, in short… WE CAN'T GO ON ADVENTURES WITH A SACK OF BRICKS!" Pearl shrieked as he tossed a brick into Diamond's window; making it explode on contact.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?! AND WHERE'D YOU GET THE BRICK FROM?!"

"Hello? The Lustrous Orb gives me the power to materialize stuff remember? I can't control it though…"

"That brings us to our next point. Powers. Do _**NOT **_send us characters with any sort of special powers. Last time I checked, Pearl is the only character in this story with any sort of special power. But they're stupid powers anyway-."

"What?!"

"You heard me. All you've got is that power of sexiness garbage-."

"Which is the ultimate power in the universe!"

"Yeah right… All you can do is put on some sunglasses, a cape, spike your hair up a little and call yourself Orgy Homicide…"

"The mostest badass superhero ever! And you can't deny my powers over the Lustrous Orb!"

"That power's stupid too! All you can do is materialize gag items for comic relief. Last time I checked, you can't take over the world by making a turkey sandwich appear out of nowhere!"

"…You can if you try hard enough…" Pearl sulked taking a bite out of the turkey sandwich that just appeared in his hand.

"Anyway, now its time to explain pokemon. Please try not to use pokemon or the evolved forms of pokemon that we already have. If you can't remember all of them then look up top, they're up there for a reason people. It's alright if you use at least _one_ of the pokemon we already have but you have to give them a distinct personality that makes it different than any other in its species. For example, Pearl's Humpy. It is a faggot-." Pearl spat out his turkey sandwich onto me out of shock. "Disgusting…"

"What do you mean Humpy's a faggot?!"

"Dude. It's always humping your leg."

"So? What's wrong with-?"

"You're a _guy_ Pearl. Plus, it has humped Riley's leg, Jack's leg, Cyrus', Saturn's, Roark's, hell, he even humped _my_ leg!"

"That just shows that Humpy likes you guys… Wait let me rephrase that-."

"Pearl. It's a faggot, end of story. Moving on-."

"You're a faggot!"

"You're a fag!"

"You're a fag!"

"You're a fag!"

"You're a fag!"

"You're a fag!"

"You're a llama!"

"You're a- Wait. What?"

"While they're busy proving how mature they are… (D and P: Hey!) Let me explain the final part to this whole character submission thing." I said. "I'd really like to have a separate email address strictly for character submissions but I can't remember passwords to save my life. So continue to send characters by pming me or leaving the submissions in reviews. On a completely different note, starting next Monday when I go back to school, my Mom says that she'll be disconnecting the computer during the week from now on… Why? Because I got a fucking D on my report card (fuck you geometry -.-). She's given me that threat in the past but I think she means it this time so next week is kind of sketchy… Anyway, it's never too late to submit characters. I love you all (in a non homosexual way of course for you guys out there) for reviewing and loving this story so much. I'll see you around! And remember; Bricks and sticks may break our dicks but well thought out and descriptive characters will never hurt thee.

-RTJ


	50. Hazard Park part 1

Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Happiny

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"Veilstone City! Home of the California Roll, high roller gambling, drag racers and queens, Mount Vesuvius, vernacular literature, and the Russian Revolution!" Pearl said excitedly. Following on the lead Cynthia slipped out yesterday, we used Riley's Gallade to teleport us there. Speaking of Riley, he and Cheryl decided to stay in Canalave City. They said they needed a vacation and some time away from us. After seeing all that they've been through lately, we didn't argue with their decision. Marley, on the other hand stayed in Canalave so she could continue studying at Canalave University. She, and I quote, said "If you pricks try and get me to come with you, you've getting a face full of string cheese and ass full of lead!" Anyway, Riley lent us his Gallade to teleport us there and Cheryl lent Dawn a Happiny just in case we need a healing. I was a little worried this time around because this will be the first time we've fought without someone older to help us out but it didn't look like the others shared my worries…

"Shut up Pearl…" I said sourly before Gallade teleported itself back to Riley. I took a quick look around. The buildings weren't all that different from the ones in Canalave except for the fact that most of them were precariously placed on high rocky ridges that jutted out from the surrounding mountains. The entire city itself as a whole was built over a valley.

"You shut up prick!"

"Bitch!"

"Pussy!"

"Skank biscuit!"

"I don't sweat, you name the time and the place and I'll kick your ass to the curb! I'll cut you up nigga!"

"Wow, you've got an impressive resume now. Now you're officially an idiot, pervert, sexist, legally retarded, ex-criminal and now you've added _poser_ to the list! You must be so proud!" I said sarcastically.

"Guys! Can you _please_ stop fighting for once?" Dawn asked. "I really hate it when you guys fight like that…" She said dolefully. Pearl and I looked at her then at each other.

"Fine. We're sorry Dawn," I said.

"We are?" Pearl asked. I elbowed him in the ribs. "I mean of course we are!"

"See ya later dudes!" Alex said. He and Alistair had loaded their equipment and themselves onto Terra's back.

"Where are you guys going?"

"Dude, are you stupid?" Alistair asked. "Everyone knows that Veilstone City is also home to-."

"The National Nudist Association of Sinnoh?" Pearl interrupted.

"No! It's home to the world renowned 'Hot Guy Sex' Studios! They're world famous music producers. They've put out kick ass artists and bands like 'Sexy McGee, The Butt Busters, The Gay Sex Patrol, Hot Bondage Sex Over Your Mother's Grave, Rick 'Ass Master' James and the Skeet-Skeet-Skeeters, the Meat Beater of Destiny, and last but not least… Sodomize my Ass and Make me a Salty White Moustache!"

"Eww…" I groaned. "So what's your point Alistair?"

"His point is that we want to sign up with them so they can turn Zeus on the Guitar Strings into a worldwide phenomenon! I can see it now… We'll have our names up in lights, sell-out concerts, worldwide tours, TV shows, toy deals, multi-billion dollar contracts, our names etched into the walk of fame…" Alex drooled hungrily at the very thought.

"Basically, we'll be just like Hannah Montana, only we'll be more hardcore and actually have talent," Alistair finished. "HI HO TERRA! AWAY!" He shouted. Terra reared back onto its hind legs and roared before coming down and charging down the street.

"I hope they make it," Dawn said.

"Me too," Pearl agreed. "But lets face it. They don't have a snowball's chance in hell…"

"Nope… We should probably go looking for Team Galactic and-."

"Ah chill out Dia! We have plenty of time to look for them!" Pearl said enthusiastically. He grabbed Dawn and me by the arms and led us further into town. "So for now lets go enjoy ourselves!"

"Hehe… You guys looking for a good time? How _hazardous…_" A high pitched and girly voice hissed behind us. We spun on the spot to find two female clowns casually walking over to us. The one closest to us was wearing a jester's hat whose tips stretched down to her nears. Instead of bells there were small silver stars and moons hanging from the tips. The jester's hat only partially covered her flyaway crimson hair. The other one was standing on a pair of six foot high stilts. She was wearing a much shorter jester's hat, whitish-purple hair and a sour expression. Both of them had identical blue and white clown suits and bright red tears painted under their left eyes. Pearl bent over to whisper in my ear.

"I think they're hookers. I call dibs on the cute jester. You can have the irritated looking one on the stilts," he whispered.

"Damn it Pearl! They're not hookers!" I whispered back. The jester came over to us and pinched Pearl's left cheek.

"Well, well, well. Looks like we've got a cute one Ju-Ju! And the other boy and girl are just as adorable! Most of the other trainers we invite are utter barbarians!"

"Invite?" Dawn asked.

"Ooh that's right! We didn't give them a flyer yet, did we Ju-Ju?" She asked her companion on the stilts. Ju-Ju pulled three papers out of her sleeve and let them float down to us. I snatched one out of the air and read the title out loud.

"Welcome to Hazard Park? What's that?" I asked. The jester suddenly did a backflip in the air that ended in a split. Pearl, Dawn and a few other people in the area clapped for her.

"I'm glad you asked me that little boy! Ol' Momo-that's me-just _loves_ to talk about Hazard Park! It's her favorite place in the world, it is! Hazard Park is essentially an amusement park but it is so much more than that at the same time," she said enthusiastically. "What makes it so unique is that every day we let a select number of pokemon trainers have the entire park to themselves. But they won't be there for the rides. Oh no, they'll be there to do battle with and capture the specialized Hazard Pokemon we release into the park. Only the strongest, noblest, quickest, and smartest trainers can overcome the odds and capture a Hazard Pokemon," she explained. When she was done, she clapped a few times before cart wheeling around the three of us in a circle.

"But what _is_ a Hazard Pokemon exactly?" Dawn asked, trying to keep up with Momo's cart wheeling. Momo stopped in a handstand position and tickled Dawn's nose with the end of one of her jester's shoes.

"That, my poppet, will be answered only if you follow us to Hazard Park," she said giddily.

"Hmm… Give us a sec," I said. I pulled them both into a group huddle. "What do you think you guys?"

"I say we check it out! I want to see what a Hazard Pokemon is!" Pearl said, now just as giddy as Momo.

"My parents and Grandpa Rowan haven't let me go to an amusement park since I was seven. I'd love it if we can visit it at least once!" Dawn said excitedly. They both looked so happy… Who was I to stand in their way?

"I guess we have a _little_ time to kill before we go look for Team Galactic and Cynthia… Besides, it might be fun-." I was interrupted by Dawn throwing her arms around my neck and pulling into a tight hug.

"Oh thank you Diamond! You don't know how much this means to me!"

"Uh… Don't sweat it. Now can you let go of me? It's getting harder to breathe…" She let go of me and turned back to Momo and Ju-Ju.

"We'd love to come with you to Hazard Park!" She declared. Momo clicked her heels together merrily and cart wheeled around us one more time.

"Excellent answer my lovelies! Follow us!" She beckoned. We, along with a few interested people that were in the vicinity, found ourselves sprinting after the jesters. No matter how hard we ran we couldn't catch up to them. Momo was hopping, skipping, cart wheeling and flipping every step of the way while the silent Ju-Ju stalked past on her stilts. They led us through the gates south of Veilstone and into the grasslands that surrounded Veilstone.

"Momo? Are we almost there…?" Pearl asked. We had been running for about half an hour and still haven't found it. What would an amusement park be doing in a meadow anyway?

"Almost there sweetie! Just over this hill!" She answered back. They stopped at the top of the hill for us to catch up and catch our breath. "There it is…"

"Oh my God…" Pearl and I uttered simultaneously. This place was easily three times the size of Twinleaf Town. The rides were also multiplied their normal sizes. Roller coaster tracks twisted and turned around the other rides and extended high up into the clouds. Every single ride and facility in the park also had a large biohazard symbol on their fronts. The entire park was fenced off by large fifteen feet tall fences. In front of the park's entrance was a massive crowd of trainers and their pokemon. A stage with four large boxes covered in black sheets was erected between the crowd and the entrance; blocking their way in.

"Wow…" Dawn marveled. "Oh, when can we go in Momo?" Momo smirked and pulled off her massive jester's hat. It was filled almost to the brim with tiny notes with peoples' names on them.

"Be patient dearie. I did say that the park doesn't open until the Hazard battles are over. If you would all please write your names on a slip of paper we could get this started much faster." She pulled three more slips of paper and a pen out of her jumpsuit and handed it to us.

"What are these for?" I asked taking the pen and a slip from her.

"The trainers chosen for the Hazard battles are chosen at random. Just put your names in my duckies." After tossing our slips into the hat, Momo cart wheeled down the hill and back flipped onto the stage. We integrated ourselves into the hill and tried to pick spots so we could see the gist of what was going on.

"Hello trainers!" Momo greeted through a large multicolor megaphone. "How are you all doing this hazardous afternoon? Me? I'm doing fine!" Momo said causing a victorious uproar erupt through the crowd. "Alright, before we begin, we've got explain a couple things to you noobs out there! Some of you may be asking yourselves… What in the world _is _a Hazard pokemon?"

"A Hazard pokemon is like no other because each Hazard pokemon is at least five times stronger than any other pokemon of their species," she explained. She pulled the black sheet off of the tall rectangular object next to her. It revealed itself to be a large glass box holding a very distraught looking Cranidos at the bottom.

"That's a really big cage just to hold a Cranidos in, don't you think?" I asked Pearl.

"Dude shut up! I'm trying to listen!" He hissed. Momo pulled the sheets off of the other boxes to reveal identical cages holding a Skorupi, Aron and a male Nidoran.

"I know they don't look like much now but that's only because they haven't gone through what's called 'The Hazard Evolution'. You see, in order to make a Hazard pokemon you need to force the pokemon into evolving straight into their final evolutionary stage; completely jumping over any intermediate stages. Most would consider this detrimental to the pokemon's health but I'm sure most of you would agree that the strength boosts are worth it. Am I right?" Nearly everyone in the crowd except Dawn and I cheered at this. This seemed way too suspicious…

"But strength boosts aren't all that Hazard pokemon have to offer. You see, one of the most obvious problems a trainer faces in a battle is that they need to shout orders to their pokemon; completely obliterating the art of stealth. I mean, come on, why should you show your opponent your weapons? Well, Hazard pokemon obviate the need for pointless shouting. How, you ask? Well, once a Hazard pokemon is captured it makes a psychic connection with its trainer and its trainer alone; even if it doesn't have any psychic powers to speak of!"

"Strength and stealth… What could be the downside to these wonderful pokemon? Well… Hazard pokemon have the tendency to go on _extremely_ destructive rampages when not handled by talented trainers. Hence why we give trainers a massive park to try and capture these pokemon. So my hazardous little poppets… Who among you thinks they can handle this awesome power?" The crowd gave its loudest cheer yet as hundreds of confident trainers called out to Momo.

"I think we've let them wait long enough… Ju-Ju! Pull the lever! It's time for Hazard Evolution!" Ju-Ju got down from her stilts and turned a lever placed in the back of the stage. Green gas began to flow into the cages from vents placed under the poor pokemon's feet. The four pokemon shrieked and I saw their silhouettes writhe in pain as they were encompassed by the toxic gas. After the gas had completely obscured the four small pokemon from view, the whole crowd fell silent as their screams echoed through the air. The screams were eventually replaced by the most savage roars of fury I've ever heard…

The four small pokemon had turn into brutal beasts… The gas dissipated so we could see them clearly now. Where a cute little Nidoran once stood was filled with a primeval Nidoking. The Nidoking's horns and spikes were longer than most others and was slashing furiously at the cage but didn't lay a scratch. Next to it was an Aggron. It was using a combination of Focus Punch and Iron Tail attacks to try and escape but to no avail. The Drapion that stood in the cage next to it wasn't faring any better. It was trying to rip open its cage with its pincers. Its head spun 180 degrees back and forth as it furiously tried to rip open the cage from every angle. And last but not least was the Rampardos…

It seemed to have gotten the worst out of that Hazard Evolution crap. Its eyes were bloodshot and it was roaring and spitting the most and the loudest out of all of them. It was attacking the cage with everything it- headbutts, punches, clawing, kicking, tail slamming, biting. It looked ready to kill just about every one of us and something told me that it probably could…

"Alright. Now that you've all become acquainted with today's combatants, lets pick the lucky (I wouldn't have said lucky…) trainers who get to fight and capture these big bad nasties… All that are chosen must bring only two of their most trustworthy pokemon with them. All of the trainers will be paired together with a pokemon but you won't exactly be helping each other out. It is legal to attack your partner if they're getting in the way of your capture… Speaking of capturing, you can use any type of pokeball to capture them but it is recommended to use one of the four Hazard balls that are hidden throughout the park-."

"That's enough blabbering Momo," Ju-Ju said; speaking for the very first time.

"Quite right, dearie, quite right. Well, let's see who gets to fight the beasties today!" She said merrily as she swiped the hat off of her again. She unexpectedly flipped in the air and dove headfirst into the sea of papers.

"She's so energetic!" Dawn said to me. I didn't get why no one else thought this place was suspicious. Weird clowns, freakish pokemon, a park that no one's ever heard of before… The whole thing reeked of evil plot to me but no one else seemed to be thinking the same way. Pearl had climbed on top of a muscular trainer's back and roused the crowd into chanting…

"HAZARD! HAZARD! HAZARD! HAZARD!" He shouted. The other people in the crowd merrily joined in. Momo flipped out of the hat carrying a bunch of slips in her fist.

"We have us some winners!" She shouted as she cart wheeled over to the Nidoking's cage. "The two trainers who will be facing this nasty among nasties… Emmaline Cross and Vivi!" I couldn't really see what they looked like from this angle but I could tell that the smaller one was riding on top of her Empoleon's head. The other one stared blankly at the Nidoking as it clawed at them from behind the glass. The smaller one climbed down and tapped Nidoking's cage.

"Ooh… Hi Nidoking! My name's Vivi and I'm gonna catch you soon and feed you tacos! Pepe, say hi!" She told her Empoleon. It smiled and tried to make what I presumed to be a thumbs up but couldn't quite do it right (it only has three claws you see). The Nidoking roared at them; causing them both to jump back out of shock.

"Alrighty… The pair that will be taking on the Hazard Aggron is… Edward Lewis and Dawn Rowan!" Dawn shuddered. Her eyes opened up wide out of shock and her mouth was agape. I waved my hand in front of her face. She didn't even blink…

"Dawn. Dawn! Dawn snap out of it!" I said. She shivered again and made her way nervously through the crowd. When she had taken her place next to the Aggron's, her partner Ed Lewis screamed and took his place six feet behind her. That was weird…

"Hmm… Since Drapion can attack from any angle, I think it would be fair (and more interesting) if we paired it off with three people instead of two. The three lucky winners are… Ivan Hierro, Lucirce Cellion and um…" She said with a giggle. "Am I reading this right? Hehe… Would Pearl McDoo-Doo-Butt St. Clair please take his place up here?" Needless to say, the crowd doubled over from laughter. Pearl smacked himself in the forehead and climbed off of the muscular man's shoulders.

"Damn it! Why the hell did I put my full name on that crap?!" He shouted to himself as he took his place next to the Drapion's cage.

"And lastly, we have this sweetie right here," Momo said as she tapped the Rampardos' cage. The Rampardos went even more ballistic and rammed its head even harder into the cage; making the ground shake with each blow. "What a firecracker we've got here… The final challengers will be Lilly Price and…"

"Please not me, please not me, please not me…" I said under my breath.

"Diamond Bartholomew Barbarossa!"

"Damn it! I swear to God, one of these days this story's gonna make me bust a testicle…"

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ

Woot! Fiftieth chapter! Yet another milestone! As you can see, all of the characters I accepted have been integrated in. I didn't really reject any of them except at least two. Those two are the characters sent to me by doomdragonknight and gordy. Doom, I would have used your character but you _still_ didn't give me enough of a personality to work with. Gordy, your character is what is called a 'kick'. A kick is a character sent to me that doesn't have a personality _or_ a physical description (I call them kicks because they make me want to kick people in the head). On top of those two, I couldn't use the characters sent to me by Tyrannosaurus Cerato, Yozoro Kitsune and Kdean8. I would have gladly integrated the first two in this chapter but I had already written up most of the chapter by the time I got your reviews and I didn't feel like rewriting the entire chapter. Maybe I'll add them later. I won't use the character sent in by Kdean8 because I need more of a personality description and she has at least four of the same pokemon that some of the characters have/will have. Now on to my thoughts for the accepted characters.

Vivi: She's adorable, and like I said before, I had to change her name from VV to Vivi because VV looks to much like a W to me. Other then that, she's golden.

Emmy: I like her overall but you're gonna have to help me with her personality because I'm not really sure how's she's going to handle the situations she and the others get into.

Edward Lewis: ... I love this one! A character with a fear of women... that's so friggin' clever! I can't wait to torture him with the amount of girls that have just been added to the story.

Ivan Hierro: Love him because of the backstory you sent me and his personality. Every story needs an arrogant little bastard (term of endearment) and he's just the one to fill that role.

Lucirce Cellion: A devilish girl with a fetish for blowing things up and admires Cynthia... Love it! I can't wait until she starts beating up on Pearl and Ivan because they both have that 'cocky-holier-than-thou' attitude.

And lastly, Lilly: A fear of fire in a world where things get set on fire and blown up (by Pearl and Lucirce) daily... Love it! Oh man, Punchy's gone have a field day when he meets her...

Okay, so with that said, the character submission window is _**CLOSED**_... for now. I may resurrect it later on in the story but for now, NO MORE character submissions. And next time I won't be so lenient when picking characters. It's gonna be a headache trying to figure out how to work with all these characters but don't worry. You know me, I'll figure out a way to keep this fic as funny as it always has been even though we're heading into a much darker arc. And again, I love you all (in a non-homosexual way of course).

-RTJ


	51. Hazard Park part 2

Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Happiny

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"Wooh! What did you think of that display of hardcore rocking Mr. Spooge-drinker?" Alistair asked the producer that he, Alex, Virtuoso and Fiona were auditioning to.

"Don't be upset if your ears just spooged. Our music often does that to people," Alex said.

"Hmm… You boys are good. Very good…" Mr. Spooge-Drinker said. "I'll sign you guys to the Hot Guy Sex record label-."

"YES!" The boys exclaimed.

"We're finally gonna be rock stars!" Alistair said.

"Better than that dude! We're gonna be 'rock-out-with-your-cock-out' rock stars!"

"Boys! Calm down! As I was trying to say… I'll sign you guys to the Hot Guy Sex record label… If you put on this bondage gear and let me fuck you into next Tuesday."

"Um… Come again?"

"You heard me bitch. Bend over so I can violate your anuses!"

"Fuck no dude!"

"Hmph! Fine! If you don't have sex with me, not only will I not let you into Hot Guy Sex records, I'll sick the boogeyman of the music industry on you. It can ruin anyone's musical soul!"

"What is it? TRL?" Alistair asked.

"Regina Spektor?" Alex suggested.

"Even worse… A PARTNERSHIP WITH DISNEY MUSIC GROUP!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! RUN FOR IT!"

Meanwhile…

"I don't like this one bit…" I said. Pearl, Dawn and I walked behind our 'partners' as Momo led us through the front gates and further into the park. Dawn had fallen silent after seeing that Aggron yet Pearl looked like he was about to explode from excitement.

"Oh here we go," Pearl said rolling his eyes at me. "Here you come with your negative Nancy attitude again. Why do you always have to kill my joy-gasms Diamond?"

"First of all, what the fuck's a joy-gasm? Second, did you not see what they just did to those pokemon?"

"A joy-gasm is an orgasm caused by extreme happiness rather than sexual stimulation. And yes I saw what they did to those pokemon. They made them badass. So what?"

"So what?! It's inhumane Pearl!"

"Well, of course it's inhumane Diamond! They're _pokemon_, not humans."

"Damn it Pearl! You know what I mean!"

"Then you should have said inpokemane or something!"

"Damn it Pearl! Don't you think this is a _tad_ strange? Don't you think that it's strange for _clowns _to have access to the technology necessary to pump evolution roids into pokemon? Or that no one's ever heard of this place before? Or that there are biohazard signs everywhere?"

"Nope. Nothing strange about that." I was about ready to maul him to death…

"...Are you sure you weren't born with an extra chromosome Pearl…?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"We're here my lovelies!" Momo shouted merrily. "Please divide into your pre-designated teams and release the two pokemon you'll be using," Momo instructed. Pearl and Dawn left my sides to join their partners. My partner (I think her name is Lily) came towards me looking very cautiously around. She had short black hair and blue eyes. She was wearing white blouse, short red checkered skirt, knee high black socks, and red shoes (completely copied and pasted from the review. I'm lazy XD).

"Um, hi. My name's Lily. Uh… what's yours again?" She asked.

"Diamond," I replied rather bluntly.

"Diamond? That's a weird name to have…" This made me do the 'Diamond Fists patented (not really) look of exasperation' (-.-). "Well I guess if we're gonna be fighting together I might as well introduce you to my pokemon. Their names are Grith, the Growlithe and Jenie, the Marshtomp." She released her Jenie next to her but Grith was released six feet away from her. Most Growlithes I've seen usually rush to lick their trainer's face but Grith stayed put and scratched behind its ear nonchalantly.

"How come he won't come near you?" I asked.

"Hehe…So you've noticed that already. Grith has to stay about six feet away from me or I'll have a panic attack. I have a fear of fire and-." Lily was interrupted by one of my own pokeballs opening up and Punchy coming out of it. When she saw him she backpedaled several feet and her eyes widened out of fright.

(Did I hear correctly? A fear of fire you say? Oh. My. God. This is the coolest thing that's ever happened to me!) Punchy said. I didn't like the smirk etched across its face…

"Punchy? Whatever you're thinking, don't do it," I scolded. He completely ignored me and took a step closer to Lily. "I'm warning you Punchy, don't do it!"

(I'M THE GOLDEN OOZARU BIOTCH!) The recalcitrant chimp shouted gleefully. (Ooga booga booga!) He shouted in Lily's face. Lily shrieked and ran away. Punchy chased after her; cackling like a maniac the entire time. (I'M VULCAN BIZNATCH! FEAR MY FLAMING ASS AND TREMBLE! TREMBLE LIKE THE MORTAL YOU ARE!)

"Punchy! Get back here you little asshole!" I shouted after it. Jenie brushed past me and started to shoot at Punchy with her water gun attack.

(Leave her alone you bastard!) She yelled.

(Make me fat ass!) Punchy retorted. Grith winced as he said that.

(Oh you're in deep doo doo now…)

(STAY HERE AND DIE YOU BASTARD!) She shrieked. She abandoned the water gun attack and took to chasing after Punchy. I became rather annoyed at all this so I released Poopy.

"Poopy! Go save Punchy's ass!"

(Why should I? What has that bastard ever done for me?) He said shaking his head at me.

"Just do it!" It sighed before soaring off of my shoulder and pursuing after them from above. Grith suddenly got up and chased after Poopy as well. "What the fuck now?"

(Bird! Bird! I love birds!) It exclaimed. With no other choice, I groaned and chased after the crew of strange pokemon and trainer…

"Diamond sure knows how to make friends fast…" Pearl thought. He turned back to his partners and grinned toothily. "Wassup? My name's Pearl, AKA Mr. Bitches, AKA Master of the Suspended Congress, AKA the God of Sexiness. Try not to cry when I beat your asses and catch that Drapion for myself." The other boy smirked at him.

"Dream on dude," He sneered. He outstretched his hand which Pearl promptly shook. "The name's Ivan Hierro, resident God of Victory. I'll be catching that Drapion so you two should just stay out of my way," he said. He had silvery hair that almost looked like platinum and slightly tanned skin. He was wearing a yellow fleece jacket with a black T shirt underneath. He was also wearing black pants with yellow stripes going across them. He looked kind of like a large bee to Pearl…

"FORE!" Lucirce shouted at the top of her lungs. Before Ivan knew what hit him, she swung a golf club into his shins.

"HOLY SHIT! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!" He screeched. She ignored him and smacked Pearl on the top of the head with her golf club.

"OW! What the hell did you that for you fucking dike?!" She moved the golf club to his neck as if it was a sword ready to stab him at any moment. (Note: I'm too lazy to give her a description right now so go see jHaxMakoto's review for chapter 49 if you want to see the description. It's a lot better than how I can describe her anyway).

"_I'm _going to catch the Drapion. _You_ guys are gonna do whatever I say and like it. Understand? You will also grovel at my feet like the worthless piles of fuckdew that you are."

"Sorry but I'm no one's bitch. And I especially don't take orders from a girl!" Ivan said back.

"You will when that same girl shoves eleven sticks of dynamite up your ass!" She said pulling out a stick of dynamite from her pocket. Ivan and Pearl gulped.

"Fine you win…" Pearl groaned. Even he knew when he was beat this time...

"Good. Now come with me my monkey slaves. You're going to help me catch that Drapion." Grudgingly, Ivan and Pearl followed Lucirce. They didn't like being someone else's bitches… Once they had left only Dawn, Edward, Emmy and Vivi were left. Edward stood several feet away from Dawn. He was breaking into a cold sweat from his own fear.

"Fuck… They just _had_ to pair me up with such a cute girl… Keep it together Ed. Just remember what Dad said about talking to girls… Pump your face full of Altoids, make sure your fly is zipped up, slap yourself in the face a couple of times and introduce yourself without pissing yourself…" He thought to himself. He retrieved a tin of Altoids out of his pocket. Out of anxiety, he stuffed all of the mints into his mouth at once and started choking.

"Oh my God! He's choking!" Dawn screamed. She quickly released her Turtwig in front of her. "Tackle him in the back Turtwig!" The turtle pokemon circled around him twice to gain momentum and lunged into his back. All of the Altoids popped out of his mouth at once but he was also sent sprawling to the ground.

"_Really_ great first impression Ed. _Really_. She _totally_ doesn't think you're an idiot now…" He thought sarcastically to himself.

"Screw you inner thoughts!" He said out loud as he sat upright. Dawn knelt down beside him and gave him a perplexed look.

"Pardon?"

"Oh n-n-noth-th-thing…" He stammered.

"Are you alright um… Edward? That's your name right?" She was so close to him now… It was taking all of his energy not to have a heart attack, let alone speak. He nodded his head instead. "Good. My name's Dawn. Nice to meet you!" Ed finally lost his cool and backpedaled a few feet away from her and into Emmy's leg.

"Hey watch where you're going!" She said. He backpedaled once more and got back to his feet. Vivi, Emmy and Dawn all stared at him as if he was crazy. "What's your problem anyway?" Ed struggled to say something but was cut off by Momo.

"What are you still doing here my lovelies? Get a move on! The Hazard pokemon won't catch themselves!" She said excitedly.

"She's right! If they could then that would be weird, don't you think?" Vivi asked Emmy.

"Er…" Before she could answer, Vivi grabbed her wrist and led her down one of the paths through the park. Dawn did the same with Ed (he nearly fainted at her touch) and once they were all out of earshot she pulled a Pokegear out of one of the pockets of her jumpsuit.

"Proceed to phase two Ju-Ju."

"Damn it! Stop calling me that Mars!"

"Don't get your panties in a bunch Jupiter…"

Meanwhile…

"Fucking idiots…" I grunted with a scowl. I ended up chasing Lily, Punchy, Jenie, Poopy and Grith to the base of Hazard Park's Ferris Wheel. They ended up running in circles around the same spot. It was like a furry, feathery, flaming, circular, screaming conga line… I sighed and sat down next to the electric signpost in front of the Ferris wheel. Instead of a regular sign head there was a computer screen with bright red words etched across it.

"Welcome to the Hazard Wheel. The colossal, two hundred foot Ferris Wheel that can seat up to a thousand people…" I read the sign out loud. I stared up in awe at the monstrously big ride. The steel beams that connected and supported the dozens of carriages crisscrossed through the interior of the wheel; creating intricate diamond-like patterns throughout it. At the very center was a large many pointed star. In the star's own center was a large black biohazard symbol a small circular object in the center of that as well…

"What is this thing?" A gruff voice asked from behind me. I turned around and jumped back when I found Darkrai ascending out of my shadow. I almost forgot that he was still in there… "Sorry if I scared you. I have that effect on most people…"

"No problem…" I looked over my shoulder. Lily was too busy running away from Punchy to notice Darkrai. Darkrai cocked (what I believed to be, I can't really tell) an eyebrow at her.

"Who is that? And what is she doing-?"

"Don't ask… Anyway, this is a Ferris Wheel," I told him.

"But what is it? Is it an enemy? A monster? A weapon? Should I kill it before it kills us?" I noticed a few loose bolts of electricity were building up in Darkrai's fists.

"What? No! It's a machine that people ride in!"

"How come? Do they need it to go places?"

"No no no. You're thinking of cars. Okay, you see those metal boxes hanging on it? People get inside of them and the wheel starts spinning in place."

"What's the point of that?"

"I don't know. It's just fun I guess. Some people even say it's romantic…" I said. "_I wonder if Dawn would like to go on this thing with me later_…" I thought. "_Wait a minute. Where did **that** idea come from? That was weird..._" Darkrai crossed its arms and stared up at the gargantuan wheel angrily.

"I still don't get what's the point of that thing. And I still don't trust it…"

"You're not supposed to _get_ it, just enjoy it. And what's there to distrust about it? It's completely inanimate when there's no electricity going through it. And even when it's moving it's not like it's going to bite you or anything..."

"_Ahem… There are bigger matters at hand_," Sophie said turning herself on. I pulled her out of my pocket and flipped her open. Her screen showed a picture of a Rampardos… "_Rampardos. The Head Butt pokemon. Its powerful head butt has enough power to shatter even the most durable things upon impact… It is also the strongest pokemon in the world (save for the attack version of Deoxys) when it comes to physical attacks but this power is undermined by its paper defenses and poor speed."_

"Uh… Informative. But why are you telling me this Sophie?"

"_Because that fucker's coming this way stupid! RUN FOR IT!"_ I turned around to find the Hazard Rampardos charging straight for us. How did I know that it was the Hazard Rampardos? Lets just say that the biohazard symbol stamped to its chest isn't inconspicuous…

"YO RETARDS! FRENZIED HOMICIDAL DINOSAUR OF DEATH AND ALL THINGS PAINFUL AT SIX O'CLOCK!" I shrieked. Lily and all four pokemon stopped in their tracks when they saw Rampardos speeding toward us. "Okay Sophie, lets say _hypothetically_ that a Rampardos' power has been multiplied..."

"_Multiplied? By how much?"_

"Five."

"_Then you might as well just lie down on the floor and wait for imminent death… Why? You don't mean to tell me that __**this**__ Rampardos is on some kind of poke-roids or something, right?"_

"Er…"

"_… OH MY GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE! I KNEW PROF. ROWAN SHOULD HAVE NEVER GIVEN ME TO A LITTLE BASTARD LIKE YOU! FIRST THE DARKRAI (_Darkrai: I'm not a _the_…) _AND NOW THIS?! YOU MUST HAVE A DEATH WISH OR SOMETHING KID! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I'M GONNA DIE WITH AN IDIOT LIKE YOU!"_

"SOPHIE! No one's gonna die! Lily and I are gonna take it down somehow. Right Lily?"

"Hell no!"

"LILY!"

"I mean yes! … Who am I kidding? We're gonna die!" She screamed before running around in circles with Grith and Jenie again out of panic. Frustrated, I turned to my pokemon. Punchy was climbing onto Poopy's back.

"What the fuck are you guys doing?!"

(Screw this place man, we're not getting killed for a douche bag like you!) Poopy said.

(We're going to Las Vegas biotch! See ya in a week! Oh but before we go...) Punchy jumped off of Poopy just to slap me across the face. (Let's ride mi amigo!) He grabbed onto Poopy's feet and cackled maniacally as they flew over the horizon.

"DAMN IT ALL! I'M GONNA FUCKING EAT YOU BOTH WHEN YOU GET BACK!" Lily was having a panic attack, my pokedex was praying to her creator (Prof. Rowan) for mercy, and the only two pokemon I'm allowed to use have just escaped to who knows where… The Rampardos was only twenty feet away now… fifteen… ten… I decided to take Sophie's advice and lied down on the ground and waited for death to come…

"Oh no you don't! If you die then I don't have a shadow to live in anymore!" Darkrai said. He surrounded me, Lily, Grith and Jenie in an aura of blue psychic light. He lifted us into the air with the power of his mind. We were sent flying alongside him as he moved us to the top of one of the Hazard wheel's carriages. The Rampardos delivered a bone shattering head butt to the base of the Hazard wheel. The carriage we were standing on shook violently from the impact; we were barely able to hang on anymore. One more attack like that and we would have fallen off… But luckily (or not) the Rampardos leapt onto one of the carriages on the opposite side of the Hazard Wheel.

"That's a powerful jump its got there…" Lily said. She was scared out of her wits and I couldn't really blame her. The Rampardos was roaring and spitting even more ferociously than it had been before. Something in its eyes told me that it was in pain though…

"But why would it go to the opposite side of the wheel? Sophie said it excelled in physical attacks only… What could it be planning…?" Darkrai pondered out loud. Lily finally became aware of his presence at that very moment.

"HOLY SHIT! A GHOST!" She screamed.

"He's not a ghost! His name's Darkrai and he's the only thing (Darkrai: I'm not a thing…) between us and a premature death!"

"Speaking of which… LOOK OUT!" Darkrai shouted. Rampardos just spewed a jet of fire from its mouth from the opposite carriage. I ducked (Lily didn't have to because she had already fainted after seeing the Flamethrower attack) as Darkrai loosed a Thunderbolt attack from his clawed hands. The two attacks collided in the center of the Hazard Wheel and caused a white hot explosion on impact. Loose bolts of electricity ricocheted off of the steel beams supporting the wheel. One such bolt hit the generator at the base of the wheel.

The ride lurched. Our carriage began to ascend higher as Rampardos' descended. The ride was moving now…

"Good job Darkrai," I said sarcastically. "Now you've made it ten times worse!"

"Screw you. Be grateful that I'm helping at all!" I looked down below. The Rampardos was bellowing its head off as his quarry (us) slipped away from it.

"How are we gonna do this without breaking the ride or falling off…?" I thought to myself. And the answer came to me as our carriage reached the top of the wheel. I looked down towards the center of the wheel where the biohazard symbol was. Upon further inspection, the circular object in the center of it jutted out slightly. It was white at the bottom and bright green at the top with a white button in the center of it. The top half had a biohazard sign in the center…

"The Hazard Ball!" I exclaimed when I realized what it was. It was one of the four specialized poke balls hidden throughout the park.

"What's that?" Darkrai asked.

"I barely even know! But it's the best we've got to take that bastard down!"

"Then let me get it. I can glide over to it and-."

"No. You need to stay here and protect Lily, Grith and Jenie from that thing. And besides. You're a pokemon. It wouldn't be right if you captured another pokemon." Darkrai considered it for a moment and nodded.

"You're right. But how are we going to get it now- DIAMOND!" He shrieked as I dove headfirst off of our carriage…

-**RTJ's Corner** (New segment since the site won't let me make the line anymore and the alphabet thing's hard to look at... -.-)

People. Come on. I said in the last chapter specifically that I'm not accepting anymore character submissions. I'm only accepting the characters sent to me by Tyrannosaurus Cerato, Yozoro Kitsune and bm631 (the first person to even consider sending in a character and I really appreciate that. Those characters will added later on in the arc though. So please for the love of whatever god you worship (besides me, Pearl and Ivan of course) stop sending in character submissions! I _might _add your characters in a different arc or something but for now, THE WINDOW IS CLOSED!

And in other news... VHID'S BACK! YAYNESS! I didn't think you had a pulse anymore (but I know college is in the way and stuff so it's alright). And I haven't forgotten what happened to you last time either XD. I wonder if Brock ever let you out... And do you still look like a Mexican woman? I guess we'll never know...


	52. Hazard Park part 3

Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Happiny

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"Quit going so slow Ed!" Dawn urged. She led him into the Mirror Labyrinth, Hazard Park's massive hall of mirrors. Ed kept himself at a safe distance from her at all times as they traversed through the dimly-lit maze.

"Why the hell are we even in here? Aren't we supposed to be looking for the Aggron?" Ed thought irritably. He stuffed his hands into his pockets as he and Dawn went around a corner and into a corridor with mirrors lined up adjacent to one other on both sides. "DAAAAHHHH!" He shrieked when he saw several of Dawn's reflections appearing in the mirrors next to him. She turned on her heel and cocked an eyebrow at him.

"What's wrong Ed?"

"N-N-Nothing! I-I um, I saw a-a-a Spinarak!" He stammered.

"Um, okay… Just try not to scream anymore, it's making me nervous…"

"No problem…" He sighed. Y'know… Most people mentally slap themselves when they do something stupid. Right now, Ed was mentally stabbing himself with a machete…

"SPINARAK?! _SPINARAK?!_ YOU'RE NOT FUCKING AFRAID OF FUCKING SPINARAKS YOU FUCKING CUNT BALLOON!" He mentally screamed at himself. "THIS ISN'T JOHTO ANYMORE YOU TARD! SPINARAKS DON'T EVEN LIVE IN THIS FUCKING REGION! Great job Ed, _seriously_ great job! She thinks you're a fucking pussy!"

"Fuck you inner thoughts! You're a pussy!" He shouted back.

"Hey fuck you buddy! You're a pussy!" His inner voice retorted.

"You're a pussy!"

"You're a pussy!"

"You're a pussy!"

"You're a pussy!"

"Ed?"

"You're a pussy!"

"You're a pussy!"

"You're a pussy!"

"Ed?!"

"You're a pussy!"

"You're a-."

"ED!" Dawn shouted at the top of her lungs. She smacked him across each cheek to snap him out of it. "What's wrong with you? Why were you yelling 'You're a pussy' over and over?"

"I-I uh, you s-s-s-see, I-I-I-I-Me and m-m-my inner voice hate each other um-and-uh-."

"You don't have to say it. I think I know what's wrong here…"

"Y-y-you do?" He asked meekly. "Oh god… Is my fear of women _that_ obvious?" He thought.

"What? Are you stupid? Of course it's obvious!… Pussy!" His subconscious responded.

"Suck my balls…" He growled through gritted teeth.

"What was that?" Dawn asked. This partnership was getting weirder every second…

"Nothing! I said nothing!"

"Okay… Anyway, I know why you're spazzing out so much… And if it makes you feel any better, I'm just as afraid of the Hazard Aggron as you are." Ed mentally sighed out of relief.

"Good. She hasn't noticed that she's the real reason why I'm spazzing out… Now to just roll with it…" He thought. "Um, yeah… I-I'm terrified of that Tyranitar-."

"Aggron."

"Aggron, right…" He really couldn't care less about whether the Aggron showed up or not. He knew he could probably handle it on his own anyway… Dawn suddenly grabbed him by the hand and led him further down the mirrored corridor. Ed could have sworn that his heart just skipped a beat…

"Listen, if we ever come across that thing I'm counting on you to do the most of the fighting. I love my pokemon dearly but we're just not the best of fighters… I'd probably faint if I ever see that thing agaaaiiii… Oh my…" They had reached the end of the corridor but a certain Hazard pokemon was already waiting for them…

The Aggron's face was half hidden in the shadows but Ed could clearly see the toothy smirk it gave them. Some of its teeth were stained crimson with feathers poking out in between them. Ed guessed that it probably ate a Staravia on the way over here… It stepped out of the shadows long enough for them to see the biohazard symbol stamped to its chest before its right fist started glowing bright blue, illuminating the room for the very first time.

"Oh shit! It's Focus Punch!" Ed said. He left his fears aside for one second to grab Dawn by the arm and pulled her away from the impending attack. Rather then go for them, Aggron swung its arm to the side and hit the mirrors to its right. The shockwave spread through the adjacent mirrors, shattering them on impact.

"What a clever creature…" Dawn muttered as she and Ed tried to outrun the exploding mirrors. If the shockwave ever reached them then they'll be killed by the descending mirror shards…

"Clever? Since when has smashing stuff ever been clever?!" Ed snapped.

"It followed us in here so it could use the mirrors to its advantage! This place isn't big enough for it to use its full range of attacks so it is using the mirrors to get at us instead!" The Focus Punch's shockwave was losing its momentum now. Ed and Dawn leaped forward just as the last mirror exploded behind them. Ed tumbled to the floor and hit his chin against the cold hard ground.

"Son of a bitch…." He moaned as he rubbed his chin. He sat upright and looked over his shoulder. The entire left side (Aggron's right) of the hallway had shattered, leaving only the gnarled and barren frames that survived the attack. The entire center of the aisle was littered with fragments of broken glass, thoroughly blocking them from Aggron. "Hmm… She's right. That thing really is clever…" Ed thought. "Now because of the glass, nothing but flying pokemon can attack it now. But its teeth have already proven that it could take out any flying pokemon it wants…" Aggron licked its lips hungrily when Dawn and Ed got back to their feet. Its left fist began to glow this time in preparation for another Focus Punch…

"You're not gonna win you fucker!" Ed shouted at it. "Vulpix lets go! Use Flamethrower!" He ordered releasing her just a few feet away from him. Vulpix loosed a stream of fire from her mouth (which was pretty big for a pokemon of her size) and hit Aggron squarely in the chest. Aggron let out a cry of pain as the flames struck it. Ed smirked when he saw that the glow in Aggron's fist dissipated.

"Way to go Ed!" Dawn said gratefully. She hugged him around his midriff, making him lose his concentration (and consciousness)… "Ed? Ed?! ED!" She shook him a few times and slapped his across the face but to no avail. "WAKE! UP! YOU! STUPID! PIECE! OF! CRAP!" She screamed between each slap she gave him. Still nothing… She looked back at Vulpix and Aggron. Aggron had gotten over the initial shock of being attacked and slowly began trudging through the stream of fire, splitting it right down the center. Vulpix tried to keep it back by releasing more fire. So much fire in fact, that the mirrors on to her left were beginning to melt. "She's going to tire out easily if this keeps up… I guess I have no choice this time… Everyone come on out!" She said releasing all four of her pokemon at once. They all tensed up and went into fighting stances when they realized Aggron was in the room.

"I really hoped I would never have to come to this… But what other option do I have now?" Dawn asked herself. She lifted her pokedex out of her bra (Yes, bra. Her dress doesn't have friggin pockets!) and pointed it at the back of Turtwig's head. "I'm really sorry about this you guys... Evolution: De-Cancel!"

**Meanwhile…**

"Hazard Avenue? Is there anything here that _doesn't_ have the word hazard in it?" Ivan asked. He was reading the large multicolored sign in front of the gates. Hazard Avenue was just a simple paved road with carnival game booths adjacent to each other on both sides. It seemed to go on for about a mile into the park.

"Who cares? Just open the gates you swine!" Lucirce shouted. Pearl and Ivan grumbled insults under their breaths as they each swung the doors open. "Come along monkey slaves. We have a Drapion to find."

"Why the hell should we help you?" Pearl said irritably.

"Hello? What part of 'eleven sticks of dynamite up the ass' do you not understand? Or would you prefer getting bludgeoned by my good friend, Mr. Golf Club Of Doom?"

"Wait just one god damn minute!" Ivan said. "That hot clown from before said that we don't have to help each other out at all. In fact, she pretty much said that we could beat the shit out of each other! So what's stopping us from whipping out (Pearl: Hehehe… When in doubt, whip it out!)- Shut up Pearl… Anyway, what's stopping us from _releasing_ our pokemon right now and having them beat you into submission?"

"Ooh, how masculine of you. You actually need your _pokemon _to take out a poor, little, defenseless _girl_ like me? I'm _so _terrified…" She said sarcastically. Ivan winced and grinded his teeth together; that was a really big shot to his ego…

"I don't need my pokemon to fight for me! I _am_ the resident B.A.M.F around here, after all (In case you don't know, B.A.M.F stands for 'Bad Ass Mother Fucker'. Y'know… Like Chuck Norris XD). I just refuse to fight a girl, that's all…"

"In case nobody's told you yet, chivalry's dead dude," she said flicking him on the nose mischievously. "Well _here_'_s_ what will happen if either of you or your pokemon try anything… Go Mei-Mei!"

"Mei-Mei?" Both boys asked at the same time as Lucirce Cherrim, Mei-Mei materialized in front of them. They took one look at Mei-Mei, then Lucirce, then each other. They both burst out laughing.

"What the hell is that thing gonna do? Cuddle us to death?" Pearl managed to say through his own laughter.

"Vaporize us with its adorability?" Ivan said.

"No. But she _will_ try and stab you in the neck," Lucirce said backing away a couple of feet. Mei-Mei smirked fiendishly up at the two boys.

(Oh, I'm gonna have fun ripping out your innards…)

5 Minutes later…

"HOLY MOTHER OF SPONGEBOB! THAT THING'S CRAZY! CRAZY I TELL YOU! CRAZY!" Pearl shrieked. Mei-Mei had chased them up to the top of Hazard Avenue's gates. She was leaping at them from below, growling and spitting like a piranha as she savagely tried to slice them open with a bloody chainsaw. Lucirce was not too far away. She was cackling madly as Ivan and Pearl flinched every time Mei-Mei swung the chainsaw at them.

"ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT! WE GET IT! YOU'RE THE BOSS, WE'RE THE MONKEY SLAVES! JUST CALL OFF YOUR FURY OF A THOUSAND HELLS!" Ivan pleaded.

"That's better," Lucirce said returning Mei-Mei to her ball. "Now was that so hard to say?"

"Fucking ball sack, pussy streaming, homicidal Cherrim, piece of shit, anal chocolate, bleeding vagina, fucking nipple squeezer…" Ivan grumbled as he and Pearl climbed back down the gates. They wordlessly followed Lucirce (who was still giggling from what just happened) into Hazard Avenue, now stripped of whatever dignity they had left.

"Now to find that Drapion…"

"We don't have to look that hard…" Pearl said.

"Why's that?"

"It's right over there," he said pointing directly in front of them. Surely enough, the Hazard Drapion was running towards them as fast as it could on its six spindly legs could carry it. Which really isn't that fast…

"Good, its found us. Now we have to come up with a plan-."

"How's this for a plan? LEROY JENKINS!" Ivan shouted as he flew overhead on his Flygon, Hyperion.

"What the- GOD DAMN IT IVAN!"

"Suck my balls!" He yelled back. Lucirce stomped her foot down out of fury, she hates it when her authority is denied… She tossed a pokeball at the back of Ivan's head. Her Vaporeon, Hazel released herself from the ball and immediately bit Ivan on the arm. "HOLY SHIZNIT!" He shrieked. He tried to fling Hazel off but only ended up fall over Hyperion's side. Pearl cringed when Ivan hit the ground face first.

"Oh well… At least he has chicken… You lot are _really_ gonna have to watch the Leroy Jenkins video on youtube to get that joke…" Pearl muttered. Fourth wall be damned!

"Ugh…Hyperion! Get this thing off of me!" He ordered. Hyperion gleefully swooped down and caught Hazel in the stomach with a headbutt. Hazel tumbled across the ground until she finally came to a stop at Lucirce's feet. Hyperion grabbed Ivan's hand and pulled him back onto his feet. Ivan smirked at Lucirce and Hazel.

"Let's cut the crap already. I don't like you and you don't like me so working together is out of the question. I say we duke it out right now to see who captures that thing," He suggested. Drapion finally managed to catch up to them but was rather confused as to why they were fighting each other instead of it. It scratched its head out of confusion before completely giving up on them and smashing the nearby game booths. Hey, even pokemon need to release pent up anger too, right? Lucirce and Hazel smirked back at Ivan and nodded. "Good… Prepare to be beaten down by victory incarnate!"

"Oh please… What's victory gonna do against Satan incarnate?" She retorted. Both trainers and pokemon rushed forward, poised for attack…

"… What the fuck? Guys? Hello? The Drapion's not even paying attention! This is the perfect time to attack _it_, not each other!... Are you even listening to me?! It'll be a cold day in hell when _I_ become the voice of reason around here!" Pearl shouted.

**Meanwhile in lowest layers of hell…**

"Why the here did it get so cold all of a sudden?" Satan asked. "Hitler! Did you touch the thermostat?"

"Nein habe ich Ihren verdammten thermostat nicht berührt!" Hitler shouted back. Translation: No I did not touch your fucking thermostat!"

"No need to curse Hitler… It makes me sad when you yell at me… WHY DO YOU HATE ME?!" Satan shrieked, tears now forming in his eyes.

"Kommen Sie auf, ich hasse Sie Muffinkuchenoberteile nicht-." Translation: Come on, I don't hate you muffin tops.

"Then how come you don't look at me when we make love? Are you ashamed of me?"

"Er…"

"I knew it! YOU HATE ME! WAHAHAHA!" Satan ran away crying. Hitler sighed and reluctantly followed after him.

"Verdammte Muschi Teufel…" Translation: Fucking pussy Satan…

-**RTJ's Corner**

Howdy y'all! I swear, I had to rewrite this chapter four times before I thought it was good enough to submit. Oh and my mom hasn't made good on her promise to take away the mouse (just like I predicted) but I nonetheless, got it taken away this week anyway because I got grounded for breaking my little sister's PSP (even though it was really my neighbor's fault -.-). Anyway, I'm pleased to announce that this story's achieved two more milestones. We have finally reached 15000 hits and gotten over 100 reviews! This is the only one of my stories to get over 100 reviews so, yeah, YAYNESS! It also only needs about 1000 more hits to beat my first story Golden Flames too, so I can rightfully say that _this_ is the best fic I've ever written! YAYNESS UP THE ASS! I LOVE YOU PEOPLE!

Diamond: Snap out of it you scum biscuit! (He slaps me across the face)

Owie... Thanks, I needed that. Anyway, I'm sorry it took me so long to get this one up (I know some stories take months to update but meh...). I'll try not to "break" any PSPs next week (-.-) I fucking my hate my neighbor now...

-RTJ


	53. Hazard Park part 4

Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Happiny

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-" I screamed.

… As you may recall, my part of the story left off with me jumping off of a colossal moving Ferris wheel head first to get a pokeball I know nothing about so I can catch the homicidal Rampardos trying to kill us… Yeah, _extremely_ poor planning on my part. Anyway, let's get back to me plunging to my doom.

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" I thrashed my hands out in a feeble attempt to grab onto something. I looked directly in front of me. I was going to hit one of the steel beams holding one of the carriages. Face first. "There's no way in hell I'm going to die like this! I'm gonna die honorably on the crapper like Elvis!" I turned on to my side in midair so that it was my left arm that was going to crash into it first and at full force. It was gonna hurt like hell but at least I wasn't gonna hit my head…

"Ouch…" Lily cringed at the resounding CRACK and cursing that followed my impact.

"SON OF A BITCH PUSSY JAWBREAKER DICK IN A BLENDER CUNT DOORKNOB DOUCHE PISTOL TREE PENIS!" I screamed out of agony. "HOLY FUCKING JESUS, SOMEONE HELP ME! MY ARM DIDN'T JUST BREAK, IT FUCKING SHATTERED! OH GOD, I'M DYING!"

"Shouldn't we help him?" Lily asked Darkrai.

"Nah, it's what he gets for being a dumb shit… Aw crap! We've got company!" The Hazard Wheel had just finished half of its revolution, so that Lily and Darkrai's carriage was at the bottom and Rampardos' was at the top. The steel beam that I crashed into was turned vertically, sending me sprawling down to the ground once more.

"Oh god not again…" I snapped my eyes closed and waited for the impact to come again… But it didn't. I opened my eyes again to see that I somehow had stopped in midair. "Why do I suddenly have the urge to sing "Defying Gravity" from the musical Wicked?"

"Please don't…" Darkrai muttered. I turned around in the air to see Darkrai staring up at me from down below with one of his hands outstretched to me. It finally dawned on me that he was the one keeping me in the air with his Psychic attack. "What the hell were you thinking kid? I told you that I need you _alive_ you dumb shit! If I lose you then I lose my home, damn it!"

"It's _so_ comforting to see your concern for me…" I said sarcastically. Darkrai was about to say something back when Rampardos shot down at us with another Flamethrower attack. Darkrai lost his hold on me, letting me drop unceremoniously next to Lily (who fainted again when she saw the Flamethrower attack…).

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! MY OTHER ARM! I SWEAR TO GOD I'M GONNA LOSE THEM IF THESE KEEPS HAPPENING (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)!" I hadn't hit this arm nearly as bad as the other one but the combined pain was making feel lightheaded… I gritted my teeth so I could fight back the tears and rolled onto my back.

"Stay here," Darkrai commanded, slowly drifting higher into the air. "I'll take this thing out in a few minutes…" His fists glowed bright blue momentarily before he sped off towards the top of the wheel. Rampardos noticed this and made its own fists start glowing as well. I looked towards the center of the Hazard Wheel again.

"We could end this so easily if I can just get to that damn ball…" I thought. The ride was almost three quarters of the way through its first revolution, meaning that our carriage was almost horizontal to the center of the wheel… "Quick! Jenie, shoot a Water Gun at the generator Darkrai activated earlier. It didn't really feel right commanding Lily's pokemon but now wasn't the time to get picky.

(Why the hell should I help you?) She asked crossing her arms.

(Don't be such a bitch Jenie. Just do what he says.) Grith replied.

(What did you just say?!)

(Geez, get the corn out of your ears… I said quit being a bitch and do what he says!)

(That's it! You're dead!) She fumed before firing a stream of water at her companion. Grith nonchalantly ducked under the blast, only getting the tip of his tail wet in the process. The Water Gun ricocheted off of one of the steel beams and hit the generator below, just as I planned. The ride came to a full stop at last.

"Nice job Grith!" I said scratching him behind the ears. A surge of pain went up my arm as I did that but I tried my best not to show how much pain I was in. "Uh… I'd run if I were you," I warned. Grith ran out of the way as a second Water Gun soared over our heads. The two pokemon ran in circles around the unconscious Lily shooting Water Guns and Flamethrowers at each other.

"How come every pokemon I come in contact with is a useless prick?" I asked myself. Oh well, I didn't really need those two now. Cautiously, I stepped onto the steel beam supporting our carriage. Just as I expected, it was horizontal to the center of the wheel. All I had to do now was walk across and get the Hazard Ball… Easy, right?

Wrong…

Darkrai's and Rampardos' Focus Punches collided with each other, sending out a shockwave throughout the Hazard Wheel. The ride lurched, causing me to fall backwards onto my ass and all the other carriages to sway violently. I looked up at the fierce battle taking place up top.

At first, it looked like Darkrai was winning very easily. His superior speed allowed him to get the upper hand. He was punching so fast that it looked like it had several more arms than he actually did. One particularly nasty uppercut sent the Rampardos careening over the edge of the carriage they were fighting on.

"Too easy…" Darkrai said gloatingly. It cupped its hands together and a sphere of black energy formed in its hands. I recognized it as a Shadow Ball attack right before Darkrai rammed it into Rampardos' chest, sending it falling over the side. I cringed when I heard it smack against some of the steel beams as it fell and finally crash landed into the ground.

"Oh yeah! Who's bad ass? I'm bad ass!" Darkrai gloated flexing his nonexistent muscles. "Does any lady Darkrai want to feel these guns?"

"Dumb shit…" I said. I looked back towards the ground to check if the Rampardos was truly dead. "It… Disappeared!?" I jumped back onto my feet and rubbed my eyes. It was nowhere to be found… "Nothing can survive a fall like that and even if it did, there should at least be a fucking body…" I took yet another look. I could have sworn I saw a few flashes of light but I ignored the thought. It was probably just sparks of electricity coming off the generator…

Oh man was I wrong…

With no reason to go after the Hazard Ball anymore I backpedaled a few steps until I hit a wall. Wait a minute. There are no walls on a Ferris Wheel… I put my less damaged arm behind me to feel this 'wall'.

"It has scales…" I said. I moved my hand farther up. "It has a snout… And an egg-like protrusion from the top of its- Oh shit…" I don't know how but… The Rampardos had found me…

(You're next…) It whispered in my ear. I don't know what scared me more, the venomous quality to its voice or the fact that I could actually _understand_ it… Momo said something about telepathic connections between trainers and Hazard pokemon but didn't I have to catch it first…? I spun around on the spot but it was already gone…

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Darkrai shrieked from above. I looked up to see it free falling through the air with a large gash on its side. I'm sure he doesn't have blood (or organs for that matter) so it looked like something ripped a chunk out of him… Just before he hit a steel beam, a gray and blue blur appeared under him. The blur materialized into the Rampardos. It smirked fiendishly to itself as its tail started glowing…

"DARKRAI LOOK OUT!" I yelled. It was too late. Rampardos had already sent Darkrai soaring back into the air with its Iron Tail attack. It was kind of like baseball. Rampardos' tail was the bat and Darkrai's face was the ball… Darkrai flipped in the air and came to a full stop just above the top of the Hazard Wheel. He clutched at the gash on its side and his face. He was breathing heavily and cursing under his breath.

"What the fuck just happened…?" He thought out loud. "Just when I thought it was down, it appeared next to me and hit me with a Dragon Claw when I had my guard down… Does thing have the power to teleport?"

(Nope.) I heard Rampardos say. It had reappeared behind Darkrai just like it had done with me but one thing was different… It was floating.

Darkrai spun around and shot a Thunderbolt at it at point blank range. Rampardos merely smirked and took the attack head on. It stood its ground (er… air) even though the attack ripped through the scales on its chest. It wiped some of the blood off and licked its blood stained claws.

(Yes… Blood! I want to see blood!) It roared. It had returned to the savage nature we saw from before. I remembered something I learned in school about lizard pokemon (and the occasional Sharpedo). Being voracious meat eaters, all kinds of lizard pokemon's instincts for battle are multiplied, making them _extremely_ beastly hunters. This bastard let itself bleed on purpose to heighten its power…

Rampardos pseudo-teleported behind Darkrai once more and knocked it down into one of the carriages with a Focus Punch. Now prepared this time, Darkrai shot a Dark Pulse attack at the carriage to retard his fall. He flew backwards due to the kickback from the attack. It turned in the air and tossed a Thunderbolt in the shape of a javelin at Rampardos. Rampardos' became a blur, disappeared and reappeared at Darkrai's side and swiped at him with a Dragon Claw.

Darkrai ducked under the Dragon Claw and counterattacked with a Dark Pulse at point blank range; sending them both sprawling backwards through the air. Rampardos flipped backwards and came to a full stop, mirroring what Darkrai did before. Darkrai, however, was too weak to come to a stop and crashed into the windows of the adjacent carriage. It supported itself by clinging to one of the window's frames.

"How-How are y-you able to-to fight me in the air?" Darkrai asked in between his own deep breathing. Rampardos smirked maliciously at his opponent. Its entire body shined bright white for a second.

(Hehehe… It's simply amazing what a little _shine_ could do to change a battle…) It replied. Not exactly getting what that meant, I pulled Sophie out of my pocket.

"Sophie? Can you scan that thing for any abnormalities?" I asked the distressed pokedex.

"_You mean __**besides**__ the fact that it's a freak of nature and a sin against God himself?"_

"Yes…"

"_Scanning… Hmm… Its speed has increased dramatically from when we first encountered it…"_

"Speed?" I looked back towards the ground. Those flashes I saw earlier… They were eerily similar to the way Rampardos just flashed. "That's it! It's been using Rock Polish to increase its speed ever since Darkrai knocked it down!" I realized.

(Bingo! Ding ding ding! We have a winner!) Rampardos said. (The meat bag's (Me: …Meat bag?) absolutely correct. I am moving so fast that I defy gravity itself!) It flew up even higher and taunted us by cart wheeling and dashing around so randomly that it became nothing more than a blue and gray blur. It was cackling madly all the while. This thing was insane…

"Let's see… Rampardos plus stupidly high strength plus uberly high speed plus the mind of a criminal genius plus a sadistic nature plus a thirst for blood equals…" I said.

"_DEATH! DEATH TO ALL THAT EXISTS! TREMBLE IN FEAR AND PRAY FOR SALVATION, FOR THE ANTICHRIST HAS BEEN BORN!"_ Sophie promptly finished for me. I couldn't say I disagreed with her either…

(HAHA! Now you fools are getting it! I AM GOD!) It shouted before bellowing out a loud, savage, unintelligible roar. (… And this god desires blood! I WANT TO SEE IT! I WANT TO SMELL IT! I WANT TO TASTE IT! I WANT TO _BATHE_ IN IT! GIVE ME YOUR BLOOD!" It opened its maw wide open. A sphere of pulsating blue energy appeared in between its top and bottom jaws. I immediately recognized it as a Dragon Pulse attack. I watched in horror as the blast rushed down towards Darkrai. Instead of hitting him, it sailed over its head and through the window that Darkrai collided with. The attack hit the floor of the carriage, causing the entire carriage to explode on contact.

"DARKRAI!" I screamed as my friend became engulfed in the cloud of smoke, fire and twisted, burning metal…


	54. Hazard Park part 5

Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Happiny

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"Hello gentle listeners!" Alistair exclaimed into the microphone. "This radio station is now under new management!"

"In other words, we hijacked this place and-." Alex began to say. Alistair slapped his hand over Alex's mouth hastily.

"Shh! Shut up dude! They don't need to know _that_…"

"Right. Sorry…"

"Anyway… We run this bitch now! I'm Alistair and from now on you may call me Glue Face-."

"And I'm Alex! And I go by the name of DJ Mop Head!"

"And from this point on, this radio station is now called 'Kick Ass FM 98.3'! We feel so sorry for you people. You're forced to listen to bullshit artists and bands while the truly awesome (Alex: US!) ones get ignored or have to stay in underground music circles. Well not anymore! We play only the awesome-est of the awesome! So… Do any concerned listeners have any questions about this new regime change?" Almost immediately, dozens of buzzers went off at the same time. Alistair and Alex groaned and covered their ears.

"Aww, look at what you did now you fucking bitch!"

"Suck it Alex!" Alistair reached under the table and pulled out a phone. He put it to his ear and said, "Hello caller! You're on the air with Glue Face and Mop Head, how may I help you-?"

"Yeah, _Glue Face_, I'm just wondering, how the hell do you get off telling people what to listen to? Who the hell are you to tell people what's awesome and what's not? I have half a mind to call the cops on you-." The disgruntled caller was cut off by Alistair hanging up on him.

"Okay… Can we get another caller? Preferably a less prick-like one…" The annoying buzzing sounds went off again. Alistair snatched the phone up almost immediately. "Wassup caller? You're on the air with Glue Face and Mop Head!"

"Hey Luigi (Alistair and Alex: Luigi?), can I have a large pizza with pepperoni, clams, potato chips, zucchini and-." Alistair hung up on him just like with the first one.

"Um… I think that's enough for one day, don't you agree Mop Head?"

"Oh God, just make it stop…"

"I'll take that as a yes… Anyway, remember everyone. Kick Ass FM is brought to you by P.I.H.G.S.S!"

"Pigs?"

"No. It's P.I.H.G.S.S."

"… Exactly, pigs!"

"It's not pigs! It stands for People for the Incineration of Hot Guy Sex Studios!"

"That's right! Hot Guy Sex Studios is run by stinky doo-doo heads that require people to have gay sex with them in order to get a record deal! They smother kittens, they jizz in the city's water supplies and worst of all… They spread AIDS! You hear that people? AIDS! SCARY SCARY AIDS! Each record you buy from them gives you AIDS! Don't buy from them ever again!... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! AND DICK CANCER!" Alex ranted into the microphone. Alistair patted him on the back and gave him a dog biscuit.

"That'll do Alex. That'll do…"

Meanwhile at Hot Guy Sex Studios…

Mr. Spooge-Drinker was having a meeting with his two cronies, Ringo and Dingo, y'know just another average, every day business meeting (with some gay sex at the end perhaps). He reclined back in chair and took a sip of his coffee lazily. Suddenly, a sharp pain hit his heart. He coughed uncontrollably before weakly falling out of his chair.

"BOSS!" Ringo and Dingo cried. They each jumped out of their seats so fast that they knocked them over and ran to Mr. Spooge Drinker's side.

"Boss, are you alright?" Ringo asked.

"What's wrong?" Dingo asked.

"I-I don't know… I just had this _strange_ feeling that-that an albino kid and a kid with a head like a mop are presently using the influential power of the radio to tell people that our company gives people AIDS and dick cancer…" Ringo and Dingo each cocked an eyebrow at the other. Dingo took a look in Spooge-Drinker's coffee cup.

"The hell's in this coffee…?"

"It might not be just the coffee…" Ringo said. "Boss, didn't you kick out two boys that match that description earlier today?"

"Y-Yes. I think I did… You don't think...?" Putting on a stern look, Ringo flipped open his laptop. He gasped and nearly dropped it onto the floor.

"What's wrong?"

"Nearly thirty percent of our stockholders just gave up their shares!"

"Damn them!" Mr. Spooge-Drinker roared through gritted teeth.

"Uh oh… The boss is having another acerbic rage…" Dingo whispered to his partner.

"UNACCEPTABLE! THOSE BOYS NEED TO BE STOPPED! I WANT THEM DEAD! I know what we have to do…"

"And what's that boss?"

"We have to nuke every radio station in the country!"

"… Uh… We don't have any nukes boss," Dingo said.

"And even if we had any we wouldn't be able to use them. It's against the law and human nature, you see-."

"Damn it you two! I'm a record producer for Ryan Seacrest's sake! I am above the law!"

"But boss-."

"I AM ABOVE THE LAW! Now, if you numb skulls want to keep your jobs, go and destroy those kids! But first let's go fuck some male Puerto Rican prostitutes…"

"Yes sir!"

Meanwhile in a dimension not of this Earth…

As you may or may not recall, we left Pearl and his new friends Ivan and Lucirce-

"RTJ! RTJ! OVER HERE!" Pearl shouted to get my attention.

What do you want? Can't you see that I'm telling a story here?

"I wanna be the narrator today! Please RTJ?"

No! I'm the narrator around here!

"Aww come on! You let Diamond be the narrator all the time! I only got to do it once!"

I let Diamond do it because he's the freakin' main character Pearl!

"But I'm everyone's _favorite_ character! Diamond can't hold a candle to the indelible sexiness that is my visage!"

"I'm going to kill you one day Pearl…" Diamond whispered.

"What'd you say?"

"Oh nothing…"

Pearl is _partially _correct I guess… Fine. You can be the narrator. But only for today!

"YES! YAYNESS! You won't regret this RTJ!"

Back at Hazard Park…

"Shadow Ball!"

"Water Gun!" I watched (with little interest, I might add) as Ivan Lucirce's battle unfolded. Ivan's Espeon, Umbriel fired a globe of black energy from the jewel on her forehead. Hazel counterattacked by spraying a stream of water from her mouth. They were momentarily in a stalemate but once I saw the smirk on Umbriel's face (which looked a lot like the one on Ivan's), I knew that this 'stalemate' wasn't going to last long. The Shadow Ball suddenly surged straight through the middle of Hazel's water gun, splitting it in two. It went on to hit Hazel directly in the face and sent her flying over Lucirce's head. Oh and by the way, one half of the split Water Gun kept going until it hit me in the crotch… -.-

"Oh god damn it! Look what you did you guys! Now I look like I pissed myself!" I complained. Neither of them seemed to pay any attention to me and continued on with their fight. Hazel got back up almost immediately and fired an Ice Beam at Ivan and Umbriel. They dove out of the way and let it freeze the ground behind them. "Ah screw you fags!" I said before storming away angrily. "Where the hell do they get off ignoring me? I'm fucking _Pearl_! I should go back there and kick their asses- woah..." I hadn't walked more than twenty feet when I saw it. Sitting on a shelf in the back of one of the game booths was a skateboard. I felt my jaw drop at the very sight of it.

"HOLY CHUCK NORRIS' PELVIC BONE! A SKATEBOARD!" I said ecstatically. I leaped over the counter and snatched the skateboard off of its shelf. In case you haven't noticed by now (if you haven't then you're an idiot), I absolutely _adore_ skateboards. "Oh my god… I haven't ridden on one of these babies in ages!" I inspected the board over appreciatively, like how an aficionado looks over a beautiful work of art. It was mostly scarlet red with pitch black outlines and flames scrawled across it. A solitary black wing adorned the top of it as well. On the bottom were the words 'Morbid Angel' and 'Azathoth' scribbled in blue marker.

"Azathoth? Isn't that a band? Or a reference to the Blind Idiot God, Azathoth of H.P Lovecraft lore? Eh… I'll just call you the Morbid Angel then. Sounds sexier anyway!" I jumped back over the counter and was just about to take a ride on my stolen skateboard when I heard a voice call out to me.

"Pearl! Stop!" I looked around but didn't see anybody.

"WTH? Who's there? Is it-Is it you Diamond?"

"Sort of. Since you don't have a conscience, I'm forced to be your conscience instead."

"But aren't you getting your ass kicked right now?"

"Yeah."

"So how the fuck are you in my mind right now?"

"I don't know. You should know by now that the laws of physics mean nothing here…"

"True. So what do you want already? Don't you see that I've got some serious shredding to do?"

"That's what I wanted to warn you about. You can _not_, under any circumstance, ride that skateboard!"

"What?! Why not?!"

"Because the last time you rode one, you tried to skate down a flight of stairs!"

"So?"

"You ended up breaking your neck, my pelvic bone and the face of twenty orphans with terminal illnesses!"

"…Your point?"

"…I hate you Pearl… Don't come crying to me when your testicles are split open and your thumbs are in the Philippines!"

"Suck my dick!" I said. I finally got on the Morbid Angel and kicked off. "Oh yeah! This is fucking sweet!" I leaned my weight to the left so I began to turn in circles. After the fifth rotation, my momentum was too much for me to handle, causing me to slip off and land on my back. "Ugh… Okay, so I'm a little rusty…" I groaned sitting back up.

(Rusty, eh? I have just the remedy…) Another unknown, disembodied voice hissed, making chills go down my spine. I looked to the left and to the right and didn't see anyone. A sharp metallic _something _tapped on my shoulder twice. (Up here…) Reluctantly, I looked straight up to find the Hazard Drapion staring malevolently right back at me…

"Aw shit…" I groaned as Drapion raised a claw over its head, getting ready to strike me down…

**RTJ's Corner**

Hehe, sorry Duel Soul. I thought _Lilly _was a typo so I changed it to Lily instead. Like you said, it doesn't really matter either way but I'll call her Lilly from now on. Oh and speaking of Lily, I don't plan for her to be unconscious the whole time while Diamond and Darkrai are doing all the fighting. I'm not gonna say anything more than that but lets just say that it's going to be pretty crazy...

I've also realized that I haven't done anything with Vivi and Emmy yet. I think I'll include them in the next chapter, maybe with a few other characters in waiting too... Anyway, R&R or you'll get a collective nine inches of Ringo, Dingo and Mr. Spooge-Drinker up the ass! Hehehe... They have small dicks...


	55. Hazard Park part 6

Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Happiny

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"To the north, we have explosions going off on that Ferris wheel. To the west, we can hear the sound of thousands of mirrors breaking at the Mirror Labyrinth. To the South, we can see Shadow Balls and Ice Beams flying everywhere… It seems like everyone's found their Hazard Pokemon except us," Emmy pouted. She was standing on top of a food stand, watching the others' progress (or lackthereof) from afar with her Misdreavus, Corrine. "Come on Vivi; let's go look some more-Vivi? Where did you go?" Vivi was supposed to be on the lookout below her but she was nowhere to be found. "What the hell…? This just isn't my day…" She leaped over the side of the stand and landed on her feet. Corrine floated slowly back down to her, yawning audibly as she went. Emmy stroked the back of Corrine's head and said, "I know, I know. I'm bored too… But we're not giving up! I'm going to catch that Nidoking even if it's the last thing I- WOAH!"

Emmy was forced to leap to the right, just a split second before the Hazard Nidoking she has been looking for rammed into her. He completely ignored her and kept on running and flailing his arms wildly, as if he was in a panic. To make things even stranger, it looked like he was running _away_ from something…

"What's his problem?" The answer came very clearly when Vivi's Empoleon, Pepe ran past her. Vivi was riding on his shoulder while carrying her Pachirisu, Patch and a harpoon on her own shoulders. "Vivi?!" Vivi turned to her and smiled brightly.

"Hi Emmy!" She greeted with a wave.

"What the hell are you doing?! And is that a harpoon?!"

"Sure is! I'M GOING WHALING! Woo hoo!" She shouted ecstatically and pumping her fist so hard that Patch nearly fell off her shoulder. Pepe ran… er… waddled faster now, so they were more than thirty feet away from Emmy now. Emmy's mouth hung open slightly. She still wasn't exactly sure what just happened…

"But it's not a whale!" She said finally. She tossed a pokeball into the air, releasing her Fearow, Elan. Elan grabbed Emmy's shoulders and flew her to Pepe's side in a matter of seconds (Pepe's not that fast…). "Vivi, wait up! You can't use a harpoon on it! Even if it is a mutant!"

"Then how in the world _do_ you catch pokemon then?" Emmy looked at her incredulously.

"You have a team of six pokemon yet you don't know how to catch them?!" Vivi giggled and put a hand behind her head.

"I never caught my pokemon _exactly_. Prof. Rowan gave me Pepe, I found Patch passed out in a sack of potatoes, I found Rose, my Roserade, mistakenly placed into a bouquet, I stopped my Lucario, Miles, from terrorizing a Taco Bell-."

"Alright! I get it! You don't know how to catch pokemon!"

"Well I've heard that you need to battle them in order to capture them. So I naturally thought that _battle_ meant trainers and pokemon beating each other into submission and tearing off limbs… I guess I won't be needing this then," she said before tossing the harpoon over her shoulder. Hmm… I like her theory on battling better. Then we wouldn't have fags like Ash Ketchum running around… (Pearl's still the narrator, remember? -.- This is gonna be a rough day)

"Right… Anyway, let me use my _pokemon_ to fight the Nidoking and-."

"No way dude (Emmy: Dude?)! If I leave it to you then you'll just steal him from me!"

"Well… Yeah. I probably would," she replied truthfully.

"Exactly! I'm gonna catch that sorry son of a sea turtle and feed him tacos! So you can either stay out of my way or suck my non existent boy parts! Pepe use Water Gun!" Pepe stopped momentarily to inhale quickly and shoot a pressurized blast of water at Elan and Emmy. Elan tilted to the left to dodge but Pepe still managed to get the edge of Elan's right wing. The pressure of the attack was so great that it knocked Elan out of the air, even when most of the attack missed. "See ya later Emmy!" She said jeeringly. Refusing to give up that easily, Emmy sprang back to her feet and pointed at Pepe.

"Why you little- CORRINE! Thunder Wave, let's go!" She ordered furiously. Corrine, who had been gliding alongside her and Elan the whole time, released five threads of electricity from the necklace thingy around her neck. They connected with Pepe's back, making him cry out in pain and fall flat on his face. Vivi and Patch tumbled off of him and landed on their asses.

"Owie… Pepe! Are you alright?!" Vivi quickly got back up to check on her fallen partner. While she was distracted, Emmy had Elan fly her farther ahead. Emmy, Corrine and Elan all looked back and smirked down at Vivi.

"Later loser!" Emmy jeered just before Elan carried her higher up into the air. Damn… Emmy, you're so hot when you're winning… Hey, y'know what we should do? You and I should just go somewhere and just start doing it for hours. Like, no talking, no stopping, just straight up sex for hours and hours and hours. I know this little secret spot- "Shut up Pearl!" What? Come on baby, you won't find a dick like this anywhere else- "Yeah, where else am I gonna find the world's smallest penis?" She retorted sarcastically. Damn, quit playing so hard to get Emmy! You know you want this- "RTJ! Pearl's being an ass!"

Me: Pearl! Stop harassing her or I'll never let you be the narrator again!

Alright, alright! Jesus, Emmy… Way to be a tattle-tale… Anyway, Emmy easily spotted the Nidoking from up above. It seemed to be cowering under a bench… That Nidoking's a pussy…

Me: PEARL!

What? It's true! Now where was I before I was so _rudely_ interrupted…? Oh yeah! Elan dive bombed straight for Nidoking's face. Elan is fiercer than most Fearows (who are already pretty damn fierce to begin with). Emmy returned Elan to his ball just when they skimming the ground. Whenever Elan gets battle ready like that, he tends to ignore Emmy's commands and get his ass kicked before a strategy could be implemented. Why does he act this way? Is it because he has had a traumatic past? Is it because he has a stubborn, recalcitrant personality? I, personally, think he's tremendously stupid-

Me: That does it! You're not the narrator anymore!

No, no, no! I'll be good, I promise! I promise not to make irrelevant comments anymore!

Me: You're on thin ice mister! If you don't stay focused or insult anyone or flirt (poorly) with any of the girls, I _will_ take back the narrating reins!

Alright already! Damn, way to kill my joy-gasms… Anyway, Emmy landed some odd feet away from the cowering Nidoking. On sight of her, he tore out of his 'hiding place' and tried to run away again. Acting quickly, Emmy made a notion to Corrine. Apparently getting the message, Corrine zoomed over Nidoking's shoulder and spun around to face him.

"Mean Look!" Emmy commanded. Corrine smiled mischievously as her eyes glowed bright red. Nidoking, unnerved by the crimson glow, stepped back a few steps. He tried to make a run for it again but before it got too far away, it stopped in mid run and fell back on its ass as if it hit an invisible wall. "You can't run this time! Use Will-O-Wisp!"

The necklace thingy (seriously, what is that thing?) around Corrine's illuminated a dark blue color. Several floating embers of the same color erupted out of the thingy and all at once rushed forward at Nidoking. Nidoking covered its head in its arms and braced for the impact. All of the spectral embers bounced off of its arms harmlessly, leaving him, Corrine and your dashing narrator confused…

"Damn!" Emmy swore. "Those stupid clowns never mentioned that these things are immune to status effects! Okay Corrine, let's use Shadow Ball now-."

"Stop!" Emmy turned around to find Vivi running up to her. "Leave him alone Emmy! Can't you see that he doesn't want to fight?" It was true. Nidoking looked ready to piss himself now that Vivi was here. He tried to run away again, only to smack against the invisible walls again. Distressed from failure, he covered his head in his arms and whimpered like a frightened puppy… Pussy…

Me: Pearl!

I know, I know! Stop insulting the cast and whatnot… Anyway, Vivi gingerly stepped closer to him so she wouldn't frighten him away again. When she got to him, she stroked the back of his head tenderly.

"There, there… You're not scary at all, are you? That Hazard Evolution thing didn't change you on the inside, did it? Inside you're still that cute little frightened Nidoran." I guess that means that the Hazard Rampardos has always been a douche…

Me: I'll let that one slide since it's true…

"Don't be scared Nidoking! You can join me and my pokemon! We'll go on adventures, eat cheese until we throw up, beat up trees, it'll be great! Would you like that Nidoking?" Vivi offered. Nidoking looked into her eyes and gave her a mousy, unsure smile. However, before Nidoking could answer, a pokeball whizzed over Vivi's head and pegged against Nidoking's. After about five seconds of shaking and rocking back and forth, the ball stopped. "EMMY! I'LL STRANGLE YOU FOR THAT!" Vivi shrieked.

"Vivi wait! It wasn't me! I swear!"

"Then who is it then?! Who's the freaking idiot who stole my Nidoking when I was so close to winning it over?! WHO?!"

"Uh… I guess I'd be that idiot," An unknown voice said. Both girls turned around to find an equally unknown boy strolling nonchalantly over to them. A Luxray followed at his side and glared at them all. The boy himself had spiky black hair and vibrant green eyes. He wore a blue and white hoody, jeans, black skate shoes, blah blah blah… Hey, have you ever noticed that a Luxray's face looks like a monkey's from the front- (Sees me glaring down at him) Er… Nevermind…

"Who the hell are you? You're not one of the trainers chosen for this!" Emmy said to the newcomer. The dude smirked and brushed past her to pick up the pokeball containing Nidoking.

"The name's Zack Anderson. And you two are Vivi and Emmy, right?"

"Yeah but how do you know-."

"I was in that crowd of trainers watching you guys. Me and these two other guys, Terry and Adee, were disgusted by the way those clowns were treating these Hazard Pokemon. So we decided to break in to this place and help you guys out when Momo and Juju weren't around," he explained. His face suddenly turned stony as he pocketed his new cowardly Nidoking. "Adee says that this whole thing might be connected to a criminal syndicate known as Team Galactic-HOLY HELL!" Before he could go any further, Vivi slashed at him with her previously discarded harpoon. With vastly superior reflexes, Luxray knocked the weapon out of her hands just before it hit Zack. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

"COME HERE YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH!" She shrieked pulling out a mallet from behind her back. Hey… I thought I was the only one who can pull out random weapons… I feel a little betrayed here… "GIVE ME BACK MY NIDOKING!" Not risking to knock it out of her hands again, Luxray lowered it head as it ran to flick Zack on to its back.

"Sorry Vivi but I felt that Nidoking would be better off with me!" Zack yelled over his shoulder as Luxray tried its best to get them both away from the crazed girl.

"THAT ISN'T AN EXCUSE! GET BACK HERE YOU BASTARD!" Vivi shrieked, taking swings at him every few steps.

"… Guys! Don't leave me here all alone!" Emmy cried whilst struggling to keep up with them… Okay, enough about them. Let's get back to me! Me! Glorious me! With sexiness stretching down to the seas! But before we get to me, here's a pointless plot interruption from Alistair and Alex (I'm the narrator, I have the power to do that ;D)

"…And that's why, gentle listeners out there, I believe Cartesian philosophy and Aristotelian philosophy meld together in a delightful fruity mix on matters of self-awareness," Alistair said. "Do you have any comments Alex…? Alex! Wake up!" Alistair yanked back the hairs on the back of his shaggy friend's head.

"OUCH! What the hell man?!"

"You're supposed to be paying attention to me!"

"But you're so _boring_ when you're talking about philosophy…"

"Aw come on! Why can't we ever have an intelligent conversation together?"

"I don't know _Alice_, maybe it's because I'm not fucking intelligent!" Alex retorted. Alistair narrowed his eyes angrily at him; he hates being called Alice rather than Alistair. It reminds him of his prick of an older brother… "Okay listeners, now that _that's_ over with, I've got a special treat for you! I've got a worldwide musical phenomenon to show up today, right here at Kick Ass FM! Please give a warm welcome to the incredible, the indelible, the legendary, the never secondary… MICHAEL JACKSON!" True to his word, the door to the studio slammed open to reveal Michael Jackson himself. He moonwalked over to Alex's side and did a spin.

"Holy shit! You _actually_ got him to come?" Alistair asked incredulously. Alex rolled his eyes at him.

"Of course I did! I mean, come on! Half the world thinks he's a pedophile! It's not like he has anything better to do than hang out with a couple of schlubs like us… Take a seat Mr. Jackson, take a seat."

"Hee hee!" The king of pop said in response, doing another spin before taking a seat next to Alistair.

"Okay, let's get this pointless distraction on the road… Mr. Jackson, with the release of your latest album, Thriller 25, do you think that this is your first milestone towards a comeback in the world of pop music?"

"Hee hee, jamona!"

"…Fucking genius! Wasn't that genius folks? Alistair? Do you want to ask him a question now?"

"Sure. As you probably are aware, Michael- may I call you Michael?- Fall Out Boy and John Mayer have come out with a cover of your hit song, Beat It. I particularly liked their improvements to the instrumental aspects while relatively keeping the same energy as the original but their singing was absolutely horrendous. Do you think it would have gone even better if you were on it?" Alistair asked with the air of a true music critic. Michael Jackson considered the question for a moment and replied with this statement.

"…Hee hee. Hee hee hee, jamona, hee."

"…Of course! You sir, are a musical phenomenon!"

"Ooh! I just had a great idea!" Alex piped in.

"What is it Al?"

"You and I can prove if it's better with Michael singing right now! We'll play Fall Out Boy's beat while Michael sings! How about it Mr. Jackson?"

"Hee hee!"

"That's great! Let's do it!" Alistair and Alex pulled out their guitars and drums while Michael Jackson cleared his throat audibly. And yes, he's actually gonna say something besides hee hee and jamona…

"LET'S ROCK OUT WITH OUR COCKS OUT!" Both Als exclaimed. Michael began to sing into Alistair's microphone.

They told him don't you ever come around here  
Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear  
The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear  
So beat it, just beat it

You better run, you better do what you can  
Don't wanna see no blood, don't be a macho man  
You wanna be tough, better do what you can  
So beat it, but you wanna be bad

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it  
No one wants to be defeated  
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight  
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right  
Just beat it, beat it  
Just beat it, beat it  
Just beat it, beat it  
Just beat it, beat it

They're out to get you, better leave while you can  
Don't wanna be a boy, you wanna be a man  
You wanna stay alive, better do what you can  
So beat it, just beat it

You have to show them that you're really not scared  
You're playin' with your life, this ain't no truth or dare  
They'll kick you, then they beat you,  
Then they'll tell you it's fair  
So beat it, but you wanna be bad

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it  
No one wants to be defeated  
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight  
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it  
No one wants to be defeated  
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight  
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it  
No one wants to be defeated  
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight  
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right  
Just beat it, beat it  
Beat it, beat it, beat it

Beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it  
No one wants to be defeated  
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight  
It doesn't matter who's wrong or who's right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it  
No one wants to be defeated  
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight  
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right

Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it  
No one wants to be defeated  
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight  
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right  
Just beat it, beat it  
Beat it, beat it, beat it

"This ultra kick ass pointless distraction has been brought to you P.I.H.G.S.S! Remember: Don't buy from Hot Guy Sex Studios. They're icky."

Meanwhile at Hot Guy Sex Studios…

"Oh my god! Another fifteen percent of our stock holders have just forfeited their shares!" Ringo shrieked.

"What?! Why?! Tell me now!" Mr. Spooge-Drinker demanded.

"They said that they don't want to associate with us anymore because… We're icky?"

"DAMN IT! THIS MUST BE THOSE LITTLE PUNK HOLES' DOING AGAIN! DINGO! WHERE THE FUCK ARE OUR NUKES!"

"I told you already! We don't have nukes and we're never getting nukes! It's against the law-."

"I AM ABOVE THE LAW! NOW DO IT OR I'LL BREAK YOUR BALLS OPEN ON THE TABLE LIKE FUCKING WALNUTS, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!"

…Right… Maybe that wasn't such a good idea after all… Anyway, let's get back to what we've all been waiting for… ME!

I (in all of my sexy goodness), covered my head in my arms and braced for the imminent impact. However, a squeal of pain erupted from Drapion. I looked up to just see Drapion getting tossed up into the air, like a rag doll being tossed by a callous child, by a headbutt from a Steelix that seemed to come out of nowhere.

"Damn… Can't I go two days without getting attacked by a Steelix?"

"Attack? Steal wouldn't hurt a fly (unless I tell him too). Isn't that right baby?" 'Steal' grinned toothily and nodded his head vigorously. I got back to my feet and backed up a few paces so I could see who was speaking. A slightly older girl with a Mudkip resting on her head was smiling down at me. She had blonde hair that goes down to her back, ocean-blue eyes, black oval rim glasses, red short tank top that says "I U" with a black pair of jeans and white flip-flops. "Sup stranger?"

"Uh… Who the hell are you?" I asked.

"My name's Adee Watts, resident scientific genius. And what's your name?"

"Pearl. Resident god of sexiness. Nice to meet-."

"Pearl? Why would anyone name their child Pearl? Is it because they thought you look like a pearl? Was it just a whim of theirs that they went through with? I guess they could have been drunkards-." She said breathlessly, making me feel slightly annoyed and exhausted.

"Well, let's just say my parents aren't the smartest of people… Um, what are you doing here Adee? Is this part of the Hazard competition thingy?"

"Oh no reason. No reason at all…" She said mysteriously. She was hiding something…

(DIE!) Drapion, whom we've been pretty much ignoring up until now, picked itself off the ground and charged straight for us. Steal prepared for an attack but threw my arm out in front of him.

"Sit your steel ass down! I've got this in the bag! All I need is this baby right here!" I said before quickly kicking off of the Morbid Angel. Ah me… I'm so cute when I'm boldly running into danger. My long blond locks flowing playfully in the breeze, the energetic spark of brashness in my bright blue eyes, my nipples stiffening and flexing like miniature Teutonic gods-

Me: You weren't so descriptive when you were talking about the other characters…

Well none of the other characters are as bad ass as me.

Me: Y'know, one day your arrogance is gonna come back to bite you Pearl…

Pfft. Yeah right. I'm too cool to be done in by an ironic twist of fate.

Me: Oh yeah? You seem to be forgetting who takes back complete control over the whole story after today. Who's that again? Oh yeah. Me. And with that complete control I'll have dominion over certain plot devices such as things like, I don't know, characterization, setting, climaxes… _Tragic flaws_, perhaps?

Uh… Hehe… hehe… he… Um, you're not serious are you?

Me: Try me…

… I'll be a good boy from now on RTJ! I-I'll tell everyone that I'm a piece of crap! I'm scum! I'm a lower life form! I'm lower than the dirt on the bottom of your shoes! Just please don't kill me off RTJ! I beg of you!

Me: Ah… Characters groveling at my feet. That's what I love to hear. Fine, your vanity is forgiven Pearl.

Sweet! Anyway, I kicked off of the Morbid Angel against Adee's protests. When I got near enough Drapion tried to slash down at me. I veered off to the right just before it hit, making his claw get stuck in the ground.

(What the- Get back here!) Drapion screeched. His tail unfurled and swung into my path like a striking serpent.

"Not a chance dude!" I said boldly. Just when the end of its tail was about to hit me, I did an ollie (just a simple skateboarding jump for you non-skateboard savvy folk) over it. Its back was left totally open, giving me enough time to get off of the Morbid Angel and jump onto its back. Drapion turned its head 180 degrees to face me.

(How dare you climb on top of me human! I'll destroy you! I'll rip out your neck! I'll-.)

"Oh shut up and smoke this doobie, biotch!" I pulled out a joint of marijuana that I saved up from the day before and stuffed it in to its mouth while it was still talking. Oh yeah, the fact that I could understand it disturbed me a little. But at the same time, it made me feel like we're destined to be together… Drapion's eyelids drooped, its shoulders slumped and a goofy, tripped out smile formed on its face. It also started swaying back and forth, kinda like a big purple hideous palm tree.

(Woah… Dude… I am tripping _balls_ right now… Hehehe… I've just noticed that I don't have fingers… Hehehehehehe… Or a nose!)

"Yep, you and me are gonna get along just fine," I muttered as I pegged a pokeball to his forehead. I landed on my back since the pokeball pulled Drapion out from under me. The ball shook in my hand for a few seconds before finally coming to a stop. "I think I'll call you… Boner! That's a great name for you! Let the imminent innuendos fly!"

"Way to go Pearl!" Adee said climbing down from Steal. "That was a really good strategy, intoxicating it so much that it couldn't fight back. You must be a pretty powerful trainer!"

"Strategy? I mean, yeah, a strategy! That was totally my plan all along! I'm one bad ass dude, aren't I?" I said putting my hands behind my head. I am _so_ glad that she doesn't know that I've only won one battle in my life…

-RTJ's Corner

That's the last time I let Pearl be the narrator… Anyway, I decided not to use a cliffhanger this time because I, like most of you, were getting sick of them. The Hazard Park arc is almost to an end now that Pearl's caught his Drapion before Ivan and Lucirce did and Emmy and Vivi got theirs stolen by Zack. I promise that this arc is going to end with the next chapter. It's gonna be pretty epic since Diamond's the only one with a truly evil Hazard Pokemon (Nidoking's a coward and Drapion and Aggron are just pissed off). But what I'm looking forward to is the chapter after that. I don't want to give anything away but let's just say that two of the characters are never gonna be the same… So, yeah, read it, love it, review it or… eh, I'm too tired to make a threat this time… Just review, okay?

P.S. We finally beat Golden Flames!


	56. Hazard Park part 7

Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Turtwig

Shellos

Drifloon

Happiny

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"… What happened…? Oh hey Diamond!" Lilly greeted _me _(Me being Diamond, not Pearl. I'm finally the narrator again!) cheerfully. She had just woken up and didn't yet grasp the gravity of our situation. She looked down at her ankles to find both of her pokemon unconscious (they eventually ended up knocking each other out…). She stared straight above her to see Rampardos floating and cackling at the smoke and fire that engulfed Darkrai. "Uh… Did I miss something here?"

"To make a long story short, that Rampardos is an evil sociopath son of a bitch that is moving so fast that it can fly… Oh, and I'm not sure but I think he just killed Darkrai…" I explained to her.

"So fast that it can fly?"

"Yeah, I don't get how that makes sense either…"

"Right… And Darkrai's presumably dead, you say?"

"Pretty much."

"I see…"

"Okay, our situation looks bad but please try not to panic-

"WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" She screamed at the top of her lungs. She began to run around in circles yet again…

"God, I hate you Lilly…" I muttered. I decided to turn my attention back onto the fight and left her to scream again. "Come on Darkrai…" I said, hoping against the odds that Darkrai would come out alive. The gruesome image of the gash in his side kept coming back to discourage me but I tried to keep it out of my mind. Just when it seemed hopeless, something strange and powerful started to happen inside the cloud of ruin.

A bright cerulean spark of light flashed within the cloud. Its radiance stretched farther up, bursting out of its smoky prison. Rampardos, Lilly and I all stopped to watch it. The beautiful blue light winded straight up into the sky like a serpent, growing longer as it went. It pierced one of the natural clouds above us and released a burst of blue energy inside of it, making the cloud go from gray to a large translucent blue puffball in the sky.

"D-D-Diamond? What's going on?" Lilly asked, her voice shaking more out of awe than fear of the spectacular sight.

"I… I'm not sure… But this proves Darkrai's alive!" I said, a grin forming on my face (most of you should know by now that I don't smile often…). Rampardos sneered at the cloud and crossed his arms.

(This should be good…) He grunted.

"RAIN DANCE!" Darkrai's voice boomed throughout the area suddenly. Just as suddenly, Darkrai rushed out of the cloud of smoke and burning metal. His eyes were glowing the shade of blue and small cuts were ripped out of him from the blast but none of them was nearly as big as the gash in his side. He clapped his hands together, the sound resonating and echoing throughout.

The cloud seemed to multiply into several more clouds and panned out across the area. It was like someone pulled an ominous glowing sheet across the sky. Then all at once, every single cloud released a downpour of rain down on us. The force of the rain nearly knocked me off of the steel beam I was standing on. I had to throw my arms in front of my face despite the sharp pain in both of them to brace against the unbearably high winds that began blowing.

"It's a maelstrom!" Lilly shrieked.

"It's worse than that Lilly… IT'S A HURRICANE!" I shouted over the deafening thunder. I looked back at her but was quickly met with a shoe thrown at my face (which was backed by the force of the wind… I hate the world…). "OW! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?!"

"DON'T LOOK AT ME! I'M WEARING A WHITE SHIRT!"

"Wha- HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND- Oh, I get it now. Wetness plus white shirt equals clingy boobies-

"SHUT UP!" I knew that if I looked at her that she'd probably blushing… and throwing another shoe at my face.

"RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" Darkrai bellowed savagely, his voice still having that echoing quality... How the hell does he do that? Must be a legendary pokemon thing… "I'VE HAD ENOUGH! YOUR DEATH IS ENGRAVED INTO DESTINY'S BOOKS AND I AM THE PEN!" He roared with a hint of mania behind his voice. Rampardos just smirked up at his rival, still itching for a fight.

(Bring it bitch! Y'know what? I'll humor you. Go ahead, hit me!) He gloated.

"_With pleasure_… I hope you don't mind waiting a while though…"

(Take all the time you need _Darky_. It won't make a difference…) Rampardos replied making Darkrai wince at the terrible nickname (It just occurred to me that that could be a racist joke too XD). Darkrai clapped his hands together, making an echoing noise louder than the surrounding thunder and rain pounding against Hazard Wheel.

"THUNDER, THUNDER, TEAR THIS WORLD ASUNDER!" Darkrai screamed. The claps of thunder immediately stopped as if they became tame to Darkrai's call. Darkrai began to ascend higher and higher, twirling around and moving his arms around in some sort of ritualistic dance…

The following chant/poem thing shall be done in this format because it would just look weird in a paragraph… this demonic poem/chant thingy came to me during a slight bout of depression a few weeks ago. When I wrote it down I was like, "Oh god… I think I've become emo… Hey… It would be cool if Darkrai chanted this during the fight!... Where do we keep the razor blades again? I want to cut my wrists…" Thank god I eventually got over what was ailing me…)

Lightning, lightning, strongest of them all

Come forth, answer, bend to my call

Strike them down, O Serpent of Eden

Wicked light, coil of pride, swallow these heathens

Though I am lowly, hear my plight

Aid me in conquest, O piercer of the night

Darkness and Light, together as one!

Apart we fail, together the war is won!

I, consumer of all, mask of the stars!

You, spear of rage, Heaven's battle scar!

BE MY FUEL, MY WEAPON OF HATE!

AID ME IN BATTLE, HELP ME EVISCERATE!

THUNDER, THUNDER, TEAR THE WORLD ASUNDER!

"…What is this? Friggin' black magic? This fight is making less sense every second…" I thought. I looked up. All the electricity stored up in the clouds stopped and at Darkrai's command, began to cluster and circle around him. It was too hot and blinding to look at but from what I could see before I shielded my, the electricity was forming together to form some kind of giant serpent that coiled around Darkrai…

(I'm _so_ impressed Darky. All that crap just for a simple Thunder attack…)

"This isn't _just_ a Thunder attack!" Darkrai thrusted his arm out and pointed at Rampardos. It was breathtaking to see the Lightning Serpent thingy soar above us, its infinite electricity singing the air around us, the myriad of colors it reflected in the carriages' windows, the frightening way it opened its fake maw… I think I'm going to go blind after this…

Contrary to the nature of lightning, the serpent moved rather slowly, giving Rampardos too much time to fly out of its path. Rampardos looked over his shoulder and smirked when he saw the elemental beast fly farther into the distance.

(Ha! Missed me!)

"Don't be so sure about that!" Darkrai yelled back. I saw the Lightning Serpent do a complete U-Turn back at Rampardos direction and came back for a second attempt. Rampardos didn't notice this until it was about ten feet away from it and flew above it just in time. '

(What the hell-)

"This Thunder attack doesn't fizzle out when it misses like it would if it was a normal attack," Darkrai explained. "Sucks to be you right now, doesn't it?" He said making the serpent pursue after him. Rampardos dodged it by rolling to the side this time. He continued to dodge each time it tried to strike, he was way too fast for it to keep up. On top of that, I noticed that the serpent was getting slower with each attempt and Darkrai was looking more and more fatigued…

(Getting tired Darky? Aww, you're no fun… Come on Darky! Let's play with your little pet some more! Tell you what? I'll stay right here.) Rampardos mocked. He descended onto the top of one of the remaining carriages and sneered up at Darkrai. (Go ahead. I won't move a muscle. Maybe your little snake can hit me now!)

"Don't do it Darkrai! It's just a trap!" Lilly warned him.

"You'll just waste your energy!" I said joining in. Darkrai shook his head and gave us a look of disdain.

"Both of you just shut up. I know exactly what I'm doing…" He raised the hand not controlling the electric beast and pointed it at Rampardos, as if he was targeting it. The Lightning Serpent was beginning to faze out the more Darkrai tried to keep his control on it. He made a quick motion with his arm to get it to strike once more. The serpent reared back and lunged forward like an actual snake would. However, it began to deteriorate and get smaller with each second…

(Ha! You're so predictable Darky! It'll be easy to kill you off now that you've wasted all your power. Why don't you just surrender and admit that I am a god?) Rampardos taunted. When the serpent was halfway to it (and about the size of an eighteen wheeler now), he tried to fly away but for some reason, couldn't. (What the fuck? Why can't I get away?!) Darkrai, who was looking rather malicious in the rain, cackled madly in response.

"I'm not the only one who's predictable around here! I knew your arrogance would eventually make you try to play chicken with me!"

(What the fuck are you talking about?! What did you do to me?! WHY CAN'T I MOVE?!) Rampardos roared, his eyes becoming bloodshot once more. Darkrai raised the arm he pointed at Rampardos before, making Rampardos go up as well as if he was Darkrai's puppet.

"Psychic's a bitch, ain't it?!" Darkrai flew alongside his attack, which was only about the size of a spear now. He grabbed it with his free hand and brandished it over his head. Rampardos' eyes grew to size of dinner plates; he knew what was going to happen…

"WAY TO GO DARKRAI!" Lilly cheered as Darkrai stabbed Rampardos through the heart with his electrified spear… Rampardos shuddered momentarily, his last few breaths escaping his lungs. He gave Darkrai one last smirk before he died and fell over the side of the carriage and down, down, down… All the way to hell… Or at least the bottom of the Hazard Wheel… Darkrai gave us his own smirk and a thumbs up. He clapped his hands together and the torrential rains and winds immediately stopped yet the sky remained blackened. "Wake up you guys!" Lilly said happily as she woke up Jenie and Grith (she had to nudge him a foot away with her foot first). "We finally get to leave this place!"

"_Finally_…" Darkrai groaned in agreement as he floated slowly down to us. He was clutching at the gash in his side and breathing rather heavily. "Damn it…" He cursed out of pain.

"Are you alright?" I asked.

"Fuck no. But I will be if I stay in your shadow for a couple of days and-

(Poor, poor Darky. You can never seem to catch a break, can you?) A familiar voice sneered, his cackling beginning to be heard. All five of us looked around frantically and found Rampardos leering down at us from the top of the Hazard Wheel. Not a single scratch was on him…

"No…" Darkrai said weakly. "I killed you!" Rampardos did a somersault in mid air and laughed maniacally.

(_Substitute's a bitch, ain't it?_) He replied venomously. He closed his eyes and his entire body flashed bright red momentarily. A blob of disgusting substance the same shade of gray as Rampardos and glowing the same shade of red rolled down his back and tail and hung in the air alongside him. Then, as if in a fast forward, the blob quickly sprouted arms, legs, a tail, a blue egg thing on its head, a malicious smirk, bloodshot eyes…

"Someone kill me now…" I groaned as the two Rampardos began to cackle madly and shake each other's paws. The original Rampardos bent over to whisper in the substitute's ear. The substitute broadened its evil smile, nodded and shook hands with the original.

(Use Head Smash my (very good looking) minion!) The substitute rushed forward at stupidly high speeds, its body becoming surrounded in a bluish-whitish flame-like aura. Darkrai closed his eyes and stayed where he was. I hated to admit it but… Darkrai was too exhausted to fight back, there was no comeback coming this time… I closed my own eyes and tried not to listen to the sound of the other Rampardos' impact… or the sound of Darkrai's screaming… or the sound of him slamming against the steel beams as he fell… or the sound Grith's barking, Jenie's screaming and Lilly's sobbing…

I tuned it all out, silently wishing that I could let go of my senses. I wouldn't have to look death in the face. I wouldn't have to smell the bloodshed. I wouldn't have to hear the sound of everyone and everything crumbling around me. I wouldn't have to taste the grapes of wrath. I wouldn't have to feel the pain… I wished with no hope that I could just numb my senses and leave this horrid place but Rampardos' incessant and obnoxious laughter served as my reminder of what was going on around me.

I snapped my eyes back open. Lilly and her pokemon all stared up at Rampardos with eyes full of hatred. She must have realized it too. If we were going to leave here with our lives then we can't hide behind Darkrai anymore. We couldn't cry or wish we could escape any longer. We had to fight the impossible fight…

"Lilly?" I whispered keeping my eyes on Rampardos to make sure that he didn't come after us.

"Yes?"

"I _have_ to get the Hazard Ball no matter what the cost. Can you guys keep him at bay long enough for me to go get it?" She gave me a reassuring smile and nodded her head. And for the first time since I've met her, I fully trusted her not to screw things up royally.

"You can count on me… Hydro Pump!" She ordered. Jenie fired off a humongous stream of water from her mouth. It hit Rampardos while he was busy gloating and sent him flying backwards higher into the air. He stared daggers down at Lilly; he doesn't like getting wet…

(You are so dead…) He growled forming a Dragon Pulse attack in his mouth. But before he could release it, he was tackled in the stomach by something orange and fuzzy. I looked at Lilly's feet. Grith was nowhere to be found.

"Use ExtremeSpeed again Grith!" Lilly ordered. Just as Grith landed back down onto one of the top carriages, he disappeared once more. Rampardos was hit with an Iron Tail (further powered by ExtremeSpeed) to the back and was sent reeling in pain.

"Grith can use ExtremeSpeed?" I asked.

"Uh huh. He may not be able to float like Rampardos can but he can definitely keep up with Rampardos' high speed attacks."

"I see… WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THIS EARLIER?!"

"My god, you're loud! And I've only been awake for about fifteen minutes throughout this entire ordeal. You can't expect me to be up to date with everything!" She said placing her hands on her hips in annoyance.

"I swear Lilly, every second I spend with you brings me ever closer to a stress related tumor… Whatever. I'm going after that Hazard Ball," I told her before carefully (I could fall off due to all the water on it) walking across the steel beam. Luckily for me, Rampardos was too busy trying to ward off Grith's assaults to notice what I was doing. A burst of wind unbalanced me and sent me careening over the side…

"DIAMOND!" Lilly shrieked. I was able catch myself by grabbing onto the edge but the pain in my arms intensified terribly. It was taking all of my strength to stop myself from crying out in pain, let alone pull myself back up.

"I'm okay!" I lied swinging a leg over the side and pulling my self back up. I resorted to crawling instead of walking this time. I stopped when I was about a foot away from the starred center of the wheel. The Hazard Ball was indented into the star like some kind of sickly green zit. I reached my around points of the star and pulled it out with little effort. I…I don't know why but… when I touched it, a wave of boiling hot anger washed over me… "That was weird…" I muttered stuffing it into my pocket and immediately calming down. I looked up. Grith was really putting up a fight against Rampardos.

Both of them looked like they were teleporting as they rushed at each other. Due to being smaller and more lightweight, Grith was able to twist in the air and out of the way of Rampardos' blows and counter with his own bites and Iron Tails as well. Looking extremely exhausted, Rampardos flew to the top of one of the carriages. He dug in his heels and turned around, slamming his tail into the oncoming Grith's face, snapping his snout in the process.

"Ouch…" Lilly and I said and cringed at the same time. Grith, now knocked out cold, fell over the side of the carriage. Lilly quickly returned him to his ball before he could hit a steel beam.

(I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!)Rampardos shrieked at the top of his lungs. Without warning, he fired a Dragon Pulse at the steel beams holding up the carriage Lilly was standing on. The blast missed my feet by just a few feet. The metal gave a weak groan as they began to snap under the pressure of the blast. Lilly screamed as her carriage began to fall backwards. Luckily, Jenie managed to keep her cool. She grabbed Lilly's hand and leaped over the side. She fired a Hydro Pump attack at the ground, effectively retarding their fall. The broken carriage toppled and crashed into the lower carriages, sending metal and glass flying everywhere and making the entire lurch like a wounded animal. This whole thing is going to collapse if this goes on…

"Sorry Diamond but I'm getting the hell out of here!" Lilly yelled as Jenie flew her farther away from the Hazard Wheel.

"WHAT?! YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE ME WITH THIS MANIAC?!"

"Yep! See ya!"

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT! How come whenever I need somebody's help they abandon me?! THIS IS BULLSHIT!" Remember that budding tumor I mentioned before? It must be the size of a golf ball now…

(Sucks to be you, doesn't it human?) Rampardos hissed from behind me. (But before I kill you let me ask you this. Do you mind telling me why I've been hearing your worthless thoughts ever since I laid my eyes on you?)

**RTJ's Corner**

I thought I was never going to get this up. Lots of things have been stopping me from writing lately (two or three projects due, a slight bout with depression, laziness, migraines, my friend teaching me how to play bass guitar for this band we're thinking of making). I have also been preoccupied with my new story "The Crimson Veils Between Us" so this story has kind of been the last thing on my mind lately.

Oh and before you get the torches and pitchforks, I know I was supposed to end the Hazard Park arc with this chapter. But let me explain a few things before you murder me. I originally planned that Dawn and Ed's and Diamond and Lilly's parts would end with this chapter. But since the Diamond and Lilly part is like four times longer than Dawn and Ed's, I had to break them up somehow or the chapter would be freakishly long, putting a strain on your eyes and eventually giving me carpal tunnel syndrome. If I combined them then you probably wouldn't see another update for like a week and a half so I thought it would be better if I at least uploaded a portion of it to tide you people over for a while. I understand if I pissed you off by leaving another cliffhanger after I promised that I wouldn't do it anymore and I'm sincerely sorry for it. I swear on Chuck Norris' biceps that I will finish Hazard Park in the next chapter. I SWEAR IT! So anyway, Read and Review or I'll sick Darkrai's Thunder Snake God thingy on you!

P.S. If you ever get the chance, read The Crimson Veils Between Us too (I'm such a review whore XD)


	57. Hazard Park part 8 Finale

Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Diamond's bad at nicknames…

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Drapion (Boner)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Grotle

Gastradon

Drifblim

Happiny

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

Well here it is, the finale to the Hazard Park arc. Oh and Yozoro-Kitsune since you asked, I am actually doing _worse_ in geometry. I basically shot me and my friend's grades in that class in the face -.- He left me to finish the project that we working on together because he had to go to his grandma's funeral. I ended up not reading the instructions correctly and turned what started as a halfway decent project into a pile of bloody excrement. We ended up getting a freaking 41 (anything below a 65 is an F) and since it's worth 2 test grades it's really an 82 out of 200. Again, -.- … I know I can at least raise my F in that class to a D but as for my friend… Well, there's no helping him now. As he put it "You've sentenced me to summer school you fucking moron! I hope a fucking crazed lumberjack comes in to your room while you're sleeping, beats your face in with a mixture of brass knuckles, splintery baseball bats, dead pigeons and Pomeranians, chops your dick and balls off with an axe made entirely out of knives, butter, feet, fire ants and Hepatitis, and rapes you in the ass for three years straight!"

Yeah… Then he just ranted out random threats like replacing my balls with panda ovaries and stuff but he'll be fine, trust me. He is as close to having A.D.D as a person can get without actually having it so he'll probably forget about it by tomorrow. Now that I think about it, this probably won't affect him too much. All he really wants to do is to get me and some of our other friends to form a band with him so school really isn't important to him… Sigh… Enough of me babbling about my failure(s), let's go on to the story…

"Damn… Can't a guy get some sleep around here? Someone turn out those lights!" Ed yelled, finally waking up again. He rubbed his eyes to make sure he was looking at this picture right. They were in a House of Mirrors… And there was Dawn in front of him, surrounded by three growing, glowing… something or others… And there was his own Vulpix trying to shoot down a mutant Aggron and was losing badly… "Uh huh… We're officially screwed at this point…"

"No we're not! I refuse to let it end like this!" Dawn said when she heard him. The glow around her pokemon ceased and where her original pokemon once were stood a Grotle, Gastrodon and Drifblim (and in its case, floating).

"Evolved…? I thought you said that your pokemon aren't very good fighters."

"They weren't… In their current states. They've actually been able to evolve for years now. However, I've been stopping them from evolving with my pokedex because I was afraid they wouldn't turn out to be the same pokemon I grew up with…" She explained; a forlorn look now etched across her face. Ed's insides twisted; it was obvious that she had done something she clearly didn't want to do and looked like she was about to cry…

"She evolved them so she could save my sorry ass…" Ed thought. "Damn, I've been using a useless prick in this fight, haven't I?"

"Damn straight, you fag," His inner voice said sarcastically.

"You son of a bitch!" Ed said punching himself forcibly in the forehead.

"Huh?"

"Nothing… L-Listen Dawn, there's not much time. I'll help you out in any way I can but uh… you're going to have to stay a minimum of ten feet away from me at all times…" Ed told her hoping that she wouldn't ask why. It seemed to have the exact opposite effect however. Dawn's face went from depressed to confused to hurt.

"How come you don't want me near you? Is it because you don't like me?"

"N-N-N-No! That's not it at all! I just have this problem with girls…"

"Hmm… I think I get it… You're gay aren't you?"

"WHAT?! I'm not-DAMN IT! There's no time for this!" He exclaimed suddenly. Aggron had almost completely breached through Vulpix's Flamethrower attack. She (yes, Aggron is a girl) reared back her fist and made it glow the deathly translucent shade of blue that signaled a Focus Punch attack… "SOUL! DO SOMETHING!" Edward shouted at the top of his lungs as he tossed a pokeball over Vulpix's head.

Soul, Ed's Scyther released himself from his ball while it was still in the air. Using the forward momentum the release gave him and streamlining his body, Soul rammed headfirst into Aggron's metal plated chest like a big green bullet. Aggron stumbled backwards, being caught off guard for the first time. Soul fell flat on his back; a small trickle of blood flowing down the side of his head. Ramming headfirst into an Aggron on roids will do that to you…

"Soul are you alright? And stop it Vulpix!" Ed ran up to Soul's side, returning Vulpix who was licking at the widening wound on Soul's head. Soul gave him a weak smile; it was going to take a lot more than that to kill him. Ed stole a glance at the pile of mirror shards to his right to see Aggron slowly beginning to get back to her feet, completely unscathed. With a grunt and a scowl, she made both of her fists don the eerie blue glows of Focus Punch attacks. Soul sprang back to his feet and raised his arm blades up in a stance similar to a martial artist's. "Okay Soul, let's use-

"Haze!" Dawn ordered to her Drifblim before Ed could finish. A thick cloud of black smoke billowed out of Drifblim's bottom end and flew over Ed's and Soul's heads. Aggron was completely engulfed by the ominous smoke. Her Focus Punches; which were the only parts of her that were still visible, eventually fizzled out as she tried to claw her way out of the smoke.

"What did you do that for? Me and Soul could have-DAAAAHHHHH!" He screamed when Dawn grabbed his wrist and began to drag him away from Aggron.

"Think about this first Ed!" She said ignoring his girly screams. "This place is too narrow for head-to-head confrontations and at the same time, too fragile for long ranged assaults."

"So what are we supposed to do?"

"Simple: We run."

"Run?" He asked dumbly.

"Yes. We need to get as far away from here as possible or at least get into a wider area so we can defend ourselves properly."

"Sounds good to me… Oh and second rule: No touchy!" Ed screamed as he pulled his arm out of her grasp.

"Ed, just because you're not into girls doesn't mean they can't touch you!"

"Huh? Not into- Dawn! I'M NOT GAY!"

"Then what's your problem? Why are you always acting so weird around me?" She questioned, the hurt look coming back to her face. Ed fumbled for the right words. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt her feelings again.

"Dawn, I keep trying to tell you. I-I-I have this uh… phobia, you see. A gynophobia…"

"So… You're afraid of vaginas?"

"What?! NO! I'm afraid of- SHIT!"

"You have a coprophobia too?"

"No! Look!" He exclaimed as Aggron succeeded to pull herself out of Drifblim's haze. She opened her mouth wide and reared her head back. A bright blue sphere of energy with sparks of matching colored electricity began to form in between her jars. A Dragon Pulse attack in here would make the whole building collapse…

"LEAF STORM!" Dawn ordered. A furious procession of razor sharp leaves erupted from the shrubs on Grotle's back. Grotle's Leaf Storm collided with the Dragon Pulse just as Aggron released it. Both attacks were at a stalemate at first but Aggron's was quickly getting the upper hand.

"Grotle's not going to win this one…" Ed thought. "Wait a minute… I have an idea!" He suddenly exclaimed. "Soul use Razor Wind!" Soul arm blades glowed white as he began to churn a powerful wind attack. The Razor Wind combined with the Leaf Storm attack, giving it enough power to push the Dragon Pulse back and collide with Aggron's chest. Aggron stumbled back for a second time but smirked down at them nonetheless. This wasn't good… It didn't matter what they did anymore; none of their attacks could penetrate Aggron's armor…

(You humans sure are feisty.) Aggron muttered.

"What the…" Dawn shuddered and clutched at her head. "Why can I hear her voice in my head…?" She thought. She decided not to tell Ed. This wasn't the time for her to start losing her mind, plus, it would freak Ed out to no end.

(I'm sick of toying with you two!) Aggron shouted. (DIE!) She screamed, a horrid mixture of metal scraping together and eerie, pulsating ringing sounds accompanied her screams.

"GOD DAMN! MY HEAD'S GONNA EXPLODE!" Ed screamed over the Metal Sound attack. He and Dawn covered their ears to block out the noise while all of the pokemon shuddered and writhed as the noise split open their eardrums. Dawn strained to lift her head up to see what was going on around them. Every single mirror in the room had cracks slowly beginning to wind through them like fissures created by earthquakes. She realized immediately that Aggron was using the Metal Sound attack to make the mirrors crack and kill them with a downpour of cracked shards. Aggron herself wouldn't get hurt but people and pokemon weren't as invulnerable…

"So that's why she followed us in here…" Dawn thought. She closed her eyes as tears began to roll down her cheeks. She knew that they wouldn't be able to get out of this one… Visions of the reflective shards ripping through Drifblim and turning Gastrodon and Grotle into mangled corpses plagued her mind. "And Ed… If I hadn't dragged him here then this wouldn't have happened… And what about Diamond and Pearl? Would they come look for me? Would they even miss me…? I didn't even get a chance to tell Diamond how I feel about…" She thought miserably.

Her remorseful wondering was interrupted by Aggron abruptly ending her Metal Sound. Dawn and Ed looked around. Their pokemon all fainted from the force of the sound attack. Cracks were now etched into every mirror in the room, like intricate reflective spider webs. Aggron gave them one last smirk before she stomped her foot down; an Earthquake attack. The mirrors all exploded simultaneously. Dawn and Ed covered their heads in their arms but it was of little use. Nothing could stop this hail storm of shattered glass; each piece reflecting the terrified looks on Dawn and Ed's face…

And then everything went dark…

"Uh… Dawn?" Ed asked opening his eyes. "Are we dead…?"

"I-I-I don't know…" She replied. She opened her eyes to see that she and Ed were surrounded in a dome of darkness. She looked up and down her arms and body. Not a single scratch was on her… She reached out to the black dome and nearly had a heart attack when she found that it was solid… sort of. She brushed her hand against the side of it and realized it wasn't a solid either. Somehow… They were in a dome of a foul, purple, swirling liquid...

"Ugh! Death smells like shit!" Ed exclaimed when he smelled the lining of their dome.

"This isn't death Ed… This is sludge!" Dawn said shaking the sludge off of her fingers.

"It's a Mes actually," An unknown voice from outside the dome said. As if in response to the mystery man's voice, a small metal sphere with an eye on it and two magnets on the sides rose to the surface to quickly wink at Dawn and Ed before sinking back into the mass of sludge. "Ok, I think they're safe now Mes."

The dome of sludge collapsed onto the floor, forming a swirling, black and purple (and slightly green in some places) ring around Dawn's and Ed's feet. The mirror shards that were supposed to kill them were now embedded in Mes' skin… er, sludge… thing. A few feet behind them was a man that was about ten years older than they were. He wore a green outfit that looked like a magician's and a white cape that matched his hair. He calmly stepped over the puddle of "Mes", grabbed Dawn's hand and kissed it, making her blush instantly.

"Terry Hiro, leader of the Alto or Alternate Gym in Hoenn, poison type expert and keeper of the unique evolved form of Muk, Mes, at your service," he greeted.

"Uh… Hi?" Dawn said now completely unsure of what to say. "Um, I'm Dawn Rowan and this is Edward Lewis… Um, what are you doing here Terry?"

"I was just passing by Veilstone City when I saw this place in the distance. When I saw those two clowns hoarding all of the local trainers to this place I had to come inspect it. I was disgusted by the way they treated these _Hazard_ pokemon, so two other trainers named Adee and Zack helped me break into the Park. We want to help you and the pokemon before this situation gets out of hand…" He explained. Dawn grinned up at Terry. They had an actual _gym leader _on their side now. Ed looked less than pleased about having him around, especially with Mes circling his feet and making faces at him.

"Yeah… Do you mind telling us what _that_ thing is?" He asked irritably.

"That's Mes," Terry replied simply.

"No. A toddler spilling milk all over the floor is a mess. Britney Spears is a mess. The liquid substance I made in my pants when I saw that thing is a mess. Now, tell me what the fuck is that thing!" Mes shaped himself from a puddle to what can _almost_ be considered an actual body. Mes was very much like a Muk in regard to its shape but Mes was vastly different (and scary looking). It had patches of black and green sludge mixed in with the dark purple and crimson eyes. It had three twisting, extending and retracting arms made out of the same sludge that made up the rest of its body, Floating along its ever changing form were a pair of Magnemite whose eyes darted around the room constantly.

"Like I said before, Mes is the evolved form of Muk and the only one of its kind. How is that possible, you might ask? Well, it all started when, while traveling and collecting badges in Kanto, my native region, I found a small, black magnet on the ground containing a glass tube filled with a purple liquid fitted between the poles. I showed my Muk the item, and to my surprise it started to glow when it touched it. I was puzzled, as I assumed that Muk was the final form of Grimer. I later took Mes here with me to a Pokemon laboratory, and they examined a sample of its DNA to find out what was in that magnet's glass tube. I found out that certain genes in the liquid had interacted with Muk's own genetic structure, shaping the DNA in its body into a different form, what you see now. Hmm… I feel like I've given this explanation before…"

Me: Behold the amazing power of copy and paste!

"Did anyone else hear that?" Ed asked.

"Hear what?"

"Nevermind…"

"This is so fascinating!" Dawn exclaimed overcoming her shyness and examining Mes from head to its nonexistent toes. "Terry, you _have_ to show Mes to my grandfather, Prof. Rowan! His research on the evolutions of pokemon would sky rocket!" Terry smiled kindly but still shook his head.

"Sorry Dawn but Mes has already been probed enough for one lifetime. You don't how much I did to keep the initial researchers from publishing their findings…"

"Aww… That's a shame. Grandpa would have loved to meet Mes."

(Ahem!) Aggron interrupted. (Hello? Highly murderous Aggron on the loose here!) Terry stepped forward, his cape flowing a little, with Mes gelatinously following behind him.

"This shouldn't take very long… Go Mes!" He commanded thrusting out an arm. Mes rushed forward at a much faster than expected speed with two of its three arms raised just as Aggron ran forward with her dual Focus Punches raised. Mes caught both attacks in each hand and for a moment both fighters were locked into a stalemate; neither one being able to push past the other. "Use your own Focus Punch Mes!" Mes' third arm suddenly burst out of its chest and delivered a glowing uppercut to Aggron's jaw, sending her sprawling on to her back.

"Damn you guys are good," Ed thought out loud. Terry smirked and pulled a strand of his snow white hair out of his eyes.

"You haven't seen anything yet," he said as Aggron slowly began to get back on her feet. A notable dent was in her jaw plate now. Furious at Mes for genuinely hurting her, she stomped her foot down, triggering a second Earthquake attack. "Mes! Use Magnet Rise!"

"Huh?" Both Dawn and Ed said. Mes didn't look like it was capable of doing that move… But Magnemites sure as hell can. Just before the Earthquake attack hit it, Mes' Magnemites both emitted waves of electricity out that formed a ball around Mes and caused it to defy gravity itself.

"Mes is full of surprises, isn't he? Triple Focus Blast!" Terry commanded. Each of Mes' arms extended and a globe of pulsating blue energy formed in each one. Mes fired them off, each one hitting Aggron directly in the chest. "Hold her while she's down!" Mes returned to its completely liquid form and slithered after Aggron. Like a snake it coiled around Aggron's entire body. Aggron tried as hard as she could do to rip the mass of sludge off of her; they had to do something now while she was distracted. "… What are you two waiting for?" Terry asked. Dawn and Edward just gave him looks of dumbfounded confusion. "What are you looking at me for? Quit goggling at me like idiots and throw a pokeball at it! Mes can't hold her forever!"

Both trainers tossed a pokeball over Terry's head. In retaliation, Aggron pulled Mes off of her face long enough to shoot a Dragon Pulse from her mouth. The blast completely disintegrated Ed's pokeball but Dawn's managed to keep going and peg Aggron against her forehead. Aggron was forcibly ripped out of Mes' grasp and fell to the floor among the scattered mirror shards. It shook-

"Our turn!" Alistair suddenly interjected.

What the hell? We're not getting to you and Alex yet!

"Oh yes we are. Pearl made us the official plot interrupters. We get to bump our segments into the plot whenever we want now," Alex explained.

But we're just getting to the best part!

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dawn catches the freaky Aggron, they all leave the Mirror Labyrinth and eat funnel cake to celebrate, blah, blah, blah… Now it is our turn!" Alistair shouted. He then turned to their good friend Michael Jackson (who still hasn't found anything better to do besides hang out with them). "So Michael, here's the question our listeners have been practically _begging_ to ask-

"Dude, I thought all of our listeners were threatening to slit our necks open if we didn't get off the air…" Alex said.

"… Alex, just sit in your little corner and be quiet… Anyway Michael, the question on everybody's mind is this: Why the hell did you turn white? Why the hell did you reduce your blackness (and masculinity) to that of a Puerto Rican woman who's only one shade away from being an albino like me?"

Before he could answer, Ringo, Dingo and Mr. Spooge-Drinker suddenly came out of nowhere and kicked the door to their studio open. Each one of them was carrying a pistol in both hands… and was wearing nothing but thongs… Alistair and Alex sprang to their feet as soon as they recognized Mr. Spooge Drinker and each whipped out a pokeball.

"Why are you assholes here?... And why are you in thongs?" Alex asked.

"You two have managed to damage our company so bad that we're forced to whore ourselves just to buy a pack of gum!"

"We fucked them up that bad in one afternoon?" Alex asked looking at Alistair.

"Seems like it…"

"Dude… WE'RE GODS!"

"Damn right we are! We should use the radio's power to spread our influence all over the world! Then we can destroy the lives of everyone we don't like!"

"And we'll be able to get kick ass bands like us and Seether to play every day!"

"Even better than Seether my friend, we could maybe even get Breaking Benjamin!"

"Or maybe even Avenged Sevenfold!"

"YES! I LOVE AVENGED SEVENFOLD WITH A BURNING ORGASMIC PASSION!"

"ME TOO! EVERYTIME I LISTEN TO THEIR SONGS MY EARS SPOOGE RIVERS OF LYRICAL EUPHORIA!"

"WHY ARE WE YELLING?!

"I DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S FUN!"

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Spooge-Drinker roared. "I would rather just nuke you two off of the face of the Earth but my assistant Dingo is too much of a pussy to get them for me!"

"I told you a thousand times already, it's against the law-

"I AM ABOVE THE LAW! Listen to me you little bastard sons of bastards; I am going to tell you this only once. I like having a mansion. I like having a swimming pool in my closet. I like having a robot butler breast feeding me and serving me crepes all day. I like having butt sex with hopeful young artists such as yourselves and exploiting their talents to make my millions. I like having a personal vanguard of male Estonian prostitutes/foot soldiers chained up in my basement-

"Wait a minute," Ringo said putting down his guns. "You have a personal army… in your _basement_? Why didn't you send them in to kill these guys instead of waiting so long to get nukes?"

"SHUT UP! I'M RANTING OVER HERE! Now where was I…? Oh yeah, to make a long story short, I _love_ being the rich bastard that I am. You two are going to _pay_ for what you did!... Literally!"

"Huh?" Both boys, Ringo, Dingo and Michael Jackson said at the same time.

"Don't play dumb! You two are going to pay us fifty billion dollars by Saturday or I'm sending in my army of Estonian prostitute/ foot soldiers to crush you, this radio station and your little white balls!"

"…But why didn't you just send them in _before _we came?" Dingo protested. "Y'know, kill these two off and _then_ get our billions back by appealing to new stock holders?"

"Yeah, and what's the point of giving them a ransom and a deadline? They're obviously not going to pay it," Ringo added.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! I AM THE ONE WHO CALLS THE SHOTS HERE!"

"But boss-

"THERE SHALL BE NO "BUTS" IN THIS CONVERSATION UNLESS _I_ AM THE ONE FONDLING THEM! Now one of you give me a piggy back ride to the escalade!"

"… What escalade? We don't even have enough fucking money to buy gas!"

"WHY DO I HEAR YOU TALKING WHEN YOU SHOULD BE GIVING ME A PIGGY BACK RIDE?!" Both cronies sighed and bent over. Instead of just one, it took both of them to carry the combined weight of Mr. Spooge-Drinker. He took one last look into the room, spat on the floor and said "Saturday. 50 billion or die!" He then slammed the door shut so hard that a stack of their CDs fell to the ground and shattered.

"Uh… Alex?" Alistair said.

"Yeah Al?"

"What day is it?"

"Thursday."

"...Fuck!"

"Don't panic dude! I'm sure our good friend Michael Jackson will be able to send a couple of billions our way. Right Michael?"

"Hee hee…"

"I didn't quite catch that. What did he say?" Alistair asked.

"Um… He said that we can go fuck ourselves and if we ever ask again then we can go suck his glitter coated nuts…"

"… RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! TESTICLE WARTS!"

"Testicle warts?"

"Yeah, it's the new thing I say when I'm extremely PO'ed. What do you think?"

"Eh… I'm neither here nor there on it…"

"TESTICLE PASTE!"

"That's…better?"

"Okay, enough with those two degenerates… Can we please get to my part before the tumor in my brain explodes?" Diamond complained.

But you don't have a tumor in your brain. You're just imagining things.

"Well, I'm likely to develop one with all the shit that happens to me…"

Oh boy, if you think this is shit then you'll probably develop full blown cancer at the stuff you're gonna go through after this.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

Remember when I said that I'm _really_ looking forward to the chapter after this one? And how two of the characters will never be the same? Maybe one of those characters is you…

"Uh… What?! Y-Y-You're not serious are you?"

Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. We won't know until we get through this incredibly long chappie.

"But I want to know now!"

Silence mortal! Now stop talking to me and get your ass back into the battlefield!

"I hate you RTJ…"

Meanwhile at the Hazard Wheel…

(Answer me human! Why the hell have I been hearing your thoughts? And don't pretend like you can't understand me either, your mind has already told me that you can understand me perfectly.) Rampardos asked for a second time, now slowly descending to the steel beam I was standing on. There was no where to run and nowhere to hide this time. I had no other choice but to fight back somehow, even if it killed me. This thing can't be allowed to run loose… When Rampardos was about twenty feet above me, I tried to take the Hazard Ball from my pocket but a sudden pang of pain that rose up my left arm made me stop.

"_Damn_!" I grunted through my teeth. I didn't know how long my arm could last through this fight… Rampardos smirked at my pain and licked his lips.

(Not going to answer me huh? Maybe I should test your tolerance for pain instead…)

"N-No!"

(Then answer me you filthy wretch! Why the hell have I been hearing your thoughts?!)

"I-I-I-I d-don'-t-t-

(SPIT IT OUT!)

"I DON'T KNOW!" Rampardos grimaced down at me.

(Wrong answer…) I looked up at him. He had disappeared from sight…

In a matter of seconds, I found my head getting slammed face first into the steel beam beneath my feet. My head was locked into a dizzy haze from the blow and I couldn't clearly realize that Rampardos had his claws on the back of my head or that my nose had broken. Blood leaked from my nose and my forehead all the way into my open and gasping mouth. Rampardos moved his clawed hand to my left arm and his foot to my back. Every nerve in that arm was exploding with anguish.

(Hehehe… This arm seems to be troubling you human. Well, it's like my father always told me: A tree's bad branches should be swiftly cut, lest the rest of the tree shrivels and dies…) Even in my dizzied state, I could have sworn that was a quote from the Bible more than anything else. Rampardos pulled as hard as he could, as if he was trying to rip my arm out of its socket. I screamed at the top of my lungs. It was the worst pain I had ever experienced.

"STOP! PLEASE STOP!" I begged. He chuckled venomously and let my arm fall limply over the side of the metal beam.

(By the way human, I don't know who the Bible is but he stole my father's words! In fact… This whole world has been stolen from him and me!) He snarled, his ballistic rage returning. For some unknown reason, he grabbed the back of my collar and lifted me up to face him (which I could barely do because the blood on my forehead was leaking over my eyes. (I'm going to tell you a little story human, whether you want to hear it or not.)

Before I had a chance to respond, he leaped into the air using his stupidly high speed to get us high above the Hazard Wheel. I was about to faint from my lightheadedness, nausea and motion sickness but Rampardos used his other hand to grab the back of my head a second time and straightened my head so that I was staring directly in front of myself. I feared that he would snap my neck at anytime so I didn't try to fight him. From this height I could see all of Hazard Park and the surrounding area. I noticed that the crowd of trainers and the stage outside of the park were both gone now…

(Do you see what humans have built boy? Your _lights_. Your _buildings_. Your _machines_. Your _society_… None of it should be here!)

"Wh-What are you talking about?" I asked. He chuckled and tightened the grip on my head, making me wish I didn't say anything.

(I'm glad you asked, _worm_. You see… I come from a time eons before this age. I existed when humans were nothing but mere cave dwellers and when every being in the world feared just one species of pokemon… _Rampardos_! Whenever my kind was heard coming, other pokemon would just stop and wait for death for they knew they couldn't escape us! We were truly the kings of the Earth!

(Yet the majority of my kind was, how should I put this… Severely unintelligent. More brawn than brains you see… It took a great leader like my father, Black Fang, to discipline and organize the Rampardos hordes into a single entity. Under his leadership, the Rampardos campaigned across the world crushing all opposition!) He yelled maniacally, his spit spraying on to my back as he spoke. I could see it now… Armies of Rampardos ripping through forests and killing indiscriminately… Their bigger and more sadistic king watching from a hilltop with his equally sadistic Cranidos son… Both of them cackling madly as their hordes slaughtered both pokemon and humans alike…

(That's a pretty good imagination you have there human.) He said, reading my thoughts again. (Anyway, Black Fang told me every day that we, the Rampardos, shall become the dominant species, the top of the food chain! And, he and I… We would be the gods of everything we see! Every day he told me "Rampage, when my power fully succumbs to the fires of death, you my son, shall be the master of this world, the supreme warrior, a god who holds dominion over the entire universe." I drank his words in, made them my way of life. I was going to become the god of the greatest empire the Jurassic world had ever seen!... Until, that one night…) He first paused and then snarled fiercely before continuing.

(The populations of humans and pokemon were severely declining while ours had multiplied due to my father making an alliance with the leader of the Bastiodon herds. We chased the remaining resistance until we cornered them all in one single region of the Earth… _This_ region to be exact. Pokemon and humans began to fight together as one unit to have a better chance at saving themselves. Yes, human, people had to use _pokemon battles_ in order to save themselves from extinction.) Rampardos (who we will start calling by his true name, Rampage) said reading my mind for a third time.

(Their strategic battles took their toll on us but we still had them severely outnumbered. In one final attempt to save themselves, the humans fled to the peak of Mt. Coronet. Black Fang, in his arrogance, thought that they were running away and had us pursue them to the top of the mountain. It wasn't until then did he realize just how wrong he was…) I felt Rampage quiver behind me and low growl erupt from his mouth. Something told me that this was the climax to his seemingly pointless story…

(…The humans… They brought forth two champions… Two _pokemon masters_ as they called them. One had spiky blond hair and had a penchant for mating with your kind and masturbating while the other one looked eerily like you. I remember… You scowl just like him… The champions used two magical jewels, one blue and had many faces like a diamond, the other was round, smooth and pink like a pearl.)

"Aww shit…" I groaned when I realized where this was going. Why won't these damn orbs stop coming back to haunt me? I tried to convince myself that none of it was real when I heard Barty say it. I thought he was just being senile before. But now I have a freaking historical witness… I quickly dropped all thoughts about the orbs just in case Rampage tried to read my mind again. He snarled at me and shook me a little when he found that my mind was empty but continued his story nevertheless.

(Anyway… Under the orbs' influence, the true god pokemon, Dialga and Palkia descended from wounds in the sky (dimensional rips) and with minimal effort, blasted the Rampardos and Bastiodon hordes into pieces, killing Knox, the leader of the Bastiodons and my father Black Fang. My clan, my father, my whole way of life was shattered in an instant…)

(The orphaned Shieldons and Cranidos, such as myself fled for our lives before the humans had a chance to slaughter us any further. But since we were neither as strong nor agile as our predecessors, many of us died falling over the sides of that accursed mountain. Some, like me, made it out but still ended up getting trapped in the tar pits that were frequent during that age… Those tar pits sank and became the Sinnoh Underground and turned us into fossils, just mere fragments of a glorious age…)

Rampage suddenly began to cackle uncontrollably for no reason. Just as unexpectedly, he let go of his grip on me and let me fall on to the nearest carriages. I landed on my bad arm for a second time that day, making it nearly burst from the pain.

"GAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! DAMN IT! WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!" I turned onto my back. Rampage's eyes turned bloodshot and he was howling with laughter even though I couldn't see what was remotely funny about losing your family and empire. "What the hell's so funny?"

(It's just so funny that _I_, the evil Prince Rampage was the Cranidos those fools decided to bring back to life! That _I_ was the one they chose to evolve and that it is _my_ strength they chose to multiply! It's so _ironic_ that they picked the Cranidos that wants to slaughter all of humanity! Those Team Galactic fools will regret the day they brought me back into the living world!) I nearly had a heart attack when he said Team Galactic. If Team Galactic was behind all this then that means Momo and Juju didn't bring us here for a competition… They brought us here hoping that the Hazard pokemon would kill us.

"Momo… Juju… Momo… Juju… Momo… Juju… HOLY SHIT! MARS AND JUPITER!" I exclaimed. "God, I'm so stupid! Why didn't I realize it before?" Rampage overheard my sudden revelation and slowly began to descend towards me, still wearing that wide smirk on his face.

(Hehehehe… I'm going to pick up where my father left off human. But this time I get to use powers that he only dreamed of having _and_ I won't be able to perish as easily as he did. I've already defeated the legendary Darkrai. Dialga and Palkia should be no problem for my newfound strength! I'm finally, after millions of years, going to become the god I was destined to be!... But first, I'm going to get rid of you!)

"Me?! What did I do?!"

(It would be an inconvenience for me if I had a human who could understand what I'm saying. Plus, you look too much like the bastard champion that killed Black Fang…) Rampage disappeared with his blinding speed and reappeared again just a few inches above me, foot raised high.

"Aww crab apples…" Was all I managed to say before he brought his foot crashing down on my severely injured left arm. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I shrieked as he continued the act of violence over and over again until I couldn't feel it anymore. Realizing this, he shifted his gaze to my other arm… "STOP! STOP, STOP, JUST PLEASE STOP!" I begged, tears mixing in with the blood on my face. "No more… Please, I'm begging you… No more…"

(Ah, I do love it when victims cry and beg… But then again, you might prove useful to me. How about this: Kneel before me and swear your eternal allegiance to me. If you do, I will spare your life.) He said backing away to allow me to get up. I didn't get up at first. The pain in my arm was draining all of the energy I had left in me. I glanced at it but immediately turned my head away; I didn't want to look at the mangled limb any longer than I had to.

Despite being mangled and losing oodles of blood every second, I slowly, wearily rose back to my feet and nearly fainted from the slight exertion. Rather than going towards him I stepped backwards until I was at the edge of the carriage. Rampage still stared at me with that sadistic amusement in his eyes.

(Go ahead. Jump if you want. It's no skin off my nose human.)

I looked over my shoulder to see the ground nearly 200 feet below us. It would be so nice to just jump and end the pain now… I grinded my teeth, unsure of what to do. I could either jump, get killed by Rampage or sell my soul to him… I couldn't win no matter what I did. I clenched my fists together as waves of red hot fury washed over me.

Cynthia… Sharon… Mars… Jupiter… Saturn… Cyrus… Barty… Rampage… Each one of them made me their enemy. Each one of them tried to break me, even kill me, yet I always fought on. I haven't really thought about it before but my entire life has been a nonstop fight for my life. Whether it was trying to stop my mother from beating me to death, getting lost and attacked by wild pokemon with Pearl, fighting the Sinnoh champion, batting away meteors, fighting my own father and even fighting a dinosaur on poke-roids… All I've been doing is fighting.

If I jump… If I jump now… Then what was the point? What would be the point of fighting and surviving for so long just to throw it all away? That would just mean that all of those bastards succeeded in breaking me… I wiped all of the blood on my face off and flicked the drops to the side in one fluid motion. I wanted Rampage to see every last bit of anger in my eyes.

I boldly stepped forward and never once did I look away from his eyes. When I was just out of arm's reach of him I stopped. We stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. His eyes found complete fury and enmity in mine while I found only disdain, amusement and an inbred feeling of superiority. He truly had the eyes of a prince, a prince who feasted on his own gluttonous pride. And I was his fool… I finally knelt on one knee and lowered my head. Though I couldn't see it, I knew that insane smirk was creeping across his face once more.

"I, Diamond Bartholomew Barbarossa, swear…"

(_Yes_! Those are exactly the words I want to hear! Swear your allegiance to me you worm!)

"I swear… I swear… I swear that I'm never letting a bastard like you get the better of me ever again!" I shouted. I rose to my feet faster than someone as beaten up as me ever could and in one quick, fluid motion, used my good arm to pull the Hazard Ball out of my pocket and tossed it as hard as I could. Rampage didn't expect it coming and couldn't defend himself as the bright green pokeball pegged against the blue dome thingy on his head. The ball landed by my feet and shook for ten anxiety filled ten seconds before finally coming to a stop. "…I caught him? For real? No homo? I did it?!" I asked no one in particular scooping up the ball. I shook it around to check if Rampage was really in there. "…Holy shit! _Yes!_ I fucking did it! I captured that evil son of a bitch! I am fucking awesome!"

(Hehehehe… Not quite…)

"WHY?!" I moaned, all of my hopes getting crushed all at once. I spun around on the spot to see Rampage standing nonchalantly on the carriage opposite of mine. "But how did you-

(Damn kid, I thought you'd learn from your friend Darky that Substitute's a real pain in the ass.)

"Wha-Pff-Duh-Ga-Ka-Rtt-Kpf-HAX! H4KX!!1!! That is the biggest pile of bull crap I've ever heard! When the hell did you even make these substitutes?!"

(I shouldn't have to explain my methods to a mere mortal such as yourself… Don't you see human? I'm possess smarts, power, and speed beyond your wildest dreams! There's no escaping my limitless powers! Now hold still so I can eviscerate you already.) He said preparing a Dragon Pulse attack. I, exhausted and injured beyond belief, was too tired to do anything about it.

"You know what? Go ahead! I give up! I can't take this crap anymore! Just promise to make it quick…" I shut my eyes and braced myself for the pulsating blue death beam. So much for having a meaningful life…

(Oh no you don't bitch! Who's gonna feed us if you're gone?) A pokemon other than Rampage (therefore, I can't understand it) shouted. I opened my eyes again to see a big black fedora wearing raven with an orange monkey with a flaming tail on his back fly over my head… _My_ fedora wearing raven and _my_ monkey with a flaming ass!

"Punchy?! Poopy?!"

('Sup stretch?) Poopy greeted me back as Poopy began to dive towards Rampage. Switching his aim from me to them, Rampage fired the Dragon Pulse attack straight over his head. Poopy retaliated by barrel rolling out of the beam's path and firing a Dark Pulse attack that hit Rampage squarely in the chest. The attack just stunned him and sent him flying over the side of the carriage but that was all Poopy needed. Poopy straightened himself in the air and with one flap of his wings, blasted Rampage with a Whirlwind that sent him flying headfirst into one of the steel beams below us.

"Ouchies…" I cringed remembering how it feels to slam into those things… God I hate gravity…

(RAAAAAAAHHHHHH! I'LL KILL YOU!) Rampage screamed furiously. He jumped off expecting to fly like he usually did but this time plummeted even further and crashed into the beam that ran through the center of the Hazard Wheel, the one I ran (crawled…) across to get the Hazard Ball. (D-Damn it! Why can't I fly?!)

"Whirlwind technically ends the battle when used against a wild pokemon like you. Every change that happened in the battle like… let me think… _speed boosts_ are erased!" I explained. He glared up at me with clear killing intent but then smirked that hateful smirk of ill-gotten superiority.

(Hmph! That doesn't really matter human because I can easily get my speed boosts back!)

(Not if I have anything to say about it!) Punchy said jumping off of Poopy's back. (Check out what I learned in Vegas biotch!) Punchy's fists and feet (which are still technically hands) all began to glow bright red. I immediately recognized the attack as…

"Close Combat?" I said as Poopy roosted on my shoulder and Punchy began his incredibly fast assault on Rampage. Due to being much bigger and being deprived of his godly speed, Rampage was failing miserably at blocking the flurry of wild punches and kicks. "… I don't get it. How did _you_ learn Whirlwind and how did _he _learn Close Combat?" I asked Poopy.

(Let's just say that whatever happens in Vegas _stays_ in Vegas, baby.) Poopy replied suavely (He then took a crap on my shoulder… Some things never change…).

(I IZ THE GOLDEN OOZARU BITCH!) Punchy roared as he delivered the finishing blow into Rampage's crotch. Rampage skidded backwards from the force of the attack. He dropped down onto all fours and ran his claws into the ground to slow himself down. (Yeah that's right, drop to your knees and suck these balls ho!)

(H-H-How dare you speak to Prince Rampage like that?! I'll kill you ape!)

(I find that statement crass and offensive. I, sir, am a monkey, not an ape. Apes don't have nice tails on their asses like me. Speaking of asses, why don't you kiss mine Princess Ass Face?) Punchy taunted. He bent over and shook his ass in Rampage's face. Rampage roared savagely and without warning fired a Dragon Pulse, using Punchy's ass as his target. I watched in horror as the blast seemingly engulfed Punchy.

"PUNCHY!" I cried out. Poopy smacked me in the back of the head and pointed his other wing at the spot Punchy just was as if he was telling me to look more closely. Once the blast fizzled out we could see clearly that Punchy was still alive. He had saved himself by falling over the side and clinging to the bottom of the steel beam with his feet.

(Having four thumbs ROCKS!) He said somersaulting back onto the platform. Overcome by his rage, Rampage lunged forward and tried to hit Punchy with a Head Smash attack, turning himself into a huge glowing bullet. Punchy simply jumped over the attack… (Ha! Missed me!)

(I wasn't aiming for you squirt!) Rampage said. I didn't get what he meant until he slammed though the very center of the Hazard Wheel. The sound of metal whining was almost deafening as every single steel beam was ripped from their cornerstone: the center. The carriage I was standing on lurched backwards as its supports fell. Poopy hastily latched onto my back and flew us away just as it began to fall off, crash into the other falling carriages and sent metal and glass flying in every direction.

(DID YOU FOOLS ACTUALLY THINK YOU COULD DEFEAT _ME_!? NO ONE CAN DEFEAT THE GLORY THAT IS PRINCE RAMPAGE! YOU HEAR ME?! NOBODY!) Rampage roared over the bombardment of scraping steel and shattering glass. I looked down at him. He was trapped on a rapidly descending piece of jagged metal. Until now… I feared him more than anyone else in the world but once you take his speed and strength… He's nothing more than a child. Inside he's just a spoiled little Cranidos with a rotten father, a rotten superiority complex and a rotten ego that thrashes, cries and destroys when he doesn't get his way… (YOU SHOULD HAVE GIVEN UP HUMAN! NOW YOU'LL BE DESTROYED BY THIS COLD HARD STEEL WHILE I LIVE ON FOR ETERNITY! I AM A GOD!) Let's not forget that rotten god complex…

"You're pathetic…" I thought, knowing that he would read my thoughts. His eyes grew large and bloodshot at my unvoiced words as if they dealt him a personal blow. I didn't turn back to see what else he did. There wasn't enough time; if we didn't get the hell out of there we'd be crushed under thirty tons of broken Ferris Wheel parts…

(Hello! I feel the need to be rescued over here! SAVE ME!) Punchy screeched as his own platform crumbled out from underneath him. He temporarily went into a free fall until Poopy did a steep dive, bringing me close enough to snatch Punchy out of the air by the tail.

"Holy crap… We're _actually_ gonna get out of this alive! You hear that you guys? WE'RE GOING TO LIVE!" I shouted joyously. I, however, spoke too soon because, as if on cue, a chunk of metal suddenly slammed into the back of my head. The sudden impact made Poopy release his hold on my shoulders… "Situational irony is gay…" I murmured just before I fell unconscious…

Meanwhile…

"Stop it Pearl!" Adee said turning her chest away from him. After successfully capturing Boner, the Hazard Drapion, Pearl and Adee began to make their way back to the center of Hazard Park. While Adee still rode on Steal's back, Pearl was riding on the Morbid Angel and at the same time staring at Adee's milk bubbles…

"Stop what?"

"Staring at my boobs!"

"Pfft. Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes."

"Why you little… Mitsuki!" She cried. The Mudkip on her head stood up straight and fired a Water Gun at Pearl. He narrowly escaped getting hit by kicking off the ground to go faster.

"Holy crap Adee! I was just kidding! Hehe… You're kind of cute when you're angry."

"Do you really mean that?"

"Nope. See ya!" He waved to her just before kicking off the ground as fast as he could.

"That does it! I am _so_ going to going to replace your pancreas with a firecracker! Full speed ahead Steal!" Adee ordered. No matter how hard he tried, Steal was just too big and bulky to catch up to Pearl now that he was on the Morbid Angel. Luckily for Adee, the gates at the end of Hazard Avenue were shut closed for some reason, leaving Pearl cornered. But instead of attacking him, she was distracted by some commotion near the base of the gates. "What the hell?"

Lucirce and Ivan had finished their dual with Ivan winning by a huge margin. Lucirce, however, refused to accept the loss and sent Mei-Mei, in all of her bloody chainsaw goodness, after him. Mei-Mei chased him to the top of the gates for a second time. Having become used to this by now, he leaned on top of the gate and spun pokeballs on his finger tips, looking extremely bored.

"Uh… Who are those two?" Adee asked forgetting all of her anger towards Pearl.

"Oh they're just Ivan and Lucirce… You can have Steal eat them if you want…"

"Oh Pearl, you're such a kidder!"

"I'm serious… Nevermind. Yo dip shits! The fight's over, let's go get tacos!"

"Huh? What do you mean it's over? We haven't even gone after the Drapion yet!" Lucirce said. "And who's the chick on the Steelix?"

"Her name's Adee but who really gives a crap (Adee: I'll kill you!)? And while you two were off being dumbasses, I, in my sexy glory caught Boner by myself," he said. Adee glared at him so venomously that it nearly made him pee himself. "Uh… I _did_ have some help from Adee of course…"

"Humph! It must have been a really weak pokemon if it got caught by a retard like you Pearl," Ivan sneered as he began to climb down from the gates.

"Huh?"

"That's right," Lucirce said returning Mei-Mei to her ball. "This Hazard Pokemon stuff must be a load of crap if one of them could get caught so easily by someone like you Pearl."

"…What?! You guys are just trying to deny the fact that I succeeded where you two failed at!"

"It's not denial…" Ivan began.

"We're just very selective of the reality we choose to accept," Lucirce finished.

"I hate you guys…" Pearl muttered as he pushed open the gates. The four of them walked (except Adee who rode on Steal) in silence, each one of them severely annoyed by the others. Once they reached the center of Hazard Park, the Hazard Square, they stopped to look for any sing of Momo and Juju. Instead, they found Zack on his Luxray being chased by the enraged mallet wielding Vivi and Pepe around in circles. Emmy was sitting nearby and watching them with waning interest.

"Give me back my Nidoking! Give me back my… Oh just forget it!" Vivi huffed finally tiring out from all the running. She flung the mallet down to the ground, crossed her arms and pouted. "I hope you're happy Zack! Go ahead; keep Lollipops (that was the name she was going to give it if she ever caught it)! If you're looking for my hopes and dreams you'll find them smeared against the bottom of your shoes! Come on Pepe. Let's go sulk in peace…" She stormed away angrily with Pepe following closely behind. Zack finally climbed off of Luxray's back and sat across from Emmy.

"Damn… I honestly had no idea she wanted it so bad (Pearl: That's what she said). I hope she's not too upset about this…" He said.

"I wouldn't worry about her if I were you. Something tells me that she'll get over it eventually," Emmy replied.

"When will that be?"

"About three seconds ago." She pointed to where Pepe and Vivi ran off too. They were now collecting all of the balloons they could find with butterfly nets that seemed to come from nowhere.

"BALLOONS!" Vivi shouted happily as she hugged the closest one.

"Told you…"

"Terry!" Adee suddenly cried out. Steal brushed past the motley crew of trainers just as Dawn, Ed and Terry arrived. "You ready to go yet?"

"Go? Go where?" Dawn asked.

"Oh. Um… Adee and I have some important business to attend to…" Terry replied mysteriously stealing a sideways glance at Adee. "But don't worry. I believe we all will meet again very soon… But before I go…" He pulled Ed by the wrist away from the rest of the group and whispered into his ear. "I noticed that you have trouble around girls-

"How did you know-

"I'm much more observant than you think Edward. Here, take this book," he said pulling a small black book from his pocket and discreetly put it in Ed's hands. Ed cocked an eyebrow at it and read the title out loud.

"The Toxicity of Seduction? What is this, a porno?"

"No! It's the secret to my numerous successes with women. I'd read it if I were you, it could help you get over your fear."

"Uh… Thanks?"

"You're very welcome." With Adee's help, Terry climbed onto Steal's back and left quickly as if they were late for something extremely important…

"Let's see here… We have Vivi, Emmy, that dude in the hoodie (Zack: I have a name…), Ivan, Lucirce, Dawn, Ed and yours truly. And none of us are hurt at all," Pearl said. "We're only missing Lilly and Diamond. They went to that Ferris Wheel over there- HOLY MOTHER OF ICE CREAM! Everyone! Look!" All nine heads turned towards the direction of the Hazard Wheel which was beginning to crumble and shatter. Glass and metal was flying high into the air and some of them even reaching where they were (and knocking Ed unconscious…).

"Should we do something?" Dawn asked.

"Uh… No. I-I'm sure they'll be fine. Anyone up for tacos?"

"But Pearl-

"They'll be fine Dawn! I know Diamond. He won't die that easily…"

Several hours later…

… I sheepishly opened my eyes. I stared blankly at darkening skies. I lay there motionlessly, more numb than I've ever felt before in my life. I groggily sat upright and weakly looked around. It was like I had awoken in the ruins of a war torn city. Rubble from the Hazard was scattered everywhere, forming hills and mountains of cement and twisted metal. I wanted to ask if there was anybody around but my voice box just wouldn't comply…

"So you're finally awake?" An all too familiar voice replied. I managed to smile to myself as my shadow changed into the form of a certain pokemon I know… "You've been out of it for a while now."

"I could say the same for you Darkrai…" I managed to say though it was only slightly above a whisper and for some reason it exhausted me in doing so.

"You should take it easy kid. You've got some of the worst injuries I've ever seen and I don't want you tearing those bandages I made for you." I surveyed my body. My nose was broken, my bottom lip was swollen, a few of ribs were shattered, the wound on the back of my head was beginning to give me a headache, and my legs had a few scars on them… And all of the _bandages_ I had on were made out of napkins. "It takes a real man to make bandages out of napkins," Darkrai said feeling proud of this feat.

"My arm…" I croaked. My left arm, the one I fell on twice and the one that Rampage stomped on had more _bandages_ than any other place on my body. It was the only part of me that I couldn't move and it looked slightly… flattened?

"Yeah… When I found you your arm was stuck underneath a steel girder. We should probably bring you to one of those human hospitals. You sure go to those a lot, don't you kid?"

"If you were able to take out Rampage then maybe I wouldn't have to…" That was the wrong thing to say. Darkrai pulled himself out of my shadow and glared daggers at me. He still had most of the injuries and holes in his body from his fight with Rampage.

"Listen you ungrateful little shit, I haven't been in a truly wicked fight since the Dialga and Palkia incident fifteen years ago. I'm _bound_ to be a little rusty!"

"Rusty? You were flat out decrepit… Lilly and I did even better than you did. Maybe that whole 'legendary pokemon' thing is a bucket of crap…"

"I don't need to be _legendary_ to rip out your spinal cord kid."

"Relax… I was kidding. What happened to Punchy and Poopy?"

"They got knocked out by falling metal just like you did but I returned them to your pokeballs."

"Good. Now… Where's Rampage…?" I asked looking cautiously around.

"What are you talking about? That fucker's dead."

"No… I don't believe that for a second… He's far too resilient to let himself die here. Use your Psychic attack to find him…"

"I'm not your pokemon kid. You can't order me around."

"Just do it before I pass out again…" Darkrai's eyes glowed bright blue monetarily as he scoped the area with his mind. He then pointed straight ahead. "He's at the base of where the Hazard Wheel _used_ to be." He used his Psychic attack again but this time on me. We began to float together, albeit very slowly so we wouldn't tamper with our injuries. Darkrai carefully lowered me into the desolated ruins of the Hazard Wheel's base. Sparks of electricity from the ruined generator flew out every few seconds. "Be careful kid…"

"Don't buy a coffin for me yet Darkrai…" I said as I walked over the piles of metal and garbage. Eventually I found the blue dome thingy on Rampage's head half buried under scraps of metal. I carefully moved them away with my foot and uncovered the rest of his face. I put a hand over his nose and felt a small burst of hot air leave it. He was still alive. "Fuck…"

"Don't worry. I found this thing when I found you," Darkrai said. He pulled a bright green pokeball from behind his back. It had a biohazard symbol stamped onto its front…

"The Hazard…" Was all I managed to say. My exhaustion and the pain from my injuries were beginning to catch up on me… Darkrai quickly dropped the ball into my hands. I pegged it against Rampage's head. He immediately was sucked into it. The ball didn't shake this time because he wasn't resisting at all. I had successfully caught him this time…

"What are you going to do with him?"

"The only… The only…logical thing to… to do…" I croaked. I dropped the ball to the floor and raised my foot up high. I just had to smash the ball and this nightmare would be over… I stomped down with literally all the strength I could muster and… missed. "Damn…" I groaned as I first fell onto my knees and then finally collapsing onto the cold hard ground…

**RTJ's Corner**

Woo! I finally got to get get this one up! The sheer length of this thing was the only real reason that kept me uploading something like 2 weeks ago. Speaking of length, this chapter replaces Riley Revealed as the longest chapter with 12000 words this time and taking up nearly 50 pages on Microsoft Word. Hopefully I'll be able to upload stuff faster now and the only real thing that could stop me now is the final exams in 2 or 3 weeks and that terrible geometry project i was talking about before (but we decided that we're going to burn the project before our parents find out about it...). So, yeah, review or Rampage will stab you in the head with a fork!


	58. The 25000 Hits and Explanation Special

Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Rampardos (Rampage AKA Evil Yucky McDoo Doo Face)

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Drapion (Boner)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Grotle

Gastradon

Drifblim

Happiny

Aggron

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"Dude I'm so bored…" Diamond groaned. Once again he and Pearl were hanging out on the couch in Diamond's room with the lights off.

"Me too… Ooh! I have an idea! Let's watch music videos again!"

"Do we have to? The tremendous stupidity of most songs out nowadays just depresses me…" Pearl completely ignored him and changed the channel directly to MTV where "I Kissed a Girl" was playing. "Ah dude, not this song…"

"What's wrong with it? I love this song! I kissed a girl and I liked it, the taste of her cherry chap stick-."

"Enough! Not only does that song suck, it's also proof that all of intelligent and civilized society is coming to an end."

"That may be true but I don't see how two girls kissing isn't a plus."

"I knew you wouldn't…" Diamond muttered as the song came to an end. "Viva la Vida" by Coldplay started playing immediately after (I LOVE THAT SONG). "Now _there's_ a good song!" Pearl grimaced and crossed his arms. "What's your problem?"

"This song seems kind of gay to me…"

"What?! Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! You're saying _Viva la Vida_, one of the most relaxing, beautiful and multi-layered song I've heard in weeks is gay?"

"Yes."

"And you don't think _I Kissed a Girl_, the most disgustingly stupid piece of shit I've had the misfortune to hear, _isn't _gay?"

"Yep."

"Pearl. The song is _about_ two _gay_ chicks kissing. And you still don't think it's gay? And that a really good song that actually took _talent_ to make like Viva la Vida is?"

"Pretty much."

"I see… Now let me just respond by saying that you are the biggest "spoon-fed-pop-culture-since-the-day-you-were-born" little hog faggot I've ever met!"

"Hey screw you shit for brains!"

"Fuck you testicle lace!"

"Dick sniffer!"

"Cancer filled breast lump!"

"Madonna's gaping vagina flaps (yes, that is meant to be an insult… seriously, why does someone as old as Madonna still show her nasty flappity crotch to the world…)!"

"Fag drag- Hold on a second. I think I'm detecting a pattern here."

"How so?"

"This is just like how the 10000 hits special started too. You and I start off by doing absolutely nothing important, then we watch a music video, comment on it and then start cursing each other out!"

"What's your point?"

"Don't you get it? We're turning into freaking Beavis and Butt-Head!"

"I love that show! I wonder if it's still on…" He then began going through the channels rapidly looking for the show.

"If this is anything like the 10000 hits special that never really was then either someone's gonna come bursting through that door or something extremely stupid is gonna happen right about now- Just then a random tornado burst through the door and snatched up Diamond and Pearl. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON?!"

"Oh you'll see soon enough!" I, the magnificent RTJ, said as I watched from my golden palace in the sky. "Sorry about that folks. I just needed those two out of the way so I can talk to you guys without being interrupted. You're all probably forming an angry mob right now and I don't blame you. So just put your torches and pitchforks down so I can explain why I haven't put anything up in the past two or three months… Seriously, put them down! You're making me uncomfortable…"

"Okay, so if you don't remember, I explained in the last chapter that I basically destroyed me and my friend's grades in Geometry. I also explained that we were both seriously facing summer school if we didn't at least get Ds. Well, I'm sorry to say that we both failed (SUMMER SCHOOL IS AN AWFUL, AWFUL PLACE). For punishment, my mom took away the computer for the _entire_ summer. I swear, if it wasn't for my friends and my guitar I would have gone insane… well, more insane…"

"Well I'm back baby! And while I was away I planned out the entire War Zone in Veilstone Arc (which is a first for this story because up until now every chapter has been made up on the spot without any sort of planning XD). I don't want to give anything away but the overall theme (if you can even call it that…) is that the boundary between friends and foes can be broken at any given moment…"

"Now onto the chapter at hand. You see, I planned to make this chapter about Punchy's and Poopy's misadventures in Las Vegas. It would have also shown how they learned Whirlwind and Close Combat so quickly. It was halfway done but then I thought better of it because of well, y'know, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas… Ah who am I kidding? I got bored halfway through because it was taking too long. I wrote this one instead because I knew it would only take about fifteen minutes to write it (It actually took twenty three minutes but who's counting?)."

"So before we end this completely pointless chapter, I want to say thanks to all my readers and reviewers out there. I'm glad you guys stuck with me all this time even though I've made you go through two long hiatuses now (the five month one last year and now this). You guys must have tremendous amounts of patience to stick with me so long. If a story I really liked went on hiatus for several months at a time I probably would have lost my patience and gone on a killing spree by then. I LOVEZ YOU PEOPLE!!"

"Hmm… I can't help but feel like I've forgotten something…"

Meanwhile…

"Um Diamond?"

"Yes Pearl?"

"I don't think we're in Sinnoh anymore…"

"What was your first clue?" Diamond asked as the little Munchkin people circled around them singing: You're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz! Over and over and over again…

"I say that on the count of three we start kicking their asses."

"We can't do that Pearl!"

"Why not?"

"You don't know how to count to three…"

"Hey screw you ass bag! I can count to three just fine, thank you very much! One… Two… Um… Er… Uh… Fuck it! Just kick some ass!" We shall not continue from this point on due to scenes of gratuitous violence towards Munchkins.

That day shall forever go down in Munchkin history as the day of the "Munchkin Massacre". There were no survivors.


	59. An Arm, A Seizure and an Angel

I woke up in a hospital

Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Rampardos (Rampage AKA Evil Yucky McDoo Doo Face)

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Drapion (Boner)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Grotle

Gastradon

Drifblim

Happiny

Aggron

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"Wow… What the fuck…?" I groaned weakly. I had woken up in a hospital bed for the second time this week. "Can't I go two freakin days without winding up in a hospital?"

"_Talking to one 's self: The first sign of madness… or perhaps it's the first sign towards enlightenment…"_

"Huh? Who's there?!" I asked. I sat up and looked around the room. There was no one there besides me… or was there? "Darkrai was that you?" I said to my own shadow. I didn't get a response. "Hello? You there…? A simple yes or no would suffice…" Still nothing. "Fine be that way asshole!" I could only imagine how stupid I must have looked talking to my own shadow… The door unexpectedly started to creak open. A tall female doctor walked into the room. She wore thick glasses and had her hair in a bun.

"Oh good! You're awake. We weren't expecting you to be in a stable condition for at least another day and a half," She said. "That must have been one angry Hitmonchan, huh?"

"Uh… What?"

"When your friends brought you over here they said that you were beaten up by a berserk hormonally deficient Hitmonchan. Oh dear, did the blows to your head give you amnesia?"

"Um no, no… I remember now. The Hitmonchan attacked me for no particular reason…" I lied. I was actually kind of glad that the others lied to them about Rampage. Come on, what self respecting doctor would believe that an evil flying Rampardos with a ten thousand year grudge against humanity was brought back to life by members of an evil organization just to kick my ass? I still couldn't even fully believe that it happened…

"Yes well… I came in here to check on your injuries and tell you…" She trailed off and looked down at the floor, averting my gaze.

"Tell me what?"

"Um, that's not important right now. Could you please stand up so I can see your injuries clearly?"

She made me stand in the middle of the room as she checked my bandages up and down. I was getting a bit annoyed; I didn't really need her to tell me how incredibly messed up I was. I already knew about that already, thank you very much…

"Oh and one last thing…" She said. She didn't look into my eyes again. "It's about your left arm…"

"Yeah, I know it's broken." I said. I looked at it. It was more heavily bandaged than the rest of my body and I couldn't move it at all. She shook her head.

"Um… No. It's not broken… It's more like… paralyzed-

"PARALYZED?!" The very word hit me harder than Rampage ever could. "How the fuck could it be paralyzed?!" I immediately realized that was a dumb question to ask. Let's review shall we: I fell off the Hazard Wheel and landed on it not once but _twice_, Rampage nearly ripped it off and lastly Darkrai found it slightly flattened under a steel girder…

"Hold on! Just relax for a second-

"RELAX?! HOW THE HELL CAN I RELAX WHEN YOU'RE TELLING ME I CAN NEVER USE THIS ARM AGAIN?!"

"Well there _is_ still hope for you. Most forms of paralysis happen when the part of the brain that controls the paralyzed area is damaged. But in your case, your paralysis is caused by damage to the bone, nerve and muscle groups in your arm. Since those groups naturally re-build themselves then there _is_ a slight chance that your arm will recover…"

"How big is a _slight chance_ exactly…?"

"Well I've been talking to a group of experts and they say you have about a… five percent chance of recovering…"

"Five percent?!" It sounded more like a death sentence than a chance for hope…

"Well actually it's two percent but they thought five percent would sound nicer. So… I wish you the best of luck Diamond. Right now I have to tell your friend Dawn that you're up. The poor thing… She's been here since last night, worrying about you to the point of exhaustion…" And on that note she swiftly left the room, leaving me all alone.

"Poor _her_? What about poor _me_? Damn it! Keep it together Dia. She has to be wrong. There's no way this could be happening!" I walked (well… more like limped…) to the wall opposite my bed. I used my good arm to bang the dead one against the wall. I didn't feel a thing… "No, no, no! My arm's just asleep, that's all!" I then poked it with a sharp stick I happened to found, slammed the window down on it, and even bit it a couple of times (Don't judge me on that last one… I was getting desperate okay?). Still nothing…I let my arm fall limply at my side and stared at it. It was like it wasn't even a part of me anymore…

"Why the hell does everything _always_ happen to me?! Always, always, always, ALWAYS! You never see Pearl or Riley or any of those other rejects getting hurt all the time like I do! WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE LOSING A FUCKING ARM?!" I shouted at no one in particular. I had never felt so angry in my life. "This isn't fair!" I shouted as I kicked over the nearest chair.

I noticed that my pokeballs were lying scattered on the table beside my bed. In the very middle of them was Rampage's sickly green Hazard Ball. Infuriated, I picked up the ball and stared at it with all the hatred I had inside of me.

"You… This is all your fault! I should have gotten rid of you when I had the chance!" Just when I was about to throw it at the wall, someone's unknown voice sounded out again.

"_I wouldn't do that if I were you… You might damage the nice wall…_"

"Like I give a fuck about a wall! If you have enough time to make jokes Darkrai then you must have plenty of time to help me destroy this damn thing." I looked at my shadow out of the corner of my eye and didn't see it move at all. "I'm not in the mood for your games Darkrai! So just show yourself- What the hell?" I spun around on the spot but instead of Darkrai I found a man I had never seen before sitting on my bed. He had straight light blue hair reaching down to his shoulders and he was wearing a pure white tuxedo. His unnaturally periwinkle eyes were transfixed on me, failing to mask the excitement behind them.

"Hello there. How are you?" He asked politely. I thought that was a really stupid question to ask since he's been watching for god knows how long… I backed away from him a bit and held the Hazard Ball out in front of me in defense (which in retrospect was a bad idea… Rampage was more likely to grow feathers and do the chicken dance than ever helping me out…).

"Who the fuck are you?!"

"I believe I asked you a question first. Once you answer it I will gladly answer your question." I cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Uh… Fine. I'm annoyed. Now answer me. Who the fuck are you?!" He smiled up at me and suddenly got up from the bed. He strolled over to the window with his hands folded behind his back, yet he didn't look through it. Instead he looked down at the floor, his face showing signs of deep concentration.

"My _name_ is Montblanc Rosier… but my name only tells you so little about me. In that case, I suppose "_What am I_" would be the better of the two questions," he said. He looked at me expectantly. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Are you not going to ask me 'What are you Montblanc?'?" This whole question and answer thing was really starting to get on my nerves…

"Whatever… What are you Montblanc?"

"Sadly, I am not sure."

"Then why the hell did you make me ask you if you didn't have the answer?"

"I did have an answer. It just wasn't the one you were expecting. Furthermore, I only insisted that you asked the question because no new knowledge is shared if one asks himself the question. When another asks a question, the one who is asked shares a portion of what he or she knows or doesn't know to the asker. Doesn't that seem logical?"

"Uh…"

"While we're on the subject of what I am, I'm forced to ponder as to _why_ I do not know what I am…" He said. He started pacing the room and talking to himself, not paying any attention to me in the slightest. "Because I'm comprised of so many different things, it would be logical to assume that my physical presence in this world is the realest part of me… But what about my consciousness-

"Seriously dude, how the hell did you get in here?"

"Since this consciousness of mine didn't come to be in this world by natural means… does that mean I'm just a product of artificiality?"

"I could call the cops right now…"

"Or does this mean the birth of my existence brings a whole new form of existence to this plane or do I truly not exist due to my being not fulfilling the requirements needed to truly exist…? If the latter was true, then what _are_ these said requirements-

"Dude… What the fuck are you talking about?" He stopped pacing to smile down at me (he was about a head taller than me).

"Pardon my rudeness. After all, I am only here because of you. So until I begin to know what I _truly_ am, I will define myself by what my purpose is."

"And that would be…?"

"To be your guardian angel."

I cocked an eyebrow at him again. Let's get this straight… Some weird dude dressed like Colonel Sanders (AKA the Kentucky Fried Chicken guy…) going by the weirdest name I've ever heard of, just suddenly pops into my room without opening the door and starts asking random questions and spouting off a bunch of nonsense. And now he's telling me that he's my guardian angel… Yeah, I'm definitely calling the cops…

"Right… Um, my friend Dawn is gonna come up here any second so would you mind getting out of here? And while you're at it, why don't you go lock yourself up in the nearest mental institution you can find." His expression went stony at the sound of Dawn's name and turned his back to me.

"Dawn… She is coming to finish you off…" He growled.

"Huh? No she's not-

"Think back Diamond," he said abruptly. He turned to face me again. His eyes seemed to have lost that excited and inquisitive sparkle I first saw in his eyes. Now there was just a stone cold malice that I… feel like I've seen before. "Who was it that made you go to Hazard Park yesterday?"

"Momo and Juju."

"Wrong. It was Dawn and Pearl, through their insistence, that persuaded you to follow Momo and Juju to that accursed amusement park. Do you not remember?" I stopped to consider it for a moment…

Flashbacky time!

"_Welcome to Hazard Park? What's that?" I asked. The jester suddenly did a backflip in the air that ended in a split. Pearl, Dawn and a few other people in the area clapped for her._

"_I'm glad you asked me that little boy! Ol' Momo-that's me-just __loves__ to talk about Hazard Park! It's her favorite place in the world, it is! Hazard Park is essentially an amusement park but it is so much more than that at the same time," she said enthusiastically. "What makes it so unique is that every day we let a select number of pokemon trainers have the entire park to themselves. But they won't be there for the rides. Oh no, they'll be there to do battle with and capture the specialized Hazard Pokemon we release into the park. Only the strongest, noblest, quickest, and smartest trainers can overcome the odds and capture a Hazard Pokemon," she explained. When she was done, she clapped a few times before cart wheeling around the three of us in a circle._

"_But what __is__ a Hazard Pokemon exactly?" Dawn asked, trying to keep up with Momo's cart wheeling. Momo stopped in a handstand position and tickled Dawn's nose with the end of one of her jester's shoes._

"_That, my poppet, will be answered only if you follow us to Hazard Park," she said giddily._

"_Hmm… Give us a sec," I said. I pulled them both into a group huddle. "What do you think you guys?"_

"_I say we check it out! I want to see what a Hazard Pokemon is!" Pearl said, now just as giddy as Momo._

"_My parents and Grandpa Rowan haven't let me go to an amusement park since I was seven. I'd love it if we can visit it at least once!" Dawn said excitedly. They both looked so happy… Who was I to stand in their way?_

"_I guess we have a __little__ time to kill before we go look for Team Galactic and Cynthia… Besides, it might be fun…"_

End flashbacky time

"Oh man was I wrong…" I thought. Hazard Park was the complete opposite of fun… "So what if they persuaded me to go? They didn't know what was going to happen to us once we went. They would have stopped it if they knew-

"Is that so?" Montblanc asked crossing his arms. "Are you sure they would have stopped you from going if they knew? Tell me… Did Pearl stop you from fighting Cynthia back at Sandgem Beach?"

"No…"

"Did Riley stop you from nearly getting yourself killed by Hippowdons?"

"No…"

"Did Prof. Rowan stop you from going to Jubilife City even though he knew about the danger Team Galactic imposed? Did Dawn help you in the _slightest_ when you fought Malcolm on the rooftop? Did anyone even _try_ to help you when you were trying to save the town from the meteor? Did your so called _friends_ even bother looking for you when Cheryl kidnapped you? Did anyone help you when Barty's Magnezone trapped you? Did anyone come to your aid when Barty and Darkrai had you pinned to that crystal? Hmm?"

"Th-There was extenuating circumstances involved…" I stuttered. I tried my best to not believe him but some of what he said was so truthful it hurt… Why did it seem like whenever I was in serious trouble, my friends never seemed to be there or didn't do anything to help me out. They always seemed to come out on top without even really trying while I'm left to struggle meaninglessly…

"Believe me, there were no extenuating circumstances involved! Your friends have been plotting your downfall since day one!"

"That's not true!"

"Pearl made you join a potentially lethal tournament! Prof. Rowan made you risk your life for that ungrateful granddaughter of his! Cheryl kidnapped you in order to fulfill her selfish goals!"

"But-

"Your own sister and father see you as a tool to use for their own greedy purposes! Dawn and Pearl lured you into Hazard Park! Lilly outright _abandoned_ you to save her own skin! Do you still feel like defending these _friends_ of yours…? You've defended them before… Now look what you have to show for it…" He said pointing at my paralyzed arm.

I grabbed my paralyzed arm with my other hand. Still no feeling in it…

"You're right… They're all selfish bastards, every last one of them… But how do you know all this-"

"That's not important right now. There's not much time. We have to leave this place as soon as possible," he said.

"Huh? What do you mean we have to leave?"

"Think about it. Not only are your "friends" here but also Team Galactic and Cynthia. And how long do you think it will be until Sharon and Barty find out where you are…? And how long will it be until Riley, Cheryl and Marley come here to "help" you fight against Team Galactic…? Think about it. Everyone that's ever been out to get you, _here_ in this very city, waiting to rip you apart one limb at a time… Be assured. If you stay here in Veilstone you are going to die…."

"But where would I go? It's not like I have a home to go back to anymore…"

"That's what you have me for. Put your faith in me," Montblanc said outstretching his hand. I backed away from him, unsure if I should trust him or not. But then again, I doubt he could harm any more than the others did…

"Lead the way," I said as I grasped his hand…

Meanwhile…

After Dawn persuaded them to find Diamond and Lilly (who they found screaming in a dumpster back at Hazard Park…), Pearl and the remaining seven OCs spent the night scouring the city in search of the Pokemon Center. They were relying on Pearl's sense of direction, go figure… While the girls immediately fell asleep in the back rooms, Pearl, Ivan, Ed, and Zack were still restless enough to hang out in the Pokemon Center lobby.

"…And that's how I was able to ride the Morbid Angel through the eye of Hurricane Renaldo, save the princess, treat third degree burns and serve a seventy three course meal to the king's royal court all before bedtime," Pearl explained to Ivan. "So what do you think dude? Am I great or what?"

"You want to know what I think? Well… To put it bluntly, I think… YOU'RE A TOTAL DICKING LIAR!"

"What?! How am I lying?"

"There's no way you could have done all that (besides the fact you only got the Morbid Angel yesterday) because I know for a fact that there's never been a Hurricane Renaldo!"

"Yes there has!"

"Dude, if I've ever known a random arbitrary fact before in my life it's that there's never been a Hurricane Renaldo in the history of fast and violent cyclonic tropical storms!"

"You, sir, are a lying dick sucker!"

"And you're a little hog faggot!"

"You're an impotent cancerous tree toad! I'm telling you dude, there has been a Hurricane Renaldo before!"

"No there hasn't!"

"Yes there has!"

"No there hasn't!"

"You know what? Let's not skeet around the bush anymore (Ivan: Uh… What?) Let's get someone else's opinion on this… Zack! Ed!" Zack and Ed weren't paying any attention to them in the slightest. Ed was sitting in a corner carefully reading the book Terry gave him while Zack paced the floor, seeming to be deeply worried about something. "Guys, please tell Ivan that he's wrong and there _has_ been a Hurricane Renaldo!" Neither of them answered back. "GUYS! Answer me!" He marched up to Ed, who still had his nose buried in the Toxicity of Seduction. "Come on Ed; tell him that I'm right!"

"Leave me alone you little hog faggot," Ed replied offhandedly.

"Why the hell does everybody keep calling me a little hog faggot?! You know what, screw you Ed! I'm sure Zack will-

"Save it Pearl. Ivan's right, get over it," Zack said curtly.

"Damn it!"

"Besides Pearl, don't you think there are much more important things to worry about right now?" Zack asked.

"Like what?" Zack rolled his eyes at him.

"Well, gee, I don't know Pearl maybe it's… YOUR FRIENDS!" He said sarcastically. "Diamond's in the hospital and Dawn hasn't come back since last night! And those two guys you told us about, Alistair and Alex, you haven't heard from them for nearly two days now! Shouldn't we look for them?"

"Don't get your breasts in a knot Zacky Vengeance (Zack: Breasts? Zacky Vengeance?). Those guys will come back sooner or later."

"Well I'm not just going to sit around here doing nothing like you guys," he said zipping up his hoodie. He began walking towards the exit.

"Where are you going?" Ed asked looking up from his book only momentarily.

"I'm going down to the hospital to check on Dawn," Zack explained.

"Don't you mean you're gonna go check on _Diamond_?" Ivan asked flashing him a smirk.

"Huh? That's what I said."

"No… You said Dawn," Pearl said.

"Psh, whatever. I know what I said and that's all that matters." Ivan and Pearl looked at each other out of the corner of their eyes and simultaneously made fiendish grins.

"_Oh really_?" Ivan said patronizingly.

"Yeah really," Zack said back starting to get annoyed.

"What did you say then?"

"I said I was gonna go check out Dawn!"

"Don't you mean check _on_ Dawn _and Diamond_?" Pearl asked poking him in the ribs playfully.

"Uh…" Zack muttered. Realizing what he said, he turned around and ran through the front doors before the others could see him blushing. Pearl and Ivan gave each other mischievous grins.

"He totally wants to do it with her," Pearl said.

"No doubt. We _have_ to rip on him more about it when he comes back."

"Hell yeah! But before we can think of ways to rip on him, I'm going to need a cold beverage. YO NURSE JOY! GET OFF YOUR LAZY ASS AND GET ME SOME SODA POP!" Pearl demanded. The Veilstone Nurse Joy had been quietly sitting behind the front counter this whole time, not making any noise… or movements… Pearl got annoyed and stormed up to the front desk. "Hello?! Nurse Joy! Didn't you hear me?"

"Gruhhhhhhhhhh…" She groaned before falling out of her seat completely. Pearl leaned over the counter to find her twitching on the floor. He cocked an eyebrow at her.

"Uh guys? Do Nurse Joys usually fall to the ground and start twitching violently?"

"Oh my god!" Ed exclaimed snapping the book shut. "I think she's having a seizure!"

"WHAT?!" Ivan shrieked. Both he and Ed ran up next to Pearl to see if it was true. "Holy shit we need to do something quick!"

"Guys, guys, chill out! I can totally handle this," Pearl said. Ivan and Ed looked at him with uncertainty.

"_You_ know how to treat seizures?"

"Of course I do. Watch," he said jumping over the counter. "Ahem… STOP! HAVING! A! SEIZURE! AND! GET! ME! SOME! FUCKING! SODA! POP! RIGHT! NOW! YOU! STUPID! PIECE! OF! CRAP!" He shrieked whilst kicking (yes, _kicking_) her in between each word.

"Stop it Pearl! You're making it worse!" Ed screamed.

"Hold on a sec… MAKE! ME! SOME! PIE! WHILE! YOU'RE! AT! IT!"

"STOP!" The others shrieked. Ivan forcefully pulled him away from her and pinned him to the wall. Ed quickly dropped down on to all fours to check on the now motionless Nurse Joy.

"No way…" He said.

"What is it?" Ivan asked. "Is she… dead?"

"No, she's… breathing! Pearl's kicking actually worked! (Note: Don't _EVER_ kick a person that's having a seizure!)"

"I told you assholes I knew what I was doing!" Pearl said as Ivan let him go.

"Yes, well… It doesn't seem like she's going to wake up for a while…" Ed said.

"That's perfect! Until Nurse Joy wakes up from her kicking- induced coma, _we_ own this Pokemon Center! WOOT! LET'S GO CHUCK THINGS IN THE FURNACE!" Pearl cried happily. He suddenly slung Nurse Joy's limp unmoving body over his shoulders and began running towards to the stairs that led to the basement.

"Whoa, wait a minute Pearl!"

"You can't throw Nurse Joy in the furnace!"

Meanwhile…

From this point on the story is told from _Dawn's_ point of view. Repeat: DAWN'S POV

"Room 10… Room 11… Room 12…," I counted off the room numbers as I went. "Room 13," I said with a gulp. Here it was: Diamond's room. I hesitated before opening the door, unsure of what to do.

"He's probably incredibly angry over losing his arm…" I thought. "Maybe he wouldn't me there just yet… No. I have to talk to him. I didn't wait here all night just to leave now." Summoning up what little courage I had in me, I turned the knob and opened the door slightly. I peeked inside but didn't see him…

"D-Diamond? C-C-Can I come in?" I asked meekly. Damn, why do I always stutter? I sound like such a weakling when I stutter...

I didn't receive an answer. After waiting for a moment, I opened the door all the way. Diamond and all of his things were gone.

"Diamond?" I looked all around the room. There was no sign of him or even a trace telling me he had even been there… Beginning to panic, I went back into the hallway and looked left and right for him. "Not good… He's in no condition to be walking around like this… Diamond where are you?" I called out.

"My favorite dairy product? I don't really think that's any of your business Montblanc…" Diamond said, the sound of his voice indicating he wasn't too far away from me. I let out a sigh of relief; at least I knew he was okay. I rounded the nearest corner to find Diamond walking (well… more like limping) down the opposite end of the hallway. He had his head turned to the right, as if he was talking to somebody next to him but there wasn't anyone there.

"Diamond!" I called out to him but he didn't stop. He didn't even look at me; he just continued walking like he hadn't heard me at all. "Diamond!"

"How the hell should I know how they make green gelatin?… I'm beginning to regret taking you along for the ride Montblanc… Stop laughing!" He said. He was stopping in between in his sentences as if he was listening to someone else speak. But as far as I could tell, he was having a conversation with the air…

"Diamond who are you talking to?" I asked. I ran up behind him and shook him by the shoulders. He acted as if my touch had electrocuted him. He spun around on the spot to see me. I smiled up at him, glad to see that he was okay (albeit acting a little strange) but I couldn't say he was happy to see me again. In fact, he looked rather upset (and by upset, I mean downright enraged) to see me. He first backed up slowly and then went into a full on sprint in the other direction. "Huh?! Diamond what's wrong-

"Stay away from me!" He shouted back. Refusing to give up that easily, I chased after him. He zigzagged through the hallways at a speed that would have been impossible for someone as beat up as he was. He was so determined to get away from me that he pushed every other patient, nurse and geriatric out of the way.

"Sorry! I'm sorry! Excuse us! I'm so sorry about this! He's not himself today!" I frantically apologized as I stepped over or ran around all the people Diamond shoved to the ground. Diamond's mad dash had finally led us to a staircase that led to the roof of the building. As he was going up the stairs I grabbed him by his foot. "Diamond wait-

"Let go!" He yelled as he angrily shook me off and stormed through the door at the top of the stairs.

"You're not getting away that easily!" I said as I climbed the rest of the stairs. I pushed the door open and looked around. There was no sign of Diamond anywhere. Instead there was a tall man standing with his back to me near the edge of the building. He had shoulder length light blue hair and was dressed like Colonel Sanders…

"Wh-Wh-Who are you? And what did you do with Diamond?" I asked, my voice shaking with uncertainty.

"…The sun's rays gleam down endlessly, bathing this world with life giving warmth from sunrise to sunset. Can I not call myself truly existent life form simply because I do not need to sustain my life through the sun's powers? Or is more than a life source like the sun required to be prove one's existence…?" He muttered to himself as he stared dreamily into the sun.

"Who are you?" I asked again with more confidence. This time he turned around to face me though I couldn't tell if he was looking at me or looking through me…

"My name is C. Montblanc Rosier. I also know what your name is Miss Dawn Josephine Rowan," he said stepping closer and closer towards me.

"H-How do you know-

"That is not important at the moment. What _is_ important right now is my goal getting accomplished…."

"What did you do to Diamond?"

"Why nothing my dear. The only thing that's happened is our good friend Diamond choosing me as a more suitable traveling companion than you…" He said as he grabbed me by the wrist. When he touched me, a jolt went up my arm, like there was electricity surging wildly under my skin. Whatever it was, it hurt so much that it made my eyes well up with tears immediately.

"Let me go!" I shrieked. Ignoring my pleas and cries of pain he lifted me by the arm off the ground so that my feet were dangling inches above the ground. "Put me down!" He effortlessly pulled me alongside him as he walked back to the edge of the building. "Wh-Wh-What are you doing?!"

"Tis nothing personal Ms. Rowan but then again… I'm not really a person…" He said as he dropped me over the edge of the building…

Woot! I finally got this done! I swear, I had to rewrite this one twenty times before I felt it was good enough. Now that we're still on the subject, I bet the vast majority of you are thinking… WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?! Diamond lost an arm, Dawn's dropped over the side of a building and some freak named Montblanc comes out of nowhere and starts manipulating Diamond's mind.

Speaking of which, who is this Montblanc guy anyway (or in his case _what_ is he?)? Why is he so obsessed with figuring out what it means to exist? Why does he say he's Diamond's guardian angel? Why the hell does he dress like Colonel Sanders. I of course know all the answers to those questions so why am I asking them…?

Oh but before we go, if anyone's interested, I named him C. Montblanc Rosier because "Montblanc" means White Mountain in French and "Rosier" the name of a lesser known fallen angel. The meaning of the C is his biggest mystery yet…

Anyway, Read and Review or Montblanc will throw you off a building too!


	60. The Sun and the Scar

I woke up in a hospital

Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Rampardos (Rampage AKA Evil Yucky McDoo Doo Face)

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Drapion (Boner)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Grotle

Gastradon

Drifblim

Happiny

Aggron

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"California rest in peace, simultaneous release… California show your teeth, she's my priestess; I'm your priest..." Zack sang along to the music playing in his headphones as he lazily walked to the hospital alongside his Luxray. As he approached the front doors he suddenly heard a high pitched scream. He took the headphones off and cocked an eyebrow at them. "When did the Red Hot Chili Peppers start doing screamo stuff?" He heard a second scream sound out again and looked up straight above him. For some odd reason Dawn was being dangled over a building by a dude wearing a white tux. From his angle, Zack could see up her skirt. His eyes grew to the size of dinner plates as he absentmindedly muttered, "Awesomeness on golden wings most holy…" He's a sucker for panty shots XD

"Put me down!" Dawn shrieked at the well dressed man. "Wh-Wh-What are you doing?!"

"Tis nothing personal Ms. Rowan but then again… I'm not really a person…" The man said as he let go of her and let her drop over the side of the building. Zack didn't seem to fully realize what just happened at first (panties on the brain, you see…).

"Oh no!" He said finally snapping back to reality. "Don't worry Dawn! I'll catch you!" He frantically tried to position himself to the right place to catch her. Unfortunately, his placing was a tad bit off so rather than falling into his outstretched arms, Dawn fell on top of him.

(LOL Epic fail!) Luxray snickered as the two of them toppled to the ground.

"Shut up Luxray…" Zack hissed. Dawn wearily rolled off of him and buried her face in her hands. "Uh Dawn? Are you…?" He trailed off as he heard her muffled sobbing. He and Luxray looked at one another. They both put on solemn expressions and nodded to each other, knowing what had to be done. Zack stood up and pulled a pokeball out of his pocket. "Dawn. Who was that guy who threw you off?"

"M-M-Montblanc…" She stammered through her tears. Zack tossed the pokeball into the air, releasing his Pidgeot. "What are you going to do?"

"I'm gonna go kick his ass-

"No!" She said. She got up and grabbed Zack by the arm to keep him from going. "You can't go!"

"Why not? I could totally kick his ass! He kinda looks like a pansy-"

"Listen to me Zack!" She cried, looking into his eyes. Her own eyes were glistening with fresh new tears. "There's something not right about him and I don't want you to get hurt!"

"Dawn I think you're worrying a little too much about this guy," Zack replied. "Look, all he's doing right now is staring at the sun. What's the worst he can do to me?"

"This!" She said pulling her arm in front of his face. Zack took a step backwards, his eyes growing wide again… and for good reason. Somehow… A large, twisted, crimson G was stamped, no, _burned_ into her arm. Little rivulets of blood branched off from it making blood drip off of her arm continuously. Upon closer inspection, Zack realized that the G was only crimson because it was made entirely of her blood… It was as if someone ripped the skin off of her arm to make some Satanic bastardization of the letter G…

"Oh my god… How did he do this to you?" Zack asked, his expression turning fearful.

"I don't know! All I remember is him grabbing my arm and the worst pain I've ever felt running through me… _Please_ Zack, don't fight him… If he's capable of making Diamond disappear and doing this to me… I'd hate to see anything to you too… _Please don't go_…" She pleaded with him once more.

"Dawn, this is all the more reason to take him down. In my books, anyone who can go around throwing people off buildings and hurting women without any remorse is one seriously twisted fucker!" He said climbing onto Pidgeot's back. With one flaps of its wings, Pidgeot lifted him into the air. They flew straight towards Montblanc at first but then circled around him a few times until stopping right behind him. This way, the only way Montblanc could run away was by plummeting off of the building.

Montblanc acted like he hadn't seen them and continued to stare blankly at the sun…

"There are countless stars in the universe just as there are countless people in the world (actually they are perfectly countable but for the sake of Montblanc's obscure philosophical ramblings, lets say that there are countless people in the world). This star, the _sun_, it is only one out of an infinite amount of stars, no different than any other stars in the universe… So why is it that this lone star in a far-flung corner of the universe, in a galaxy no different than any other of its ilk, in a solar system that's so very negligible on the cosmic scale, was chosen to provide life…? Why was this lonely, unimportant ball of fiery gas chosen to sustain the life of countless people, each with their own thoughts, feelings, and potential…? I believe you and I are one in the same, oh great orb in the sky… Our existences have no great meaning on a universal scale yet we have been entrusted with tasks much greater than ourselves…"

"Dude… You are one seriously twisted head case…" Zack said getting bored of Montblanc's nonsensical ramblings. Montblanc ignored him for a second time and continued to stare loftily into the sun. Hmm… Wouldn't that hurt his eyes at one point? Nevermind… Anyway, Zack, determined to be noticed, tossed Pidgeot's empty pokeball at the back of Montblanc's head. Montblanc twitched for a second when it struck him but just as quickly regained his composure. He turned around and smiled warmly at Zack and Pidgeot.

"Why hello there. Good afternoon. In my pondering state, I seemed to have ignored you. Please forgive me if I have offended you," He said politely.

"Er…" Zack said. This was the complete opposite of what Zack expected. He had expected something more along the lines of… a serial killer who found sick pleasure in branding his victims with weird Gs and then making necklaces out of their severed toes… Not an overly polite guy who has a penchant for long nonsensical speeches… Montblanc stared at him expectantly.

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Did I offend you with my indifference?"

"Um… No…?"

"That's good," he said smiling down at Zack before turning around to stare at the sun again. "Lovely weather today isn't it?"

"Uh… If you say so…"

"If I say so? That hardly seems logical. The weather doesn't suddenly turn lovely when I say so now, does it?" He asked inquisitively.

"That's not what I meant…"

"Then perhaps you should say what you mean more often. It would probably increase your chances of a date with Ms. Rowan," he replied with a wink, making Zack's face go red.

"W-What? How do you know-?

"I know many things, especially the feelings of others. I can sense the attraction you feel towards Ms. Rowan as well as the fear she feels for me… I intended for her to fall to her death but fearing me will work just as well to keep her away from Diamond…" He muttered, his face turning grim as he turned around away from Zack again. "You may go now."

"Huh?"

"I don't find you to be a detriment to my plans but I also don't find this current conversation to be very informative… Here have a cookie," he said tossing a cookie that seemed to have come out of nowhere over his shoulder. Zack caught the cookie and cocked an eyebrow at him. "You may leave now. Good day."

"Uh… Hey wait a minute!" Zack said crushing the cookie in his fist (Noooo! Not the cookie!). "This is isn't right!"

"What isn't right?" Montblanc asked, still with his back towards him.

"You tried to kill Dawn and kidnapped Diamond! So… That makes you the bad guy doesn't it? But how am I supposed to fight you when you're so… so… so _nice _and_ polite_?"

"…I, personally, don't think there's such a thing as evil. People define other people's actions as _evil_ when those said actions contradict with what they perceive is _good_. Therefore, all actions are good for the person doing the action but that doesn't mean the action is good for someone else…"

"Huh?"

"Think of it this way. Let's say a starving person decides to steal the food from a poor family while they're away. The thief is successful and gets to eat as much as he wants but the family he steals from goes hungry for days… eventually dying from starvation… The thief's actions were _good _for him but not so good for the family… With that logic, one could surmise that I was just simply doing what all other people do. Doing what was best for me."

"How could throwing people off buildings possibly be _good_?!" Zack asked now starting to get angry.

"It may not seem good to you but it was wonderful for me and my personal goals. I was ordered to keep Diamond away from all the people that care for him. Ms. Rowan unfortunately cares for him a great deal. That interferes with my goal greatly. So I naturally did what was best for me by disposing (or at least trying to) of her. Just as all people do."

"If people only did what was best for themselves then they would be nothing more than animals!"

"But that's just it. People _are_ just animals. The only difference is that humans have the potential to achieve anything yet they hardly ever use it… That's why the only form of goodness is the goodness one does for himself!"

"The entire _concept_ of goodness completely changes when someone else's life is involved, don't you understand it you asshole?" Montblanc turned to face him once more, his face taking on a much different expression than before. The polite inquisitiveness in his eyes was replaced with a sharp coldness and his mouth was in a deep grimace.

"No… I do not believe I do… But… I think I did once…" They stared angrily into one another's eyes, each getting fed up with the other. "You are well on your way to becoming a threat Mr. Zachary Anderson…"

"Huh? But I never told you my name!"

"I know a lot of things about you… Things you may not even know yourself… But there is just one thing I don't understand about you."

"And that would be?"

"Why did you come up here? You owe Ms. Rowan no favor so why do you insist on defending her? Are you merely trying to impress her or is there some other reason?"

"I was just doing what my heart told me to do. That's all," Zack replied. Montblanc, for once, looked confused. He cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Heart?" He repeated, sounding as if he had never heard the word before. "Heart… _Heart_… _Heart_…? _He…art… Hear…t…H…eart…_? Heart…" He kept repeating the word over and over again. Montblanc's eyes went wide and blank, his head hung low. He didn't seem to be aware of what was going on anymore… "_Gr…Gran…Grand…What is… What is h…_"He turned his back to Zack yet again and there was a long silence between them…

"What the hell…?" Zack said, probably just as confused as some of you are now (it may all seem confusing now but I swear it's all gonna make sense in the end…).

"I see now…" Montblanc finally said. "…Since you are so dead set on protecting Ms. Rowan than you shall both die together…" He said grimly. Montblanc clawed his right hand and sparks of electricity began to form around it. Zack and Pidgeot jumped back in shock (no pun intended).

"What the hell are you?!" Zack shouted. Montblanc ignored him and walked over to the very edge of the building, his hand livid with wild electricity. He pointed that hand down at the ground. More specifically: Dawn. "DAWN! LOOK OUT!" He-

"Okay, okay, okay, enough already!" Alistair said.

Oh for the love of god… Can't you see that I'm narrating over here?

"Yep and you're doing an excellent job by the way. But now it's time for a plot interruption!" Alex said.

But you guys are interrupting the story at its most suspenseful part! Can't we do this later?

"Dude, we're not called the _official plot interrupters_ because we're fans of continuity. Make with the Al and Al narration!"

Ugh… Fine. Now in true plot interrupting fashion, here's another pointless plot interruption from Albert and Alan-

"ALISTAIR AND ALEX!" They shouted in unison.

I don't care! Just get on with your segment already!

"Who said we wanted to do one of our segments?" Alistair asked. "We just want to showcase our orgasmic form of rock deification to the masses."

Oh god…

"What?"

No offense but listening to you guys play is like getting your intestines ripped out through your eyelids…

"…In a good way?" Alex asked hopefully.

No, Alex, in a terrible way… Hey, wait a minute. Don't you guys have to prepare to fight Spooge-Drinker?

"Holy shit…" Alistair said, his eyes growing wide from shock. "WE TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT SPOOGE-DRINKER! WE ONLY HAVE ONE FUCKING DAY LEFT! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" He ran away screaming, Alex following closely behind.

That should keep them busy for a while… Now where was I? Oh yeah, I remember now. Zack, could you say that last line again?

"Uh sure… DAWN! LOOK OUT!" Zack shouted as Montblanc shot the bolt of lightning down at her. Zack pushed Montblanc out of the way and leaned over the side of the building to get a better look at what was going on. Just before it hit Dawn, Luxray stepped in front of her to absorb the electric attack effortlessly. "Nice job Lux- AAAAHHHH!"

Montblanc had snuck up behind him and grabbed the hood of Zack's jacket tightly, causing him to choke. Montblanc effortlessly lifted Zack off the ground until they were at eye level with each other. They glared into one another's eyes.

"Put me down!" Zack hissed while trying to punch Montblanc rapidly.

"I could throw you off the building like I did with Dawn but this form of punishment seems more fitting…" Montblanc replied, his hand beginning to have electricity forming around it again. Zack gulped, if he got hit by that at this range he would be finished…

Luckily for him, his Pidgeot tackled into Montblanc just before he released the lightning attack again, causing him to drop Zack. Pidgeot drove him over the edge of the building. Zack looked over the edge of the building to watch him fall. Just as Montblanc was going to hit the ground, he did a backflip in the air and landed perfectly on his feet. He didn't even look scathed by the fall at all…

"Why the fuck won't you die?!" Zack whined. He climbed onto Pidgeot's back and together they plunged back towards the ground to try to attack Montblanc again. Pidgeot spread out its wings fully and they began to glow. It swooped down and tried to hit Montblanc with the Wing Attack but Montblanc sidestepped it just in time. Zack and Pidgeot weren't expecting him to dodge that quickly so they ended up crashing into the ground face first (ouchies…). They bounced off the pavement painfully before landing in a heap a few yards away from Montblanc. "Would you like some ketchup with your muffins Ms. Nipsy…?" Zack said dazedly (yeah, slight concussions will do that to a guy). "Guh… You're not going to win you son of a bitch…Huh?" He looked around but Montblanc seemed to have disappeared. "Where did he go?"

"I don't know…" Dawn said quietly as she and Luxray walked over to his side. "He just sort of disappeared while you were on the ground," she explained as she helped him back to his feet.

"He's inhuman… Shooting electricity from his hands, surviving a twenty story drop, sharp reflexes, teleporting… All that, coupled with his minimal understanding of human nature makes him one tough son of a bitch to crack…" Zack mused, talking to himself more than anything else (it was probably the concussion talking). "But… I don't think he's a bad guy, as strange as that sounds… There's just something about him that makes me not want to dislike the guy…"

"I hate him…" Dawn hissed, barely above a whisper.

"I don't know Dawn, hate's such a strong word-

"No! I HATE HIM!" She screamed, her eyes lit up with anger. Zack and his two pokemon were so taken aback by the sudden outburst that they all fell back down to the ground. "I hate him for almost killing me, I hate him for making Diamond hate me, I hate him for giving me this stupid ugly scar-

"But Dawn-

"And I especially hate him for making me feel like such a weakling!" She screamed, tears forming in her eyes again. "I'm so sick and tired of feeling helpless all the time… I hate him… I hate him _so_ much…" She said hoarsely through her tears.

Zack, for one, was at a loss for what to do. How was he supposed to know what to do when a girl is having an emotional breakdown? He looked at Luxray and Pidgeot for some kind of support but all they did was shrug at him. He shot them a look that was meant to say "You guys are fucking useless!" So Zack did the only thing that felt natural to him and hugged her.

He let go of her after a few seconds and immediately looked the other way, not daring to look into her eyes or let her see the blush on his face. He scratched the back of his head and nervously said, "Uh, hehe… Sorry about that. I don't usually hug girls I just met but um… you were crying and I-

He was interrupted by Dawn flinging her arms around his neck to hug him back. She rested her head against his chest, tears still falling silently. Zack was taken aback again and looked at Luxray and Pidgeot for support again. All they did was snicker at him mischievously.

(How long do you think it'll take for him to pee his pants?) Luxray asked.

(I think that ship has sailed…) Pidgeot answered back.

_RTJ's Corner_

Holy Jeebus, the second heavy duty chapter in a row. I'm aware of the fact that the humor level was a little down in this one but that's to be expected when things start to get a little more serious… But don't worry. The next chapter should make up for it. But for now let's talk about _this_ chapter. The whole mystery surrounding Montblanc only deepened further now that his freakish powers have been revealed. Like I said before, all of it will make sense at the end of the arc (or makes sense to me at least… the whole thing gets so convoluted that it scares me sometimes… I had _way_ too much time to plan all of this out XD). So anyway, read and review or (insert random threat here).


	61. Sergeant Leonidas Nazi McRainbowCock

I woke up in a hospital

Diamond

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Rampardos (Rampage AKA Evil Yucky McDoo Doo Face)

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Drapion (Boner)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Grotle

Gastradon

Drifblim

Happiny

Aggron

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

Before we begin, I just want to share with you all a couple things I've realized lately. First off, regardless of what anybody says, smearing toothpaste all over it does _not_, I repeat _not_ fix broken CDs and video games properly. I had to figure that out the hard way… Second, lately I've been poking around with some of the buttons in my profile thingy and two particular things interested me. And those would be the Beta Reader and Reader Traffic applications. I saw the Beta Reader thing get added sometime before I went on hiatus but I couldn't for the life of me be assed to figure out what it did. Now that I know, I think it's a pretty cool little system they have here. I might look for a beta reader soon so they could fix up the little mistakes I make here and there and help with my sentence structure (in case you haven't noticed, I'm a little comma excessive and have a slight tendency to use dangling modifiers… I'm shocked I even know what that is… I should start paying less attention in English class…).

The other thing (and definitely the one I'm more excited about) is the Reader Traffic thingy they added during my hiatus. I took a look at it and I quite literally fell out of my fucking chair and quite literally shit my pants. I get hits from like every continent (except Antarctica because I doubt penguins read this shit) and I find that TREMENDOUSLY AWESOME (hence the capital letters). I have decided to make it my duty to find out where every last one of you lives and run to you (which would be kinda hard to do since there's oceans and shit in the way…) to give you a hug. COUNT ON IT!

Now onto other matters. Aario, since you asked a pretty important question, I feel the need to answer it. The thing about Riley, Cheryl, Marley, Jack and Jesus coming back. Sadly, they're not going to come back anytime soon (put down the pitchfork!). I have so many characters to deal with at the moment (plus the seven new ones I'm planning to add… kill me… X.X), I won't be able to fit them in anytime soon. Maybe I'll do a special with them in it or something but for now their fate is up in the air. Besides, even they need a vacation from Diamond and Pearl once in a while… By the way Aario, it is AWESOME that I inspired you to make a story! It's funny… I remember saying the exact same thing you said to Tyrannosaurs Cerato a while back… You don't know much it means to me to hear you say that I inspired you because to be honest, I used to think I was the worst writer ever (sure I was proud of Golden Flames at first but now that I think about it… it really sucked XD). So anyway, when you get your story up I'll definitely check it out.

Which brings me to the next thing I want to talk about (my god, I'm chatty today aren't I? But its okay cuz you guys love me right?... RIGHT?!). I want to talk about the stories around here… Ever since I came back I've been checking out some of the stories around here and I have to say… I'm not impressed (I like Kidd Dragon's story though, it makes me laugh). Seriously, nothing around here's really piqued my interest. For me, in order to get me impressed, your story has to make so excited that it makes me say "RAWR OMFG THIS IS AWESOME! IT'S SO AWESOME I'M GONNA GO PUNCH PEOPLE IN THE GROIN REPEATEDLY! RAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH! TESTOSTERONE!" (Please note that that was an extreme dramatization… I only punch people in the groin on Tuesdays) But nope, I haven't seen anything like that in a while. If I could rate most of the fics around here then they'd only range from meh…, poor, okay, and the rare hmm-this-is-unique-please-update-soon-so-I-can-further-my-opinion-on-it-but-then-you-stop-updating-and-now-I'm-just-a-big-puddle-of-sad-goo… I like Tales of Flame though, it's the shit.

Speaking of which, has anyone else noticed that anything with the words "May" and "Drew" and "shipping" (or any kind of shipping at all) in the summary gets like dozens of reviews in like three days while the others around here have to struggle for weeks just to get that far? It took me a freakin year just to get past the 100 mark -.- I don't really get why people are so fascinated with this May/Drew stuff but _in my opinion _(I said in my opinion so you crazy Contest shippers or whatever you're called can't flame me for it), the only way I'd ever find those two interesting is if they were doing it on my couch (I can already picture myself walking into the room and being like "Uh… WTF?").

Ah whatever. I guess what I'm trying to say is _impress me_ you other fanfiction writers out there. IMPRESS ME DAMN IT! RTJ DEMANDS SATISFACTION! Okay, now that my little rant is over, let's go to the chapter already.

ROLL IT!

The whole "this Pokemon Center is under our command" thing got a tad bit… out of hand. With all of the remaining OCs up, and with Zack, Dawn and Diamond (AKA the voices of reason) gone, the place quickly went to hell in a hamster ball. Graffiti everywhere, shattered lights, questionable substances all over the ground… Homemaking was clearly not their strong suit… Strangely, no other people were coming in to the Pokemon Center at all. It was as if all the other trainers in Veilstone had vanished, not that it mattered to this odd bunch.

"Let's go already!" Lucirce exclaimed. She and Ivan were sitting at a table in the lobby together, playing poker while Lilly sat at a nearby table with her nose buried in a book. Ivan grinned down at his cards and Lucirce cocked an eyebrow at him. "What are you smiling for?"

"Oh nothing…" He said mischievously. She scowled back at him; it was their last betting hand and there was no way she would let him beat her at something again.

"Hey look! Polar bears!" She cried pointing over his shoulder.

"Where?!" He said. He accidentally put his cards on the table as he looked over his shoulder for the fabled polar bears. Lucirce looked at his cards while he wasn't looking. He had a royal flush (in case you didn't know, that's the best hand you can get in a poker game for you non-poker savvy people). Lucirce was sure to lose. "I don't see any polar bears…"

"Keep looking Ivan, they're just shy little buggers," Lucirce said. Using the distraction to her advantage, Lucirce pulled several aces out or her sleeves and put them in her hand.

"Damn it where are the polar bears?!"

"In your butt. Place your bet already Ivan!" She said. He smirked at her as he placed a hundred dollar bill in the middle of the table. "You sure you want to do that?"

"Oh I'm sure. Read 'em and weep baby- Royal Flush!" He said as he proudly showed his hand.

"Five Aces! I win!"

"WHAT?!" Ivan shrieked. "No way!"

"Yes way. Pay up pony boy!" Ivan angrily slapped his money into her outstretched hand. "Pleasure doing business with you Ivan," she said as she hurriedly scooped up her cards. She ran down the nearest hallway to her left, leaving Ivan to fume with rage.

"Damn it! That girl pisses me off so much! I was so sure I was gonna win though…"

"You know she cheated right?" Lilly asked putting down her book for the first time in a while.

"Huh?"

"Each suit's only supposed to have one ace card in it."

"So?"

"It means there are only _four_ aces in a deck stupid! There's no way she could get _five_ without cheating!" Ivan's jaw dropped.

"LUCIRCE! Get back here and give me my money back you thieving raccoon bitch!" He said, immediately giving chase to her. Lilly just shook her head at him exasperatedly as he went and continued to read her book. Just then, Pearl barged through the front doors. He was in a lumberjack's outfit and carrying a bloody chainsaw in one arm and a filthy cage under his other arm.

"Uh… Do I even want to know?" Lilly asked.

"Only if you want to hear the most daring tale of manhood ever told!" He said happily. "It all started with me finding the ambulance Nurse Joy uses to take people who get injured by their pokemon to human hospitals. I naturally took the sucker out for a ride-

"But you don't have a license!"

"I don't know how to drive either but I wouldn't let such a small detail like that get in my way," he said merrily. "So I took her out for a whirl and while I'm driving around hitting old people and orphans, I happened to see my good friend Malcolm from Jubilife City. I tried to park the ambulance in front of him but since I don't know how to park, I um… accidentally ran into him and snapped his legs off-

"Oh my god! Is he alright?"

"Lilly, let me finish my story! So, I loaded him in the back and was making my way to the hospital like anyone would. But then I noticed that I was considerably hungry at that point so I made it my mission to go to a McDunsparce's first. After running over all the other cars in the drive thru, I ordered a medium beverage, small fries (cuz I've been watching my figure lately) and the McDunsparce's special, "A Heart Attack in a Bun" with no mustard. When the lady gave me my food, I noticed that my Heart Attack in a Bun had pickles in it-

"Is this story going anywhere…?"

"LET ME FINISH! Anyway, I complained to the lady and asked her why the fuck did this thing have pickles in it. She then said that I only asked for no mustard and I was all like "Bitch, I know what I said! I told you _specifically_ that I wanted no pickles!" and she's like "No, you only said no mustard!" and I'm like "Bitch I'm three seconds away from snapping your legs off like the poor sap I got in the back! Get me another burger with no mustard!" and she's like "What the hell? You just said no mustard again!" and I'm like "No, I said no pickles you whore!" and she's like "I'm about to call the cops!" and I'm like "I'm about to shove my cock down your throat if you don't get me my high cholesterol/ lawsuit inducing food!" And at this point Malcolm's losing like liters…quarts…gallons… lets just say that he's losing _oodles_ of blood and screaming his head off for me to take him to the hospital but I'm like "I'm not taking you anywhere with that attitude mister! And would it kill you to say please?" and he's like "YES!" and then I got pissed and kicked him in his balls (which strangely didn't get snapped off in the accident) and then I-

"Okay, okay I've heard enough!"

"But you didn't even let me get to the part where I saved Malcolm by using this chainsaw to chop off his arms and then reattach them to where his legs used to be!"

"That's horrible!" She shrieked, clearly mortified. "Wouldn't that only make it worse?!"

"Possibly. Wanna know where I got the lumberjack suit and the cage from?"

"No! Just-just stay there and try not to talk…" She said returning to her book. Pearl obediently did what she said… for about two seconds. He snatched the book out of her hands. "What debase form of cliterature is this? (Yes the word is _cliterature_. First one who tells me the two words that make up cliterature and its meaning gets a small, unimportant and negligible cameo in a future chapter!)"

"Give it back!" Lilly squealed trying to take it back but Pearl held her back with one hand while he flipped through the book with his other hand.

"I kissed thee ere I killed thee. No way but this, killing myself, to die upon a kiss…?" Pearl read a few lines from the book. "What the hell is this crap?" He turned the book over to read the title. "Othello by William Shakespeare…? You actually read that ass master's books?"

"He's not an ass master!" She said defensively.

"Yes he is!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not!"

"Is too!"

"Is not- Just forget it. I wouldn't expect someone as cultured as a rusty spoon like you to understand Shakespeare. Give it back!"

"Alright, I'll give it back to you… If you do me a little favor…"

"And what would that be…?" He bent down and whispered his proposal in her ear. "YOU SICK LITTLE PIG!" She shrieked, completely horrified. She got up and immediately kicked him in the balls, making him drop the book. Pearl dropped down to his knees from pain whilst clutching his throbbing reproductive organs.

"Every little orifice is on fire…" He groaned. Lilly ran from the room screaming as soon as he said "fire". Then as if on cue, Ed walked into the room looking extremely pissed. He was covered from head to toe in what seemed to be colorful marker stains.

"What's wrong with you?" They both asked simultaneously.

"Lilly kicked me in the balls…"Pearl said as he gingerly got back onto his feet.

"Emmy and Vivi wanted to see whose markers were prettier so they tied me to a chair and wrote the word "Cunt" all over my body!" He said angrily. "You know what the worst part is?"

"What?"

"THEY DID IT WITH PERMANENT MARKERS!"

"Hehe… You got owned!"

"It's not as bad as getting kicked in the balls... Not that you had any balls to begin with…"

"Shut up Ed! I got way bigger balls than you! I would never let a _woman_ tie me down and use me as construction paper!"

"You think you guys have it bad…?" Ivan said weakly as he came in through the front doors. He had a couple of twigs in his hair and he looked slightly singed. Pearl cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Didn't you just go down that hallway over there? How'd you end up outside?"

"When I told Lucirce to give me my money back she set me on fire and pushed me out of a second story window…"

"That does it!" Pearl said angrily. "Gentleman… and Ed (Ed: HEY!), we've gotten our asses kicked by women for the last time! We're _dudes_ for Christ's sake! We shouldn't be letting those breast donkeys set us on fire, kick us in the balls and draw all over us! They should be making us our dinners, rubbing our feet and sticking their thumbs in our assholes when we want a little prostate fondling without feeling like a faggot!"

"Um… What?" Ed asked.

"Oh nothing…"

"He's right!" Ivan said. "Except for that last part… We have to get even with those chicks!"

"And I think I know just the way to do it… To the basement!" Pearl said.

"We told you already, you're not allowed to go back to the basement until you learn that chucking people in the furnace is rude and illegal," Ed said.

"I'm not gonna chuck anyone in the furnace! I just want to show you guys the ten metric tons of paintball equipment down there!" He said before running off towards the stairs that led to the basement. Ivan and Ed both gave each other looks of confusion.

"Ten metric tons…" Ed started.

"Of paintball equipment…?" Ivan finished. They ran down to the basement after Pearl. When they reached the bottom of the stairs, Ivan turned on the light switch and looked around. Pearl was actually right for once. Large crates of paintball guns and paintballs were lined up all along the walls and stacked all the way up to the ceiling.

"Dude… How did we miss all this the last time we came here?" Ed asked.

"I seem to remember us being too busy trying to stop a little fucker, who goes by the name of Pearl, from tossing a certain Nurse Joy in the furnace!" Ivan replied sarcastically. "Anyway, a better question would be why the hell does Nurse Joy keep all this stuff here? It's not like _she's_ got any use for them…"

"That's enough idle chit chat privates!" Pearl said authoritatively. He turned around to face them to reveal that he was wearing sunglasses and a black cape with the words "Orgy Homicide" written on the back.

"How'd you change your clothes so fast-OW!" Ed shrieked as Pearl/Orgy shot him in the chest with one of the paintball guns. "What the fuck man?!"

"Now that you troops are under my command, you will do as I say without question. Do I make myself clear privates?"

"Did you forget to take your medicine or something-SHIT!" Ivan screamed as Pearl shot him in the knee cap. "Quit doing that Pearl-OW!" Pearl shot him for a second time.

"When I'm in this form you may only address me as Orgy Homicide… But not for long! Because when it comes to the skillful art of revenge, Orgy Homicide doesn't cut it anymore! It's time to take it to the next level!"

"He's lost it… Should we start running?" Ed whispered to Ivan.

"Possibly…"

"Delay that whispering soldiers! I can't gather my sexy energy with your constant whispering!"

"Sexy energy? Dude what the hell are you talking about?" Ivan asked as Pearl/Orgy began to glow.

What? ORGY HOMICIDE is evolving?

…

…

…

TADA! ORGY HOMICIDE evolved into SERGEANT LEONIDAS NAZI McRAINBOWCOCK!

The only difference between Orgy Homicide and Sergeant Leonidas Nazi McRainbowCock (don't ask… just don't…) was that the good Sergeant wore a military uniform. He still wore the sunglasses and the cape of Orgy Homicide but his hair was less spiky and more slicked back.

"Like a Butterfree casting off its Metapod shell, lo and behold! I have become Sergeant McRainbowCock!"

"…That's it. I'm out of here," Ed said making his way towards the stairs. "This story's getting way too weird for me…"

"Oh no you don't!" The Sergeant roared. He shot Edward in the back of the leg as he was going up the stairs. The shot caused him to fall backwards and land painfully back onto the basement's cold, hard cement floor.

"There are not enough curse words in the English dictionary to accurately convey how much I hate you right now Pearl-OW! SON OF A BITCH!" He screamed. Pearl had shot him again, this time in the shin. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"

"You did not call me by my proper name!"

"What? Pearl? OW!"

"I'm gonna keep shooting you until you call me by my name!"

"But your name's Pearl-GAH! Wait a minute… Are you talking about that stupid Sergeant McRainbowCock shit-AGH! STOP THAT!"

"When you are my underling you shall call me by my _full_ name!"

"You mean that stupid Sergeant Leonidas Nazi McRainbowCock-OW!"

"Correct!"

"THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU SHOOT ME AGAIN?!"

"You called my name stupid. That hurt my feelings!"

"I'LL HURT MORE THAN YOUR FEELINGS!" Ed shouted, finally getting pushed over the edge. He jumped back on to his feet and took a swipe at the Sergeant. However, the Sergeant side stepped it and shot Ed in the groin nonchalantly. Ed fell back to the floor, unmoving and stiff as a board as he grabbed his ailing crotch. Ivan nudged him with his foot.

"I think you broke him dude-I-I mean Sergeant Leonidas Nazi McRainbowCock!" He added hastily just before the Sergeant shot him too.

"No matter. We can leave him here for a while we proceed with my plan to get back at the girls."

"And what exactly is your plan-

"All in due time soldier. But first, put on these sunglasses," he ordered, handing over the sunglasses. Ivan looked at them cautiously.

"What for?"

"My evolutions are allowed possible due to my sunglasses and preposterous amounts of sexy energy. Likewise, I can sense a tremendous amount of pure awesomeness radiating off of you."

"Hehe… Well I _am_ pretty awesome aren't I?"

"So awesome in fact, that I think you can evolve just like me. Try them on…" Sergeant McRainbowCock insisted. Ivan wearily but steadily put them closer to his face…


	62. Lady Vanity

I woke up in a hospital

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Rampardos (Rampage AKA Evil Yucky McDoo Doo Face)

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Drapion (Boner)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Grotle

Gastradon

Drifblim

Happiny

Aggron

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"Oh fuck my life…" I groaned as I woke up for the second time today. I looked around to find myself sitting in a dumpster at the end of an alley. By now it was well into the night time. "How the hell did I get here…?" The last thing I remembered was running away from Dawn and going up to the roof of the Veilstone Hospital. Montblanc was there and he held out his hand for me. I grabbed it but couldn't remember anything after that… "Wow today sucks," I grumbled as I lifted myself out of the dumpster (which was kind of hard to do since I only have one functional arm now). As my feet touched the ground I began to assess my situation.

"Okay. I'm a severely injured fifteen year old male who's lost function in his left arm and I've recently left my fate in the hands of some weirdo named Montblanc. I have no idea where I am, my pokemon beat the crap out of me and shit on me on a regular basis, Darkrai seems to have disappeared, and I've left all my friends behind… Yep. It's official. I'm utterly screwed…" I concluded. I began to walk out of the alley; there was no point in staying around to get felt up by stray Meowths and hobos… As I rounded the nearest corner I felt a tug on the back of my collar that pulled me down to the ground and onto my back. "FUCK!" I screeched out of pain. I looked up to see Montblanc smiling down at me.

"Why hello there Diamond. How are you this evening?" He asked complacently.

"Oh I'm feeling just dandy," I replied sarcastically. "My world is all kittens and fucking rainbows!"

"That's good," he said, not realizing the hostility in my voice. He helped me back to my feet. I glared at him while he just smiled happily. "What?"

"Where were you? Where are we? How did we get here? What's going on?" I asked one after the other. He patted me on the head.

"Relax Diamond. I don't find it necessary to answer all of your questions but I will tell you that we are still in Veilstone City. Come, follow me," he said conclusively before walking ahead of me. I stayed where I was and cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Follow you where?" He looked over his shoulder to grin at me.

"To Eden," he said simply before walking again. With nothing better to do, I began to follow him, unsure of what was going to happen… We walked side by side in silence, each of us lost in our own thoughts. I kept thinking about Dawn and Pearl the whole time, a part of me wanted to go back with them but at the same time couldn't ignore what Montblanc said about them. But was walking around in the cold lonely streets with someone I don't know really know worse than being with them…? Montblanc stopped walking and grabbed my shoulder.

"Diamond, what is a heart?" He asked suddenly. I cocked an eyebrow at him; where the hell did that question come from?

"Huh?"

"Yes. While you were away I met this boy named Zack who said that he "just follows his heart". After that I felt very strange and began to say things that didn't make sense to me (shocker, shocker…). So I wonder, what power does a "heart" have if it is able to have such an effect on me?" I considered the question for a moment.

"Well… A heart is the organ that pumps throughout the body but what Zack meant is completely different… What he meant was…" I trailed off, struggling to find the words. How the hell are you supposed to explain what a heart is to a guy like this? "A heart is like a box I guess."

"A box?"

"Yeah. It holds all of your emotions inside of it…" I said piecing together my thoughts. "…And when you open your heart to other people, a piece of their heart goes inside of your own and that person becomes a friend… or a lover I guess…" My god that was the cheesiest thing I've ever said… I looked down at my shoes, suddenly feeling very melancholy…

"So what does it mean to follow your heart?"

"It means doing what you know for sure is the right thing to do and being willing to do anything to do it." He smiled at me and popped a cookie in my mouth that seemed to come from nowhere. Taken aback, I spat the cookie out and tossed it back at him. "What the hell man?!"

"You're wise beyond your years Diamond," he complimented. "May I ask, am I in your heart as well?"

"Uh…" I hesitated because that had to be the gayest question I've ever heard (except for that time Pearl asked me if I could stick a twig up his ass… he was very high at the time). "Um… Sure I guess…"

"So does that mean I am your friend too?"

"Uh yeah… I guess so." He smiled broadly and put his hands on my shoulders.

"Thank you my friend," he said sincerely but for what I don't know… Suddenly he tensed up and looked angry all of a sudden. He looked around apprehensively.

"What's wrong now? Is your spidey sense acting up or something?" I asked sarcastically.

"A great evil walks among us…" He said ominously…

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to us, we were being watched closely from above by two strange looking girls and a certain blond haired bitch we all know... Up above on a rooftop across the street, Cynthia and her two "friends" spied on me and Montblanc with high powered binoculars.

"Is that the one you told us about? The one named Diamond?" The older looking girl asked. She looked about sixteen years old. She had long black hair with purple streaks going through it, violet eyes and was wearing a skin tight purple jumpsuit. Her companion was about twelve years old and had blond hair that was tied back into a pony tail. She had pale blue eyes with large bags under them from lack of sleep. She wore a raggedy light blue shirt and baggy jeans. Her shirt was too big for her, it was hanging by her shoulders and the sleeves were trailing on the ground.

"Yep, that's the little bastard. I'm not sure who that other guy is but it shouldn't make a difference," Cynthia said. Make sure to kill him as well. I don't want anyone to interfere with my-I-I-I mean _our_ plan," Cynthia instructed to the older looking girl, making sure to change her words around as she received a glare out of the corner of the girl's eye. She smirked at Cynthia and hooked the binoculars onto the loosely worn belt around her waist.

"Relax, Cindy-

"Cynthia."

"Don't interrupt," the girl said so coldly that it sent shivers up Cynthia's spine. "Sloth and I are here. That alone guarantees that our little scheme is going to succeed. Unless you don't _trust_ us…" She said with a hint of malice to her voice. Cynthia stepped back out of fear (which was kind of weird seeing as how the girl in front of her was much younger than her…).

"O-O-Of course I trust you Pride! I would never distrust _any_ of the Seven Deadly Sins. _Ever_," she said emphasizing the last word as much as she could. Even she knew her place when dealing with one of the Seven Deadly Sins…

Average Joe: But who are the Seven Deadly Sins RTJ?

I'm glad you asked you very unimportant person, you. The Seven Deadly Sins are seven assassin sisters, each named after one of the seven cardinal sins: Sloth, Envy, Greed, Wrath, Lust, Gluttony and their leader and by far the strongest, Pride. They travel around the world separately, killing the enemies of the rich and powerful for stupidly large amounts of money while keeping their identities a secret (mostly by killing anyone who actually sees them). Cynthia cooperated with them once in a scheme that involved killing all the other champions of the other regions so Cynthia can make herself the most powerful trainer in the world. For whatever reason, the plan went wrong and obliterated what little unity the seven of them had together. But tonight Cynthia has called upon Pride and Sloth to help her in a new plan. A plan to kill Diamond and Pearl… Does that answer your question Joe?

Average Joe: Yes!

Good. Now get out of here Joe, you smell…

Average Joe: Aww…

"Okay, I'll leave it up to you two then," Cynthia said before throwing a pokeball down to the ground, releasing her Togekiss (since she gets a Togekiss in Platinum I decided to give her one here). She held onto Togekiss' feet as it began to lift her into the air. She looked wearily back at the two of them. "Make sure you do it _exactly_ like I told you."

"Yeah, yeah, get lost," Pride said offhandedly as she continued to watch me and Montblanc from afar. She then took a mirror out and stared lovingly at her own reflection, not caring about the mission at hand in the slightest. Sloth (who, while Cynthia and Pride were talking, was blowing bubbles from a bubble wand the whole time) yawned and tapped Pride on the shoulder.

"I don't want to do this…" She said.

"You don't want to do _anything_ that doesn't involve eating, sleeping and blowing bubbles. And don't bother me when I'm admiring myself little sister," Pride replied offhandedly.

"But I think we're making a big mistake this time. You know Cynthia can't be trusted…"

"In case you've forgotten, we're not trustworthy either. If Cynthia even _thinks_ about double crossing us I will see to it personally that she is fed to the Carvanha in my fish tank. Now go find that Pearl guy and eliminate him, I'll take this one." Sloth yawned again before turning around to leave.

"No promises…" Pride smirked to herself as Sloth left. It would take a while before Sloth gets motivated enough to actually do her assignment but it didn't matter. Pride was willing to wait an eternity for this plan to work, the payout was just too great to throw away. She pulled a pokeball off of her belt and dropped it to the ground, still staring at her mirror. The pokeball released a Gallade who, upon seeing Pride, crossed his bladed arms and turned his head away from her angrily. He had a pointed purple cross stamped onto each of arm blades; which served as a constant reminder of who his master was…

"Why so serious Dante (hehe… The Dark Knight reference just had to be put in there at one point)?" She asked out of mock concern. The Gallade didn't respond and continued to sulk in her presence. "Here, make yourself useful and hold this," she said as she shoved her mirror into Dante's hands. Dante grudgingly held it up to Pride's face level, allowing her to look at herself as she brushed her hair back. "Aren't I beautiful Dante?"

"_Like a goddess my lady… But with all the manners of an epileptic three year old…"_ Dante said back through telepathy.

"What was that last part?" She asked, her eyes going wide out of anger.

"_Nothing my lady…_"

"That's what I thought you said," she said as she took the mirror back. She then pointed down to where Montblanc and I were standing below. "There's tonight's target. He doesn't look like much of a threat so even _you_ should be able to take him out…" Dante winced angrily while she wasn't looking. She then sighed heavily but you could tell that she wasn't sad because of the wide sardonic smirk across her face. "I'm a little disappointed that I have to kill this one. He _is_ rather cute…"

"_Then maybe we shouldn't kill him_, _my lady_," Dante suggested. "_Maybe you could keep him as a pet or something-_

"Shut it. You're not getting out of killing your target this time," she said conclusively. Knowing he couldn't get out of this one, defeated, Dante bowed his head to her.

"_Understood my lady…_"

"Good… Cry havoc and let loose the dogs of war!" She said robustly with a flourish of the hands. Dante shook his head scornfully before leaping off of the side of the building.

"_Her and her stupid Julius Caesar quotes. I swear she must have a fetish for the guy or something…_" He said as he plunged.

Meanwhile…

"What are you talking about dude?" I asked Montblanc. "I don't see any "great evil" unless you count that dude over there peeing on some guy's windshield a great evil-Huh?!" I turned around to find that Montblanc had disappeared yet again. "What the fuck man?!" I looked frantically around but couldn't find him anywhere. "Aren't you supposed to be my guardian angel or something?! So why don't you ever stick around to do any actual guarding?!" I asked receiving no answer. "Fine be that way dickhead! I can get an unpaid intern that can do your job ten times better you fucking prick!"

I knew cursing at him wasn't gonna help but hey, it helped me feel better… Suddenly, the sound of clashing metal and the shattering of glass filled the air. I spun around on the spot to see a Gallade land on the car the dude across the street was peeing on, making the top fall in on itself and the windows shatter. The stranger toppled over the hood of the car in mid piss and fell on his ass. He zipped up his pants and gave the Gallade the middle finger.

"What's the big idea you bastard? Wait a minute… This is awesome!" He said merrily when he realized what damage Dante had done to the car. "Look, this car belongs to my landlord and he's a total dickhead. I thought peeing on windshield every night would be enough but _this_! _This_ is epic! You're alright buddy!" He said reaching his hand out to Dante because in the dim light he still believed Dante was a person. Dante hesitantly shook his hand.

"_Forgive me_…"

"Forgive you for what bud- AAAAAHHHHHH!" The man screamed as the Dante tightened his grip on his hand. Even from where I was, I could hear the bones in his popping and breaking… My stomach dropped and my eyes grew wide from horror. The man struggled like a captured animal to escape but Dante's grip was too tight. Dante lifted the innocent (sort of…) man up to his eye level. There, their eyes met, fear in the man's and sadness in Dante's. Dante then lifted the man over his head before forcefully slamming him down to the ground. Dozens of bones broke at the same time, making them sound like firecrackers… The man made a strangled noise and twitched from shock for a few seconds before finally dying there…

My mouth hung open from witnessing the murder firsthand. I wanted to get as far away from there as possible but I was transfixed to the spot from horror. No matter how afraid I was or how much I wanted to get out of there, I couldn't tear my eyes away from the scene. The Gallade sighed as it climbed down from the top of the car. He looked back at his victim for a moment before shifting his attention to someone else. Me.

"Oh fuck my life…" I said timidly. All my motor functions, limited as they were (you can blame Rampage for that…), came back to me all at once and you can bet your sweet ass I was getting the hell out of there as fast as I could. I took off in a full on sprint in the first direction I picked. I didn't care where it led me as long as I wouldn't end up like the dude back there... "FUCK MY LIFE, FUCK MY LIFE, FUCK MY LIFE, FUCK MY LIFE, FUCK MY LIFE!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. A part of my subconscious knew that the Gallade could probably teleport to me but my reason was currently drowning in fear.

I pushed everyone in my path out of the way, hurdled over fire hydrants and stray pokemon, my dead arm swinging limply and occasionally slapping people in the face as I ran past. I don't know how far or how long I ran but when I started to tire out (which was pretty easily considering I was beaten half to death just yesterday) I hid in the narrowest, darkest alley I could find. I quickly looked around for any sign of the Gallade. When I believed it to be safe, I rested against the nearest wall to catch my breath.

"Can't I go two freakin days without being in a life threatening situation?!" I asked no one in particular. "It's like there's a super-powered malevolent sixteen year old douche bag out there controlling my existence and trying his best to get my ass beaten on a regular basis (coughRTJcough) or something!"

"_That sucks. Hey, could you hold still while I'll kill you? I want to get this over with as soon as possible…_" Completely horrified, I slowly turned my head around to see the Gallade standing over my shoulder. I spun around on the spot and looked into his eyes.

"Hey," I said. I will never know, for the life of me, why I just did that…

"_Hey_. _Prepare to die_."

"YAAAAAAAHHHHH!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as I tried to get out of there. He caught me by the back of my collar and lifted me a few inches off the ground. In retrospect, I looked kind of pathetic at that point because I continued to run in place while he held me there like that. He turned me around to face him. "Oh come on dude don't be like that…" I said. There just _had_ to be a way to talk my way out of this… "I saw how sorry you looked right before you killed that guy back there. You obviously don't want to do this so why don't we just forget about this whole ugly mess, go to a café and discuss the importance of lip gloss over cinnamon buns. What do you say?"

"_Well, as exciting as that sounds I can't do that. And you're right; it is against a Gallade's nature to hurt the innocent,_" he said dolefully.

"So why do you do it?"

"_Because if I don't Lady Vanity will…_" he said trailing off.

"Will what? Who's Lady Vanity?"

"The last face you'll ever see…" A female voice purred behind me. Dante suddenly released me and let me fall on my ass. I turned around to find Pride herself strolling towards us. I now find it extremely important to note that she was one of the hottest girls I've ever seen in my life (don't tell Dawn I said that though… something tells me bad things will happen if I ever told her that…).

"Lady Vanity I presume?" I asked, trying to keep the overwhelming fear out of my voice.

"You presume correctly. But a commoner such as yourself doesn't have the right to call me _Lady Vanity_," she said. "If you want to continue breathing then you will call me Pride and like it."

"Pride?" I asked. She giggled at me for some reason. I now find it interesting to note that she had cute little dimples… What the hell? Why do I keep thinking about her like that?! "What's so funny?"

"You're as funny as you are expendable," she stated. I don't remember ever making a joke… "It's such a shame I have to kill you. You amuse me… somewhat."

"Er… Thanks?" I said but she completely ignored me and turned her attention to the Gallade. Her pretty eyes (knock it off!) were shining with an anger so fierce that it could even make Rampage whimper like a puppy. The Gallade backed away from her (and me thankfully). He stared back boldly in the heat of her malice but I could tell that there was a small trace of fear in him.

"Can't you do anything right Dante?!" She asked fiercely. "I ordered you to kill him, not to have a conversation!"

"_My lady, you don't understand_-

"I UNDERSTAND EVERYTHING!" She shrieked so loud that my ears started ringing. "Kill him or you-know-who gets a date with the wrong end of a rifle!"

"_You wouldn't dare!_"

"Try me…" While they were fighting I tried to sneak out of the alley discreetly. Just as I was about to get away, a rope suddenly latched around my waist like a snake and reeled me back into the alley. "Where do you think you're going?" Pride asked sadistically as I painfully landed by her feet. She had pulled me in by using a coil of black rope attached to her belt.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked. "I've never done anything to you!"

"I'm the leader of the Seven Deadly Sins, sweetie. That makes me _the_ greatest assassin in the world. So if an enemy of yours is willing to pay enough, I have no choice but to kill you."

"An enemy of mine?" I thought. I had more enemies than I could count on my fingers (well, considering one of my arms is dead; I only have five fingers now…). Barty and Sharon wanted me alive and Team Galactic would rather kill me by themselves than ask for help… Who could it be?

"You know what?" She asked. "I'm feeling very generous today. (Dante: _Yeah right…_) That's why I'll give you a ten second head start to get away before I send Dante here to finish you off." I got back to my feet and stared at them for a moment. They were both blocking the entrance so I doubt they would let me get out that way. I turned around and started sprinting, praying that this alley wasn't a dead end.

It was a dead end. CURSE MY SHITTY LUCK! I looked around. There were a few garbage cans along the sides of the alley and a large dumpster at the end of it. There was also a fire escape but I knew I couldn't use it; it would take too long to climb up and I doubt I could climb with one arm anyway.

"Time's up!" Pride said gleefully.

"You tricked me!"

"No shit Sherlock. Psycho Cut!" She ordered. Dante grudgingly produced a blade of glowing, purple, psychic energy in front of him. I then ducked behind a garbage can as he fired the attack at me, hoping the steel wouldn't break down from the attack. The Psycho Cut collided with the garbage can but instead of slicing through it like I thought it would, it blew up. The explosion tore the garbage can to pieces and sent me flying backwards into the dumpster. My head hit against the metal so hard that I almost went unconscious. I ignored the pain long enough to dodge the second Psycho Cut coming towards me. It sliced the dumpster in half and nearly I shit myself when I realized that could've been me… Great, this means Dante can control if they slice or explode. Fuck my life.

I hid behind another garbage can but I knew that it would be useless. I looked over the side of the garbage can to see Dante charging up another Psycho Cut and Pride standing next to him, smirking evilly in the slight purple radiance the energy blade made. Refusing to let her win that easily, I decided to fight back. I pulled a pokeball out of my pocket and slammed it down to the ground, not caring which one came out as long as they could help.

"Bounce!" I ordered as Hoppy came out of his pokeball. We both dove out of the way as the third Psycho Cut blew up our hiding spot. Hoppy jumped high into the air and somersaulted in the air before coming down to deliver a bone crunching drop kick to Dante's unsuspecting face. Dante flew backwards and onto his back.

"What?!" Pride said. She never expected me to do anything besides run away… "Don't just lie around you useless piece of shit!" She screeched giving Dante a good kick in the side. "Get up and use Close Combat!" Dante sprung back to his feet, his bladed arms beginning to glow a fierce crimson color.

"Hoppy try to use Bounce again- Wait! What are you doing?!" Hoppy decided to ignore my orders and began to make his hands, feet and ears glow the same color as Dante's arms. They were both going to use Close Combat at the same time. "Hoppy wait a second!"

(No way dude! I'm a ninja with these testicles man!) He said, eager to begin fighting. He and Dante rushed at each other at the same time and began their furious assaults. They matched each other blow for incredibly fast blow (I find it kind of funny that Dante was being matched by a pokemon that didn't even come up to his knees). Each time their fists met, a small shock wave of red energy would be emitted, staining the alley the color of blood.

While they were fighting, I tried to slink away again. I kept my back against the wall to make sure I didn't get hit by either of their attacks. I stopped to watch their fight for a second. Hoppy slammed both of his ears down on Dante's feet. I winced remembering how painful that is. Dante stopped attacking and started hopping up and down on one foot at a time, massaging his feet.

"_Fucking son of a cunt berry!_" Dante cursed. Hoppy successfully took the distraction to sweep Dante's feet out from under him. When Dante toppled to the ground, Hoppy jumped onto his chest and began to punch the poor knight pokemon in the face with reckless abandon, cackling like a lunatic the whole time.

"That is one vicious little bastard you have there," Pride commented.

"Tell me about it… I still have the mental scars to prove it… YAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" I shrieked when I realized that Pride was right next to me. My one second distraction was all she needed to sneak up on me. I tried to run away but she pulled the back of my collar forcefully, making my legs fly out from under me and sending me down to the ground once again. Dazed, I didn't fully realize that she had pulled out a curved dagger off of her belt. The dagger had several rubies, sapphires and emeralds encrusted into it.

I moved my head out of the way just in time as she slashed down at where my head just was. I rolled away to try and get away from her but she just kept coming at me, slashing the dagger with profound grace and precision. I rolled onto my stomach and tried to get up. She slashed me diagonally across the back but I ignored the pain long enough to get up and run away. I finally made it out of the alley but I knew that this wasn't going to end anytime soon.

Once again I found myself in a mad dash through the streets. But this time people thankfully ran out of my way (screaming) due to Pride slashing at anyone and anything in her path to get to me. I couldn't take the pain from the wound on my back anymore and stumbled onto my hands and knees. I heard a whistling noise behind me. Too scared to look around to see what it was I ducked and heard a distinct "plunk" noise in front of me. I looked to see Pride's dagger sticking out of the ground. My only guess was that the whistling I heard was the sound of the dagger being thrown straight for the back of my head. If I hadn't ducked…

"Oof!" I cried. Pride had come up from up behind and kicked me in my side, forcing me onto my back once again (hehe… that's what she said). She pulled the dagger out of the ground and licked the bladed side, making a small trickle of blood seep onto it.

"I do so love the taste of fear and blood in the evening," she said sadistically. She got down on all fours over me and put the dagger to my throat (this would make for one hell of a sex game if it wasn't, you know, deadly…)

"Any last requests before your untimely death?" She asked. I racked my brain for something, _anything_ to get me out of this. I tried to think of some elaborate escape plan or something but I kept getting distracted by how pretty she was (and the dagger at my throat was kinda distracting too)… Wait a second. I can use that! "Well?"

"I-I'm sorry. I-I-I just can't get over how beautiful you are," I said somewhat truthfully. Her smirk became even wider as I said that.

"I am beautiful, aren't I?" She said, submitting to the flattery. "Tell me more. How beautiful am I?"

"More beautiful and more radiant than any star in the night sky," I said as suavely as I could. This plan better not fail… She purred like a cat and began to curl one of the bangs sticking out from under my hat around her finger.

"You're not that bad looking yourself- But never as pretty as me. No one can _ever_ be prettier than me."

"Oh I agree. No one can ever _hope_ to compete with your beauty… Before you kill me, could you come closer? I want your flawless face to be the last thing I see…"

"Oh I can do that alright…" She said as she brought her face closer to mine. Our faces were a couple of inches away but that was no good. She needed to be closer in order for this to work.

"Closer…" I beckoned. She smiled at me as she brought her face closer; still believing she was in control of this situation. "Just a little more…" Our faces were barely any distance apart. "Perfect," I said before I lifted my head up a fraction of an inch to kiss her on the lips. She was taken aback at first but then started kissing me back rather coyly, which was strange considering who she was. I supposed that she didn't get kissed very often then… I now find it tremendously interesting to note that her lips tasted like strawberries…

Okay, so now I suppose most of you are saying a big WTF right now. But trust me that was part of the plan all along… sorta… Because after a few seconds, while she was still distracted by the kiss I pushed her off of me as hard as I could, making her drop the dagger in the process. Acting quickly, I tossed the dagger into the street and let it get run over by an incoming car. Not sticking around to look at Pride, I got up and began sprinting away as fast as I could.

"See ya, you crazy little assassin bitch!" I shouted joyfully, just happy to be free again. She didn't try to chase after me, she just sat there, her eyes wide open from shock over what just happened. Dante came up behind her carrying an unconscious Hoppy by the ears. The Gallade had large, noticeable bruises all over.

"_My god, this guy's a monster… I had to slam the dumpster on him like thirty times to make him stop attacking me… What's wrong my lady?_" He asked. She got back to her feet and kept her back to Dante.

"A commoner…"

"_Huh_?"

"A commoner... A commoner stole my first kiss from me…" She said getting angrier by the second. "A commoner like him doesn't have the right to kiss my splendid lips! I WANT HIM DEAD!" She screamed.

"_I could teleport to him again if you want_-

"No! I won't let you make us fail the mission again!"

"_Yeah because it's _MY_ fault we failed…_" He said sarcastically under his breath. Pride pulled four pokeballs off of her belt and tossed them all into the air. "_What are you doing?!_" Dante shouted. He was a pussy compared to all of Pride's other pokemon. They were as vicious as can be and had no problem killing random innocent people like Dante did. If she let them all out then this entire city might be leveled by dawn… A Tyranitar, a Weavile, a Houndoom, and a Gliscor were released from their balls.

"I want you all to go out and kill Diamond no matter what the cost is! Kill every man, woman, child and pokemon in your way! Let no one stop you!" All four evil pokemon looked at each other and licked their lips simultaneously, effectively mimicking their master. Understanding their assignment, they all took off in different directions, ready to kill anyone in their way. Pride hooked one last pokeball off of her belt. "And last but not least…" She said before she tossed it down at her and Dante's feet. A huge Gyarados released itself and lifted them onto its head. Dante gulped; this situation just got a whole lot worse…

"HYPER BEAM!" Pride ordered. The Gyarados fired the deadly beam of light from its mouth at the nearest building, ripping a massive hole through it and killing dozens of people at once. "KILL EVERYTHING! DON'T LET DIAMOND GET AWAY!"

_RTJ's Corner_

Woot! That was one hell of a chappie to write, I don't think we've ever been this violent before. It took me a while to put this one because I've been working on other little projects lately. I've also been waiting for a connection with a Beta Reader for like two weeks now but still have gotten anything. I eventually got bored waiting and decided to write it without anyone's help. So anyway, read and review or Pride will burn your house to the ground and feed you to her Gyarados!


	63. BEAR BUBBLES!

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Rampardos (Rampage AKA Evil Yucky McDoo Doo Face)

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Drapion (Boner)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Grotle

Gastradon

Drifblim

Happiny

Aggron

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

Ah… The perfect future... There would be me, of course, as ruler of the Earth. Under my rule, the planet will be peaceful at last, with no wars or diseases and everybody would look up to me and my descendants as the saviors of humanity. In that vision of the future, I would have full use of my arms and live in an iridescent palace in the sky. Fine art would hang on my walls and chandeliers would hang from my ceilings, chiming playfully whenever a breeze came in.

I would spend my mornings eating Cranidos eggs just to spite Rampage, who will be watching from a titanium cage in my kitchen. Then when I was done eating, I would torture my parents and Sharon by making them carry Snorlaxs up to the tallest mountains in the world… repeatedly. Then, I would spend my afternoons having friendly philosophical debates with my good friend Aristotle (whom I've brought back to life by using my solid gold time machine). In the evenings I would attend royal balls (hehe… balls… My god, Pearl's rubbing off on me…) where I would show off my funky dance moves while all the little people stare in forced awe. And finally, I would retire to my bedchamber, where Pride (whose breasts will have been enlarged to the size of small baby elephants at that point) will strip off her clothes and join me in a night of sexual romp. I shall masturbate superiorly while Pride does her "Dance of a Thousand Orgasms"- Wait. Pride… God damn it…

"KILL EVERYTHING! DON'T LET DIAMOND GET AWAY!" Pride shrieked, snapping me out of my daydreams.

"Oh shit…" I groaned. Well, as my horrible, terrible, gruesome, Mc-morbidly obese luck would have it, I wasn't getting away from Pride that easily. Apparently she didn't take too kindly to my kiss (and I don't see why she would, I am an _awesome_ kisser, if I do say so myself…) and has sent her full team of incredibly violent pokemon after me… Notice how stuff like this only happens to _me_? Sigh… Now's not the time for whining, I'm too busy running for my life right now.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed as I sprinted for my life. But I wasn't the only one running this time. Pride's Gyarados tearing buildings apart combined with her other pokemon attacking people openly in the streets was throwing the city into complete chaos. People were trampling over each other to get away from the rampaging pokemon. The unfortunate ones who got cornered by one of Pride's pokemon vainly tried to fight them off with umbrellas, purses and shopping bags… to no avail. Some people dove out of their cars just before the roofs of their automobiles were crushed in by falling rubble (and various unfortunate people who were inside the buildings Gyarados just destroyed…).

"Damn!" I mentally cursed. "This doesn't make any sense! The whole point of hiring assassins is for them to kill people _secretly_. Why is she turning this into all out war?" I thought to myself, receiving no clear answers in return. "She must be either _really_ pissed at me or trying to bring attention to herself on purpose…"

"RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! DIAMOND! COME OUT YOU COWARD! I'LL END YOU, YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!" Pride screeched over the screaming of citizens of Veilstone.

"Nope. She's just pissed…" I sighed. "Well I hate to break it to you Pride but no one's ending me tonight. I've come way too far to let it go that easily… Why the hell am I talking to myself?" Before I could figure that out, something unusual caught my eye. As I was running past a weird looking building with a large satellite dish and spikes protruding from the sides, I saw Montblanc on the roof of the building.

"Montblanc?!" I said, stopping in my tracks. I looked up to get a better look at what he was doing. He had a grim look on his face and seemed to be talking to a woman who looked kind of familiar to me… Just before I could figure out who it was, I was beginning to get swept away by the tide of oncoming people. It was taking all of my strength not to get trampled.

"Screw this!" I shouted, tossing a pokeball up into the air. Just before the ball opened up to let Poopy out, a small, black and red creature leaped from out of nowhere, caught the ball in its claws and ran off with it before I could even realize what it was. "Poopy!" I shrieked. I tried to follow the pokemon but I kept getting swept away by the frenzied crowd all around me. "Stop!" I pleaded to deaf ears. "It stole my pokemon!" Losing my patience, I hesitantly pulled the Hazard Ball out of my pocket and threw it down to the ground.

(DIE HUMANS!) Rampage shrieked. I released him in front of me so he didn't realize that I was behind him yet. I ducked as he swung his tail angrily. His tail knocked out three people with one strike, I might add. Rampage, in his blind, unprovoked rage, fired off Dragon Pulse attacks randomly that sent the already "scared shitless" people sprawling out of the way. I didn't really want to add to their misery but my plan worked. Everybody was running away from us, thus giving me a chance to see where that pokemon went with Poopy's pokeball.

"There it is!" I said as I spotted the pokemon in question, which turned out to be Pride's Weavile. Rampage overheard me and turned towards me, a Dragon Pulse building up in his mouth. I quickly returned him to the Hazard Ball before he could cause anymore damage and began to chase after the Weavile.

The Weavile led me farther and farther from the center of the city and into the shabbier looking streets of Veilstone. I had a suspicion that it was leading me into a trap but I had no choice; I couldn't just let it run away with one of my pokemon. But then again, I _did_ kind of leave Hoppy back with Dante and Pride… But on the other hand, I was too busy trying not to get diced up by Pride's dagger to worry about him at that point- Damn it, I've got to focus here! The Weavile agilely sprang off of parked cars, fire hydrants and the walls of buildings while I struggled to catch up with it. My sides were going to burst from all this running but luckily the Weavile suddenly stopped in the middle of the street.

I skidded to a stop and looked around. It led me to a dead end street on the outskirts of the city. The Weavile smirked up at me, juggling Poopy's pokeball in its claws. I didn't expect it to hand it over to me without a fight so I released both Punchy and Sandy out of their own balls. Upon seeing me, Punchy climbed onto my back, snatched my hat and burned it just to spite me and Sandy, as usual, looked at me with the intent of gnawing my arms and legs off (I still haven't made good on my promise at Sandgem Beach…). I ignored them and tried to come up with a plan; we had superior numbers but how were we going to fight Weavile without hitting Poopy's ball? Luckily, I didn't have to worry about that because Weavile tossed it back to me (by throwing it at my face…). Rubbing my now bleeding noise, I cocked an eyebrow at it.

"Y-You're giving it back to me?" I asked. Weavile smirked and pointed over my shoulder. As if on cue, I heard a low snarling sound behind me. I wearily turned around to find Pride's Houndoom and Gliscor waiting behind me. I knew it: this was a trap all along. Though I have to admit, Pride must have trained them very well; not many pokemon could pull off a plan like this without orders from their trainers. Anyway, back to my impending doom.

"GO!" I shouted. Punchy immediately leapt towards Weavile, pulling his fist back for a Mach Punch. Sandy wasn't able to act as quickly (which makes sense considering he's such a tremendous fat ass…), which made it easy for the Houndoom to lunge onto him. The Houndoom savagely bit Sandy on the side of his almost nonexistent neck. Sandy let out a roar of pain and rage and tried to shake it off by swinging his head from side to side. "No Sandy! Use your sand attacks to push it off- GAH!" I shrieked. Taking advantage of my distraction, the Gliscor swooped down and rammed its claw just below my ribs. I flew back a few feet before finally landing on my back, getting the wind knocked out of me in the process.

"Gotta keep going…" I groaned as I sat up, ignoring the overwhelming pain in my chest and the fact that that last attack nearly jettisoned my intestines through my mouth… I quickly took a look around. This had obviously become a three on three pokemon battle with Punchy vs. Weavile, Sandy vs. Houndoom, and Poopy vs. Gliscor. After all, you need a flying pokemon to fight a flying pokemon. Funny… Pride's Tyranitar wasn't there with them… Oh well, the less of them, the better.

I tossed Poopy's pokeball at Gliscor, who was swooping down at me to strike again. However, Poopy's pokeball didn't open for some reason. Gliscor stopped short, expecting Poopy to come out. Instead, it got hit full force right between the eyes by the closed pokeball, knocking it onto its back. Poopy's (honestly, I have to come up with better nicknames… You can't imagine how awkward it is to scream out "POOPY" all the time…) pokeball bounced off of Gliscor's head and rolled back to me. I picked it up and cocked an eyebrow at it.

"Why didn't it open…?" I asked as I turned it over in my hand (God, I'm missing my other hand right now…). The button in the center of the ball had a claw mark across it. I pressed the button several times but the ball refused to open. "Damn it! That stupid Weavile must have broken the switch while we were running here!"

Speaking of which, Punchy's fight against Weavile wasn't going too well, despite having an enormous advantage. Punchy angrily tried to hit it with Close Combat but Weavile proved to be too fast for him. Weavile smirked arrogantly as he blocked all of Punchy's punches and kicks effortlessly.

(I don't understand! I'm the undefeatable Golden Oozaru! Why am I losing like this?!) Punchy growled, attempting to hit Weavile with a particularly nasty right hook. Weavile ducked under the punch and adeptly slashed Punchy across the chest, sending him flying into the nearby lamppost. (Ouchies…) Punchy groaned as simultaneously he rubbed the back of his head and holding his stomach in pain. (That's it! The kid gloves are off motherfucker-Huh?!) He said, realizing that Weavile had vanished.

(I'll admit, you're pretty good kid.) The Weavile said, appearing behind Punchy suddenly. (…But not good enough!) Before Punchy had a chance to counterattack, Weavile delivered a major ego crushing kick to the back of Punchy's head. Punchy was sent tumbling head _under_ heels until he finally landed next to me.

"…You took out Rampage with a couple of Close Combat attacks yet you can't beat a Weavile, who, I might add, gets utterly pwned by _both_ of your types?" I asked skeptically.

(Sniff… Don't judge me…) Punchy whimpered, distraught by his very first defeat. With both Punchy and Poopy out of commission, this battle was really going downhill. Sandy was having a terrible time trying to fight off that Houndoom, Weavile would come after us soon and it was only a matter of time until Gliscor recovered from its dizziness and attacked us as well. The only advantage I had over them was Rampage but I refused to use him no matter what the cost. I _like_ living, thank you very much…

Anyway, onto Sandy's battle. Sandy and the Houndoom seemed to have abandoned regular attacks and resorted to primitive biting and scratching. If anything, it was a battle between two wild and equally feral pokemon. Houndoom had speed on its side and could easily evade Sandy's fangs and paws and just as easily counterattacked by biting Sandy's fleshier parts. Sandy could easily win if he just used his sand attacks…

"Sandy! You have to use your Sand Tomb!" I pleaded. "If you do that you'll be able to trap it easily!" Houndoom's ears perked up when it heard that. Just as Sandy was building up sand in the chambers on his back, Houndoom leapt up, using Sandy's snout as a springboard, and onto his back. Sand started to flow out of Sandy's back vents and like snakes, they started to rise and coil around Houndoom. Yet Houndoom didn't try to escape. Instead, it shot an Overheat attack into the center sand vent. Sandy roared out of pain and shook violently. Houndoom leapt off of him and took his place next to Weavile, watching Sandy struggle weakly as the Overheat took its course. The heat from the attack spread throughout Sandy's vents, heating and melting the sand inside until it finally crystallized into…

"Glass…" I gasped. As you may or may not know, when glass is heated and pressurized, it turns into the major component of glass. How that Houndoom knew that I will never know… Sandy collapsed onto his side; the sheer weight of the glass inside of him was throwing off his balance. Punchy suddenly tore away from my side and tried to push Sandy back on to his feet.

(You have to get up fat ass! We're gonna be raped if you don't!) Punchy exclaimed.

(Fuck off…) Sandy grunted. (I'd like to see _you_ get up after having eleven tons of glass burned into your system…)

(Bullshit in its highest form fatty! You're just too fat and lazy to get up- Hey did it get colder all of a sudden?) Pride's pokemon weren't going to let the battle end that easily. The Weavile suddenly used Blizzard while they were distracted. The frozen gale completely engulfed my pokemon, obscuring them entirely from my view. When the Blizzard subsided Punchy and Sandy were completely encased in ice… I could feel my heart drop into my stomach…

"No…" Was all I could say at the moment. My legs carried me over to them but I felt more like I was drifting. I placed my hand on the ice and looked at my own reflection. My face was pale and mimicking the look of fear on Punchy's face. "No… No! No! NO!" I screamed, pounding on the ice, biting back the tears. When I left the hospital this afternoon with Montblanc, I knew fully well that I was going to be leaving my friends behind… But now that Montblanc's disappeared and all of my pokemon have been taken out of commission, I've never felt so alone before… Eh, it's funny. Me and my pokemon are always making fun of each other and beating each other up. I used to detest them and felt like they were forced upon me by others. And now they were the only beings on the planet I want to be with right now… It's like they're the destructive and mean spirited little brothers that I never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever wanted… ever.

I turned my back on the frozen pokemon behind me, only to pour my hatred out on the ones in front of me, my soul crying out for vengeance.

"I hope you motherfuckers don't like breathing!" I roared, lobbing the Hazard Ball at them…

Meanwhile (Oh I do so love my cliff hangers)…

"There's something hypnotic about bubbles, don't you agree Dragonair?" Sloth asked airily. She was lying on her back blowing bubbles without a care in the world as her Dragonair flew her aimlessly over Veilstone. She watched her bubbles routinely grow bigger, float higher and higher innocently into the night sky.

"They're just like people," Pride always told her. "Amusing for a while but in the end they always-POP! Just like that they're gone, just like people…" Sloth noted how Pride always licked her lips after she said that. Sometimes Sloth wondered if she was the only one in her family that wasn't obsessed with murdering people. She was much more content just lazing about with her pokemon, watching the bubbles float by… Dragonair suddenly twisted in the air and made a sharp right, just narrowly avoiding an incoming Hyper Beam.

"Oh no…" Sloth groaned. Fun time was over. She looked over Dragonair's side to find the source of the warning Hyper Beam. Pride Tyranitar had climbed to the top of a radio tower (Alistair and Alex's radio tower to be exact) and glared up at Sloth. So Diamond was right when he thought there was something suspicious about Tyranitar's absence. Pride had specifically ordered him to make sure Sloth was doing her end of the job and to use excessive force if necessary. Necessary meant always.

He fired a second Hyper Beam from his mouth. Dragonair twisted its serpentine body out of the way just in time but not without casualties. The attack managed to graze the side of Sloth's bottle of bubble soap, spilling the contents down to the ground. Sloth sighed and tossed the bottle away. It became clear to her what Tyranitar wanted.

"Alright, alright! I'm going already!" She yelled. Dragonair veered off of its original course and began to fly towards the center of the city. "Annoying son of a bitch… Should go eat a bag of ass dirt… Great… Now I have to _work_…" She said as though she said as if it was some kind of filthy curse word (which is kinda weird considering how much _actual_ cursing goes on in this story). As they flew over the Pokemon Center, Sloth noticed Vivi being carried outside by Pepe. Both of them looked pretty worn out and even burned in some places.

"Man that was close!" Vivi said wiping the sweat from her brow. "Who knew Pearl and Ivan could be so _weird_?" Overhearing her, Sloth had Dragonair turn around and landed in front of Pepe and Vivi.

"Did I just hear you correctly? _Pearl's_ here? Pearl as in _Pearl McDoo-Doo-Butt St. Clair_, Pearl?" Sloth asked. Vivi giggled at Pearl's middle name.

"Oh my gosh, his middle name's McDoo-Doo-Butt? HA! No wonder he changed his name!"

"Changed his name?"

"Yeah. All day he's been forcing us to call him Sergeant Leonidas Nazi McRainbowCock. If we didn't say it completely, in that order and without error he would have Ivan shoot at us with his Laser Testicles," she explained as Pepe gently put her back on the ground. Pepe let out a groan and fell back onto his rear end. "Oh no… That Laser Testicle blast you took must have done more damage than I thought!" Sloth and Dragonair exchanged confused looks, perplexed by the strange girl in front of them.

"Sergeant McRainbowCock? Laser Testicles…? You better tell me your story from the beginning."

"Why?" Vivi asked innocently.

"Uh… Because I said so?" Sloth said. She was too lazy to actually come up with a good enough lie…

"Okay!" Vivi said happily.

"Well that was easier than I thought…" Sloth thought.

"So apparently, Pearl, Ivan and Ed didn't like what we did to them, though I don't see why. All we did was throw them out of windows, set them on fire, kick them in the balls and draw on them, which are all quite fun and constructive activities if you ask me. Speaking of which, can you believe that Emmy thought her markers were prettier than mine? Everyone knows that my markers are INFINITELY SUPERIOR! Do _her_ markers glow in the dark? Does _she_ have markers that can work underwater? Do _her _markers leave pretty rainbow sparkles when she draws-

"Ahem!"

"Right, sorry. Anyway, the guys went down to the basement for a while for some reason and then-BOOM! An explosion went off in the basement. Me and the rest of the girls went down to see what happened and-Ooh! Fireworks!" She said pointing at the several explosions of light bursting in the sky. Little did she know that those explosions were caused by Pride's Gyarados shooting down helicopters with Hyper Beam…

"Focus!" Sloth said, now beginning to lose her patience.

"Right, right, focusing. When we got down there and cleared the smoke, Pearl and Ivan were wearing sunglasses and weird costumes. Pearl was dressed like a military general and Ivan was just in his boxers and a cape that had "Laser Testicle Man" on the back. Lucirce asked them, and I quote "What the fuck are you turd sacks doing?!" And then Pearl snapped his fingers and Ivan said "You've tried ordinary testicles… Now try the BESTICLES!" Then he humped the air and a nine foot laser cannon burst out of the pee-pee hole on his boxers and-

"You must be joking…"

"It's all true, I swear!"

"I'll reserve my judgment until after this story's over…"

"Kay! So anyway, when we saw the laser cannon, we were all like "WTF?!" And the Ivan and Pearl started shooting at us with paintballs and laser bursts. We ran for it in time but they chased us around the Pokemon Center for a few hours and-

"Excuse me for interrupting but how the hell do you _walk_ with a laser cannon sticking out of your balls?"

"That's what I thought too! Maybe when Ivan's done enslaving all the other girls we can go ask him that-

"Enslaving?"

"Yep. We eventually got tired of running from them and gave ourselves up. They forced us to bow down to them and let them sniff our underwear. Then they made Lilly, Emmy and Lucirce put on these really cute bikinis and these teeny weeny thongs and forced them to be their super sexy sex slaves."

"How come they didn't make you a "super sexy sex slave" too?"

"Oh, Pearl said that I wasn't chesty enough to be one so he had Ivan shoot me with his Laser Testicles. But luckily, Pepe took the blast for me just in time and then we made our escape. Then I said "Man that was a close one! Who knew Pearl and Ivan could be so _weird_?" And then you showed up and asked me-

"Okay, okay, I get it!... What's your name kid?"

"Vivi!" She answered excitably.

"Alright Vivi, tell me. How much do you like bubbles…?" Sloth asked. With all the information Vivi just gave her, Sloth came up with a plan. If it worked, she wouldn't have to do any _work_ (boo, hiss!) at all…

"As much as I love being set on fire!... That's a good thing," she added, seeing the worried look on Sloth's face.

"Very good… Here, take this," Sloth said, pulling out a bottle of bubble soap from one of her enormous sleeves. Vivi looked at it wearily and didn't take it at first.

"Is it crystal meth?"

"Uh… What?"

"The last time I accepted bubble soap from a stranger it just turned out to be crystal meth. Though I have to admit, the meth _was_ pretty entertaining…"

"Trust me, my bubbles are three times as amazing and as magical as Harry Potter." Vivi's eyes grew to the size of hubcaps with childlike amazement.

"Magic?!"

"Yep. Watch this," she said. She blew a bubble the size of Vivi's head and popped it with her finger. Small fireworks burst out of it, making Vivi and Pepe clap out of amusement. "And that's not all…" She blew three more bubbles over her head and had Dragonair pop them all at once. Three enraged Ursarings burst out of them suddenly and landed next to Sloth.

"BEAR BUBBLES!" Vivi cried joyously, ready to explode from excitement.

"And lots more fun things happen when you use them. You can have them-

"GIVE THEM TO ME! ME WANTS LOTS!"

"Slow down there tiger. I'll let you have them and all you need to do is use them in front of Ivan and Pearl…"

"I'm on it!" Vivi said snatching the bottle out of Sloth's hand. She, Pepe and the three Ursarings charged inside, leaving Sloth and Dragonair behind. Vivi poked her head out of the double doors of the Pokemon Center and waved at Sloth. "Thanks mystery girl!"

"Just call me Sloth…"


	64. Optimus Prime Doesn't Like Your Face

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Rampardos (Rampage AKA Evil Yucky McDoo Doo Face)

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Drapion (Boner)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Grotle

Gastradon

Drifblim

Happiny

Aggron

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"5…" Alistair counted.

"4…" Alex continued.

"3…"

"2…"

"Hee hee!" Michael Jackson said, which in his strange language means 'one' (as for every other word in his dictionary).

"Midnight…" Both Als croaked, followed by simultaneous gulping. It was now officially Saturday, the day Mr. Spooge-Drinker and his personal army of Estonian gigolos were coming to kill the little wannabe rock stars if they didn't come up with fifty billion dollars. Instead of spending the entire day given to them to raise the money, Al and Al spent the day looking at porn, eating fudge off their guitars and prank calling random people.

"We are so fucked…" Alistair groaned. Alex put a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"Don't give up yet dude! Maybe they won't attack us just yet. Maybe they'll attack us in the morning, y'know, to catch a few Zs before they brutally murder and/or rape us."

"…That's not exactly reassuring dude…"

"I know…"

"Well we've got one option left to us and that is-

"Telling Spooge-Drinker how sorry we are and living out the rest of our days as one of his soulless, repeatedly butt raped acts while finally realizing why partisan (and by that, I mean telling everybody that Hot Guy Sex Studios gives you dick cancer) in any form of media often comes back to bite you in the ass… Like having have a fleet of gay prostitutes out to kill you?" Alex said in one breath.

"Psh! Hell no! I was gonna say we go get three plane tickets to Peru and live out our days playing pan flute music outside shopping malls."

"I like that idea better. Let's roll douche fag!" They quickly gathered their things and made their way towards the exit of their studio. Just as Alex was about to open the door, he looked back at Michael Jackson, who was still sitting comfortably in his chair with his hands behind his head. "Are you coming Michael?" He shook his head and grinned at him. "But why? Don't you want to go to Peru with us?"

"Hee hee jamona OH!" After saying that, Alex suddenly burst into tears.

"What? What did he say?" Alistair asked.

"He said that… He said that we are now too old to believe in Michael Jackson anymore. He-He says its time for him to go and spread his Jesus Juice to all the other good little boys in the land."

"… Too old to believe? Dude. We're talking about Michael Jackson, not fucking Santa Claus!" Alex got down on both knees and tugged on Michael's pants legs, completely ignoring Alistair.

"Please don't go yet Michael! We haven't even played Super Smash Bros. Brawl together yet!" Michael stood up and put a reassuring hand on Alex's shoulder.

"Hee hee."

"What'd he say that time?"

"He said… That our time together may have been short… but as long as we remember the lessons he taught us and never stop believing in magic, he will always be in our hearts…"

"… What lessons? He taught us nothing! He just sat there watching TV and ate our food!" Alistair protested but nobody listened. Michael waved them goodbye before snapping his fingers and disappearing in a cloud of sparkles.

"I'll never forget you Michael! NEVER! MY HEART WILL GRIEVE FOR YOU FOR A THOUSAND WINTERS!"

"Can we just go now?"

"Sure let's go," Alex said, completely forgetting the agony he was just in. They stepped into the hallway outside their studio and went to look for the elevator. As they were walking, Alex stopped abruptly and slapped his hand to his face. "Fuck!"

"What is it now?"

"With Michael gone, how are we gonna buy the plane tickets to Peru?"

"…TESTICLE PASTE!" When things seemed like they couldn't get any worse, they began to hear low, rumbling footsteps behind them that got gradually louder. "Oh no… Don't tell me-

"Oh boys!" Mr. Spooge-Drinker called. Alistair and Alex turned around to find him sitting on Ringo and Dingo's shoulders. Over a thousand male Estonian prostitutes followed them, each armed with a thong and a spear. "I believe it's time for you two to pay up!"

"Uh… Well, you see… We kind of… Don't have it…" Alistair stammered.

"WHAT?!" Spooge-Drinker yelled, getting off of his assistants' shoulders. "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET MY FUCKING MONEY!"

"You gave us less than _two_ days to get you _fifty billion_ dollars! How the hell did you expect us to get the money? By pulling it out of our asses?" Alex asked.

"This whole affair's just one big waste of time after another…" Ringo said sullenly.

"I know…" Dingo agreed. "First we waited for the nukes that would never come and then we waited for two days for no reason. It's all been so very stupid…"

"Well all that's gonna change!" Spooge-Drinker said. "Once we get rid of these two-

"Killing them isn't gonna change a thing!" Ringo shouted. "We're not gonna get our money back by killing these kids!"

"We could be making love to each other in a swimming pool filled with money, diamonds, and albino Cambodian elephant babies (Alistair: DUDE!) right now but NO! You had to waste our time trying to get nukes!"

"We could've stopped these boys early on by making your army come in and kill them or having them arrested for hijacking a radio station in the first place, damn it! God, I knew I should have joined "I-Like-It-When-You-Make-My-Butthole-Bleed-And-Call-Me-Shirley Studios!"

"And I do _not_ think of you when I have sex with Ringo!" Dingo added.

"Hmm… I never knew you two felt so strongly about this… Buh Bye!"

"Bye?" Both servants said at the same time. Spooge-Drinker snapped his fingers and immediately two of his soldiers stabbed Ringo and Dingo in the back with their spears.

"HOLY MOTHER OF SARAH PALIN!" Alistair shrieked at the sight.

"Oh silly Alistair. Sarah Palin doesn't have a mother. Everyone knows she's just a parasite that was spawned when a mad scientist dumped polar bear intestines into a vat of radioactive butter," Alex said. It was as though he didn't even realize that Ringo and Dingo were killed right before his eyes. He got down on his knees and poked Dingo in the ear. "Hey, after the funeral and seven year's worth of decay, do you think I can take this guy's skull and use it as a hat?"

"ALEX!"

"But Al! You know it's been my lifelong dream to own someone else's skull and use it as a hat!"

"Hello! Still alive here!" Dingo said weakly.

"We're in severe pain but we're still alive… OW!" Ringo said before Spooge-Drinker took the spear out of his back and smacked him over the head with it.

"STAY DOWN! Don't get too complacent boys because you're _next_!"

"RUN!" Alistair screamed. He grabbed Alex by the arm and forcefully dragged him along as he ran for his life.

"NUUUUUU! I WANT TO MAKE LOVE TO THE SKULL!"

"YOU'RE NOT GONNA _LIVE _TO MAKE LOVE TO THE SKULL IF YOU DON'T _RUN_!" Spooge-Drinker clapped his hands and four of his foot soldiers lifted him onto their backs.

"CHARGE!"

Okay… Meanwhile…

"Ah… Life's good, right Ivan?" Pearl, or should I say Sergeant Leonidas Nazi McRainbowCock, asked. He and Ivan were sitting on wooden thrones in the Pokemon Center lobby with the girls miserably fanning them with leaves and feeding them grapes.

"I've got no complaints Sarge!" Ivan AKA Laser Testicle Man, replied happily. He finished polishing his Laser Testicle cannon and tossed the dirty rag into Lucirce's face. "You! Servant girl! Throw that rag away and bring me the head of a buffalo!"

"Where the hell am I supposed to get the head of a buffalo?!"

"How should I know? You figure it out!"

"Kiss my ass Ivan!" She said angrily before storming off to find a buffalo's head.

"Is that a threat or an invitation?"

"Hehe. Good one," Pearl complimented. Emmy and Lilly rolled their eyes at them. "What the fuck are you two looking at? Lilly, make yourself useful and fetch me a barrel of wine, made from the finest uh… whatever it is that wine is made with and the tears of orphans."

"Right… Would you like any more cruel and unreasonable objects, your _majesty_?" Lilly said through gritted teeth.

"Well now that you mention it, could you get me an Aerodactyl egg from the deepest recesses of the Andes Mountains? Hop to it baby cakes!" He said, pinching her on the backside as she left.

"I swear to god I'm gonna kill you eleven times over Pearl…"

"What was that?!"

"Sorry I meant "I'm gonna kill you eleven times over _Sergeant Leonidas Nazi McRainbowCock_…"

"That's better! And now, as for you Emmy…"

"Oh god…" She sighed. Pearl smirked up at her and patted her on the cheek. She wanted to rip off his hand right there and then but she wasn't going to risk a Laser Testicle Blast to the face. She would just have to put up with it for now… "

"Oh god just let it end…" Emmy thought.

"How about you join your sextacious master for an… evening of pleasure?"

"I'd rather get my tubes tied without anesthesia…"

"Aww come on! They say once you see my glorious member you become an entirely new person…" He said seductively.

"Yeah, because by then I'll know what the world's smallest penis looks like," she retorted, making Pearl fume with rage and Ivan tear up from laughter. "Can I go now?"

"Yeah you can go… to the lowest layers of hell! Shoot her down Laser Testicle Man!"

"Inka dinka dinka loo!" Ivan said happily for no apparent reason as he pointed the Laser Testicle Cannon at Emmy (some of his brain cells got screwed over during the transformation...).

"Aww come on! You're gonna kill me just because I won't sleep with you?"

"Yep. That pretty much hit the nail on the head," Pearl said. Just as Ivan finished charging his testicle lasers, Vivi burst into the room with Pepe and the three Ursarings Sloth gave her.

"Hold it right there Count Derriere!" She said making Ivan stop charging his laser testicles.

"Count Derriere?"

"Sorry it was a spur of the moment thing. Anyway, I wanna show you guys these really cool bubbles I got off of this girl named Sloth!"

"Damn it Vivi, can't you see we're busy being holier-than-thou?" Pearl asked. "Come back when you grow some nice tits!"

"But don't you wanna see my super awesome magic bubbles?"

"NO!" Both of them shouted. Vivi pouted and crossed her arms angrily. She then took the bottle of magic bubble soap out and blew a bubble.

"Take this you stupid meanies!" She said as the bubble floated towards Pearl.

"Pfft! As if a bubble's gonna do anything to me. What are you gonna do? Get bubble soap in my eye?" He said smugly. He popped the bubble with his finger, convinced that it was harmless. Oh that poor misguided fool… As soon as the bubble popped, an angry Crawdaunt burst out of it and latched onto Pearl's face. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! GET THIS THING OFF ME! IT'S RAPING MY FACE!"

"Don't worry Sarge, I'll save you!" Ivan said preparing to shoot the Crawdaunt off. Unfortunately for him, the commotion caused the Ursarings to become even more furious. They suddenly and without warning leapt on top of Ivan and proceeded to beat the living shit out of him. "GAAAAAAHHHHHH! MY KIDNEYS DON'T BEND THAT WAY!"

"HA! Take that Laser Testicle Faggot!" Emmy said. "Hey Lilly! Lucirce! Come check this out!" Lilly and Lucirce came out of the kitchen (honestly, who would expect them to _actually_ get the head of a buffalo and an Aerodactyl egg?) and they both burst into laughter at the sight of Ivan and Pearl's pain.

"Where did all these pokemon come from?" Lilly asked.

"From my magic bubbles! They're like the lovechild between Jesus and Willy Wonka in bubble form! Watch this!" Vivi said. She blew three more bubbles that flew to each of the other girls. As soon as they popped the bubbles they were showered in small golden sparks. When they cleared, the girls were all wearing the outfits they were wearing before Pearl and Ivan made them wear those bikinis and super revealing thongs.

"Finally!" Emmy said. "I felt so _naked _with those things on…"

"These bubbles give me an idea…" Lucirce said, a fiendish idea blossoming in her head. She snatched the magic bubble soap out of Vivi's hands and smirked toothily at it.

"What are you doing?" Vivi asked. "Sloth gave those bubbles to me to play with!"

"Play?! Are you out of your mind Vivi? These bubbles can do _anything_! Why waste time playing with them when we can be using them for something useful like…Revenge…" Lilly and Emmy donned the same evil smirk as Lucirce.

"Yes! Revenge!" They said gleefully.

"But you guys!" Vivi said unto deaf ears. "I don't think Sloth gave them to me to do bad things (You don't know how wrong you are Vivi)! They're already getting beaten up; let's not take it any further-

"Shut up Vivi!" Lucirce snapped. "You weren't humiliated by those two like we were! You didn't have to clean in between their nasty ass toes, fan them or organize their friggin stock portfolios! This shit just got personal!" She took in a deep breath and blew a bubble that kept expanding until it towered over them like a giant…

"Damn it! Get the fuck away from me!" Pearl shouted. He ripped the struggling Crawdaunt off of his face and punted it through the nearest window. Noticing that Ivan was getting the shit beaten out of him, he said, "Yo Ursarings! That Crawdaunt just called you a bunch of pussies! Go beat the fuck out of it!"

(Pussies?! We not pussies!) One of the Ursarings said. He was the prettiest of the three if he said so himself.

(We're the opposite of pussies! We're dicks! Wait a minute…) The second and youngest one said.

(Let's go out there and use that cunt bag as a baseball! And let's use this guy's gigantic metal dick as the bat!) The third and most violent of the group said. It tried to rip Ivan's Laser Testicle Cannon off but it refused to come off.

"OW! OW! DUDE STOP! IT DOESN'T COME OFF!" Ivan pleaded. "Whoa, whoa, WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" The Ursaring got bored of trying to rip off the cannon so it hauled Ivan over its shoulder and charged straight through the wall with its companions following closely behind. "SOMEONE HELP ME!"

"Don't worry dude! I'm comi-AH!" Pearl tried to chase after him but a giant metal hand came down from the ceiling in front of him, effectively blocking his path. Pearl looked up and quite literally shit his pants when he saw what the hand was connected to. "OH MY GOD! IT'S OPTIMUS PRIME!"

Yes, the giant towering bubble Lucirce made popped to make Optimus Prime, heroic leader of the Autobots, arch nemesis to the evil forces of the Decepticons and overall kicker of asses. Lucirce sat on top pf Optimus' shoulder, leering down at Pearl.

"Optimus! That boy down there is going to reveal all of the Autobots' secrets to the Decepticons! You have to stop him at any cost!" She told him.

"Must destroy Decepticons! RAWR!" He roared, pulling out his laser gun.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" Pearl screeched as he ran for his life, laser shots missing him by inches. "OPTIMUS STOP! I AM CLEARLY NOT A ROBOT IN DISGUISE!"

"MORE DECEPTICON LIES! DIE DECEPTICON SCUM!"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Optimus switched to vehicle mode to pursue Pearl through the Pokemon Center's narrow hallways. Back in the lobby, Lucirce, Lilly and Emmy were dying from laughter while Vivi glared at them. She tried to take back the bubble soap but Lucirce lifted it out of her reach.

"Come on you guys! This is serious; he might get hurt!" Lucirce blew a bubble and popped it, making a ball of yarn fall into her hand.

"See the yarn Vivi? You want the yarn?" She said as if she was baiting a dog. Vivi suddenly forgot all about her frustrations with the other girls, her eyes growing wide with amazement at the sight of the yarn. "Go get the yarn Vivi!" She said before throwing the yarn down into the basement.

"YARN!" She said manically before diving headfirst into the basement.

"That should keep her busy for a while we go get our revenge… Wait for us Optimus!"

* * *

First of all, yayness! I finally got the line thing to work (and if it doesn't I'm going to go on a rampage...). Speaking of which, will Rampage save Diamond or just royally beat the shit out of him like he always does? Will Alistair and Alex survive the onslaught of Estonian giggolos? Will Ivan ever stop being used as the Ursaring trio's baseball bat? Will Pearl get mangled by Optimus Prime? Will Pride stop destroying the city? Will Sloth get off her lazy ass and _do_ something? Will Edward _ever_ wake up? And where the fuck have Zack and Dawn been this whole time?!

All these questions and more will be answered in the next exciting chapter of Diamond Fists! So until then, read and review or I will pee in every single meal you will ever eat!


	65. Megatron is a Bad Ass Motherfucker

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Rampardos (Rampage AKA Evil Yucky McDoo Doo Face)

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Drapion (Boner)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Grotle

Gastradon

Drifblim

Happiny

Aggron

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

"Ugh… Where am I?" Ed said. Ed had just woken up from his "paintball-to-the-nuts" induced coma and looked around. He was still in the Pokemon Center basement. "Ivan? Pearl? Where are- YAAAAAAHHHHH!" He screamed as a resounding explosion and panicked screaming erupted upstairs.

"RAPE! RAPE! 8 SECONDS OF UNWANTED SEXUAL STIMULATION- THAT'S CONSIDERED RAPE!" He heard Pearl screaming.

"You like that bitch?! You like it?! SO SUCK ON IT!" He heard Lucirce scream back.

"GAH! SOMEBODY HELP ME! I'M BEING RAPED BY CARE BEARS! HELP MEEEEEEE!" Pearl pleaded. Ed got back to his feet and wiped the dust off his clothes.

"Well, this can be explained in two possible ways. One, Lucirce, Lilly and Emmy got a hold of magic soap bubbles and are now using them to get revenge on Pearl by making random fictional characters come out to beat and/or rape him into submission…or, they all got high and started to have an orgy…" Ed reasoned.

"THERE'S THOSE DIRTY DECEPTICON BASTARDS!"

"FUCK YOU OPTIMUS PRIME! AUTOBOTS AIN'T GOT NOTHIN ON THESE DECEPTICLES (Decepticon plus testicles equals DECEPTICLES) NIGGA!"

"YOU'RE GONNA EAT THOSE SLURRED WORDS MEGATRON!"

"BRING IT ON PUSSY!" Megatron yelled followed by the sound of laser shots and metal slamming against metal.

"I wouldn't rule out the first one…" Ed sighed.

"One… Two… Three! Let's go Pepe!" Ed looked around. Unlike the other voices, that sounded nearby… He turned his head to find Vivi and Pepe running up the stairs and charging full force into the door. However, the door wouldn't budge and they just ended up rolling down the stairs, finally landing on the cement floor. Ed cringed as they landed.

"Ouchies…"

"Ugh… It's no use…" Vivi sighed as she sat up again. "We'll never get those bubbles back…No! We can't give up yet! Get ready Pepe!"

"Wait!" Ed said. "What the hell is going on up there?"

"Oh yeah, that's right. You've been asleep this whole time (Ed: More like unconscious…). To make a long story short, the other girls took my magic bubbles that can do anything to get their revenge on Ivan and Pearl for making them their "Super Sexy Sex Slaves"."

"Ten points for me…" Ed muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Anyway, I'm glad you're awake. Now you can help us get upstairs and get my bubbles back!" She said happily. Ed frowned and crossed his arms.

"And _why_ would I do that?" He asked irritably.

"Huh? What do you mean?" He pulled down his sleeve and put his arm in front of her face. He still had the word "cunt" scribbled in red marker across his arm. Vivi dropped her eyes to the floor and there was an uneasy silence between them. "… Oh come on Ed! I'm sorry!"

"Stow it!" He retorted, turning away.

"But if you don't, Pearl and Ivan might get really hurt!"

"So?! Those two can go die for all I care!"

"ED!" Vivi cried, shocked by how heartless he was being.

"What? They're the reason why I was unconscious in the first place! And besides, all they ever do is shoot me with paintballs and call me gay! I couldn't care less if they get hurt. In fact… I pretty much think all of you guys suck!" He said, sitting on the nearest crate of paintball guns.

"But-But… Oh what's the point?" Vivi tried to say something in response to that but couldn't find the right words. She sat down on the steps and put her chin in her hands, looking miserable. Ed felt a pang of guilt for being so angry with her and tried to make up for it.

"Can't you get your other pokemon to do it for you?" He asked.

"I can't. I left them all in my room before all of this started and Pepe's too weak from taking that Laser Testicle Blast for me…"

"Laser Testicle Blast…? Never mind…" Ed said. He felt conflicted; he didn't want to see Vivi this depressed but helping her meant helping Ivan and Pearl, which he wouldn't do under any circumstance. Vivi buried her face in her hands and started rocking back and forth out of anguish.

"What's Sloth gonna think when she finds out that her magic bubbles are being used like this…?"

"Her name is _Sloth_…?" Ed asked incredulously. Vivi looked up and glared at him. "What? You would think that if she can get bottles of bubble soap that can do anything she would use them to get a better name… Just forget I said anything…" Vivi buried her face in her hands again and silence took hold again… Well, aside from all the crazy shit upstairs… Ed sighed, knowing that he was being a total douche. He looked over at Vivi and swore that he could see a small tear escaped from in between her fingers… "OKAY!" He said abruptly. Vivi looked up at him.

"Huh?"

"I'll do it! I'll help you!" He said. He couldn't, in all good conscience, let a girl cry…

"Why are you such a _pussy_?!" He thought.

"Fuck you inner thoughts!" He said under his breath so Vivi wouldn't hear him.

"You're really going to help me now?" Vivi asked, her face brightening up again. He nodded. Vivi suddenly got up and rushed over to hug him, making him fall unconscious again. "Huh? Why are you sleeping?! There's no time for that!" She slapped him across the face a few times and he woke up again. She grabbed his wrist and led him to the stairs. "Come on! There's not much time!"

Suddenly, another explosion went off upstairs, making the whole building shake. A second later, the basement's ceiling, without warning, collapsed, sending broken wood and cement raining down on Ed and Vivi.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" Ed yelled as they ran up the stairs to get out of the wreckage. As the dust began to clear they could see the struggling metallic bodies of Optimus Prime and Megatron. Megatron was sitting on Optimus' chest and was dipping his groin in his face…

"YEAH, I'M T BAGGING YOUR FACE OPTIMUS PRIME! WHAT YOU GONNA DO BITCH ASS NIGGA? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT BITCH?! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YA GONNA DO, YOU GONNA SUCK ON THESE DECEPTICLES AND TELL ME HOW THEY TASTE BITCH! THEY TASTE LIKE SHIT DON'T THEY?!"

"GAH! DAMN YOU TO HELL MEGATRON! YOU _AND_ YOUR DECEPTICLES!"

"HURRY!" Ed urged, ushering Vivi and Pepe up the stairs before they got caught up in their fight. At the top of the stairs, he pulled out a pokeball and tossed it over Vivi's and Pepe's heads. "Soul! Slash the door open!" He ordered. Soul, Ed's Scyther, released himself from the ball and with one fluid slash, cut the door in half. The others ran up the stairs and burst through the doorway just in time (I say that because Optimus and Megatron's fight just destroyed the bottom half of the stairs….

"Holy shit!" Ed yelled as a chair flew over his head. "Who the hell threw that at me-Oh my god…" He said as he took a good look around the room. It was complete chaos: Captain Crunch was chasing Emmy around with a Flamethrower, the Looney Tunes were having an orgy in the corner of the room, the Ursaring trio was using Ivan's Laser Testicle Cannon as a baseball bat, the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers were getting into a street fight with the Z fighters, Cloud and Sephiroth were arm wrestling at the Center's front desk, Jack Sparrow was-

"That's _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, savvy?"

Sorry. _Captain_ Jack Sparrow was chasing after Lilly, trying to grab her ass, Luke Skywalker and Yoda were sword fighting with Sora and Riku, Dumbledore and Voldemort were having a magical dual, Spiderman was making out with the Beast from X men, Aleister Crowley was doing the robot for no apparent reason, Julius Caesar and Napoleon Bonaparte were having beers and sharing war stories, Ichigo, Luffy and Naruto were having a dance off, the Muppets were playing volleyball with Nurse Joy's unconscious body, Organization XIII was mud wrestling with the Legion of Doom, Sonic was slitting Mario's throat open with a knife while Knuckles was raping Princess Peach, Peter Pan was masturbating in a corner, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Goofy were snorting lines of crack… Well you get the idea…

"This is-" Ed began.

"AWESOME!" Vivi exclaimed.

"Are you crazy?! This is fucked up on an INFINITE amount of levels!"

"HELP ME! SOMEBODY HELP ME!" They heard Pearl scream. They looked around the room for any sign of him and found him in the center of the room. He was being tied to a giant wooden cross by a bunch of Care Bears dressed in black robes. One of them was holding large six inch nails in its cuddly-wuddly paws… "HELP! THESE ADORABLE LITTLE FIENDS ARE GONNA CRUCIFY ME!"

"SOUL!"

"PEPE!"

Both pokemon rushed forward to save Pearl, pushing all of the other fictional characters and random people out of the way. Soul ripped the Care Bears apart easily, making their stuffing spill out like blood while Pepe punted and shot them away with Water Gun. Ed and Vivi made their way over to them and began to untie Pearl's hands and feet.

"Oh thank god you guys came!" Pearl said as they got his hands free. "Those guys are huggable yet vicious… and satanic… I think they were trying to sacrifice me to the devil or something…" Vivi and Ed helped him back onto his feet. But Ed knocked him back to the ground with a punch to the stomach. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"

"That was for all of the paintballs you fucking douche!"

"Hmph! You're just jealous because you can never hope to be this good looking!" Pearl said, springing back to his feet with a pokeball in hand. Vivi stepped in between them and tried to keep them from killing each other.

"Guys stop! Let's find Lucirce and get the magic bubbles back… Then you guys can kill each other!" She said happily.

"Speaking of which, where is she?" Ed asked. Pearl pointed straight above them. Lucirce was flying around the room on Superman's back, watching over the bedlam she created down below. Every once in a while she would blow some more bubbles and more random… stuff would fall down to the ground. "Damn! She's got Superman on her side! Anybody have any Kryptonite on them?" The other two shook their heads. He gulped. "I guess the three of us will have to fight him…"

"To hell with that!" Pearl said. He pulled his Destiny Knot out of his pocket and started looking for the string with his name on it.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm getting the hell out of this madhouse!"

"What?! You can't leave us! W-We freaking saved your life for Christ's sake!"

"Well here's the thing Eddy boy… I don't give a shit!" He found his own string and tied it around Diamond's. "Tell Lucirce that she can suck my skeet out with a straw!" He said before finally disappearing. Ed punched the spot where Pearl's head just was out of anger.

"That rotten ungrateful piece of-of-of cheese shit!" He fumed.

"Don't worry Ed!" Vivi said. "I've got an idea!" She merrily skipped over to the massive hole Optimus and Megatron made and looked down. She cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled, "OH MEGATRON! SUPERMAN JUST CALLED YOU A DOO DOO HEAD!"

"WHAT?!" Megatron stopped fighting (and by that I mean T bagging) with Optimus and poked his head up through the hole. "THAT PUNK BITCH SUPERMAN THINK HE CAN DISS _ME_?! I DON'T STAND FOR THAT SHIT NIGGA! I'LL MAKE THAT BITCH EAT DECEPTICLES FOR BREAKFAST, LUNCH, DINNER AND ALL OF THE OTHER LITTLE MEALS IN BETWEEN!" He pulled his arms out of the hole and started to lift himself out. Vivi grabbed Ed by the hand and together, they jumped onto Megatron's shoulder, followed by Pepe and Soul. "TAKE THIS SUPERFAG!" Megatron yelled before firing his ray gun at Superman's head. Superman flew out of the way just in time and fired back with his heat vision. Megatron blocked it with his forearm and kept on charging at Superman.

"What?!" Lucirce said. "Who let you two out of the basement?! Whatever; get them Superman!" Superman went into a steep dive as Megatron continued to charge forward. Once he was close enough Megatron snatched Superman out of the air but more importantly, they had Lucirce pinned.

"Let's go Soul!" Ed said. Soul nodded and together, they jumped off of Megatron's shoulder and began to run the length of his arm to get to Lucirce. Superman continued to struggle against Megatron's grip, making it hard for them to keep their balance. Ed tried his best to stay focused and stare daringly forward. "Give us back those bubbles!" He demanded.

"Fuck you Ed!" Lucirce growled back through gritted teeth. Unfortunately for Ed, she still had her arms free. She managed to blow three more bubbles which conveniently popped to become missiles. The missiles arced out before honing in on Ed and Soul. At the last second they lunged forward, just narrowly dodging the missile explosions. Unfortunately, the missiles managed to blow Megatron's arm clean off.

"AAAAAHHHHH! SON OF A BITCH!" Megatron shrieked out of agony. His severed arm and everyone on it suddenly went into a freefall. Soul dug his blades into the metal arm while Ed tried his best to hold on to Soul's feet. Superman broke free from Megatron's hand and Lucirce managed to hang on to his cape, a confident grin spread across her face.

"Game over Ed, you lose!" She said. The severed arm finally hit the ground like a meteor, sending rubble flying everywhere. As it hit the ground, Ed and Soul were forcefully slammed against it before falling weakly over the side.

"Ugh… Are you okay Soul…?" Ed asked as he sat upright. Soul nodded even though that clearly wasn't true; his carapace was broken in dozens of places. "I'm not… I think I broke my ass like twelve times…"

"It isn't over yet Lucirce!" Vivi said back on Megatron's shoulder. "Pepe! Use Aqua Jet!" Pepe stepped backwards and engulfed himself in water before charging straight off of Megatron's shoulder. He flew like a bullet, straight in Superman's unsuspecting chest. The shock made Lucirce release her grip on Superman's cave but more importantly, she let go of the bubbles. "WHOEVER SAID PENGUINS CAN'T FLY IS A FUCKING IDIOT!"

Ed got up and positioned himself under Lucirce. However, when she came close to him, he stepped out of the way and caught the bottle of magic bubbles instead.

"Ugh… Why… Why didn't you catch me too…?" She said weakly.

"Because I knew that you'd probably punch me in the face and take the bubbles again. I'm gynophobic, not stupid…"

"You're afraid of… vaginas…?" She asked before falling unconscious. Megatron lowered Vivi and Pepe down to the ground as he prepared to continue his fight with Superman. Vivi skipped merrily over to Ed and thumped him on the back.

"You did it Ed! Now we can use the bubbles like Sloth wanted me to- Uh… What are you doing?" She asked. Ed unscrewed the cap on the bottle and looked inside.

"There's just enough to blow one more bubble… Perfect…" He said with a smirk. Vivi cocked an eyebrow at him.

"What are you talking about?" He ignored her and blew the last bubble. He popped it and a second bottle of magic bubble soap fell into his hand. He tossed the old bottle away and dipped the bubble wand into the new one. He turned his head to Vivi and grinned at her.

"Sorry Vivi but Lucirce's not the only one with plans for revenge…" He blew another bubble and popped it. Every man, woman, robot, superhero, every _thing_ in the room fell asleep all at once. Only Ed and Soul were left standing. "Now here comes the best part…" He said mischievously. He blew a third bubble which produced Ryuk from Death Note.

"Greetings human. I am the Shinigami Ryuk and I have come to-

"Yeah, yeah, I know how all this Death Note shit works," he said as he snatched the little black notebook out of Ryuk's hands. He pulled a pen out of his back pocket and put it to the page…

* * *

GASP! Will Ed actually kill the others with the Death Note? The answer: No. He eventually chickens out and decides to write chode on everybody's foreheads in permanent marker... Anyway, this took me longer to put up because my computer decided to be a total cunt to me for a week but who cares? It's here now and that's all that matters. Anyway, like always, read and review or Ed will kill you with his Death Note!


	66. One After The Other

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Rampardos (Rampage AKA Evil Yucky McDoo Doo Face)

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Drapion (Boner)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Grotle

Gastradon

Drifblim

Happiny

Aggron

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

As the Hazard Ball left my hand, I couldn't help but think "What the hell am I doing?" Rampage was only going to make the situation worse and I only realized that _after_ I let go of the ball. I reached out to grab it again but I knew it was too late…

(WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!) Rampage roared as soon as he was released. Before I could answer him (or blink…) he turned and swatted me away with his tail. My back collided with the ice encasing Punchy and Sandy and I weakly slumped down to the ground.

"Fuck my life…" I groaned. I didn't know how much more of this abuse I could take… Rampage glared down at me while Weavile, Gliscor and Houndoom snickered at me in the background. Ignoring them, Rampage opened his mouth to prepare a Dragon Pulse attack.

"Rampage wait!" I said. It looked like I would have to talk my way out of this, just like I did with Pride. Well in her case, I had to talk my way out, kiss her and then push her while she wasn't looking first… "You can't kill me yet because… because…" I said, struggling to come up with an excuse. "…Because those guys called you fat!" I exclaimed pointing at Weavile, Houndoom and Gliscor. I'm usually a fantastic liar but I'll admit that wasn't one of my best (I was under pressure alright?) The Dragon Pulse began to die down, making me believe that Rampage bought it… But that clearly wasn't the case… Rampage pulled me up by my collar and slammed my back against the ice, making the wound on my back throb with pain.

(Hmph! Trying to weasel your way out of this, eh? What kind of fool do you take me for human?!) He said, leering down at me. (I'll admit that would have worked on any other Rampardos but not _me_, the crown prince of them all!) He pulled his fist back and screwed his face into a look of deep concentration in order to do a Focus Punch attack. I looked over his shoulder to see Weavile, Houndoom and Gliscor walking away looking content with themselves.

(Come on guys, it looks like that Rampardos is gonna do our job for us.) Weavile said. (We should report to the Lady at once-

(Can we stop at a Victoria's Secret first?) Gliscor asked. Weavile and Houndoom stopped and cocked their eyebrows at him.

(Uh… Why?) Houndoom asked.

(Because I like trying on the lingerie- I-I mean… um, never mind, just forget it…)

(What do you mean you want to try on the-

(No! Just forget about it!)

(No, I want to know. What did you mean by-

(C-Can we just go now please?!)

(But-

(GO! NOW!) Gliscor yelled as he ushered the other two away.

"W-Wait a minute!" I pleaded. "Don't go! You're supposed to get your asses kicked by Rampage! This is all wrong!" Looks like my plan was falling apart… Go figure… "THESE ANTICLIMAXES ARE FILTHY GAY!"

(SILENCE!) Rampage bellowed before punching me in the stomach and letting me drop back to the ground. (I will never fight for a human, especially not you!) He said before charging a Dragon Pulse attack in his mouth. I sighed; it looked like this was going to be the end, with no friends or pokemon around to save me.

"Montblanc was right… I am gonna die here…" I thought. The orb of blue energy in Rampage's mouth grew bigger; it looked like it was going to swallow me whole…

Suddenly, a high pitched beeping sound came out of my back pocket. Rampage roared as if he was in pain and staggered backwards, making the Dragon Pulse die down. He clutched his ears in pain and thrashed around wildly. I got back to my feet and dove behind Punchy and Sandy.

"What the hell is going on…?" I reached into my back pocket and pulled out Sophie. "Sophie!" I said happily. I wasn't alone after all, I still had my bitchy talking box looking after me. I opened her up and smiled at her.

"_How many times do I have to save your sorry ass before you learn to stay out of trouble kid?!_" She asked angrily.

"I love you too Sophie…" I said sarcastically. See what I meant by bitchy? I poked my head above the ice to see Rampage still thrashing around in pain. "What did you do to him?"

"_I stunned him. Sometimes stupid trainers get their hands on pokemon too powerful for them handle and nearly get themselves killed. That's why Prof. Rowan built me with the ability to stun those kinds of pokemon for a short amount of time,"_ she explained informatively.

"I see… So let me ask you… WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU DO THAT YESTERDAY?!" I shouted.

"_Because it only works on pokemon you've captured! Geez, take a chill pill why don't you… Besides, we've got much bigger problems now. Your other pokemon are dying." _

"DYING?!" I shrieked. I put my hand on the ice encasing Punchy and Sandy. "What do you mean _dying_?!" Sophie flipped open by herself. Her screen displayed five horizontal bars that were meant to display my pokemon's health. Poopy's bar was full because he was stuck inside his ball. Hoppy's bar was down to zero, meaning he lost the fight against Dante… Rampage had the "Confused" status but who really gives a shit about that bastard anyway? There, at the bottom of the screen, were Punchy's and Sandy's health bars. They both had the "Frozen" status and their bars were flashing red and steadily decreasing… "They're not _really_ dying are they…? They're just going to faint like Hoppy right…?"

"_I'm afraid not. The flashing indicates that they are in critical condition. A "good" trainer would have returned their pokemon and rushed them to a Pokemon Center by now…_"

"Alright! I get it! I know I'm a terrible trainer so can you please quit reminding me and tell me how to get them out of there?!"

"_Gee, I don't know, maybe you should, let me see… BREAK THE ICE_?!" She said sarcastically.

"With _what_?!"

"_How should I know?! Just because I'm a Pokedex doesn't mean I have all the answers! I'm a freaking talking box for Christ's sake!"_

"Ash Ketchum's pokedex always helps _him_ out of trouble!"

"_But_ _Ash Ketchum's a stupid fictional character_!"

"So is Pearl! What's your point?" I asked. "Damn it! We're running out of time!" I groaned. Rampage was still thrashing around but it was only a matter of time before he came after me again. I had to do something _now_ but I didn't have the necessary means to do so. I had no pokemon left to help and my ice breaking abilities were severely limited at the moment… Wait a minute. Abilities…

I opened Sophie up again. Punchy and Sandy had one ability each; Blaze and Sand Stream respectively. It would be useless to use Sand Stream now… Speaking of which, how come I've never actually _used_ Sand Stream before? Isn't it supposed to take effect every time I release Sandy? Meh, I smell a plot hole here but I'm digressing now. Blaze was the one I needed at the moment anyway.

(RAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! THAT WAS A DIRTY TRICK HUMAN!) Rampage bellowed. He had finally recovered from Sophie's stun thingy and didn't look too happy about it. He charged straight at me but I didn't move out of the way and kept my eyes glued to Sophie's screen.

"_Kid_!" Sophie cried out. "_You have to move out of the way! Are you trying to get killed_?!"

"Just a little more…" I glanced back and forth between Rampage, Punchy and Sophie. Punchy's bar was almost completely depleted but Blaze still wasn't activating. And worse yet, Rampage was coming even closer, using Rock Polish to boost his speed. If something didn't happen soon we were going to have a repeat of Hazard Park… "Come on! Use Blaze!" I pleaded.

(IT ALL ENDS HERE HUMAN!) Rampage yelled triumphantly as he was less than five feet away.

"PUNCHY!" I yelled desperately. Suddenly, as if in response to my call, Punchy became engulfed in a scarlet red aura that seemed to radiate off his skin. Then, like a statue coming to life, he began to squirm around inside the ice, trying to break free. The aura around him glowed more intensely and cracks started to form on the ice's surface in response. "OVERHEAT!" The scarlet aura completely swallowed Punchy, obscuring his features from view. Rampage suddenly stopped in his tracks and sneered at Punchy, confident that he could handle anything he threw at him.

Big mistake.

A massive funnel of flames burst out of the ice, releasing Punchy and Sandy in the process. I staggered backwards as I shielded my eyes from the bright flames but not without seeing Rampage get swallowed whole by the inferno. The heat was infectious; I wasn't even near the blast and I still felt like I was in hell…

When the roar of the flames had stopped, I opened my eyes again. Rampage lied unconscious about fifty feet away from us now and was covered from head to toe with scorch marks. The Overheat had melted the pavement, leaving a deep, hot tarred trail that connected Rampage to Punchy. Punchy was grinning triumphantly from ear to ear even though he was clearly exhausted.

(Yeah that's right! _That's_ why you don't mess with the motherfucking Golden Oozaru! FUCK YEAH! TESTOSTERONE!)

(Give it a rest you little sicko. You're giving me a headache…) Sandy groaned.

(How dare you speak to the Golden Oozaru that way, fatty? Did you not just see what I did to that dumb ass over there?)

(Yeah I saw it… Bet you can't do it again though.)

(Oh yeah? Prepare to eat those words fatty! As if you didn't eat enough already…) He added before opening his mouth to fire off another Overheat… but he only ended up blowing out a small puff of smoke…

(Pathetic…)

(Like you're one to talk! Let's see you get back on your feet fatty- Oh wait! You can't even see them, can you Fat Albert?)

(That's it! Come over here so I can gnaw your face off you little prick!)

(You'd like that wouldn't you Sir Eatsalot! More _eating_!)

"Okay, that's enough you guys," I scolded but with a big smile on my face. They were in no shape to fight anyone, especially not each other. I pulled Punchy's pokeball out and returned him before he had a chance to punch Sandy in the snout. I smiled at the pokeball in my palm; I had missed this feeling, the feeling you get when you know that you had a friend in your pocket at all times…

(Oh _sure_, return _him_ first. It's not like I can't freaking move or anything…) Sandy said sarcastically. (Oh don't mind me. I _enjoy _having my nuts flapping in the wind like this!)

"Calm down, geez! I'm gonna return you too!" I still can't figure out what they're saying but at this point I can pretty much guess what they're trying to say… and I don't like what I guess half the time… I returned Sandy like I promised I would and pulled out the Hazard Ball. "Okay, now for Rampage-WHAT?!" Rampage wasn't where I last saw him… "Shit!" Can't I be spared five minutes of peace before getting tossed into another situation? I frantically pulled Sophie out of my pocket again and flipped her open.

"Where is he? Where did he go? What do we do?!"

"_Scanning_…" She said in a monotone voice (I kind it kind of ironic that _this_ is the one time she wasn't angry with me or freaking out…). "_He's right behind us!_"

"Huh?" I looked over my shoulder to see if what she said was true… and my god was she right. Rampage immediately hit me in the side with his tail, sending me skidding away on my back. As I slid backwards, I could feel the scar on my back ripping open again and making my eyes water from the pain. I tried to at least sit up but the pain was just too much for me and I was forced to lie back down. I fumbled my hand around blindly in search of the Hazard Ball but then a revelation hit me much harder than Rampage ever could. I had dropped the Hazard Ball and Sophie when I got hit.

I forced myself to sit up despite the pain and looked around wildly for my dropped items. Unfortunately, Sophie was at Rampage's feet and the Hazard Ball had rolled all the way back onto the main street, behind Rampage, and more importantly, away from me.

(You have been a thorn in my side for the last time human…) He growled. With all of the burn marks running up and down his body, he looked even more intimidating (and uglier) than he already did. His face was locked into a cold hard glare that was different than all the other times he's looked at me. Normally he glared from primal rage or from slight annoyances but _this_… this was a look of pure hatred, kind of like the one I gave him back at Hazard Park…

"SOPHIE STUN HIM!" I screamed.

(THAT'S NOT GOING TO WORK THIS TIME!) He yelled back. Sophie beeped as she tried to stun him again but she just wasn't fast enough… Rampage lifted his foot and without warning, stomped on Sophie, smashing her into thousands of little pieces…

"SOPHIE!" I shouted helplessly. Tears started to form in my eyes and they weren't from the excruciating pain I was in… I felt like he just killed one of my closest friends…

(HA! You're actually shedding tears for this _toy_?) Rampage taunted. (You humans get so attached to your little _machines _and _tools_, don't you?) Toy, machine, tool… Those words cut through me like a knife. I knew she was just a machine but she was _more_ than that… She had her own thoughts and personality like an actual person and when she got destroyed, the pain of loss hurt just as much as if I had a lost a human friend…

Rampage wasted no more time and rushed up to me, going a lot faster now that he had a few Rock Polishes under his nonexistent belt. He pulled me up by the collar and snarled at me with clear murder intent. Not that I cared anymore… I just stared down at the ground in defeat; knowing that there was nothing I could do to defend myself. I had no more pokemon to use or a pokedex to stun him anymore; I had nothing left but the clothes on back and the life I still, for whatever reason, held onto… Though I still had no idea why…

It would take a miracle and a half to get me out of this…

"I'M JOSE CANSECO BITCH!" A voice yelled from out of nowhere. The outburst snapped me out melancholic daze. Rampage and I both looked around for the source of the voice.

(Oh what the hell _now_?!) Rampage said angrily. We both looked up to find Pearl plummeting out of the sky while riding on a weird looking skateboard, straight for us.

"He used the Destiny Knot again…" I said with a sigh. Why was I not surprised? Rampage, on the other hand was completely bewildered. He dropped me and stepped back into a defensive stance, thinking that this was an attack instead of an act of stupidity… I got back to my feet and stepped away; I was NOT going to get hit again. When he was close enough, Pearl shifted his weight on the weird skateboard. The board's back wheels collided with the egg…dome… thingy (seriously, what _is_ that thing?) on Rampage's head. Rampage fell backwards, clearly stunned, while Pearl skidded to a stop with a big, self-confident grin on his face.

"How's _that_ for an entrance?" He asked proudly. I rolled my eyes at him.

"Show off…" I said before sprinting towards the main street, where the Hazard Ball rolled off to. This was just the kind of distraction I needed to get it back…

"Hey wait! Where are you going?" Pearl asked, not realizing that Rampage had gotten up and was looming over him. Rampage snorted out a breath of hot air at the back of Pearl's neck, alerting him of his presence and that he didn't exactly appreciate Pearl's little stunt. "HOLY SHIT!" He screeched, kicking off the Morbid Angel as fast as he could. Rampage continued to pursue him, chasing him in circles.

Meanwhile, back on the main street, I found the Hazard Ball in the dead center of the road. I dove for it (which in retrospect wasn't really necessary…) and turned my attention back to Pearl and Rampage. Rampage got annoyed and stopped running completely yet Pearl continued to panic and skate around in circles (coughdumbasscough). Rampage stuck his tail out and Pearl, not realizing it in time, rode straight into it, and got hit directly in the stomach. He flew backwards and onto his back while the Morbid Angel flew out from under him. Just before Rampage could do anymore damage, I came from behind and pointed the Hazard Ball at him, forcibly sucking him back into the ball just in time…

I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. I fell back onto my ass, completely exhausted. Pearl got back to his feet and cocked an eyebrow at me.

"Do you mind telling me what the hell is going on?!" He asked. I just shook my head at him.

"It's a long…painful… story dude… It is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing…" I recited. He just gave me an even more confused look.

"…What?"

"Those were the last two lines of Macbeth's final soliloquy," I explained.

"What the hell's a soliloquy?"

"Never mind… Anyway, a better question would be… Why are _you_ here? I thought you were at the Pokemon Center with the others."

"Well I was but then Lucirce found some magic bubble soap and then I started getting raped in the ass by Care Bears-Let's just say it was one big mess, okay?"

"… Why am I not surprised…?" I muttered as I reluctantly got back to my feet. "Let's get the hell out of here before something else happens to us…" Pearl turned to leave but I stayed behind for a moment. I walked over to Sophie's remains and sifted my hand through the pile of broken parts, letting them fall between my fingers. Even Prof. Rowan wouldn't be able to put her back together again… After all the other parts had fallen out of my hand, one piece remained in the palm of my hand. It was some kind of big, shiny black, almost obsidian-like, computer chip. It was in the dead center of the pile so perhaps it was an important part back when Sophie was well… you know, in one piece… I pocketed the chip and went back to Pearl's side.

"Shit I'm hungry. You want to find a taco place?" Pearl asked as we walked back onto the main street together. I hadn't been listening; I was too absorbed in my own thoughts. "Hey!" He shouted in my ear.

"Huh?" I said, snapping back to reality.

"I asked if you wanted to go get some tacos!"

"Yeah, sure, whatever…" I said offhandedly. He stopped and gave me a questioning look. For a moment I actually I saw a little bit of concern in his eyes…

"You feelin' alright dude? You're acting really weird…"

"Like you're one to talk…" I thought. He got annoyed by my silence and shook me a little bit.

"Come on dude! Tell me what's up!"

"… Do you hear that too?" I asked. Ever since we got back onto the main street, a continuous yet distant rumbling went off behind us but I hadn't noticed it until now. We both turned around and looked for the source of the rumbling. We were the only ones here… "What the hell…?"

"Wait, I think I see something!" Pearl said. I squinted, trying to see what he saw. I could just about make out two figures headed straight for us but they didn't look like enemies for once. They actually looked kind of familiar… One was really pale and the other one was shaggy like a dog… "Alistair and Alex!" He said happily. "Guys! Over here!" He called.

"Something's wrong…" I said. The Als didn't seem too happy to see us; I doubted they even noticed we were there at first. They were running the fastest they could, like they were actually trying to get _away_ from something…

And then I saw it… uh… them.

For whatever reason, a large number of thong clad men carrying spears were chasing after Alistair and Alex. They were shouting things in a language I didn't understand but I could still tell that they had clear murderous intent. Luckily for the Als (and by extension, us), the spear carrying men weren't very fast as a group, giving Alistair and Alex a huge lead over them. So huge in fact, that they were able to stop next to us to catch their breath.

"What the fuck is going on?!" Pearl asked them.

"WepissedoffHotGuySexStudiosbyusingthepoweroftheradiotosaythattheygiveeveryoneAIDSanddickcancersotheysentasmallarmyofgayEstonianprostitutestofuckingkillus!" Alex said in one breath.

"Space out your words Alex!" Alistair said.

"We pissed off Hot Guy Sex Studios by using the power of the radio to say that- Y'know what? Fuck this! There's no time, just run!" He said before running off with Alex.

"…Did he just say gay Estonian prostitutes…?" I asked Pearl. He looked just as panicky as the others did. He started to kick off of the Morbid Angel as fast as he could.

"I am NOT getting fucked in the ass again today! Come on Dia!" He beckoned. However, I refused to move. I just stood there, staring at the ground with a forlorn look on my face.

"It's always one predicament after another, isn't it…?" I asked no one in particular. Seeing that I still I hadn't started running, Pearl came back to me and pulled me by the hand.

"What the hell are you doing?! We have to go!" He kicked off again, forcing me to keep up with him, lest I wanted to get dragged all the way to… wherever it is we were going…

* * *

YAYNESS! WE ARE FINALLY OVER 200 REVIEWS! FUCK YEAH!

Ahem... Now that that's out of the way, I would like to thank all of you readers out there because if it wasn't for you guys, this story would have never made it past the fourth chapter. I feel like I don't say this to you guys enough so I'll say it again... YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING AMAZING!

Anyway, expect the next chapter to come around in a week or so. Hell, even less than that if I don't get lazy (which, in itself is a stretch). I already have about half of it done already so it shouldn't take me too long. It's going to be a MASSIVE turning point in the story so expect it to be another really long one (Sorry to anybody whose eyes get tired reading the long ones :( Anyway, read and review or the Estonians will fuck you in the face!


	67. And We're Back! Again

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Rampardos (Rampage AKA Evil Yucky McDoo Doo Face)

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Drapion (Boner)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Grotle

Gastradon

Drifblim

Happiny

Aggron

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

* * *

Once again we find our intrepid heroes on another exciting adventure. With unflinching mettle in their hearts, they boldly go where no one dares to go, exploring treacherous terrain and laughing in the face of danger. They grab life by the balls and live each and every day like it was their last. Valorous and never late to help the innocent, truly they are worthy of…oh screw it…

Unfortunately, this story doesn't have heroes like that. All we have are Diamond and Pearl… Once again, we find them sitting in Diamond's room, watching TV with the lights off and with glazed looks in their eyes. They haven't moved from their respective positions for several days… which makes me wonder how they used the bathroom all this time… Eww…

"…I just realized something…" Diamond said, breaking them both out of their nearly comatose state.

"What?"

"We've been watching static for the past twenty three hours… I thing it might be broken…" Pearl picked up the remote and flipped trough the channels. Each one had static on it. His eyes widened as he finally realized the gravity of the situation.

"DUDE!" He yelled. "The TV's not working!"

"Yeah, that's what I just told you, you stupid-

"This is a fucking crisis situation! FIX IT NOW!" Pearl screamed, shoving the remote into Diamond's chest.

"Why do _I_ have to fix it?" Diamond said, tossing the remote back at him. Pearl caught it and put it back in Diamond's hands.

"It's _your_ TV dude!"

"But _you_ probably broke it in the first place!"

"Me? I didn't do anything! You have no proof!"

"The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence!"

"DIAMOND, I SWEAR TO ALMIGHTY GOD I WILL FART ALL OVER YOU IF YOU DON'T FIX THE TV RIGHT NOW!"

"DO IT THEN! I DARE YOU! I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU MOTHERFUCKER-Okay, okay, I'll do it! Just put your pants back on!" He added quickly as Pearl began to unzip his pants for 'maximum effect'… Diamond pushed all of the remote's buttons in hopes that something might work. When nothing happened, he began to get impatient. "WORK TV WHORE!" He yelled, throwing the remote at the screen, causing it to miraculously work again.

"YES! I would kiss you right now Diamond if it weren't for the fact that you're a fudge packer."

"Dick burglar…" Diamond muttered back as he changed the channel to a music video. The video for Coheed and Cambria's song 'Welcome Home' was on. "I love this song!"

"How the hell could you like this song? The guy has a chick's voice!"

"So what? He's talented and Coheed and Cambria's a really creative band-

"Creative band of homos…"

"They're not homos! They are- Oh just forget it! It's not like _your_ opinion matters anyway…"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're _incapable_ of making an honest opinion on a song that doesn't have almost naked women in it…" Diamond said, rolling his eyes at him.

"You're _incapable_ of getting laid!" Pearl quipped back.

"What?! You've never been laid before either!"

"I beg to differ, marshmallow nuts. Just two chapters ago I was raped (and almost crucified…) by Care Bears. And as impossibly impossible as that sounds (Diamond: And is…), I distinctly remember their furry little shafts sliding in and out of my-

"Enough! Getting raped and getting laid are two completely different things!"

"Whatever! It still proves that the Care Bears find _me_ more attractive than _you_!"

"But that's not even what we're talking about-

"The care bears have spoken bitch!"

"But I wasn't even-

"I'm prettier than you!"

"But-

"I'm pretty, oh so pretty! So pretty and witty and (not) gay!"

"Pearl-

"I make the girls go skeet when they look at my physique. From my head to my ass and my feet to my hips, I got a body that will make your penis stiff!"

"Pearl, I swear to God-

"I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for these Care Bears, too sexy for Diamond's little dick-

"YOU COCK JUGGLING THUNDER CUNT!" Diamond roared before throwing the remote at Pearl and hitting him right between the eyes. Not surprisingly, Pearl lunged on top of him and they proceeded to beat the living shit out of each other.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Take it easy you crazy little bastards!

"RTJ?" They said simultaneously before I mystically pulled them off of each other.

Yes, it is I, RTJ! The incredible, indelible, delectable, invincible, unbeatable, desirable, edible, comfortable, flexible, (rarely) dependable, unbreakable, laughable, lovable, charitable, convertible, perceptible, intangible, audible, legible, indivisible, credible, ostensible, unsurpassable, biodegradable-

"Shut the fuck up!" Pearl yelled. I promptly dropped a sack of bricks on top of his head using my ORGASMIC author powers. "I think I'm choking on my pancreas…"

Oh silly Pearl, when are you going to learn that you will always be my bitch?

"Cock guzzler…"

WHAT WAS THAT?!

"Oh nothing…"

…

"AAAAHHH!" He screamed as I magically dropped a second sack of bricks on top of him. "THE PAIN IS UNYIELDING AND EVERLASTING!"

"What the hell do you want now RTJ?" Diamond asked as he rolled the brick sacks off of Pearl. Pearl sat up and cradled the back of his head.

"Thanks dude-AAAHHHH!" He screamed. Diamond had pulled a brick out of one of the bags and dropped it on Pearl's crotch.

"That's for saying I have a little dick!" Pearl angrily snatched one of the bags back and threw a brick back at Diamond, aiming for his face. He ducked and then they began to take turns throwing bricks at each other. I quickly got fed up with this and made the bags disappear.

For the love of me! You guys are like freaking little kids! If you two can't get along then I'll send you to another dimension like last time! Does the Munchkin Massacre ring any bells?

They quickly and obediently sat back down on the couch.

That's more like it. Okay readers out there! I bet you're all wondering why I haven't updated again… since January… Before you all brutally murder me with chainsaws-Seriously, put them away! You're scaring the shit out of me… I actually have a good reason for not updating this time… sort of…

"This should be good…" Diamond said.

No talky! Anyway, in about February, my little cousin Elijah came over to my house. Now, not to put the kid down or anything but… he's an idiot -.-

"And that isn't a put down… how?" Diamond asked.

One more word out of you and I'll have you skinned alive by a fortune telling zebra!

"…What?"

Anyway, Elijah took my old scooter out of my basement and begged me to watch this trick he knew, right? So then, the next thing I know, he's swinging the scooter around in a circle like a freaking retard. Before I could stop him from breaking something (or decapitating me -.-) he accidentally let go of it… and guess where it landed.

"In between Kim Kardashian's breasts?" Pearl asked hopefully.

No, you little sicko… It smashed my fucking computer screen! And if that wasn't enough for the cruel mistress I call Fate, I used to keep my computer tower thingy and my modem box all on top of my desk, so when the monitor smashed and fell off my desk, it took everything else with it. Again -.- And to top it all off, my parents refused to get it fixed or get a new one. Oh no. They told me to get a job and get a new one myself. My reaction was along the lines of… ME?! WORKING?! WTF?! They thought it would teach me responsibility or some other cockamamie bullshit like that but the only thing I learned is that working sucks (especially when your job involves re-stocking the shelves at the super market… over and over and over and over… you get the idea) and that I shouldn't give scooters to kids that had to repeat the first grade…

But now that I've gotten a new computer, I can finally get back to the story! Isn't this exciting you guys?

"…So Diamond," Pearl said, completely ignoring me. "Would you think any less of me if I told you that I think the ends of my fingertips look like titties?"

"Pearl. You're the same guy that needed instructions on how to us the hand dryers in the school bathrooms… and then got your dick caught in one. I can't possibly think any less of you after that."

"So you wouldn't think less of me even if I told you that I want to go to the bathroom right now and masturbate to my own fingertips?"

"God damn it I hate you Pearl…"

Hey! Were you two listening to me at all?

"Nope."

"Not at all."

How would you two like to take a trip to another dimension?

"How would you like to suck our balls?" Pearl answered back. Suddenly a gigantic pair of pure black arms made of darkness and misery burst out of the TV screen and snatched up Diamond and Pearl. Before they had a chance to complain or plead for mercy, the arms dragged them into the TV screen. "DUDE! NOT COOL!" Pearl yelped just before his head disappeared into the void.

Muhahahahahaha! I love doing that! Anyway, sorry for making you guys wait (again…) but this time it was really just out of my control. Sowwy D: As for the next chapter, it will be called 'A View of Your Coffin'. I've decided to cut it into about 3 or 4 different chapters instead of one giant one because it would just be way too much for one chapter. I'm not going to tell you when I'm going to put it up because I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'm an extremely unlucky person and just about anything that could go wrong, probably will go wrong.

Oh and before I forget, since people have told me that they still have OC's they want to submit, I'm re-allowing people to submit their OC's! All I ask is that you guys use the same rules I laid down in Chapter 49 (NO BRICKS, STICKS OR KICKS!) and leave them in either a review or in an inbox message. I'll eventually tell you if I accepted your character or not and how I might use them in the story. Depending on how much I rack my imagination, I might use them in this arc or the next one.

'Kay, I think I got through everything I wanted to say- Oh yeah! Let's see where I sent Diamond and Pearl!

Meanwhile…

Diamond and Pearl found themselves in a world that seemed to be completely made out of clouds and rainbows. Unfortunately for Pearl, this was the domain of the Satanic Care Bears from before. Pearl was running for his life while Diamond was leaning against a rainbow and laughing his ass off.

"GET THE ATTRACTIVE ONE!" The Care Bears all yelled in unison as they chased after Pearl with whips and bondage gear.

"DIAMOND HELP ME!"

"The Care Bears have spoken bitch!"


	68. A View of Your Coffin Part 1

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Rampardos (Rampage AKA Evil Yucky McDoo Doo Face)

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Drapion (Boner)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Grotle

Gastradon

Drifblim

Happiny

Aggron

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

* * *

(Um... okay... So, can you please tell me_ how_ he got us to take him here again?) Weavile asked. He and Houndoom were standing in front of an abandoned Victoria's Secret, waiting for Gliscor to come out.

(He said that if we didn't take him here, he was going to poison our rations...) Houndoom answered bitterly. Weavile grimaced and absentmindedly scratched his stomach. When you worked for Pride you could only expect two things: excessive violence and extremely low food rations. Pride kept Weavile, Houndoom, Gliscor, and Dante's food rations low because she was paranoid that they would rise up against her. Gyarados and Tyranitar were exempt because they followed her blindly no matter what happened to them…

(That little bastard... We should just go beat the ever living shit out of him for even _thinking_ about it!) Weavile said indignantly. He started to grind his teeth; half from frustration, half from gnawing hunger.

(We could... But that won't stop the Lady from beating the ever living shit out of _us_ afterwards…)

(Well, we could-

(We're _not_ slitting his neck open and burning the evidence...)

(Damn!) Weavile said, defeated. He leaned against the front doors of the Victoria's Secret and occupied himself by thinking of different ways to kill Gliscor, from stabbing him in the face with his own tail to cutting off his pincers and using them as a bitching pair of castanets.

(GUYS!) Gliscor shouted, ramming through the front doors and sending Weavile sprawling. He came out wearing a thong over his head. (Guys look! I found a sexy party hat!) Weavile angrily got back up and had his "I'm going to shank you through the eyes with my stabbity claws of doom" face on. Houndoom tried to hold him back by biting his tail feathers but Weavile still struggled against him and savagely lashed out at Gliscor.

(Let go of me dickhead!) Weavile ordered. (I'm going to rip his head off, damn the consequences!) Gliscor raised his claws over his thong defensively and stuck his tongue out at Weavile.

(Get your own sexy party hat you soggy douche!)

(What the _hell_ are you talking about? That's a thong retard!)

(Don't be silly. This is obviously a party hat of bonerific quality. Don't you see its playful cone shaped design and its bright and delightful color scheme?)

(... Are you insane? If it looks, feels, smells, and tastes like a thong... IT'S A THONG!)

(Pfft! You're just jealous of the fierce orgasmic pleasure I get from this hat!)

(_I'm_ not jealous! _You're_ just fucking stupid!) Weavile raised his arm to slash at him again. Houndoom abruptly let go of his tail feathers just as he slashed down, making him lose his balance and fall flat on his face. (What the hell was that for?) Weavile asked as he got up for the second time and glared at the alpha male Houndoom. He was apprehensively sniffing at the air. His whole body was tense and he had his fangs bared.

(Run...) He hissed through gritted teeth.

(What?) Gliscor asked.

(RUN!) He roared as he bolted to the right. Weavile wasn't sure what his companion had sensed but he caught on to the urgency of the situation instantly and ran to the left, leaving Gliscor at the front of the store and very confused.

(Guys, what's going on? Are we under attack? I don't see any-AAAAHHHH!) He screamed as a glowing, purple sickle of energy was launched straight for him. Before he could even lift off the ground to fly away, the Psycho Cut rammed into him, leaving a bloody gash that ran from Gliscor's forehead down to the base of his tail. The attack sent him crashing through the Victoria's Secret's front doors. And if that wasn't enough, the Psycho Cut's energy didn't dissipate after it struck. Rather, it hung motionless in the air for a few seconds and suddenly reshaped itself into a small, dense ball of psychic energy and, without warning, exploded like a bomb. The explosion not only sent Gliscor tumbling farther into the store but also blew out the store's front wall, making glass and rubble fly in every direction. Weavile gritted his teeth and shielded his face with his arms as he nearly was swept away by the gust of glass. A few dozen of the shards raked his arms and sides but he ignored the pain; he had been through much worse, after all.

(DANTE!) He shouted. He couldn't see him through the swirling dust and pandemonium but he didn't need to. Dante was the only one he knew that could manipulate a Psycho Cut like that... The dust subsided after a few more seconds and the glass and rubble settled at their feet. Weavile looked over at Houndoom, who, like him, was bleeding yet still standing strong. Oh and lets not forget extremely pissed off at a certain Gallade...

(Dante! Show yourself you coward!) Houndoom snalred into the air. Dante was still nowhere in sight, which meant that another attack could come from just about anywhere. Weavile and Houndoom both shuffled closer to the door (well, actually its just a huge gaping hole at this point...), just in case they had to make a quick getaway...

"_Good evening masters Weavile and Houndoom_..." Dante said telepathically, his voice seemingly disembodied. Flames began to escape from the gaps between Houndoom's teeth and Weavile cradled a Shadow Ball in between his claws; both of them were ready to attack at a moment's notice. "_Up here gentlemen..._" They both looked straight over their heads. They found Dante looming over them with an unknown Buneary sitting on his shoulder. Dante stood with his arms behind his back and with a calm look on his face, like he _hadn't_ just tried to blow them up… The Buneary had a wide, toothy sneer and a fierce look in his eyes that reminded them both of Lady Vanity... Weavile was the first to attack, firing the Shadow Ball directly for Dante's head. Dante merely tilted his head out of the way and let the Buneary on his shoulder take it instead. As the Shadow Ball passed right through him, the Buneary's smirk grew even wider and he began to almost shiver with excitement.

(Oh come on Dante, just let me smack them around a little!) He said, hopping up and down on Dante's shoulder a few times.

"_I told you already Hoppy, you are only here to watch_."

(But why should you get to have all the fun?! It's not fair!) He said, flailing around and swinging his fists around like a child that isn't getting his way.

"_Be careful_!" Dante warned, trying to move his head out of Hoppy's reach. "_Stop it before you-OH SHIT_!" He shouted, his voice losing its apathy, as one of Hoppy's ears smacked him in the face. And as we all know, getting hit by one of those things is the equivalent of getting hit by a small bus... full of orphans. "_Oh my God I think you broke my face!_" Hoppy just rolled his eyes at him.

(Oh please, it can't be that bad you overgrown can opener (Dante: What?). Here, let me see it.) He said, pulling Dante's arm out of the way. (Eww... Never mind...) He said, wincing at Dante's swollen face.

(Fucking clowns...) Houndoom snarled. Unable to hold himself back anymore, he released the Flamethrower attack he had been building up, aiming straight for Dante. Hoppy jumped off of Dante's shoulder and dove headfirst, straight into the Flamethrower's path.

"_What are you doing_?!" Dante shouted before jumping off as well. He caught the Buneary by the foot just before the flames touched him and Teleported them both out of the way just in time. Down below, Weavile and Houndoom stood back to back, determined not to let them get the upperhand. To their surpise, Dante re-appeared at the other side of the street, straight across from them. He held Hoppy upside down by the feet. He struggled to break out of Dante's grip with all of his might.

(Come on Dante!) He whined. (I wanna stomp them in the nuts! Oh and could you put me down now?... Can't you hear me? I said put me down! Seriously bro, I'm starting to see red!... BITCH, I DEMAND YOU PUT ME DOWN! I AM THE MOTHERFUCKING FUHRER!)

"_Please be quiet_..." Dante said before putting his other hand to his face and using Recover to turn it back to normal. "_That's better... Now as I was saying before, how have you two been? I do hope you've been keeping well_-

(Cut the crap Dante!) Weavile snarled through gritted teeth. (You've got some kind of nerve attacking us like that! We're on the same fucking side, remember? And who the hell is he?) He said, pointing at the struggling Buneary.

"_This is Hoppy, who was previously one of Diamond's pokemon. Our Lady originally wanted to keep him as a hostage but they have... taken a certain liking to each other..._" Dante explained. There was something really unsettling about Hoppy... He was stronger than most Buneary ever hoped to be and he had an appetite for carnage that rivaled most predators... He seemed to actually _enjoy_ it when Pride attacked people and practically begged her to allow him to tag along with Dante on this mission. He also didn't seem to care that he was away from Diamond anymore... "_As for the reason we're here... The Lady has deemed the three of you as_... _traitors_..." He said with a hint of sadness in his voice. Weavile felt his heart drop down to his stomach. To Pride, treason was the worst possible offense you could commit against her. Being called a traitor was pretty much the equivalent of being sent to the gallows...

(But what did we do?!) Houndoom asked furiously.

"_What you_ did not do_ would be the better question_... _Not only does the Lady know that Diamond is still alive, she also knows that the three of you walked out on the job before it was finished. She took that as an act of treason and thus ordered your immediate capture.._." Weavile mentally cursed at himself.

(That stupid Rampardos didn't finish the job for us...) He thought. He and Houndoom both straightened up and braced themselves into fighting stances. They may have been deemed traitors but there was no way they would be captured... without a fight.

(In other words... Prepare to be fucked by the long hard dick of the law motherfuckers!) Hoppy said, breaking free from Dante and leaping in with a Jump Kick, adding a somersault just to show off. Weavile dodged it and, just before he hit the ground, grabbed Hoppy by the ears. Spinning him in a circle first, Weavile hurled the Buneary towards Houndoom, who had opened his mouth wide to attack with Fire Fang. Just before Hoppy flew into his mouth, Dante fired a Focus Blast and hit Houndoom directly in his right flank, sending him toppling. Hoppy landed safely on his feet and glared at Dante. (Don't get in my way Dante! This is my fight!)

"..._No it's not_! _The Lady specifically told_ me _to capture them_!"

(And _I'm_ specifically telling you to let me handle this or I'll punch you in the dick!)

"_I'm not going to take orders from a pokemon that doesn't even come up to my knees_!" Hoppy opened his mouth to retort but Weavile, taking advantage of the distraction, fired a round of Ice Shards at him and pelted him directly in the chest, making him fall backwards. (OW! You hit me in my titty region!)

"..._You don't have a titty region_! _You're a boy- Oh forget it_..." Dante said. There was no point in talking sense into him... He just hung back and let Hoppy worry about himself. Weavile cackled and fired another round of Ice Shards. Ready for it this time, Hoppy got up and backflipped out of the way and lunged back at Weavile, this time opting for a Fire Punch. However, Weavile proved to be too fast for Hoppy as he dodged his attack for the second time. This time he grabbed the Buneary by the foot and forcefully hurled him down to the ground, knocking the wind out of him.

(Motherfucker...) Hoppy gasped.

"_You're out of your league, don't you get that_?" Dante asked. "_Just let me help_-

(I can do this! I have ninja testicles!) Hoppy said, springing back to his feet. He and Weavile exchanged a quick flurry of punches, neither of them gaining the upper hand at first. Hoppy ducked under a particularly nasty right hook and tried to knock Weavile off his feet with Low Kick. Weavile jumped back and, pivoting on one leg, roundhouse kicked Hoppy in the side of the face. As the Buneary staggered back in pain, Houndoom plowed into him Iron Tail, sending him flying until he landed at Dante's feet. He wearily got up again, determined not to lose. (What part of "I'm gonna fuck you in the mouth with the long hard dick of the law" do you bastards not understand?!) Weavile and Houndoom first looked at each other and then back at Hoppy.

(All of it...) They said simutaneously.

(THE DICK OF THE LAW SHALL NOT GO UNFUCKED!) He yelled, leaping in with a Jump Kick again. Weavile and Houndoom both fired a Dark Pulse at him in midair and sent him skidding back to Dante's feet again. (Okay, I'll admit... That one hurt _a little_...) Weavile and Houndoom rolled their eyes. Despite what Hoppy thought, he was no match for them on his own. They just wanted him out of the way so they could get to Dante...

(Give it up kid. You can't beat us all on your own.) Weavile said.

(This hardly seems any fun at all...) Houndoom said.

(Let's make this more interesting then... Catch us if you can Dante!) Weavile taunted before he and Houndoom ran inside the half ruined building behind them. Dante narrowed his eyes eyes; he knew this was just a trap... But Hoppy didn't seem to think so. He sprang back to his feet with renewed vigor, despite what Weavile said.

(Let's go in there already!) Hoppy said, bouncing a little from excitement. (I wanna kick some serious ass!)

(_Fine but we're not going in blind..._) He closed his eyes and concentrated on bringing his "Aura Sight" out of dormancy... You see, Dante isn't like most Gallade... or most pokemon for that matter. He was born with the power to see and detect Auras just as competently as any Lucario. Sometimes normal pokemon are born with Aura powers but very few people actually encounter them because they are either kicked out of their packs or slaughtered by other pokemon for being different... Pride only kept Dante around because his Aura powers were her greatest asset. As long as she had Dante around, she could pinpoint her target's exact location whenever she wanted to. Nothing could escape her... It was through him that she knew about the "betrayal" in the first place...

When Dante opened them again, the whites of his eyes had turned light blue, juxtaposing his dark red eyes. He blinked a few times to get used to his new sight. He couldn't see things as they physically were anymore, rather, he could only see the Aura that radiated off of them. Looking at someone's Aura was like looking at their essence; the Aura responded to their thoughts and emotions, and accurately conveyed who they were as a person. Dante first looked down at Hoppy, who had an intense yellow-gold Aura around him that flickered and sparked around him hyperactively. He then turned his sight on the half ruined building in front of them, his eyes piercing through the darkness inside. Through his eyes, Dante saw Houndoom's blood red Aura lying in wait and Gliscor's pale brown Aura charge haphazardly around in frenzied panic, both of them on the second floor. He found Weavile's midnight blue Aura hiding on the third floor, on edge, ready to attack at a moment's notice.

His eyes were beginning to sting from the strain Aura reading put on them but it didn't matter, he had all that he needed. He let his eyes return to normal and blinked a few times to adjust to normal sight again. At first, everything was blurry, like they were underwater for a long time but slowly, they became solid again. Hoppy cocked an eyebrow at him, unsure of what Dante was doing.

(Uh... What's with the glowy eye trick?)

"_I was just divining the whereabouts of our quarries via the omniscient faculties of an invisible yet everflowing essencescape that governs all that which lives and dies_..."

(...I see... Now could you say that again in the vernacular, Shakespeare?)

"..._I figured out where they're hiding_..."

(Oh. You could have just said that dude...)

"_Whatever_..."

(Alright! Let's go in there! We've got asses to kick and faces to fuck!) Hoppy said. Unable to hold in his excitement, he jumped and did backflips in place.

"We're _not going anywhere_. I'm _going to go in alone_ _and_ you're _going to stay here_."

(I told you already, I'm not-What the hell?!) Hoppy excalaimed as glowing white lines formed underneath him and intersected into a grid pattern. The lines rose wertically out of the ground, climbing up invisible walls, and created a small cage around the Buneary. "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat theeeeeeeeeeeeeee fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck...?" Hoppy said, drawing out his words extremely slowly.

"_I trapped you in a miniature Trick Room_," Dante explained. "_That should keep you out of the way long enough for me to capture those three_. _In retrospect I should have done that from the beginning_..."

(YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU'RRRRRRREEEEEE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA PRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!) The Buneary shouted. Furiously, he tried to run at him but to Dante, it just looked like he was walking slowly in place. Satisfied, Dante telported inside the building's second floor under the cover of darkness, where Houndoom and Gliscor were. He crouched behind a large, plastic bust model that had been knocked over during the explosion on the first floor. Houndoom on the other hand was crouching behind a shelf of D cup bras. He picked up on Dante's scent almost as soon as his feet touched the ground.

(That scent... Dante's here!) He whispered to Gliscor.

(This one has no support whatsoever... How's a large breasted girl going to lift and support her chesticles with this crap?) Gliscor asked no one in particular. He hadn't been paying any attention whatsoever and busied himself by trying on different bras.

(Stop that!) Houndoom hissed. (Dante's here and we need a plan to stop him!)

(...Why?) Houndoom looked at him as if he was insane... which wasn't too far from the truth... You would think that after somebody hit you with a Psycho Cut and then tried to blow you up, you would identify them as the "bad guy"...

(What kind of stupid question is that?! If he gets us he'll take us back to the Lady and she'll kill us off you idiot!)

(Hmm... This is serious indeed...) Gliscor said, stroking an imaginary beard in contemplation. (Ooh! I know! Let's make moose noises to distract him Cerberus!) he suggested, calling Houndoom by his real name.

(...What? That's a terrible idea-WAIT! TRAFALGAR STAY HERE!) He snarled, calling him by his true name in return. The Gliscor flew out from behind their hiding place before Cerberus could stop him.

(MOOSE NOISES! MOOSE NOISES! MOOSE NOISES!) He yelled at the top of his lungs. Dante sighed. Maybe he didn't need to use his Aura Sight at all; they were perfectly capable of blowing their own stealth just with Trafalgar around. Dante jumped out from behind his own hiding spot and lunged after the Gliscor with an Ice Punch. (YOU SHAN'T GET ME AGAIN YOU SOGGY DOUCHE!) Trafalgar yelled. He ripped a chunk of wood from the shelf nearest to him and threw it at Dante before gliding down another aisle. Dante extended the blades from his arms and deftly slashed the debris in half before it reached his face. As he was distracted, Cerberus leapt out from where he was hiding and shot a Fire Blast at Dante. But by the time the deadly flames reached where he was just standing, Dante had already teleported again.

He reappeared behind a shelf (of thongs no less). He glanced over the side of it and found Cerberus standing still and sniffing the air, trying to figure out where he teleported to. Dante created a Focus Blast in between his palms and got in position to throw it but Cerberus' ears suddenly perked up; he had found him.

(DANTE!) The Houndoom barked, turning to where Dante was hiding, flames escaping from his mouth. Dante rushed out from behind his shelf and fired the Focus Blast anyway, now that he had nowhere to hide. Cerberus ducked under it and smirked back at him. (He's all yours Trafalgar.) Before Dante had a chance to turn around, Trafalgar came up from behind him and wrapped his tail around his neck, effectively choking him.

(So you like smacking people around with Psycho Cut, eh Dante?!) Trafalgar asked, squeezing Dante's neck tighter. Dante's Psycho Cut had left a huge scar that ran the length of his entire body and down to the tip of his tail. Dante desperately gasped for air as he tried to rip the tail off. He thought about teleporting but there was one fatal flaw. Anyone touching him while he used Teleport would just be brought with him... (It's time to go for a ride you overgrown can opener!) He said gleefully. He suddenly flew down the nearest aisle, dragging Dante by the neck haphazardly and cackling like a maniac. He zigzagged back and forth through the aisles, making Dante's head slam against the shelves and poles.

(That's enough! Bring him back here so we can finish him off!) Weavile said, coming down the stairs. Trafalgar grudgingly dragged him back to the center aisle and let go of him. Dante dropped down to his hands and knees and desperately gasped for air. Weavile joined Cerberus at his side. Wordlessly, all three of them began charging up Hyper Beams. Dante, having regained his senses, teleported back outside (next to a still extremely sluggish Hoppy) just before the attacks struck. The attacks met and caused a powerful explosion blew a hole in the floor and made the whole building shake.

(HE FUCKING GOT AWAY AGAIN!) Weavile howled.

"_Shit that was close_..." Dante said, rubbing his neck. Determined not to lose, he activated his Aura Sight again. This time his eyes were beginning to sting from overuse, even before he fully activated it. Aura Sight wasn't meant to be used repeatedly... Before he could scope out the others' Auras, he sensed two completely different Auras behind him. One had a pale gray Aura whose thoughts didn't venture much from wondering what its next meal will be and the other was the familiar royal purple Aura of...

"I knew I shouldn't have left this to you Dante..." Pride said. Dante turned around, returning his eyes back to normal and faced his mistress, his heat plummeting. She was riding in on an Aerodactyl that he had never even seen before. It circled him like a scavenger before touching down a feet away from him and Hoppy and towering over them. Dante tried to keep a straight face but he had a sneaking suspicion that it wanted to chew his legs off... Pride dismounted from the ancient pokemon and glared furiously at him, sending shivers down his spine. "How is it that you have the power to see anything and everything at the same time yet you _still_ aren't able to defeat traitorous trash like those three (ALLITERATION!)?"

"But... My Lady, you know I will go blind if I use it too oft-

"Excuses are for the weak and impotent (in every sense of the word)! Now silence yourself and step aside you insufferable slime socket (MORE ALLITERATION!)!... Where does that keep coming from?" She asked, looking around in paranoia. "Hmph! I'll find you mystery alliteration man... Now where was I? Oh yes, I remember now. Move out of the way fool!" She yelled shoving him out of her way. She threw three pokeballs down to the ground, releasing Tyranitar and two more pokemon Dante had never seen before, a Scizor and a Magmortar. She then looked over at Dante again. The Aerodactyl brushed past him and lined into position with the others, making a point of hitting Dante in the back as it went. Hearing the commotion outside, the three pokemon on the inside, looked through the second story's large window. They panicked as soon as they saw their Lady Vanity glaring back up at them and ran back into the darkness of the store.

(WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!) Dante heard Trafalgar scream from the inside...

"HYPER BEAM!" Pride screamed. All of the pokemon on the outside (excluding Hoppy and Dante) fired the deadly energy beams, aiming for the second floor. The four beams combined and created an earth shattering explosion, causing glass, rubble and smoke fly in all directions. Unable to hold the strain anymore, the building's support beams fell apart, making the whole building collapse in on itself and taking Weavile, Gliscor, and Houndoom with it... "...Let this be a lesson to all of you," Pride said, turning to her five remaining pokemon. "Betray me, and I will _not_ hesitate to destroy you. Remember that every single one of you is replaceable... unfortunately, that doesn't include _you_ Dante..." With that said, all four other pokemon turned and glared at him. Dante turned his head away and tried not to look them in the eyes; he was only exempt because of his eyes but _they_ didn't know that... Pride returned Scizor, Magmortar and Tyranitar to their pokeballs, leaving Dante and Aerodactyl. Aerodactyl snarled at him and licked his craggy lips.

"_Um... Where did you get him from_?" Dante asked nervously.

"I have my sources Dante. None of which you should pester your little mind with..."

"_Well could you at least put him on a leash_...? _He looks like he wants to eat me or some-OW_!" He screamed. Hoppy had finally broke free of the miniature Trick Room and wasted no time in delivering a dropkick to the back of Dante's head, forcing him down to the ground.

(YOU! FUCKING! STUPID! PIECE! OF! CRAP! YOU! MADE! ME! MISS! THE! BIG! ASS! EXPLOSION! YOU! MOTHER! FUCKER!) Hoppy shouted, kicking him in the side between every word. Pride smirked down at him and scooped him into her arms.

"This Buneary amuses me... I think I know _exactly_ what I need to do with you..." She purred, placing him on Aerodactyl's back. "Take him back to Gyarados, _unharmed_. That means if you eat him I'll turn you back into a fossil. _Got it_?" Aerodactyl replied by letting out a shrill cry and opening its wings, nearly knocking Hoppy off in the process.

(HOLY CRAP!) The Buneary screamed as Aerodactyl lifted off of the ground, holding onto his neck for dear life. Aerodactyl circled them for a moment, casting one last hungry look at Dante, before flying out into the distance. Once she couldn't see them anymore, Pride turned to Dante with a disdainful look in her eyes.

"Come with me Dante..." she said, walking with her arms folded behind her. Dante gulped and slowly followed her, terrified of what she might do to him... "I'm not happy with you Dante..." She hissed.

"_What else is new_...?" Dante thought sarcastically.

"I pick and train pokemon to be well oiled fighting machines... yet you are like a cog doesn't fit... Reluctance to kill... Exchanging pleasantries with the enemy... YOU MAKE ME SICK!" She said suddenly. She turned around the spot and pointed a dagger at Dante's throat, leaving a tiny gap of air between the metal and flesh. This dagger was an exact duplicate of the one Diamond destroyed earlier.

"_My Lady_! _I_-

"And today! Not once but TWICE I've had to step in and do the job myself! Can you do anything right?!"

"_I-_

_"_You _can't_!" She said, answering for him. Just as suddenly as she took it out, she sheathed the dagger back onto her belt. Instead, she took a small black, remote control device off of her belt and held it in front of Dante's face. "Do you remember what this does Dante?" His eyes widened in horror; he knew all too well what that does... "I don't like failure Dante... One more screw up and that precious Gardevoir you care so much for will meet the wrong end of a rifle. _Got it_?" she hissed.

"_Yes my lady_..." He replied, sullen and defeated.

"I mean it this time Dante. All it takes is _one. More. Screw. Up_..." she said, bringing her thumb closer to the button with every word.

"_Okay_! _I'll do whatever you say_! _No more screw ups_..."

"I'm glad we're in agreement with each other," she said pocketing the device and turning away from the Gallade. Dante clenched his fists and glared daggers at her; if Pride even so much as touched a hair on _her_ head he would kill her without a moment's hesitation... "Now use those eyes of yours and find out where Diamond and Pearl are hiding," she ordered. Dante activated his Aura Sight for the third time, ignoring the stinging pain it produced. He couldn't afford to get on Pride's bad side anymore...

Luckily for him, he found Diamond and Pearl's Auras quickly, even though they were all the way on the other side of the city. After all, they had the two of the biggest and most distinct Auras Dante had ever seen. Pearl's was cerise colored, absolutely massive and seemed to have a mind of its own. It twisted, spun, flashed, spiked, warped, swirled, and undulated around him like a out of control beast. Sometimes the Aura would build up too much in one area and a random item would appear out of nowhere...

While Pearl's Aura was practically a swirling, chaotic, monster all on its own, Diamond's was like a kitten on tranquilizers in comparison. His was pale blue and strangely enough, it didn't glow on the outside of his body like everyone else's. Instead, it stayed on the inside of his body, condensed into a super dense ball like a black hole, and was extremely inactive...

"_They're moving towards the south_... _And two others are traveling with them_... _And it seems that a large group of um_... _uh_..."

"Spit it out!"

"_Um_... _It seems that the four of them are being pursued by a large mass of angry, homosexual, Estonian prosti_-_AH_!" He cried out. He was unable to withstand the stinging in his eyes anymore and was forced return to his normal vision once more. "_I_-_I'm sorry my lady_... _I can't do it anymore_-_OW_! Pride lost her patience and rapped him on the head with her knuckles. She then turned around and started walking away.

"Come you overgrown can opener! If we move now we can intercept them-

"Hehehe... Looks like you haven't changed at all Vanity... Just as cutthroat as ever..." A raspy voice said from out of nowhere. Pride and Dante spun around on the spot, looking for the intruder. They found a second girl leaning against the lamppost across from them with a Weezing floating by her side. The Weezing was slowly loosing out a cloud of noxious gray gas but the girl didn't seem to care; she was breathing it in as if it was regular air. She flashed them a wide, crooked and toothy smile and waved her arms out theatrically. "Come here and give ya big sister a hug!" She said merrily. Pride, however, stayed where she was and glared disapprovingly back at her.

"_Gluttony_..." She hissed.

"So you _do_ remember me!" Gluttony said happily. "I was worried you didn't remember me for a second there!" At first glance, she didn't look like the average picture of a "glutton". She looked more like a walking skeleton... For one, she was very tall and lanky and in no way did she look like she was in good health. Her skin was graying and she was unnaturally skinny, almost to the point of emaciation, with her ribs clearly poking out under her shirt. She wore black jeans that sagged below her waist and a black crop top with a picture of a large, disgusting looking horsefly on it. Her once brown hair was, like her skin, turning gray like the color of cigarette smoke. She had several ear and nose rings and her eyes were a bright amber that made them almost look orange. Her eyes were also wide open and bloodshot. She liked to hold her head up at strange angles and she almost always seemed to have a cheeky smile on her face...like she always knew something you didn't...

"I wish I did forget about you... and the rest of you Sins for that matter..." Pride responded icily. Gluttony just flashed her another wide, toothy smirk.

"Aww, don't be like that Baby V!" She said, much to Pride's annoyance.

"_Do not_ call me that," Pride ordered.

"'Fraid I can't do that Vanity. You may be the head honcho of us Sinseys but let's not forget that _I'm _the oldest sister." Pride was 16 while Gluttony was about 20. Pride gave her the "I'm gonna blow your intestines apart with firecrackers" glare and that seemed to unnerve Gluttony a bit. She got over it fairly quickly and smirked again. "Geez, calm down V! I'm just teasing you; y'know, sisterly like! After all, we sisters gots to stick together. Familial bonds and what not, right?" She asked, receiving no answer. She then, unexpectedly, stuck her hand inside her Weezing's smaller head. She pulled out a cigar (gran corona of course), a cigarette, and a joint and stuck them all in her mouth at the same time. The Weezing spat a lighter into her hand which she promptly used to light up her smokes. She happily breathed the toxins in and a look of euphoria washed over her (so much that she actually started twitching a little...). "THIS IS THE BEST SHIT EVER!" She exclaimed suddenly. "Keep em coming Weezing!" The smaller head of her Weezing spat out several more cigarettes into Gluttony's hand. Pride rolled her eyes and crossed her arms.

"You may be the oldest but you still act like a child... and a _pig_..." She added as Gluttony piled more joints and cigars into her mouth.

"Ficks and fones Famifee (Sticks and stones Vanity)," Gluttony said with her mouth full of assorted drugs. She put them all in between her fingers and reached her other hand into Weezing's larger head. She pulled out a bottle of whiskey along with a glass cup. "Want some?"

"No..."

"I was hoping you'd say that!" She said before tossing the cup away and chugging down the entire bottle in one go.

"RTJ!" Alex said from out of nowhere.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" Pride roared.

"I'm a tad bit confused here... If she's supposed to be _Gluttony_, how come she isn't, you know, fatty ginormous? And how come she's scarfing down beer and smokes?" Alex continued, completely ignoring Pride.

That's actually a good question Alex (Pride: No it's not! Get back to _me_ here!). You see, despite what most people think, the sin of gluttony isn't just about food. It's about consuming food, drinks (most of the time alcoholic) and drugs (if you want to get anal about it, it could mean almost anything, even concepts like punishment and work...murder, perhaps?) to the point of waste and addiction. I thought that making a fat, food obsessed Gluttony has been kind of overdone and beaten to death already. I wanted to do something a little different so i decided to make her appear more like a skeleton than a fat ass and addicted to alcohol, drugs, and nicotine. But she does have a _slight_ fetish for candy-

"CANDY?!" Gluttony screamed manically. "GIVE ME CANDY! WHERE'S THE CANDY?! WHO HAS THE CANDY?!"

"Pride has candy!" Alex and I said simultaneously.

"WHAT?! You rotten little bastards! I'm gonna strangle-GET OFF OF ME YOU SMELLY IMBECILE!" Pride shrieked. Gluttony had rushed up to her and was feeling her up and down (and in some of the most invasive of places...) in search of candy. Dante tried to suppress a giggle as his master struggled to get out of her sister's grasp and maintain her personal space. "I DON'T HAVE ANY CANDY YOU FOOL!"

"Aww that can't be true Baby V! You don't have a single pinch of prideful peppermints for my pleasure? Not a carton of callous caramel for my craving? Not a chunk of churlish chocolate, to my chagrin (MOST ALLITERATION!)? Not a- Whoa! Check out these tits!" She exclaimed randomly, squeezing Pride's breasts together (I love the world XD). "Your boobs have grown so much since the last time I saw you! They're almost as big as Lust's now! If I was a different sort of gal I'd squeeze and lick these puppies and never let go-

"GLUTTONY!" Pride roared, her face going red from a mixture of her rage and blushing. Unable to control herself anymore, she punched Gluttony in the side of the face, making her fall down to the floor and knocking all the smokes out of her mouth. "DON'T YOU _EVER_ TOUCH ME LIKE THAT AGAIN YOU DRUNK... HIGH...INSANE FREAK! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO END UP LIKE THOSE THREE DISGRACEFUL POKEMON I JUST BLEW UP, YOU BETTER LEARN YOUR PLACE GLUTTONY!" Gluttony seemed shocked at the sudden outburst, if just for a few seconds. She flashed her wide smirk again and popped another cigarette into her mouth. Then, to Pride's annoyance, she got up, turned away from her and started laughing like she knew something that Pride and Dante didn't know... "What's so funny?"

"It's funny because... Cynthia sent me here to teach you _your_ place..."

"What are you talking about?"

"...Do you see Zigzagoon circling your head too? Little motherfuckers..."

"GLUTTONY!"

"Right, sorry. She doesn't like how you've been handling this whole evil plot of hers, attacking the city much too early and such... The plan's in shambles it seems. You should have seen Cynthia; she was hollering and waving her fists around and using cuss words I've never even heard of-It was completely unladylike," she said before she let out a large belch. "'Scuse my bowels V... At least it didn't come out of my better end eh? Or God forbid, I queefed-"

"-Are you trying to tell me that Cynthia's blaming _me_ for this?" Pride said quickly to change the subject.

"Yessum!" she said cheerfully. Pride clenched her fists and her whole body was shaking with rage.

"I am BLAMELESS! This is Diamond's fault, not mine! If he hadn't done what he did then I wouldn't have needed to attack the city like this!"

"_Excuses are for the weak and impotent_..." Dante whispered to himself, quoting Pride's words.

"What exactly did he do?" Gluttony asked, even though she already knew...

"Uh... Um..." She stuttered. Dante noticed that she started blushing again... "He did something so foul, unholy and unspeakable to me that I can't repeat it in mixed company!" Gluttony started giggling again and made kissy faces at her.

"Are you sure he didn't kiss you, push you away while you weren't looking and made you look like a fool-

"PSYCHO CUT!" Pride ordered unexpectedly. Just the very _mention _of her failure was enough to send her over the edge... Dante launched the purple sickle at her almost immediately. Gluttony didn't bother moving out of the way. Rather, she bent over backwards and let it pass over her effortlessly. However, along the way, it sliced Gluttony's cigarette in two. "_How do you know about that_?" Pride hissed with as much as malice as she could (that's a whole lot of ill will going on there...). Gluttony narrowed her eyes in annoyance and flicked the cigarette away.

"I was just enjoying that too... Jesus Vanity, are you sure I didn't get you confused with Wrath or something?" she asked, recieving a death glare instead of an answer. "Anywho, I know what happened because Cynthia had me and Envy keep tabs on you and Slothykins all night. I was watching the entire thing from above on ol' Weezy, I was. That was a pretty clever trick that kid pulled off if you ask me-

"NO ONE ASKED YOU! And Diamond is not clever! He's not anything! HE'S WORTHLESS! ABSOLUTELY WORTHLESS!" She screamed at the top of her lungs, her eyes livid with anger.

"If he doesn't mean anything to you then why did you kiss him ba-." She stopped herself suddenly as she saw the look on Pride's face. She looked just about ready to rip her head off... "Nevermind... Even a loopy, twisty, tipsy gal like me knows when to hold her tongue... I think we've done enough beating around the bush Vanity..." She hissed, her voice sounding serious for once. Her eyes narrowed and she stuck her tongue out her sister, making herself look like a snake. "I didn't come here to exchange sisterly pleasantries and lap dances (Pride:...What?). My mission is take _you_ out of commission..." She pulled a pokeball out of her pocket and defiantly held it in front of her sister's face as some sort of challenge. "I believe Cynthia's exact words were... "If we are ever going to get closer to the Heart of Darkness... Pride has to be taken out of the picture..."

"CUT HER IN HALF DANTE!" Pride ordered ruthlessly. Dante lifted his arm blades but hesitated, remembering what just happened to Weavile, Houndoom and Gliscor. He didn't know if he had enough fortitude to see someone die again, let alone be their killer... "DANTE!" Pride yelled, snapping him back to reality. Though he regretted it, he launched himself at Gluttony and started slashing at her. To his surprise, she was dodging all of his attacks without much effort; she twisted and moved away at sharp angles like a snake. Starting to get frustrated, Dante slashed both of his arms down at the same time. Gluttony dodged to the left of the attack and, without warning, blew a breath of noxious purple smoke directly in his face.

"_Damn it_!" He cursed. The smoke stung his eyes like pepper spray and clogged his airways. He clutched his chest; it felt like his lungs were going to burst. He teleported back to Pride's side before he had a chance to breathe anymore of it in.

"Why are you so _useless_ Dante?" Pride asked, giving him a small rap on the head with her knuckles.

"_You didn't tell me she could spit poison_!" He said, his telepathic voice getting almost muted out by his own coughing. He wiped his eyes until he could see at least moderately well again. Gluttony was smiling from ear to ear, letting the purple smoke escape from the gaps between her teeth. She defiantly stuck her tongue out at Dante and flashed her middle finger at him.

"You're gonna have to do better than that ya overgrown can opener (Dante: _Why does everybody keep calling me that_?!)!" Her Weezing floated back to her side and released a Smokescreen that enveloped them both. "Catch me if you can Vanity!" She said as she disappeared from sight. Dante straightened up again, his coughing fit nearly over.

"Don't you dare play games with me Gluttony! Dante, use Psycho Cut!" Dante hesitated again; after all, if she could spit poison gas clouds then there was no telling what she could do. He wanted to wait and find out more about what he was dealing with but he already didn't have enough time to think. Weezing unexpectedly charged out of the Smokescreen, opting for a head on collision. Dante quickly composed himself and launched a Psycho Cut attack at it,striking it as it got close and knocking it out almost immediately. "Is that the best you've got Gluttony?" Pride taunted.

"I don't care what anybody says, I likes me a man that wears a thong..." Gluttony said dazedly from within the Smokescreen.

"...What?"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"Huh?"

"GLUTTONY!"

"HELLO!"

"Kill her before I get a tumor..." Pride said to Dante. The vein near her temple looked like it was ready to explode. To her, talking to Gluttony was like pulling teeth... Dante stepped closer to the Gluttony's smoke cloud but not without looking at Weezing first. All four of its eyes were closed but both of its mouths hung open. To Dante's horror, both heads had a pokeball inside of their mouths. Both balls opened up at the same time and two Koffing burst out and sank their small fangs into Dante's arms.

"_Get off of me_!" Dante bellowed, trying to swing them off. For some reason, their eyes suddenly shut and they let go of him on their own. Suddenly, they groaned, fainted and fell to the ground for no apparent reason. "_...Okay_?" Pride smirked, thinking she had already won. Her anger dying down a little now that she was _seemingly_ in the bask of victory again.

"Cynthia must be running out of options if she's relying on a drunk idiot and her pathetic pokemon... Finish this Dante! Psycho Cut!" Dante took one step forward and tried to aim a Psycho Cut through the mass of smoke in front of him. He concentrated on manifesting the attack like he always did but something was wrong. He found himself unable to use the attack anymore...

"_What's going on-AHH_!" He yelled as a wave of pain and fatigue washed over him, forcing him to fall down to his hands and knees.. He felt like the energy was being drained out of him, "_What the hell is this_?!" He suddenly remembered how the Koffing seemed to faint for no reason at all... "_They used Memento_ _on me_!" He realized. "_And the Weezing... It must have used Grudge to take away Psycho Cut_!" He gritted his teeth and mentally cursed at himself; they had been crippling him from the very start. Even if Gluttony was a drunk... high... insane freak, Dante had to admit that she was a surprisingly clever strategist... He could only imagine what other tactics Gluttony's twisted mind was planning inside that Smokescreen... He and Pride could hear her snickering from behind her veil of smoke.

"Looks like you figured out my little schemy-scheme Gallade! But that isn't even the best part..."

"_What do you_-

"The Koffings you fool!" Pride yelled. Dante looked inside each Koffing's mouth. They each had a pokeball in their mouth, just like Weezing. Before Dante had a chance to get away, the pokeballs burst open, releasing two Seviper. They rose vertically out of the Koffing's mouths like twin jet black pillars. Too weak to move away, Dante was easily caught by the first Seviper in a Wrap attack. He struggled against it but it was of no use; the Koffing had left him too weak. The second Seviper circled him hungrily, looking for a good spot to strike first. It moved behind him and let out a high pitched hiss to inform its partner of where it was going to strike. It was going to slice the back of his legs open...

"_MY LADY_!" Dante cried out. For the most part, a Gallade's body was used to taking blows from blades but some areas... like the back of the legs... don't build up a such a resistance. He knew that if the tendons in his legs were cut he would never walk again... He tried his best to turn towards her and look her in the face despite the first Seviper threatening to squeeze him to death with Wrap. She just stared blankly back at him without any emotion in her face. "_THEY'RE GOING TO CUT MY LEGS AND I CAN'T FIGHT BACK! HURRY AND SEND OUT ANOTHER POKEMON_!" He pleaded. She lifted her hand and at first he thought she was going to do what he asked. But instead, she whispered the word "Useless" under her breath, balled her hand into a fist and turned her head away from him. She pulled the black device from before out and pushed the button, sealing _her _fate... Dante could feel his heart plummet and his rage rise... "_YOU BITCH_!" He yelled, completely forgetting that he was supposed to be fighting Gluttony. He wanted nothing more than to rip Pride's head off...

The Seviper cackled at him in unison, reveling in Dante's plight. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the bladed tail of the Seviper behind him glowing purple, in preparation for a Poison Tail attack. It raised its tail over its head like an executioner's axe. Dante struggled to break free like a mouse in a trap, only to make the first Seviper squeeze tighter. He considered pushing them away with Psychic or teleporting away but neither of them could help him right now; his Psychic attack was too weak to be used because of those damned Koffing and Teleporting would be useless. He would only end up taking the first Seviper with him...

(I'm going to make you slither along the ground like us!) The Seviper hissed sadistically, slashing its tail down like a butcher's cleaver-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Dante screamed at the top of his lungs (using his real voice instead of his telepathic one for once) as the blade ripped through his legs, tearing his sinew apart. He had never felt anything so painful before in his life; it felt like every nerve in his lower body was screaming with agony. This was worsened by the fact that leftover venom was beginning to mix with his blood and was acting like salt in his wounds. The other Seviper uncoiled from him, satisfied with what its partner had done. Dante tried to drag himself away with his arms, only to collapse to the ground. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" He screamed again as another torrent of pain washed over him. He lifted his chest up with his arms again and looked at Pride over his shoulder, his eyes filled with rage and agony. "_PRIDE_! _I'LL KILL YOU_! _I'LL KILL YOU IF IT'S THE LAST_ _THING I DO_!" He bellowed before collapsing again. "_I'll kill you... I'll make you pay... For everything you've done to me..._" He panted as he dragged himself a few more inches. He collapsed for a third time, blood pooling around his legs...

"Crackheads, members of Parliament, assorted marmosets...Lend me your rears! I come to chew bubblegum and kick ass... but I'm all out of bubblegum!" Gluttony said abruptly (and drunkenly...) as she stepped out into the open again, her smoke cloud beginning to dissipate. She chugged down yet another bottle of whiskey and tossed it over her shoulder. Her Seviper hissed joyfully in her presence. They completely forgot about Dante and coiled around her lovingly. "Mommy wubs you too!" she said as she affectionately patted them on the heads. She looked over at Dante, who was still dragging himself along the ground. "Geez... You two sure did a number on him, eh? If it makes you feel any better, Gallade, _I _would have saved you... unlike _somebody_..." Pride's eyes narrowed in anger at the deliberate shot at her character... even though she knew it was true.

"Weaklings like him and Diamond don't _deserve_ to be saved!" She said before rushing at Gluttony head on with a pokeball in one hand and her dagger in the other. One of Gluttony's Seviper uncoiled from its master and lunged at her with a Poison Fang attack. Pride dodged it gracefully but still got grazed on the arm by one of its fangs. The Seviper dug its fangs into the ground and pivoted its whole body around to lash out at her with its tail, like a whip chain. It managed to knock the pokeball out of her hand and leave a large gash across her hand as an added bonus. Enduring the pain, Pride retaliated by slashing the serpent twice across the face with her dagger, leaving an X shaped incision between its eyes. It reeled back in pain, hissing and spitting in fury.

"Get her belt my lovelies!" Gluttony ordered... sort of... She was skipping around and singing Yankee Doodle Dandy so it was kind of hard to take seriously... Her second Seviper unlatched itself from her and lunged at Pride, aiming for her waist. Pride could see exactly what Gluttony's plan was; her belt had the rest of her pokeballs on it... The unmarked Seviper sunk its fangs into her belt, just narrowly missing her thigh, and forcefully ripped her belt off, taking all of Pride's other pokemon with it. Pride slashed at it but it deftly blocked with its tail and pushed her back. As she was staggering back, the Seviper with the scar, with its eyes blinded by its own blood, rammed into her side with Body Slam.

She landed unceremoniously several feet away, skidding along the ground as she went. She forced herself onto her hands and knees and lightly touched the spot where the Seviper had struck her. Just touching it was agonizing; she had broken at least two ribs. And from the looks of it, one of her lungs might have been damaged too. Her breathing was shallow and every few seconds she let out a small cough of blood that hurt so much she thought her chest was going to explode. She spat the blood at the twin Sevipers indignantly. Even though she would never admit it, in her mind she knew she was not going to win without pokemon. She may have been a formidable on her own but even she wouldn't be able to take on these two... They worked just too damn well together...

"Oh Jack Sparrow you scurvy sex magnet you!" Gluttony said... to a lamppost... "How's about you and me get us a couple dozens rounds of rum and then get it on like a couple of drunk sex monkeys... made of chocalate!... What do you mean you're in a committed relationship?! Fine be that way you little prick! If you don't a piece of this sweet ass, that's fine but don't start insulting my mother you piece of shit! I hope a Feraligatr bites your dick off!" That drunken outburst suddenly gave Pride an idea (and it's not what you're thinking about you little sicko...). She stood up, albeit hunched over to accommodate for her ribs.

"Come get me you overgrown tube socks!" She taunted at the Sevipers. Not willing to be made fools of, they lunged at her. "Gluttony! I have candy!"

"CANDY!" Gluttony shrieked. She reached Pride in almost half a second... which is extraordinary considering that she was almost twenty freaking feet away before. Just as the Seviper twins leapt off the ground to bite her, Pride pulled Gluttony in front of her, using her own sister as a human shield. Unable to stop themselves, the fang snake pokemon sank their long red fangs into their master's arms, stabbing straight through to the other side. Pride smirked and let go of her sister, letting her fall down to her knees. Her breathing was shallow and blood oozed out of her four gaping wounds. "...Ouchies..." Gluttony groaned. "This probably would have hurt a lot more if I wasn't so drunk right now..." Dismayed, her Seviper pulled their fangs out and wrapped themselves around her arms to hold back the bleeding. "Aww don't cry my little sweeties... It's not your fault..." Gluttony said weakly, growing more and more lightheaded (well more so than usual) as she lost more blood. She turned her head to look at Pride and looked at her as if she didn't recognize her anymore. "How could you do that to one of your own sisters...?" Pride smirked again and slapped her across the face.

"Shut up! This is your fault for coming here in the first place!" She whipped out her dagger again and slashed both Seviper across their sides, forcing them to let go of Gluttony's arms. They reeled back in pain yet recovered quickly. One began to buildup a Flamethrower attack in its mouth while the other began charging for a Dark Pulse. Pride grabbed Gluttony by her hair and put the dagger just a few centimetres away from her neck. "One wrong move and she dies! Got it?" Disgruntled, they let their attacks die down and hissed and spat at her in disgust. "Shut the fuck up!" she yelled, putting her weapon even closer to Gluttony's neck. "Tell them to get back inside their pokeballs!" she ordered hoarsely.

"Take five you two..." Gluttony said, giving them a nervous half smile. Bitter and defeated, the Seviper twins obediently scooped their pokeballs out of the Koffings' mouths with their tails and returned themselves.

"Excellent..." Pride purred. It pleased her to know that she was in control again...

"Now that they're gone, how's about we stop all this fussing 'n fighting and smoke a few doobies? What do you say-Bleh!" She grabbed Gluttony by the collar and turned her around to face her. "Hehehehe..." she laughed nervously as Pride put the dagger back to her throat. There was almost nothing Gluttony could do anymore; her arms were next to useless now.

"Any last words _sister_?" Pride growled.

"I do actually. Seven to be exact... I hope you don't mind the smell!"

"Hope I don't mind the smell...? What are you talking about you- AAAAAAHHHHHH!" She screamed as Gluttony blew a puff of purple smoke directly in her face. And unlike Dante, she didn't have the luxury of teleporting away like last time. She dropped her dagger and reeled back, coughing and her eyes tearing. Gluttony stood up slowly, her legs shaking. She looked even paler than usual and looked ready to pass out (getting impaled through the arms by ten inch fangs will do that to you...). However, her face was stony; she had to end this quickly or she would be the one getting eliminated soon... "Glut...ton...y... Big sis...ter... Help... me..." Pride gasped desperately in between her coughs, her tone changing to that of a little girl in pain. It was ironic really; she had just used Gluttony as a human shield and now she was begging for her help... Gluttony leered back at her; if she helped her, she would just turn around and betray her again... It had been that way since they were kids...

"Those crocodile tears don't fool me anymore! Gastly use Curse!" she ordered coldly, trying her best to ignore her sister's plight. A giant, transparent, and ominous looking nail materialized out of nowhere and stabbed Pride through the back, going out through her chest. She let out a blood curdling scream even though no wound was made and no blood was spilled; the nail just seemed to pass through her body. The nail then disappeared in a veil of purple wisps of smoke and freed Pride. She swayed on the spot, clutching at herself in agony. She gave Gluttony one last agonized, despreate look before her eyes rolled to the back of her head and she passed out on the spot. The ominous purple smoke started to rise out of her mouth and reformed itself into a Gastly. It circled Pride's body and chuckled fiendishly at her, inspecting all the pain it inflicted sadistically.

"Stop fooling around Gastly! I'm dying here!" Gluttony said, rivulets of blood leaking down to her hands now. Gastly turned back into its purple gas form and flowed into its master's mouth. She lifted her arms slightly and closed her eyes. In the dimming light of the lampposts, she looked like a decaying angel... New patches of skin began to form of over the four holes in her arms, healing them instantly. "That's much better..." she said, rotating her arms around to get a feel for them again. She picked up Pride's dagger and loomed over her sister's body. "If we are ever going to get closer to the Heart of Darkness... Pride has to be taken out of the picture..." Gluttony whispered, repeating Cynthia's words. She lifted the dagger over her head, aiming for her heart...

"Aww screw it!" she said, throwing the dagger away. Unlike Pride, she couldn't stand the thought of killing one of her own sisters... "Cynthia's going to kill me for this... and if I leave V like this she's just going to come after me when she wakes up... This is quite the conundy... Hmm..." She mused. "...That Diamond kid is practically a dead man anway... I guess it can't be helped..." she said before blowing Gastly out of her system again. "Change her memories around so she thinks that _Diamond_ was the one who attacked her." Gastly nodded and flowed back into Pride's body through her mouth, cackling like a madman as it went. Over her shoulder, Gluttony started to hear grunting noises and the sound of something getting dragged along the ground...

"So you're still alive, eh Gallade?" she asked, turning to Dante. He hadn't moved for the remainder of the fight so Gluttony simply assumed that he died...

"..._I've been dead for a really long time now_..." he replied. He continued to drag himself along, determined to reach Pride's body and kill her once and for all. Gluttony realized what he was trying to do and stepped in front of him, placing a foot down on one of his arms. "_Move out of the way... I'm going to kill her and take back what's mine_... _even if I have to go through you to do it_..."

"Like hell you are. Look at you, you can't even walk," she said mockingly.

"_I don't care_! _She's a monster_! _She's had everyone I cared about killed and used me as her slave for years_! _I'll do whatever it takes to make her pay_!" He yelled, his voice firm despite his injuries.

"...I can heal you if you'd like..." Gluttony proposed suddenly, throwing Dante off guard. She pointed downward, telling Dante to look below him. He looked down only to find his shadow staring back at him. _Literally_. A pair of eyes and a fanged mouth appeared on his shadow's face. The same eyes and mouth of a Gastly... "I own _two_ Gastly. I put the first one inside of you when the fight began, remember? I was going to keep him inside of you just in case I wanted to finish you off for good... but now I've got something else in mind..."

"_But why would you help me? You're the one who did this to me in the first place_!"

"Do you want me to save you or not?"

"_Yes_! _Please_! _I'll do anything_..."

"Glad to hear it," she said, putting a cigarette in her mouth and promptly lighting it up. "I just need you to do one _teensy_ little favor for me..." Dante shivered; something told him that he wasn't going to like this...

* * *

Hmm... I wonder what Gluttony wants from Dante... I, of course already know the answer but you sure as hell don't! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA! Anyway, this took me a little longer than I expected but what can I say, it was hella long. Oh and before I forget, I've accepted pretty much every OC that was sent to me but I'm not sure where I'll put them just yet (but I do have an idea for some of them). Anyway, read and review or Gluttony will ground you up, roll you in cigarette paper and smoke you to death!


	69. A View of Your Coffin Part 2

Diamond

Pokemon- 

Monferno (Punchy)

Buneary (Hoppy)

Hippowdon (Sandy)

Honchkrow (Poopy)

Darkrai (It's not really his pokemon. It just lives in his shadow… literally)

Rampardos (Rampage AKA Evil Yucky McDoo Doo Face)

Pearl

Pokemon-

Prinplup (Humpy)

Ponyta (Brokeback)

Staraptor (Orgy)

Drapion (Boner)

Dawn

Pokemon-

Grotle

Gastradon

Drifblim

Happiny

Aggron

Jack

Pokemon

Chatot (Jesus?)

Riley 

Pokemon

Gallade

Rhyperior

Regigigas

Lucario

Machamp

Heracross

Salamence

Dragonite

Tyranitar

Marley

Pokemon

Crobat

Arcanine

Sceptile

Cheryl

Pokemon-

Milotic

Drifblim

Alistair

Pokemon-

Ambipom (Virtuoso)

Chatot (Fiona)

Torterra (Terra)

Smeargle (Leonardo)

Alex

Pokemon-

Quagsire

* * *

"Fuck my life!" I groaned. We tried to lose the Estonians by zigzagging throughout the city but those tenacious bastards refused to give up. Alistair, Alex and I were exhausted and once in a while we nearly lost our lead over the Estonians. When that happened, the Estonians would try to hit us with their spears, giving us an incentive to run faster. Pearl was comfortably ahead of all of us because the Morbid Angel did all of the work for him.

"Hey guys, I have an idea! Let's make moose noises to distract them!" Pearl suggested.

"That's... an incredibly... stupid idea!" I said in between gasps for breath. I had gotten a particularly nasty stitch in my side and was beginning to run a lot slower than the others...

"MOOSE NOISES! MOOSE NOISES! MOOSE NOISES!" The dumb ass-I mean Pearl shouted, completely ignoring me as usual. This, unsurprisingly, only made the Estonians angrier then they already were... They tossed their spears over me, Alistair and Alex's heads, going straight for Pearl. All of them missed except one, which only managed to graze his left arm. "OH SHIT!" He cursed as his skateboard flew out from under him and he fell flat on his back. He tried to get back on it but the Estonians put on another burst of speed, forcing him to run with the rest of us… but that wouldn't stop him from being a pain in the ass... "Hey Estonians! Dee Enda left a message for you!" He called, holding his still bleeding arm.

"Dee Enda? Who is this Dee Enda? Dee Enda who?" The burliest (and ironically the gayest...let's just refer to him as the Estonian leader from now on, shall we?) one of the Estonians asked.

"Dee Enda my dick you Eastern European fanny bandits!"

"HAAVADESSE SUREMA!" He shouted back which roughly means 'Die from wounds'. The other Estonians started repeating it and it quickly became a war chant amongst them. They began to chase us even faster now and started to throw their spears at random instead of just when we got close enough to them. As he ran past, Alex slapped Pearl in the back of the head.

"Nice going dick head! You've made everything worse!"

"It's you and Alistair's fault for bringing them here in the first place! Why'd you have to piss off that freaking record producer in the first place, huh?! Don't you know that they're above the law?!" Pearl asked, ducking as another spear came for his head.

"How the _fuck_ were we supposed to know that Spooge-Drinker had a friggin' personal army chained up in his basement?!" Alex said angrily.

"How could you _not_ know?_ All_ record producers have personal gay Estonian armies in their basements!"

"No they don't!"

"Yes they do! Just ask Puff Daddy!"

"Spooge-Drinker has these guys because he's a psychotic nut gobbler and a dumb ass, not because he's a record producer!"

"Who gives a crap about _why_ he has these guys?!" Alistair asked. "The fact of the matter of is, unless we want to find out what 'Haavadesse surema' means, we have to keep running!" He yelled before putting on another burst of speed. Pearl and Alex followed his lead and ran faster as well. Unfortunately for me, I was finding it harder and harder to keep up with them anymore (there was only so much I could take after getting the crap beaten out of me by Rampage...and then Pride...and then Rampage again... fuck my life...). And worse yet, the Estonians were looming ever closer to me, like a tidal wave made of flesh and tight fitting underwear... (Oh God, I hope I never have to say _that _again...)

"Come on bro! You have to go faster!" Alex called out to me over his shoulder.

"Fuck off dude... I can't go any faster than this!" I gasped, nearly at my physical limit. I wondered if I should have just let them kill me... What? Don't look at me like that. You don't have to run if you're dead, thank you very much...

"Don't worry dudes, I have another idea!" Pearl exclaimed.

"Pearl if this involves more moose noises I'm going to-"

"It doesn't! Here, catch!" He said, tossing a random CD at me. I ducked as another spear came at me first and caught the CD just before it hit the ground. It was a copy of Kerli's 'Love is Dead'.

"... ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!" I fumed. Pearl cocked an eyebrow at me like _I_ was the crazy one.

"What do you mean?"

"_WHAT DO I MEAN_?! The Lustrous Orb gives you the power to materialize _anything_ into existence (for comedic effect...) and you choose to give me a freaking _CD _instead of I dunno... A SHOTGUN?!"

"...That actually would have been a good idea-

"PEARL!"

"No worries dude! This is better then a shotgun! No Estonian can resist the alluring alternative charms of Kerli Koiv!" He said confidently. Annoyed, I momentarily hopped up and down on one foot, quickly took my shoe off and threw it at the back of his head. "OW! What was that for?!" He asked, tossing the shoe back at me.

"This isn't going to work you wet dildo! You fucking screwed me over!"

"It'll work if you give it a try you little horse fucker!"

"Throbbing buttock wart!"

"Premature ejaculator!"

"Moronic monkey molester (ALLITERATION)!"

"Dilapidated deity of donkey diarrhea (MORE ALLITERATION!)!... Who the _fuck_ keeps doing that?!"

"YOU GUYS!" Alistair yelled. "In case you haven't noticed, this _really_ isn't the right time for arguing!... Or disturbingly weird name calling for that matter..."

"Diamond just use the god damn CD so we can stop running already!" Alex said. "If we keep going my feet are gonna look like they have hemmorhoids!"

"I'm telling you, this is definitely not gonna work-" I began to protest.

"JUST DO IT!" All three of them yelled at the same time.

"GOD DAMN IT FINE ALREADY! BUT IF THIS DOESN'T WORK I'M GOING TO FUCKING CASTRATE YOU PEARL!" I said, turning around to face the rampaging wall of giggolos. With a trembling hand, I held the disc out in front of me as an offering. "Look! I have Kerli Koiv!" I exclaimed. Surprisingly, the Estonians all stopped in their tracks. The leader Estonian from before stepped out in front of all the others and stared down at me and the CD. He took it from my hand, sniffed it and then raised an eyebrow at me.

"LOL whut? GTFO n00b!" He said...in chat speak. Well I can't say I was expecting _that_ (my face was somewhere along the lines of... O.o)... He then crushed the CD with his teeth and said "LMAOOOOO l3t meh smack j00 wit mah b!g p3nis!!!!111!!!one!uno!!iii9999cholesterol! D0LpHiNz R teh smex!"

"ROFLATM (Rolling On the Floor Laughing And Touching Myself)!" Another Estonian behind him said. Mortified and confused, I slowly turned around to face Pearl, Alistair and Alex.

"...Who the fuck taught these guys how to speak retard?" Annoyed by the remark, the Estonian leader roared savagely and hit me in the back of the head with the blunt end of his spear, knocking me to the ground. I tried to get up and run away but all the other Estonians made a circle around me and their leader, blocking every path. The leader raised his arm to hit me with the spear, this time with the sharp end facing me... "Uh... can we talk this out like rational people-

"MINA SAAMA TARVITAMA TEIE KUJUPOOL (I WILL EAT YOUR HEAD)!" He yelled at the top of his lungs, swinging his spear down at my chest. I closed my eyes hoping that the blow would be painless... but it never came. I opened an eye to see that he had stopped in mid-swing because his spear had suddenly became enshrouded in a blue aura. And it wasn't just him either him either; almost all of the others' spears started glowing with the same aura. "Wha...?"

"_Leave this place at once..._" A familiar voice (to me at least...) ordered, reverberating against the surrounding buildings. Heads turned in every direction looking for the source of the voice yet I was the first to find it... or should I say _him_... Dante stood gauntly on a rooftop above, surveying us all. For some reason, the whites of his eyes were glowing an eerie blue color and made it seem like he was staring right through you... The Estonian leader spotted him too and tried to throw his spear at him but it refused to move out of its position and hung motionless in the air. Dante's eyes flashed brighter and suddenly, all of the spears rose higher into the air and pointed downwards, aimed straight for the Estonians. "_I will only say this once_... _Leave now or suffer the consequences_..." He warned. His voice had a certain edge to it that it didn't have before; his voice was bitter and angry, like he was extremely upset with something...

"...Hmph! EEMALDUMA (RETREAT)!" the leader shouted to his comrades. The way he saw it, there were only two choices: retreat or stay here and get stabbed by their own spears. Neither option looked pretty feasible but he could _not_ risk getting stabbed (stab wounds would completely ruin his perfect tan...). And of course... Spooge-Drinker would be extremely pissed off at him but that was okay; he knew exactly how to calm him down (by nibbling on his ear lobe while stroking his co- uh... something's are better left unsaid...or implied... whatever you want to call it...). All at once, the Estonians charged in the opposite direction of where they came, back towards the radio tower. Once they were all out of sight, Dante released his hold on the spears, letting them fall harmlessly like twigs.

"YAYNESS BAGELS WITH CREAM CHEESE!" Pearl suddenly exclaimed happily. "We won!"

"Tell Spooge-Drinker he can go suck a massive veiny dick!" Alex yelled after the Estonians.

"That bastard would probably like it..." Alistair.

"Good point. Tell Spooge-Drinker he can go suck a massive veiny vagina!"

"Eww..."

While they were celebrating and letting their guards down, I kept my eyes focused on Dante. He, likewise, kept those creepy glowing eyes of his trained on me... Seriously, those eyes were freaking the shit out of me. I thought he was going to shoot laser beams out of them at any second... After an intense staring contest (I was so winning), he turned away and vanished into thin air, teleporting away.

"Weird..." I murmured. I didn't understand why he bothered to save me in the first place. He _is_ one of Pride's pokemon after all; he had absolutely nothing to gain from helping me... I was suddenly reminded of how that Mesprit came out of nowhere to save me back in Jubilife City. I wonder where it went after that... I mean, it couldn't have just been a deus ex machina (look it up...), right?

"Come on dude!" Pearl yelled, snapping me back to reality. He grabbed me by the wrist and forced me to walk alongside him. "We're going to Taco Bell!" I cocked an eyebrow at him and the sudden declaration.

"Wait. Why exactly...?"

"Because my metabolism dictates that I must consume various plant and animal based substances known as 'food' so that I may absorb the energy and nutrients needed to sustain daily life functions and expel fecal matter, otherwise known as: dookie, cah cah, turds, poop, crap, shit, ass sausages, doo doo butter-

"No you unbelievably stupid person you..." I grumbled, pinching the bridge of my nose in frustration. "I meant why are we going to Taco Bell..."

"To celebrate our victory of course!"

"What victory?"

"Our victory over the legions of Estonian giggolos! Jesus dude, weren't you there? It happened like five minutes ago!"

"But all we did was run around and scream! Dante was the one who-

"We didn't get stabbed, butt raped or had our loins cut off. That's a victory if you ask me. Now, all those in favor of going to Taco Bell give me a hearty Morgan Freeman salute!"

"MORGAN FREEMAN!" Alistair and Alex yelled merrily at the same time. When I didn't say anything, all three of them turned to glare at me. A part of me didn't want to stay with them...

Dante's reappearance forced me to remember that I still wasn't safe here... Not while Pride was around... The only reason Pride was attacking the city was because _I_ was the one that pissed her off (Jesus, am I _really_ that bad of a kisser...?). If she had no qualms about attacking _random_ people just to get to me, what was stopping her from attacking my _friends_ to get to me instead? I was practically a living target... I was seriously considering letting them go on without me. I felt guilty just being near them, like I was some sort of plague...

"Diamond, I swear to God if you don't say it I'll start a rumor that you dye your pubic hair green and fuck shemales when we get back home... And then I'll cut you in half..." Pearl warned. Well, when you put it _that_ way...

"...Morgan Freeman..." I sighed.

"Great!" He said happily. "Now that we're all in agreement (Me: Agreement my ass...), let's go get tacos mis muchachos!" He got on the Morbid Angel and kicked off with Alistair and Alex running closely behind him. I hung back, not in too much of a hurry to stay with them... Meh, Let's go see what Zack and Dawn have been doing this whole time, shall we?

Meanwhile, at the Veilstone City Hospital...

"You there in the corner! Put your pants back on! She does not want to see your weener!" Zack yelled at a boy and girl who were acting a little too secretively in the corner... He was standing in the middle of a cramped hospital room that was filled to the brim with children. Dawn was supposed to be helping him 'supervise' them but she left the room quite some time ago and still didn't come back. She tried to tell Zack where she was going but he couldn't exactly hear her (due to a four year old screaming 'I WANT ICE CREAM' in his ear the whole time...). He was hoping that he could get out of there so he could look for her but until then he was stuck swearing at children. "I swear on fucking Jesus' almighty nut sack, if you stick your finger into that socket again I am going to punt you out the freaking window! No, no, no! Don't start crying- Ugh! Fuck my life!" He groaned.

So why exactly was Zack stuck taking care of all these kids, you ask? Well, the truth is... He's one hell of a pedophile-

"GO TO HELL RTJ!"

Simmer down Zack, I was just kidding :D

"Not funny!"

Yes it is!~ Anyway, after the fight with Montblanc, Dawn and Zack went back inside the hospital to treat their wounds (Dawn's G shaped scar and Zack's impending concussion). They wanted to go to the Pokemon Center, where everybody else was, but once Pride started attacking the city, more and more people piled into the hospital seeking for refuge and to treat their own wounds. Needless to say, the hospital staff was completely overwhelmed. They needed every available pair of hands to help out as much as possible... which included Dawn and Zack. For most of the night, they had been put in charge of all the kids that had been injured during the attacks, separated from their parents or just had nowhere else to go...

"Hey you!" Zack yelled, pointing to a little asian lad that was hitting another little boy with a stick he happened to find. "Chill the fuck out Japanakin Skywalker!" He stopped and looked at Zack with utter bewilderment. "Yeah, you just got pun pwned little boy! Wanna fight about it you little- HEY!" The boy completely ignored Zack and started beating the other boy with the stick again. "You little son of a-" Losing his temper, he almost threw Luxray's pokeball at him. However, he stopped himself when a brilliant idea came to him. He tossed the pokeball into the middle of the crowd, releasing his very confused Luxray.

(Uh Zack...? Why are we surrounded by midgets...?) Zack smirked at him and inched towards the exit.

""HEY EVERYBODY!" He yelled at the top of his lungs, making every head in the room turn towards him. Then, pointing at Luxray, he said, "Go play with the nice kitty!"

(WHAT?!) Luxray screamed just before he was pounced on and quite literally buried under a pile of children. He poked his head out momentarily to glare daggers at Zack. (YOUR INNARDS SHALL BE MY CHEW TOYS!)

"I promise I'll pay you back later. Play nicely Luxray~~~!" he said, shutting the door behind him. He let out a sigh of relief; he was finally free to do what he wanted again, even if just for a little while. He started making his way towards the roof. He figured that it would be the the most secluded (and children free...) area in (or I suppose on top of) the entire building. As he was walking, he started to hear a low, gruff, rumbling sound that sounded almost like... growling... Without turning around, Zack figured that Luxray escaped and was trying to get back at him. Turning around he said, "Look Luxray, I'm sorry for using you as bait but-." He stopped himself, realizing that there was nothing there...

"...The darkness must be getting to me..." he said to himself. In order to save power, the hospital staff had to shut off most of the lights, leaving many of the corridors in the dark. The hallway Zack was in had one end that was completely engulfed in darkness while the rest of it was scarcely lit, making everything seem grayish... He started walking again, noticeably much faster than he was before. With every step he took, the growling got louder, like a crescendo, until it became a full blown monstrous snarl, like a beast trying to escape its cage. Zack quickly turned around on the spot to yet again find nothing there, even though the growling still got louder. It was coming from the dark end of the hall, he was sure of it...

"Umbreon come on out!" he said, releasing it from its pokeball. Luckily for Zack, in between him and the shadowed end of the hall, a window was letting in narrow beams of moonlight. "Use Moonlight!" he ordered. The rings on Umbreon's body all started glowing as it absorbed the moonlight and, more importantly, partially illuminated the other end of the hall and revealed. And as you could imagine, Zack didn't particularly like what he saw...

A feral Mightyena of monstrous proportions was glaring them down, fangs bared and its body close to the ground in preparation for battle. It had more than twice the muscle mass of a regular Mightyena and Zack could tell just by looking at it that it dwarfed others of its species by two feet, making it a little more than five feet tall, just a foot shorter than an Arcanine. It was more than just an alpha male... it was a monster...

The Mightyena snarled loudly, sending shivers down Zack's spine. Using its strong hind legs, it leapt towards Zack and Umbreon, closing the distance between them in a single bound. Umbreon just narrowly dodged it; it was much faster than both he and Zack expected it to be. Good thing too... The tiles that the Mightyena landed on started cracking from its sheer weight and power. Umbreon rammed his body into the beast's right flank but it had almost no effect on it whatsoever. The Mightyena veered around and, without holding back, lashed the Umbreon across the face with its front paw, slamming him against the wall. Impressive as Umbreon's defenses were, the raw power behind that attack was enough to make him collapse to the floor. Even the wall behind him started cracking from the impact...

"SECRET POWER!" Zack yelled, just as the Mightyena lunged at Umbreon, its jaws wide open. Umbreon's rings started glowing again. This time, the tiles under his feet suddenly lifted out from under him and flew towards the other Dark type. The projectiles hit the Mightyena in the chest in mid-air, knocking it into the opposite wall. Zack let out of a sigh of relief; he had no idea what form Secret Power would take in this place. Unfortunately, the Mightyena recovered quickly and Umbreon's attack only served to make it angrier. It let out a roar and lunged at Umbreon again. Though he was already weakened from the first attack, Umbreon still had enough energy to stagger out of the way and run towards Zack's side before the attack struck. The Mightyena rammed into the wall so hard that it completely crumpled into rubble. The entire left side of its face was bleeding but it didn't seem to care at all. It became apparent to Zack that it was going to keep attacking him no matter what, with no regard for its own safety...

"Return!" Zack said, returning Umbreon to its pokeball. He needed a change in strategy; Umbreon was just too small to handle that monster on his own. And without Luxray, the only pokemon he had that could possibly match it was... "Go Nidoking!" he yelled, releasing the (as far as Vivi's concerned...) stolen Hazard Nidoking.

(...What am I doing here?) Nidoking asked, looking around in confusion. (And who are you?) Zack raised an eyebrow at him. The whole 'able to understand what its saying' thing was still relatively new to him.

"Uh... My name's Zack and I'm your new trainer, I guess," he said mentally. "I need you go kick that Mightyena's-SHIT!"

(Eww... I don't want to kick anybody's shit... That's so unsanita- OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! GET HIM OFF ME!) Nidoking sreamed. While they were distracted, the beast Mightyena rushed up and bit Nidoking on the side of his neck with Fire Fang. Luckily, his armor blocked most of the blow but not the heat that came with it. Nidoking tossed the Mightyena away from him and started running around in circles, holding his neck and screaming. (OH MY FUCKING GOD! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! HOT! HOT! HOT! HOT! OH GOD, OH GOD, OH MY FUCKING GOD! WHERE'S SMOKEY THE BEAR WHEN YOU NEED HIM?! SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!) He screamed, even though barely anything happened to him. Zack sighed; he had completely forgotten how cowardly this Nidoking was...

The Mightyena let out a loud roar and prepared itself to lunge at Nidoking again. Just as it leapt off the ground, a silver chain suddenly burst out from the darkness and wrapped around the Mightyena's neck, seemingly of its own accord... The Mightyena struggled to break free, clawing and biting at the chain savagely. A second chain came out from the dark end, wrapping around its muzzle this time. Furiously, the Mightyena reared onto his hind legs and continued to struggle and claw out at Zack brutally, even though the chains held him back.

"That's enough. Stop it right now Invidius..." A meek, female voice said, its owner stepping out of the darkness and into the dimmed light. She was wearing a green hoodie with markings on the sleeves that were similar to a Rayquaza's and a tattered black skirt. She wore her hood over her eyes so Zack could only see the bottom half of her face... She also had a large, black guitar case strapped to her back with several, heavy, silver chains that were intertwined and locked together by a skull shaped lock on her chest, with the keyhole on its gaunt, silver forehead. The chains that were holding 'Invidius' back (and by "holding back", I mean keeping him from gnawing Zack's face off) were coming out from under the ends of her sleeves. Zack thought she looked like a phantom wrapped in chains... He found it weird that, even though she wasn't resisting against Invidius' attempts to escape or even _holding_ the chains for that matter, the chains still tightened closer around the Mightyena's neck, like they had minds of their own... or something unseen was controlling them...

"H-He's not Sloth and you know it! Stop it r-right now!" She cried out desperately, her voice quavering like she was afraid of her own pokemon... and quite frankly, Zack was too. Slowly, the chains somehow started retracting back into her sleeves, dragging the monstrous Mightyena back to towards the girl's side. "You need to stay with me this time! We'll never find Sloth if you keep going crazy like this... Though I can't say _I'm_ any better..." she said. She scratched him behind the ears and that seemed to calm him down a little bit, though he still kept his fangs and bared and refused to take his eyes off of Zack.

"...Sloth?" Zack asked, likewise staring back at Invidius. Even though he knew it was none of his business, he could only wonder what she wanted to do to this 'Sloth' person if she was using a pokemon like Invidius to track her down... For some reason, at the sound of his voice, she let out a small squeal of fright and put her arms in front of her face defensively, like she thought Zack was going to hit her. "Whoa, take it easy! I'm not going to hurt you..." She wearily put her arms down and stared down at the ground... or at least Zack thought so. It was hard to tell since she wouldn't take the hood off...

"...Sloth is my little sister... As usual, she... hasn't been doing what she was supposed to be doing... Now our boss wants me to go find her but... Sloth... she figured out I was following her and hid herself in this place... But now I don't know what to do... There are so many different scents in the air that it's driving Invidius crazy and she could be hiding anywhere in this big place... If I don't find her soon, Cynthia will hurt me again..." She explained, her voice tinged with melancholy. Zack cocked an eyebrow at her.

"I don't get it. If you two are sisters, why is she running from you?"She hung her head, like she was ashamed of something.

"I... I haven't been on very good terms with any of my sisters lately..." she said sadly. "...I think Sloth may even be _afraid_ of me..."

"Why would she be afraid of-." Zack stopped when a second chain slowly wormed its way out of her left sleeve on its own. The end of it gently wrapped itself around Zack's little finger. "Uh... That's a pretty creepy trick- Wait! I meant say _nice_ trick! It's a great trick! It's the best trick I've seen in my whole damn life!" he said nervously, trying not to upset her anymore than she already was. Regardless, she uttered a small whimper, like she was about to cry.... "Crap... Wait! Please don't cry! Uh... Um..." He stuttered, searching for the right thing to say. "Oh, I know! Let me help you look for your sister!" She lifted her head up slightly and frowned even more. He could almost feel her eyeing him with suspicion through her hood.

"...This isn't... a trick is it?" She asked with surprise. Zack could feel her eyeing him with suspicion through the hood.

"No, not at all! I'm looking for somebody too and if Scooby Doo's ever taught me anything, the best way to look for people (or the creepy bastard in the mask...) is to stick together."

"But... Didn't they always split up on that show?"

"Oh yeah they did... Bah whatever, let's work together anyway! What do you say?" he asked, outstretching his hand. He smiled and said, "I don't think we've told each other our names yet. The name's Zack Anderson." She hesitated, contemplating over everything he had said. Feeling that he was sincere, she slowly reached out her own hand.

"My name is..." she said, trailing off. She hung her head for a moment, like she was ashamed of her own name. "...Envy..."

"Envy, huh? That's um... a pretty name," he said politely. In reality, he was thinking "Who the fuck names their kids Envy and Sloth?" Just before their hands met, Envy's focus must have slipped because the chains around Invidius' neck and muzzle suddenly relaxed their grip on him, setting him free. Before Envy could stop him, the beastly Mightyena pounced on top of Zack, forcing him onto his back and knocking the wind out of him. Invidius opened his jaws and tried to bite Zack's face. Zack pressed his hands against Invidius' shoulder blades and it took every ounce of his strength to keep the monster at bay. "HOLY CRAP! ENVY STOP HIM!"

"Stop it Invidius!" she said feebly. She thrust out her hands and, in response, four chains burst out of her sleeves and pulled each of his legs out from under him, accidentally making him fall on top of Zack in the process (which hurt like hell considering that Invidius almost twice the size of a normal Mightyena...). In retaliation, Invidius turned his head towards Envy and opened his mouth, a Shadow Ball building in between his jaws...

(CUNT PUNT!) Nidoking yelled as he came up behind Invidius, and kicked him off of Zack with all of his might. It's interesting to note that Nidoking had been running around in circles and rolling around the floor in pain this whole time (even though he was barely injured...). He picked Zack up and let him sit on his shoulder. (Are you alright?) he asked.

"I think so..." Zack said mentally, taking a few deep breaths. He then smirked and said, "So you finally decided to grow a pair, huh?"

(Well I couldn't just leave you to get to killed by that basta- OH MY GOD!) He screamed as Invidius broke free from Envy's chains and death glared at them with clear murderous intent in his eyes.

"So much for those nuts... Use Brick- AAAAAHHHHHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Zack yelled as Nidoking turned around on the spot and started running at top speed as Invidius started chasing them. Zack grabbed onto one of Nidoking's spikes and held on for dear life. "SLOW DOWN! SLOW DOWN!"

(AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! RAPE! RAPE! I NEED AN ADULT!) Nidoking screamed.

"Zack wait!" Envy cried out. She thrust her arms out and made her chains grab Invidius around the neck. But at the rate he was going, rather than being held back, Invidius started partly dragging Envy with him. She dug in her heels to help sturdy herself but it was pretty futile; Invidius was a lot stronger than she was... "Zack! Don't go yet! I can control him, I swear!" Digging in her heels even more, she shifted most of her weight backwards to slow Invidius down slightly, just long enough for her to return him to his pokeball. "Zack, come back!" She pleaded. "_Please_ don't go..."

"Stop running damn it! He's gone!" Zack yelled at Nidoking.

(HE'S AFTER MY PURITY! HE WANTS TO DEFLOWER ME! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!) Nidoking screamed, refusing to listen to reason.

"I don't think I have a choice in the matter at this point! Sorry Envy!" he said as Nidoking rounded the corner, running towards God knows where and leaving Envy all alone.

"...I should have known better... They always end up running away..." Envy sighed, close to tears. Her sisters were always telling her not to associate with regular people... They said it was for her own good and that she was far better off with just them... But if that was true then why did she always feel so lonely...? Retracting her chains back into her sleeves, she turned around to walk back into the dark end of the hall but stopped once she heard footsteps coming her way. Dr. Moria, (the same doctor that gave Diamond the bad news about his arm) stepped out of the darkness and gave Envy a look of panicked confusion.

"What's going on here?! I heard screaming so I came running! Were you the one screaming? What happened to that wall?! Are you alright? Is anyone in trouble? Are you-." She asked more and more questions but Envy wasn't really listening to her. She lifted her hood slightly, revealing black bangs and one bright green eye so she could get a better look at the necklace around the doctor's neck instead. "Hey! Are you even listening to me? Hello? Hello...? Answer me-

"That's a... nice necklace you have there..." Envy said, transfixed on the necklace. "It's so pretty... Like one of Greed's or Pride's..." The doctor cocked an eyebrow at her.

"This? It was a gift from my father before he died... Wait! That's not important right now! I need you to tell me where that screaming came from!"

"... _My_ daddy never gave me a necklace before he died... He never gave me anything..."

"... I'm sorry for asking you this but do you have A.D.D or something? I don't have time to be talking about necklaces or our fathers! Please just tell me where that screaming came fro- GAH!" she grunted as Envy suddenly whipped her across the throat with one of her chains, swiftly and crudely slashing it wide open and splattering blood on the floor and walls. She feebly grabbed her bleeding neck and uttered a few gargled noises of anguish, her face filled with utter terror. As she crumpled to the floor and her life started to fade away, Envy, like a grave robber, didn't hesitate to stoop down and take the necklace for herself. She wiped some of the blood away (on the doctor's own shirt, no less) and wore it around her own neck, leaving Dr. Rebecca Moria to die...

...Maybe the idea wasn't to keep Envy safe from other people... Maybe it was to keep people safe from Envy...

Meanwhile at the local Taco Bell...

"I feel so alive!" Pearl said, twitching like a hyperactive Mankey. He had broken into the cash registers and was busying himself with stealing all of the money out of them. Once we realized that the whole place had been evacuated, we (and by that I mean mostly Pearl and Alex) wasted no time in trashing the place. Alex was raiding the kitchens for every scrap of food he could find while Alistair and I sat at one of the tables out front. I was staring blankly out the window, half from boredom, half from anxiety, while Alistair was scribbling something down on a napkin.

"Dude... I think I'm on the verge of writing the sickest song ever!" Alistair exclaimed suddenly. "Diamond, quick! Hand me my heritage cherry Gibson SG with three humbuckers behind you so I can work out the melody line!"

"... There's a _what_ behind me?"

"Just give me the red and black guitar behind you..." I looked over the back of my seat but didn't find anything there.

"It's not there dude..."

"Huh? Alex must be borrowing that one then... Okay, give me Alex's Ibanez SV Prestige instead."

"Uh... This one wouldn't happen to be invisible colored, would it...?

"Invisible colored? What are you- Oh fuck it, just let me get it..." he said, getting up from the table.

"I don't think you wanna do that-

"WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!"

"Told you..."

"WHERE THE FUCK DID ALL OF OUR INSTRUMENTS GO?!" he shrieked. "THE GUITARS! THE BASS! THE DRUMS! THE AMPS! THE EFFECTS PEDALS! ALEX! GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE! WE HAVE A CRISIS SITUATION!" In less than a second, Alex burst through the kitchen doors with a burrito stuffed in his mouth.

"Fuzz uff foo (What's up dude)?"

"Where did all of the instruments go?!"

"Fell, fy fink fe feff fa fafeffz ford fanf-

"Take the burrito out of your mouth first..." Alistair sighed. Alex took it out of his mouth and stuffed it down his pants... rather than his perfectly usable pockets. He's never been a stickler for hygiene...

"Right, sorry. As I was saying, I think we left the effects boards and amps back at the Radio Tower when Spooge-Bastard came by. As for everything else, I think we dropped them all while we were running from... Oh shit..." he cursed, realizing the severity of the situation. "DUDE! WE ARE SO BONED!"

"Don't fret my musically inclined chums!" Pearl chimed in, standing on top of the counter. He had stuffed all of the money he stole from the cash registers down his shirt in two mounds so they looked like boobs... "What are you guys looking at me like that for? My tits are money baby! Cha! Ching!" he said, swinging his money boobs from side to side.

"God damn it, why do I hang out with you Pearl...?" I said.

"Eat a dick. Anyways, don't bust a nut you guys! There's plenty of enough money here to buy back all of your stuff!" He climbed down, took a wad of cash out of his shirt and handed it to Alistair. Alistair inspected it, estimating how much money there was.

"This still isn't enough..." he said with a sigh. He sat back down again and slammed his head against the table. "We're gonna need more than just a few cash registers' worth of money Pearl. The drums alone were over two thousand bucks! I had to work in a freaking flower shop for three summers straight to get all that stuff! Do you even _know_ how much self respect I had to give up for that?"

"I don't know, a bunch?"

"OODLES!" He yelled before slamming his head against the table again. No one said anything until Pearl suddenly jumped on top of the table, just about ready to pee himself from excitement.

"...Wait a minute! I have the sickest idea you guys!" he exclaimed.

"Oh God, not again..." I groaned.

"Shut up! It's a good one this time!" he said before emptying out his shirt and letting the money fall onto the table. "Who the hell needs money at a time like this? This is the best possible moment we could ever ask for!" Alistair lifted his head slightly and looked at him questioningly.

"What are you talking about bug nuts? This is the _worst_ possible moment ever!"

"Don't you guys get it? Take a look around you. Nobody's here. Nobody's on the streets. Nobody's in their homes. And most importantly, no one's in their _stores_!"

"...So?" Alex asked.

"_So_? Because of that crazy chick on the Gyarados, everyone in the city has either left or went into hiding... Except _us_! We're free to do whatever we want and there will be no one to stop us at all! We can go and steal whatever we want!... _Including_ some new instruments for you guys! As long as we avoid that Gyarados chick, we're golden-AHH!" He screamed as Alistair and Alex climbed on top of the table to hug him. Even though I wouldn't show it, the idea had interested me too.

"You're the best bro-ski a guy could ask for!" Alex said joyfully.

"I know, I know, now stop it with this queer fest already! Bro-skis don't hug remember?" Pearl said, shoving them away. "Now...Where should we go first?"

"Ooh! Ooh! I know! Let's go to Taco Bell!" Alex suggested, receiving a slap to the back of the head from Alistair.

"We're already there retard!"

"Owie... Okay then, let's go to Uncle Chuck's Sex Toy Emporium!" This time Alistair pulled the hairs at the back of Alex's head.

"What the hell would we need sex toys for?"

"To shove them up our asses of course!"

"...Alex, go sit in your little corner and be quiet..."

"But-

"MARCH!" Grudgingly, Alex got off of the table and sat in one of the corners, cursing under his breath the whole time.

"You guys are thinking too small..." I said. "We need to go somewhere that already has everything that we could ever want. Like... The Veilstone City Department Store!"

"That's perfect! Let's head over there right now!" Pearl said. Unable to hold in his excitement anymore, he took his shirt off, jumped off of the table and charged straight through the front doors, cackling like a maniac.

"Why'd he take off his-

"Don't ask..." I said with a sigh as Alistair and I walked after Pearl. After a couple of seconds, Alistair turned back and poked his head through the front doors to look for Alex, who was still sitting in the corner.

"Alex! What are you still doing here?"

"You told me to sit in this corner and be quiet so that's exactly what I'm doing..."

"Motherfucker if you don't come right now I'm gonna-

"Alright, alright! I'm coming!" Alex said, quickly leaving with Alistair. Little did we know that from that point on, things were going to get much, much worse before they got any better...

* * *

Hi there peoples! This chapter was one motherfucker to write actually... Only because I kept forgetting to save it after I was finished -.- I ended up having to rewrite the entire thing like 3 or 4 times. I originally wanted it to be much longer (longer than the last chapter even) and have a fight against Envy but I eventually got lazy. What can I say, I got tired of writing and I knew you guys were getting tired of waiting so I'm gonna put all that in the next chapter instead. This is going to make the whole 'A View of Your Coffin' thing a chapter or two than what I wanted it to be but to hell with it. Anyway, read and review or Envy will choke you to death with her chains of evil! :D


	70. Time to Say Goodbye

Ugh... Some people just can't leave well enough alone, can they? Good morning, afternoon, or whatever time of the day it is in your time zone to what will most likely be the last "chapter" you'll get from me, at least on this story. I put quotes around the word chapter because this is not a chapter in the traditional sense. This is really just me getting a few things off my chest and to talk about something that has been bugging me for quite some time now... or should I say _someone_.

But before I start to talk about this person, let me start off with this: I am not going to continue with this story. I am really sorry to all of you who were fans of this story and I'm especially sorry to everyone who's submitted an OC to me but I feel like I should at least be honest with you guys instead of just sitting back and hoping that you guys just forget about Diamond Fists. As to _why_ I stopped working on this fic I'll get to in a second but right now let me talk about the person that's caused me to come out of hiding for a year.

You see, an anonymous user has been leaving messages in my inbox for the past few months, typically saying things like "When are you going to update Diamond Fists RTJ? Your story's so awesome, please update soon I can't take it!" By the way, I know it's always the same person because they type in an extremely irritating combination of l33t speak and obnoxious preteen girl text message speak (you know, where they add too many leterssssss on da endd of wurdsssss like disssssss! LOL). What I wrote above is just a shortened approximation of what it would look like in coherent English. Anyway, at first I responded back as nicely as I could because, at the time, I was on the fence on whether I wanted to continue this or not and it could have gone either way back then. But as time went on, they started sending me messages more and more frequently, each of them saying pretty much the same basic idea. After a while I stopped trying to be nice and quit replying altogether. But, of course, that only made them angrier...

"Please, please, please, reply to this RTJ, I'm not kidding, you HAVE to keep writing Diamond Fists. It's the only story on this site that I read, I've read it a hundred times pleeeeeeeaaaaassssseeeee make a chapter pleeeeeeeeaaaaaasssseeee!"

"Come on, I've sent you like ten messages, reply already!"

"RTJ, why've you stopped talking to me? Is this how you treat your fans? Why the fuck are you doing this, I fucking love everything you write, write back to me you asshole!"

"Fuck you RTJ, I'm going crazy here waiting months for a new chapter it's making me fucking cry, I hate you!"

At that point I was just reading them just for the shits and giggles, hence why I didn't just block them. But then things started to get really weird, really fast. They started making _entire chapters_ based off of Diamond Fists characters and sending them to me. But these weren't cute little "fanfic of a fanfic" kind of chapters. These were gory and pornographic little scenes involving flanderized versions of my characters plus characters from Harry Potter, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Bleach (I hate Bleach now by the way so no brownie points there) thrown in for no reason. Here's a little snippet for you guys:

Pearl: Dawn, have sex with me.

Dawn: No way!

Pearl cuts off Dawn's head and then fucks the hole over and over and over and then he uses her blood as lube when he fucks her in the ass and he cut off her breasts and wore them as anime cat ears. Then Pearl and Diamond went to Hogwarts on Riley's Salamence, which they stole, and Pearl fucked Diamond in the ass all night.

Malfoy: Wow those guys are hot. Can I have sex with you guys?

Diamond: Only if we can have all your money.

Malfoy gives them three sickles.

Pearl: What's this shit motherfucker?

Pearl kills Malfoy with his machete and he and Diamond anal fist him for hours in the Forbidden Forest.

...

...

... Sigh. For some reason, this person actually expected me to dignify this garbage with a response (which I'm doing right now, ironically -.-) and was very angry when I didn't compliment their "work". Like a moron, I still didn't block the inbox messages. I think I wanted to see how far these could go or maybe I let them keep going because of some level of bile fascination I had, I dunno. All summer I just let them slide and ignored them like I had always done. Then, a few days ago on September 1st, I got a message that made me just not take this crap anymore.

A death threat. A _freaking death threat_. They thought that since it's been a full twelve months since I last updated that enough was enough. They thought they should "take matters into their own hands"... They told me in incoherent detail that they found me on facebook (oh yeah, because I _really_ call myself ReturnToJohto on my facebook...), that they got my phone number and address through facebook (like I leave my contact information on the internet for any dumb ass to see...) and that they were going to kill me in my sleep if I didn't update the story.

Now, my very first reaction was "lol gtfo" but the more I thought about it, the angrier I got. You're going to threaten me over the internet over my crappy _fanfiction_? What kind of sense does that make? How _stupid _and _desperate_ can someone be? This has gotten too far out of hand. So here I am now, typing this shit up when I could be ordering more books for college. I'm going to outline for this moron, all the other possible crazies out there, and the normal fans exactly why I will NEVER write for this story again and NOTHING will ever make me do it. Not even death threats.

I'm going to put this to you guys as bluntly as I can. My fanfics are all TERRIBLE. They are NOTHING to obsess over. No matter how much praise you guys give me, no matter how funny you think they are, everything I've written up to this point is just GOD. AWFUL. I'll admit, I had fun writing them at the time because I never really was concerned about the quality of what I wrote, just how many reviews I got. But some time before the Hazard Park arc, I discovered TVtropes and started to re-evaluate everything I had done up until that point. I went back and reread Golden Flames and its "sequel"... I couldn't read them without cringing and crawling in my skin. None of it was funny, none of it was clever, it was just... random stupidity and jokes aimed at the lowest common denominator stringed together over and over again. There was no plot, no character depth, no description, no sense of pacing, nothing redeeming whatsoever. My older fics were to fanfiction as Seltzer and Friedberg movies are to the film industry... AND I FUCKING HATE SELTZER AND FRIEDBERG! I _WAS_ WHAT I _HATE_!

How old is Golden Flames now? Four years old? And how old was I four years ago? Fourteen. And what are fourteen year old boys generally like? Loud, horny, arrogant, obnoxious, little turds, that's what. I just happened to be a loud, horny, arrogant, obnoxious, little turd with a computer and a lot of free time (I still have a lot of free time but that's not the point). Sometimes I just want to go back in time and punch my past self in the throat and stop him from ever typing Golden Flames 1 or 2 up.

And I realize that I'm talking more about Golden Flames than Diamond Fists here. I don't think Diamond Fists is _as_ bad as the others but that's _definitely _not saying much. I think Diamond Fists worked better because a lot more of the jokes were based off of the interactions of the characters, which is good for just about any comedy. But the problem I have with it is that it still had lowest common denominator subject matter, poorly planned out storylines, abysmal pacing (one day within the story _really_ shouldn't take 11 chapters to get through...), and a plot that didn't really make much sense in hindsight.

Believe me, I tried my _best_ to turn Diamond Fists into something great during the past 20 chapters or so, especially with the two "A View of Your Coffin" chapters I did (I like to think of them as the best chapters I've ever done). But somewhere along the way I realized that I was just wasting my time. What was the point of upping the ante if it takes people almost 50 chapters of garbage to reach something that's only _slightly_ worthwhile? I'd like to apologize to everybody who's stuck through with me from beginning to end but please, for the love of God, don't get anymore false hopes about me continuing this. It's just not happening.

I know that you can make argument that this is _fanfiction _after all, no one's really expecting high literature here. Well, you can call me a perfectionist, call me self loathing even, I just don't want to write something that I don't think is excellent from beginning to end. The only reason I even still come to this site is to read "The Sun Soul" by 50caliberchaos, which to me is the absolute BEST pokemon fanfic on this entire site and is a perfect example of what a good story should be. Until I can compete with that story then I might as well quit. Maybe I'll write another story when Black and White come out but I'm not making any promises and, to be honest, I've got more important things to worry about.

So in short: Diamond Fists is never coming back. Leave me alone.


End file.
